Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 4, Episode 13 - Yes, Virginia, There Is a Liberace - full transcript

What would you like Santa Claus

to bring you for Christmas?

All I want is my
daddy to come home.

[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon...

I asked Santa to find
you and bring you home.

But Daddy won't be
able to stay home.

We'll find McFarland.

He'll make the
same stupid mistakes

they all do.

He's down a dark alley
against a brick wall.

You stay away
from the wife and kid.

And I'm warning you,

if I run into either
you two clowns

when I catch up with Terry Boy,

six of your best friends will be
carrying you out by the handles.

♪♪ [theme]


Oh, you don't want that one.

That's a snow bike.

Is not. There's no such thing.

Well, maybe you're right,

but I wouldn't ask
Santa for one this year.

I know, Daddy.

Santa can't afford
one this year.

I'm too little anyway.

Oh, no, you're not, honey,

but next year Santa
will be out of debt,

I hope.

Let's go, precious.

- Where are we going?
- Home, sweetheart.

We didn't get Mommy's present.

We can't right now, honey.

Now, this is important.

I want you to do
what I say. All right?

1202 Hillhurst. Is that enough?

- You get change.
- What are we doing?

You're going home, honey,
and I'll be there in a little while.

I promise. Ginny, I promise
I'll be home for Christmas.

[Ginny] Okay.

1202 Hillhurst.

I don't want you
to stop for anybody.

I want you to take
her right up to the door

and leave her with
her mother personally.

- You got it?
- For 30 bucks, I got it.

Okay, sweetheart.

Fred, let him go.

Cops don't like us
bothering the paying public

around this time of year.

We'll find McFarland.

He'll make the same
stupid mistakes they all do.

Here. Take care of
this mess, will you?

Here you go. Season's
Greetings, huh?

Thank you.

Don't you want to go see Santa?

- No!
- Sure you do.


Mom, Merry Christmas.

Oh, thank you, honey.
Merry Christmas to you, too.

Where have you been?

Oh, I had to stop off and
give Mr. Curlman his present.

Service summons. Mrs. Curlman
wants a hundred grand for Christmas.

Oh, that's awful. I'd hoped
they could work it out.

- Yeah.
- What have you got in there?

Aha, have a smell.

I stopped off at Begley's
Bakery on the way home,

talked them out of
50 gingerbread men.

Mm, wonderful. I'll have the
children hang them on the tree.

My club was turned down
by Begley's last week.

Did you pay for these?

That's between me
and the snowman.

Let me up, please.

A.J., bandits, 2:00.

Hey, come on, come on.
Hey, cut it out. Cut it out.

Come on, leave him alone.

- Come on, get out of here.
- Come here.

Hey, hey.

No, no, look. No,
come on, cut it out.

- Wait, hey, hey.
- No, no.

No, no, go humiliate
someone else.

You, help her. Go beat
up someone. Thank you.

- Boy, I'd forgotten
how much fun this is.
- Yeah.

The problem is the new Santa

isn't working the
room fast enough,

and the kids are restless.

Ho, ho, ho, Merry
Chri... [grunts]

Boxer, huh?

Go ahead, take your best shot.

Santa's in training.

That ain't your real stomach.
You got pillow in there.

- I do?
- That's a fake beard, too.

You ain't Santa. You're
nothing but a joke.

- There ain't no Santa.
- Sure there is.

Come here.

He hides underneath your bed
when everybody else is asleep.

Just kidding.

[grunts] Ow.

That's for playing me
for a sucker, you sucker.

Oh, looks like we're getting
down to a little force feeding.

Leave her alone.

Downtown, you're
an officer of the law.

Can't you do
something about this?

Yes, Mrs. Simon.
Arrest those kids.

Oh, let them raise hell.

I mean, they are here
to have a good time,

and that's what
we're doing this for.

Oh, dear.

There's one little moppet
who's not having a good time.

What's the matter, honey? You
always want to go see Santa Claus.

Town, where's the
adult punchbowl?

This way.

Come on.

Honey, the other
kids are doing it.

I think I know the
problem, Mrs. McFarland.

Ginny, when I was
a little girl your age,

Santa Claus scared
the pants off me,

and my mother had
to take me by the hand

and introduce me to him.

Virginia, this is Santa Claus.

Santa Claus, this is
Virginia McFarland.

Ginny, well, that's
my favorite name.

Now, then, Ginny,

what would you like Santa
Claus to bring you for Christmas?

No, wait a minute. Wait
a minute. Let me guess.

My Little Horsie

or a Briar Patch doll, right?

All I want is my
daddy to come home.

Well, now, that might be
a little tricky for old Santa.

Where is your dad?
Is he out of town?

Or maybe he doesn't get along
so great with Mom anymore.

We don't know where
he is. He's just gone away.

Can you find him
for Christmas, Santa?

Santa's going to
give it his best shot.

Probably shouldn't have even
taken her to the party in the first place,

but we'd been planning
it for weeks, so...

All she saw was a big gray car?

That's it.

And who knows if
that means anything.

I mean, she's only 6 years old.

Well, what do you think?

Looks terrific.

Where's Ginny right now?

She's, um, in her room.

She's napping right now,

and I'd really rather
just leave her there

and let her sleep.

Every since Santa...

Every since you told her that you were
going to bring her daddy home by Christmas,

she's been going a
million miles a minute.

I sure hope she isn't
going to be disappointed.

Hey, I'd be worried,
too, you know.

It's okay.

It's not too much.

We look for missing
people all the time,

find most of them.

Of course, we've only
got 36 hours till Christmas.

Look, finding him by
Christmas isn't what's important.

I mean, that's just
Ginny's fantasy.

You know how 6-year-olds are.


I can't pay you for a while.

It's Christmas.

Terry'd been out of
work for six months,

and our bills kind of piled up,

but he's back to work now.

He really has a
really very good job

at Calbina Prefab.

It's really a wonderful job.

Matter of fact,
we're almost even.

In fact, he was just
about to buy us a new car.

I guess it's kind of hard
on a man when you...

You got a number
on this Calbina?

How about a picture
of Terry, you got one?

Oh, yeah.

One other thing.

Is it possible that he
was seeing somebody?


That's exactly the
way the police put it,

except they said unfaithful.

No, Terry's loyal to his family.

He loves us very much.

There's nobody else.

He's missing
because he's in trouble.

Listen, uh,

tell Ginny everything's
under control.

Saint Nick's on the case.

McFarland? Who knows?

Calbina laid off 600
people two months ago.

How many work here now?

About three.

I'm working mornings this month.

My buddy McFarland
was a line foreman.

He started work here about the
same time you say the plant closed.

Yeah, happened to a lot of guys.

Old Man Calbina thought
he could step up production

and stay one step
ahead of foreclosure.


Not such a good idea.


Well, your buddy probably
showed up for work one day

and found this
padlock on the gate.

Merry Christmas.

So you give him a
$10,000 second mortgage

without his wife's
knowing about it?

This is a joint-property state.

You're not supposed to do that.

No, and you say he's missing?


He was unemployed
three months ago.

He had been for some time.

Why give him a loan at all?

His family has banked
with us for five years,

good credit and so on.

Prompt payment on
the original home loan...

uh, until their
trouble, of course.

Then he got behind,
and he brought us this.

Verification of
employment from Calbina,

and you say they're
out of business.


All right, let's figure

he got the 10 grand
three months ago.

He uses that to pay off the
overdue on the original loan,

keep the first and
the second current

and keep his
family in corn flakes.

When does he run out of cash?

- About now.
- About now.

You owe me a buck 50.

He owes me 4 Gs.

- [whistles]
- What made you figure
McFarland came to me?

Because you're the friendly
neighborhood loan shark, Doris.

Was McFarland a
regular customer?

Nope, but I ran a
credit check on him.

He was a player until
six, seven years ago.

Took out a loan now
and then, paid it back.

In my business, that's a good
risk. What's it to you guys?

His family wants to find him

under their Christmas
tree day after tomorrow.

Downtown Brown is out
checking the hospitals,

you know, the usual, but no go.

We're afraid he skipped.

Hey, that's his risk, not mine.

What's the vig?

800 a week.

Preferred prime rate.

Doris, you're
such an old softie.

Did he say why he
needed the money?

He was feeling lucky again,

lucky enough to buy
into Eyeball's game.

Aw, geez.

This is getting worse and worse.

Eyeball Warner runs a
high-stakes poker game,

and this guy's an
unemployed plywood cutter.

He got in. I heard he got in.

Anyway, what's the big worry?

Eyeball runs a clean game,

one of the cleanest in town.

Clean doesn't mean legal.

Or smart.

Did he win or lose? Do you know?

You hardly ever hear.

Eyeball likes his poker private.

Every once in a while
he'll get a welsher,

and, you know...

and then he wants it public.

That's why he only has a
welsher every once in a while.

- Hi.
- Good afternoon.

Hello. Good afternoon.

[Rick] Good afternoon.

We'd like to talk to Mr. Warner.

Not today.

Well, it's about
Terry McFarland.

It can be about anything
you damn well please,

but not today.

Uh, no, you don't understand.

You see, McFarland is missing,

and we have reason to believe
Mr. Warner may know something about it.

Hey, there's a private
party going on here.

No business, no trouble,
and no second chances.

Okay, what if we come
back with the heat?

Sure. The cops like a
good Christmas party, too.

I think there's four or five of
the vice boys here already.

He's going to have to
talk to us sooner or later.

Not today, not tonight,
and not tomorrow,

and if you don't get lost, maybe
he'll never have the pleasure.

You get my drift?

Good afternoon, Your Honor.

- Thank you.
- Mr. Warner was hoping you
could make it, sir.

Thank you.

Good day.

If we could just get in there,
we could make him talk.

At least jingle his bells,
see which way he jumps.

All we got to do is figure a
way to get down his chimney.

[men humming]

♪ We wish you a
Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a
Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a
Merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a Happy New Year ♪

♪ We wish you a
Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a
Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a
Merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a Happy New Year ♪

[to tune of "Frosty The
Snowman"] ♪ Terry McFarland ♪

♪ Was a jolly, happy soul ♪

♪ He was a family
man with a good job ♪

♪ And his life was on a roll ♪

♪ Terry McFarland is
a fairy tale, they say ♪

♪ But we don't
believe he's a fantasy ♪

♪ Mr. Warner,
wouldn't you say? ♪

♪ There must've
been a bit of smarts ♪

♪ In Terry's bones in head ♪

♪ 'Cause rumor has it
when Terry disappeared ♪

♪ Mr. Warner wanted him dead ♪

♪ Oh, Terry McFarland ♪

♪ Was alive as he could be ♪

♪ But we'd like to know ♪

♪ If it's still so ♪

♪ If he's alive
like you and me ♪


[Man] What's going on?

- Thanks, guys.
- Thanks, guys.

[people clamoring]

[Rick] How long do you suppose

we're going to have
to stay like this?

Oh, until everybody leaves

and Eyeball goes to bed.

[Rick] Wonderful.

There you go.

You know we got a formal
complaint on you two.

Eyeball Warner pays
his property taxes.

He expects protection.

I love it.

Man runs the richest
card game in town,

and he calls the cops

as soon as he gets
his feathers ruffled.

Men like that print
their own rulebooks,

and they have friends,

people you wouldn't believe
think nothing of seeing him socially.

We were at the
party. We believe.

Look, guys, we're
on our own time here.

I've got a lot of shopping
due tomorrow, lots of it.

Hey, we promised Mom
we'd help her all day.

It's our party, and so far,
she's done all the work.

How did you talk her into
helping you a second time

after what happened last year?

[Rick] Third time.

All she's got to do
tomorrow is dress the turkey

and get the sleigh
up on the roof.

It's not that heavy.

Uh, what about McFarland?

He's probably skipped town.

Let's face it. He owes everybody
money, especially Warner.

Maybe Eyeball's
already collected.

Maybe worse. Anyway, I doubt
we're going to find out by tomorrow.

- [groans]
- Not if we quit now,
we're not.

May I remind you two?
Santa Claus made a promise.

Yeah, it would have to
be Christmas, wouldn't it?

Yeah, otherwise we could
forget we're Santa's little helpers

and get some sleep.

- Okay, I've got one idea.
- Shoot.

Oh, I'm going to spread
a little Christmas cheer.

[Man] And I raise 50.

Hold it, somebody's coming.

I bet one gumdrop.

[Man #2] I'll see you a gumdrop

and raise you two candy canes.

[Man] Two candy canes ain't
going to bluff me out of this.

Here's your two candy canes

and a licorice stick.

[sighs] Nah. Too sweet for me.

All right, hands on the table!
Come on, get them up there.

I don't think this is what
the judge had in mind

when he sentenced you
guys to community service.

Hey, Lieutenant,

we've been visiting orphans
and old people all day long.

We're just playing with candy.

Santy Claus has to wind
down, too, you know?

Yeah, you guys represent
the true yuletide spirit.

I wonder what they're
serving for Christmas dinner

at the jailhouse this year.

Candy, huh?

Green candy.

All right, okay,

maybe I'll chalk this
one up to the holidays

if you guys fill me in on Eyeball's
run-in on Terry McFarland.

It wasn't a run-in.

Eyeball ran over Terry.

Yeah, we was at the
table, me and Nate...

Just observing, mind you.

Yeah, yeah, right, observing.

Go on.

Well, we all thought Terry
had him with a full house,

but Eyeball, he wouldn't fold.

He kept raisin, and
Terry wouldn't let go.

Finally Eyeball shows
him his hole card,

and he's got the straight flush,

and Terry is down in flames.

How deep did Terry reach
into Eyeball's pockets?

Well, the I.O.U. he give him

had a 4 and 1, 2, 3, 4 zeros.


Yeah, but Eyeball gave
him extra time to pay off,

I mean, this being
Christmas and all.

- How much time?
- 12 hours.


Hi, baby.

Oh, I missed you so much.

I missed you.

I'm glad you're back, Daddy.

- Did Santa bring you?
- Santa?

I asked Santa to find
you and bring you home.

He found you, didn't he?

Yes, sweetheart, he sure did,

But, you know, when
I talked to Santa,

he told me you were
worried about me.

But now you're home, and
everything's going to be okay, right?

Oh, honey,
everything's just fine,

but Daddy won't be
able to stay home.

He's got to leave again,

but just for a
short while, honey.

That mean you won't
be home for Christmas?

Oh, sweetheart.

Oh, I promise,
with all my heart,

I'll try and be back
Christmas morning.

Daddy, don't
leave again, please.

I don't want to,

but Daddy has to go someplace,

some place where I
can get some money

so the three of us can
keep on living here.

You're happy here, aren't you?

How's Mommy?

She's okay. She misses you.

Oh, I miss her, too,
but I don't want Mommy

or anybody else to know
that I was here tonight.



You be good, baby.

You be good.


Well, we searched
bars, poker clubs,

and after-hours
joints till dawn,

and nothing, not a clue.

Well, Eyeball only gave
McFarland 12 hours.

We're looking at the portrait
of a very desperate man.

So he bails out
on the wife and kid,

leaving them broke
and alone at Christmas.

Not a pretty picture.

Here I am, and
there's more in the car.

Look. Isn't it cute?

- Aw.
- And we got
some beautiful bulbs

There are some silver ones
and green, and then I got some...

Oh, no, no... but, Mom...
Mom, these are all...

- New.
- Yeah, the ornaments
should be...

- Old.
- Yeah.

Maybe if we could just
borrow some stuff from ho...

No, no.

No, you're not going to
borrow anything from me.

I'm not going to have
35 years of memories

wind up in the canal.

Oh, Mom, Carlos just slipped.

That's not going
to happen again.

No, she's right. We don't
want to risk losing that stuff.

You still have
that little chipmunk

I made for you
in the first grade?

Of course,

and I have the wooden
snowman you made me.

I've got it all, and
I'm going to keep it all.

You made a wooden snowman?

Oh, it's beautiful.

You should see it.

I was pretty handy
in woodworking shop.

- [mutters]
- All right.

Come one, everyone,
give me a hand.


Poor Ginny.

I know what it's like to spend
Christmas without your dad.

What do you suppose Warner
will do to Terry if he finds him?

Obviously you never heard
how he got his nickname Eyeball.


No, honey. Put that
on the counter there.

- Mom, what are you doing?
- It looks good there.

No, the bulbs
have to go on first.

No, this goes on... No,
we've always it this way.

No, no, no, because, Mom, I've
got to get the ornaments on at the top.

Please, just... I had no idea.

I... he had us all fooled.

He even told me that this
new job was going so well

he thought he was
going to get a promotion.

Didn't you notice what was
happening to your savings account?

Terry's the one who always
handled the accounts and the bills.

I can't even make a
calculator run right.

Are you certain the
gambling only started

after the new job fell through?

He used to gamble... a lot...

but he always told me
that the day he met me

was the luckiest day of his life

and that he was
through with all of that.

Don't you see the
only reason he did this

is so that we'd have food on
the table for Christmas dinner

and some presents
under the tree.

Mrs. McFarland,

that may be how it all started,

but when a man get in
this far over his head...

[Rick] We've seen a lot
of cases like this before,

and generally it'll start out
like a harmless little snowflake,

and before you know it,

you're talking about the
Abominable Snowman.

Uh, I think what
he means is, um...

What do you mean?

Well, just that...

Well, you may
never see him again.

That's not true.

My daddy's coming
back. He said so.

Come here.

Did you talk to your daddy?

Ginny, tell us, honey.

Yes, before he went away.

[children laughing, yelling]

I feel ridiculous, A.J.

[A.J.] Yeah, it's our best shot.

I don't think she was
telling us the truth.

Surveillance on a 6-year-old.

You know, if the teachers or
the neighbors spot us doing this,

we're going to be up
on a morals charge.

Yeah, I know,

but if Terry's made
contact with her before,

he'll do it again,

especially since he
promised he'd be back.

- Oh...
- What?

Well, I just don't like her
going up on a slide like that.

She's going to bend her
wings. Come on, be careful now.

[Rick] What are we going
to do if we do find him, huh?

You going to tell me that?

We just going to take
him home for Christmas

so that Warner
can use his eyeball

for an olive in his martini?

Or are you going to loan
him 40,000 or 50,000 bucks

out of our petty cash?

We'll just have to cross
that bridge when we get...

- Oh.
- What?

[A.J.] Be care... but she
weigh... She's so small.

She's too small to be climbing

up the top of the
jungle gym. She...


Well, they'll be going up to the
pageant in a minute anyway...

You can handle that one, pal.

I draw the line at 6-year-old
Christmas pageants.

I didn't go to yours. I
didn't even go to mine.

I'm not going to sit through
the "12 Days Of Christmas"

for somebody else's kid.

Will you give me a break?

We've done
surveillance in swamps

with insects crawling in
and out of your underwear...

Which is paradise
compared to a 6-year-old choir

singing the "Little
Drummer Boy."

Rick, you are going,
or I will tell Mom

how you stole her
precious wooden snowman

from another kid

on the way home from school.


She's heading off.

Hi, Ginny.

My, don't we look pretty.

We're friends of your daddy's.

We'd like to talk to
you for a minute. Okay?

It's too bad your daddy can't
be here to see your show, huh?

We'd like to talk to your daddy.

Do you know where he
is? Let's take a little walk.

Hi, Ginny?

Hi. Why don't you go get
ready for the pageant, okay?

You cause trouble.

It's a mistake, bad mistake.

Yeah, well, we make
a lot of mistakes,

especially when we see
some slime ball like you

getting close to
a 6-year-old kid.

Sometimes we even
mistakenly hurt people.

The way I look at it, we're
both after the same thing.

Am I right?

The little girl is the
key to Terry Boy.

We both want him.

Admittedly, I have different
plans for him than you do.

Okay, wait, Eyeball, Mr. Warner,

we'll find Terry for you,

and after the holidays
we'll all sit down

and work out some reasonable way

for him to square
things with you, okay?

He's down a dark alley
against a brick wall.

There's no way out.

What you're talking
about here is a miracle.

He has a wife and child.

He owes me money.

My reputation is
on the line here.

If I let Terry Boy off the
hook, it's bad for business.

We'll find him on our own.

Thank anyway.

I'm warning you.

Stay away from the wife and kid.

I'm warning you.

If I run into either
of you two clowns

when I catch up with Terry Boy,

six of your best friends will be
carrying you out by the handles.

Ginny, it is very,
very important

that you tell us anything

that might help
us find your daddy.

You aren't my
daddy's friends, either.

Yes, they are, honey.

Remember, we're Santa's helpers.

You don't look anything
like Santa's helpers.

Ginny, those other
men, the ones at school,

They wanted to keep
Daddy from coming home,

but Rick and A.J...

They're like Han Solo
and Luke Skywalker.

I'm Luke. He's Han.

They... They want
to rescue your daddy

and bring him back home
here where he belongs.

He was here last night.

Mom was asleep.

Good, Ginny, thank you.

Did he say where he was going?

Some place to get some money

so we could live here.

- How long did he stay?
- A few minutes.

He just had to get
something out of there.

What would that be?

My diamond ring?

That's the only thing in
here that's of any value.

Promised I wouldn't tell.

Ginny, you did a good thing,

and when we find your daddy,

he's going to thank you.

It's gone.

How valuable was it?

Um... well, it was worth
$5,000 about seven years ago.

We took some pictures
for the insurance policy.

Wonderful. Give them to me.

He'll probably use
the ring as a stake.

He'll pawn it, and we
can take the pictures

and go around to all
the pawn shops in town.

That's Warner's territory.

He's going to know the
whole pawnshop network.

We've got to come
up with some way

that we don't tip him off.

No. Stop!

Is there a fire?

Yeah, it's in my sax, man.

I thought my smoke
alarm went off.

No, no, no, it's called
"Gravy On My Tie."

Uh, me and Maynard,
we got a gig in ten minutes.

I'm going to need my reed.

You got a ticket?

No, man, I'm sorry.

It's, like, a private
party, you know?

Pawn ticket for your clarinet.

Oh, no, no, no,
but I got the cash.

You remember me.

[Pawnbroker] When
did you bring it in?

Uh, December 7, uh, 1972.

- 1972.
- Yeah.

I don't know how to
break this to you, pal,

but your clarinet ain't here.

No, no, no!

Stop. No! Stop!

No, no, no, stop!


Time out, man.

There's a ring here I just got
to have a closer look at, okay?

- ♪♪
- Which one is it?

Hm, um, it's, like, uh... it's that
one, like, with the rubies and a di...


Oh, wow, man.

Can't sell it to you...
Uh, not yet anyway.

Guy just brought
it in this morning,

but if you come
back in a few days,

I guarantee it's all yours.


After a while in this job

you get to read
people like a book,

and this guy was
down to his last chapter.

He takes the money, and he says
he's heading straight for Vegas.


Man, I can dig that.

That's cool,

but, like, this is
really important to me.

I mean, you're not going to
sell it to anybody or anything...

Oh, you got it.

Well, what am I supposed to
do without my clarinet, man?

It's all right, Clarence.

You can always go back
to your job at the bank.


[phone rings]



Yes, A.J.

Oh, everything's fine.

Pick up some cranberry
sauce on the way home.

When will you be here?

What do you mean,
as soon as you can?

They're going to be
arriving in a few hours.

A.J., you promised
you'd be here.

Where are you?

What did you say?

[A.J.] Las Vegas.

I... I know...

Mom, we will not miss the party.

We will be back tonight.

Or else what?

You wouldn't do that,
Mom, not to your own sons.

You would.


I can't believe I let
you talk me into this.

Haven't even finished
my Christmas shopping.

They've got some nice
bargains at the casino gift shop.

You can get those playing cards

with a picture of Frank
Sinatra on the back

or those little Styrofoam dice

you can hang on
the rear-view mirror.

Good, I know where
to get your present.

[alarm bell ringing,
coins clinking]

[A.J.] Anyway, if
we're not back tonight,

Town here is going
to have to put us both

under police protection.

Maybe we ought to split
up and cover the casinos.

Look, I'll call up a couple
locals down at the station house,

get them to help us out.

They owe me a few
favors around here.

Okay, well, whoever spots him,

call here and leave a
message at the front desk, okay?

[Pawnbroker] I think I know
the man you're looking for.

He pawned this today,

told me he was
heading for Las Vegas.

[Warner chuckles]

Kind of desperate.

I'll bet he was.

Get some of our
people down there on it.

He shouldn't be
too hard to find.

The town's deserted
on Christmas Eve,

and we can be on
a plane in an hour.

Well, you've been a great help.

I won't forget it.

Oh, thanks a lot, Mr. Warner,

and, uh, Merry Christmas.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I've got a customer
interested in the ring,

or are you going to want it?


You say you already had somebody
in here looking at McFarland's ring?

Oh, just a pair
of bop musicians.

One blond and the other with a
mustache and a scar by his left eye?

That's them. You know them?

Yeah. I'm getting
real tired of their tune.

Merry Christmas.

[Sportscaster] And
now, football fans,

as always, an
exciting halftime show

here at the Christmas Bowl,

and even if the Blue Otters
from little Cayuga College

seem outmatched against the
Rebel Rousers of Western Mississippi,

you would certainly
never know it by their band,

so let's listen now

as the Blue Otter Band
salutes the holiday season.

Come on, baby,
the 8. I need the 8.

Just give me the 8
and make it straight

and I can get me back on track.

Come on.

[Dealer] 6. The number is 6.

8 is the point. The point is 8.

Here you go, sir.

Can't let me down
this time, baby.

You've got to come through
for me, Ginny, and my baby.

[Dealer] 7. Out. Line
away. New shooter.

Another drink, sir?

[McFarland sighs]

- What's your name, honey?
- Belinda.

Belinda, I want
you to take these,

and find the longest
long shot in town

and put it all down for me.

- I can't do that.
- No, come on, I mean it.

Somebody's got to have
some luck around here.

- I sure don't.
- Okay.


[Dealer] Dice
belong to you, friend.

[McFarland] Come on, Lady Luck.

Tap my shoulder.
This is for Ginny and Jo.

3. Craps. Out.

Uh, excuse me,

you know where I
could find a phone?

Sure, it's right out there.

Great. Thank you.

[Woman] Welcome to
the Silver Strike Casino.

Come in. Everybody's a
winner here at the Silver Strike.

Win a gorgeous 25-pound
live Christmas turkey

just like this one.

Makes a great pet.

Makes a great meal.

Hi, there, welcome
to Silver Strike Casino.

Merry Christmas. Go right on in.

- Everybody's a winner
at the Silver Strike.
- You got him?

- Inside.
- Good.

All your holiday dreams come
true at the Silver Strike, sir.

I certainly hope so.

17-77, sounds lucky to me.

I certainly hope so.

Merry Christmas.

So a quick touchdown by
Cayuga Blue Otters here at the...

Come on, baby.

[Dealer] 7. Out.

- There you go, boys.
- Thanks.

Terry McFarland?

All right. I'm dead anyway.
Let's get it over with.

So you're ready to die, huh?

Well, what about your
wife and your little girl?

We don't work for Eyeball.

We work for a little girl
who needs her father.

She's better off
without her father.

There isn't a kid in the world
who would agree with you.

What can I do? I
owe my life to Warner.

He's going to find
me sooner or later.

I'd say sooner.

Now, you two have
been warned already.

Terry and I have some
business to transact,

and you're not invited.

Warner, I'm Lieutenant
M.P. Brown of the SDPD.

You're not taking this man
anywhere against his will.

Against his will?

Oh, I wouldn't even
consider it, Lieutenant,

but you see I think Terry's
ready to come with me.

You understand?

Terry's an honest gambler.

Took a chance. He knew
the risks, and he lost.

Now he's mine.

I know it. He knows it.
Don't you, Terry Boy?

Come on, let's go.

No... wait.

He wants to go. What
am I supposed to do?

Okay, okay, uh... look, Eyeball,

you proved your point.

Okay, nobody gets off your hook.

You want to take the
man, nobody can stop you,

nobody except you yourself.

It's Christmas, Eyeball.

The spirit of Christmas
is in all of us, even you.

Now, you think about that.

You think about the smell of
a turkey roasting in the oven

or the lights twinkling
on the Christmas tree,

little children getting up early

so they can come downstairs
and open their presents,

Bing Crosby singing
"White Christmas."

Now, you listen,
Eyeball. You just listen.

Deep inside yourself

you'll hear a little voice,

and that little voice is
the child that's in all of us,

and it's telling you
that it's Christmas.

It's a time for
peace and good will,

a time for love,
for forgiveness...

a time for families
to be together.

Now, do you really
want to take this man?

Or instead will you let him go?

Let him go back home to
his wife and his little girl...

so that they can celebrate
the birth of the baby Jesus.

Nah. I'm going to kill him.

This is not working.

Let's go, candy cane.

All right, now,
wait. Just back off.

[sportscaster chattering]

Hey... Hey, mister...

Hey, mister... mister,
your bet... your bet...


Your long shot bet.

I put the $500 down on
the Blue Otters at halftime.

It's 100-1 odds.

Are you crazy? They were
losing by four touchdowns.

I know, but they're
coming back right mow.

And they've got a chance.

You could win $50,000.

and 21, 14 seconds left...

Oh, this is so exciting.

Hold it.

[men continue grunting]

The quarterback fades
back, looks for the long one.

The secondary has
his receivers covered.

He throws over the
line of scrimmage

to the halfback McCauley.

McCauley down to the 40.

The Otters! I got the Otters!

[everyone cheering]

Let's go! Come on!

Come on! Yeah! All right!

I won! Oh, yes, I won!

Yeah! Come on!

I won! Yeah!

- And 500 on the Otters, huh?
- Yes!

- Good bet. I can win a dime on football.
- [Man on P.A.] 17-77

- I won.
- Me, too.

Turkey! [whistles]

- Oh, no.
- Turkey.


Yeah, way to go, Rick.

[Woman on airport P.A.]
PSI flight 67 for San Diego.

Okay, honey, you can
stay up till I get there,

but then you have to go to
sleep so Santa can come.

You promise you're coming home?

I promise, sweetheart.

Now, let me talk to Mommy.

Hi, honey.

- How long's your flight?
- About an hour.

I've got to go,
sweetheart. Love you.

I love you, Terry.

Have a safe trip.

- A.J.?
- Oh. Thanks.

- Mrs. Simon?
- Yes.

Oh, thank you.

A.J., you're the ref.
Merry Christmas.

- Hi, Mom.
- Can't you get home
tonight somehow?

It's a lovely party.

You never told me

Carlos knew so much
about ornamental gardening.

Uh... oh, no. No,
thank you, Carlos.

Not right now.

He's even wearing a shirt.

Oh, it's a shame you have
to miss your own party.

I know, Mom. I know.

I just... There weren't any
other seats on the plane.

No, Mom, that's the last
plane out of Vegas tonight.

Oh, Mom, please don't cry.
I hate it when you do that.

I feel bad enough already.

Well, I know you
couldn't help it.

I'm... I'm crying for them.

They're so happy, and so am I.

See you in the morning,
and Merry Christmas.

Tell Rick for me, the merriest.

Merry Christmas to you, Mom.


♪♪ [lounge]

[Man] Well, at least we can
all be grateful that tonight,

here in the airport lounge,
we have each other.

You know, some
people aren't so lucky.

Some people are
dying in hospitals,

locked up in death row,

working in Iraq in
some oil field, but not us.

No, sir.

We've got each other

and a whole lot of
Christmas in our hearts.

- [turkey whimpers]
- Go ahead, toss it off.

It'll put you in the mood.

What is that?

Eggnog and tequila.

- [turkey whimpers] - Go
ahead. I've already had two.

Newton here even
gobbled up a little bit.

Here you go, Newton.
You ready for some more?

- [Newton whimpers]
- No, huh?


Newton, huh?

Why not?

Merry Christmas, everybody.

[Piano Player] ♪
Silent night... ♪

[Man] Merry Christmas.

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ We're talking bright ♪

♪ Round yon Virgin mother ♪

♪ And child ♪

♪ Holy infant ♪

♪ So tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep ♪

♪ In heavenly peace ♪

Merry Christmas, A.J.


[Piano Player] ♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

Closed-Captioned By J. R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA