Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 4, Episode 10 - Our Fair City - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]


Imogene, hello, dear.

You coming to see me?

- It's my taxes.
- Well, you should have
called me

instead of coming
all the way in here.

I'll speak to tax
assessment myself this time.

You won't get
another one, I promise.

Thank you, Mayor.

You take care.

How you doing, Tim?

[cocks rifle]

- [gun shot]
- [woman screams]

[Woman] I think he's been shot.

The mayor's been
shot. Oh, my God.

[doorbell chimes]


[A.J] Yeah, we'll set
it up for next weekend.

Sure. Okay.

Say goodbye to Liz, A.J.

Rick, I'm trying to... Uh.

Uh, Liz, let me call you back.

Uh, we... Some
people just dropped by...

Let me call you back, okay?

Yeah, all right.



Stop by your boy's office
without an appointment,

but doesn't much
look like I need one.

Who the hell are you, friend?

Well, I'm a man who walked
out of his office this morning

to come to see you fellas
and some sucker shot me back.

I guess you're wondering
why I'm still walking around.

No, that you mention it, yeah.

Well, sir, this little flak jacket
here is a mother's best friend.

Still got a heck of a
bruise on my back, though.

You want to see it?

- No.
- No, we just want to know
who you are.

Well, sir, I'm K.K. Drinkman.

The major of the finest little city
on the west coast, Abalone Bay.

Sin City. Viceville. Boy,
I remember one time...

Viceville? Well, that is
the sorriest description

of our fair city I ever heard.

Well, I'm the first to admit

we're a little lenient,
easygoing, and tolerant.

But there's no
crime, now is there?

You're running that place
wide open 24 hours a day.

- Oh, wide open.
- Wide open.

Well, maybe in terms
of worldly pleasures.

But let me tell you something.

Since I've been mayor,
the violent crime rate

has just about dropped
right off the chart.

Well, till today.

Listen, you fellas
mind if I sit down?

Man gets himself back shot,
sort of tenses up the muscle.



You know what we're really
offering in Abalone Bay?

Fun. Just pure fun.

You're lonely, we got free
escort services around the clock.

Call girls?

Listen, you too busy making
a living to get to the track

to exercise your knowledge
of sound horse flesh?

We got free enterprise,
privately owned betting parlors.

Bookie joints.

Well, it's better than the
state-owned communist kind.

You want to exercise your mind
and judgment in a game of skill?

Why we got draw poker parlors

which the state law says is a
game of cunning and psychology.

Don't forget about
the black jack tables.

Well now, don't you forget
our free children's clinics.

Our home for
old folks, libraries,

and that little old
symphony we got.

Now, if I may borrow
from the Good Book?

In Abalone Bay, the
wages of sin is the good life.

By the way, this isn't the
first time they tried to kill me.

How many times have there been?

Three... Well, four
counting today.

Let me see there was, uh...

The electrical wire to my pool
lights just accidentally came loose.

Cooked a blue jay. Missed me.

And then my house filled all up

with gas from a busted line.

Blew out all my
windows. I wasn't home.

Then this road grader

just rolled in front of
my limo on a Sunday.

Why I got out of the
car a second before

it was reduced to sheet metal.

Maybe I had better
show you my back.

No, no, we believe you.

No, I think it's safe to assume

whomever wants you dead
is just tried of being subtle.


What are the police
doing about it?


I hate to admit
that, but there it is.

That's why I hired
me some bodyguards.

Well now, these fellas...

These fellas have
got great moves,

but they haven't
got much upstairs.

That's why I wanted
to hire you fellas.

How much you boys
charge anyways?

$400 a day plus expenses.


- No.
- Yeah.

[Drinkman laughs]

$400 for the both of you?

Yes, sir.

Well, I'm a man
that's always believed

that the laborer is
worthy of his hire.

So why don't we
just say $400 each.

Uh, let's say five
days in advance.

Uh, who's trying to
make the move you?

Out-of-state muscle? The mob?


Chief, that's who.

Chief of Police?


Well, an obvious
one-word question. Why?


Because she wants the whole
dang shooting match, that's why.

[both] She?

Chief M.L. Drinkman.

Mary Louise
Drinkman, my ex-wife.

Four attempts,
and you got nothing.

Not a whisper.

K.K. is making us
look like damn fools.

Like idiots.

Wandering all over town

trailed by those
two hired apes of his.

And one of them walking
backwards, for Pete's sake.

Well, there is that
one rumor, I guess.

Mundy, if I wanted K.K. dead,

I wouldn't have
needed four tries.

No, ma'am, I don't
reckon you would have.

Are you sure K.K. didn't dream
this up to make us look like idiots?

All those attempts
were real, Chief.

Couple of inches
either way this morning

and we'd have ourselves
one dead mayor.

There is one thing, though.

They drove all the way
into San Diego this morning

where it seems that K.K. has
hired himself two private cops.


Here's what you do about them.

They're to get
every cooperation.

They bend a rule,
we look the other way.

They get into trouble,

say, down on East
Main, we bail them out.

Isn't that a little excessive?

Conklin, what's it cost to keep
that kid of yours in Stanford?

14,000 a year.

And what's your weekly rake-off?

1,750 or so... Mundy?

Couple of hundred less

for some reason I
don't understand, yet?

Get this straight, gentlemen.

If we don't hang this
on some one soon,

there aren't going to
be any kids in Stanford

or any more weekly brown paper
bags filled with used 10s and 20s.

So we're going to take
help from the devil himself

if it'll help clear
up this mess.

Do I make myself
clear, gentlemen?



Oh, it's you.

What the hell do you want?

And how the hell
did you get in here?

[A.J] Doesn't look corrupt.

No, just contented.

Last time you came home
from a weekend here, so did you.

Don't confuse
contented with exhausted.

[bell rings]

He did say the lobby, didn't he?


Yeah, we're down for 10:00.

You don't expect
the mayor of Viceville

to be on time do you.

[bell rings]

He's got to maintain an
image of total decadence.

It's nice to see his staff is
upholding the same high standard.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, hi.

Hi, we're here for the mayor.

Yeah, we've got an
appointment, see?

Well, it'll have to wait.

The mayor is busy
with his arraignment

- His what?
- An arraignment?

Didn't you hear it on TV?

They're saying he killed
his ex-wife last night

with his own shotgun.

And just left it lying there.

Doesn't sound
like Major D to me.

Killing his ex?

Leaving his shotgun.


[gavel knocks]

Somebody wants
me to reduce the bail.

Well, we'll see about that.

[A.J] The Mayor's got

old Luke Masterman
defending him.

He flew down from
L.A. this morning.

Who's the prosecuting attorney?

[Woman] The bald
one, Eliot Rutherford.

The judge?

Ah, Eliot's second cousin,
Merriman Rutherford.

Sounds like the Rutherfords

kind of tipped the scales
of justice in this town.

It's that kind of town.


Uh, what was the argument
they just had about?

How high the bail.

I think Eliot is trying
to get $1,000,000.

And Cousin Merriman
is just about to grant it.


Having weighed the argument
of both defense council

and the district attorney,

bail will be set at $1,000,000.

Should the accused
be unable to meet bail,

he will be remanded
into custody.

If it please the court.

What did he say?

If it please the court.

If it please the court what?

Back there, stand
up so I can see you.

My name is Gaul... Frank Gaul.

And if it please the court

I would like to post
Mayor Drinkman's bail.

[Judge] You're
aware it's $1,000,000,

Mr. Gaul, is it?


I am aware of that, Your Honor.

You do accept cash, I presume?


What does that guy do?

He's retired.

From what?

You better ask him that.

May I use your table, counselor?

Yes, yes, I suppose so.

[crowd chatters]

Get some officers
in here quickly.

My card, Your Honor.

I think you'll find
the million is all here.

And if it's no bother, would
you mind mailing me a receipt?

Your Grace.

Ain't gonna make K.K. wait
till I count it, are you, Eliot?

No. No point in
that, so to speak.

Under the circumstances,
Your Honor,

I think you can release
Mayor Drinkman.

Looks like I was
wrong, doesn't it?

Wasn't Mary Louise
gunning for me after all.

Now, they're trying to
tag me with her killer.

Huh, did I do it? No.

Now you boys find out who did.

Uh, you want to give us a
little something to go on?

List of your enemies?


Boys, the 47.2% who didn't
vote for me the last time

are probably all my enemies.


What about the guy
who posted you bail?

Uh, Gaul. What's
your connection?

Well, you boys don't concern
yourself with Frank Gaul.

He's a man I did a favor.

Well, I guess if I tell
you, you won't wonder.

Frank Gaul used to deal
some drugs, but he quit.

Retired to my town
where he has my promise

that he won't have to worry

about anything expect
watering his begonias.


You boys find out who
killed her, you hear?

Old, M.L. she had a temper
like the fires of perdition,

but idea of her being
dead don't sit well with me.

Not well at all.

[bell rings]

- Hello.
- Hi.

Oh, you two.

Uh, Rick Simon
and... A.J. Simon.


Something wrong?

It's my best story
in three years

and my editor isn't
convinced it's worth any art.

These are great shots.

All kinds of oomph
on the Mayor's face.

The Judge doing the stern bit.

Yeah, and don't
forget the mystery man

with the mystery million.

Yeah, sure, that, too.

Well, there some damn
regatta or something

off Coronado today.

They'll probably run color.

Seagulls, sails,
sunsets. Same old junk.

Ever see the color
my paper runs?

The worst.

No, we're from San Diego.

Oh, I hope you
don't take the Bugle.


That's not very loyal of you.

Hey, they let me work in
San Diego, I will be very loyal.

As long as they keep
me out here in this bureau,

well, they can forget it.

[A.J.] I don't know, it seems
like a good beat to me.

It's a wide open town.
Absolutely anything for sale.

All kind of interesting
people like your friend.

What friend?

Oh, you know the guy
with the spare million.

I noticed you didn't
take any shots of him.

Uh, what's his name?
Frank, uh... Gaul.

Who are you two anyway?

Private investigators.

Uh, we didn't get your name.

Martie Collins.


You got business with
Frank, or are you just curious?

Oh, curious about his
connections with the mayor

and you know just how
he fits in around town.

I told you in
court he's retired.

Yes, but you didn't
give us any details.


Well, you might as
well get it from me

instead of some one who
will just screw it up anyway.

About three, four years back,

Frank was the
California coke king.

He was never busted, not once.

And one day he woke up and
decided that's it, he had enough.

So he quit rich, very rich.

He retired.

The only problem was
nobody believed him.

Not the competition.
Not the narcs. Nobody.

Till he came here.

And the mayor believed him?

And the mayor lets
him live here hassle free.

Uh, yeah, for a price.

End of story.

Still got to finish mine.

Two private cops, yeah.
Rick and A.J. Simon.

Yeah, I gave the usual dumb
answers to the usual dumb questions.

That's right. Simon, yeah.

[siren wails]

[no audible dialogue]

[A.J] That's four bookie joints,

three poker clubs,
two cat houses...

Heaven knows how many bars.

I didn't think it was going
to be this must work.

Maybe a massage parlor next.

Well, finally.

- No massage.
- Too bad.

My name's Conklin. I
am the chief of the town.

Nice town you don't have here.

Boys, look we could
either do this easy

or we can do it hard.

Now, me, I like it easy.

- Oh, yeah.
- Me, too, absolutely.


Where we going?

Little stroll.


- What?
- Uh-huh.

Because it costs me 14,000 a
year to keep my kid at Stanford.

That's why.

- Aw.
- Good reason.

He's expecting you. Go right in.

Gentlemen, thank you for
coming on such short notice.

Sit down. Please, do.

Well, I understand you've been
retained by Mayor Drinkman.

That's right.

He needs all the help
he can get so to speak.

Well, we're giving him
everything we've got.

I'm sure.

It's almost like a Greek
tragedy, you know?

The divorce. The acrimony.
The division of spoils.

The blind ambition
of rage. The hate.


Especially, to end like this.

Despite her quirks, I
was fond of the Chief.

We don't think he killed her.

No, of course you don't.

After all, that's what
you're being paid for, isn't it?

Well, yes, but we think
we can prove he didn't do it.

Meaning money can't buy proof.

I beg your pardon?

Never mind. You
have my blessing.

After all, my task is
to see justice done.

It's the only way
this city can recover.

You've seen the Los Angeles
or San Francisco papers?

It's simply awful.

You see, we Rutherfords
founded this city back in 1851.

So we have a deep personal
stake in its reputation, so to speak.

So if you can prove
the mayor's innocence,

you need only come
to me at any time.

Any time at all.

We thought we let his
defense counsel in on it, too.

What, if anything,

can you tell us
about Frank Gaul?

Off the record, if you'd like?

On or off the record,

I consider that man to
be an absolute menace

to this community, so to speak.

Well, thank you both
for coming, gentlemen.

I've enjoyed our little talk.

Uh, so have we.

So to speak.

[A.J.] This isn't the
way to our motel.

[Conklin] You fellas
have hear the old saw

about a man can't
serve two masters?

[A.J.] Yeah, I've heard it.

[Conklin] Yup, I
don't think the guy

who thought it up knew
what he was talking about.

Well, we're really
enjoying the tour, Conklin,

but what's the point?

We're getting to that.


You know we can
take you right now?

- Yeah, but you won't.
- Why not?

Because you really want to
know who lives here now don't you?

Well, imagine my surprise.

What do you think?

[A.J.] Well, it's nice.
It's very nice actually.

[Frank] Yes, it is, isn't it?

Well, so far your inquiries

have cost me quite a
lot of political capital.

Now, I owe favors

to anyone who
wouldn't talk to you.

And I don't enjoy that.

I hope you found out
something worth annoying me.

Well, you tell us.

Let's see, you got out
of the coke trade rich,

you live in a big
house on the hill,

and the mayor is
your political abbot,

rabbi, protector,
whatever you want to call it.

We also watched you in
court today. Million in cash.

That was a little
theatrical, don't you think?


And now why do you suppose
I do something so ridiculous

other than to keep the
mayor out of his own slammer?

Oh, you were making a statement.

Delivering a
message. Advertising.

That's very good.

A the message?

Well, sort of a
warning, I'd say.

Money is power, and
I have tons of money.

Also, it's just a little
dash of contempt in there.

Oh, so that did come
through. Oh, that's excellent.

Very right about the sanctuary.

And because I want
very much to preserve.

Today I took certain steps.

What steps?

I spent a little
money, $100,000.

Oh? What did it buy?

Well, I purchased proof of who
really killed the Chief of Police.

It'll be delivered in my
hands by 6:00 this evening.

Now, I've decided to turn
the evidence over to you

rather than the police.



You know sometimes I think
maybe I took a wrong turn.

Don't you didn't. I saw
a sign right back there...

I'm not talking roads.
I'm talking about my life.

I'm just becoming a
series of very odd moments.

Now, that's not true.

As this moment I am on my
way to see a drug dealer, retired,

to get something from
him which he bought

which he thinks will
clear a crooked politician

of a murder we
hope he didn't do.

- Well, what about me?
- You're gonna have to eval...


[tires screech]

How fast was that
damn fool going?

About a 100. Yeah, at least 100.

I know they're a little casual

about law and order around here,

but that's ridiculous.

Know you know the smart
thing to do would be of course?

Sure, leave.

We're not going to do
the smart thing, are we?

- Why start now?
- Indeed.

Drop it.


It's mine.

I came in here,

and he was lying
there like that.

The gun was lying over
there, so I picked it up.

[sirens wail]

Guess they got me for
sure this time, don't they?


You want to tell us quick?

Well, I didn't kill him.

That's the end.
Start at the beginning.

Well, old Frank here, he
called me late this afternoon.

Said he wanted to
see me alone around 6.

Something about who
killed Mary Louise, my ex.

I said okay,

so I came over here
maybe 5, 10 minutes ago.

Door was open.

He was lying there
deader than a fried cat.

You fellas believe me?

[sirens stop]


- [car door closes]
- Huh.

Nobody else will
that's for damn sure.

[A.J.] Familiar-looking

[Rick] Yeah.

Somehow not surprised.

[water runs]



I could sure use some hot tea.

[A.J.] How do you feel now?

Sober. Cold sober.

You, uh, nearly hit a pickup

on your way from
Gaul's, didn't you?

Did I?

I don't really remember.

I was going awfully
fast. I do remember that.

Why, did you see me?

From inside the pickup.

Then you know about
Frank, don't you?

That he's dead.

He is dead, isn't he?

I didn't just dream it, did I?

He's dead.

Why come here?

I mean why come to us, Martie?

[Martie sniffling]

Who else?

Can't exactly trust
the cops in this town.

You want to tell us about it?

I started drinking
right after you guys left.

Feeling sorry for the
old career, you know.

Then I decided to go see Frank.

We were... Oh, we
had this thing on and off.

And we fought a
lot, but who doesn't?

Now it's time to make up again.

Well, Frank wasn't there,
but, well, I had a key.

You know, uh, just off
the living room there,

there's this little den.

Frank and I used to go in there

and talk and listen to jazz.

Goof around, you know.

So I got a bottle,
and I went in there,

and... I guess I passed out.

Until the woke me up.



Frank's, I guess,
and some other guy's.

What were they saying?

I can't really remember.

I was really out of it.

Then I... I heard the shots.

I waited and waited,

and, when I came out...

Frank was on the floor.

And then I... I got on my bike.

And you can't remember
what they were saying,

Frank and the,
uh, the other guy.

I might be able to.

Uh, I thought you
said you passed out.

Yeah, but I know a technique.

You know, I can remember
being 2, maybe even 1 1/2.

I can't remember being 30.

I learned how when I was on
my search for enlightenment.

Yeah, I studied in
Nepal with Neer Pajapti.

- You've, uh, heard of him.
- No.

I can't say as I have.

Well, uh, anyway,
this might work.

We should give it a try.

You got a... a pencil?

Uh, no. A pen.

- A pen. Pen will do.
- Here you go.

Uh, no, not for
me. It's for you.

[A.J.] 99, 98, 97...
96... 95... 94...

93... - 92...
- Oh... [Rick] 91...



Okay. Uh...

Uh, Frank Gaul's house, tonight.

Tell us what you heard.

Damn it!

That is the only copy.

Then burn it.

Burn it right now,
there in the fireplace.

Okay, I burned it.

Cost me 100,000,
but I burned it.

Now what else do you want?

From you?

I guess that's all.

So to speak.

What does that mean?

It means I have no
further use for you.

Bang, bang!



Wake up, Martie. [snap]



Well, did that help?

I mean, do...

Do you think you know
who killed Frank now?

Oh, yeah. We know now.

So to speak.

[Martie's voice]
Okay, I burned it.

It cost me 100,000,
but I burned it.

Now what else do you want?

From you?

I guess that's all.

So to speak.

What does that mean?

It means I have no
further use for you.

Bang, bang!


[fingers snapping]

[A.J.] Okay, Martie, wake up.

That's it?

What do you mean, that's it?

That's a perfect recitation
of a murder from memory.

I don't want any part of that.

That's hearsay, a
drunk's hearsay at that.

Oh, come on, Town,
you can bust it open.

You can bust it wide open.

This is your specialty.
You know that.

Back off, guys. It's
an Abalone Bay crime.

It's not my crime.
Go see their cops.

We have met their finest.

He lacks a little
something... A conscience.

Trust us. This is a crime

that cries out
for a guest arrest.

Come on.

It's out of my
jurisdiction, man.

I'd be freelancing out
there with no backup.

- And what about proof?
- Town, it's right...

Proof. So your guy has the
same corny phrase as the shooter.

So what? That
doesn't mean it's proof.

- Not even there.
- Especially there.

That's why we need you, Town.

The best.

Downtown Brown.
Prince of the city.

- Mega-cop.
- Dynamic.

- Super cop - Okay, okay.

- Did you say okay?
- Yeah, I said okay.

Look, I don't mind it
when you guys lie to me

or when you cheat me
or when you blackmail me.

But when you stoop to flattery,

come on, it's an
insult to our friendship.

- It's love.
- It worked.

What's first?

Reach out and
touch Mr. Rutherford.


Half Pound Brown. Let's talk.

Brown, I'd like you
to pat me down...

For weapons, transmitters,

anything that might
hinder our mutual trust.

Then I'll return the favor.

Your mobile home
and castle, I take it.

[Rutherford] Built for comfort.

Sleeps 12.

You're a suspicious dude.

I'm not a dude. Let's drive.

It overheated a little
on the way up here.

Well, Mr. Brown, we'll simply
have to talk another time.

Get in.

[Town] You're not
only a suspicious man,

you're a nervous man.

I have a short
fuse, too. Let's go.

Look, uh, I'll tell
you what I want.

You tell me if you can
give it to me, yes or no.

If it's yes, I'll tell
you what I heard

the night Frank got
blown away, okay?

Fine. I'm open to any
reasonable proposition,

so to speak.

Well, it's simple.

I want the same thing Frank
got over in Abalone Bay...

Official sanctuary.

I want to live hassle-free.

I think that can be arranged.

Of course, it
might cost a little...

Certain gratuities.

I can pay.

So far we have a
deal, so to speak.

Okay, here's the skinny.

I'm sacked out in a little
den off the living room,

when Frank and this
other guy comes in,

so to speak.

You're hung up
on that, aren't you?

Yes. Perhaops I should
find another expression.

I was hoping you
wouldn't recognize me.

But, Mr. Brown, in
your next lifetime,

you should learn
to expect the worst.

And, for heaven's sakes,

when an opponent invites
you, search him well.

[Rick's gun cocks]

Drop the gun,

or Mr. Brown will have
a very severe headache,

I promise.

[Town] Do it.

Get down here, Mr. Simon,
or they're dead, right now.

We're going to take a little
spin up into the mountains.

Mr. Brown looks a little edgy.

One of you drive.

[engine starts]

[Rick] What was it

that Frank Gaul
had on you anyway?

A lucky photo shot
by some tourist

of me aiming a
rifle at the mayor.

Gaul paid the film processor
an enormous sum for it.

Now, unfortunately,

that poor gentleman has
also paid the ultimate price

for his meddling, so to sp...

You killed him, too?

I mean, just like you killed
the chief and Frank Gaul?

I simply exterminated them.

After all, they were pests.

I want to clean up my town.

Can't put your house in order

until you get
rid of all the rats.

[wheels screech]

Turn back toward
the road, Mr. Simon,

or I'll shoot
Mr. Brown, I swear.

[Rick] Well, I figure
we're all dead anyway.

This way, you go with us.

Do what he says, fool.

I really will shoot him.

I'm going to count to 3.

- 1...
- Yeah, Rick believes you,

but he also believes
that after you shoot him,

you're gonna have to shoot me,

He thinks he can take
you while you're doing that.

I don't think that. I know that.

Excuse me, you want to
turn this damn thing around?

I'm going to kill him! 2!

[Town] A.J., do something!

Nothing I can do! We're
all gonna die anyway!

- Stop this thing!
- 3!

- Stop it!
- Rick!

Did you think it would work?

- No. Did you?
- No.

Want to know what I thought?

- No.
- Good.

- [Drinkman laughing]
- [Town] Yeah, that's right.


I tell you, Brother Brown,

Abalone Bay is a
veritable gold mine.

You come and be
my Chief of Police,

I guarantee you'll be
pulling down $100,000 a year

in juice alone.

- A hundred thousand?
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, yeah, you're
going to need deputies.

That'll just be
walking around money.

And we walk real good.

What do you say?

Well, sorry, Mr. Mayor.
I'll have to say no.


Well, you think on it.

Yeah, I'll think about
it... Late at night, real late.

Well, you fella ever
get over my way again,

you drop in and
see me, you hear?

Yeah, we sure will.

Maybe we can get into a
little more mischief together.


Close-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA