Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Dark Side of the Street - full transcript

I'll follow...

No. You stay here. You
can watch the house.

All right. Just be
careful with it, okay?

She just had it painted.

[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon...

Do any of your friends have
a history of practical joking?

Who in their right mind
would think this is funny?

How dare you accuse me
of shoplifting? I'll sue you.

- I know this customer.
- Ow!

Did you know he had three arms?


Anything else
happens, I may be dead.

[all gasping]

♪♪ [theme]

[Man] Hey, you'd better
hurry up and open it, Val.

The wedding's only a week away.

[Woman] Wait. This is
beautiful. I want to read this.

"Wishing you the full enjoyment

"as you share dreams
for your new life together.

Uncle Monty."

Ohhh! [laughing]

I love it. A smoking jacket.

Well, I think every
man should have one.

- I wonder who got mine.
- [laughter]

Thanks, Uncle Monty. I'll
exchange it for the right size.

Let's see. Oh, here's...

Well, another one
addressed to Taylor.


Let's see what this says.

It reads "To Taylor,
from a secret admirer."

[guests] Ohh!

- [rattles, ticking]
- [Woman] Hmm?

- It's ticking.
- [Man] Watch out, Taylor.

- It's a bomb. [laughing]
- [laughter]

It must've been wrapped at our
gift wrapping department at Bartlett's.

[Man] Taylor, why
don't you use your teeth?

Yeah, honey.

You're gonna need a lot
of practice undoing things.

[guests] Ooh!


Ah. There.

Don't say I never
gave you anything.

I hope it's a grandfather clock.


[Woman on P.A. system]
There's number 86,

Golden Boy Rick Simon,
moving into third place,

ready to challenge the leaders.

Hey, Rick Simon, the
new boy on the block,

has himself tied
up in quite a battle

with Morgie Melburn,
who's second now.

[people whooping]

Number 14, Morgie
"The Monkey" Melburn,

is still clinging
to second place.

And 57, the Dark
Knight, Stan Sabatini,

is still out front.

This just in from
our paramedics...

Wally Truman, the brave rider

who was forced to
retire from the race...

[motors drown out PA message]

We're all rooting
for you, Wally.

And check this out. Here comes
that Golden Boy, Rick Simon,

ready to do battle with the
Dark Knight, Stan Sabatini.

They're trading
places back and forth.

[whooping continues]

Rick Simon has
turned to the lead.

Folks, could it be the reign
of the Dark Knight is over?

Sabatini roars back.

He's not letting him in.
He's going after Simon.

[all gasping]

Ah, well, crash
and burn specialist.

That's the highest I've ever
seen anybody take that jump.

Let's give Rick Simon a hand.

- Looks like he needs one.
- [applause]

Here we go. Hold on.



A.J., do we have to go
through this part? Come on.

- [A.J. laughing]
- Can't a man just go away
and die in peace?

Ah, come on. You know
it's the only sane way

- of getting
all this mud off of you.
- Damn it, A.J.

- You're enjoying this too much.
- That has nothing
to do with it.

- Turn around. Turn around. Come on.
- [groaning]

- [phone ringing]
- Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa.

All right. Time-out. Time-out.
Telephone. Time-out. Come on.

Hello? Simon &
Simon Investigations.

Who? Mr. Martin?

Whoa! No! You son
of a... This is business!

I'm serious! This
is business now!

Would you hold on
a moment, please,

while I kill my brother? Rick!

[A.J.] Thank you, Rosie.

Mr. Martin, do any of your friends
have a history of practical joking?

Are you serious?

I mean, who, in their right
mind, would think this is funny?

Well, it depends. Who do you
know who isn't in his right mind?

I have a very small
circle of friends,

but none of them is capable
of doing anything this bizarre.

Ah, bizarre, yes. Dangerous, no.

Look, there are no
blasting caps here.

The nitro's been hollowed out.

There's nothing
here that can blow up.

Does your fiancée
have any old boyfriends

who, uh, might not like the
idea that she chose you?

Not that I know of.

Things are rather
delicate with the family.

See, Valerie's
father is Mike Bartlett

of Bartlett's Department Stores.

Aha. So you're marrying
into the family business.

I am in line for promotion, yes.

But it's not what
you think. I deserve it.

I mean, I've been
working at Bartlett's

ever since I
graduated from college.

It wasn't until a year ago
that Valerie and I fell in love.

Okay. Hey, all I
meant was, you know,

if you can land the boss'
daughter, more power to you.

I didn't land her.
I didn't plan this.

It just, um, happened.

Mr. Martin, I really don't
think you're in any danger here.

I mean, this is just
a practical joke.

It's not very funny,
but that's all it is.

You know how it is. A couple
of people decide to get married,

all their friends and relatives
gotta pull out the joy buzzers.

Uh, read the card.

"Bye-bye, Taylor. You're dead."

That's no joke.

[sighs] Well,

if you feel that way about
it, you better call the cops.

Well, you don't understand.

See, Valerie's father is a
very important man in this town.

He only wants to read about
our wedding in the society pages.

That's how come I came to you.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Before we take
any of your money,

why don't you take this?

Anything else
happens, give us a call.

Anything else
happens, I may be dead.

Think about that.

I think we handled that
pretty well. Don't you?


[keys jingling]

Hit it!

Come in. Close the door.
You said I should call you.

I think this qualifies.

- Did it go off?
- No. Um...

I think the string was too
loose to pull the trigger.

You know, it was just
too loose. Too much...

- Too much slack in it?
- Right.

[rifle clicks]


- Who you calling?
- The police.

It was buckshot. A little less
funny than the fake dynamite.

Do you have to? I mean,
the string was pretty loose.

He's got a point.

I mean, if you're gonna shotgun
someone, you don't leave them a cute note.



Now, we will try to keep the
police out of this as long as possible.

In the meantime, let us concentrate
on finding your secret admirer.

Who's got a key to
this room besides you?

Uh, the janitor,
security, Mike Bartlett.

He has a key to everything.
Um, I don't know who else.

This thing's a piece of cake to get
into if you know what you're doing.

What, through the whole store?

I mean, you have to go past
security, the cameras and everything.

It'd have to be someone who
knew the store awfully well.

Well, who was known. The other day,
you couldn't come up with any enemies.

- What about friends?
- Most of my friends are the
people who work at the store.

- Mmm.
- Okay, well,

who's your best
man, for instance?

Gary Murcotte. He's the
head of the radio and TV.

But he wouldn't
think this was funny.

[intercom buzzes]


Uh, thank you.

Mike Bartlett's coming
in. That's Valerie's father.

I can't let him know that you
two are private investigators.

Okay. Uh, tell me somebody

that you invited to the
wedding who can't make it.

Somebody that your
father-in-law wouldn't know.

Um, Brian Cody, my
old college roommate.

Uh, he couldn't come. He's
supposed to be in Europe.

- I'm Brian Cody.
- Who's he?

New security man.

[door opens]

Taylor, I... Oh.

[chuckles] Sorry. Uh...

I just needed your count for
the caterer, but I can get it later.

Oh, no. Come in, please.
I was just talking with...

Hank Friar. Hi.

Hank here about this... Shotgun.

Somebody left it on the display
case down in sporting goods.

I was just bringing it
to Mr. Martin's attention.

Hank's a new man with, uh...

- Security.
- Security.
- Ah.

So, thank you, Hank.

Uh, just leave the gun
here, and I'll take care of it.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Excuse me.

Oh, and this is Brian
Cody, my college roommate.

He was able to come
after all. Brian, Mike Bartlett.

- Nice to meet you.
- Glad you could make it.

I thought you were in Europe.

[A.J., Taylor chuckling]

This man has a memory
you wouldn't believe.

Well, I'm afraid the
reports of my traveling

have been greatly exaggerated.

I'm not gonna be able to
make it to Europe till next month.

Unfortunate. Uh, bring
your friend around tomorrow.

- We'll play some doubles.
- I'd love to.

Sorry. Tomorrow's
the red tag sale.

Oh, it'll be singles, then.

A couple of good
sets and a drink,

and you can fill me in on
Taylor's checkered past, hmm?

You're on. Don't worry.

I won't tell him about the panty
raid on the Sigma Tau house.

[A.J., Taylor chuckling]

I thought that was a fraternity.

- Uh, no. Not anymore.
- It was a very embarrassing
moment for us, sir.

Well, I'll see you
later, Mr. Cody.

- Uh, Taylor.
- Nice to meet you.

[door closes]

Gotta be careful with him.
He doesn't miss anything.

In that case, I think
you better call Personnel

and have them put
Hank Friar on the payroll.

- You're right.
- [dialing]

And then you'd better fill
me in on what you were...

Excuse me... what we
were like back in college.

[Woman] We're dealing here
with a very sensitive D-O-G.

You understand?

Now watch.

All right, Toodles. Go ahead.

Go on now. Eat. Eat.

[sniffs, whines]

You see? And it
can't be the food.

Toodles loves his
prime sirloin à la can.

So it must be the dish.

- Mr. Friar.
- Ah. Yeah. Hank Friar.

Nick Bates, head of security.

- Nice to meet you.
- Glad to have you with us.

- It's good to be here.
- Come on. I'll show you
the store.

- And you can fill me in
on your background.
- Okay.

[Nick] She's really
something, isn't she?

- [Rick] She?
- The store.

- Ah.
- Bartlett's.

She's one of the finest
retail stores in the world.

Look around you,
Hank. What do you see?

Okay, uh, beds, customers...

First mistake. Clientele.

Clientele. Okay.

Life blood of any store.

And, unfortunately, the
bane of our existence.

Uh, we being the security force.

That's right.

Inside this world of
fantasy and wish fulfillment,

you could hardly believe
we're fighting a war, would you?

- No.
- Yeah, but we are.

Every day, a war is
waged in these aisles.

Every single day.

- Any survivors?
- More than I'd like to admit.

The reason we're fighting
a war, Hank, is that one

out of every ten people who walk
through our doors is a shoplifter.

- One out of every ten.
- [Valerie laughing]

[Nick] It's our job to stop it.

You mean Taylor actually
streaked through the campus?

- I can't believe it.
- It's true.

The campus cops
used to take pictures

of students involved in what they
called counter-curricular activities.

They had his backside up on a
bulletin board for three weeks.

It was never identified.

Well, I knew he had a wild
part. He just never lets it out.

Not me. Uh-uh. That story is just
a figment of Brian's imagination.

Sure it is.

- Well, I want to hear more.
- You will.

See you at lunch, sweetie.

Why don't you join us, Brian?

- All right. Thank you. Yeah.
- Great.

See you then.

Mm-mm. No. Not here.

See what I mean?

I think for my wedding present,

he ought to streak
through the store, don't you?

Good idea.

Look, don't make me
too wild. I'm not like them.

And besides, nobody
will believe you anyway.

It'll blow your cover.

Excuse me. I'm
with store security.

You want to give me
the cassette player

and whatever else you've
got under that coat of yours?

[chuckles] I beg your pardon?

You took a cassette player
from that table over there.

I did what?

You heard me. Would
you open your coat, please?

I will not open my coat.

Who do you think you are anyway?

I'm a valued
customer at this store.

How dare you accuse
me of shoplifting?

I'll sue you. Do you
understand what I'm saying?

- I'll sue you for false arrest!
- What's going on here?

- This will be the last
time I shop here!
- Are you the new man here?

- Yes.
- I hope you know
what you're doing, Friar.

- I know this customer.
- See? Of all the nerve! Ow!

Did you know he had three arms?

No, I didn't.

[clatter, glass shatters]

- [Valerie] And?
- [A.J.] So... Okay. So, anyway,

we almost had these three
breathtakingly beautiful girls

convinced that we were
French tennis players, right?

We were almost
back in their dorm,

and all of a sudden, Taylor
gets a funny look on his face.

And I had a pretty good
idea school was out, right?

He suddenly says,
"Girls, I'm sorry. I lied.

I'm not French, I'm
not a tennis player,

and I don't need
a place to stay."

Then he turns to me and says,

"Au revoir, Claude."

That is a friend.

I'm so glad to finally meet you.

Well, thank you. I'm
glad to meet you, too.

Hey, it's not too late, you know?
You could still change your mind.

We could be in
Acapulco at happy hour.

Your being here is
gonna be so good for him.

He's been under a lot of strain.

Ah, well, getting married will do
that to you. You oughta know that.

- Me?
- Mm-hmm.

What are you talking about?
I've never been married.

Not me.

I beg your pardon.

I'm sorry. I was thinking
of somebody else.

I'm embarrassed.

- Should be.
- I'm also relieved.

- Relieved?
- Mm-hmm.

Why are you relieved?

Well, the person that I
was thinking of... Barbara...

Her former husband...

Well, he's just the sort of
person who might do that.

- You know, that dynamite joke.
- Oh.

Well, no one I know.

No jealous former lovers?

- Uh, no.
- Ah.

Besides that, my last boyfriend
is married and has a family now.

Taylor's been the only
man I've been involved with

for more than a year.

I want to marry him more
than anything else in the world.

And I know that that, uh,
joke has really freaked him out.

If you could just, uh, be with
him and talk to him, maybe...

Well, I know he trusts you.

- How can you be so sure?
- 'Cause I trust you.

[Taylor] Sorry I'm late.

Well, well, well.

I hope you haven't been making
up any more stories about me.

A few.

[tennis ball thudding]

- Ohh!
- Thank God.

Boy, I'll second that motion.

I don't know when I've
had such a workout.

Oh, come on, Brian.

You were just being
easy on an old man.

- You could've taken me anytime.
- Oh. Oh, no way.

Come on. Let's get a
drink up at the house.

Boy, you've got a
beautiful place here.

Large, too. You must've
raised a big family here.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

There's room for one,
but Valerie's all I have.

Oh, I had a son,
but he passed away.

I'm sorry to hear that.

But you're about to add
another son to your family.

To tell you the truth, Brian,

that's one of the reasons I
wanted to talk to you, alone.

I don't think I can ever
feel like Taylor's my son.

- Why?
- I don't know.


I don't like him.

That's gonna be
rough on all of you.

Maybe so.

But a man can't
change his feelings.

Well, I don't think it's
unusual for a father

to resent having his little
girl taken away from him.

No one's taking her away.

I'm not a possessive father.

Just cautious.

Is there any room
there for trust?


Trust from my own instincts.

Sir, [sighs]

I think you're feeling
a little panicky.

I think your instincts are telling
you not to give the bride away.

At any cost.

Ice for your drink?

No, thank you. There's
plenty of ice here.

Then let's quit volleying.

Taylor tells me that you were near
the top of your class in business school.

- That's right. Right behind Taylor.
- Good.

Then you can both appreciate
the proposition I'm going to offer.

If he calls off the wedding,

he can name his price.

And I'm worth a lot of money.

Talk to him. You could be
a real valued friend here.

Save something for
Saturday night, huh?

Boy, I get you away from the office,
and you're a very romantic fella.

- You know that?
- You bring it out in me,
Valerie. You do.

I never thought I
could feel this way.

I never dreamed I could
feel the way I do... right now.



[glass clinking]

Oh, no.

- No.
- [thuds]



[glass clinking]

I don't get it.

Nobody forced the
lock on the door.

Nobody broke in
through the windows.

When could this have happened?

Sometime today. From
the time I left this morning

until after I dropped
Valerie off this afternoon.

It had to be
somebody with a key.

One of your
neighbors have a key?

Okay, uh, old
girlfriend, former owner?

Friend who stayed
with you once, maybe?

Well, damn it, man. It
has to be somebody.

I mean, did you
ever lose the keys?

Uh, leave them somewhere
for a couple of days?

Was the house ever
robbed? Anything?

Looks like something was
written on the mirror in there.

What did it say?

"Catch you next time, Taylor."

Wait. That doesn't
make any sense.

I mean, if he really
wanted to catch you,

he would've waited right
here until you came home.

Or she.

You two are so
lucky. You know that?

- Why?
- You're brothers.

Something happens to one of you,

you've got the
other one to lean on.

Boy, I always wanted a brother.

Or sister, even.

Look, Taylor,

for the time being, just pretend
that we're your brothers, all right?

We want to help you,

but we can't unless
you work with us.

You're the only person
who could possibly know

why someone would be
holding a grudge against you

for any reason,
any reason at all.

I don't know!

Well, maybe Valerie...

No! How can you say that?

She couldn't
possibly be doing this.

Hey, I was gonna say her fath...

I was gonna say her father.

Aw, geez.

Uh, mind if I join
you, Mr. Murcotte?

- Not at all. Make that Gary.
- Ah. Thanks.

I didn't get a chance to thank you
the other day for nailing that shoplifter.

- Aah.
- If you knew how much
my department loses

- in stolen goods every year,
it'd knock your socks off.
- No problem.

I was just happy to do something
right the first day, you know?

Especially after
Mr. Martin got me this job.

- Could I get some coffee,
- I didn't know you knew Taylor.

Oh, sure. We go way back. Just casual
acquaintances, of course, you know?

But when I got
bored with my old job,

I took a chance, gave him a
call, and he sure came through.

- Thank you.
- Nice man, that Taylor.

Yeah. Yeah, he is. I sure hate to
see him so skittish right now, though.

You know, marrying the
boss' daughter and all that.

I guess he figures people
are a little envious of that.

Not me. I'm the best man.

Is that so? Congratulations.

Besides, Taylor's always
been a little skittish.

- What do you mean?
- You know him.

- Paranoid.
- Oh, yeah.

But not serious.
Nothing serious.

Did he tell you about the time

he thought somebody was
getting inside his house?

- No.
- Moving things around.

Not stealing anything,
just moving things around.

[both laughing]

- Crazy, isn't it?
- Yeah.

[laughing continues]




That's not funny.

Anything going on?

He's been home
for about an hour.

Everything's quiet.

Where's your car?

Oh, I brought Liz' car.

I figured if anybody's
been watching Taylor,

they'll have made the Camaro.

- She's driving it.
- Ah.

- [Rick] Taylor?
- I can't tell.

Here. Let me have the
keys to Liz' car. I'll follow.

What are you talking
about? Follow him in this.

No. If he's been in the
house, he's seen the truck.

- Come on. Just let me have the key...
- No. I'll follow him.

No. You stay here. You
can watch the house.


Because I've been here for six hours
and I'm bored and I want to follow him.

Now give me the keys.

All right. Just be
careful with it, okay?

She just had it painted, Rick.

No chasing.

[Man] I love it.

Did Taylor really think he could
hire this bum to track me down?



Now the question is, what
are we gonna do with him?

- Gotcha!
- [yells]

That's not... You're all wet.

- Move over.
- Wait a minute. Why are you all wet?

Because I went in
the water. Move over.

♪♪ [country]

[chuckling] It fits
real good, Morty.

I wish I could've
seen the guy's face.

How did you get to be the
strong one in the family anyhow?

That's a nice hat.

Oh, thanks.

Morty here got it off
some fella it didn't fit.

- [A.J.] Mmm.
- [Woman] It was too big.

Does Morty steal all his
clothes or just the hats?

I would imagine just the hats.

- [machine clanging]
- Do you mean me?

I'll hang onto that. You
get over there. Move!

Now, I don't know you,

but I was determined to
make your acquaintance,

especially after
you knocked me out

and tried to make a
submarine out of my car.

- What happened to the car?
- I told you. I went into the water.

You didn't say you
went in in the car!


[machine clanging]

What happened to Liz' car, Rick?

- A.J., I'm a little busy here.
- [groans]

Now, look, since I don't
think you make it a habit

of trying to kill every
stranger you meet,

I want to know why you
tried to do it with me?

You like your nose job? You
want to try for a little dental work?

Hey, stop it, huh?
Leave him alone.


Well, now that we've
got your attention,

do you know the
guy in this picture?

- No.
- [machine clangs]

- [Morty groans]
- Go for the dental work.

Yes! Yes, I know him.

- All right. What's his name?
- Slack.

- His full name.
- Reynolds.

Slack Reynolds.

Does he come here often?

Off and on.

Well, what do you
know about him?

Not a whole lot.

What does he do for a living?

Where does he live?
What can you tell us?

I can tell you that
he's pretty wild.

I like them pretty wild.

Oh, like the Clydesdale
over here, huh?

- Hey. That's my brother.
- Ah.

Well, I would guess
that your brother

is now facing a charge
of attempted homicide,

unless you care to tell us
what you know about this Slack.

- I don't know anything
about him.
- [Morty groans]

He doesn't let
loose about himself.

He likes to talk, but
not about himself.

- [Morty groans]
- [machine clangs]

I did meet his
mother once. Yeah.

He took me to the nursing
home she's at. It was no big deal.

I think he just wanted
to prove to her that, uh,

he had a girl, of sorts.

[Morty yells]

[A.J. yelling]

- Does he do that a lot?
- [A.J.] Rick, he's...


[A.J. yells]

Oh, absolutely, Liz.
The car was a lifesaver.

- [ship horn blaring, distant]
- Sure.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

Rick's, uh, getting
it washed right now.

Oh, uh, no, darling.

I think, uh, I might
need it tomorrow.

Why don't, uh...

Why don't I just hang
onto it for a couple of days,

and, uh, you drive the Camaro?

That's her.

Thank you.

♪♪ [jazz]

[A.J.] Mrs. Martin?


Well, you don't
have to scare me.

I'm an old woman, you know.

[music off]

Where did you get
that shiner? [laughing]

Somebody hit me.

They did? Did you hit them back?

- Eventually.
- Good for you.

That's the trouble with
most men nowadays.

They don't know
how to use their fists.

Not like in the old days.

Yes. Um, we came to
talk to you about your son.

What's there to talk about?

He's a spineless piece of jelly.

He has been since
the day he was born.


I don't have a son named Slack.

Well, we were told that you did.

We were told that
he comes to visit you.

Brings his girlfriend.

- No.
- No, thank you.

You do have a son, though?


All right. Um, let's
talk about Taylor.

We think he's in trouble,
and he may need your help.

My help? I wonder why.

Taylor's done well for
himself, from what I hear.

Who do you hear it from?

Does Taylor come to visit you?


No, Taylor never
comes to visit me. Never.

Are you proud of him?

I mean, he's done
quite well for himself.

I'm more surprised than proud.

Taylor had a lot to overcome.

His father didn't
like him very much.

He always said
"The wrong one died."

The wrong one?
Taylor had a brother?

Taylor was one of two.
You didn't know that?

Twins. Boys.

One died, and one didn't.

Taylor survived.

The meek one survived.

The one who didn't want to
cause anybody any trouble.

His father couldn't stand him.

Did, um...

Did Mr. Martin beat him?

[Mrs. Martin]
Mr. Martin beat me.

He beat both of us.

I-If, um...

If Taylor had just
stood up to him...

once... just once...

Maybe things
would've been different.

What did Taylor do, run away?

No. No, he never did.

He had an active imagination.

That's what he used to escape.

I used to catch him sometimes

pretending he was somebody else.

It was like he really
was somebody else.

His brother?

Was this after his brother died?

Did his brother have a nickname?

His father gave it to him.

That's who comes
to see me these days.

Not Taylor, Slack.

How'd you know Taylor's
dad used to hit him?

It was just a guess.


Come on, Rick. Talk to me.

You ever remember
Dad spanking you?

Hitting you? I mean,
even if you deserved it?

No. He never laid a hand on me.

No, not you.

He did me.

Especially right
after you came along.

You were probably too
young to remember it.

Then he stopped.

You probably just wore him out.


Yeah, we used to
have some good ones.

I guess he learned. I
was the oldest, the first.

There were times, though,

especially right after Dad
and I would have a fight,

I used to wish I were you...

instead of me.

I didn't know that.

- I'm sorry.
- It wasn't your fault.

I know. I'm just...

I'm sorry.

- Rick?
- What do you got?

"Tried to get a hold of you.

"Listen to the tape on
the answering machine.

I've gone to try
and save Valerie."

[Taylor's voice] I tried
to warn you, Taylor.

I tried to scare you
away from this wedding,

but you're determined to
go through with it, aren't you?

You fool, you see, I
can't let that happen,

'cause eventually
she'd find out about me,

and she'd try to get rid of me.

Even I can't fight the fact
that the two of you are in love.

Your love would
destroy me, Taylor.

Valerie's love would destroy me.

So I guess the only
solution is to get rid of her.

He doesn't say he's gonna
kill her. He just doesn't know it.

Hello, Mr. Bartlett?

Damn it. You better talk to him.

Uh, hi, Mr. Bartlett.
It's Brian Cody.

Yeah. Fine. How are
you? Uh, is Valerie there?

Uh, she's out with Taylor?
Do you know where they went?

Where they're
gonna build a house.

Where is that, exactly?

I see. Okay. No,
there's no problem.

Right. Thank you
very much. Bye-bye.

You're so quiet.

Yeah, I know.

It's not like me.

Oh, I don't know.

You're kind of the quiet type.


Not me, baby.

You must be thinking of Taylor.


Taylor, what's wrong?

I'm not Taylor.

My name is Slack.



You are a damn
good-looking woman.

It's just too bad I can't
let Taylor marry you.

Taylor, what's going on?


There they are.

- Are you all right?
- He's got a knife!

All right. All right. Stay
here. You're all right?


[A.J.] Hold it, Taylor!
Come on! Hold it!

Hold it!

Damn! Valerie, look out!

Go ahead. Shoot.

You'll only be killing
an innocent man.

Taylor is innocent, after all.

- Drop the knife.
- Make me.

It's over, Slack.

We've got you on tape.

They'll do a
voiceprint identification,

and they can prove that you
and Taylor are the same person.

And then what? Doctors, huh?


A cure, maybe?

A cure means bye-bye, Slack.

I'd rather end it
all. Here. Now.

No! Taylor!

Please don't!

No. Taylor.


What am I doing?


[Rick] Come on.
Give us the knife.

It's okay. You can give us the
knife now. We're your friends.

I don't have any friends.

What about Brian?
Brian's your friend.

Brian doesn't exist.
I made him up.

I made up everything.

Well, what about us?

We're your friends.
You didn't make us up.

And Valerie.

You didn't make her
up. She loves you.


Taylor, it's gonna be all right.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA