Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Wrong Stuff - full transcript
I want to take you
to a dirty movie.
[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon.
One of the girls from
Vampire Cheerleader
showed up today with
two private detectives.
Keep us out of it.
We'd like some information
on your next attraction.
A not-to-miss
cornucopia of passion.
Former astronaut
Christopher Ahern
produced porno
movies using minors.
Let's keep a real
low profile here.
We're probably
committing high treason.
Set it maximum.
♪♪ [theme music]
What is it we're going to
do again, Miss Donald?
It's called a field trip, Denny.
What is it we're going to feel?
No, not feel.
Field. A field trip.
We're going to a field?
No, no.
We're going to a museum.
The museum is in a field?
No, no. That's just
an expression, honey.
When we go out of the classroom,
they say that we're
going out in the field.
Looks like a street to me.
Why don't they
call it a street trip?
I'll bring that up at the next
teacher's conference, okay, Lilah?
Denny, come on.
Get away from there.
You don't want to...
Gee, Miss Donald, she
looks an awful lot like you.
Wow, is that really
you, Miss Donald?
To heck with the
museum. I want to see this.
[children] Yeah.
Catching up on
our Proust, are we?
Oh, this is great stuff.
It's the story of the
nymphomaniac owner
of a Hollywood boutique,
daughter of an escaped
Nazi war criminal,
who has left her a
haunted Mercedes
which may or may not
contain the soul of Adolf Hitler.
Terrific.
Someone published that?
Are you kidding me?
It's 13 weeks on the New
York Times bestseller list.
Why am I surprised?
Any messages?
No, not unless you count that.
Funway 20-megaton
nuclear peacekeeper?
Courtesy of the daycare center.
Damage reports
are still coming in.
Well, not to worry.
They may be ahead
of us in land-based toys.
We have a definite superiority
in air- and sea-based toys.
[knocks]
Oh, I like the silhouette.
Mr. Simon?
[both] Yes?
You probably don't remember me.
I'm Catherine Donald.
From the daycare center?
Oh, yes, the Terrible Twos.
Of course.
Just the person we want to see.
We would like to negotiate
a verifiable nuclear freeze
between your kids and us.
Nobody wants to
see this thing escalate.
I'm sorry.
I left Terrible Twos
several months ago.
Look, uh, I need your help.
I'm in very serious trouble.
What can we do for you?
I want to take you
to a dirty movie.
"Behind their pom-poms
beat the ravenous hearts
of demons lusting
to be set free."
Let me explain.
You see, 5 years ago,
I was working my way
through college as a waitress.
And then I lost my job.
I was down to my last $100,
so I answered an ad in the paper
and I did a nude
part in a movie.
Cathy, I know how
embarrassing this must be,
but after all, you
did take the money.
I took the money because I
thought I was in a campus comedy.
And the nudity was brief.
It was in silhouette.
In fact, they still needed 3 takes
because I was blushing so much.
But believe me, it wasn't
a hardcore sex film.
Well, it is now.
This place doesn't show
anything unless it's rated triple-X.
Or so I've heard, anyway.
Oh, that's what I was afraid of.
How can they do that?
Producer hires some doubles,
shoots the sex scenes
and then inserts
them into the movie.
And so it makes it look like
I'm the one doing
all the acrobatics.
I can't believe this
is happening to me.
I'm just about to
finish my internship.
The schoolboard is
meeting next week
to consider my application
for a full teacher's position.
Have you spoken to an attorney?
Yes. You see, I was only
17 when I made that film.
The producer knew it. He
just looked the other way.
I suppose I could
bring him up on charges
for exploiting a minor
if he goes ahead
with the film's release,
but I don't know
where to find him.
- "Produced by Howard Hunk."
- [phone rings]
Suppose that's his real name?
We could call all the
Hunks in the phone book.
[woman] Tell him
we're going to be
a little late for choir
practice, Harvey.
All right, Harvey. Okay, bye.
3?
Uh, no, no.
We'd like to see
the manager, please.
Vice Squad, right?
[A.J. & Rick] No.
Then I'm the manager.
Wha... You run the
Ecstasy Theater?
Fred Astaire pictures don't
sell tickets anymore, sonny.
What can I do for you?
We'd like some information
on your next attraction.
Vampire Cheerleaders?
A not-to-miss
cornucopia of passion.
On the Marge and
Harvey Holdecker scale,
10 being highest, this is a 9.
Harvey and I didn't
like the soundtrack.
The groans were out of synch.
Oh.
Uh, do you know this woman?
You're the one wearing
the football helmet.
The football helmet?
Why, Harvey couldn't
stop talking about you.
I know what you're doing.
You're on a publicity tour.
Uh, no. Not exactly.
See, we're trying to find
the producer of the film.
Howard Hunk?
Well, in the trade,
he's known as
Mr. Gross Receipts.
That's him.
But I've never met the man.
Most of those guys
keep a pretty low profile.
You might check
with the distributor,
Nightowl Films,
over on Third Street.
But I don't think
they'll tell you anything.
Well, thank you very much.
Excuse me, I was
hoping you might help me.
My name is Crumset,
Alfred J. Crumset,
and I'm the science teacher
at Belmont Junior High School.
Oh, yes, and wrestling.
We're a little
understaffed this semester.
Are you sure you're
in the right office?
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, absolutely.
You do distribute educational
films here, don't you?
Oh, well, I guess we do.
Among other things.
I'm trying to
contact the producer
of a truly wonderful film
that we had in class recently.
Some really remarkable
shots of amoebic cell division,
and a study of African fungi.
I'm sorry, I don't think
we have the African fungus one.
Well, you wouldn't
happen to recall
the name of that, would
you, by any chance?
- No.
- Well, that doesn't
really matter,
because I know I
would recognize it
if I saw it.
Could I perhaps take
a look at your roster
of films and their producers?
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's all confidential.
Oh, dear.
Who the hell is
responsible for this?
That's what I want to know.
Are you looking
for someone, sir?
If I'd have known they have a
whole fleet of bimbos in here...
I beg your pardon, sir.
That's no way to talk to
these fine young ladies.
You're one-celled
organisms. You're algae.
I don't really like that.
I've know some very
fine algae in my time.
Fine, I take that back. You
give plankton a bad name.
You take a nice,
clean-cut all-American kid
from West Bend, Rhode Island...
I mean, we're
talking glee club here.
Honor society. Hallway monitor.
And you degrade,
debase and exploit him.
Just who do you think you are?
I'm Ralph Kelly's
brother, that's who I am.
At least, that was his name
before you people
turned him into this.
You know him better
as Smoky Lane.
That's how you billed him in
your sex-o-rama dust mulch.
Now wait a minute, I don't...
How'd you do it? Drugs?
Hypnosis? Brainwashing?
Look, I think you've
got the wrong guy.
You people produce this filth...
[grunts incoherently]
We take a very
scientific approach
to wrestling at
Belmont Junior High.
[gurgles]
For example, do
you realize, sir,
that by applying a few
additional grams of pressure,
I could paralyze the entire
right side of your body?
Now why don't you
apologize to this nice lady?
[grunts]
No offense, ma'am.
It's just you reminded me
of somebody I once killed.
Uh.
Now let's get up, on our feet.
You can do it.
You can do it.
That's it.
Now let's be on our way.
We have an appointment
somewhere else, don't we?
That's it.
[grunts]
Ah.
Most unpleasant fellow.
Thank you. I thought that
guy was going to kill me.
Look, officially I can't show
you the roster of our clients.
But, um...
I'm going to be taking
my break, so, um...
If you happen to see
what you're looking for...
Very cute.
[Announcer] What
you have just seen
is an accurate scientific study,
endorsed by the
National Commission
to Investigate
Insatiable Phenomena.
Cooperstown, New York.
This one's going to make it
by word of mouth, gentlemen.
Word of mouth.
Thanks for coming by.
I'll be looking forward
for your orders.
Barry Fastman?
Alias Howard Hunk?
That's right. Can I help you?
Well, not us exactly,
but our client.
Vampire Cheerleaders.
All right, come on in.
Sit down. Make
yourself comfortable.
What a surprise.
That's what I've
been saying lately,
ever since I saw that poster.
Oh, you mean the changes.
Yeah, well...
You two gentlemen
must be lawyers, huh?
Private investigators,
but Ms. Donald is
represented by counsel.
Oh. Well, I really am
sympathetic, Ms. Donald,
but try to understand.
I had an unreleaseable picture
sitting on my shelf
for nearly 5 years.
Now people are willing
to spend money to see it.
I had no intention
of embarrassing you
or anybody else.
In fact, some of the
kids in the picture
have gone on to
become big X-rated stars.
That doesn't make
me feel any better.
Oh, of course not.
And that's why I'm
willing to offer you
some compensation
for your embarrassment.
Say, uh, $1,000?
Look, I just want to be
out of the film
and off the posters.
Well, that's not possible.
You see, the picture opens
in 50 states next week.
200 prints have
already been struck.
Tell you what,
I'll make it $2,000.
Mr. Fastman, you don't
seem to understand.
Our client was 17 years
old when she made the film.
She was underage.
By employing her,
you committed a felony.
You're absolutely right.
Cutting her out of the film is
the only decent thing to do.
I have some partners
I have to consult with.
You understand.
But I'm sure we'll
work everything out.
Meanwhile, give me 24 hours,
and I'll let you know then.
Mr. Fastman.
Don't try to leave town.
I'm too successful
for that, my friend.
Call me tomorrow.
[woman] GroundStar
Aerospace, Mr. Laughlin's office.
[Barry] Yes, my name is
Fastman. Barry Fastman.
I'd like to speak to
Mr. Laughlin, please.
May I tell him
what it's regarding?
Well, I'm sure
he'll remember me,
but if he doesn't, tell him
I'm a business associate
- of Colonel Ahern.
- Colonel Ahern?
Yes, that's right. Colonel
Christopher Ahern.
Just a minute.
[Laughlin] It's been
a long time, Fastman.
I don't want anything
more to do with you now.
You don't have any choice.
Unless you want to see the name
of your heroic Colonel Ahern
dragged through a scandal.
What are you talking about?
One of the girls from
Vampire Cheerleaders
showed up today with
two private detectives,
threatening to sue.
Keep us out of it.
I don't think so.
If she sues,
I'm taking down
the Colonel with me.
And when he goes down,
so does your corporate image.
It doesn't have to go that way.
I'm glad you agree.
But I'm just a guy who
knows how to make movies.
You guys know
how to play hardball.
[line disconnects]
Besides us and Fastman,
nobody else knows.
Am I right?
Just the Colonel.
What about this girl and
the two private detectives?
If Fastman didn't tell them,
there's no way
for them to find out.
It'll be all right, Ed.
It's going to be all right.
[man] Got a light, buddy?
[TV reporter] and in
1971, the Apollo moonwalk.
Astronaut, vocal proponent
of our national defense policy
and a consultant to
GroundStar Aerospace,
let's meet the man right now.
Colonel Christopher Ahern.
Morning.
You're more at home these days
in a Senate hearing room
than an Apollo capsule.
But you took the long way home
after being the last man
to walk on the moon, right?
Well, you could say
that I was one of the last.
People tend to remember
the first, or the last.
But in-between, there
was a dozen of us,
practically anonymous.
So you began drinking.
In a generally
destructive way, yes,
but fortunately, I managed
to pull out of the tailspin.
Let's talk about that.
Your present position...
You are the spokesman for
GroundStar Aerospace, correct?
That's right.
In 1971, you said,
"History shall judge the
military exploitation of space
the ultimate corruption
of what should have been
one of mankind's
noblest endeavors."
Now how do you reconcile
that with your present position,
which must, I imagine,
entail the selling
of military satellites and
weapons to the government?
Now those were
different times, Temple.
That was before
Afghanistan, before Poland.
- [door opens]
- Nothing new.
They're still putting it
down as senseless violence.
Rick keeps saying that it didn't
have anything to do with me.
Well, it didn't.
Look, even if it did, it
doesn't make any sense.
Why kill Barry Fastman
just to keep him from
editing you out of a movie?
A-ha.
"What," I hear you
cry, "have we here?"
- What have we here?
- Thought you'd never ask.
A flow chart of the late
Mr. Fastman's business holdings.
He seems to have
had more corporations
than Elizabeth
Taylor had husbands.
At the top here, we have
Fastman's net holding company,
appropriately entitled,
Fastman's Enterprises, Inc.,
of which he owned 100%.
Which, by the way, does not
own Vampire Cheerleaders.
Swell. They sold it off.
Yeah. Typical sleazy
business practice,
or he could have
laundered it through...
these in here.
He could have sold
all of it or part of it.
Who knows? Anyway,
he owned at least 51%
- of these corporations here,
which, in turn...
- Wait a minute.
You mean to tell me Fastman
had all these film companies?
Well, he had part of them,
but they're not
all film companies.
This one right here,
Hippodrome, LTD., of
the Grand Cayman Islands,
that makes those little
porcelain hula dancers
that Rick likes to collect.
- Who owns Vampire Cheerleaders?
- I don't know.
Look, it could take me
weeks to untangle all of this.
Look, it doesn't matter
now. The man's dead.
Maybe I can make a
career of those films.
Look, Cathy,
maybe Fastman's death does
have something to do with your film.
We won't know what until we
know who owns the film now.
When we find that out, we
can call the law down on them.
You said it would take weeks.
They'll be showing it by then.
Well, this is only
one way to go.
If it doesn't pan out,
we can check up with some
of the actors you worked with.
[TV announcer] One
last question, Colonel.
That sense of purpose
that you spoke of and lost,
have you found it again?
Uh, purpose?
Yeah. I... I... Yes,
I definitely have.
I'm... [clears throat]
I'm working to keep
America strong.
Colonel Christopher Ahern.
At GroundStar
Aerospace, I'm Temple Hill.
[chanting]
Gee, it's hard to tell.
Bob was never dressed
like this on the set.
He usually wasn't
dressed at all.
[Man] Cosmic. Cosmic
harmony to you all.
Do you have interest in
our group, my children,
or merely wish to
make a love offering?
Actually, we were
looking for Robert Davies.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Robert Davies was but a symbol,
imposed at birth
by a corrupt culture.
The symbology
has been discarded,
freeing the incarnate soul.
You got any idea where we
can find the incarnate soul?
It resides within us,
in love and harmony.
Unless, of course, you're from
those deprogramming people,
in which case you
can all go suck an egg.
Look, I'm an old friend...
Acquaintance of his,
and I really need his help.
Please, can you
help us find him?
I sense your need, sister.
He's but a short
distance from us,
physically speaking.
And should you have any
errant thoughts of kidnapping,
with enlightenment
comes a thorough familiarity
with deadly force. Om.
I am Kahana, he
who shed the mortal lie
that was Robert Davies.
How may I help you, sister?
Bob... I mean, Kahana...
Hi. I'm Cathy Donald.
We worked together
about five years ago.
On a film.
A film? Uh...
I am afraid I cannot
isolate that energy, sister.
Perhaps you have
the wrong entity.
Does the name
Vampire Cheerleaders
isolate any energy for you?
Not so loud, please.
I take it you do
recall the film?
Uh... that was part of...
a previous incarnation.
I have shed the
temptations of the flesh.
I have taken a vow of celibacy.
Look, Mr. Kauai... Kahana.
Yeah, whatever.
We don't give two hoots
about your sexual inclinations.
We're just trying to track down
Barry Fastman's
business partners.
Now did you have a
contract with his company?
No, no, no. It was all verbal.
He paid me from checks
from his personal account.
I don't know anyone who
would have had a contract.
Except maybe... maybe Frank.
Who?
Frank Demora, the
director. You could try him.
He's got a house
somewhere in La Jolla, I think.
I don't know.
Please, look, I
don't know any more.
Honest.
Will you just leave before
someone overhears?
What difference would that make?
Even if some of these people
did know about your past,
doesn't forgiveness kind
of come with the package?
Forgiveness, hell.
I made ten of those films.
As far as material
illusion goes, I am loaded.
If his Holy Oneness finds
out, he will bleed me dry.
Capiche?
Om.
[engine starts]
[engine starts]
This, of course, is
simply a variation
on the standard KH-11 design.
It's not very original,
but it's what the
Pentagon wants.
Now this is something we're
all very excited about, Chris.
It's an orbiting solar collector
in geosynchronous orbit.
It would gather solar radiation,
and convert the energy
into a tight-focused
laser beam back to a...
There's potentially unlimited
amounts of energy here.
I mean, my God, it could
supply 20% of the energy needs
for a city the
size of San Diego.
Uh, no, no, no,
Colonel. You see,
this is strictly a
defense application.
They won't give us a cent
for a domestic program.
[sighs] As I said, a
tight-focused laser
capable of impacting
enemy missiles
at a distance of several
thousand kilometers,
or of blinding
Russian spy satellites.
Damn it, Neil. You've
got something here
that can free us
from this ridiculous
dependence on fossil fuels,
unhobble us strategically
in the Middle East,
and you... you want to
use it as a space weapon.
The money's already allocated.
Besides, you may think
fossil fuels are ridiculous,
but there are an awful lot
of oil companies out there
- who don't agree.
- You never look past
your own noses, do you?
Just grab what you
can while you can,
and to hell with anything else.
You're awfully bloody
righteous for someone
who was lying in the
gutter before we found you.
We picked you up, Ahern.
We dried you out, we
made you a celebrity.
We bought you, Colonel.
You're bought and paid for.
The hell you did.
Easy, Chris.
Maintain the strain.
You don't need this
now. None of us do.
It can get messy.
Why don't you just get
with the program, you know?
Ed.
Ed, I was 24 and
as green as could be
the first time I saw you in
that rocket sled at Edwards.
And after I climbed
aboard, I threw up my guts.
You remember what happened?
You pushed me right back
aboard for another ride,
and I never had any trouble
with my stomach after that.
How about you, good buddy?
Colonel.
Go ahead.
Follow your conscience.
Tomorrow the New
York Times will come out
with a juicy Page 1 account
of how former astronaut
Christopher Ahern
produced porno
movies using minors.
I never knew about
that. I just needed money.
You just needed a drink.
All right, Neil. Go ahead.
Expose me.
And I won't be any good
at all for you in Washington.
True, Colonel. Absolutely true.
But just consider this...
All we lose as a
lobbyist, you lose a life.
Finish your damn slides.
[projector clicks]
Anyway, the plan
calls for six satellites...
[phone rings]
- three active...
- Loosma here.
Mr. Loosma, Ben.
Those two detectives are still
working on the Fastman connection.
Is our position in any jeopardy?
Possibly.
It shouldn't be. Okay.
No, no, no, you're too weird.
I'm looking for the
boy-next-door type.
Chains and whips time.
Nothing too way out. Number 16.
Excuse me. Mr. Demora?
Your office said we
could find you here.
- My name is A...
- I don't care
what your name is.
You gotta take a number
like everybody else.
- No, you don't understand. We're...
- Oh, you're special?
Yeah, yeah, I know.
You're all special.
Say, look, next time,
ditch the hat, cowboy.
This whole Mr. Macho
virility thing is a cliché.
It's history.
- Yeah, but look, Mr...
- Okay, okay, you're aggressive.
All right. I can't
fault you for that.
Besides, you do have a quality.
I need a preppy
look for a specialty bit.
You into rubber?
- I'm allergic.
- Oh, that's too bad.
You know, maybe
if we lose the hat...
Okay, let's see the merchandise.
- [growling]
- Demora, we are not actors.
Tell me something I
don't know already.
We're detectives.
Okay, let's take ten, everybody.
Look, I don't know
anything about any partners.
The only guy I ever
dealt with was Fastman,
and he was bad enough.
You had a contract.
Who was it with?
Oh, God, it's been five years.
Oh, yeah, I think it was Nymph.
Nymph Productions. That's right.
I remember their checks had this
little Greek thing printed on them.
Okay. Now did you
ever have any dealings
with, oh, the head of
their business affairs
- or their lawyer?
- Are you kidding?
For most of these guys,
"business affairs" is a
checkbook and a roll of stamps.
Now it seems to
me, with this outfit,
I had to sue before they came
across with my directing fee.
In fact, I think they had to go to a
bank to get out a loan to pay me.
You remember the
name of the bank?
Come on, it's been five years.
I think... I think it was
Golden West Bank.
That do you any good?
More than you know.
Thank you very much.
Okay, listen, if you ever change
your mind about being in the movies,
just let me know.
I'm like the Marines.
I'm always looking
for a few good men.
Uh, come on, kids,
let's get back to it here.
Well, for them to get the loan,
they'd either have to do a
lot of business at that bank...
- Or the bank
ran a credit check.
- Yeah, but either way,
they had to have collateral.
Hey, want some ice cream?
You know, one of those
little nut fudge cones
you used to like?
- You remembered.
- Sure, I remembered.
You used to dribble it all
down the front of your t-shirt.
- I did not.
- Sure, you did.
I'll bet Mom's even got
pictures and everything.
Hey, buddy, you want to pull
over and whip us up a triple dip?
I didn't. I distinctly remember.
You used to get marshmallows...
You okay?
Yeah. Thanks to a great
piece of American steel,
I'm just fine.
Boy, it's nice to know
you're getting close
to something, isn't it?
Yeah. It's these
little validations
that make the job worthwhile.
Uh, you want to call the cops?
And tell them what?
We were assaulted by
a rogue ice cream truck?
Yeah, assaulted by a
Bad Humor man wouldn't...
Yeah, you're right.
I think the last time
you and I went fishing,
we were at the Cape.
[laughing]
That's right.
Indian River. [laughs]
Yeah.
Indian River.
You want to...
Uh, no.
Look, about what I
said today, to you.
Forget it.
I don't think so.
I just stood there like a lump
and let Loosma rough you up.
Should have said something.
It's not your fight.
I know, but that's
a hell of a note.
It ought to be.
Who knows?
I mean, you got GroundStar
to offer me the job.
I took it.
[sighs]
I already knew the score.
At least I should have.
You know, I
remember that moment.
Precisely.
When I was standing on the moon.
And I looked up off the horizon,
and I was afraid.
Afraid nothing would ever be
that beautiful in my life again.
I'm tired of being afraid.
Eureka, Chapman, Sepulveda.
Okay?
Mr. Hadley?
Yes. Can I help you?
The Securities and
Banking Fraud Task Force.
- I didn't see that.
- Look, Hadley,
we can do this the hard
way or the easy way.
That's completely up to you.
I think you've made
some sort of mistake.
Why is it the last
dingo of the day
- always wants to do it
the hard way?
- I beg your pardon?
Look, maybe the guy's got a
family. You want to keep this OTR?
OTR?
Off the record, and
it's out of the question.
We're gonna do this
strictly by the book.
Okay, Mr. Hadley.
In 1978, your bank
authorized loans
to a Barry Fastman
of Nymph Productions.
Well, we're a very large bank.
I don't recall
every transaction...
Use your head,
Hadley. Think about it.
[shutter clicks]
Now we have reason to believe
that the loan officer in charge
of this particular transaction
was receiving, shall we say,
compensation for his
part in approving the loan.
- Kickbacks?
- He knows.
I know nothing of the sort.
I can't believe any
employee of this bank
would do such a thing.
This is absolutely outrageous.
What were your names again?
[telephone rings]
Hello?
It's Philip Hadley.
- Of course I still work
at the bank.
- [Rick laughing]
Yes.
They're right here.
Certainly.
An Inspector Escobar?
Ah, that'll be for me.
Yeah, Carlos.
Well, the guy seems
to be cooperating.
Over here, please.
Carlos, a complete review.
You know that's gonna require
closing down the bank for three weeks.
Well, I don't know whether
that's gonna be necessary.
Look, Carlos, why
don't I just call you back
when we know a
little bit more, okay?
Fine, fine.
Yeah. My love to Edith. Bye bye.
Where were we?
I was about to show you all the
records on the loan in question.
Yeah, I told you we wouldn't
have anything to worry about.
Carlos' timing was right on.
Well, Demora was
telling the truth.
$85,000 loan at 12 1/2%.
Wait, here we go.
Limited Partnership.
And principals are
Barry L. Fastman,
Richard K. Wells,
Lester T. Bolton,
Christopher J. Ahern.
Wait.
Ahern.
Why is that familiar?
Let's see.
Christopher Ahern.
Colonel, United
States Air Force, retired.
The astronaut, remember? He
was on one of the last Apollo flights.
Why would an astronaut
be making porno movies?
- Ahern?
- Yeah.
Rick and A.J. Simon. Can
we talk to you for a minute?
Well, I'm sort of
late for a meeting...
We'd like to ask
you a few questions
about your involvement
with Nymph Productions.
You guys from GroundStar?
Where?
No, sir, we're
private investigators.
We're working for a young lady
who was a lot younger
when she starred in your film.
I think maybe we
better talk about it.
I was drinking. Really drinking.
You know, not for
courage, but for oblivion.
I retired at half
pension, wasn't working,
divorced.
I was really primed for Fastman.
He promised me I
could double my money,
and I didn't really
care how he did it.
Underage porno?
Yeah.
He called it adult
entertainment ventures.
Even flew me to
Vegas to sign the deal.
I was so in the bag back then,
I don't even remember the hotel.
Maybe I never asked him,
but he never said it was porno.
And he sure never said he
was using 17-year-old girls.
When I found out, I should
have kicked his teeth in.
It's too late for that.
You can still help us
spare the girl, though.
If we can find out
who owns the film,
we can seize the prints.
That's easy enough.
Neil Loosma.
Who is?
My boss.
Chairman of the board
and chief executive officer
of GroundStar Aerospace.
[sighs]
Satellites and skin flicks.
Guess that's what
you call diversification.
An old friend of mine
from the Gemini days,
Ed Laughlin, he got
me into GroundStar,
and it looked like it
was a road back for me,
a forum for some of the
things I still believed in,
like the peaceful uses of space.
Wait a minute.
Aren't you the guy
who's always
chomping at Congress
for these monster laser
robots and killer satellites?
Loosma buy the contracts
to use them as a club?
Fastman needed money, came
to Loosma with a proposition.
Two weeks later, I
was in Washington,
selling space weapons.
I was real good at it.
See, I-I...
I just didn't want to
hit the skids again.
Loosma owned me.
He gave me a car,
this house that I live in.
Well, now we know why
Fastman was murdered.
Murder? What murder?
Barry Fastman. Didn't you know?
No.
We went to Fastman,
threatened to expose him.
I suppose he went to Loosma,
and Loosma decided that
was one risk he could eliminate.
He tried the same thing with us.
Well, he threatened
me, too, but I...
I didn't...
I don't know what I thought.
Well, it's easy now.
Sort of.
All you have to do is
get us into GroundStar,
and maybe we can
get the contracts
before Loosma realizes
he better burn them.
Oh, no, come on. You
guys gotta give me a break.
I already decided
to leave GroundStar.
I'm not gonna get
hung with a murder
and a child
pornography rap or any...
Why don't you give
me a break, Colonel?
You're not the first person on earth
ever to come home from something
thinking you were a hero, only to
find out you were on unemployment.
Let me tell you something.
If I had the choice between
coming home from the moon
and coming home from Vietnam,
I'd take the moon every time.
Now there were a few
hundred thousand guys
who went through a hell of
a lot more disappointment
and anonymity than you did.
And they didn't all just
give up and sell out.
What do you guys want me to do?
Always knew I
was officer material.
A well-kept military secret.
- Afternoon, sir.
- Afternoon, sir.
Let's keep a real
low profile here.
We're probably
committing high treason.
Nah, not yet.
- Afternoon, sir.
- Afternoon, sir.
Besides, it's attitude.
We're supposed to be
fighter jocks, you know?
High-tech swashbucklers.
Oh, that's great. Just remind
me to refuse the blindfold
when we're in front
of the firing squad.
Hello, Sarge.
The gate says you're
driving Colonel Ahern's jeep.
- Right.
- That's right.
- Who are you two?
- Bacon and Marlowe.
We're staying over at
Chris' place for a few days.
We'll see here.
Oh, yeah. Here we are.
I guess Ahern cleared you in
place of Hooper and James.
- Right.
- What happened to them?
They dug a hole with their F-18.
Drove it right into China
Lake yesterday afternoon.
I always did enjoy
lighting the candle.
Yeah, yeah.
- Good men.
- Excellent men.
What are you testing?
We're taking up the
big one in the morning.
What's the big one?
[laughs] What's the big
one? Come on, Sarge.
The big one?
The one the Joint
Chiefs are coming out for?
Yeah, you ought to police
the area around here, Sarge.
This isn't gonna
look good at all.
This is a good place
to start right there.
We're talking Tip
O'Neal here. Ed Meece.
Maybe even Nancy
from the White House.
We have an image to
uphold, you know what I mean?
- The First Lady
is coming here...
- The big one is the big one.
- Right, Sarge?
- The big one.
- You guys are gonna test fly
the invisible...
- Shh.
You didn't hear it from us.
I didn't think they were gonna
test that for at least two years.
Well, when Ronnie called up
and said he didn't want the
first pilots flying the invisible...
to be named Boris and
Yuri, how could we refuse?
We've had a blackout
in the clean room.
All the monitors are down.
We can't clear the area
without contamination.
All security is involved.
I want you to sweep
the sub-basement
for any non-critical personnel.
But, sir, I haven't
heard any alarms.
- I'm not authorized...
- You are now.
I just told you.
It's a blackout.
The entire security web is down.
I'll hold your post.
Come on. Move it, mister.
Yes, sir.
I can only guarantee
you guys five minutes.
- We may need more.
- Sorry.
That guard I just
sent on a snipe hunt
is gonna want to blow the whistle
unless I can talk him out of it.
You might not
even get your five.
Well.
Do your best.
Should've done
that a long time ago.
Let's hope Loosma thought
he didn't have very
much to worry about.
And he knows his alphabet.
"Move warheads to
neutron bombardment."
I guess they don't
keep the W-4s in there.
Hmm.
I didn't think we had
anything like this. Ew.
Ah-ha. Here we go.
"Ahern. Nymph Productions."
No, it's no bother at all.
I'm awfully glad you checked.
[Man] When I couldn't
confirm this with Colonel Ahern,
I thought you should know.
I'll handle this
for the Colonel.
I'm sorry for the show of force.
Colonel Ahern and I will
vouch for these men, gentlemen.
- You can return to your posts.
- But Mr. Loosma,
Colonel Ahern...
- Return to your posts.
- Yes, sir.
- We were just leaving.
- We'll just go
right along with them.
Certainly not
before your accident.
Wouldn't want to miss that.
[groans]
Oh.
[groans]
A.J.?
- Yeah.
- You all right?
No.
Glad to hear it.
Let me give you a hand.
I think we got ourselves
a situation here.
[groaning] Ooh.
Where are the contracts?
Loosma probably took 'em back.
Why don't we ask him?
[fan humming]
I have a feeling we're not
in Kansas anymore, Toto.
[beeping]
As soon as you're
red past 2,000,
go to maximum.
[beeping speeds up]
[beeping speeds up]
[alarm wailing]
[grunts]
All right! Come on in!
First person moves,
you got a dead boss.
It's over, Ed.
Call the police.
These men have proof
Loosma's been blackmailing me.
I'd like to see this evidence.
Well, I can't show it to you.
You probably shredded it by now.
The what do you plan
to show the police?
Say Leavenworth.
I owe you two my career.
- Thank you.
- Hey, that's all right. Come on in.
- Come on in.
- Well...
In fact, you've done
so much already,
I hate to ask you
for anything more.
- Hey, whatever you want. Just ask.
- It's all right.
This afternoon, Colonel
Ahern asked me to be there
when he burns the
prints and negatives.
But I was supposed
to take the kids
on a field trip to Balboa Park,
and, uh, since I can't
explain to the school
why I-I... [screaming]
Hey!
Put down the lampshade!
And you get off that chair!
- [screaming continues]
- Put the pie down.
Get off of the chair!
[whistles]
Are you guys really detectives?
You don't look like a detective.
You look like a gangster.
Are you sure you're
not an accountant?
- Hey, can we see your gun?
- [cheering]
- Will you shoot
somebody for us?
- [Children] Yeah!
Glad to. Give me that.
- A.J., no.
- [children shouting]
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
to a dirty movie.
[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon.
One of the girls from
Vampire Cheerleader
showed up today with
two private detectives.
Keep us out of it.
We'd like some information
on your next attraction.
A not-to-miss
cornucopia of passion.
Former astronaut
Christopher Ahern
produced porno
movies using minors.
Let's keep a real
low profile here.
We're probably
committing high treason.
Set it maximum.
♪♪ [theme music]
What is it we're going to
do again, Miss Donald?
It's called a field trip, Denny.
What is it we're going to feel?
No, not feel.
Field. A field trip.
We're going to a field?
No, no.
We're going to a museum.
The museum is in a field?
No, no. That's just
an expression, honey.
When we go out of the classroom,
they say that we're
going out in the field.
Looks like a street to me.
Why don't they
call it a street trip?
I'll bring that up at the next
teacher's conference, okay, Lilah?
Denny, come on.
Get away from there.
You don't want to...
Gee, Miss Donald, she
looks an awful lot like you.
Wow, is that really
you, Miss Donald?
To heck with the
museum. I want to see this.
[children] Yeah.
Catching up on
our Proust, are we?
Oh, this is great stuff.
It's the story of the
nymphomaniac owner
of a Hollywood boutique,
daughter of an escaped
Nazi war criminal,
who has left her a
haunted Mercedes
which may or may not
contain the soul of Adolf Hitler.
Terrific.
Someone published that?
Are you kidding me?
It's 13 weeks on the New
York Times bestseller list.
Why am I surprised?
Any messages?
No, not unless you count that.
Funway 20-megaton
nuclear peacekeeper?
Courtesy of the daycare center.
Damage reports
are still coming in.
Well, not to worry.
They may be ahead
of us in land-based toys.
We have a definite superiority
in air- and sea-based toys.
[knocks]
Oh, I like the silhouette.
Mr. Simon?
[both] Yes?
You probably don't remember me.
I'm Catherine Donald.
From the daycare center?
Oh, yes, the Terrible Twos.
Of course.
Just the person we want to see.
We would like to negotiate
a verifiable nuclear freeze
between your kids and us.
Nobody wants to
see this thing escalate.
I'm sorry.
I left Terrible Twos
several months ago.
Look, uh, I need your help.
I'm in very serious trouble.
What can we do for you?
I want to take you
to a dirty movie.
"Behind their pom-poms
beat the ravenous hearts
of demons lusting
to be set free."
Let me explain.
You see, 5 years ago,
I was working my way
through college as a waitress.
And then I lost my job.
I was down to my last $100,
so I answered an ad in the paper
and I did a nude
part in a movie.
Cathy, I know how
embarrassing this must be,
but after all, you
did take the money.
I took the money because I
thought I was in a campus comedy.
And the nudity was brief.
It was in silhouette.
In fact, they still needed 3 takes
because I was blushing so much.
But believe me, it wasn't
a hardcore sex film.
Well, it is now.
This place doesn't show
anything unless it's rated triple-X.
Or so I've heard, anyway.
Oh, that's what I was afraid of.
How can they do that?
Producer hires some doubles,
shoots the sex scenes
and then inserts
them into the movie.
And so it makes it look like
I'm the one doing
all the acrobatics.
I can't believe this
is happening to me.
I'm just about to
finish my internship.
The schoolboard is
meeting next week
to consider my application
for a full teacher's position.
Have you spoken to an attorney?
Yes. You see, I was only
17 when I made that film.
The producer knew it. He
just looked the other way.
I suppose I could
bring him up on charges
for exploiting a minor
if he goes ahead
with the film's release,
but I don't know
where to find him.
- "Produced by Howard Hunk."
- [phone rings]
Suppose that's his real name?
We could call all the
Hunks in the phone book.
[woman] Tell him
we're going to be
a little late for choir
practice, Harvey.
All right, Harvey. Okay, bye.
3?
Uh, no, no.
We'd like to see
the manager, please.
Vice Squad, right?
[A.J. & Rick] No.
Then I'm the manager.
Wha... You run the
Ecstasy Theater?
Fred Astaire pictures don't
sell tickets anymore, sonny.
What can I do for you?
We'd like some information
on your next attraction.
Vampire Cheerleaders?
A not-to-miss
cornucopia of passion.
On the Marge and
Harvey Holdecker scale,
10 being highest, this is a 9.
Harvey and I didn't
like the soundtrack.
The groans were out of synch.
Oh.
Uh, do you know this woman?
You're the one wearing
the football helmet.
The football helmet?
Why, Harvey couldn't
stop talking about you.
I know what you're doing.
You're on a publicity tour.
Uh, no. Not exactly.
See, we're trying to find
the producer of the film.
Howard Hunk?
Well, in the trade,
he's known as
Mr. Gross Receipts.
That's him.
But I've never met the man.
Most of those guys
keep a pretty low profile.
You might check
with the distributor,
Nightowl Films,
over on Third Street.
But I don't think
they'll tell you anything.
Well, thank you very much.
Excuse me, I was
hoping you might help me.
My name is Crumset,
Alfred J. Crumset,
and I'm the science teacher
at Belmont Junior High School.
Oh, yes, and wrestling.
We're a little
understaffed this semester.
Are you sure you're
in the right office?
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, absolutely.
You do distribute educational
films here, don't you?
Oh, well, I guess we do.
Among other things.
I'm trying to
contact the producer
of a truly wonderful film
that we had in class recently.
Some really remarkable
shots of amoebic cell division,
and a study of African fungi.
I'm sorry, I don't think
we have the African fungus one.
Well, you wouldn't
happen to recall
the name of that, would
you, by any chance?
- No.
- Well, that doesn't
really matter,
because I know I
would recognize it
if I saw it.
Could I perhaps take
a look at your roster
of films and their producers?
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's all confidential.
Oh, dear.
Who the hell is
responsible for this?
That's what I want to know.
Are you looking
for someone, sir?
If I'd have known they have a
whole fleet of bimbos in here...
I beg your pardon, sir.
That's no way to talk to
these fine young ladies.
You're one-celled
organisms. You're algae.
I don't really like that.
I've know some very
fine algae in my time.
Fine, I take that back. You
give plankton a bad name.
You take a nice,
clean-cut all-American kid
from West Bend, Rhode Island...
I mean, we're
talking glee club here.
Honor society. Hallway monitor.
And you degrade,
debase and exploit him.
Just who do you think you are?
I'm Ralph Kelly's
brother, that's who I am.
At least, that was his name
before you people
turned him into this.
You know him better
as Smoky Lane.
That's how you billed him in
your sex-o-rama dust mulch.
Now wait a minute, I don't...
How'd you do it? Drugs?
Hypnosis? Brainwashing?
Look, I think you've
got the wrong guy.
You people produce this filth...
[grunts incoherently]
We take a very
scientific approach
to wrestling at
Belmont Junior High.
[gurgles]
For example, do
you realize, sir,
that by applying a few
additional grams of pressure,
I could paralyze the entire
right side of your body?
Now why don't you
apologize to this nice lady?
[grunts]
No offense, ma'am.
It's just you reminded me
of somebody I once killed.
Uh.
Now let's get up, on our feet.
You can do it.
You can do it.
That's it.
Now let's be on our way.
We have an appointment
somewhere else, don't we?
That's it.
[grunts]
Ah.
Most unpleasant fellow.
Thank you. I thought that
guy was going to kill me.
Look, officially I can't show
you the roster of our clients.
But, um...
I'm going to be taking
my break, so, um...
If you happen to see
what you're looking for...
Very cute.
[Announcer] What
you have just seen
is an accurate scientific study,
endorsed by the
National Commission
to Investigate
Insatiable Phenomena.
Cooperstown, New York.
This one's going to make it
by word of mouth, gentlemen.
Word of mouth.
Thanks for coming by.
I'll be looking forward
for your orders.
Barry Fastman?
Alias Howard Hunk?
That's right. Can I help you?
Well, not us exactly,
but our client.
Vampire Cheerleaders.
All right, come on in.
Sit down. Make
yourself comfortable.
What a surprise.
That's what I've
been saying lately,
ever since I saw that poster.
Oh, you mean the changes.
Yeah, well...
You two gentlemen
must be lawyers, huh?
Private investigators,
but Ms. Donald is
represented by counsel.
Oh. Well, I really am
sympathetic, Ms. Donald,
but try to understand.
I had an unreleaseable picture
sitting on my shelf
for nearly 5 years.
Now people are willing
to spend money to see it.
I had no intention
of embarrassing you
or anybody else.
In fact, some of the
kids in the picture
have gone on to
become big X-rated stars.
That doesn't make
me feel any better.
Oh, of course not.
And that's why I'm
willing to offer you
some compensation
for your embarrassment.
Say, uh, $1,000?
Look, I just want to be
out of the film
and off the posters.
Well, that's not possible.
You see, the picture opens
in 50 states next week.
200 prints have
already been struck.
Tell you what,
I'll make it $2,000.
Mr. Fastman, you don't
seem to understand.
Our client was 17 years
old when she made the film.
She was underage.
By employing her,
you committed a felony.
You're absolutely right.
Cutting her out of the film is
the only decent thing to do.
I have some partners
I have to consult with.
You understand.
But I'm sure we'll
work everything out.
Meanwhile, give me 24 hours,
and I'll let you know then.
Mr. Fastman.
Don't try to leave town.
I'm too successful
for that, my friend.
Call me tomorrow.
[woman] GroundStar
Aerospace, Mr. Laughlin's office.
[Barry] Yes, my name is
Fastman. Barry Fastman.
I'd like to speak to
Mr. Laughlin, please.
May I tell him
what it's regarding?
Well, I'm sure
he'll remember me,
but if he doesn't, tell him
I'm a business associate
- of Colonel Ahern.
- Colonel Ahern?
Yes, that's right. Colonel
Christopher Ahern.
Just a minute.
[Laughlin] It's been
a long time, Fastman.
I don't want anything
more to do with you now.
You don't have any choice.
Unless you want to see the name
of your heroic Colonel Ahern
dragged through a scandal.
What are you talking about?
One of the girls from
Vampire Cheerleaders
showed up today with
two private detectives,
threatening to sue.
Keep us out of it.
I don't think so.
If she sues,
I'm taking down
the Colonel with me.
And when he goes down,
so does your corporate image.
It doesn't have to go that way.
I'm glad you agree.
But I'm just a guy who
knows how to make movies.
You guys know
how to play hardball.
[line disconnects]
Besides us and Fastman,
nobody else knows.
Am I right?
Just the Colonel.
What about this girl and
the two private detectives?
If Fastman didn't tell them,
there's no way
for them to find out.
It'll be all right, Ed.
It's going to be all right.
[man] Got a light, buddy?
[TV reporter] and in
1971, the Apollo moonwalk.
Astronaut, vocal proponent
of our national defense policy
and a consultant to
GroundStar Aerospace,
let's meet the man right now.
Colonel Christopher Ahern.
Morning.
You're more at home these days
in a Senate hearing room
than an Apollo capsule.
But you took the long way home
after being the last man
to walk on the moon, right?
Well, you could say
that I was one of the last.
People tend to remember
the first, or the last.
But in-between, there
was a dozen of us,
practically anonymous.
So you began drinking.
In a generally
destructive way, yes,
but fortunately, I managed
to pull out of the tailspin.
Let's talk about that.
Your present position...
You are the spokesman for
GroundStar Aerospace, correct?
That's right.
In 1971, you said,
"History shall judge the
military exploitation of space
the ultimate corruption
of what should have been
one of mankind's
noblest endeavors."
Now how do you reconcile
that with your present position,
which must, I imagine,
entail the selling
of military satellites and
weapons to the government?
Now those were
different times, Temple.
That was before
Afghanistan, before Poland.
- [door opens]
- Nothing new.
They're still putting it
down as senseless violence.
Rick keeps saying that it didn't
have anything to do with me.
Well, it didn't.
Look, even if it did, it
doesn't make any sense.
Why kill Barry Fastman
just to keep him from
editing you out of a movie?
A-ha.
"What," I hear you
cry, "have we here?"
- What have we here?
- Thought you'd never ask.
A flow chart of the late
Mr. Fastman's business holdings.
He seems to have
had more corporations
than Elizabeth
Taylor had husbands.
At the top here, we have
Fastman's net holding company,
appropriately entitled,
Fastman's Enterprises, Inc.,
of which he owned 100%.
Which, by the way, does not
own Vampire Cheerleaders.
Swell. They sold it off.
Yeah. Typical sleazy
business practice,
or he could have
laundered it through...
these in here.
He could have sold
all of it or part of it.
Who knows? Anyway,
he owned at least 51%
- of these corporations here,
which, in turn...
- Wait a minute.
You mean to tell me Fastman
had all these film companies?
Well, he had part of them,
but they're not
all film companies.
This one right here,
Hippodrome, LTD., of
the Grand Cayman Islands,
that makes those little
porcelain hula dancers
that Rick likes to collect.
- Who owns Vampire Cheerleaders?
- I don't know.
Look, it could take me
weeks to untangle all of this.
Look, it doesn't matter
now. The man's dead.
Maybe I can make a
career of those films.
Look, Cathy,
maybe Fastman's death does
have something to do with your film.
We won't know what until we
know who owns the film now.
When we find that out, we
can call the law down on them.
You said it would take weeks.
They'll be showing it by then.
Well, this is only
one way to go.
If it doesn't pan out,
we can check up with some
of the actors you worked with.
[TV announcer] One
last question, Colonel.
That sense of purpose
that you spoke of and lost,
have you found it again?
Uh, purpose?
Yeah. I... I... Yes,
I definitely have.
I'm... [clears throat]
I'm working to keep
America strong.
Colonel Christopher Ahern.
At GroundStar
Aerospace, I'm Temple Hill.
[chanting]
Gee, it's hard to tell.
Bob was never dressed
like this on the set.
He usually wasn't
dressed at all.
[Man] Cosmic. Cosmic
harmony to you all.
Do you have interest in
our group, my children,
or merely wish to
make a love offering?
Actually, we were
looking for Robert Davies.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Robert Davies was but a symbol,
imposed at birth
by a corrupt culture.
The symbology
has been discarded,
freeing the incarnate soul.
You got any idea where we
can find the incarnate soul?
It resides within us,
in love and harmony.
Unless, of course, you're from
those deprogramming people,
in which case you
can all go suck an egg.
Look, I'm an old friend...
Acquaintance of his,
and I really need his help.
Please, can you
help us find him?
I sense your need, sister.
He's but a short
distance from us,
physically speaking.
And should you have any
errant thoughts of kidnapping,
with enlightenment
comes a thorough familiarity
with deadly force. Om.
I am Kahana, he
who shed the mortal lie
that was Robert Davies.
How may I help you, sister?
Bob... I mean, Kahana...
Hi. I'm Cathy Donald.
We worked together
about five years ago.
On a film.
A film? Uh...
I am afraid I cannot
isolate that energy, sister.
Perhaps you have
the wrong entity.
Does the name
Vampire Cheerleaders
isolate any energy for you?
Not so loud, please.
I take it you do
recall the film?
Uh... that was part of...
a previous incarnation.
I have shed the
temptations of the flesh.
I have taken a vow of celibacy.
Look, Mr. Kauai... Kahana.
Yeah, whatever.
We don't give two hoots
about your sexual inclinations.
We're just trying to track down
Barry Fastman's
business partners.
Now did you have a
contract with his company?
No, no, no. It was all verbal.
He paid me from checks
from his personal account.
I don't know anyone who
would have had a contract.
Except maybe... maybe Frank.
Who?
Frank Demora, the
director. You could try him.
He's got a house
somewhere in La Jolla, I think.
I don't know.
Please, look, I
don't know any more.
Honest.
Will you just leave before
someone overhears?
What difference would that make?
Even if some of these people
did know about your past,
doesn't forgiveness kind
of come with the package?
Forgiveness, hell.
I made ten of those films.
As far as material
illusion goes, I am loaded.
If his Holy Oneness finds
out, he will bleed me dry.
Capiche?
Om.
[engine starts]
[engine starts]
This, of course, is
simply a variation
on the standard KH-11 design.
It's not very original,
but it's what the
Pentagon wants.
Now this is something we're
all very excited about, Chris.
It's an orbiting solar collector
in geosynchronous orbit.
It would gather solar radiation,
and convert the energy
into a tight-focused
laser beam back to a...
There's potentially unlimited
amounts of energy here.
I mean, my God, it could
supply 20% of the energy needs
for a city the
size of San Diego.
Uh, no, no, no,
Colonel. You see,
this is strictly a
defense application.
They won't give us a cent
for a domestic program.
[sighs] As I said, a
tight-focused laser
capable of impacting
enemy missiles
at a distance of several
thousand kilometers,
or of blinding
Russian spy satellites.
Damn it, Neil. You've
got something here
that can free us
from this ridiculous
dependence on fossil fuels,
unhobble us strategically
in the Middle East,
and you... you want to
use it as a space weapon.
The money's already allocated.
Besides, you may think
fossil fuels are ridiculous,
but there are an awful lot
of oil companies out there
- who don't agree.
- You never look past
your own noses, do you?
Just grab what you
can while you can,
and to hell with anything else.
You're awfully bloody
righteous for someone
who was lying in the
gutter before we found you.
We picked you up, Ahern.
We dried you out, we
made you a celebrity.
We bought you, Colonel.
You're bought and paid for.
The hell you did.
Easy, Chris.
Maintain the strain.
You don't need this
now. None of us do.
It can get messy.
Why don't you just get
with the program, you know?
Ed.
Ed, I was 24 and
as green as could be
the first time I saw you in
that rocket sled at Edwards.
And after I climbed
aboard, I threw up my guts.
You remember what happened?
You pushed me right back
aboard for another ride,
and I never had any trouble
with my stomach after that.
How about you, good buddy?
Colonel.
Go ahead.
Follow your conscience.
Tomorrow the New
York Times will come out
with a juicy Page 1 account
of how former astronaut
Christopher Ahern
produced porno
movies using minors.
I never knew about
that. I just needed money.
You just needed a drink.
All right, Neil. Go ahead.
Expose me.
And I won't be any good
at all for you in Washington.
True, Colonel. Absolutely true.
But just consider this...
All we lose as a
lobbyist, you lose a life.
Finish your damn slides.
[projector clicks]
Anyway, the plan
calls for six satellites...
[phone rings]
- three active...
- Loosma here.
Mr. Loosma, Ben.
Those two detectives are still
working on the Fastman connection.
Is our position in any jeopardy?
Possibly.
It shouldn't be. Okay.
No, no, no, you're too weird.
I'm looking for the
boy-next-door type.
Chains and whips time.
Nothing too way out. Number 16.
Excuse me. Mr. Demora?
Your office said we
could find you here.
- My name is A...
- I don't care
what your name is.
You gotta take a number
like everybody else.
- No, you don't understand. We're...
- Oh, you're special?
Yeah, yeah, I know.
You're all special.
Say, look, next time,
ditch the hat, cowboy.
This whole Mr. Macho
virility thing is a cliché.
It's history.
- Yeah, but look, Mr...
- Okay, okay, you're aggressive.
All right. I can't
fault you for that.
Besides, you do have a quality.
I need a preppy
look for a specialty bit.
You into rubber?
- I'm allergic.
- Oh, that's too bad.
You know, maybe
if we lose the hat...
Okay, let's see the merchandise.
- [growling]
- Demora, we are not actors.
Tell me something I
don't know already.
We're detectives.
Okay, let's take ten, everybody.
Look, I don't know
anything about any partners.
The only guy I ever
dealt with was Fastman,
and he was bad enough.
You had a contract.
Who was it with?
Oh, God, it's been five years.
Oh, yeah, I think it was Nymph.
Nymph Productions. That's right.
I remember their checks had this
little Greek thing printed on them.
Okay. Now did you
ever have any dealings
with, oh, the head of
their business affairs
- or their lawyer?
- Are you kidding?
For most of these guys,
"business affairs" is a
checkbook and a roll of stamps.
Now it seems to
me, with this outfit,
I had to sue before they came
across with my directing fee.
In fact, I think they had to go to a
bank to get out a loan to pay me.
You remember the
name of the bank?
Come on, it's been five years.
I think... I think it was
Golden West Bank.
That do you any good?
More than you know.
Thank you very much.
Okay, listen, if you ever change
your mind about being in the movies,
just let me know.
I'm like the Marines.
I'm always looking
for a few good men.
Uh, come on, kids,
let's get back to it here.
Well, for them to get the loan,
they'd either have to do a
lot of business at that bank...
- Or the bank
ran a credit check.
- Yeah, but either way,
they had to have collateral.
Hey, want some ice cream?
You know, one of those
little nut fudge cones
you used to like?
- You remembered.
- Sure, I remembered.
You used to dribble it all
down the front of your t-shirt.
- I did not.
- Sure, you did.
I'll bet Mom's even got
pictures and everything.
Hey, buddy, you want to pull
over and whip us up a triple dip?
I didn't. I distinctly remember.
You used to get marshmallows...
You okay?
Yeah. Thanks to a great
piece of American steel,
I'm just fine.
Boy, it's nice to know
you're getting close
to something, isn't it?
Yeah. It's these
little validations
that make the job worthwhile.
Uh, you want to call the cops?
And tell them what?
We were assaulted by
a rogue ice cream truck?
Yeah, assaulted by a
Bad Humor man wouldn't...
Yeah, you're right.
I think the last time
you and I went fishing,
we were at the Cape.
[laughing]
That's right.
Indian River. [laughs]
Yeah.
Indian River.
You want to...
Uh, no.
Look, about what I
said today, to you.
Forget it.
I don't think so.
I just stood there like a lump
and let Loosma rough you up.
Should have said something.
It's not your fight.
I know, but that's
a hell of a note.
It ought to be.
Who knows?
I mean, you got GroundStar
to offer me the job.
I took it.
[sighs]
I already knew the score.
At least I should have.
You know, I
remember that moment.
Precisely.
When I was standing on the moon.
And I looked up off the horizon,
and I was afraid.
Afraid nothing would ever be
that beautiful in my life again.
I'm tired of being afraid.
Eureka, Chapman, Sepulveda.
Okay?
Mr. Hadley?
Yes. Can I help you?
The Securities and
Banking Fraud Task Force.
- I didn't see that.
- Look, Hadley,
we can do this the hard
way or the easy way.
That's completely up to you.
I think you've made
some sort of mistake.
Why is it the last
dingo of the day
- always wants to do it
the hard way?
- I beg your pardon?
Look, maybe the guy's got a
family. You want to keep this OTR?
OTR?
Off the record, and
it's out of the question.
We're gonna do this
strictly by the book.
Okay, Mr. Hadley.
In 1978, your bank
authorized loans
to a Barry Fastman
of Nymph Productions.
Well, we're a very large bank.
I don't recall
every transaction...
Use your head,
Hadley. Think about it.
[shutter clicks]
Now we have reason to believe
that the loan officer in charge
of this particular transaction
was receiving, shall we say,
compensation for his
part in approving the loan.
- Kickbacks?
- He knows.
I know nothing of the sort.
I can't believe any
employee of this bank
would do such a thing.
This is absolutely outrageous.
What were your names again?
[telephone rings]
Hello?
It's Philip Hadley.
- Of course I still work
at the bank.
- [Rick laughing]
Yes.
They're right here.
Certainly.
An Inspector Escobar?
Ah, that'll be for me.
Yeah, Carlos.
Well, the guy seems
to be cooperating.
Over here, please.
Carlos, a complete review.
You know that's gonna require
closing down the bank for three weeks.
Well, I don't know whether
that's gonna be necessary.
Look, Carlos, why
don't I just call you back
when we know a
little bit more, okay?
Fine, fine.
Yeah. My love to Edith. Bye bye.
Where were we?
I was about to show you all the
records on the loan in question.
Yeah, I told you we wouldn't
have anything to worry about.
Carlos' timing was right on.
Well, Demora was
telling the truth.
$85,000 loan at 12 1/2%.
Wait, here we go.
Limited Partnership.
And principals are
Barry L. Fastman,
Richard K. Wells,
Lester T. Bolton,
Christopher J. Ahern.
Wait.
Ahern.
Why is that familiar?
Let's see.
Christopher Ahern.
Colonel, United
States Air Force, retired.
The astronaut, remember? He
was on one of the last Apollo flights.
Why would an astronaut
be making porno movies?
- Ahern?
- Yeah.
Rick and A.J. Simon. Can
we talk to you for a minute?
Well, I'm sort of
late for a meeting...
We'd like to ask
you a few questions
about your involvement
with Nymph Productions.
You guys from GroundStar?
Where?
No, sir, we're
private investigators.
We're working for a young lady
who was a lot younger
when she starred in your film.
I think maybe we
better talk about it.
I was drinking. Really drinking.
You know, not for
courage, but for oblivion.
I retired at half
pension, wasn't working,
divorced.
I was really primed for Fastman.
He promised me I
could double my money,
and I didn't really
care how he did it.
Underage porno?
Yeah.
He called it adult
entertainment ventures.
Even flew me to
Vegas to sign the deal.
I was so in the bag back then,
I don't even remember the hotel.
Maybe I never asked him,
but he never said it was porno.
And he sure never said he
was using 17-year-old girls.
When I found out, I should
have kicked his teeth in.
It's too late for that.
You can still help us
spare the girl, though.
If we can find out
who owns the film,
we can seize the prints.
That's easy enough.
Neil Loosma.
Who is?
My boss.
Chairman of the board
and chief executive officer
of GroundStar Aerospace.
[sighs]
Satellites and skin flicks.
Guess that's what
you call diversification.
An old friend of mine
from the Gemini days,
Ed Laughlin, he got
me into GroundStar,
and it looked like it
was a road back for me,
a forum for some of the
things I still believed in,
like the peaceful uses of space.
Wait a minute.
Aren't you the guy
who's always
chomping at Congress
for these monster laser
robots and killer satellites?
Loosma buy the contracts
to use them as a club?
Fastman needed money, came
to Loosma with a proposition.
Two weeks later, I
was in Washington,
selling space weapons.
I was real good at it.
See, I-I...
I just didn't want to
hit the skids again.
Loosma owned me.
He gave me a car,
this house that I live in.
Well, now we know why
Fastman was murdered.
Murder? What murder?
Barry Fastman. Didn't you know?
No.
We went to Fastman,
threatened to expose him.
I suppose he went to Loosma,
and Loosma decided that
was one risk he could eliminate.
He tried the same thing with us.
Well, he threatened
me, too, but I...
I didn't...
I don't know what I thought.
Well, it's easy now.
Sort of.
All you have to do is
get us into GroundStar,
and maybe we can
get the contracts
before Loosma realizes
he better burn them.
Oh, no, come on. You
guys gotta give me a break.
I already decided
to leave GroundStar.
I'm not gonna get
hung with a murder
and a child
pornography rap or any...
Why don't you give
me a break, Colonel?
You're not the first person on earth
ever to come home from something
thinking you were a hero, only to
find out you were on unemployment.
Let me tell you something.
If I had the choice between
coming home from the moon
and coming home from Vietnam,
I'd take the moon every time.
Now there were a few
hundred thousand guys
who went through a hell of
a lot more disappointment
and anonymity than you did.
And they didn't all just
give up and sell out.
What do you guys want me to do?
Always knew I
was officer material.
A well-kept military secret.
- Afternoon, sir.
- Afternoon, sir.
Let's keep a real
low profile here.
We're probably
committing high treason.
Nah, not yet.
- Afternoon, sir.
- Afternoon, sir.
Besides, it's attitude.
We're supposed to be
fighter jocks, you know?
High-tech swashbucklers.
Oh, that's great. Just remind
me to refuse the blindfold
when we're in front
of the firing squad.
Hello, Sarge.
The gate says you're
driving Colonel Ahern's jeep.
- Right.
- That's right.
- Who are you two?
- Bacon and Marlowe.
We're staying over at
Chris' place for a few days.
We'll see here.
Oh, yeah. Here we are.
I guess Ahern cleared you in
place of Hooper and James.
- Right.
- What happened to them?
They dug a hole with their F-18.
Drove it right into China
Lake yesterday afternoon.
I always did enjoy
lighting the candle.
Yeah, yeah.
- Good men.
- Excellent men.
What are you testing?
We're taking up the
big one in the morning.
What's the big one?
[laughs] What's the big
one? Come on, Sarge.
The big one?
The one the Joint
Chiefs are coming out for?
Yeah, you ought to police
the area around here, Sarge.
This isn't gonna
look good at all.
This is a good place
to start right there.
We're talking Tip
O'Neal here. Ed Meece.
Maybe even Nancy
from the White House.
We have an image to
uphold, you know what I mean?
- The First Lady
is coming here...
- The big one is the big one.
- Right, Sarge?
- The big one.
- You guys are gonna test fly
the invisible...
- Shh.
You didn't hear it from us.
I didn't think they were gonna
test that for at least two years.
Well, when Ronnie called up
and said he didn't want the
first pilots flying the invisible...
to be named Boris and
Yuri, how could we refuse?
We've had a blackout
in the clean room.
All the monitors are down.
We can't clear the area
without contamination.
All security is involved.
I want you to sweep
the sub-basement
for any non-critical personnel.
But, sir, I haven't
heard any alarms.
- I'm not authorized...
- You are now.
I just told you.
It's a blackout.
The entire security web is down.
I'll hold your post.
Come on. Move it, mister.
Yes, sir.
I can only guarantee
you guys five minutes.
- We may need more.
- Sorry.
That guard I just
sent on a snipe hunt
is gonna want to blow the whistle
unless I can talk him out of it.
You might not
even get your five.
Well.
Do your best.
Should've done
that a long time ago.
Let's hope Loosma thought
he didn't have very
much to worry about.
And he knows his alphabet.
"Move warheads to
neutron bombardment."
I guess they don't
keep the W-4s in there.
Hmm.
I didn't think we had
anything like this. Ew.
Ah-ha. Here we go.
"Ahern. Nymph Productions."
No, it's no bother at all.
I'm awfully glad you checked.
[Man] When I couldn't
confirm this with Colonel Ahern,
I thought you should know.
I'll handle this
for the Colonel.
I'm sorry for the show of force.
Colonel Ahern and I will
vouch for these men, gentlemen.
- You can return to your posts.
- But Mr. Loosma,
Colonel Ahern...
- Return to your posts.
- Yes, sir.
- We were just leaving.
- We'll just go
right along with them.
Certainly not
before your accident.
Wouldn't want to miss that.
[groans]
Oh.
[groans]
A.J.?
- Yeah.
- You all right?
No.
Glad to hear it.
Let me give you a hand.
I think we got ourselves
a situation here.
[groaning] Ooh.
Where are the contracts?
Loosma probably took 'em back.
Why don't we ask him?
[fan humming]
I have a feeling we're not
in Kansas anymore, Toto.
[beeping]
As soon as you're
red past 2,000,
go to maximum.
[beeping speeds up]
[beeping speeds up]
[alarm wailing]
[grunts]
All right! Come on in!
First person moves,
you got a dead boss.
It's over, Ed.
Call the police.
These men have proof
Loosma's been blackmailing me.
I'd like to see this evidence.
Well, I can't show it to you.
You probably shredded it by now.
The what do you plan
to show the police?
Say Leavenworth.
I owe you two my career.
- Thank you.
- Hey, that's all right. Come on in.
- Come on in.
- Well...
In fact, you've done
so much already,
I hate to ask you
for anything more.
- Hey, whatever you want. Just ask.
- It's all right.
This afternoon, Colonel
Ahern asked me to be there
when he burns the
prints and negatives.
But I was supposed
to take the kids
on a field trip to Balboa Park,
and, uh, since I can't
explain to the school
why I-I... [screaming]
Hey!
Put down the lampshade!
And you get off that chair!
- [screaming continues]
- Put the pie down.
Get off of the chair!
[whistles]
Are you guys really detectives?
You don't look like a detective.
You look like a gangster.
Are you sure you're
not an accountant?
- Hey, can we see your gun?
- [cheering]
- Will you shoot
somebody for us?
- [Children] Yeah!
Glad to. Give me that.
- A.J., no.
- [children shouting]
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA