Single Parents (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 21 - A Night of Delicate Frenching - full transcript

I hope this is enough socks.

I can't stand the idea of you
at camp without enough socks.

You'll call me if you run out of socks?

Don't worry. I'll be fine.

Second years basically live in
their space suits or jazz shoes.

All right, I know I said
I wouldn't freak out

about you going to
Lance Bass Space Camp this year,

but I did make you this.

It's a slideshow.
I'm making them for everyone.

I have a talent.

So this summer,
it's gonna be slideshows, huh?



What's my secret?

Some say order of photos,
some say it's the music,

but I think it's a marriage
between the two.

Plus, my transitions are fly as hell.

Speaking of transitions,
I'm gonna get more socks.

Wi... Wi... Wi... Wi...

- Will.
- Miggy, what happened?

Did my neighbor's dachshund
frighten you again?

That's an element of it,
but not the whole story.

Poppy just told me Angie might
live with Derek for the summer

and I ran all the way here!

What the hell happened?

I thought you were gonna make a move!

I didn't do it, okay?



I drove over there,

but then she hit me with
the whole Derek thing.

So I drove to the beach,
I talked to a seagull,

and then I got bullied
by a bunch of teens

starting a bonfire.

They were really mean about my beard.

They called me "Father Time."

Oh, that's a good burn, 'cause
it's also about your age.

Anyway, I took the Derek thing as a sign

that it wasn't the right moment
to talk to her.

- You believe in signs?
- Are you kidding?

I'm, like, Mister Signs.

So there's nothing you want to
tell her before she goes?

She's not going!

She has to stay here with Graham.

Poor kid's not going to Space Camp

'cause Angie didn't sign up...
♪ By, by, by March first! ♪

So it's... ♪ Bye, bye, Space Camp ♪

And... ♪ Hello ♪

Summer hanging with Mr....
♪ Coo-oo-oo-oo-per ♪

I'm Mr. Cooper.

That's the final straw.

We have to start a band!

Oh, man, we're going to.

The point is, I'm not worried.

Wi...

Wi... Wi... Wi...

Will!

Angie, did you run here, too?

Yeah, I was behind Miggy.
I saw him and got competitive.

Not competitive enough.
I've been here for an hour.

- You've been here for, like, a minute.
- Uh, great news!

Graham got off the wait list
to space camp!

Now he's gonna be gone the whole summer.

So, uh, does that mean that
I should go live with Derek?

I... It seems like a sign.

Ahh, signs.

I don't really believe in those.

Really? You just told me
you were Mister S...

Shut up.

- Mister Si...
- Shut up.

- Mister...
- Yeah, you don't want it.

- No, he... No, what are you doing?
- No, sorry, she was saying.

That's so weird. You just...

- But you...
- It's all right. Finish.

- You just said you were Mister S...
- Shut up!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Ah, ah, ah! Hold up.

I knock now.

Like some common trick-or-treater?

No, like a woman who's dropping
off her kid for a playdate

at the home of a man
she's no longer dating.

I realize that made it sound
like the playdate's with the man

and not his kids, but you get it.

What I get is that ever since
you and Douglas broke up,

you treat each other like

two co-workers talking in an elevator.

"Nice weekend, Douglas?"

"Oh, yes, thank you. And yours?"

"Yes, lovely.
Sure went by fast, though."

"Don't they always?" "Ha ha ha."

"Ha ha ha." Blechhh, splat, snore!

That was me barfing and then
falling asleep in my own barf.

Because first it's gross,
and then it's boring.

Look, I know it's not the saucy
back and forth

of romance-era Poppy-Douglas

or the crackle of pre-romance,

peak-friendship Poppy-Douglas,

but now with this many feelings
involved, just...

Polite is where you want to be.

Can you at least do a fun knock?

Absolutely not.

Poppy.

Looking well.

As are you.

As are you.

Gas prices are crazy, huh?

Crazy.

Just crazy.

You know,
there's a squirrel in your yard.

Yeah. He's hanging out.

Oh. Squirrels.

Storing up.

Winter.

We have to do something.

My mom and your dad, they've become...

they've become...

Damn it, girls,
they've become un-watchable!

I know!

If I hear either of them say,

"How's business going?" again,

I'll climb in the oven.

There's only one way to get them to act

like their fiery selves again
and get them back together.

Don't say we "Parent Trap" them.

As twins, we have
very complicated feelings

about that film
and the way it portrays us.

And our powers.

"Parent Trap" them?

Who am I, First Thought Johnny
and the Uptown Cornballs? No!

We do something no one
has ever thought of doing

to get an ex fired up.

We get them...

to make each other...

jealous.

Does your dad have an Instagram account?

No, but seriously, though,
we have to make one for him.

Welcome!

Look to the person on your left.

Now look to the person on your right.

Wow, Lance has really
toughened up this year.

At the end of the summer,

all of you will still be here

because your parents paid.

But you will be different.

You will be astronauts
with all-star vibrato.

Now, all together.

♪ Mommy, may I please go to the moon? ♪

♪ Mommy, may I please go to the moon? ♪

That was all wrong, but we'll find it.

- Get on the bus.
- I'm friends with him.

I know, Will.

We all know.

So, where are we on the big Barstow Q?

The Big B. Q? BBQ?

I'm torn still.

I mean, I'm kid-free for the summer,

so that really frees me up,

but there's still
things keeping me here.

I mean, that's true.

What, are you just gonna bail
on your Y membership?

Who's gonna scatter 5-pound
weights across the floor?

Plus, there's my job

where I'm clearly very important.

They won't stop calling me. Ignore.

So, seems like you got it figured out.

No Barstow.

You want to go to a candy store,
get some weird Japanese stuff?

But I was kind of looking forward

to spending the summer with Derek.

I mean, I know it's not how
your typical love story goes...

meet, do it, baby,
nine years of silence,

then move in together.

Yeah, when you put it that way,
it sounds pretty terrible.

So, Japanese candy time?

But then again,
maybe this is the universe

giving us one last chance

to figure out if we can be a family.

Ugh! It's my boss again.

God, you take one six-hour lunch break

and the whole place falls apart!

What?!

Hey, Graham.

Did you just get off the bus
and no one stopped you?

- That worries me.
- I-I forgot to ask.

Would you take care of my mom
this summer?

You know, make sure she eats,
opens her mail,

- doesn't burn down the house again.
- I'm on it, little G.

This is the summer
I throw out that printer.

Oh, actually, I'm glad you're here

because... made you a slideshow.

Yussss!

Please let it be set to Green Day.

Well, let's just say you'll have the...

time of your life.

God, you're good.

D'Amato, on the bus!

I need you seated with the baritones!

- Bye, buddy.
- Bye-bye. Gotta go.

All right, time for the candy store?

I just got fired.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Yeah. Actually, I am.

I mean, I was looking for signs,

and, well, this seems like a big one.

I think...

I'm gonna spend the summer with Derek.

All right, almost done with creating

my Instagram masterpiece,
@TheRealDoctorDouglasFogerty.

Now all we need is some pics of
Douglas living his best life.

Any chance you have any shots
of your dad in a soapy tub?

Get with it.

Dad hasn't had pics taken of him
in a decade.

Okay, guess we'll
just have to build this baby

from the ground up.

Amy, roust him, please.

Dad!

Dad?

Dad!!

What?!

Can you tell me about the time

that you met Don Rickles
at the Pavillions?

What an entertainer.

This is gold. Start snapping.

He insulted my pants,
and I loved him for it.

You know what he said to me?

"Let's put an elevator in your butt

and make you a building."

Huh! Would you look at that.

Douglas is on Instagram.

What? Let me see that.

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Every time I wanted to go dancing,

he was all "My knees hurt."

Well, good for him!

- Our fish is nibbling.
- Hm!

Time to reel her in.

Search for "woman," "stock
photo," "hubba hubba," "rich."

Okay.

Meet Douglas' newest lady friend,

@BethanyGummiBear.

Bad attitude, worse bangs,
but one hell of a good time.

Amy, get ready to caption.

"Celebrating three days
with this dork," period.

"Am I dreaming," question mark.

Smiley face emoji...

devil horns emoji...

salsa dancer...

and post!

Who the hell is Bethany Gummi Bear?!

Mig...

Mi... Mi...

Miggy! Something happened.

I know! Today's the day
we all started running!

Must be that runnin' moon.

Angie has decided to move
to Barstow with Derek.

We have to stop her!

We can't let our friend
make a crazy decision

just because she got fired!

Angie got fired from the law firm?

Was it because she kept taking
naps on the lobby couch?

I told her she was flying
too close to the sun.

She can't go.

I mean, I know she's saying
it's just for the summer,

but what if she never comes back?

You know she has an inertia issue.

She still wears a toe ring that
she got in the eighth grade!

I love your energy, bro.

I do not know what inertia is,
but I'm with you.

- What's the plan?
- We got to get her job back.

I don't know how,
but we'll figure it out

on the way to the office. Let's roll.

Okay. Cool. I'm gonna go put on
my sweats and running sneaks.

Miggy, we're gonna drive.

Thank God. I can't run any more today.

My knees be jello!

Bethany Gummi Bear,
this candy-ass thot...

- Hm.
- She's freaking out.

Do you smell that?

I think she just had a cigarette.

Hey, girls. Can I ask you a question?

Your dad, has he been
spending a lot of time out?

With people?

Bra people?

Oh, yeah. He's living his best life.

Ohh! Good.

You okay, Poppy?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah!

It's working!

Now we move on
to making Douglas jealous.

But how do we get to him?

He barely uses technology.

Just Poppy and I,

we... we used to
spend every day together.

And then she... she wanted a baby,

and I didn't, and now
it's like we're total strangers.

Ah, love is a cruel mistress, huh, Tony?

Well, at least you and I
are solid, right?

Uh... Uh... My show's on.

This is KPJZ,

your favorite spot for undervalued jazz.

You were just listening
to "Tummy Nickels"

by Shippy Boodaz
and the Twinkling Moon Spoons.

Oh, Shippy. The Lord took him too soon.

It's a fast life behind the horn.

Our next song is a request by Vince

going out to a very special

new woman in his life, Poppy Banks.

"Poppy, thank you for a wonderful night

of delicate Frenching.

Here's to enjoying more
sunsets together, sipping wine,

and marching for the rights
of the disadvantaged."

Well, that's beautiful.
Good luck to them both.

And now, dedicated to Poppy,

"Night Petting" by Dimp Hoolihan.

I need some time to sweat by myself.

Give me 10 minutes and come back
with my sad olives.

No, I'll see you on the green, Louis!

How'd it go? Did you talk
to your boss about Angie?

Yeah, I couldn't get her job back.

- What?
- But great news... I got a promotion!

I'm leveling up, my man.

Okay, clearly I'm the one
that has to deal with this.

- Move aside.
- Wait, fine. But if my boss asks,

I got my MBA from Yale.

Wh...

Shut up.

All right, Angie's boss, I'm Will Coo...

Wow. This is not what I was expecting.

Whole lot of men in suits.

Sorry, I see that some of you are women.
Very beautiful women.

No, shouldn't have said that...

that is very disrespectful.

I know what I'm saying,
and I hear how bad it is.

Oh! We doing a slideshow?

Hello.

Douglas.

Night has fallen.

I noticed. It's dark.

I'm here to collect the girls.

I can wait outside if you want.

Oh, no. I mean,
unless you're in a hurry.

- You have big plans?
- No.

No, I just didn't want to get in the way

if you had... company.

Uh-huh.

Who the hell is Bethany Gummi Bear?!

Who's Vince, and why are you
delicately Frenching him?!

Vince?

And now to complete the love triangle.

A delicious complication for
Douglas and Bethany Gummi Bear.

Enter TiffanyYumYum8.

Doesn't Yum Yum step on Gummi Bear?

Amy, you're off the keys.
Emma, Tiffany's talking to me.

Type.

"Douglas," comma.

"When are you coming around
again," question mark.

"My dog Banjo,
he... he really misses you."

Shooting star emoji, firework emoji.

"If you don't respond,
I'll hurt myself." And post!

Will, I'm so glad you're here.

Do you think I'm gonna need
this horse mask in Barstow?

What am I saying?
Of course I'm gonna need it.

What I if want to go
into town unnoticed?

Uhh, looks like you haven't really

- made a dent in your packing.
- It's fine.

Derek isn't coming till 9:00 a.m.,

so time to channel Teen Angie D'Amato,

pull an all-nighter.

Step one... find my bag
with all my bags in it.

Well, it's actually good
you're not packed,

because, uh... you're not going.

I got you your job back.

- You did what?
- Let's just say

I had a little impromptu chat
with the board,

and also I dropped some serious
slideshow knowledge on them,

'cause here's the thing...
the real slideshow happens

- in the moments between the slides.
- Great!

Well, since you know your way
around my office,

now you can go back and get me re-fired.

What? Why?

Because you majorly overstepped, dude.

Getting fired is my business!

It was the one area of my life
you hadn't weighed in on.

Okay, but your life is here,

and that job
is how you pay for this life.

So, I thought you'd be happy.

Oh, I am the opposite of happy!

- Horny?
- No!

You think happy and horny are opposites?

That's so sad!

No, I'm mad!

Angie, I'm just trying
to look out for you, okay?

Oh, I know you are. You always are!

You're constantly telling me
how to live a better life.

"Learn guitar, Angie."

"Don't date the cheating Brit, Angie."

"Tell that woman you backed
into her van, Angie."

- Because it was Poppy!
- You made me this person...

this gross person
who wants more for herself.

You're the one who always said

that I should go for a job that I love.

Well, now I can do that.

I was actually gonna
take some courses in Barstow!

- What courses?
- Shut up!

I made this decision.

I am taking a chance
on me and my happiness,

and now you want me to stop.

I just think you're
making a terrible mistake.

The elder nudity in Barstow

isn't even as bad as they say it is.

It's not that!

Although I'd argue any
elderly nudity is a red flag.

Then what is this about?

Derek? You hate his hot, stupid guts.

- Just admit it!
- Admit it?

I have been very open

about how much I hate
his hot, stupid guts.

- I beat him up for you!
- It was a draw.

- Oh, d... I kicked his ass!
- You know what?

LA costs a billion dollars,

and my super-cool horse mask
is already in this box.

There's nothing keeping me here.

I have no meaningful roots.

No meaningful roots? Really?

What about our group of friends?

What...

What about me?

I'm figuring it out, okay?
This is all confusing.

Derek is confusing.

You're confusing.

I just... I just need
to follow the signs.

You can't leave a decision this big

to some imaginary message from the sky.

The universe would disagree.

Okay, universe. Give us a sign.

Should Angie go to Barstow?

See?

You're not gonna be able to
outsource this one to fate.

You're gonna have to make your
own decision, and you know why?

Because there is no such thing as signs.

Well, that was an
unfortunately timed coincidence.

So, you were trying to
get us back together?

- You were "Parent Trap'ing" us?
- Whoa!

- Poppy!
- Look, I'm on your side, but it's 2020.

You don't say that to twins.

We were trying to make you jealous.

So, yeah, we called
that creepy radio station.

And, yes, we made up Bethany Gummi Bear.

We had a whole arc planned for her.

- She was gonna get her GED.
- We didn't agree on that.

Part of her allure
was that she was uneducated.

Look, you can't manipulate people

and force them to get back together.

Yeah, Poppy's right. This is between us.

And by the way,
I would never date anyone

who didn't have at least
an associate's degree.

But we're a part of this, too.

We've been there every step of the way.

When do we get our say?

You don't, okay? I'm sorry.

Look, I know it doesn't
seem fair, but the truth is

that, uh, Poppy and I are...

just gonna be friends for now.

But it doesn't seem like
you guys are friends.

You only talk about squirrel sightings.

Yeah, and pretty soon,
you guys won't talk at all.

That's a meaningful look!
You two both saw that.

We struck a nerve.
Now we can't get in trouble.

We'll be waiting in the car.

Wait, we're not finished here.

- Look, I...
- Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, so I know that

Tiffany Yum Yum 8 is totally made up,

but you would not believe what
this crazy B's got going on.

What the hell happened?

Did you leave a curling iron on
somewhere or something?

Yes, Will.

I left my curling iron on

and short-circuited the entire house.

No, obviously, I had
the power company stop service

since I'm leaving tomorrow.

I don't want my dumb subletter
mooching off of me.

I just didn't realize
when the power company said

"losing power at 9:00,"
they meant, like, at 9:00.

I think I found a flashlight.

Nope. Just a hidden bottle of wine.

Oh, here we go. No.

Another bottle.

You know, for someone
whose house just burned down,

you are ill-prepared for an emergency.

You can't prepare for an emergency.

Then it's not an emergency.

Ooh! Found my candles.

I love this one...

Evil Gingerbread Surprise.

Oh, my God. That smells terrible.

I get all my candles at the
holiday section at gas stations.

Cheesy Peppermint Mocha,

Turkey Balsam Fir,

or Reindeer Musk?

Hell, I'm in.

I'm sorry.

I should not have tried to
puppet-master your decision.

And if you want to give it
a second chance with Derek,

I support that.

I just want you to be happy.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry that I said
I have no reason to stay here.

You're a really amazing friend.

It's too bad I'm a Barstow bitch now.

You're gonna make
the best Barstow bitch.

Right?

So, it's our last night together.

I guess we'll be
spending it in the dark.

Well, we could make our way
through my living room wine.

We don't have to paw around
looking for a bottle opener

- because twist-offs rule.
- They truly do.

Okay, that one's yours.

To our last night.

To our last night.

And...

my one meaningful root.

Hmm.

- Hey.
- Hey, Douglas.

Um, look, I-I was thinking
about what the kids said,

and I kind of think they have a point.

Yeah, me too.

I mean, I'm still punishing Rory.

Took away his karaoke machine.

If he wants to sing,
it's gotta be a cappella.

Oh, you went easy on him.

I pulled out the big guns.

I'm making them watch "Parent Trap."

Can we turn this crap off?

You'll watch the whole thing!

This is a hate crime!

Look, I... I still
want us to be friends.

And not just fake friends

who only talk about the weather.

Yeah, can we do that?

I don't know. We can try.

What'd we used to do?

Well, I think we just
used to think of stuff

and say it out loud.

How you doing?

Honestly? Lousy.

Oh, thank God. I can't even sleep.

You know I started watching "Frasier"?

Really? You hate that show.

Yeah, but it's starting to grow on me.

Hey, here's a question...

uh, do Niles and Frasier
ever get together?

They're brothers.

Ah. Oh. Okay, well...

Still a pretty good show.

Yeah.

Now your turn.

- Oh, my gaaah!
- What the ass!

This next dedication goes out to Vince

from a new listener, Bethany Gummi Bear.

"Vince, I wouldn't
trade our time together

for anything in the world.

Even that day I found out
our friend had sex

with your secret son.

Anyway, you'll always be in my heart,

and I'll always love you."

Now here's "Frost Smitten"
by the sludge man himself,

Fat Jake Lungtug.

You knew Lungtug.

Before he hammered that hippie to death.

You know, for another time.

Let's just enjoy this.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com