Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 3, Episode 2 - D.J., D.O.A. - full transcript

Stay away from me.


Gee, I wonder why
people think she's cracked.

[Announcer] Tonight,
on Simon & Simon.

Free wheels from the
Big Vermin, KRAT..

I saw Terry Hudson get the
daylights beaten out of him.

What do you two guys want?

Well, we're looking
for Terry, you know?

Get out of here, will you,

before I have to have
this place fumigated.


I want those two detectives

to stop breathing.


♪♪ [theme music]

KRAT., the Big Rodent
rocks San Diego.

Oh, I'm telling you, the
sound of that man's voice

does things to me

I cannot begin to
describe over the air.

I bought his latest album

and I took it home and
I played it for my cat.

She started sleeping
on the turntable.

Eight weeks later,
yeah, she had kittens.

[canned laughter]

I'm not kidding.

Ahoy there.

This is the Captain,
Captain Marsh,

coming ashore to
tell you once again

about the Marshland
KRAT. giveaway bonanza.

We're going to give
away one car a day

- [knocks]
- for the whole month.

Now, you won't want to
miss this golden opportunity.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Wrap this job and go
pound down some pancakes.

Hey, I can dig it.

You're never up this early,
so you must be up real late.

You get lucky?

I wish.

You want to?

We'll get the flapjacks to go.

Oh, come on, Terry.

You didn't roll out at 4 A.M.

just to cook up something
weird with maple syrup.

I've been shooting the
bull with Zimmerman.

You know Zimmerman, don't you?

Zimmerman? Uh-uh.

Sure you do.

Look, I got to get something
out of the back-up studio.

Why don't you finish
your shift and let's talk?


It's kind of serious.

I'll fill you in over
the cakes, okay?


So hurry on down

and harpoon a brand-new
or super used car

at Marshland, where
I can promise you

one whale of a deal.

This is the Captain
speaking, over and out.

Not a bad deal.

Free wheels from the
Big Vermin, KRAT..

And speaking of wheels,

personally I've
never made it a secret

that raw horsepower
turns me on like crazy.

And you know what
else turns a girl on?

Listen up, now.


But it's got to
be hip furniture.

Remember that old couch
you got at the garage sale,

or that table your
mommy gave you?

Well, those will never do.

You're going to have to jog
on down to Levitz, where...

Oh, my God.




Two weeks down in Baja,

fishing, drinking beer.


Do believe it's vacation time.

What are those books?
Give me those books.

Hey, hey, hey.

No books allowed on this trip.

What are you talking about?

Okay, fine, two books.
You can take two books.

How to mix the
perfect margarita,

and how to pick up
women in Ensenada,

and if you need
the second book...

- You're in big...
- Ah!


Hi there.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

I'm a terrible driver.
Just the worst.

You're lucky you didn't end up

in the canal back
there some place.

You really should be
more careful, both of you.


I'm looking for Rick
and A.J. Simon.

Never heard of them.

Don't know them. Can't help you.

Oh, no, they're
supposed to live here.



Oh, yeah. One's kind of blond.

One has dark hair
and a moustache.

Gee, I don't know anybody
like that, Fred. Do you?

He's Rick. I'm A.J.

Way to go, Fred.

So the police came down.

Phil Freeman the station
manager came down.

Everybody came down.


Nobody saw a sign of him.

Nobody saw him
either coming or going.

Nobody but you?

Yeah, that's right.

Nobody but Crazy Susan.

Everybody started looking
at me like maybe I was crazy.

Maybe I am.

Well, I've heard your show,

and I guess if somebody
wanted to make the case

that you are, say,
slightly eccentric...

Slightly eccentric.

I like that.

Who is Zimmerman?

I wish I knew.

I mean, Terry never
mentioned him before.

Never mentioned to anybody.

That's typical, though.

I mean, when you
work a mic for a living,

you move around too
much to make many friends.

And he was about
to move on again?

Yeah. That's what
Freeman told the cops,

that he'd fired him
yesterday afternoon.

It whacked me out.

I mean, Terry worked
afternoon drive.

He just had his
third upbook in a row.

He had what?

Ratings. You know, numbers.

Terry was hot.

I don't care what he
said. Whatever he was into

couldn't have been heavy
enough to get him fired.

No way.

You're sure about this?

I mean, about he was going
to tell him something heavy.

Zimmerman, the whole thing.

Look, I'll admit to
being a little flaky, okay?

But that never
happens at the mic.

Work is the one place

where I've got
everything under control.

I saw Terry Hudson get the
daylights beaten out of him.

Okay. One more load, that's it.

A.J., we're ready to go.

You're going to like
this. This is interesting.

It's what?

It's very interesting.

Private detectives?

What did she go and do that for?

She works for you. You tell me.

Look, you swore that no
one would give a rat's patootie

about some flake
of a disc jockey.

Usually, that's the way it is.

Disc jockeys come and
go on a moment's notice.

Nobody cares.

Where is Hudson, anyway?

Susan said he was
getting creamed.

I had Tony and Jack
rough him up a little.

They were just
supposed to lean on him.

Look, forget about Hudson.

We still have to find the list.

Hudson didn't tell
you where it is?


You still know where
Hudson is, don't you?

Oh, we know
where he is, all right.

Then force him to tell you.

We got to find out
what he did with it.

Well, you sure changed
your tune in a hurry.

Look, chances are, anybody
who finds Hudson's list,

they're not going to know
what the hell it is anyway.

Can we afford to take that risk?

You started this
thing. Finish it.

It's already finished.

Least as far as
Terry's concerned.

See, Jack and Tony
went a little overboard.

Oh, God.

[Rick] You know, we could be
hooking the big marlin right now.

You know that. Uh-huh.

Let's hook Terry Hudson first.



Look out, will you?

For what, rats?

[yelling inside house]


[yelling in foreign language]

Thank you.

I don't know about you,

but I'm not going to argue
with either one of them.

Hey, what's going on here?

The door, wh-wh-what
happened to the door?

The furniture.

Where's all the furniture?

Uh, well, more importantly,
where's Terry Hudson?

He ain't here?

I-I don't believe it.

- Don't believe what?
- The nerve of this guy.

He must have skipped out and
took all my furniture with him.

Your furniture?

This is a furnished apartment.

Wait until I call the
cops on that creep...

Uh, excuse me. I take it that
means you haven't seen him?

Seen him?

I could kill him.

Look at this!


Yes. Yes, I understand that.

She will give you a
make-good on that. Don't worry.

You got my word
as program director.

One free commercial.

I love you. Now, go on.
Get out of here. Will you?

I hate him. Wish he would go
on and get out here permanently.

What do you two guys want?

Those suits aren't
wet, are they?

Oh, no, no. Not yet.

Look, we're, uh, like, we're
looking for Terry, you know?

I mean, Terry
hasn't been around,

so, you know, like,

well, we're looking for him.

You, uh, you friends
of Terry or what?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, like, he
owes us some money.


Terry owes everybody money.

Yeah, him and Zimmerman.

If you say so. I don't
know this guy Zimmerman.

As for Terry, that sleaze-ball
had an IOU list as long as a...

um, surfboard.

Yeah, he-he owes us one, too.

He borrowed one from
my friend, Mojo here.

Yeah, wow. Do you know where
we could find Terry, Mr. Freeman?

Not since I fired him.

No, he's out of here for good.

He may be on a flyer
to Mexico for all I know.


Why do you say that?

I mean, you know, like...
Except for, you know...

like the-the money thing

you know Terry was a...

Terry was a cool dude.

Cool dude.

I love you guys.

You spend so much
time on the beach,

when you do come
inland, it's like a safari.


Well-w... Why did you
fire Terry, Mr. Freeman?

I mean, he spun some-some
groovy sides, you know?

You guys know they
closed the Fillmore, right?

[both] No.

What am I sitting here
justifying myself to you guys for?

Get out of here, will you?

Before I have to have
this place fumigated.

If-if-if you fired Terry,

maybe you got a like...
You got a spot open and...

Hey, I could fill Terry's
sandals, you know.

Please, go back to the beach
and snort some sand, will you?

Okay, that's cool.

Like in cool jerk,
you know, huh.

Hey, uh, uh, take Mr. Music
with you, will you please?

Oh, hey, yeah. Mojo.

Did you get it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah I got it.

But what did he tells us?

He's a sleaze ball.

In this case, it takes
one to know one.

- Ahh!
- Oh!

- Oh.
- Ah! Ah!

It's mace.

I know what it is.
Why did you use it?

Come on. Help me get him up.

What am I supposed to think? What
are you guys doing here anyway?

The door was open. Whoever does
your house didn't bother to close it.

You don't have to shout!

I am not shouting!

Come on, A.J. You're not
dying. It just seems like that.

All right. Come on. Get
your face under here.

Come on. Get up.

All right, now
breathe real slow.


Deep breaths. Deep
breaths. Real slow.


What am I sitting here
justifying myself to you guys for?

Get out of here, will you?
Before I have to have...

Is that true?

About Terry owing
everybody money?

Oh, not really.

Nickel and dime stuff, you know.

He-he owed me, uh, maybe $10.

You know, this could all
just have been burglars.

- Yeah.
- [sighs]


What's so funny?

That's a heck of a
sunburn you got there, pal.

I do.


The other one said
you believed her.

When's your shift?

Midnight till 5:00.

And what time does
Freeman leave?

Oh, he's usually gone
by the time I get there.

Well, why don't we go to
work with Susan tonight,

check up the back-up studio?

Terry had to be after something.

This true?

Wouldn't you like to know.

Not particularly.

You! Oh!

- Oh.
- I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You do the jackets, Susan.

It's time to go
back to the phone.

We've allowed you to
run free long enough.

No, stay away from me!
You said I was cured! Help!

Enter the dragon.

That's a good,
little, crazy Susan.

Don't be difficult.

Gee, I wonder why
people think she's cracked.

Oh, I can't imagine.

Ought to give the image a
little rest, don't you think?

Agh. Still not going to give me.

You want some coffee?


♪ I get all my information ♪

♪ From watching 2.72 days ♪

♪ I get the latest inhalations ♪

♪ I get everything that I need ♪

♪ Through all the years ♪

Do you want a balloon?

♪ Each day of my life ♪

♪ till the day when I die ♪

Maybe later.

[Rick laughs]


Adam Ant.


I'm doing Highway 61 Revisited.

Oh, here's another one.


Queen of soul.

What's Dylan doing in here?

♪ Not to lose my mind ♪

Wait a minute.

Bob Dylan, real
name Bob Zimmerman.


What the...?

Oh, no, not again.


Wait here!

Hey! Hey!



Are you okay?

- Yeah.
- Huh?

♪ Not to lose my mind ♪

Rick, you all right?


- You sure?
- Oh yeah. I'm fine.

Ah. Oh. What happened to you?

I got punched. What
happened to you?

Uh, uh...

Why did you let them
put this on my head?

You were bleeding.

Is that... I bleed real easy.

Easier than I can
grow that hair back.

Forget about your hair. There's
nothing there to worry about.

Just try and remember
the list, okay?

How many names were on
it? Come on, Rick. Concentrate.

I've been out for
the last six hours.

Right now I've got to concentrate
to keep my eyes from crossing.

I say, uh...

uh... must have been
50, 60 names on the list.

Uh, uh, okay.

First name, Harold.



Uh, Howard.

- Howard.
- Howard Messner.

No. Uh, Messinger.

Howard, uh... I can't remember.

Look, you know,
if you saw the list,

even if it was
only for a second,

my friend should
be able to help.

[Rick] What does your friend do?

Benny's a hypnotist.

He does a matinee.

Yes, folks. They will
do whatever I tell them.

And they won't remember a thing.

The marvel of hypnosis.

Craziness without guilt.

Let's see. Mm-Hmm,
good news. Very good.

Oh, this breakfast
looks wonderful.

Hi there. Please,
just go sit down.

Hi, how are you?

Don't... Shh, quiet.
Don't wake them up.

Okay. Well, I think they've eaten
about enough, don't you folks?

It's time to [claps].
Yes, that's right.

It's time to work off all
those breakfast calories.

Right? Ready, go!

[all] We love Jane Fonda.
We love Jane Fonda.


And they're all
registered Republicans.

They're all registered

All right. Thank
you. You're awake.

And feeling fine.

Everybody, you're
awake and feeling fine.

Very good. Please
go back to your tables.

Give them a hand
folks. They need it.

I'm sure your friends
will be glad to tell you

how embarrassed you should be,

especially you, my dear.

Thank you. Well, that
wraps up my matinee show.

If you liked it, I'll be back here
again at 6:00. Please join me.

And if you didn't, like
this gentleman here,

then please be somewhere else.

Thank you and remember,
you're all awake and feeling fine.

Thank you very much.


Wow. Some people will
sit still for anything. Yeah.

Which album did you find
the sheet of paper in, Rick?

Bob Dylan's
Highway 61 Revisited.

You're taking the sheet of
paper out of Highway 61 Revisited

Can you see it?


Good. Can you
tell us what's on it?


It's folded over.

Did you unfold it?


You're unfolding it now.

What do you see?


List of names.

Can you see the names clearly?


Tell me the first
name on the list.

Harold L. Messinger.

Very good. Good.
You're doing just fine.

- Am I?
- Oh, yes.


Now, tell us the
other names on the list

after the name
Harold L. Messinger.

Harold L. Messinger.

Lucy Erin Usher.

Gregory D. Sevello.

Todd Mackleheinie,
no middle initial.


Stewart Pites.


Cindy B. Gitterman.



Still don't believe him.

He didn't make me do
anything embarrassing, did he?

Like think I was a chicken
or anything like that.


Maybe a howl at the
moon and scratch leaves,

But it's nothing you
don't do normally.

Uh, come on.
He's kidding, right?

- Tell me he's kidding.
- He's kidding.

- No, he's not.
- Maybe.

Do you recognize
any of the names?

No. Not a one.

Are we still alive?

Damn it!

When I don't want you
to get rid of somebody,

you get rid of him.

When I ask you to
get rid of somebody,

you blow it.

Hudson was an accident.

I don't give a tinker's
damn about Hudson.

It's those two detectives.

I want them out
of the way for good

before they
figure out that list.

How are they
going to figure it out?

All those names are history.

Hudson, figured
it out, didn't he?

Yeah, but, uh...

All the winners were
announced on Hudson's show.

Is that it?


No. I want those two detectives.

And I want them to stop
breathing in a very abrupt manner.

As soon as possible.


Voter registration
was the ticket.

Good thing you
had the full names.

Every one in the
southern California area.

Not, uh, just San Diego?

No, no. Some
were in Los Angeles,

some in Riverside,
a couple in Redlands,

one in Anaheim,
one in Long Beach.

Well, how many in
the San Diego area?

Uh, this group here.

18 out of the 60.

Well, anything else today?

Or anyone?

That's it. Thank you
very much, Julius.

You know where to send the bill.

I can't carry you
guys much longer.

You mean he didn't pay you?

All right, what are the damages?


Hey, come on.

We're good for it. Relax.

I'm relaxed.

Hey look, all I have to do is
tap a of couple buttons here

and you can kiss
your credit good-bye.

That's illegal.

So is that.


Ah, Julius, one
little thing, okay?

Uh, these 18 people,
still in town, right?

Uh, yes. Except for one thing.

See that little symbol
there next to their names?


That means they're deceased.

All of them.


So, what is it?

Weird is what it is.

All these people...

bought a new car right
around the time they died.

Not only that,

they bought the exact
same make and model

financed through the same bank.

Where's that computer print-out?

On the seat.



Uh-huh what?

All right, now. Look at this.

People that died in '81

bought that year's
make and model.

People that died in '82

bought that year's
make and model.

Look at this. They all died just about
the same time during the year, the fall.

I'll show you something
else that weird.

Okay, fine.

Each of the cars was registered
a few days after they died.

You're right.

Gee, I never realized

there was such a large market for
automobiles among dead people.

Well, maybe the stairway to heaven
is actually a freeway to heaven.

Well, I'll tell you.

I'd die happy if I could find just one
thing about this case that made sense.

What do you got?


All of these people
must have died broke

because the county provided
burial for each and every one of them.



Well, that means no
friends, no relatives.

Take a look at the addresses.

Strictly skid row.


All right.

Let's put this thing
into perspective.

Now, correct me
if I'm wrong, okay?

But this the way I
got this thing figured.

What we have here is
a whole bunch of people

with no money

who go out and buy brand
new cars just after they die.

Now, is that pretty much
the way you got it figured?

That's pretty much the
way I got it figured. Yeah.

And what, I ask myself, has Terry
Hudson got to do with all of this?

If he's dead, he probably
just bought a new car.

There you go.

Or else he just won a new car.

[sighs] Of course.

The big giveaway bonanza.

Marsh and Kayrat
get a scam going,

Terry finds out about
it, he gets greased.

But what a nice little scam.

Isn't it though?

They pick a card
every day for a month.

The winner gets a
brand new automobile

courtesy of Owen Marsh.

Yeah, except the
winner is already dead.

What do you figure? He,
uh, forges the pink slip.

Yeah, sure. Of course.

I mean, look. He
gets the tax write-off

and then he gets to turn
around and resell the car.

Freeman's got to be in on it.

So what? Still a nice split.

Certainly is.

30 cars at, uh...

Oh, what do you
figure? $10,000 each?

I guess we'll sideline.

I thought it was the end of
the line, for Terry Hudson.

So get on down here
before the end of the month

and keep sending
those cars to KRAT.

You, too, could be the lucky
winner of a brand new car

in the Marshland KRAT
Giveaway Bonanza.

This is Captain
Marsh signing off.

Still doesn't add up.

They give away 30 cars, but there's
only 15 names on the list for each year.


They're not as
greedy as we thought.

15 cars go to real winners.

And 15 to the stiffs.

Sounds right.

You're going to need something a lot
more solid than that to nail Marsh so

something, I don't
know, sales records.

Something good.

Maybe these guys
behind us can help.

- Huh-uh.
- Can they be any more obvious?

Let's pull a steeple queen.

They're making it
awfully easy for us.

They know we're back here.

I know.

They know we know we know.


You okay?

Yeah, you?

Yeah, I think so.

- Hey, Rick?
- Yeah.

What color is the
truck on your side?

It's red. You know it's red.

Not on this side it isn't.


Agh! [honks horn]

Damn it! I'm all out
of that color, too.

- Damn it! Damn it!
- Well, what about that paint
you bought...

Oh, that's no good. You have any
idea how much it's going to cost me

to get red lead paint
and repaint this whole...

Relax. [honks horn]

They are going to pay for it.

You bet they're
going to pay for it

just as soon as we get our
hands on those sales receipts.

What time does
Marshland close tonight?

About the time
Susan goes on the air.

All right. I'll ride
shot gun on Susan.

You hit the good old Catherine.

Oh, hey, this is getting
close. You got to...

Here, press this button.

- Uh, that one?
- One up.

Okay. All right, oh. [music]

- You got it?
- Yeah.

Here's the list of the
winners so far this year.

Oh, good. Where
did you get this?

Oh, they post it on
the bulletin board.

Um, do the winners come
down here and pick up their cars?

No, they go out to Marshland
after we notify them.

Ah ah. Here.

You recognize any of them?

Hmm. Huh-uh.

No, huh-uh.


Who picks the winners
out of the drum?

- Freeman.
- Mm-hmm.

And does anybody
from the station

go down there to Marshland
to congratulate the winner?

Yeah, sure.

[together] Freeman.


You worry about A.J.

I think I'll be okay here.


Really, uh?

You forgetting what
happened to Terry?




Oh, geez.

Harold L. Messinger.

Well, well, well.

Lucy Erin Usher.

If you two hadn't
botched it this afternoon

we wouldn't have to
be worrying about this.

Well, we're getting a little
over our head right now.

Hold it!


Gee, I don't get a free car?


He isn't back yet?

No, I can't reach him.

Come on. Let's go. I'm hungry.

- Hungry?
- Hungry.

Hi, how are you doing?

The music's on two.

You called your
mother at this hour

just to join us for breakfast?

No, join you for breakfast.

So you could have some company.

Well, I hope she doesn't
mind getting up at dawn.

Ah, nah. Up with the roosters.


All right. What's so
terribly important?

Breakfast. That's what
you always say. Right?

- Here?
- It's the only place open
at the crack of dawn.

Oh, Mom, I'd like you
to meet Susan Sackwell.

- Susan, I'd like you to meet...
- Hi.

- The greatest mom a guy could...
- All right, save it.

Just, uh, what kind
of trouble are you in?

Gee, you're a little grumpy
this morning, aren't you?

I didn't disturb you and, uh,

Mr. 'Gee-I-am-handsome-
even-if-I-do-dye-my-hair', did I?

[Susan] I'm sorry, Mrs. Simon.

Look, uh, I think maybe we do own
your mother an explanation, Rick.

Hey, what's to
explain? I'm buying.

Hey, come on.
In certain circles,

Enrique's Roach Coach is
considered a gourmet's hot night out.

Or morning.

It's all good, but I recommend

either the chili sides or
the jalapeno poached eggs.

Hey, Enrique. My mom over here.
You take good care of her, okay?

See you later.

Love you.

How are you doing, Rick?

Hey, Bubba. Keep an
eye on them, all right?

Yeah, right.

[horn honks]



Hey, it's that other detective.


All right, hold it right there!

Get over here.

¡Venga aquí!

All right, turn
it on in reverse.

All right, get down here.

On the ground, face down.



I think I'm glad to see you.

You ought to be. You
were about 30 seconds away

from starting life over
again as a beer can.

I know. Get me out of here.

- Huh?
- Get me out of here!


You're here awfully early.

I thought we weren't leaving
for Baja until around noon.

Sit down.

I am sitting down.

Oh yeah. I want you
to listen to something.

Oh, how long you been here?

All night. Well, since about 1
o'clock in the morning anyway.


You know how you're
always complaining

we never have enough tax
deductions at the end of the year?

I wouldn't call that
always complaining.

The fact remains we could
use a few more tax deductions.

Something besides these
matches we're always leaving in bars

and hotel rooms and the back
seats of squad cars. Right?


Is this where I hold my breath?

Don't hold your
breath. Just listen.

You're alone. You're in trouble.

There's no one to
talk to, nowhere to turn.

You're missing something
or somebody. [crash]

You followed all the arrows

yet found yourself
at a dead end.

Friends, relatives, you can't
confide in them. [police siren]

Or you do confide in them, and
they stop returning your calls.

What will you do? [dog barks]

What can you do?

Who can help you with
your problems? [gun shots]

Who can you depend
on? [gun shots]

Us, that's who.

We're Simon and Simon,
confidential investigations.

Discrete, efficient,

[woman screams] We solve problems
that don't seem to have solutions.

And your consultation
is always free.

So next time you're
in trouble, call us.

We're in the phone
book. [tires squealing]


You did that all by yourself?

Yep. Well, I borrowed
some of the effects tapes

from Susan's radio station.

But I figure, oh, ah...

I figure ten plays a day, KRAT.

And they got a special
rate going right now.

- Are you serious?
- Absolutely serious.

- Come on. This is going to be...
- I thought you were joking.

- Does it sound like a joke?
- Yes.

Look, we're going to
put this on the air even if

-I have to use my own money...

- No, we're not.
- Yes, we are.

No we're not and I'll
tell you why we're not.


You remember Benny?

The hypnotist?


Well, I lied to you about him.

While you were under he left a
little post-hypnotic suggestion.

Oh, he did not.

Oh, yes, he did.

And all I have to
do is say one word,

just one particular word,

and you will... Well...

It is highly probable that you
will be removed from society.

Wh-what will I do?

- I'm going to make some coffee.
- Hey, come on, A.J.

What'll I do. I mean
anybody could say that word,

anytime, any place.

Come on. What will I do, huh?

That's right. Good idea.

What will I do?

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA