Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 4, Episode 8 - Break a Leg, Darling - full transcript

You're going to make
a superb bodyguard.

Actually, we call it
executive protection.

Call it anything you like.

[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon...

I would kill her
with my bare hands

if I thought I could
get away with it.

My advice to you is
to watch him carefully.

If he does have murder
on his mind, he can fool you.

All we can do is
torture each other.

Why do you keep
coming back together?

They both love to play the game.



Would you put
that silly gun away?

Where did you want it?
The head? The heart?

Anthony, really.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
Did we wake you up?

- [gunshot]
- Aah!

[gunshot]

♪♪ [theme]

[chatter]

A.J., I got two possibles
over here at 2:00.

There's a guy with
a shopping bag

and a lady with
fishnet stockings.

What? What was that?

I said I got two
possibles at your 2:00

There's a guy with
a shopping bag



and a lady with
fishnet stockings.

Rick, I can't hear you.
You're breaking up.

Try it again.

Also, check out
the bellboy... [static]

A.J., did you copy?

I said check out the bellboy
with Troy Donahue hair.

He's clean.

[clears throat]

That is the last time

I ever let you order from
that Hong Kong catalog.

Hmm?

I said that is the last...

I heard you. I heard you.

Any problems?

No, no, no, a pretty
well-behaved group of weirdoes.

You know, the usual...
Autograph hounds, groupies.

Oh, wait a minute.

Check out the guy
in the pale gray suit.

Fits the profile.

Sweaty upper lip,
eyes as thin as dimes.

I know what you mean.

That's Crawford,
the guy that hired us.

All right, that does it.
No more blind dates.

From now on, we
both meet the client.

Hey, this is a prestige gig.

Now, this is going to
open a lot of doors for us.

The limo driver just radioed in.

It'll be about two
minutes down the road.

Thank you.

Everything all right?

Yes, sir. We've
screened the crowd.

We've checked the
roof and the corridor.

We've swept the rooms.

Even got an
elevator standing by.

- Sounds good. You must be A.J.
- Yes, sir.

I'm Stewart Crawford
of the Theater Guild.

Nice to meet you.

You don't need any
help? We'll pay you for it.

No, sir, we've designed a very
complete plan for the Forrests.

In executive protection,
we've found that less is more.

Extra people just
create confusion.

We do have a liaison
with the police department.

Lieutenant Brown's
right over there.

Madam, please, behind the ropes.

Let's be nice
citizens here, please.

Behind the ropes, everyone.

Good because something
else happened this morning.

What? More threatening
phone calls? Mail?

Oh, it's worse than that.

On our way home
from dinner last night,

somebody put a brick
through Carla's windshield.

Was Anthony in the car with her?

Are you kidding?

The fighting Forrests can hardly
stand to be in the same city,

let alone the same car.

Well, here they come.

Ma'am, back it up here, please.

Back here, please.

That's it.

Back it up. Thank you.

Back it up, please.

I'm sorry. Could you all
step back there, please.

Let them through.
Let them through.

Back it up, please. Back it up.

Sir, here we go.

No, we don't.

Uh, why didn't they stop?

I don't know.

Probably neither one
of them wants to be first.

The first one has to
wait for the second.

It's a much weaker entrance.

You'll get used to it.

Hey, wait a minute.

If we're going to
do our jobs properly,

they can't be off
the leash like this.

We have to control
the logistics here.

Well, no problem.

They'll cooperate.

Look, the play's success

depends upon their physical
safety and peace of mind.

Everybody knows that.

You'll get whatever you need.

Then get somebody on
the horn to those drivers

and tell them to get back here.

[chatter]

[babbling]

[Town] Please get back
behind there, please.

Move it over here, please.

Hello, Town.

Finally made it all the way
up to crowd control, huh?

It just so happens that I
volunteered for this assignment.

I've been a fan of
the Forrests' for years.

Get behind the ropes.

Nope.

Look, the LAPD tipped us off.

They've been
receiving death threats.

You want to get
behind the ropes now?

Nope.

Guess who's babysitting.

We might even be able

to arrange a personal
introduction for you.

In exchange for a favor.

What favor?

We want to stay on
this side of the ropes.

Okay.

He's easy.

[chanting] Carla, Anthony.

[cheering and applause]

How do you do? My
son Greg, our director.

You little handsome devil.

And my manager, our
producer Walker Watson.

Glad to be here for the re-opening
performance at the Globe.

Well, thank you.

All right.

Oh, my goodness, thank you.

Um, excuse me, but I have
no intention of standing here

waiting for Mr. Good
Time to show up.

I know. I'll take the
whole crowd with me.

That'll fix him. Come with me.

I'll take the front.
You take the back.

[chatter]

Where's Mr. Forrest?

He had me drop him
off back at the hotel.

Oh, certainly.

Hold that, darling.

Wonderful to find out that
people still care about the theater.

What's going on
here? Where's Forrest?

Yeah, we're working
on it, all right?

We got it.

♪ La da di di ♪

[applause]

How does it feel to be
upstaged in a hotel lobby?

I'll let you know
when it happens.

All right, time's up, fellows.
Let's get them upstairs, hey?

Oh, this is something, isn't it?

Do you want to give
us a hand, Town?

- Excuse me, please.
- Excuse us.

[chatter]

Okay.

Right. Thank you.

Goodbye.

Okay, the flowers didn't
come from a commercial florist.

The flare was the kind

that you could buy
at any hardware store.

Shoes might be interesting.

No, Town showed it
to his mad bombers.

They said it was
nothing special.

I just want to thank
you so very much

for saving that girl's life.

To say nothing of your own.

I can see you're going to
make a superb bodyguard.

Well, actually, we call
it executive protection.

Call it anything you like.

I know what you do, honey.

I'll take this one, please.

Oh, Eric, darling, would
you come with me?

I need a massage.

Let's stop by the theater.

I want to talk to your
box office manager.

Certainly.

You ever get the feeling
you were a side of beef?

So can I fix you a drink?

No, thank you. And actually,

we'd prefer it if you
didn't have one, either.

Oh, I see.

Part of the job.

- Well.
- Sorry.

[clears throat]

They want us to
keep our wits about us.

I guess they'd
like you to, also.

Nothing personal. I mean,
if it were up to us, hell...

No, no, no. I understand.

Could I ask you a question?

Sure, sure.

Do you ever do any of your
own stunts in the movies?

[laughs]

The only stunts I
perform are off camera.

Oh.

Lest you think of
me as cowardly,

some of the stunts that
Carla and I have performed,

no stuntman would attempt.

I thought that was
all just media hype.

Generally, the media
don't give us enough credit.

Carla and I have become virtuosos
at the art of mouth-to-mouth combat.

Well, listen, we're
being paid to do a job,

so we're going to
have the real story.

Oh, sure.

I mean, if this is just PR,
we'll stay out of your way,

but if you enjoy it, I'm afraid
we might have a problem.

Well, it's not really a
question of enjoying it.

It's just that some actors
become immersed in their roles.

You know, somewhere
under those endless facelifts,

there's quite a decent woman.

Mind you, I, long ago,
tired of ever finding her.

But, by and large, I'm prepared
to let bygones be bygones.

Uh... [Woman screams]

Mind you, that's not to say

that I wouldn't kill her
with my bare hands

if I thought I could
get away with it.

Oh, I am going to need certain
information about the production.

Um, for example,
wardrobe changes.

Hello, Earth to Carla.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was
just remembering.

See, this house holds
a lot of applause for me.

I had my first
great success here.

Yeah, I played Corie
in Barefoot in the Park.

Oh, I feel like I'm coming home.

Well, I hope nobody will try and
spoil the homecoming for you.

The only one who could
do that now is Anthony.

What do you mean?

He's suffering from a bout of
"where has my talent gone?"

which is utterly silly. He's
as good as he ever was.

It's just not easy right now

for him to dredge
up a good memory.

The last time he opened here was

in a little dog and pony show
called Four to Make Ready.

Unfortunately, it
closed after the first act.

You'd never know it
if you talked to him.

I mean he seems happy.

Oh, let's not talk about him.

Let's talk about you.

How do you like
guarding my body so far?

Well, as I explained,
my brother and I

are private investigators,
not bodyguards.

How terribly interesting.

Private investigators
guarding bodies.

The terminology is
so, uh, interesting.

Well, everything's secure.

Anybody who comes in
through that bathroom window

is in for a big surprise.

Ready to go?

Where are we going
from here? And when?

They didn't give you a schedule?

Nobody tells me anything.

I'm delivered places
like a package.

Well, there's a party
for the theater patrons

on a yacht in the marina.

- A party?
- Mm-hmm.

- With people?
- Mm-hmm.

You mean I'll have
to get close to them?

Touch them. Shake their hands.

You can do it.

Sure you'll need that?

I'd hate to go out there alone.

[clears throat]

Young man, you have the
sensibilities of a fire hydrant.

A little drink now and
again is not going to kill me.

No, but somebody might.

I just think it's a good idea if
you stayed sober as a judge.

I knew a judge once who
died of cirrhosis of the liver.

My brother and I
have a reputation.

I intend to protect it.

Oh, I see.

Like Cassio, your reputation
means everything to you.

Yeah, just like him.

Then let me give
you a word of advice.

Beware of the argot.

And you dear... Ah,
talking of the devil.

Oh, it appears that your
dressing room is smaller than mine.

[chuckles]

Come, darling.

They broke the mold
before they made Carla.

Oh, A.J., you're so gallant.

You remind me of Louis Newstone,

my co-star on The Long Way Back.

He's dead now.

I'm not quite sure
how I should take that.

Well, they made such a to-do
about Louie and me in the press.

There was nothing to it, really.

The press just loves to
invent rubbish like that.

Oh, look. Yeah.

Yes, isn't she adorable?

Look at the beautiful boat.

[applause]

[chatter]

Well, hello, everyone.
How are you?

Carla. Carla, you
look wonderful, dear.

Thank you, love.

Miss Forrest, may I
present our host, Cyril Blore?

This is Cyril's new boat.

He's going to christen the boat

Grand Illusion after your play.

Well, wouldn't it be much nicer

if you christened her
The Carla Forrest?

[both laugh]

If you do, be sure to break
the bottle across her stern.

Carla doesn't have
much of a bow.

Anthony, dear,
you've gotten so cross

since your charisma bypass.

But, Cyril, darling,

why don't you show
me your beautiful boat

and tell me all about how
you managed to afford it?

[both chuckle]

[Carla] Here we are.

Mind your step.

Of course. Where
is the stateroom?

This way?

Oh, A.J., why
don't you stay here?

I'll be just fine.

Anthony Forrest. You're
very, very attractive.

[chatter]

Hello, Anthony Forrest.
You're very, very lovely.

[clears throat]

Just ignore me. I'm
part of the furniture.

Have a good time.

Rick, would you do me a favor?

Give me a little more
rope, would you?

I promise not to
float back to England.

[chuckles]

Nice party, huh? I
mean everything's cool.

Boy, you guys get all the luck.

Fancy parties, catered
food, and the Forrests.

We've had our share of
rotten stakeouts, Town.

Oh, yeah? Did you
ever spend any time

in a dumpster filled
with pork rib bones

waiting for a drug
deal to go down?

- No.
- Yeah.

It was behind a rib
joint. Not a pretty story,

but one that had to be told.

Howdy.

[chatter]

Would you like to meet him?

Oh, no, don't be silly.

Hi, Deidra.

Having a good time?

Hooray for Hollywood.

You're pretty enough to
get acting jobs in movies.

You do know what I'd have
to do to work in the movies?

Television.

The only reason I'm here is
because our rep company director

insisted that I make
an appearance.

Hmm.

And of course to see you.

Rick?

Rick? I'm sorry to interrupt.

That chap over by the bar

has a revolver
underneath his jacket.

- This one?
- Yes, over there.

Excuse me.

May I drive you home?

These are dynamite-thin
cameras. Picture every second.

I've always wanted to see
one of these. These are great.

Thank you.

How delightful.

Really.

[guests gasp]

A.J.

Excuse me.

Uh, Carla's feeling
quite shaking,

so if you're through with her,

I'm going to take
her back to the hotel.

Line's been cut.

Yes, it certainly has.

Okay, it's been cut.

Oh, well, see, the whole mess
was rigged up to this belay pin here,

and the bolts that belong here

were either cut or just gone
to begin with which was fine.

Everything was okay as long
as the tension was on this line.

Town?

Well, as long as
no one got hurt.

That's the important thing.

Now, where's Anthony?

On foot looking to party.

I know most of the places
he could go around here.

[Man] Carla, he's
perfectly capable of doing it.

Eric, you have no idea
what you're talking about.

[knock on door]

A.J.

A.J., it was an
accident, wasn't it?

Well, it might have
been an accident.

There.

Eric is suggesting
that Anthony...

No, I'm sure Anthony
had nothing to do with it.

Well, does anyone know
where he was when it happened?

We don't know where a lot of
people were when it happened.

I've heard him talk
about killing Carla.

Mr. Speer, I've met a lot of
murder suspects in my time.

Very few of them discuss
their intentions openly.

I've met a lot of
actors, Mr. Simon,

and Anthony Forrest is one of
the best when he wants to be.

My advice to you is
to watch him carefully

because if he does
have murder on his mind,

he can fool you and
me and anyone else.

You know it.

I find it hard to believe

that Anthony would
really want to hurt you.

[sighs]

But you don't know how much
I've hurt him all these years.

Well, yes, but
he's hurt you back.

I mean, there has to
be a limit somewhere.

Is there?

Is there really a limit.

When an audience that's so
delighted with the fighting Forrests

calls for encore after encore...

Sometimes the
curtain comes down,

but they won't let the play end.

Why not just switch
to another play?

I gave away that chance
a long, long time ago.

When we were first married,

all I wanted was a baby

and maybe a
part-time acting career.

And then something
awful happened.

We became successful.

Superstars.

Believe me when I tell you

that fame has a way of distorting
your sense of perspectives.

Somehow I lost sight
of my original dream.

Carla, you had two choices.
Neither one of them was wrong.

You chose to follow
your talent, that's all.

It all began so beautifully,

and now all we can
do is torture each other.

Then why do you keep coming
back together over and over?

Because I still need him.

Almost as much as he needs me.

[laughing]

- That's the winner.
- Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

All right,
Mr. Forrest, let's go.

Rick, I'm afraid
we can't, old fellow.

You see, Dolores
and I started this,

and we want to
see how it produces.

Deidra.

You see, I wanted to
buy Desiree a drink here,

but this fellow in
the Hawaiian shirt

tried to make a pass at her.

Then a very nice
man came up and said,

"Don't make a pass at
Anthony Forrest's woman,"

whereupon the man
with the Hawaiian shirt

hit the very, very nice man
with a piece of furniture.

And then all hell
seemed to break loose.

Whatever happened to trust?

Like glory, it's fleeting.

Sic transit Gloria.

Deidra.

Anyway, I think she'll be all
right after a good night's rest.

Just keep an eye
on the fire escape

when the marimba band
starts in the Conga Room.

I don't think she's going
anywhere tonight, fellow.

She's pretty upset.

Let me guess.

She told you about
the baby she never had.

Huh? Her tortured life.

[chuckles]

She got your defenses down.

She's probably planning
some quiet little tryst

with the sailors at Point Loma.

[sighs]

She thinks Anthony lowered
the boom on her, I suppose.

Speer does.

Speer.

Speer doesn't count.

Anthony would
never really hurt Carla.

That would end the game.

And let me tell you they
both love to play the game.

They live for it.

Nobody would put themselves
through what they go through

if it didn't give them some
real deep-down pleasure.

Why do you put up with it?

Simple. Every dollar
they make, I get 15 cents.

A happy Carla and a
well-behaved Anthony

make a lot of dollars.

[door opens]

My dear Rick,
Deidra is an actress.

Never get involved
with an actress.

You'll spend the rest of your
life explaining her reviews to her.

Ah, still up, I see.

Is the Wicked Witch
of the West sedated?

Rehearsals will start at 9:00
on the dot tomorrow morning.

You guarantee to get them there?

- Good night.
- Good night.

[clears throat]

Well, I guess I'll
get into my jammies.

Then just fade to black.

[Anthony] There's nothing
wrong with your mother

that a good caning wouldn't fix.

If you lay a hand
on my mother, I'll...

Don't you move
down on that line?

No, I don't think so.

Eric, dear, do I move there?

No, you come down on

"When it rains in the
summer, she gets cramps."

That can't be right.

Can we get on with it, Anthony?

I told Watson I
wanted a bigger caliber.

This is a woman's weapon.

I want something that will blow

a bloody great hole
in Carla in that scene.

Please don't be
gruesome, darling.

I'll see what I can do.

Will a .38 caliber be enough
to bolster your manhood?

Quite enough. Thank you.

From where?

I'll pick it up.

I'll never take
another trip to Europe

no matter how much
it costs me not to.

What?

We couldn't hear
the line, Anthony?

You know what the line is.

Yes, but the people
in those seats out there

don't know what the line is.

They've paid good
money to hear it.

When there are
people in the seats,

they will hear it, by God.

Until that moment, I
happen to have a headache.

I'd like to lie down.

Carla, my dear, why don't
you work on your soliloquy?

It is, after all, the only part
of the play you truly enjoy.

Oh, Tony.

Please.

Do you want to work
on the soliloquy?

No.

Would you get me
some coffee, please?

That's all we need.

You know, when the committee
booked the Forrests for this benefit,

two things happened.

First, we sold out
the performance.

Second, our insurance
company cancelled.

What insurance?

Normally, if a show doesn't open

for some unforeseen reason,

the insurance company
pays off the production costs,

but not with the Forrests.

Well, don't worry, Mr. Crawford.
Your play's going to open.

We've got them
behaving themselves

like they were on
a church picnic.

If you'll excuse me, fellows,

I'm going to get
back to the real world.

Which real world is that?

Real estate.

That's pretty real.

At one time, his company was
planning to take over the theater

and turn it into a shopping
center or something.

Then he stands to make more
money if the theater fails, right?

I would think so.

Then why is he working so
hard to make it successful?

- Maybe he's not.
- Maybe he's not.

- [gunshot]
- Aah!

[gunshots]

We'd all feel a lot
more comfortable

if you put that down.

- This?
- That.

What were you doing?

That is not my revolver.

Somebody threw it in
the door, and I picked it up.

Oh, dear.

I shouldn't have
done that, should I?

Tony, maybe we let
ourselves go too far.

Can you honestly believe that I
would do anything to harm you?

What fun would there
be in a life without you?

It has been fun, hasn't it?

Who could be doing this to us?

You know, the
newspapers are going

to have a field day
with this one, my darling.

Carla, I'm scared.

Why, you're shaking.

And you're the one
they're shooting at.

Oh, Tony.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Excuse me, Mr. and Ms. Forrest.

My name is Lieutenant Brown.

I'm with the San Diego
Police Department.

Oh, yes, I've seen you around.

How are you?

Fine.

You know, we've met before.

We have?

Yeah, New York, 1960.

Oh, I was a little shorter then.

Yeah, I took the subway
down from 125th Street

to see you in a play,
The Man for All Seasons.

Oh, I see.

You see, I played Sir Thomas
More in junior high school.

Yeah, I snuck into the
Winter Garden Theater.

I was a long way up,

but your performance reached
up there that night in the back row

and shook my heart and soul.

Afterwards, I waited
at the stage door,

and you signed
my autograph book,

"From one St. Thomas to
another, Anthony Forrest."

That meant a lot
to me, Mr. Forrest.

Marcel. Marcel
Proust Brown, right?

[laughs]

Wow.

How many children
named after Marcel Proust

do you think I meet at
the stage door every year?

No more than two
or three, I guess.

Mr. Forrest... Anthony, please.

First names between
St. Thomases.

Well, Anthony, you
understand I have to do this.

I can't do it anymore.

I want out of this
play, out of this town.

I don't blame you, Carla.
Nothing is worth this.

Well, somebody
thinks it's worth it.

Who else was off stage
when the shooting started?

Speer.

Went off to get Carla
something to drink.

Crawford.

Yeah, but come
on. Let's face it.

Anybody could've come
in the theater at any time.

Yeah, but we can't chase down

the wild geese we
don't know about.

Well, let's chase the
goose we do know about.

I mean, if this
benefit is cancelled,

it's goodbye theater

and hello Crawford Shopping
Mall right here on the spot.

I wonder if Crawford
Realty has any property

I might be interested
in developing.

Where is the take-out window?

Where is the take-out window?

There must... needs
to be a take-out window.

Oh, well, this was a counseling
center for unwed mothers.

They didn't need
a take-out window.

[chuckles]

Very funny. Very funny indeed.

We'll put one in, Menji.

Where?

Well, right there,
say, or there or there.

Hey, it's no problem.
We can put one in.

I do not know. I do not know.

I do not think I like this.

Falafel must have air.
Falafel must breathe.

Menji, falafel
must have location.

Menji must look at alley.

Back alley very
important to Menji.

I look now.

Must have it. Must...
Need to have it.

He's a great cook.

Very temperamental,
but a great profit center.

Well, what can you tell
me about Mr. Crawford?

Before we enter into any
long-term agreement with the firm,

we'd like to know as much as
we can about our associates.

We will, after all,
be living together.

You should pardon
the expression.

Back alley, very bad alley.
Trucks no can come and go.

Oh, but there must be room.

I mean, trucks come
through here all the time.

No, that is very bad alley.

Falafel need truck.

Truck need alley.

Menji need to lie down.

Before talk to the deputy D.A.,

there are a few questions
I need to ask you.

Yes, of course.

Well, how did you like working
with Greta Swanson in Death on Ice?

Dear Greta.

They used to say about her that
she had two exceptional talents.

One of them was skating.

[chuckles]

But what ever happened
to your acting career?

Oh, I'm into street theater now.

And very good
at it, too, I'm sure.

Well, they're still talking

about my gig as a
bag lady last year,

and I've done some
memorable winos in my time.

But I'm afraid my acting career
peaked with A Man for All Seasons.

Mine, too.

Mind you, I've had
some wonderful chances.

Lawrence of Arabia
was a mountain of a part,

but I was afraid to climb it.

So I did what I always
do. I drank the fear away

and drank myself
right off the movie.

Peter O'Toole accepted an
Oscar nomination in my place.

Well, you've had a great career,

and your best work
is still ahead of you.

I hope the deputy D.A.
is as big a fan as you are.

Well, I'm afraid
anytime that little bulldog

can get his name
in the papers...

Uh, is there some place that I
can freshen up before I face him?

[Rick whistles]

What?

Good heavens.

Well, I'm no expert
on real estate,

but those prices
look awfully low.

Well, maybe he
needed cash for them.

At a potential loss?

Wait a minute. I'll have
to get right back to you.

Nixon. Nixon, come with me.

Guns over Munich,
I should've known.

[muffled speech]

Escaped from the German bunker.

Get an APB out on Forrest.

Yes, sir, do you have a
description of the subject?

He looks like Anthony
Forrest for crying out loud.

- All right. All right.
- What's wrong with you, Nixon?

[muffled speech]

Well, I'm no expert at math,

but this guy has got
no money coming in

and it's all going out.

Couldn't afford to develop
the theater properly anyway.

Which means he'd
have no motive to harm

neither the show or the stars.

As a matter of fact, a hit can
only help him in the community.

[phone rings]

No, hey, Rick,
what are you doing?

Nobody calls a real estate
office in the middle of the night.

It might be something.

Yeah?

Yeah, find anything interesting?

Town, what the
hell are you doing?

What do you mean
what am I doing?

We are in the middle
of a black bag job.

People do not get phone calls
in the middle of a black bag job

It just isn't done. How did
you know we were here?

Well, I figured you'd go
after either Speer or Crawford.

Speer is with Carla
in her bedroom.

Even you guys aren't that
weird, so it had to be Crawford.

Besides, I got a guy
watching the building.

[sighs]

Give me that.

Town, listen to me.

We are breaking
and entering here.

Now, what the hell do you want?

Oh, right. Anthony
Forrest got away from me.

Forrest got away.

Why would he do that?

Well, traditionally in
the police business

when a guy jumps
out of the window

in the middle of questioning,

it means he doesn't
want to give any answers.

One more thing.

What?

Get out of there.

You haven't eaten a thing.

I can't.

Uh, it will be a
mess. We'll be ruined,

but it's up to you, Carla.

Ruined is better than dead.
We've decided the show closes.

I can't make that decision
now, not with Anthony in jail.

Oh, Carla, open your
eyes. Anthony is washed up.

Watson is the only
producer in the country

that would give him
a chance like this.

Good God, the
man's a psychopath.

I won't listen to
any more of this.

Now, I'll sleep on it,

and I'll give you my
decision in the morning.

You've got to cancel
the performance, Watson.

That man is dangerous.

[Crawford] For God's
sake, Anthony, don't do this.

Haven't you played
the fool enough times?

I finally figured it out.

Nobody's after Carla.
You are after me.

- What?
- Yes, you.

Well, think about it.

If this benefit is a success,

the Forrests will once
again be in demand.

Now, who amongst us would
most like that not to happen?

That's crazy, Anthony.
What do I have to gain?

What do you have gain?
My wife for instance.

She's not your wife anymore.

Would you put
that silly gun away?

She is still my wife,
you two-bit gigolo.

Now, where do you want
it? The head? The heart?

Or where you've been
trying to get me recently?

She's the only
woman I've ever loved.

Can you understand that?

And the idea of a
miserable worm like you

sullying her
incomparable beauty...

Anthony, really.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
Did we wake you up?

Now, quite frankly,
I'm ashamed of you.

I thought you knew
every bowling alley,

night club, and
topless bar in the city.

I'm ashamed of myself.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm just about to
kill your protégé,

but before I do,

I'd like you to hear his
confession of treachery.

What treachery?

He's the one behind
all the murder attempts?

The attack on the car, the
lowering of the boom, the shooting.

Carla, Carla, I would
never do anything like that.

Anthony, would you cut it out?

Let him have his fun.

Is a flag going to come
popping out of there, Anthony?

I don't think so.
It's a real gun.

There are no
bullets in the cylinder.

Uh, the one you can't see is
the one you have to worry about.

Hammer's cocked.

Mm-hmm.

What about it, Anthony?

Do you have a slug in there?

Oh, I know what you're
thinking to yourself.

Is there a bullet
in there or not?

Well, to be perfectly
honest with you,

in all the excitement,
I forgot myself.

Shall we find out together?

The question you
have to ask yourself is

"Do I feel lucky?"

Well, do you, punk?

I didn't do it, Anthony.
I swear I did not.

It's loaded.

It's loaded, you
lousy son of a... You...

Not funny.

It wasn't meant to be funny.

I had to find out
if he was the one.

I apologize,
darling, I didn't...

Could you... Could you help me?

Would you like some
more water, darling?

No, thank you. I'm fine now.

Okay, Town. Yeah.

Thanks.

Lieutenant Brown met
with the deputy D.A.

and somehow
managed to convince him

that there is not a
solid case against you...

yet.

So there will be no
charges for the present.

Watson, make sure
that the lieutenant

has house seats for the benefit.

Well, Anthony, Carla has
been thinking about postponing.

Don't be ridiculous.
I feel great.

I've got my man back.

I think that's my exit cue.

Yeah, uh, just a
moment, actually.

I think we're going
to need your help.

If we're going to do our job
protecting Anthony and Carla,

we've got to be with
them all the time.

Now, it's one thing when
we're up here in the room

or in the limo or
even backstage,

but when they are
actually on stage...

- A.J.
- Yeah, it'll be all right.

Of course, of course.

There are two non-speaking roles

you cut in rehearsals.
I can put them back in.

Wait a minute. You're
going to put them on stage?

Why not?

Why not?

Why not?

[chatter]

Of course.

I got to carry a
bottle on stage.

What do you think?
I can't carry a bottle?

I can carry a bottle.

A bottle can get awfully
heavy in front of 1,000 people.

Come on. I was in a
play in grammar school.

It was just fine. It
was great. Wonderful.

You were a tree.

[crowd laughs]

You can say what
you like about the man.

He's not here to defend himself.

Then I'll just go and get
him. He's in the potting shed.

You, get out on that stage now.

- Right, right, no problem.
- Hurry up.

No problem. Nothing
to it. Here we go.

[crowd laughs]

Is that your son, Celia?

It looks like him, doesn't it?

I didn't know he was actor.

Neither did I.

Neither does he.

Ah, Phillips.

How good of you
to bring the brandy.

[Man] Action.

What have you
been doing? Aging it?

You may set it
down of the table?

Never mind, I'll do it myself.

You may leave the
room now, Phillips.

Leave.

[Anthony] There
you are, darling.

I thought you'd at least
be gone long enough

for your usual sessions
of slap and tickle.

[Carla] All right,
enough, Benson.

You were better as a tree.

I got to change my costume.

[Anthony] Am I correct in
assuming that you and my wife

have been cavorting in the hot
house like two crazed minks?

[Carla] He's been pruning
the bougainvillea all day.

If you even touch my
mother's bougainvilleas again,

I will fire you.

Keep your mitts off her
mother's bougainvillea.

And for goodness' sake, do
something about those shoes.

[Carla] I don't like the
way you've been acting.

I don't like it at all.

[Anthony] Well, if
you're dissatisfied...

Oh, Simon.

You looked just fine out there.

It's going great. Great.

Thank you.

Keep an eye on Watson.

It's over. It was
just a passing thing.

I promise, never again.

Never again is right.

Please, not in
front of Phillips.

[crowd laughs]

Phillips, you may
leave the room.

Don't shoot that gun.

Phillips, leave the room.

I thought you said
he didn't do windows?

[crowd laughs]

[applause]

Thanks, guys.

"Except for the amateur
theatrics of Phillip, the butler...

"the actor's name was
not available at press time...

"it was a stunning production.

"It is this reviewer's
opinion that the Forrests' star

will soon be shining
brighter than ever."

- Well.
- Hey, bravo.

Oh, they won't be too
cruel to Watson, will they?

A producer who can sell
600% of an uninsured play

can't be all bad.

[laughs]

No wonder he wanted

the show to close
before we opened.

I'm sorry to disappoint
you, but I think we have a hit.

Well, we lost a producer,
but we have our director.

Mm-hmm. Also our best man.

And I never walk
away from a hit.

I'll track a limo.

You're getting married again.

Well, the first time
was merely a rehearsal.

This is the performance.

And we intend to run
for a long, long time.

[Brown] Here, here.

Well, give my
regards to Broadway.

- Thank you.
- You bet we will.

Oh, thank you all.

I'll see you opening night.

Ah, break a leg, darling.

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