Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 2, Episode 9 - Fowl Play - full transcript
A staff member of a pro football club asks the Simon Brothers to discreetly investigate who is threatening the life of his friend who plays for the team.
Your friend is 6'4",
weighs 240 pounds,
and you want us to protect him?
[Announcer] Next
on Simon & Simon...
This isn't a game,
it's a business.
I'm Ed Dundee, Sports Weekly.
[blows raspberry]
More tapping going on here
than in a Fred Astaire movie.
You're next.
- How many games did you throw?
- Two.
Most of these players are
big, but they're not too bright.
Can you swim?
Whoa!
Hello! Anybody out
there that can hear...
[gunshot]
♪♪ [theme]
[TV announcer] So, fans, we're
going right down to the wire again.
These California Pioneers
refuse to roll over and die.
But there's no tomorrow
for the Pioneers
if the Sharks beat them today.
This is just the kind of action
we've come to expect
with this new league.
And I've got to tell you,
they're giving the NFL
a run for their money.
Kenny Cunningham's
really got to hurry now.
He has got 3rd and
long at the 45-yard-line.
No timeouts, and
that clock is running.
22... set... hut one!
[cheering]
Oh! He's knocked
flat by Michaels.
The defensive end is
in there and eats him up.
He's sacked
Cunningham three times,
and he's kept him out of
the pocket all afternoon.
Joe Blake, assigned
to block on Michaels,
didn't touch him at all.
He is really giving Blake a
big headache this afternoon.
[Second announcer] Blake is a
great player, a sensational player.
[cheering]
[First announcer] The Pioneers
have got to move it now.
19 seconds remaining.
Cunningham can throw
down along the sidelines,
get the first down
and stop the clock,
or he can go for the bundle.
Set. Hut one.
Cunningham goes back.
Here comes Michaels.
Cunningham gets it
away. I don't believe it.
Bradley catches the ball.
He's down to the 20, the 15,
the 10, the 5. Touchdown!
Look at that Chicken. He's
fried with delight, I'll tell you.
Two weeks ago, the Pioneers
were headed for a losing season.
Now if they score
the extra point,
it's a rematch next week
against these same Florida Sharks
to decide who's
gonna go the playoffs.
[First announcer] Oh, wow,
what excitement we've got, fans.
I don't know if my heart
can take much more of this.
There's one thing: You're
seeing all the action on Free-TV.
No paying for it
like on the cable.
[calling signals]
[First announcer] There's
the snap. The ball is spotted.
The kick is up.
The kick is good.
The Pioneers win 21-20.
[First announcer] And
so this stellar performance
from the Pioneers today
keeps them alive
for another week.
But they can't
rest on their laurels
because next Sunday,
they're right back here
looking down the jaws of
these same Florida Sharks,
and that'll be for
all the marbles.
Pioneer quarterback
Kenny Cunningham
sure had his rattling
shoes on today.
A tired offensive
line led by Joe Blake
just couldn't keep those
hammerheads out of the backfield.
[cheering]
Hey, uh, don't forget to
turn out the lights, huh, Joe?
You got it.
Hey, man, where
were you today, huh?
Michaels made you look like some
rookie fresh out of Nowhere State.
It was just one of those days.
One of those days, huh?
Hey, I'll tell you what, Joe.
Next time, you hold him,
you clip him, you trip him.
Do whatever you have to,
but you keep him off of me!
[telephone rings]
Yeah. Uh, it's me.
Joe, that's not the way the
scoreboard was supposed to read.
Look, I can only do so much.
There's ten other guys
out there, you know?
I can't help it when
they get lucky.
Yeah, well, we pay
for results, not luck.
Now next Sunday, you deliver
or your whole
body's going on ice.
Hey, I don't give a
damn who you send out.
You're not getting
anymore out of me.
Well, maybe you ought
to think about it, hmm?
I mean, you're in it up to
your shoulder pads already.
You quit on us now, you're
gonna see how tough it is
to run interference
from a wheelchair.
[sighs]
Joe? Anything I can do?
Yeah. Sure.
Marry my ex-wife.
You been messing
with my missile frigate?
Your what?
The Herbert Hoover.
She won't fire anymore.
My God. How are you gonna
keep the canal safe for democracy?
Must be that little geek next
door really high on video games
jamming my signal.
I'm gonna kill him.
You'll have to get in
line behind his parents.
Besides, what do you expect
from a Montessori dropout?
Meanest sucker in the fleet
rendered useless by
a little yellow goblin.
They ought to make
Pac-Man a federal offense.
Been to the office yet?
No, I haven't had the
chance. Maneuvers.
Ah.
- You got my check?
- What check?
Paycheck. Today's
payday, remember?
I haven't had a chance
to write the checks yet.
Well, come on get with it!
I can't write the
checks till I pay the bills.
Well, then pay the bills.
I can't pay the bills
till you go by the office
and pick up the mail.
[children singing]
All right, you guys,
now Captain Kangaroo
is a very close,
personal friend of mine.
If you don't stop finger-painting
my door, I'm gonna tell on you!
[singing continues]
Creeps.
[clears throat]
- Mr. Simon?
- Uh-huh.
My name is Dowd.
Herbert T. Dowd.
Now let me get this
straight, Mr. Dowd.
Your friend is 6'4",
weighs 240 pounds,
and has been a professional
football player for the past 15 years?
All-Pro, eight seasons.
And you want us to protect him?
From what I hear he
makes "Mean Joe" Greene
look like the Tooth Fairy.
Oh, that's only on
the football field.
Actually, he's quite a nice
person once you get to know him.
Yes.
Uh, well, Mr. Dowd,
while we do provide
executive protection services,
I really feel that
in this instance
your needs might be
better met by a specialist.
A very large, possibly several,
very large, heavily
armed specialists.
A.J., I think maybe we better have
a meeting of the board of directors.
Oh. On the other hand,
the fact that it is unusual
does provide a challenge.
Yes, it does.
[sighs] There.
$2,000, one week's
work in advance.
Is that suitable?
Uh, that fits me just fine.
Of course, being
the older brother,
I'm somewhat
looser in my morals.
- Well, that's understandable.
- Yes, it is.
Now, gentlemen, as
soon as you find out
exactly who is
threatening Joe and why,
all I want you to
do is advise me.
I'll take the
necessary precautions.
Sounds simple enough.
We'll just move right
in there with him,
keep a 24-hour watch on him
until after the game
on Sunday, right?
Oh, no, no. That's impossible.
Why? Doesn't he
have an extra bed?
Well, gentlemen, I'm paying
a premium price for a reason.
You can't go near Joe
Blake or talk to him.
I mean, he must have no
idea you're on this case.
I'll make arrangements
for any access
you might want to have
the stadium or the team.
Uh, how are you able to do that?
I'm affiliated with the
Pioneers' organization.
Ah.
But please, make
no mistake about that.
I'm hiring you strictly
as a private individual.
I do not represent the team.
[whispering] Joe is to
have no idea I'm behind this.
Agreed?
- Agreed.
- Agreed.
[whispering] Uh, Mr. Dowd...
[regular voice] Uh...
how can we get
in touch with you?
You can't.
Ah.
Hey, come on. I
won't get you hurt.
All we gotta do is bird dog the Jolly
Green Giant for a couple of days.
And pray he doesn't find out.
I would hate to have him say "Ho
ho ho" to me and not be smiling.
Besides, if somebody's
leaning on him,
can you imagine
how big they must be?
Wasn't it Einstein who
said, "Size is relative?"
- Uh-huh.
- Or was that Mae West?
- Mae West.
- I think it was Mae West.
Who do you think's
leaning on him and why?
You think someone's
paying him to take a dive?
That's boxing.
A.J., stick to paddle tennis.
Nobody's gonna try
to fix a football game
by paying off a pulling guard.
A quarterback,
running back maybe,
but not a interior lineman.
It's probably something more normal
like, uh, dope or gambling debts.
Yeah.
Illegal forward pass
at someone's wife.
Yeah, something normal.
Yay team!
1, 2, 3, 4. Yay team!
Again. 1, 2, 3, 4. Yay team!
Hut one!
Yay team!
1, 2, 3, 4. Yay team!
Yay team!
Set. Hut one.
Looks like Cunningham's
a little off today.
Yeah, well, you would be, too,
if you got whacked
around like he did Sunday.
He'll be ready for
the game, though.
[chuckles] Are you kidding?
Already his agent's
making noises
about renegotiating
his contract.
I told him if he got us into the
playoffs, I'd be ready to listen.
Stan, you are
such a Santa Claus.
You still gotta get
by this Sunday.
This is the biggest game you've had
since you bought this bunch of Bozos.
Bunch of... Wait a minute.
That was was last year.
Don't talk that way
about my contenders.
Oh, you plan on
doing this every year?
I may open a cable
operation here in San Diego.
You wanna negotiate
the exclusive rights now?
I think I'll win first.
Hmm.
See? It's all blue skies
and bad jokes to them.
The owners care more
nowadays about hot dogs
than they do about
football players.
See that guy with him?
He's a big cable TV
guy from Salt Lake.
Hmph. There was a time
football was played on a field.
Now it's on some 19-inch screen.
I know what you mean.
Look, uh, getting back to
you for a moment, Mr. Otis.
Now, you're the guys that glues
them all back together every week.
Let's, uh... Let's
take a guy like...
Let's take Joe Blake.
How do you keep him going?
I mean, the word is he's
had problems all year.
Joe? He's had
problems for three years.
Well? And?
Joe keeps fooling everybody.
One thing you ought
to know about Joe:
Inside, he's a pussy cat.
Out there, he's a survivor.
Set. Hut.
Take over.
I, uh... I thought you
might want to know.
That magazine
reporter over there?
He's been sniffing
around about a dope story.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
He been asking about me?
No, not yet. Mostly Joe Blake.
Then he's in deep trouble.
Why? Is Joe into dope?
Well, if he is, nobody
will ever find out.
I've been running plays
behind him for about 13 years.
He barely says my name.
Ow.
- I gotta hand it
to you, Stan.
- Yeah?
Well, no one else
would be cocky enough
to throw a welcoming
party for the other team.
You ain't seen nothing.
You should have seen Donnelly's
face when he first got here.
He almost dropped
his bags overboard.
You mean you're
putting him up here?
He's gonna have a fine time.
See those two deckhands?
They're gonna show
him the engine room.
Take his mind right
off the big game.
[laughs]
Sorry. Your name's
not on the list.
What do you mean my
name's... Do you believe this?
Of course my
name's not on the list.
I have the surprise cake for
Mr. Tucker to give to Mr. Donnelly.
Show him the cake, Ralph.
See? With the shark
drowning in the whipped cream.
- All right. I'll check.
- No, don't check.
If you check, it
won't be a surprise.
Do you believe this?
[no audible dialogue]
Hi.
How you doing?
I'm doing... Uh... fine.
Are you a fullback?
Um... not quite, no.
A halfback.
Not really.
Do you, um, have
a favorite position?
Uh... I'm not sure yet.
Would you like to know mine?
See, most of these players,
they're big, but they're not too bright.
They come right out of college,
21, 22, can't
even read or write,
but they get a big
no-cut contract.
And they first thing you know,
some blonde's got
her finger up their nose
and her lawyer in
their pension plan.
That's what
happened to Joe Blake.
This is his fourth team.
His wife dumped him after two.
Hey, uh, why all these
questions about Joe?
Oh, I'm featuring
him in my article.
See, everybody else
writes about the glory boys,
but I wanna write about the...
the loneliness of
the pulling guard.
Is he here?
- Yeah, he's topside.
- Oh.
Hey, uh, who'd you
say you're with again?
Sports Weekly.
I don't read that one.
Oh, you should. Fine magazine.
Excuse me.
Uh-huh.
Okay, let's go. Oh.
Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Let's go, Rick.
Um, would you hold
this... and that thought?
Rick, our boy is upstairs.
Upstairs.
[Rick groans]
- Hi.
- Can you swim?
Oh, a little bit, yeah.
- Good.
- [laughs]
One more thing.
Tell my wife it didn't
work last time...
and it won't work now.
Oops. [laughs]
[clears throat]
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
Hey, hey, hey! Look at that!
[people laughing]
Well, it could have been worse.
At least there was
water down here.
Oh, shut up.
Do you have any idea if there's
somebody following your ex-husband?
Of course there's
somebody chasing Joe.
I hired him.
You did?
A clubfoot, like you.
I've been using him for years to
make sure that Joe pays his alimony.
Wouldn't sending out overdue
notices be a little cheaper?
Uh, would you happen
to know if this gentleman
is putting pressure on
Joe or making any threats?
No.
I gave up on that
a long time ago.
I mean, to tell you the truth,
they're probably
drinking buddies by now.
What kind of
trouble is Joe in now?
Well, we were kind of
hoping you could tell us.
Does he have a
problem with drugs?
No. He won't even touch aspirin.
Hmm.
How about gambling debts?
Dealings with loan sharks?
Business deals with the
wrong kind of businessmen?
The only problem that Joe
ever had was growing up.
He ran through our
marriage like a big fuzzy bear
walking into a campground.
At first, he looked
so cute and lovable.
In the off-season, he'd
hibernate in one long bad mood.
And then there were
the trades, the cities,
the different schools for Wendy.
Uh, I'm sorry. We didn't mean to
open up any old wounds or anything.
No, no, no. Don't get me wrong.
My daughter and I are much
better off without that big old bear.
But he sure could keep
you warm on a cold night.
Red, 46. Red, 46.
Ready, set.
Hut one. Hut two.
[whistle blows]
[cheering]
Hi.
I'm Ed Dundee, Sports Weekly.
I'd like to ask you
a few questions.
- [blows raspberry]
- Okay. Uh...
I was wondering if I could ask
you a few questions about, uh...
well, what it's like to be
a professional mascot,
um, players, how you
get along with them,
how they get along with you.
I see.
Well, maybe you can give
me a little more quotables.
[blows raspberry]
That certainly is quotable.
Yeah.
[blows raspberry]
Hold up.
Break!
46.
46.
Hut. Hut.
Hey!
[groans]
I warned you once!
I don't usually count past two.
All right, leave him alone.
You made your point.
We're clearing out.
[groans]
[groans]
- You all right?
- Yeah.
[no audible dialogue]
What?
Dowd said he was
affiliated with the team, right?
Right.
I haven't seen him around
here since we started.
Well, maybe he's got something
to do with the front office.
I've been to the front office.
How tall would you
say the Chicken is?
About 5'2", same as Dowd.
Let's have a little
chat with Mr. Chicken.
Uh-huh.
You weren't supposed to do this.
You're violating our agreement.
Damn right we are. I'm
giving you your money back.
Hold it. Minus
x-rays, doctor bills,
three, maybe
four loose fillings.
Oh, no, please, I need you.
Where were you
when we needed you?
Look, I'm sorry for any
trouble I caused you.
But see, I was only
trying to help a friend.
I don't blame you.
You can keep the money.
Look, why didn't
you just tell us
who you were to begin with?
Well, I... I couldn't drag
the Chicken into Joe's mess.
You don't understand, do you?
It's kinda complicated.
Mr. Dowd, you keep
talking about the Chicken
as if it were some other person.
Oh, but he is.
I mean, he always has
been since I first met him.
Have you ever thought of
stretching out on a couch
and talking this over with some
nice man who smokes a pipe?
I know this sounds crazy,
but see, until the
Chicken came into my life,
well, the only thing I'd ever
accomplished was on a auto assembly line.
What's wrong with
auto assembly lines?
Lots of nice people
work assembly line.
Oh, I didn't mean that.
Those people, they're
the Chicken's greatest fans.
See, he's really one of them.
I mean, like when he goes up and
he blows his nose on the referee's flag
of kicks dirt on his shoes.
Well, that's you, that's me.
We're all doing it.
Didn't you ever want to
do something like that?
- I don't now.
- Yeah, I guess so.
Well, I could never do
what the Chicken does.
The way he shows off
and stands up to people.
Well, that's why as soon
as I found those men
were threatening Joe's life,
I had to find you to
do something about it.
We need you.
Joe, me, the Chicken.
All right.
But from now on,
we're playing on our field
and by our rules.
Agreed?
Agreed.
Anything yet?
No, just Cunningham couldn't
scramble if his life depended in it.
Which it often does.
Oh, no, no, not with blocking.
I'm telling you.
Joe Blake could never
take money to throw a game.
Here you go. Coffee for you.
Beer for me.
Cola. Pass that over, A.J.
[barks]
Uh, Herb, you want
dark meat or light?
Oh. Sorry.
[A.J.] You know, there's a
whole pattern emerging here.
Okay, watch Joe Blake.
[Rick] Oh, come on!
No, there is. You
watch number 61.
Now, he missed his
block on the last play.
Let's see what happens here.
Simple drop-back
pass, plenty of protection.
Oh, wait a minute.
Hold it. Hold it.
That guy. Stop it, A.J.
Stop it.
All right, right there.
But... but that's the play
that won us the game.
Now look at that. The
guy didn't slip the block.
It looks like Joe lets him pass.
Bang. Lights out
for the quarterback.
I can't believe it.
Joe wouldn't do
a thing like that.
Besides, the league has
looked at all these films,
and they haven't said a word.
It's all very low-profile.
Joe keeps it very subtle.
No offensive lineman can hold
out a charging defense forever.
You make All-Pro if you
can slow him up a little bit.
Every coach will tell
you that quarterback
has got four seconds
to unload the ball.
You know, when I
first came on this team,
everybody treated
me like I was a... freak.
All except Joe.
Joe treated me kinda special.
You know, like, same
as the quarterback,
the kicker, same as everybody.
I guess that's what
so special about Joe.
I'm afraid the guy up
there's a little too special.
He's the only one who doesn't
act like he won the game.
I hate this kind of work.
You hate any kind of work.
[Woman] And do you
know what he said, Marge?
With me here on the
tenth floor of this high-rise...
Three floors too low.
And too crowded.
You ever see so
many bugs in your life?
It's incredible. Ma Bell
meets George Orwell.
Got FBI, IRS.
CIA.
More tapping going on here
than in a Fred Astaire movie.
Gin.
[telephone ringing]
I wonder what it's gonna be this
time. "No starch in the laundry."
- Hello.
- Hey, Joe.
Haven't heard from you lately.
Been doing any thinking?
My people wanna know if
you can come out and play.
I'm gonna play all right.
All the way to the Super Bowl.
Gee, I didn't know
they had one in heaven.
All right, all right, Joe,
you just have it your way.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Will you take a look out
your window at your car?
What about it?
Watch.
You're next.
[dial tone]
[Joe, on tape] What about it?
[Man] Watch.
[explosion]
[Man] You're next.
[dial tone]
[stops tape player]
Sounds like you guys
have a great relationship.
So? What do you
want? A confession?
No, an explanation.
You have a friend, Joe,
who's afraid that the sky
is about to fall in on you.
You guys don't understand.
This isn't a game,
it's a business.
These owners, they
buy and sell us like meat.
I'm gonna be 35 next month.
I've been butting
heads since I was eight.
That's 27 years of busted
bones and bad knees.
I've been pinned
together so much
that I set off the metal
detectors at the airport.
So tell me, where do I
go when they drop me?
A retirement home
for 35-year-olds?
Joe... how many
games did you throw?
Two. For 15 grand each.
The last game we won anyway.
You know who they are?
I don't know, and I
don't wanna know.
Two guys came up
to me after a game.
And that was it.
And they're willing to
spend that much money
just for a little extra edge?
It's a bigger edge
than you think.
Half the time, I'm
the only thing standing
between Cunningham
and certain death.
So why'd you decide not
to cooperate on Sunday?
I mean, it'd be that much
more easy money for you.
You're not gonna believe this,
but I wanna win that damn game.
All these years, and I've never
been on a winner until now.
Dumb, huh?
Not really. It's smart.
Probably the first
smart thing in a while.
Especially if you let
us turn all of this over
to the guys in
the blue uniforms.
The cops? No. No way.
I've got a little
girl and an ex-wife.
Now, I don't care about myself,
but these goons,
they don't fool around.
Man's got a point.
Joe's been talking
to delivery boys.
We take them out,
whoever's at the top
is just gonna hire somebody
else to do the dirty work for him.
Which means we have to
smoke out the guy at the top.
[Joe] But how?
Well, we put the
pressure on him.
Kind of like 4th and long and
nowhere to go but straight at us.
Do you have a telephone
number for your friend,
that guy who keeps calling you?
Sure.
Good.
He's about to meet your agents.
Does Number 13 stop here?
Who cares? You won't be
here long enough to find out.
But don't try anything.
Oh, you brought somebody, too?
- 60 grand.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's Fantasy Island, ace.
- [laughs]
Oh, no. You better
tell Joe to reconsider.
'Cause if he doesn't
play ball, he's dead.
Aw, come on. You
guys know football.
Joe's just trying
to renegotiate here.
It'll be worth it.
- Worth it? 60 grand?
- Yeah.
That's twice what
he got last time.
Oh, no. No, no. My
people will never go for that.
You just tell them
it's inflation, okay?
I'll tell you what. Just in
case you change your mind.
You put the money
in a briefcase.
When the bands leave
the field at halftime,
you take it to that seat.
Slide it under a red blanket.
If you need me for anything,
my number's right there, okay?
Okay.
[A.J.] Car checked
out as rented.
And they did it the usual way
with phony names
and stolen credit cards?
What else?
Yeah, but the flight they
took in from Detroit was real.
That much they couldn't fake.
Mm-hmm.
And you want me to
Telex these to Detroit
to see if they match
any mug shots.
- On government time?
- Would we do that?
And would you do one
other little thing for us?
Would you put a
trace on my phone?
- A trace?
- Just a little one.
Come on, A.J. I can get
in a lot of trouble for that.
I know, I know, but
look at it this way.
It's for football, for
hot dogs, for apple pie.
Motherhood. Besides, this
way, we'll owe you an even two.
Thank you, sweetie.
Two?
Big ones. Very big ones.
22.
Check and mate.
- What?
- Checkmate.
Oh.
Come on! I've never
beaten you before this easy.
I'm just nervous, I guess.
Pre-game jitters.
Yeah, me, too.
[telephone rings]
[turns tape recorder on]
Hello?
I got somebody who
wants to talk to you, Joe.
[telephone rings]
Hello?
Call just came
through. Start your trace.
Hello, Joe.
Just a word to let you know
how much we do not appreciate
the way you've handled this.
What about the money?
The money will be there.
Just make sure there's a
hole in that pocket tomorrow.
I want that quarterback on
his back more than his feet.
Otherwise, you'll be
on yours... permanently.
So will your agent.
[dial tone]
[turns off tape recorder]
Nice guy.
Really.
Okay, got it. Thank you.
Jen? How we doing?
Okay, A.J, it's a
marine telephone.
They're calling
from Pier 32, Slip 19.
Pier 32, Slip 19.
Oh, no.
[Rick] What?
That's Stan Tucker's yacht.
The owner of the Pioneers.
Thank you, Janet.
[doorbell rings]
- [groans]
- I'll get it.
- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you.
Joe's almost dressed.
He's a real bundle of
nerves on game day.
I wonder why.
- Mr. Dowd?
- Yes.
Hi. I'm Janet Fowler
from the D.A.'s office.
- Oh, how do you do?
- Uh, fine.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.
Hi. You get that stuff from
the guys from Motor City?
Certainly did. Hot and heavy.
Okay, A.J., one more
time from the top now.
Now as soon as they put the suitcase
with the money under the blanket...
We move in to watch,
but nothing else.
Right. And sooner or later,
Tucker's gotta go for it
when we don't pick it up.
- Who?
- Tucker?
Stan Tucker.
- Who else?
- [Janet scoffs]
Any one of a
couple dozen people.
No, wait a minute. Let's go
back to the beginning here, okay?
Okay, you remember your two
pin-up boys from Detroit, right?
Right.
Well, they're nothing
more than freelance muscle.
I mean, you can rent them by the
day or the week or the broken leg.
But they're working
for Stan Tucker.
Not necessarily.
They are staying
on Tucker's yacht...
with, okay, a couple
of Fortune 500 guys,
two or three movie stars...
Oh, there's a timer baron,
uh, three ladies who are
pros of a different persuasion.
Then that call could have
come from anybody on the yacht.
- No.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
But we still have the
money to use as bait.
That's right. We just don't
know who's gonna take the hook.
- So?
- So.
[Myron vocalizing]
- Hiya.
- Hi, Daddy.
- These tickets...
- Yeah.
- 50-yard-line.
- Yeah.
You guys didn't have to do this.
- Yeah, we did.
- Yes, we did.
[marching band playing]
[Man on P.A.] Ladies
and gentlemen,
let's show our appreciation
for the Pioneer marching band
under the direction
of Dr. William Usher.
A reminder: Playoff tickets go
on sale at 9 tomorrow morning
at the Pioneer ticket office
under the north stands.
This year's Pioneer
yearbook is now on sale...
We better tell Myron why he's
go the best seat in the house.
Only if you wanna give
him terminal indigestion.
- I'll take this aisle.
- I'll take this aisle.
Ah.
[Man on P.A.] Today's
attendance: 52,104.
The Pioneers'
organization thanks you.
Our San Diego Police Department
would like to remind all fans
to please stay off the field
at the conclusion of the game.
Your cooperation is appreciated.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
your California Pioneers.
Hmm.
Okay, so what do you say?
It's a 13-13 tie.
Brand-new ballgame.
What do you wanna do? Go
double or nothing the second half?
Not me. This game's
costing me enough already.
He'll throw in a draft choice.
A draft choice I don't need.
But the Chicken I could use.
You wanna trade for the Chicken?
No way, man. That Chicken puts more
people in the seats than the team does.
[chuckles]
[cheerleaders laugh]
60 grand.
Are you sure you wanna leave
this hanging out there on a bench?
Why, you think it's
gonna get lonely?
No, but I don't
wanna be in the hook
for the boys in New
York for this much.
Especially if they don't
get paid back on time.
Look, relax. I told you.
The man has a temporary
cash-flow problem, okay?
This time next week, he's gonna
have ten times that, twenty times that.
There. Come on.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Is this number 42? Is this 42?
Ah, forget it.
[TV announcer] There's
the snap from center.
It's kicked.
It looks good.
The referee says it is good.
At the end of three quarters,
ladies and gentlemen,
it's the Florida Sharks 16
and the California Pioneers 13.
Anybody go near the blanket yet?
Nobody's picked it up yet.
How come?
They'll pick it up.
Nobody's gonna leave
60 grand lying there.
[TV announcer] And now it's time
to separate the men from the boys.
The Pioneers are down 18-13.
There's only one timeout left,
and the scoreboard clock
shows less than
30 seconds to play.
He's got the snap.
He's called a trap play.
He hands the ball
off to fullback Warren.
Warren surprised the Sharks.
He's all the way up
to the 35, to the 40.
He's at midfield. He could
possible go all the way, fans.
He's down to the
40-yard-line of the Sharks.
And now he makes it all the way
to the 30 moving along the sideline.
He cuts back toward
the interior of the field.
He's down to the 20.
Go!
All right!
He's at the 10, at the 5
and brought down
at the 3-yard-line.
And the Pioneers
use their final timeout.
We're being set up.
Blake's made three
big blocks already.
Well, at least
we're still ahead.
For now.
Don't worry.
The first person who touches
that case catches a bullet.
Here it is, Wes.
The whole season is
on the line right now,
maybe the championship, too.
If the Pioneers score, they win.
If they don't, it's the Sharks
at Salt Lake City next week.
The man wants a
quarterback draw.
Joe, coming over to you.
On the first sound.
Ready? Break!
About four seconds left to play
in this dramatic contest,
ladies and gentlemen.
Hut!
[whistle blows]
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's a touchdown!
The Pioneers go to the playoffs!
- [whistles]
- [whistles]
[all cheering]
Way to go!
Well, sorry you had to lose,
but, hey on any
Sunday, huh, Frank?
- Only if you're the winner.
- And you?
What do you think of the closed-circuit
rights are worth, about a million?
Closer to two.
Yeah, well, maybe next
time, we'll lose, huh?
Ladies?
You sure you guys want me
to just leave it up there like that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Trust me, okay?
Here you go.
[sighs]
[sighs]
They gotta be out
there somewhere.
They'll pick it up.
Yeah. I mean, you know, they
gotta take it back to somebody, right?
- Right.
- Right.
[cocks gun]
That's far enough, Mr. Emory.
Come on, Emory. It's over.
[gunshots]
Come on, A.J., move!
- Hello?
- Hello?
Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello?
What do they have
phones for if the don't work?
They probably
forgot to pay the bill.
- Hello?
- Hello?
Hello?
Hello? Hell... Hell... Hello?
Hello? Anybody out
there who can hear,
call the police!
Tell them Rick Simon
and Andy J. Simon...
Whoa!
It seems they got the message.
Aah!
Rick!
That's enough!
I wasn't gonna hurt him.
Now you guys want me
to believe that none of this
had anything at all to do
with any of the football teams?
Afraid not.
But that doesn't make sense.
Oh, sure it does.
See, Carl Emory just
wanted the Pioneers to lose
so that when the
Sharks played Salt Lake,
they'd have to play the
game in Salt Lake City.
Where he owns all the
cable television rights.
And don't forget, a
playoff game like that
is worth a couple million
dollars in closed-circuit TV.
Well, maybe even more than that.
Remember, they charge
ten bucks a house extra.
Dummy! Oh, I forgot!
- Forgot what?
- To call my bookie.
I finally win a bet,
and I forget to collect.
[laughs]
Hello, Louie? This is Myron.
No, Louie, I definitely don't
wanna take it out in trade, no.
Yeah, I know Country
Blues is a good horse.
Four to one?
Okay, Louie, I'll tell you what.
Put half my winnings
on Country Blues.
No. Shh. Dad, no.
- What? Wjhy not?
- The phone.
The phone's still tapped.
[laughs]
Hello, Louie? Hello, Louie?
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
weighs 240 pounds,
and you want us to protect him?
[Announcer] Next
on Simon & Simon...
This isn't a game,
it's a business.
I'm Ed Dundee, Sports Weekly.
[blows raspberry]
More tapping going on here
than in a Fred Astaire movie.
You're next.
- How many games did you throw?
- Two.
Most of these players are
big, but they're not too bright.
Can you swim?
Whoa!
Hello! Anybody out
there that can hear...
[gunshot]
♪♪ [theme]
[TV announcer] So, fans, we're
going right down to the wire again.
These California Pioneers
refuse to roll over and die.
But there's no tomorrow
for the Pioneers
if the Sharks beat them today.
This is just the kind of action
we've come to expect
with this new league.
And I've got to tell you,
they're giving the NFL
a run for their money.
Kenny Cunningham's
really got to hurry now.
He has got 3rd and
long at the 45-yard-line.
No timeouts, and
that clock is running.
22... set... hut one!
[cheering]
Oh! He's knocked
flat by Michaels.
The defensive end is
in there and eats him up.
He's sacked
Cunningham three times,
and he's kept him out of
the pocket all afternoon.
Joe Blake, assigned
to block on Michaels,
didn't touch him at all.
He is really giving Blake a
big headache this afternoon.
[Second announcer] Blake is a
great player, a sensational player.
[cheering]
[First announcer] The Pioneers
have got to move it now.
19 seconds remaining.
Cunningham can throw
down along the sidelines,
get the first down
and stop the clock,
or he can go for the bundle.
Set. Hut one.
Cunningham goes back.
Here comes Michaels.
Cunningham gets it
away. I don't believe it.
Bradley catches the ball.
He's down to the 20, the 15,
the 10, the 5. Touchdown!
Look at that Chicken. He's
fried with delight, I'll tell you.
Two weeks ago, the Pioneers
were headed for a losing season.
Now if they score
the extra point,
it's a rematch next week
against these same Florida Sharks
to decide who's
gonna go the playoffs.
[First announcer] Oh, wow,
what excitement we've got, fans.
I don't know if my heart
can take much more of this.
There's one thing: You're
seeing all the action on Free-TV.
No paying for it
like on the cable.
[calling signals]
[First announcer] There's
the snap. The ball is spotted.
The kick is up.
The kick is good.
The Pioneers win 21-20.
[First announcer] And
so this stellar performance
from the Pioneers today
keeps them alive
for another week.
But they can't
rest on their laurels
because next Sunday,
they're right back here
looking down the jaws of
these same Florida Sharks,
and that'll be for
all the marbles.
Pioneer quarterback
Kenny Cunningham
sure had his rattling
shoes on today.
A tired offensive
line led by Joe Blake
just couldn't keep those
hammerheads out of the backfield.
[cheering]
Hey, uh, don't forget to
turn out the lights, huh, Joe?
You got it.
Hey, man, where
were you today, huh?
Michaels made you look like some
rookie fresh out of Nowhere State.
It was just one of those days.
One of those days, huh?
Hey, I'll tell you what, Joe.
Next time, you hold him,
you clip him, you trip him.
Do whatever you have to,
but you keep him off of me!
[telephone rings]
Yeah. Uh, it's me.
Joe, that's not the way the
scoreboard was supposed to read.
Look, I can only do so much.
There's ten other guys
out there, you know?
I can't help it when
they get lucky.
Yeah, well, we pay
for results, not luck.
Now next Sunday, you deliver
or your whole
body's going on ice.
Hey, I don't give a
damn who you send out.
You're not getting
anymore out of me.
Well, maybe you ought
to think about it, hmm?
I mean, you're in it up to
your shoulder pads already.
You quit on us now, you're
gonna see how tough it is
to run interference
from a wheelchair.
[sighs]
Joe? Anything I can do?
Yeah. Sure.
Marry my ex-wife.
You been messing
with my missile frigate?
Your what?
The Herbert Hoover.
She won't fire anymore.
My God. How are you gonna
keep the canal safe for democracy?
Must be that little geek next
door really high on video games
jamming my signal.
I'm gonna kill him.
You'll have to get in
line behind his parents.
Besides, what do you expect
from a Montessori dropout?
Meanest sucker in the fleet
rendered useless by
a little yellow goblin.
They ought to make
Pac-Man a federal offense.
Been to the office yet?
No, I haven't had the
chance. Maneuvers.
Ah.
- You got my check?
- What check?
Paycheck. Today's
payday, remember?
I haven't had a chance
to write the checks yet.
Well, come on get with it!
I can't write the
checks till I pay the bills.
Well, then pay the bills.
I can't pay the bills
till you go by the office
and pick up the mail.
[children singing]
All right, you guys,
now Captain Kangaroo
is a very close,
personal friend of mine.
If you don't stop finger-painting
my door, I'm gonna tell on you!
[singing continues]
Creeps.
[clears throat]
- Mr. Simon?
- Uh-huh.
My name is Dowd.
Herbert T. Dowd.
Now let me get this
straight, Mr. Dowd.
Your friend is 6'4",
weighs 240 pounds,
and has been a professional
football player for the past 15 years?
All-Pro, eight seasons.
And you want us to protect him?
From what I hear he
makes "Mean Joe" Greene
look like the Tooth Fairy.
Oh, that's only on
the football field.
Actually, he's quite a nice
person once you get to know him.
Yes.
Uh, well, Mr. Dowd,
while we do provide
executive protection services,
I really feel that
in this instance
your needs might be
better met by a specialist.
A very large, possibly several,
very large, heavily
armed specialists.
A.J., I think maybe we better have
a meeting of the board of directors.
Oh. On the other hand,
the fact that it is unusual
does provide a challenge.
Yes, it does.
[sighs] There.
$2,000, one week's
work in advance.
Is that suitable?
Uh, that fits me just fine.
Of course, being
the older brother,
I'm somewhat
looser in my morals.
- Well, that's understandable.
- Yes, it is.
Now, gentlemen, as
soon as you find out
exactly who is
threatening Joe and why,
all I want you to
do is advise me.
I'll take the
necessary precautions.
Sounds simple enough.
We'll just move right
in there with him,
keep a 24-hour watch on him
until after the game
on Sunday, right?
Oh, no, no. That's impossible.
Why? Doesn't he
have an extra bed?
Well, gentlemen, I'm paying
a premium price for a reason.
You can't go near Joe
Blake or talk to him.
I mean, he must have no
idea you're on this case.
I'll make arrangements
for any access
you might want to have
the stadium or the team.
Uh, how are you able to do that?
I'm affiliated with the
Pioneers' organization.
Ah.
But please, make
no mistake about that.
I'm hiring you strictly
as a private individual.
I do not represent the team.
[whispering] Joe is to
have no idea I'm behind this.
Agreed?
- Agreed.
- Agreed.
[whispering] Uh, Mr. Dowd...
[regular voice] Uh...
how can we get
in touch with you?
You can't.
Ah.
Hey, come on. I
won't get you hurt.
All we gotta do is bird dog the Jolly
Green Giant for a couple of days.
And pray he doesn't find out.
I would hate to have him say "Ho
ho ho" to me and not be smiling.
Besides, if somebody's
leaning on him,
can you imagine
how big they must be?
Wasn't it Einstein who
said, "Size is relative?"
- Uh-huh.
- Or was that Mae West?
- Mae West.
- I think it was Mae West.
Who do you think's
leaning on him and why?
You think someone's
paying him to take a dive?
That's boxing.
A.J., stick to paddle tennis.
Nobody's gonna try
to fix a football game
by paying off a pulling guard.
A quarterback,
running back maybe,
but not a interior lineman.
It's probably something more normal
like, uh, dope or gambling debts.
Yeah.
Illegal forward pass
at someone's wife.
Yeah, something normal.
Yay team!
1, 2, 3, 4. Yay team!
Again. 1, 2, 3, 4. Yay team!
Hut one!
Yay team!
1, 2, 3, 4. Yay team!
Yay team!
Set. Hut one.
Looks like Cunningham's
a little off today.
Yeah, well, you would be, too,
if you got whacked
around like he did Sunday.
He'll be ready for
the game, though.
[chuckles] Are you kidding?
Already his agent's
making noises
about renegotiating
his contract.
I told him if he got us into the
playoffs, I'd be ready to listen.
Stan, you are
such a Santa Claus.
You still gotta get
by this Sunday.
This is the biggest game you've had
since you bought this bunch of Bozos.
Bunch of... Wait a minute.
That was was last year.
Don't talk that way
about my contenders.
Oh, you plan on
doing this every year?
I may open a cable
operation here in San Diego.
You wanna negotiate
the exclusive rights now?
I think I'll win first.
Hmm.
See? It's all blue skies
and bad jokes to them.
The owners care more
nowadays about hot dogs
than they do about
football players.
See that guy with him?
He's a big cable TV
guy from Salt Lake.
Hmph. There was a time
football was played on a field.
Now it's on some 19-inch screen.
I know what you mean.
Look, uh, getting back to
you for a moment, Mr. Otis.
Now, you're the guys that glues
them all back together every week.
Let's, uh... Let's
take a guy like...
Let's take Joe Blake.
How do you keep him going?
I mean, the word is he's
had problems all year.
Joe? He's had
problems for three years.
Well? And?
Joe keeps fooling everybody.
One thing you ought
to know about Joe:
Inside, he's a pussy cat.
Out there, he's a survivor.
Set. Hut.
Take over.
I, uh... I thought you
might want to know.
That magazine
reporter over there?
He's been sniffing
around about a dope story.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
He been asking about me?
No, not yet. Mostly Joe Blake.
Then he's in deep trouble.
Why? Is Joe into dope?
Well, if he is, nobody
will ever find out.
I've been running plays
behind him for about 13 years.
He barely says my name.
Ow.
- I gotta hand it
to you, Stan.
- Yeah?
Well, no one else
would be cocky enough
to throw a welcoming
party for the other team.
You ain't seen nothing.
You should have seen Donnelly's
face when he first got here.
He almost dropped
his bags overboard.
You mean you're
putting him up here?
He's gonna have a fine time.
See those two deckhands?
They're gonna show
him the engine room.
Take his mind right
off the big game.
[laughs]
Sorry. Your name's
not on the list.
What do you mean my
name's... Do you believe this?
Of course my
name's not on the list.
I have the surprise cake for
Mr. Tucker to give to Mr. Donnelly.
Show him the cake, Ralph.
See? With the shark
drowning in the whipped cream.
- All right. I'll check.
- No, don't check.
If you check, it
won't be a surprise.
Do you believe this?
[no audible dialogue]
Hi.
How you doing?
I'm doing... Uh... fine.
Are you a fullback?
Um... not quite, no.
A halfback.
Not really.
Do you, um, have
a favorite position?
Uh... I'm not sure yet.
Would you like to know mine?
See, most of these players,
they're big, but they're not too bright.
They come right out of college,
21, 22, can't
even read or write,
but they get a big
no-cut contract.
And they first thing you know,
some blonde's got
her finger up their nose
and her lawyer in
their pension plan.
That's what
happened to Joe Blake.
This is his fourth team.
His wife dumped him after two.
Hey, uh, why all these
questions about Joe?
Oh, I'm featuring
him in my article.
See, everybody else
writes about the glory boys,
but I wanna write about the...
the loneliness of
the pulling guard.
Is he here?
- Yeah, he's topside.
- Oh.
Hey, uh, who'd you
say you're with again?
Sports Weekly.
I don't read that one.
Oh, you should. Fine magazine.
Excuse me.
Uh-huh.
Okay, let's go. Oh.
Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Let's go, Rick.
Um, would you hold
this... and that thought?
Rick, our boy is upstairs.
Upstairs.
[Rick groans]
- Hi.
- Can you swim?
Oh, a little bit, yeah.
- Good.
- [laughs]
One more thing.
Tell my wife it didn't
work last time...
and it won't work now.
Oops. [laughs]
[clears throat]
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
Hey, hey, hey! Look at that!
[people laughing]
Well, it could have been worse.
At least there was
water down here.
Oh, shut up.
Do you have any idea if there's
somebody following your ex-husband?
Of course there's
somebody chasing Joe.
I hired him.
You did?
A clubfoot, like you.
I've been using him for years to
make sure that Joe pays his alimony.
Wouldn't sending out overdue
notices be a little cheaper?
Uh, would you happen
to know if this gentleman
is putting pressure on
Joe or making any threats?
No.
I gave up on that
a long time ago.
I mean, to tell you the truth,
they're probably
drinking buddies by now.
What kind of
trouble is Joe in now?
Well, we were kind of
hoping you could tell us.
Does he have a
problem with drugs?
No. He won't even touch aspirin.
Hmm.
How about gambling debts?
Dealings with loan sharks?
Business deals with the
wrong kind of businessmen?
The only problem that Joe
ever had was growing up.
He ran through our
marriage like a big fuzzy bear
walking into a campground.
At first, he looked
so cute and lovable.
In the off-season, he'd
hibernate in one long bad mood.
And then there were
the trades, the cities,
the different schools for Wendy.
Uh, I'm sorry. We didn't mean to
open up any old wounds or anything.
No, no, no. Don't get me wrong.
My daughter and I are much
better off without that big old bear.
But he sure could keep
you warm on a cold night.
Red, 46. Red, 46.
Ready, set.
Hut one. Hut two.
[whistle blows]
[cheering]
Hi.
I'm Ed Dundee, Sports Weekly.
I'd like to ask you
a few questions.
- [blows raspberry]
- Okay. Uh...
I was wondering if I could ask
you a few questions about, uh...
well, what it's like to be
a professional mascot,
um, players, how you
get along with them,
how they get along with you.
I see.
Well, maybe you can give
me a little more quotables.
[blows raspberry]
That certainly is quotable.
Yeah.
[blows raspberry]
Hold up.
Break!
46.
46.
Hut. Hut.
Hey!
[groans]
I warned you once!
I don't usually count past two.
All right, leave him alone.
You made your point.
We're clearing out.
[groans]
[groans]
- You all right?
- Yeah.
[no audible dialogue]
What?
Dowd said he was
affiliated with the team, right?
Right.
I haven't seen him around
here since we started.
Well, maybe he's got something
to do with the front office.
I've been to the front office.
How tall would you
say the Chicken is?
About 5'2", same as Dowd.
Let's have a little
chat with Mr. Chicken.
Uh-huh.
You weren't supposed to do this.
You're violating our agreement.
Damn right we are. I'm
giving you your money back.
Hold it. Minus
x-rays, doctor bills,
three, maybe
four loose fillings.
Oh, no, please, I need you.
Where were you
when we needed you?
Look, I'm sorry for any
trouble I caused you.
But see, I was only
trying to help a friend.
I don't blame you.
You can keep the money.
Look, why didn't
you just tell us
who you were to begin with?
Well, I... I couldn't drag
the Chicken into Joe's mess.
You don't understand, do you?
It's kinda complicated.
Mr. Dowd, you keep
talking about the Chicken
as if it were some other person.
Oh, but he is.
I mean, he always has
been since I first met him.
Have you ever thought of
stretching out on a couch
and talking this over with some
nice man who smokes a pipe?
I know this sounds crazy,
but see, until the
Chicken came into my life,
well, the only thing I'd ever
accomplished was on a auto assembly line.
What's wrong with
auto assembly lines?
Lots of nice people
work assembly line.
Oh, I didn't mean that.
Those people, they're
the Chicken's greatest fans.
See, he's really one of them.
I mean, like when he goes up and
he blows his nose on the referee's flag
of kicks dirt on his shoes.
Well, that's you, that's me.
We're all doing it.
Didn't you ever want to
do something like that?
- I don't now.
- Yeah, I guess so.
Well, I could never do
what the Chicken does.
The way he shows off
and stands up to people.
Well, that's why as soon
as I found those men
were threatening Joe's life,
I had to find you to
do something about it.
We need you.
Joe, me, the Chicken.
All right.
But from now on,
we're playing on our field
and by our rules.
Agreed?
Agreed.
Anything yet?
No, just Cunningham couldn't
scramble if his life depended in it.
Which it often does.
Oh, no, no, not with blocking.
I'm telling you.
Joe Blake could never
take money to throw a game.
Here you go. Coffee for you.
Beer for me.
Cola. Pass that over, A.J.
[barks]
Uh, Herb, you want
dark meat or light?
Oh. Sorry.
[A.J.] You know, there's a
whole pattern emerging here.
Okay, watch Joe Blake.
[Rick] Oh, come on!
No, there is. You
watch number 61.
Now, he missed his
block on the last play.
Let's see what happens here.
Simple drop-back
pass, plenty of protection.
Oh, wait a minute.
Hold it. Hold it.
That guy. Stop it, A.J.
Stop it.
All right, right there.
But... but that's the play
that won us the game.
Now look at that. The
guy didn't slip the block.
It looks like Joe lets him pass.
Bang. Lights out
for the quarterback.
I can't believe it.
Joe wouldn't do
a thing like that.
Besides, the league has
looked at all these films,
and they haven't said a word.
It's all very low-profile.
Joe keeps it very subtle.
No offensive lineman can hold
out a charging defense forever.
You make All-Pro if you
can slow him up a little bit.
Every coach will tell
you that quarterback
has got four seconds
to unload the ball.
You know, when I
first came on this team,
everybody treated
me like I was a... freak.
All except Joe.
Joe treated me kinda special.
You know, like, same
as the quarterback,
the kicker, same as everybody.
I guess that's what
so special about Joe.
I'm afraid the guy up
there's a little too special.
He's the only one who doesn't
act like he won the game.
I hate this kind of work.
You hate any kind of work.
[Woman] And do you
know what he said, Marge?
With me here on the
tenth floor of this high-rise...
Three floors too low.
And too crowded.
You ever see so
many bugs in your life?
It's incredible. Ma Bell
meets George Orwell.
Got FBI, IRS.
CIA.
More tapping going on here
than in a Fred Astaire movie.
Gin.
[telephone ringing]
I wonder what it's gonna be this
time. "No starch in the laundry."
- Hello.
- Hey, Joe.
Haven't heard from you lately.
Been doing any thinking?
My people wanna know if
you can come out and play.
I'm gonna play all right.
All the way to the Super Bowl.
Gee, I didn't know
they had one in heaven.
All right, all right, Joe,
you just have it your way.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Will you take a look out
your window at your car?
What about it?
Watch.
You're next.
[dial tone]
[Joe, on tape] What about it?
[Man] Watch.
[explosion]
[Man] You're next.
[dial tone]
[stops tape player]
Sounds like you guys
have a great relationship.
So? What do you
want? A confession?
No, an explanation.
You have a friend, Joe,
who's afraid that the sky
is about to fall in on you.
You guys don't understand.
This isn't a game,
it's a business.
These owners, they
buy and sell us like meat.
I'm gonna be 35 next month.
I've been butting
heads since I was eight.
That's 27 years of busted
bones and bad knees.
I've been pinned
together so much
that I set off the metal
detectors at the airport.
So tell me, where do I
go when they drop me?
A retirement home
for 35-year-olds?
Joe... how many
games did you throw?
Two. For 15 grand each.
The last game we won anyway.
You know who they are?
I don't know, and I
don't wanna know.
Two guys came up
to me after a game.
And that was it.
And they're willing to
spend that much money
just for a little extra edge?
It's a bigger edge
than you think.
Half the time, I'm
the only thing standing
between Cunningham
and certain death.
So why'd you decide not
to cooperate on Sunday?
I mean, it'd be that much
more easy money for you.
You're not gonna believe this,
but I wanna win that damn game.
All these years, and I've never
been on a winner until now.
Dumb, huh?
Not really. It's smart.
Probably the first
smart thing in a while.
Especially if you let
us turn all of this over
to the guys in
the blue uniforms.
The cops? No. No way.
I've got a little
girl and an ex-wife.
Now, I don't care about myself,
but these goons,
they don't fool around.
Man's got a point.
Joe's been talking
to delivery boys.
We take them out,
whoever's at the top
is just gonna hire somebody
else to do the dirty work for him.
Which means we have to
smoke out the guy at the top.
[Joe] But how?
Well, we put the
pressure on him.
Kind of like 4th and long and
nowhere to go but straight at us.
Do you have a telephone
number for your friend,
that guy who keeps calling you?
Sure.
Good.
He's about to meet your agents.
Does Number 13 stop here?
Who cares? You won't be
here long enough to find out.
But don't try anything.
Oh, you brought somebody, too?
- 60 grand.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's Fantasy Island, ace.
- [laughs]
Oh, no. You better
tell Joe to reconsider.
'Cause if he doesn't
play ball, he's dead.
Aw, come on. You
guys know football.
Joe's just trying
to renegotiate here.
It'll be worth it.
- Worth it? 60 grand?
- Yeah.
That's twice what
he got last time.
Oh, no. No, no. My
people will never go for that.
You just tell them
it's inflation, okay?
I'll tell you what. Just in
case you change your mind.
You put the money
in a briefcase.
When the bands leave
the field at halftime,
you take it to that seat.
Slide it under a red blanket.
If you need me for anything,
my number's right there, okay?
Okay.
[A.J.] Car checked
out as rented.
And they did it the usual way
with phony names
and stolen credit cards?
What else?
Yeah, but the flight they
took in from Detroit was real.
That much they couldn't fake.
Mm-hmm.
And you want me to
Telex these to Detroit
to see if they match
any mug shots.
- On government time?
- Would we do that?
And would you do one
other little thing for us?
Would you put a
trace on my phone?
- A trace?
- Just a little one.
Come on, A.J. I can get
in a lot of trouble for that.
I know, I know, but
look at it this way.
It's for football, for
hot dogs, for apple pie.
Motherhood. Besides, this
way, we'll owe you an even two.
Thank you, sweetie.
Two?
Big ones. Very big ones.
22.
Check and mate.
- What?
- Checkmate.
Oh.
Come on! I've never
beaten you before this easy.
I'm just nervous, I guess.
Pre-game jitters.
Yeah, me, too.
[telephone rings]
[turns tape recorder on]
Hello?
I got somebody who
wants to talk to you, Joe.
[telephone rings]
Hello?
Call just came
through. Start your trace.
Hello, Joe.
Just a word to let you know
how much we do not appreciate
the way you've handled this.
What about the money?
The money will be there.
Just make sure there's a
hole in that pocket tomorrow.
I want that quarterback on
his back more than his feet.
Otherwise, you'll be
on yours... permanently.
So will your agent.
[dial tone]
[turns off tape recorder]
Nice guy.
Really.
Okay, got it. Thank you.
Jen? How we doing?
Okay, A.J, it's a
marine telephone.
They're calling
from Pier 32, Slip 19.
Pier 32, Slip 19.
Oh, no.
[Rick] What?
That's Stan Tucker's yacht.
The owner of the Pioneers.
Thank you, Janet.
[doorbell rings]
- [groans]
- I'll get it.
- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you.
Joe's almost dressed.
He's a real bundle of
nerves on game day.
I wonder why.
- Mr. Dowd?
- Yes.
Hi. I'm Janet Fowler
from the D.A.'s office.
- Oh, how do you do?
- Uh, fine.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.
Hi. You get that stuff from
the guys from Motor City?
Certainly did. Hot and heavy.
Okay, A.J., one more
time from the top now.
Now as soon as they put the suitcase
with the money under the blanket...
We move in to watch,
but nothing else.
Right. And sooner or later,
Tucker's gotta go for it
when we don't pick it up.
- Who?
- Tucker?
Stan Tucker.
- Who else?
- [Janet scoffs]
Any one of a
couple dozen people.
No, wait a minute. Let's go
back to the beginning here, okay?
Okay, you remember your two
pin-up boys from Detroit, right?
Right.
Well, they're nothing
more than freelance muscle.
I mean, you can rent them by the
day or the week or the broken leg.
But they're working
for Stan Tucker.
Not necessarily.
They are staying
on Tucker's yacht...
with, okay, a couple
of Fortune 500 guys,
two or three movie stars...
Oh, there's a timer baron,
uh, three ladies who are
pros of a different persuasion.
Then that call could have
come from anybody on the yacht.
- No.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
But we still have the
money to use as bait.
That's right. We just don't
know who's gonna take the hook.
- So?
- So.
[Myron vocalizing]
- Hiya.
- Hi, Daddy.
- These tickets...
- Yeah.
- 50-yard-line.
- Yeah.
You guys didn't have to do this.
- Yeah, we did.
- Yes, we did.
[marching band playing]
[Man on P.A.] Ladies
and gentlemen,
let's show our appreciation
for the Pioneer marching band
under the direction
of Dr. William Usher.
A reminder: Playoff tickets go
on sale at 9 tomorrow morning
at the Pioneer ticket office
under the north stands.
This year's Pioneer
yearbook is now on sale...
We better tell Myron why he's
go the best seat in the house.
Only if you wanna give
him terminal indigestion.
- I'll take this aisle.
- I'll take this aisle.
Ah.
[Man on P.A.] Today's
attendance: 52,104.
The Pioneers'
organization thanks you.
Our San Diego Police Department
would like to remind all fans
to please stay off the field
at the conclusion of the game.
Your cooperation is appreciated.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
your California Pioneers.
Hmm.
Okay, so what do you say?
It's a 13-13 tie.
Brand-new ballgame.
What do you wanna do? Go
double or nothing the second half?
Not me. This game's
costing me enough already.
He'll throw in a draft choice.
A draft choice I don't need.
But the Chicken I could use.
You wanna trade for the Chicken?
No way, man. That Chicken puts more
people in the seats than the team does.
[chuckles]
[cheerleaders laugh]
60 grand.
Are you sure you wanna leave
this hanging out there on a bench?
Why, you think it's
gonna get lonely?
No, but I don't
wanna be in the hook
for the boys in New
York for this much.
Especially if they don't
get paid back on time.
Look, relax. I told you.
The man has a temporary
cash-flow problem, okay?
This time next week, he's gonna
have ten times that, twenty times that.
There. Come on.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Is this number 42? Is this 42?
Ah, forget it.
[TV announcer] There's
the snap from center.
It's kicked.
It looks good.
The referee says it is good.
At the end of three quarters,
ladies and gentlemen,
it's the Florida Sharks 16
and the California Pioneers 13.
Anybody go near the blanket yet?
Nobody's picked it up yet.
How come?
They'll pick it up.
Nobody's gonna leave
60 grand lying there.
[TV announcer] And now it's time
to separate the men from the boys.
The Pioneers are down 18-13.
There's only one timeout left,
and the scoreboard clock
shows less than
30 seconds to play.
He's got the snap.
He's called a trap play.
He hands the ball
off to fullback Warren.
Warren surprised the Sharks.
He's all the way up
to the 35, to the 40.
He's at midfield. He could
possible go all the way, fans.
He's down to the
40-yard-line of the Sharks.
And now he makes it all the way
to the 30 moving along the sideline.
He cuts back toward
the interior of the field.
He's down to the 20.
Go!
All right!
He's at the 10, at the 5
and brought down
at the 3-yard-line.
And the Pioneers
use their final timeout.
We're being set up.
Blake's made three
big blocks already.
Well, at least
we're still ahead.
For now.
Don't worry.
The first person who touches
that case catches a bullet.
Here it is, Wes.
The whole season is
on the line right now,
maybe the championship, too.
If the Pioneers score, they win.
If they don't, it's the Sharks
at Salt Lake City next week.
The man wants a
quarterback draw.
Joe, coming over to you.
On the first sound.
Ready? Break!
About four seconds left to play
in this dramatic contest,
ladies and gentlemen.
Hut!
[whistle blows]
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's a touchdown!
The Pioneers go to the playoffs!
- [whistles]
- [whistles]
[all cheering]
Way to go!
Well, sorry you had to lose,
but, hey on any
Sunday, huh, Frank?
- Only if you're the winner.
- And you?
What do you think of the closed-circuit
rights are worth, about a million?
Closer to two.
Yeah, well, maybe next
time, we'll lose, huh?
Ladies?
You sure you guys want me
to just leave it up there like that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Trust me, okay?
Here you go.
[sighs]
[sighs]
They gotta be out
there somewhere.
They'll pick it up.
Yeah. I mean, you know, they
gotta take it back to somebody, right?
- Right.
- Right.
[cocks gun]
That's far enough, Mr. Emory.
Come on, Emory. It's over.
[gunshots]
Come on, A.J., move!
- Hello?
- Hello?
Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello?
What do they have
phones for if the don't work?
They probably
forgot to pay the bill.
- Hello?
- Hello?
Hello?
Hello? Hell... Hell... Hello?
Hello? Anybody out
there who can hear,
call the police!
Tell them Rick Simon
and Andy J. Simon...
Whoa!
It seems they got the message.
Aah!
Rick!
That's enough!
I wasn't gonna hurt him.
Now you guys want me
to believe that none of this
had anything at all to do
with any of the football teams?
Afraid not.
But that doesn't make sense.
Oh, sure it does.
See, Carl Emory just
wanted the Pioneers to lose
so that when the
Sharks played Salt Lake,
they'd have to play the
game in Salt Lake City.
Where he owns all the
cable television rights.
And don't forget, a
playoff game like that
is worth a couple million
dollars in closed-circuit TV.
Well, maybe even more than that.
Remember, they charge
ten bucks a house extra.
Dummy! Oh, I forgot!
- Forgot what?
- To call my bookie.
I finally win a bet,
and I forget to collect.
[laughs]
Hello, Louie? This is Myron.
No, Louie, I definitely don't
wanna take it out in trade, no.
Yeah, I know Country
Blues is a good horse.
Four to one?
Okay, Louie, I'll tell you what.
Put half my winnings
on Country Blues.
No. Shh. Dad, no.
- What? Wjhy not?
- The phone.
The phone's still tapped.
[laughs]
Hello, Louie? Hello, Louie?
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA