Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 4, Episode 12 - Revolution #9-1/2 - full transcript
What brings you
into town, Uncle Ray?
Well, you know how
I always used to say
that my ship was going
to come in someday?
By God, she's finally docked.
[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon...
[Ray] Welcome to paradise!
Ray, you told us this
was a democracy.
No, the last time I was here,
the Social Continental
Monarchists were in charge.
Roa Kea is on the
brink of a revolution.
These coups nearly always
turn out to be bloodless.
Get me out of here!
♪♪ [theme]
[gunfire on TV]
[bell rings]
[rings]
Stay. Stay.
I've got a package
for you, Mr. Simon.
There's no return address,
uh, plain brown wrapping,
doesn't seem to be ticking,
but you never can tell.
Uh, really, Sam, we're sorry
about the one that
blew up in your truck.
Oh, hey, no problem. A little
tear gas never killed anyone.
There you go.
Some guys have got
dogs on their routes.
Me, I've got private detectives.
Yeah.
You know, that stuff really stays
in your upholstery a long time.
Yeah.
[clears throat]
Thanks. Have a nice day.
Mm-hm.
[footsteps running away]
Uh, you want
me to fill the bath?
- No, it's...
- [car screeching away]
Feels benign.
Ah.
"Picked her up
in Port-au-Prince.
"Sorry I couldn't get the...
A model with the FM radio."
[Rick] Oh, look at
this. It's in digital.
I didn't know these
things came in digital.
Look at that, right in
her little belly button.
Why does he always send you
one of these nauseating things
before he breezes into town?
It's like a voodoo doll.
Uncle Ray has been
sending me these
since I was 8 years
old. This is a tradition.
Thanksgiving is a
tradition. This is a fetish.
Why are you and Mom
so hard on Uncle Ray?
I'm not hard on Uncle Ray.
I'm just telling the
truth. That's all.
- The man is a flake.
- Yeah?
The man is a fortune-hunter.
- The man is a drifter.
- [car horn imitates
bugle call]
The man's here. Yo! Uncle Ray!
Uncle Ray?
[whistling softly]
[Rick] Could've
sworn that was him.
[A.J.] We got lucky.
Hey! Uncle Ray.
I should've known you wouldn't
have been far behind the delivery boy.
You know how I like
to make a big entrance.
- Ray.
- Great to see you.
- Put her there.
- [yells]
[groaning]
[Ray chuckles]
22 years, Rick,
you're still a sucker
for that one, aren't you?
[laughs]
Uh, no, thanks. I'd rather not.
You were always brighter
than your brother, Andy,
not nearly as
good-looking, though.
I can live with that.
- Uh...
- No tricks, on the square.
- [groaning]
- You all right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
So what brings you
into town, Uncle Ray?
Well, you know how
I always used to say
that my ship was going
to come in someday?
Well, boys, it's
been a long voyage.
We almost sunk in the
harbor more than once,
but, by God, she's
finally docked.
All right. Hey.
What was it, that
Brazilian rubber plantation?
No, unloaded that years ago.
Got back nearly 12
cents on every dollar
of my original investment, too.
Great.
Was it the 10,000 Bibles
that you had translated
into Esperanto?
You know, we still move a
couple of those every month.
Oh. Good.
Soybean futures.
Play my cards right, I
can retire in a few years.
You see, I had 40 acres on
this little island called Roa Kea,
a few hundred
miles east of Tahiti.
[Rick] Ah.
But the Marxists moved in,
and I was lucky to
get out with my skin.
Uh, I thought you said
your ship had come in.
Well, I had forgotten
about Roa Kea for years,
and then, six months ago,
I get my first
check... 15,000...
and more to come.
And the first thing you did
was go out and buy a new car.
No. That was the second.
No, the first thing I did
was to have this cashier's
check made out in your name.
$5,500?
5,000 that you lent
me eight years ago
and 500 as interest.
It's the least I could
do after your kindness.
[whispering] I'd
say that's, uh...
I figure that's
a little bit less
than 1% interest.
[whispering] It's the
thought that counts, A.J.
[A.J.] Hm.
So what are your plans
now, condo on the beach?
Well, I'm not exactly
home free yet.
See, those other checks
that I was supposed to get?
- Mm-hm.
- I didn't get.
I phone, I cabled, zip.
Even went to see the company's
American broker up in L.A... nothing.
They claim they can't
reach Yoshiro, either.
That's my partner in
Roa Kea... Daniel Yoshiro,
but those brokers
are stonewalling me.
They're not giving
me any information.
I threatened them. I even
tried to bribe them. Nothing.
Something funny going on there.
- Hey, I know what.
- Rick.
[groans]
A.J. and I can take care
of this for you, no problem.
Mr. Louis Woolner, Frank Bacon.
- Chris Marlow.
- FTT.
We understand that
you're the American broker
for an agricultural concern
- called Third World
Soy Products, Inc.
- FTT... what's...
Roa Kea.
Yes, yes. Could I
see those I.D.s...
Are you aware of the penalties of
importing a controlled substance
into the United
States, Mr. Woolner?
Soybeans?
Soybeans are fine.
Personally I like soybeans. I
sprinkle them on ice cream.
It's what's mixed in
with the soybeans.
Nothing is mixed in.
Then why are there two
laboratory rats in D.C.
with furry little
smiles on their faces?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
how should I know that?
If, uh... If somebody is lacing
the soybeans in Roa Kea,
I don't know who they are.
You don't know a man
named Daniel Yoshiro,
who runs Third
World Soy Products?
Yes. I met him once, but I
haven't spoken to him in months.
Their shipments
have stopped, too.
Just... stopped.
No explanation.
[chuckles]
I can see you don't
know Roa Kea.
There have been a
half a dozen coups
in as many years down there.
It's a wonder anything lasts.
Would you care to tell us
anything about Daniel Yoshiro?
I'll give you his
address in Roa Kea.
I'm no smuggler, believe me.
We're trying, Woolner.
We're... trying.
We already have that.
Thought you were going
to be a bit more cooperative.
If you are refusing to
cooperate, Mr. Woolner,
we have other legal recourses,
many of them damn nasty.
Bring in the files of Third
World Soy Products right away.
I guess the FTT knows
how to keep a secret.
I bet you think you're clever
getting my sons to help you
in another one of your
cracked-brain schemes.
You're always accusing me
of showing up only
when I need something.
Well, it just so happens
that Andy and Rick love
helping their uncle Ray.
Where were you when
we needed your help?
When Jack died, you
could've been a father to them.
Would it have killed
you to stay in one place,
take them to a few ball games,
commit to something
for once in your life?
Cecilia, I wish I knew
because, God willing, some day
I'll see Jack again,
and if he asks me
the same question,
I'm scared to death
- I won't be able
to answer him either.
- [door closes]
Hi. Sorry we're late.
Traffic on the 405...
Anything wrong?
You tell me.
Okay.
Uh, Ray...
Yoshiro has definitely stopped
shipping soybeans altogether.
He has dipped into the till
to the tune of 70,000.
I'm sorry.
It looks like this is
take-the-money-and-run time.
No, not Danny. He's a
dreamer, not a con man.
He just wants to
help the people.
Besides, he's my friend.
Uh... is that like your friend
who hooked you into
the Iranian franchise
for U.S. commemorative
gold coins?
That wasn't a total
bust. I sold 53 of them,
one to every hostage.
Damn it, this is different.
Andy, Rick, I'm 52 years old.
I'm too old to hustle.
There may not be that
many more chances.
Well, there's
one thing for sure.
We're never going to find
anything sitting here in San Diego.
Figured you were
going to say that.
You are going to love Roa Kea.
It's a virtual
paradise down there...
Golden sunsets,
water blue as sapphire.
That sounds wonderful.
[Rick, A.J.] No.
What do you mean?
Mom, this is a case.
It could turn out
to be a tricky case.
We do not take
parents on tricky cases.
That is a company policy.
That's not fair. You
never let me have any fun.
[Rick, A.J.] No.
You come with me, C. My guest.
Oh, Ray...
[A.J.] Actually, this
pâté is surprisingly good.
[Ray] Well, they don't spare any
expense on these big Pacific routes.
[sighs] Just like the
days of the China clipper.
[A.J. groaning]
You think we could get
a little water back here?
[Man] No problem.
Hey, buddy! Wanna pass
that canteen back here?
[Ray] Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Rick, A.J., Cecilia,
welcome to paradise.
[laughs] Welcome to Roa Kea.
[Rick] Uncle Ray, you want to just
cut the welcoming committee speech,
and we'll get straight to
the coconuts filled with rum?
- [A.J.] Uh, guys?
- [Ray] Yeah.
I've got a voucher
here for a limo
to take us from the
airport to the hotel.
There she is.
- [Rick laughs] It's a classic.
- [A.J.] It's a wreck.
- Nah, it's a classic.
- [Ray] Little bit of both.
"Welcome Simmons family."
That's us. How do you do?
[Ray] Put the luggage in
that trunk, I guess, huh?
[A.J.] Here's your voucher.
26 hours and seven
airplanes for this?
[Uncle Roy] Try to get to
Tierra del Fuego sometime.
Boy, interesting architecture.
[A.J.] Breath-taker.
- All right there?
- Yeah.
Goat could use
milking over here, Ray.
Who do you talk to about that?
Some of the local people,
I'm sure they have their
customs in that respect.
This one's eating a basket, Ray.
What do they do to
your luggage, Ray?
- [Ray] Look at the trees.
- What goes on with that?
[Ray] How far are
we from the hotel?
[Rick] Not far, Ray.
This was certainly
worth a drive.
You're joking.
Looks like something out
of a Joseph Conrad novel.
Welcome to the Heart
of Darkness Motor Lodge.
Let's see what she's
like inside, huh?
Yeah.
Welcome to paradise, right?
Be my guest.
[bird squawks]
[Male Waiter] The hotel
special is Roa Kea punch...
Mangos, papayas, guava juices,
a twist of lemon, slice of
lime, cherries, coconuts...
Never mind the mangos.
What do you have with rum in it?
Hm, Mai Tai, uh, Blue Pacifics.
How about a
Chi-Chi for the lady?
Let me rephrase that.
Would you please bring me
the strongest drink you have?
- Mm-hm.
- Make it two.
- Two.
- [Rick] Make it four.
Four.
Well, look at it this way.
Anybody can go to Club Med.
Yeah. Oh, Ray's
seeing to the rooms.
There's a little mix-up.
They lost our reservation.
- Wonderful.
- [men shouting]
[A.J.] What's going
on back there?
That's a little sporting
event for animals.
Cock fight?
No. Iguana races.
That's disgusting.
You ought to see them run.
Iguana races?
Hey, brother, you
won again, 50 papulas.
All right. Thank you, my man.
Turns out I'm a keen
judge of lizard flesh.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Ah...
[sighs]
Mm, that's nice.
Whoa.
Well, while you've been
raking in the... papulas,
I've been working.
Don't look now, but
we picked up a shadow.
- Tell me.
- Shadow?
- [A.J.] Mm-hm.
- Which one?
[Rick] Oh, the guy in
the red hat over there,
one in the blue shoes behind us,
one over here in the formerly
white suit, reading a book.
All of them watching us?
And more besides, too.
Look, we told you
to stay home, Mom.
Well, why are they watching us?
Well, at least one of them
is probably working
for this Yoshiro clown.
Ray's pretty sure that his
wife knows all about this,
so our first stop's going
to be over at his place.
Yeah, after we get Mom
tucked away safely in her room.
Don't worry about me.
One or two more
of these beauties,
and I'll be happy
just about anywhere.
Hey, brother, four more?
[A.J.] Hi, Mrs. Yoshiro.
How do you do?
I'm A.J. Simon.
I'm a private investigator
from California.
This is my brother Rick Simon.
This is our uncle Ray.
Danny wrote me all about you.
Said you were beautiful, but,
uh, that's an understatement.
- Perhaps he told you about me.
- No.
What do you want?
Mrs. Yoshiro, this
is a little delicate.
We need to talk to your husband
about some past-due payments,
payments that are
due our uncle here.
- Soybean payments?
- I can't help you.
- May I help you with that?
- No.
Could we talk to
Mr. Yoshiro, please?
[Rick] Do you know where he is?
No. I have no idea.
[A.J.] So are you telling us
that you don't know
where Mr. Yoshiro is?
And exactly why do you wish
to see this report, Mr. Simon?
As we've said,
our uncle here is owed
money by Mr. Yoshiro.
We simply want to know
whether he is really missing
or whether he's just
laying low somewhere.
You wish to know,
perhaps, if he is still alive
or if he is not, who
his assailants might be.
Uh, we hadn't
considered that possibility.
Please, couldn't we
drop this pretense?
We know who you are, and
we know why you are here.
Is that why you've had
us tailed since we arrived?
- [Man] No.
- No.
That was not necessary,
no more necessary
than your visit.
Gentlemen,
I assure you there is
nothing here of any interest
to the CIA.
CIA?
- CIA?
- CI...
The death squads,
they're a thing of the past.
Tell your president
that here on Roa
Kea we have no...
Uh, how do you say it,
uh, human-rights volitions?
- Violations.
- Don't help, Ray.
Just don't help.
We are just simple
private investigators.
That's all.
As you wish, but
may I remind you
that espionage is still
a crime on Roa Kea,
punishable by death.
Well, you've got to
admit this is a first for us.
We've never been pawns in a
geopolitical power struggle before.
Oh, that's great, Rick.
We can tell our grandchildren
all about it if we live to have them.
Outside.
I hear you're looking
for Daniel Yoshiro.
Oh, yeah? Exactly
where did you hear that?
I was born on Roa Kea.
I can read the signs in
the shape of the waves,
the call of the seabirds,
the bloom of the orchids.
Also, Roa Kea's slightly
larger than a phone booth.
Leah Lelana, Avocat.
You're a lawyer?
UCLA class of '83.
The government
sent me to school,
but President Tibaron
didn't like the way I
kept reminding him
of our Bill of Rights,
so he threw it out.
Now I'm in private practice.
Pretty discouraging.
Ray, you told us this
was a democracy.
If we'd known it
was a dictatorship,
we would have never
brought Mom here.
I didn't know, Andy.
The last time I was here,
the Social Continental
Monarchists were in charge.
That was four
administrations ago.
[automatic weapons firing]
[Man] Out of the jeep. Out! Out!
You are trespassing
on the people's land.
Guys ever hear of
"Keep Out" signs?
This is Colonel Debarri
of the People's Resistance.
Uh, Colonel...
there's been a little
misunderstanding.
This land, this
whole soy plantation
belongs to...
Yoshiro... belongs to a
gentleman named Yoshiro.
- Isn't that right?
- Yoshiro.
Yoshiro... [spits]
Capitalist swine.
Why is it his, because
he has a piece of paper?
Everything belongs to everyone
if they are willing
to fight for it.
You know where Yoshiro is?
No. No, absolutely not.
As a matter of fact, we're
looking for him ourselves.
Listen, tell you what.
Why don't you at
least let the lady leave?
[clears throat]
That's a nice
weapon you got there.
That's the L1A1,
British make, right?
You guys take real
good care of them, too.
Do not attempt to return here.
Move out!
You heard the man.
- [Cecilia] Oh, thank you.
- [Man] You're welcome.
Hi, Mom? Hi.
Oh, A.J., I'd like you
to meet Rupert Ginnias.
Rupert is a retired
schoolteacher,
and he lives on the
island of Roa Kea.
This is my son A.J.
- Hi, how do you do?
- And my brother-in-law
Ray Simon.
How do you do? Oh, I'm sorry...
Nice to meet you. Yeah,
Mom, drink up, please.
Oh, Cecilia tells me
you're a private investigator.
Would you by any chance
know Michael Beecham?
He's the house detective
of Harrods. Lovely chap.
He rabbits on a bit,
but actually he's...
No, I haven't had
the pleasure yet.
Mom, I'm afraid we're going to
have to cut your vacation short.
What are you talking about?
Well, in addition
to its other charms,
Roa Kea's on the
brink of a revolution.
Don't let the
guerrillas worry you.
These coups nearly always
turn out to be bloodless.
Mom, look, here's your ticket.
Plane pour papier, touches
down in half an hour.
- I haven't finished my drink.
- Mom, hang onto that.
That's okay. We'll get you
another one on the airplane, Mom.
[Rick] All these people
can't be waiting for the plane.
It's only got six seats.
Yes, they do tend
to overbook a trifle.
A trifle?
- [sighs]
- Okay, Rick.
Give me your money. I'll start
looking for someone to bribe.
You mean you
haven't bribed already?
Well, it's a little late
for that sort of thing,
but I'll see what I can do.
I don't see why I have to go.
I'm just beginning to unwind.
It's for the best, see?
I was wrong to have you
out here in the first place,
and if anything happened to you,
I don't think I could
forgive myself.
Thank you very much.
Had a spot of luck.
The copilot's in jail,
and the pilot owes me a favor,
so you're sitting in
the seat on his right.
[Cecilia] Rupert, thank you.
[A.J.] Can't we go?
[Rick] Not yet. We've
got to convince the cops
we're being
well-behaved tourists.
How much longer?
[A.J.] Give it another hour.
[motor revving]
[fires again]
Let me out of here!
[explosion]
[engine stuttering]
Hey, I'm sorry.
I'm sure glad Leah was handy.
Guy's giving Ray
the third degree.
[A.J.] I think it's
safe to assume
that this has to do with
more than just soybeans.
Yeah, somebody wants us
to stop looking for Yoshiro
in a bad way.
If he can still be found.
What do you mean,
maybe he's dead?
Yeah.
I don't think so.
On this island,
you kill somebody,
you stuff them down a
volcano and that's about it.
Yoshiro's a little bit too
active behind the scenes.
You may be right.
God knows his wife is scared.
Police are worried
about the CIA.
We've got guerrillas
bombing the beach.
I don't think it
was the guerrillas.
Something interesting
has turned up.
As your attorney, I have a
feeling you might not like it.
It's a dud. We
found it on the beach.
M79 medium.
Yes. I thought
you'd recognize it.
- CIA.
- No, U.S. Marine Corps.
This is Vietnam ordinance.
It's not even made anymore.
Yes, but it's American.
Colonel Debarri uses Soviet,
some European weapons,
not yours.
Consider yourselves
confined to this island
until I say otherwise.
Look, boys, I...
I feel just terrible that
I got you into all this.
- My own family.
- Nah, it's not your fault,
Ray.
- Thank you.
- What am I talking about?
- Of course it's your fault.
- You're right.
We've got this situation. We're
just going to have to deal with it.
How we stand with the law?
The magistrate isn't usually
this slow to bring out the leg irons.
Wait a minute. We
haven't done anything.
That's a very common
crime on Roa Kea,
but he's more interested
in Yoshiro than in you.
Why is everybody so
interested in Yoshiro?
He's part of a three-way
power struggle.
Our current president, Tibaron,
is slightly right
of Darth Vader.
[chuckles]
Debarri's guerrillas,
anti-West, anti-growth,
and Yoshiro, who could restore
peace if he were to come back.
Danny?
He's just a soy farmer.
Hardly, hardly just.
I was in the bar when
I heard of your trouble.
I'm sorry to say I stayed
there until the police left.
Miss Lelana understands.
Our present regime has
made looking the other way
a healthy prescription.
[Rupert] One that Danny
Yoshiro evidently forgot.
What does that mean?
He wanted too much...
Freedom, democracy,
mostly a more dependable
economic base than tourism.
Soybeans. Danny loves them.
Development here is frowned on.
I have enough trouble with
my own sorry little business.
Excuse me, I thought
you said you were retired.
From teaching, yes.
I used my savings to buy a hunk of
rock south of here called Petite Roa Kea.
It's not good for
much... Seabirds, mostly.
I sell the guano for fertilizer.
Pays my taxes mostly.
Nothing on the order
of Yoshiro's scheme.
- That's what got him
into trouble.
- With whom?
Colonel Debarri for one, then
President Tibaron for another.
[A.J.] Thank you very
much, Mr. President.
I appreciate your
taking the time to see us.
[Tibaron] My pleasure,
a great pleasure.
You are from the southwest
American city of San Diego.
- [A.J. and Rick] Yes.
- Lovely city.
[A.J., Rick] Thank you.
Your Crystal Pier
is in Pacific Beach.
Wasn't it recently
damaged by the storm?
About a year ago, yeah.
- Oh, I feel bad.
- Thank you.
You spent time in America, then.
Five years. New
England, at Harvard.
- [Rick] Huh.
- My degree is in philosophy.
Ah.
As Descartes put it,
"It's not enough to
have a good mind.
The main thing
is to use it well."
Uh, Discourse on
Method. Am I right?
Oh, I see, you have
read Descartes.
A little in college.
And you?
I... get by.
Uh, listen, Mr. Tibaron...
Uh, Mr. President,
there's something screwy
going on on your island here.
There are people shooting at
people, people shooting at us.
Yes.
I've heard of this from
my police magistrate,
but certainly it is more
properly his concern.
I would like that we pursue
the gentlemanly pastime.
This tea's badly heated.
All liquids I consume
must be precisely 63
degrees Centigrade.
You stupid fool. Take it away!
As I was saying...
Mr. President, the
reason we're here,
we were hoping
that you would use
some of your broad powers
to help us find
one of your citizens.
The traitor Yoshiro.
Uh, yeah. Uh, exactly what
did he do to make him a traitor?
To paraphrase an old
theological joke I heard at Harvard,
he ticked me off.
Gotcha.
Our constitution empowers
me to ensure the public good.
I should know. I just wrote it.
But Yoshiro, his blood
is not on my hand.
If I ever find him, it may be,
and it will be with his allies.
But now, gentlemen,
let's go back to Descartes.
It's a much more
pleasant topic, isn't it?
Well, wherever Yoshiro is,
he's traveling light.
Doesn't look like
anything's missing.
I don't know what you
expect to find anyway.
It's not like he's going to leave
airline ticket stubs around or something.
Come on, A.J., you've
seen the guy's wife.
He's not going to leave
the island without her.
I doubt that he's just blindly
going to go some place
where he's never been before.
He's probably got some
little hideaway staked out.
That's her.
Go get her, Uncle Ray.
Mrs. Yoshiro, Ray
Simon. We met yesterday.
I told you then, Mr. Simon.
Why can't you just
leave me alone?
You know, I think that we got
off on the wrong foot, you and I.
Maybe you don't realize it,
but your husband and
I, we go way back...
- Hey, A.J.?
- [A.J. grunts]
You're a rock hound.
What's in the boot?
[Ray] the big blackout here,
I was left with 2,000 gallons
of chocolate almond mocha soup.
Limestone.
If you say it's limestone,
I'm not going to doubt it.
Trust me, I got an A
in geology at UCSD.
It's calcium carbonate.
It's normally found
in limestone host rock,
um, I don't know, like a
cave, something like that.
I keep saying, all around the
soy plantation it's volcanic soil.
Everywhere else it's sand.
Okay, this is volcano, beaches,
more beaches, and this is reef.
What can I tell
you? It's limestone.
Well, there are
the caves of Nahali.
There you go.
They're supposed to be here.
Supposed to be?
They're part of island
legends you hear as a kid.
I don't know anyone
who's ever been there.
Here, the uninhabited
part of the island.
Legend has it there
was an ancient war,
a banished tribe, and so on.
It's like a ghost story.
They're supposed
to still be there.
Cannibals.
Hey, fellows, don't
kid around like that.
It's not smart.
It's just a legend.
- [imitates spear whooshing]
- [Uncle Ray grunts]
[Uncle Ray, A.J.] Cut that out.
Just kidding.
[machete thwacks]
[Ray] Well, boys, I
haven't walked this much
since old Ron Freeman,
curse his squalid little soul,
took all the profits out
of the security portfolio
and left me stranded
right in the middle of Zambia...
Some other time, Ray, all right?
- I was just...
- It's hot and miserable.
Let's not make
it boring as well.
Andy, why don't
you get off my back?
You've been doing this to me
ever since you
were a little kid,
and all I've ever tried to
do is love you like a son.
Ray, are you sure
this is the right time...
No.
You stay out of this.
He asked me a question.
He deserves an answer.
You remember when
I was in Little League,
and Daddy worked with
me and coached me?
And I made it. I was
the starting pitcher,
and then Daddy was killed,
and I asked you to come.
You said you'd be there!
Little League?
You don't even remember it.
You went off to Aruba to
harvest seaweed or something.
That was over 20
years ago, Andy.
One game.
Is that enough to turn
you against me forever?
If you don't have a father
to cheer for you, yes, it is.
Andy, your dad and I...
We loved each other, but...
You see, there was always
this sort of competition.
I kept trying to
see if I could be
as successful as he
was... in his terms,
but, you see, your dad
was a natural businessman,
and I was, uh, anything but,
so pretty quick I
just kept bouncing
from one busted deal to another,
and he kept getting ahead,
and I'm still trying to do it
this long after he's gone.
I guess I missed a lot of
the good that was in life.
I even missed being a
better uncle to you two guys.
Bull.
You're the best uncle, Ray.
Hey, come on, how many kids
get presents from the Belgian Congo
or American Samoa?
Yeah, we're always
proud to brag on you.
Right, A.J.?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, Ray.
It wasn't your fault
Dad was killed.
I just wanted too
much. That's all.
You're the best
uncle we could have.
Well, I'm the only uncle
you could have, so...
- [chuckles]
- That's true, too.
You know, you have to take
these things in life sometimes.
Get stuck with a mess
like me, got to take it.
Could've been worse.
- I don't know how, but...
- Good point.
Yeah, all right, enough of...
Listen, we better get going
or we're not going to
get to Nahali before...
[rustling]
[heavy thud]
Hey, Ray?
- Easy, easy, easy, easy.
- Uncle Ray?
Ray?
Ray, you all right?
Hey, are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm copasetic. Just
help me out of here.
All right, look, here, grab
onto this. We'll pull you up.
All right, here we go.
- Come on.
- Here, give me your hand.
Ray.
Ray?
This is ridiculous.
There are no modern
inhabited islands
with remote cannibalistic tribes
living on them in
the 20th century.
I mean, it just isn't done.
Maybe they don't get National
Geographic way out here.
[man speaking native language]
[men grunting]
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, son. Thank you.
Well, my nephews and I
will be moving along now,
if you don't mind.
- Ray?
- Danny!
[A.J.] Yoshiro?
[Ray] Hey, you're looking great.
I'm sorry these guys scared you,
- but that's the general idea.
- Yeah.
What is this, your idea of
public relations or something?
The Nahali have
always lived here
in the loveliest, most
unspoiled spot of Roa Kea,
and they intend
to keep it that way,
hence the legend.
Daniel, it's not
good back there.
You might be able
to stop the civil war
if you went back.
[Yoshiro] My life
has been dedicated
to the peace and
prosperity of our island.
What could I do?
The President's guard will
crush Debarri and his rebels
and anybody else
who stands in their way.
This time you're looking
at a long-term, all-out war.
Debarri's men are
pretty well armed.
I wouldn't call men with
Korean war carbines well armed.
Neither would I.
These guys have got
brand new British-made
L1A1s right out of the crate.
Where the hell
did they get those?
Obviously it was
smuggled in, but how?
Have you seen any ships
or planes moving in or out?
There was a trawler in
a cove at Little Roa Kea,
uh, two weeks ago.
Little Roa Kea.
Isn't that where Rupert
has his guano rookery?
Guano rookery on that island?
No, it's just a little coral
head. There are no birds there.
But Ginnias was there.
Looks like our
schoolteacher's got
a little sideline for himself.
Yoshiro's on his way.
You know what to do.
[gunfire on TV]
Good afternoon, Rupert.
Yoshiro. Well, I'm
glad to see you.
Your forbearance astonishes me.
If I were you, I
wouldn't be glad at all.
Obviously you're
under a delusion,
which I no longer have
to worry about explaining.
Uh... [clears throat]
Seem to have a stand-off.
Not anymore.
It's Debarri.
[several footsteps approaching]
My troops have been engaged
by the President's Guard.
Someone set off a
bomb, but it was not us.
[Debarri] What is this?
Came for your guns. They're
in the room behind me,
but you may not want them
after you hear
about Mr. Ginnias.
I have eight more
men outside, all armed.
Technically, he's
only got seven,
but one of them's got
a grenade launcher,
so what the hey, make it 30.
This is getting harder
and harder to resolve.
Have you got any suggestions?
- May I try?
- Go for it.
The bomb was set off
by your friend Mr. Ginnias,
knowing that you
would be blamed for it.
That's a lie.
Men on both sides
are going to die
as a result of his greed.
I was forced to go into hiding
because he convinced you
that lies were truths.
He even tried
to kill their uncle
to prevent him from finding me.
He is profiting
from the misery
of all our people,
and all I'm asking of you
is the chance to prove it.
- [Rick] All right, let's go.
- [guns firing in distance]
- We're staying.
- [A.J.] What?
What are you talking about?
Roa Kea's about to be
incorporated by Atlantis.
I can't leave my people.
And I can't abandon my friend.
Ray, you're going
to get yourself killed.
Look, we've got no time
for grandstand plays.
We've got to get
you both out of here.
- No. It's my duty to stay.
- Oh, geez.
If I don't do this,
my life's not going
to be worth living.
You got to give your
uncle Ray a chance
to count for something.
You count, Ray.
You've always counted.
You get yourself hurt,
we're going to kill you.
You'll have to catch me first.
Look, you've done
everything you can.
You must go now.
You guys get moving. That
seaplane leaves in a couple of minutes.
So long, Ricky.
No tricks.
- Take care.
- [Rick] All right.
[distant gunfire continues]
Whose side are we on?
- [A.J.] Whoever asks.
- You got it.
[A.J.] Hey.
So we'll write it off our taxes.
Open up!
[Man] Let's go!
- [gunfire continues]
- Okay, Father?
Yes, thank you, my son.
Who was it who said,
"The coward turns away.
The brave man's
choice is danger"?
[plane engine starts]
It was Euripides,
but he didn't have 200,000
papulas thwarting his idealism.
Two-hundred thousand
of the people's papulas.
Let's go!
Aha.
This is not Roa Kea.
It's where?
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, same to you.
Have a good night.
Well, we're getting
closer. That was Borneo.
Ah, here we are.
Um...
"Reuters Wire Service.
Dateline Roa Kea.
Peace has been
restored to this tiny island
in the South Pacific following
the 14th coup in six years
after President Gustave
Tibaron reportedly fled
with two agents of the C...
- Of the CIA?
- [bell rings]
In Washington, Presidential Press
Aid Ron Bundy refused comment.
I can't understand it.
I can't understand it.
What, are you worried that
something has happened to Ray
or something that
hasn't happened to Ray?
I'm not sure. Forgive me.
He's so irresponsible.
Why doesn't he
get in touch with us?
[Rick clears throat]
Who knows?
[car screeching off]
[Ray's car horn blowing]
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
into town, Uncle Ray?
Well, you know how
I always used to say
that my ship was going
to come in someday?
By God, she's finally docked.
[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon...
[Ray] Welcome to paradise!
Ray, you told us this
was a democracy.
No, the last time I was here,
the Social Continental
Monarchists were in charge.
Roa Kea is on the
brink of a revolution.
These coups nearly always
turn out to be bloodless.
Get me out of here!
♪♪ [theme]
[gunfire on TV]
[bell rings]
[rings]
Stay. Stay.
I've got a package
for you, Mr. Simon.
There's no return address,
uh, plain brown wrapping,
doesn't seem to be ticking,
but you never can tell.
Uh, really, Sam, we're sorry
about the one that
blew up in your truck.
Oh, hey, no problem. A little
tear gas never killed anyone.
There you go.
Some guys have got
dogs on their routes.
Me, I've got private detectives.
Yeah.
You know, that stuff really stays
in your upholstery a long time.
Yeah.
[clears throat]
Thanks. Have a nice day.
Mm-hm.
[footsteps running away]
Uh, you want
me to fill the bath?
- No, it's...
- [car screeching away]
Feels benign.
Ah.
"Picked her up
in Port-au-Prince.
"Sorry I couldn't get the...
A model with the FM radio."
[Rick] Oh, look at
this. It's in digital.
I didn't know these
things came in digital.
Look at that, right in
her little belly button.
Why does he always send you
one of these nauseating things
before he breezes into town?
It's like a voodoo doll.
Uncle Ray has been
sending me these
since I was 8 years
old. This is a tradition.
Thanksgiving is a
tradition. This is a fetish.
Why are you and Mom
so hard on Uncle Ray?
I'm not hard on Uncle Ray.
I'm just telling the
truth. That's all.
- The man is a flake.
- Yeah?
The man is a fortune-hunter.
- The man is a drifter.
- [car horn imitates
bugle call]
The man's here. Yo! Uncle Ray!
Uncle Ray?
[whistling softly]
[Rick] Could've
sworn that was him.
[A.J.] We got lucky.
Hey! Uncle Ray.
I should've known you wouldn't
have been far behind the delivery boy.
You know how I like
to make a big entrance.
- Ray.
- Great to see you.
- Put her there.
- [yells]
[groaning]
[Ray chuckles]
22 years, Rick,
you're still a sucker
for that one, aren't you?
[laughs]
Uh, no, thanks. I'd rather not.
You were always brighter
than your brother, Andy,
not nearly as
good-looking, though.
I can live with that.
- Uh...
- No tricks, on the square.
- [groaning]
- You all right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
So what brings you
into town, Uncle Ray?
Well, you know how
I always used to say
that my ship was going
to come in someday?
Well, boys, it's
been a long voyage.
We almost sunk in the
harbor more than once,
but, by God, she's
finally docked.
All right. Hey.
What was it, that
Brazilian rubber plantation?
No, unloaded that years ago.
Got back nearly 12
cents on every dollar
of my original investment, too.
Great.
Was it the 10,000 Bibles
that you had translated
into Esperanto?
You know, we still move a
couple of those every month.
Oh. Good.
Soybean futures.
Play my cards right, I
can retire in a few years.
You see, I had 40 acres on
this little island called Roa Kea,
a few hundred
miles east of Tahiti.
[Rick] Ah.
But the Marxists moved in,
and I was lucky to
get out with my skin.
Uh, I thought you said
your ship had come in.
Well, I had forgotten
about Roa Kea for years,
and then, six months ago,
I get my first
check... 15,000...
and more to come.
And the first thing you did
was go out and buy a new car.
No. That was the second.
No, the first thing I did
was to have this cashier's
check made out in your name.
$5,500?
5,000 that you lent
me eight years ago
and 500 as interest.
It's the least I could
do after your kindness.
[whispering] I'd
say that's, uh...
I figure that's
a little bit less
than 1% interest.
[whispering] It's the
thought that counts, A.J.
[A.J.] Hm.
So what are your plans
now, condo on the beach?
Well, I'm not exactly
home free yet.
See, those other checks
that I was supposed to get?
- Mm-hm.
- I didn't get.
I phone, I cabled, zip.
Even went to see the company's
American broker up in L.A... nothing.
They claim they can't
reach Yoshiro, either.
That's my partner in
Roa Kea... Daniel Yoshiro,
but those brokers
are stonewalling me.
They're not giving
me any information.
I threatened them. I even
tried to bribe them. Nothing.
Something funny going on there.
- Hey, I know what.
- Rick.
[groans]
A.J. and I can take care
of this for you, no problem.
Mr. Louis Woolner, Frank Bacon.
- Chris Marlow.
- FTT.
We understand that
you're the American broker
for an agricultural concern
- called Third World
Soy Products, Inc.
- FTT... what's...
Roa Kea.
Yes, yes. Could I
see those I.D.s...
Are you aware of the penalties of
importing a controlled substance
into the United
States, Mr. Woolner?
Soybeans?
Soybeans are fine.
Personally I like soybeans. I
sprinkle them on ice cream.
It's what's mixed in
with the soybeans.
Nothing is mixed in.
Then why are there two
laboratory rats in D.C.
with furry little
smiles on their faces?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
how should I know that?
If, uh... If somebody is lacing
the soybeans in Roa Kea,
I don't know who they are.
You don't know a man
named Daniel Yoshiro,
who runs Third
World Soy Products?
Yes. I met him once, but I
haven't spoken to him in months.
Their shipments
have stopped, too.
Just... stopped.
No explanation.
[chuckles]
I can see you don't
know Roa Kea.
There have been a
half a dozen coups
in as many years down there.
It's a wonder anything lasts.
Would you care to tell us
anything about Daniel Yoshiro?
I'll give you his
address in Roa Kea.
I'm no smuggler, believe me.
We're trying, Woolner.
We're... trying.
We already have that.
Thought you were going
to be a bit more cooperative.
If you are refusing to
cooperate, Mr. Woolner,
we have other legal recourses,
many of them damn nasty.
Bring in the files of Third
World Soy Products right away.
I guess the FTT knows
how to keep a secret.
I bet you think you're clever
getting my sons to help you
in another one of your
cracked-brain schemes.
You're always accusing me
of showing up only
when I need something.
Well, it just so happens
that Andy and Rick love
helping their uncle Ray.
Where were you when
we needed your help?
When Jack died, you
could've been a father to them.
Would it have killed
you to stay in one place,
take them to a few ball games,
commit to something
for once in your life?
Cecilia, I wish I knew
because, God willing, some day
I'll see Jack again,
and if he asks me
the same question,
I'm scared to death
- I won't be able
to answer him either.
- [door closes]
Hi. Sorry we're late.
Traffic on the 405...
Anything wrong?
You tell me.
Okay.
Uh, Ray...
Yoshiro has definitely stopped
shipping soybeans altogether.
He has dipped into the till
to the tune of 70,000.
I'm sorry.
It looks like this is
take-the-money-and-run time.
No, not Danny. He's a
dreamer, not a con man.
He just wants to
help the people.
Besides, he's my friend.
Uh... is that like your friend
who hooked you into
the Iranian franchise
for U.S. commemorative
gold coins?
That wasn't a total
bust. I sold 53 of them,
one to every hostage.
Damn it, this is different.
Andy, Rick, I'm 52 years old.
I'm too old to hustle.
There may not be that
many more chances.
Well, there's
one thing for sure.
We're never going to find
anything sitting here in San Diego.
Figured you were
going to say that.
You are going to love Roa Kea.
It's a virtual
paradise down there...
Golden sunsets,
water blue as sapphire.
That sounds wonderful.
[Rick, A.J.] No.
What do you mean?
Mom, this is a case.
It could turn out
to be a tricky case.
We do not take
parents on tricky cases.
That is a company policy.
That's not fair. You
never let me have any fun.
[Rick, A.J.] No.
You come with me, C. My guest.
Oh, Ray...
[A.J.] Actually, this
pâté is surprisingly good.
[Ray] Well, they don't spare any
expense on these big Pacific routes.
[sighs] Just like the
days of the China clipper.
[A.J. groaning]
You think we could get
a little water back here?
[Man] No problem.
Hey, buddy! Wanna pass
that canteen back here?
[Ray] Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Rick, A.J., Cecilia,
welcome to paradise.
[laughs] Welcome to Roa Kea.
[Rick] Uncle Ray, you want to just
cut the welcoming committee speech,
and we'll get straight to
the coconuts filled with rum?
- [A.J.] Uh, guys?
- [Ray] Yeah.
I've got a voucher
here for a limo
to take us from the
airport to the hotel.
There she is.
- [Rick laughs] It's a classic.
- [A.J.] It's a wreck.
- Nah, it's a classic.
- [Ray] Little bit of both.
"Welcome Simmons family."
That's us. How do you do?
[Ray] Put the luggage in
that trunk, I guess, huh?
[A.J.] Here's your voucher.
26 hours and seven
airplanes for this?
[Uncle Roy] Try to get to
Tierra del Fuego sometime.
Boy, interesting architecture.
[A.J.] Breath-taker.
- All right there?
- Yeah.
Goat could use
milking over here, Ray.
Who do you talk to about that?
Some of the local people,
I'm sure they have their
customs in that respect.
This one's eating a basket, Ray.
What do they do to
your luggage, Ray?
- [Ray] Look at the trees.
- What goes on with that?
[Ray] How far are
we from the hotel?
[Rick] Not far, Ray.
This was certainly
worth a drive.
You're joking.
Looks like something out
of a Joseph Conrad novel.
Welcome to the Heart
of Darkness Motor Lodge.
Let's see what she's
like inside, huh?
Yeah.
Welcome to paradise, right?
Be my guest.
[bird squawks]
[Male Waiter] The hotel
special is Roa Kea punch...
Mangos, papayas, guava juices,
a twist of lemon, slice of
lime, cherries, coconuts...
Never mind the mangos.
What do you have with rum in it?
Hm, Mai Tai, uh, Blue Pacifics.
How about a
Chi-Chi for the lady?
Let me rephrase that.
Would you please bring me
the strongest drink you have?
- Mm-hm.
- Make it two.
- Two.
- [Rick] Make it four.
Four.
Well, look at it this way.
Anybody can go to Club Med.
Yeah. Oh, Ray's
seeing to the rooms.
There's a little mix-up.
They lost our reservation.
- Wonderful.
- [men shouting]
[A.J.] What's going
on back there?
That's a little sporting
event for animals.
Cock fight?
No. Iguana races.
That's disgusting.
You ought to see them run.
Iguana races?
Hey, brother, you
won again, 50 papulas.
All right. Thank you, my man.
Turns out I'm a keen
judge of lizard flesh.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Ah...
[sighs]
Mm, that's nice.
Whoa.
Well, while you've been
raking in the... papulas,
I've been working.
Don't look now, but
we picked up a shadow.
- Tell me.
- Shadow?
- [A.J.] Mm-hm.
- Which one?
[Rick] Oh, the guy in
the red hat over there,
one in the blue shoes behind us,
one over here in the formerly
white suit, reading a book.
All of them watching us?
And more besides, too.
Look, we told you
to stay home, Mom.
Well, why are they watching us?
Well, at least one of them
is probably working
for this Yoshiro clown.
Ray's pretty sure that his
wife knows all about this,
so our first stop's going
to be over at his place.
Yeah, after we get Mom
tucked away safely in her room.
Don't worry about me.
One or two more
of these beauties,
and I'll be happy
just about anywhere.
Hey, brother, four more?
[A.J.] Hi, Mrs. Yoshiro.
How do you do?
I'm A.J. Simon.
I'm a private investigator
from California.
This is my brother Rick Simon.
This is our uncle Ray.
Danny wrote me all about you.
Said you were beautiful, but,
uh, that's an understatement.
- Perhaps he told you about me.
- No.
What do you want?
Mrs. Yoshiro, this
is a little delicate.
We need to talk to your husband
about some past-due payments,
payments that are
due our uncle here.
- Soybean payments?
- I can't help you.
- May I help you with that?
- No.
Could we talk to
Mr. Yoshiro, please?
[Rick] Do you know where he is?
No. I have no idea.
[A.J.] So are you telling us
that you don't know
where Mr. Yoshiro is?
And exactly why do you wish
to see this report, Mr. Simon?
As we've said,
our uncle here is owed
money by Mr. Yoshiro.
We simply want to know
whether he is really missing
or whether he's just
laying low somewhere.
You wish to know,
perhaps, if he is still alive
or if he is not, who
his assailants might be.
Uh, we hadn't
considered that possibility.
Please, couldn't we
drop this pretense?
We know who you are, and
we know why you are here.
Is that why you've had
us tailed since we arrived?
- [Man] No.
- No.
That was not necessary,
no more necessary
than your visit.
Gentlemen,
I assure you there is
nothing here of any interest
to the CIA.
CIA?
- CIA?
- CI...
The death squads,
they're a thing of the past.
Tell your president
that here on Roa
Kea we have no...
Uh, how do you say it,
uh, human-rights volitions?
- Violations.
- Don't help, Ray.
Just don't help.
We are just simple
private investigators.
That's all.
As you wish, but
may I remind you
that espionage is still
a crime on Roa Kea,
punishable by death.
Well, you've got to
admit this is a first for us.
We've never been pawns in a
geopolitical power struggle before.
Oh, that's great, Rick.
We can tell our grandchildren
all about it if we live to have them.
Outside.
I hear you're looking
for Daniel Yoshiro.
Oh, yeah? Exactly
where did you hear that?
I was born on Roa Kea.
I can read the signs in
the shape of the waves,
the call of the seabirds,
the bloom of the orchids.
Also, Roa Kea's slightly
larger than a phone booth.
Leah Lelana, Avocat.
You're a lawyer?
UCLA class of '83.
The government
sent me to school,
but President Tibaron
didn't like the way I
kept reminding him
of our Bill of Rights,
so he threw it out.
Now I'm in private practice.
Pretty discouraging.
Ray, you told us this
was a democracy.
If we'd known it
was a dictatorship,
we would have never
brought Mom here.
I didn't know, Andy.
The last time I was here,
the Social Continental
Monarchists were in charge.
That was four
administrations ago.
[automatic weapons firing]
[Man] Out of the jeep. Out! Out!
You are trespassing
on the people's land.
Guys ever hear of
"Keep Out" signs?
This is Colonel Debarri
of the People's Resistance.
Uh, Colonel...
there's been a little
misunderstanding.
This land, this
whole soy plantation
belongs to...
Yoshiro... belongs to a
gentleman named Yoshiro.
- Isn't that right?
- Yoshiro.
Yoshiro... [spits]
Capitalist swine.
Why is it his, because
he has a piece of paper?
Everything belongs to everyone
if they are willing
to fight for it.
You know where Yoshiro is?
No. No, absolutely not.
As a matter of fact, we're
looking for him ourselves.
Listen, tell you what.
Why don't you at
least let the lady leave?
[clears throat]
That's a nice
weapon you got there.
That's the L1A1,
British make, right?
You guys take real
good care of them, too.
Do not attempt to return here.
Move out!
You heard the man.
- [Cecilia] Oh, thank you.
- [Man] You're welcome.
Hi, Mom? Hi.
Oh, A.J., I'd like you
to meet Rupert Ginnias.
Rupert is a retired
schoolteacher,
and he lives on the
island of Roa Kea.
This is my son A.J.
- Hi, how do you do?
- And my brother-in-law
Ray Simon.
How do you do? Oh, I'm sorry...
Nice to meet you. Yeah,
Mom, drink up, please.
Oh, Cecilia tells me
you're a private investigator.
Would you by any chance
know Michael Beecham?
He's the house detective
of Harrods. Lovely chap.
He rabbits on a bit,
but actually he's...
No, I haven't had
the pleasure yet.
Mom, I'm afraid we're going to
have to cut your vacation short.
What are you talking about?
Well, in addition
to its other charms,
Roa Kea's on the
brink of a revolution.
Don't let the
guerrillas worry you.
These coups nearly always
turn out to be bloodless.
Mom, look, here's your ticket.
Plane pour papier, touches
down in half an hour.
- I haven't finished my drink.
- Mom, hang onto that.
That's okay. We'll get you
another one on the airplane, Mom.
[Rick] All these people
can't be waiting for the plane.
It's only got six seats.
Yes, they do tend
to overbook a trifle.
A trifle?
- [sighs]
- Okay, Rick.
Give me your money. I'll start
looking for someone to bribe.
You mean you
haven't bribed already?
Well, it's a little late
for that sort of thing,
but I'll see what I can do.
I don't see why I have to go.
I'm just beginning to unwind.
It's for the best, see?
I was wrong to have you
out here in the first place,
and if anything happened to you,
I don't think I could
forgive myself.
Thank you very much.
Had a spot of luck.
The copilot's in jail,
and the pilot owes me a favor,
so you're sitting in
the seat on his right.
[Cecilia] Rupert, thank you.
[A.J.] Can't we go?
[Rick] Not yet. We've
got to convince the cops
we're being
well-behaved tourists.
How much longer?
[A.J.] Give it another hour.
[motor revving]
[fires again]
Let me out of here!
[explosion]
[engine stuttering]
Hey, I'm sorry.
I'm sure glad Leah was handy.
Guy's giving Ray
the third degree.
[A.J.] I think it's
safe to assume
that this has to do with
more than just soybeans.
Yeah, somebody wants us
to stop looking for Yoshiro
in a bad way.
If he can still be found.
What do you mean,
maybe he's dead?
Yeah.
I don't think so.
On this island,
you kill somebody,
you stuff them down a
volcano and that's about it.
Yoshiro's a little bit too
active behind the scenes.
You may be right.
God knows his wife is scared.
Police are worried
about the CIA.
We've got guerrillas
bombing the beach.
I don't think it
was the guerrillas.
Something interesting
has turned up.
As your attorney, I have a
feeling you might not like it.
It's a dud. We
found it on the beach.
M79 medium.
Yes. I thought
you'd recognize it.
- CIA.
- No, U.S. Marine Corps.
This is Vietnam ordinance.
It's not even made anymore.
Yes, but it's American.
Colonel Debarri uses Soviet,
some European weapons,
not yours.
Consider yourselves
confined to this island
until I say otherwise.
Look, boys, I...
I feel just terrible that
I got you into all this.
- My own family.
- Nah, it's not your fault,
Ray.
- Thank you.
- What am I talking about?
- Of course it's your fault.
- You're right.
We've got this situation. We're
just going to have to deal with it.
How we stand with the law?
The magistrate isn't usually
this slow to bring out the leg irons.
Wait a minute. We
haven't done anything.
That's a very common
crime on Roa Kea,
but he's more interested
in Yoshiro than in you.
Why is everybody so
interested in Yoshiro?
He's part of a three-way
power struggle.
Our current president, Tibaron,
is slightly right
of Darth Vader.
[chuckles]
Debarri's guerrillas,
anti-West, anti-growth,
and Yoshiro, who could restore
peace if he were to come back.
Danny?
He's just a soy farmer.
Hardly, hardly just.
I was in the bar when
I heard of your trouble.
I'm sorry to say I stayed
there until the police left.
Miss Lelana understands.
Our present regime has
made looking the other way
a healthy prescription.
[Rupert] One that Danny
Yoshiro evidently forgot.
What does that mean?
He wanted too much...
Freedom, democracy,
mostly a more dependable
economic base than tourism.
Soybeans. Danny loves them.
Development here is frowned on.
I have enough trouble with
my own sorry little business.
Excuse me, I thought
you said you were retired.
From teaching, yes.
I used my savings to buy a hunk of
rock south of here called Petite Roa Kea.
It's not good for
much... Seabirds, mostly.
I sell the guano for fertilizer.
Pays my taxes mostly.
Nothing on the order
of Yoshiro's scheme.
- That's what got him
into trouble.
- With whom?
Colonel Debarri for one, then
President Tibaron for another.
[A.J.] Thank you very
much, Mr. President.
I appreciate your
taking the time to see us.
[Tibaron] My pleasure,
a great pleasure.
You are from the southwest
American city of San Diego.
- [A.J. and Rick] Yes.
- Lovely city.
[A.J., Rick] Thank you.
Your Crystal Pier
is in Pacific Beach.
Wasn't it recently
damaged by the storm?
About a year ago, yeah.
- Oh, I feel bad.
- Thank you.
You spent time in America, then.
Five years. New
England, at Harvard.
- [Rick] Huh.
- My degree is in philosophy.
Ah.
As Descartes put it,
"It's not enough to
have a good mind.
The main thing
is to use it well."
Uh, Discourse on
Method. Am I right?
Oh, I see, you have
read Descartes.
A little in college.
And you?
I... get by.
Uh, listen, Mr. Tibaron...
Uh, Mr. President,
there's something screwy
going on on your island here.
There are people shooting at
people, people shooting at us.
Yes.
I've heard of this from
my police magistrate,
but certainly it is more
properly his concern.
I would like that we pursue
the gentlemanly pastime.
This tea's badly heated.
All liquids I consume
must be precisely 63
degrees Centigrade.
You stupid fool. Take it away!
As I was saying...
Mr. President, the
reason we're here,
we were hoping
that you would use
some of your broad powers
to help us find
one of your citizens.
The traitor Yoshiro.
Uh, yeah. Uh, exactly what
did he do to make him a traitor?
To paraphrase an old
theological joke I heard at Harvard,
he ticked me off.
Gotcha.
Our constitution empowers
me to ensure the public good.
I should know. I just wrote it.
But Yoshiro, his blood
is not on my hand.
If I ever find him, it may be,
and it will be with his allies.
But now, gentlemen,
let's go back to Descartes.
It's a much more
pleasant topic, isn't it?
Well, wherever Yoshiro is,
he's traveling light.
Doesn't look like
anything's missing.
I don't know what you
expect to find anyway.
It's not like he's going to leave
airline ticket stubs around or something.
Come on, A.J., you've
seen the guy's wife.
He's not going to leave
the island without her.
I doubt that he's just blindly
going to go some place
where he's never been before.
He's probably got some
little hideaway staked out.
That's her.
Go get her, Uncle Ray.
Mrs. Yoshiro, Ray
Simon. We met yesterday.
I told you then, Mr. Simon.
Why can't you just
leave me alone?
You know, I think that we got
off on the wrong foot, you and I.
Maybe you don't realize it,
but your husband and
I, we go way back...
- Hey, A.J.?
- [A.J. grunts]
You're a rock hound.
What's in the boot?
[Ray] the big blackout here,
I was left with 2,000 gallons
of chocolate almond mocha soup.
Limestone.
If you say it's limestone,
I'm not going to doubt it.
Trust me, I got an A
in geology at UCSD.
It's calcium carbonate.
It's normally found
in limestone host rock,
um, I don't know, like a
cave, something like that.
I keep saying, all around the
soy plantation it's volcanic soil.
Everywhere else it's sand.
Okay, this is volcano, beaches,
more beaches, and this is reef.
What can I tell
you? It's limestone.
Well, there are
the caves of Nahali.
There you go.
They're supposed to be here.
Supposed to be?
They're part of island
legends you hear as a kid.
I don't know anyone
who's ever been there.
Here, the uninhabited
part of the island.
Legend has it there
was an ancient war,
a banished tribe, and so on.
It's like a ghost story.
They're supposed
to still be there.
Cannibals.
Hey, fellows, don't
kid around like that.
It's not smart.
It's just a legend.
- [imitates spear whooshing]
- [Uncle Ray grunts]
[Uncle Ray, A.J.] Cut that out.
Just kidding.
[machete thwacks]
[Ray] Well, boys, I
haven't walked this much
since old Ron Freeman,
curse his squalid little soul,
took all the profits out
of the security portfolio
and left me stranded
right in the middle of Zambia...
Some other time, Ray, all right?
- I was just...
- It's hot and miserable.
Let's not make
it boring as well.
Andy, why don't
you get off my back?
You've been doing this to me
ever since you
were a little kid,
and all I've ever tried to
do is love you like a son.
Ray, are you sure
this is the right time...
No.
You stay out of this.
He asked me a question.
He deserves an answer.
You remember when
I was in Little League,
and Daddy worked with
me and coached me?
And I made it. I was
the starting pitcher,
and then Daddy was killed,
and I asked you to come.
You said you'd be there!
Little League?
You don't even remember it.
You went off to Aruba to
harvest seaweed or something.
That was over 20
years ago, Andy.
One game.
Is that enough to turn
you against me forever?
If you don't have a father
to cheer for you, yes, it is.
Andy, your dad and I...
We loved each other, but...
You see, there was always
this sort of competition.
I kept trying to
see if I could be
as successful as he
was... in his terms,
but, you see, your dad
was a natural businessman,
and I was, uh, anything but,
so pretty quick I
just kept bouncing
from one busted deal to another,
and he kept getting ahead,
and I'm still trying to do it
this long after he's gone.
I guess I missed a lot of
the good that was in life.
I even missed being a
better uncle to you two guys.
Bull.
You're the best uncle, Ray.
Hey, come on, how many kids
get presents from the Belgian Congo
or American Samoa?
Yeah, we're always
proud to brag on you.
Right, A.J.?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, Ray.
It wasn't your fault
Dad was killed.
I just wanted too
much. That's all.
You're the best
uncle we could have.
Well, I'm the only uncle
you could have, so...
- [chuckles]
- That's true, too.
You know, you have to take
these things in life sometimes.
Get stuck with a mess
like me, got to take it.
Could've been worse.
- I don't know how, but...
- Good point.
Yeah, all right, enough of...
Listen, we better get going
or we're not going to
get to Nahali before...
[rustling]
[heavy thud]
Hey, Ray?
- Easy, easy, easy, easy.
- Uncle Ray?
Ray?
Ray, you all right?
Hey, are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm copasetic. Just
help me out of here.
All right, look, here, grab
onto this. We'll pull you up.
All right, here we go.
- Come on.
- Here, give me your hand.
Ray.
Ray?
This is ridiculous.
There are no modern
inhabited islands
with remote cannibalistic tribes
living on them in
the 20th century.
I mean, it just isn't done.
Maybe they don't get National
Geographic way out here.
[man speaking native language]
[men grunting]
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, son. Thank you.
Well, my nephews and I
will be moving along now,
if you don't mind.
- Ray?
- Danny!
[A.J.] Yoshiro?
[Ray] Hey, you're looking great.
I'm sorry these guys scared you,
- but that's the general idea.
- Yeah.
What is this, your idea of
public relations or something?
The Nahali have
always lived here
in the loveliest, most
unspoiled spot of Roa Kea,
and they intend
to keep it that way,
hence the legend.
Daniel, it's not
good back there.
You might be able
to stop the civil war
if you went back.
[Yoshiro] My life
has been dedicated
to the peace and
prosperity of our island.
What could I do?
The President's guard will
crush Debarri and his rebels
and anybody else
who stands in their way.
This time you're looking
at a long-term, all-out war.
Debarri's men are
pretty well armed.
I wouldn't call men with
Korean war carbines well armed.
Neither would I.
These guys have got
brand new British-made
L1A1s right out of the crate.
Where the hell
did they get those?
Obviously it was
smuggled in, but how?
Have you seen any ships
or planes moving in or out?
There was a trawler in
a cove at Little Roa Kea,
uh, two weeks ago.
Little Roa Kea.
Isn't that where Rupert
has his guano rookery?
Guano rookery on that island?
No, it's just a little coral
head. There are no birds there.
But Ginnias was there.
Looks like our
schoolteacher's got
a little sideline for himself.
Yoshiro's on his way.
You know what to do.
[gunfire on TV]
Good afternoon, Rupert.
Yoshiro. Well, I'm
glad to see you.
Your forbearance astonishes me.
If I were you, I
wouldn't be glad at all.
Obviously you're
under a delusion,
which I no longer have
to worry about explaining.
Uh... [clears throat]
Seem to have a stand-off.
Not anymore.
It's Debarri.
[several footsteps approaching]
My troops have been engaged
by the President's Guard.
Someone set off a
bomb, but it was not us.
[Debarri] What is this?
Came for your guns. They're
in the room behind me,
but you may not want them
after you hear
about Mr. Ginnias.
I have eight more
men outside, all armed.
Technically, he's
only got seven,
but one of them's got
a grenade launcher,
so what the hey, make it 30.
This is getting harder
and harder to resolve.
Have you got any suggestions?
- May I try?
- Go for it.
The bomb was set off
by your friend Mr. Ginnias,
knowing that you
would be blamed for it.
That's a lie.
Men on both sides
are going to die
as a result of his greed.
I was forced to go into hiding
because he convinced you
that lies were truths.
He even tried
to kill their uncle
to prevent him from finding me.
He is profiting
from the misery
of all our people,
and all I'm asking of you
is the chance to prove it.
- [Rick] All right, let's go.
- [guns firing in distance]
- We're staying.
- [A.J.] What?
What are you talking about?
Roa Kea's about to be
incorporated by Atlantis.
I can't leave my people.
And I can't abandon my friend.
Ray, you're going
to get yourself killed.
Look, we've got no time
for grandstand plays.
We've got to get
you both out of here.
- No. It's my duty to stay.
- Oh, geez.
If I don't do this,
my life's not going
to be worth living.
You got to give your
uncle Ray a chance
to count for something.
You count, Ray.
You've always counted.
You get yourself hurt,
we're going to kill you.
You'll have to catch me first.
Look, you've done
everything you can.
You must go now.
You guys get moving. That
seaplane leaves in a couple of minutes.
So long, Ricky.
No tricks.
- Take care.
- [Rick] All right.
[distant gunfire continues]
Whose side are we on?
- [A.J.] Whoever asks.
- You got it.
[A.J.] Hey.
So we'll write it off our taxes.
Open up!
[Man] Let's go!
- [gunfire continues]
- Okay, Father?
Yes, thank you, my son.
Who was it who said,
"The coward turns away.
The brave man's
choice is danger"?
[plane engine starts]
It was Euripides,
but he didn't have 200,000
papulas thwarting his idealism.
Two-hundred thousand
of the people's papulas.
Let's go!
Aha.
This is not Roa Kea.
It's where?
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, same to you.
Have a good night.
Well, we're getting
closer. That was Borneo.
Ah, here we are.
Um...
"Reuters Wire Service.
Dateline Roa Kea.
Peace has been
restored to this tiny island
in the South Pacific following
the 14th coup in six years
after President Gustave
Tibaron reportedly fled
with two agents of the C...
- Of the CIA?
- [bell rings]
In Washington, Presidential Press
Aid Ron Bundy refused comment.
I can't understand it.
I can't understand it.
What, are you worried that
something has happened to Ray
or something that
hasn't happened to Ray?
I'm not sure. Forgive me.
He's so irresponsible.
Why doesn't he
get in touch with us?
[Rick clears throat]
Who knows?
[car screeching off]
[Ray's car horn blowing]
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA