Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 2, Episode 6 - Rough Rider Rides Again - full transcript

An actor who played the character on a long running TV show has fallen on hard times and his only means of support is making appearances as his old character. But when a producer gets the rights to his character and is about to make a new movie with a different actor in the role, he bars the actor from appearing as his old character. When the actor goes to see the producer to be paid, the producer is killed. So A.J. and Rick are hired to help the man.

- Who rides for truth?
- Rough Rider!

Who rides for justice?

[both] The Rough Rider!

[Announcer] Tonight
on Simon & Simon...

Any moron would pay
$5.00 to see that twinkie...

Is it true you accepted $5,000

from Barnett on the
night of the murder?

Now, the answer to that
question's the only thing

standing between
you and the big swing.

Was there another body?

I want her found,
and I want her dead.

[tires screech]

I made a deal with the devil.

I put a price tag
on the Rough Rider.

♪♪ [theme]

[horse neighs]

Yeah, it ain't much
further, Betsy.

Let's go.

[truck honks]

[Man] Testing, testing.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Royal International
Studios wants to thank

each and every one of you
for coming out here today

and helping us to kick off

the most exciting
motion picture of the year.


And now,

I want to introduce you to
one of the true towering talents

of the entertainment industry.

A gentleman who's brought us all

so many thrills and
chills and great adventure,

with such legendary
classics of the silver screen

as Good Day for a Lynchin',

The Lonely Saddle, Death Posse.

I mean, I could go on all day.

Folks, standing over here

with his lovely,
lovely wife Shelby...

One of the real
legends of our industry,

and one of the few
really nice guys...

The producer responsible
for launching the return

of the Rough Rider,
Mr. Kern Barnett.


You got a
blockbuster here, Kern.

It's gonna be your
best picture ever.

That won't be difficult.

Ever seen Teenage
Mutants From Space?

And now, guys,
hold on to your hats,

and your wives,

'cause you're about to
see the exciting debut

- of an explosive new
talent, - [sirens approach]

Blane Kipe, the new Rough Rider.

[sirens arrive]


Now, let's get both
these guys up here.

How you doing, kid?

- Come on up, gentlemen.
- Yes, indeed.

[clapping continues]

Hi, thanks very much.

Folks, I'm a man of few words.

I let my pictures do
the talking for me.

But this kid, he's the future.

Now, this is a very
special day for me.

I had my first
success as a producer

on the original TV series of
The Rough Riders, Sage Rush.

Look, up on the hill!

- [crowd chatters]
- [horse neighing]

It's the Rough Rider!

[crowd mumbles]

Start rolling. This is gonna
be better than the movie.

[crowd cheers]

Howdy, folks. Howdy, kids.


Who rides for truth?

[all] Rough Rider!

And who rides for justice?

[kids] Rough Rider!

You see, Barnett?

They believe in the Rough
Rider. And they believe in me.

- You can't change that.
- Get the hell outta here, Buck.

[crowd cheers]

You fool.

How could you let
a washed-up relic

like Buck Yancey
make you look like

a yokel fresh off the
bus from Des Moines.

How the hell did I know that
yo-yo was gonna flip out like that?

I had a restraining
order on him.

Then why's he still
wearing the outfit?

He's blown our
whole credibility.

Any moron would pay
$5.00 to see that twinkie,

he ain't worried
about credibility.

Well, those morons
are gonna see you

with egg on your
face, tonight at 11.

I'm telling you, Kern,

if you can't handle
a loser like that,

I'm beginning to wonder
if you're really a winner.

Now you take care of
Yancey, and do it soon...

Or else you're going
to lose a lot more

than this stupid picture.


You want to watch
this stuff with me?

No thanks, darling. I'm
getting ready for bed.

Only a couple of reels.
I'll be up in a few minutes.


Return of the Rough Riders,
scene 10, take 28, mark.

[gun fires]


I'm looking for Simon
& Simon Investigation.

I was at the office, and the
young lady gave me this address.

The young lady? Oh, you mean
Kathy at the day care center?

I'm not sure. I found
her tied to a tree.

That's her, yes.

Hi, I'm A.J.

This is my brother Rick.

- Uh, Jonathan Evans.
- Hi, nice to meet you.

Why don't you come in? We were
just about to make some coffee.

Uh, have a seat.

Well, what can we do for you?

A pal of mine's in a
peck of trouble, up in L.A.

And I wanna hire you
fellas to help him out.

He was arrested and charged
with murder this morning.

I don't believe it.

You're Toby, the old prospector.

The Rough Rider's sidekick.

- Guilty as charged.
- Wow.

Hey, how do you do? [laughs]

Gosh, boy, we used to
eat a lot of playground dust

playing Rough Rider and Toby.

Boy, did we ever.

Big brother wouldn't let me,

but I always wanted
to be the Rough Rider.

- Hey.
- Funny, so did I.

[everyone laughs]


Well, it's really an
honor to have you here.

But, uh, I don't suppose

nostalgia's gonna
help your friend.

Who is it?

Well, you already know him.

It's Buck Yancey,
the Rough Rider.

Hollywood success
is like a wild bronc.

Once you're up there,
you gotta break it

before it throws you
out of the golden saddle.

Funny, that's the only
beast that Buck couldn't ride.

He lost it all, except the hat.

And Barnett was trying
to take that away from him.

You see, they was bringing
back the Rough Rider

in a new movie.

And Barnett was forcing
Buck to take off the hat

to make room for his new star.

Well, the only
income that Buck's got

is the personal
appearances with the rodeos

and the parades and
the shopping centers.

You take away the
hat, what's he got left?

Do you think he killed him?

He had enough reason to.

I haven't seen
Buck in a year or so.

And if you want
to know the truth,

well, the old
prospector and the rider

might have been blood brothers,

but Jonathan and
Buck was just two guys

alongside each other
working on an assembly line.

Well, okay maybe
there's more than that.

All I know is, Buck needs
somebody on his side.

Now, you do the best you can.

He deserves a fair shake.

- Okay. Great Scott.
- Hmm.

That's our year.

Well, maybe the Old Prospector

didn't find gold in
them there hills on TV,

but when the show
folded I got into real estate,

and you might say
that I struck it rich

in the hills after all.

Looks like it.

Hey, uh, good luck.

[both] Thank you.

Ah, they're nuts.

There's no way Buck
Yancey killed somebody.


I mean, we're talking
the Rough Rider here.

The tension is running high
in Superior Court number 6.

The irony... the Rough
Rider in the Hall of Justice.

Everyone here is
very anxiously waiting.

Oh, wait, here he comes. Buck!

Buck, is it true you
accepted $5,000

from Barnett on the
night of the murder?

- No comment.
- Were you drinking heavily
that night?

- No comment.
- Buck, don't you have
anything to say

to your thousands of
fans who believed in you?

- No comment.
- [woman] Excuse me.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

Maybe it's just 'cause he's
not up there in the saddle,

he looks taller on TV.

You sold the hat
for 5,000 bucks?

Oh, I tried fighting for it,

but Barnett's lawyers
got the courts to keep me

from wearing it in
public any longer.


Oh, it ain't right,
but that's the law.

Who rides for justice?

Some Beverly Hills lawyer.

Where did you go after you
left Barnett's house last night?

I don't remember.

What do you mean
you don't remember?

Well, come on, Buck.

We're not just
shooting a breeze, here.

The answer to that
question's the only thing

standing between
you and the big swing.

Maybe you oughtta
try and remember.

Won't do any good.

- [sighs] - Wait a minute.
I don't understand.

What are you saying?

You blanked out? What happened?

No, you boys don't
seem to understand.

You see, I like my bourbon.

I like it a lot.

Oh, man.

Don't you remember anything?


I remember going to Barnett's,
and picking up my money,

and then going out and
buying my first bottle.

- That's all.
- Well, you just keep reading,

Maybe there's something else.

All that bourbon couldn't wash out
the bad taste you had in your mouth

after you swallowed
your pride, could it?

It just made you sick at your
stomach for selling out the hat.

So, you went back
and you killed him.

You say you can't remember.
Maybe you don't want to remember.

Maybe you can't face
what you were then,

and what you are now.

Hey, boy, you haven't been

walking this earth long enough

for me to finish my story.

Now, it ain't about who I was.

It's about who I wanted to be,

and what I was trying to say.

Now, to kids like you,
none of that has changed.

If I was up there again, I'd
be riding that same old trail.

But, I had to survive.

I mean, that's the
game in this town.

Oh, yeah, there
are guys like Barnett

who can crown
you as a hero today,

and spit you out tomorrow.

You know, I was on the
packages of breakfast cereals

Now, that's all I can
afford to eat some days.

Yeah... Yeah, I took
Barnett's money.

So I could survive
a little bit longer.

But, I didn't kill him.

I had no reason to.

[exhales] Guard.


out here I might not remember
what happened last night.

But in here, there'll always
be Saturday morning.

We will all miss Kern Barnett,

a loveable giant
in the industry,

a man with a heart as big as the
silver screen he loved so much.

The man is gone,
but his art lives on.

Barnett, a pioneer

in the social consciousness
wave of the '40s.

Who an forget Dangling Boots,

his taut, gripping examination
of justice in the Old West?

Films like Pistol-Whipped,

Barnett's classic film-noir
crime melodramas

are studied in college
campuses across the nation.

The award-winning
Murder at Peyote Springs.

And who could
forget Nine Foul Men?

[sighs] I hate wearing black.

You look sensational in black.

Well, did you find the girl?

Not yet. Don't worry about it.

You have her phone number.

Can't you find a way to
get an address from it?

Yeah, things take time.

Damn it, Arnold!

That gives her more
time to go to the police

once she hears Yancey's
been charged with murder.

She's not going to the cops.

Chick's a hooker.
I picked her up.

She don't know who I
am, or where to find me.

I want to know why
she didn't show up

to pick up her bonus.

Don't know. Maybe
she's with another client.

Everything has been
letter perfect up to this,

but she's the only one who
can give Yancey an alibi.

I want her found today.

And I want her dead today.

[knocking at window]

Let's get this over with.

[Man] No wonder he got
that Utah location so cheap.

It was two miles
from ground zero

on an atom bomb test.

Nice guy, Kern Barnett.

Toby was right.

It's a wonder somebody
didn't murder him years ago.

[Woman] And afterwards,

we get up from the couch and
he tells me I don't get the part.

He should rot in hell.

I wouldn't miss
this for anything.

I just wanted to make
sure he was dead.

[Man] He crossed out
my name on the script

and he put on his.

[child] Yeah, he told
me my dog was run over

just to make me
cry for the camera.

Aw... It's no good
trying to find somebody

who wanted to kill
him. That's everybody.

All we need now is an alibi.

- Let's see if we can round up
some of Buck's friends.
- Mmm.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

The Rough Rider Rides Again.

Well, that's what being
accused of murder

will do for you in Hollywood.

This ain't on the tour of the
movie stars' homes, you know.

I... I know, I know.

But you looks like you would
make a wonderful guide to me.

Welcome to the
Rough Rider Suite.


Police have already been here.

They didn't find anything.

- Hey, Rick?
- Yeah?

"To Buck Yancey, a
great American hero...

- "Dwight D. Eisenhower."
- What?

Hey, what are you boys
looking for, anyhow?

An alibi for Buck

for the night of the murder.

Well, lots of luck.

Hey, I got a great idea for you.

- Try the drunk tank.
- Oh?

Yeah, he's a regular.

Only makes it back
here about half the time.

Or sometimes, he
sleeps on that bench

down at the bus stop.

From the White House
to the Drunk Tank.

Yeah, he was a
real big shot once.

Now, he's just shot.

Hey, I used to be in
pictures too, you know?


Uh, I need a list of
any of Buck's friends

that you can think of.

Oh, uh... [laughs]

His horse, that's all.

Well, of course
there's old Barney.

You know, down the
block at the map stand.

There's a real good
friend of Buck's,

especially when Buck
doesn't owe Barney any money.


You're not gonna believe this.


Hey, why don't you try it on?

On you, it'll look good!

Nobody wears this hat but Buck.

Marjorie Main's double.

In the long shots,
uh, mostly musicals.

I was a much better
dancer than Marjie.

I'm sure you were.
Uh... So anyway...

Oh, anyway, Buck
was here last night,

about 8 or 8:30,
Didn't stay too long.

He only came back to pay
me some money he owed me.

I run a sort of a bank.

Only for friends,
you understand.

Then he went on to
the Broken Saddles.

[Together] Broken Saddles?

Oh, that's a saloon
about three blocks east.

Oh, I remember.

He was supposed to come
back later and pick up this.

He left his Emmy Award here?


All the best banks have it.

Besides, it isn't worth a dime.

Thank you.

♪♪ [piano]

[music stops]


[chatter, music resume]

You boys lookin'
for a good time?


I can get you to
the front of the line

at the Carson Show.

That sounds lovely, but, uh,

actually, we're looking
for some information.

We're trying to establish
an alibi for Buck Yancey,

on the night of the murder.

Don't look like
no coppers to me.

Um, private eye.

I hate private eyes.

You replaced all the
Westerns on my TV.

I used to be in
pictures, you know.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

Buck was in here
last night. We all were.

Well, how long did he stay?

Mm, about two bottles.

But he was sharing them
with a high-class hooker.

What, he came in
here with a hooker?

No, she were already here.

She was as out of place

as a princess in
the cattle drive.

We don't often get ladies
of that kind around here.

But you're sure she
was on the meter.

Oh, she was a hooker all right.

Her pimp brought her in
here, set her up at the bar.

Guys were hitting
on her all night.

She's not interested.

Then old Buck comes in.

Buys her a drink.

Next thing you know,
they're getting real friendly.

Over there in the corner.

I saw 'em leave together.

Have you seen her since?

No, but her pimp's
been looking for her.

He's been in here a
couple times already.

Well, let's just stick around

and have a couple
of more drinks.

We don't like lawmen.

Don't pay him no never mind.

He never played anything

but a secondary
supporting gunslinger

and couldn't remember his lines.

Nobody could learn a
script as fast as I could.

Do you think you're
faster than me?

A little girl with pig-tails
that's cross-eyed

is faster than you.


They're gonna
tear the place apart.

Yeah, sure looks like fun.

Routine number 9!





All props.

Nobody gets hurt.
Everybody pulls their punches.

Thanks. I needed that.

- I'll have a beer.
- Yes, sir.

Better let me handle this.

Been here before.


I'm, uh, interested
in a good time.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I understand
you might be able

to introduce me to that
nice little blonde thing

that was in here last night?

Who's your friend over here,

dressed like the vice squad?

Who, him?


He's an optometrist
from Cleveland.

Come on, what do you say?

Good old blonde that
could open his eyes up?

You gon' be seein' her?



- You all right?
- I'm fine.

Okay, come on, stay
on your feet. Let's go.

- On my feet.
- Come on. Let's go.


[engine starts]

Why'd the guy take off?

Maybe he didn't think
it was a good idea

to hit me in the
head with a bottle.

Guess he didn't want anyone
coming around his blonde.

If he's a pimp,

that's a strange way of
drumming up business.

You mean to say I was
with some beautiful blonde

and I don't even remember?

That hardly seems fair.

Damn it, Buck, you were
with a beautiful blonde hooker.

She wasn't any hooker.

Oh, oh, I see.
That you remember.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

How can you be sure?

Because I didn't pay for it.

You positive?

Listen, no matter
how much I drank,

that I'd remember. I
remember that always.

Well then if the guy

at the Broken Saddle
wasn't her pimp...

He must be looking for her

just as hot and heavy as we are.

Say, do you boys mind
filling me in on this?

They used to call
it dry-gulching.

We're guessing that our
man paid this girl to, uh...

Keep you out of sight
while the murder took place.

- Oh, a setup, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Man's worst enemy... vanity.

I should have known
that that pretty little thing

wouldn't be interested
in an old hoot like me.

Set me up, hmm?

You know, my gut
kinda told me that

when that fella
called and told me

he was from the studio,

and he was gonna invite me

to that publicity thing.

Wha... Who?

Wait a minute,
somebody called you?

What was their name?

I guess I should
have asked, huh?

No, he said he
was from the studio,

and it had been a long
time since I heard from them.

I just didn't think to ask.

All right. Um...

Well, let's get
back to the blonde.

Now, she had to
have a last name.

Now, I've seen you, Buck.

Whenever you meet a lady,

you always call them Miss,

and this was Miss...
By dang, you're right.

Yeah, after a while,
her name was Miss Elsa.

Yeah, yeah, but, uh...

In the beginning, it was Miss...

Miss... Miss, uh...

Something German, like, uh...

Like one of the
classical music fellas.

Ah, Mozart.

- No.
- Uh, Beethoven.

- No.
- Welk.


- Brahms.
- Brahms, that... Brahms?

Well, I'm not so sure.

- Like Brahms.
- Yeah.

Okay, now, All right.
Where'd you take the girl?

I don't remember.

- Don't remember.
- Where'd you wake up?

By a pool, in a lounge chair.

The Orange Towers Apartment.


[car doors close]

[Rick] Well, there's no Brahms,

but there's an "E. Bach."

[A.J.] Could be Elsa. 302.

Not there.

[Man on phone] Yes?

Hi, it's me.

Who's me?

Oop, sorry. Wrong apartment.

[Woman] Hello?

Hi, it's me.

[door buzzes]

[tape rewinding]


[Woman on machine]
Elsa? This is Dottie.

Could you watch the
dog for me this weekend?

Call me later.


[Man on machine]
Hi, this is Domicile.

I'm in town at
the Wilshire Hotel.

I'd like to see
you if you're free.

Call me later.


This is Mr. Smith
from the other night.

- I have your bonus.
- Bingo.

Meet me at the
same place at noon.


[Woman] Elsa,
darling, where are you?

I've been looking everywhere.

I have something
for you tonight.

A dress for dinner.

And wear a lot of underwear.

Please call and confirm.

By the way, Rick
Stoff is in town,

and he may call.

Not acceptable anymore.

His American Express
card has been canceled.

- Tsk tsk tsk.
- [beep]

This is Mr. Smith again.

I have to talk to
you. Very important.

I'm waiting at the same place.

Mr. Smith sounds very nervous.

Wouldn't you be,

if the only person
who could identify you

in a murder case were missing?

You know, she's gonna
be in a lot of trouble

if he gets to her before we do.


What do you got?

[Rick] Raccoon Boutique.

[A.J.] Guess it
pays to advertise.

Tell you what.

You go buy something
nice for Mom.

I'm gonna find a
cozy spot outside

and see if she comes home.

See you later.

- I'll meet you back here.
- Right.

You have very good taste.

That's a Myerling
design, from Austria.

Oh, it's lovely.

That's only $25.

Well, actually, I was
hoping I could see Elsa.

- Is she around?
- No.

Does she know you?

Oh, yes. I'm Andy
Simon from San Diego.

We're old friends, if
you know what I mean?

Yes, well, I don't know
where she is right now.

But we have several other

lovely sales reps
that could help you.

No, I like Elsa's
personal taste.

Yes, she loves the
Myerling design, too.

Well, I expect her very soon.

She has clients for tonight.

Perhaps if you're free a
little later this afternoon.

- Yes, that'd be fine.
- Then I'll have her meet you

at the Beverly
Lounge, say, 3:30?


Um, how are you going
to pay for the scarf?

Cash or charge?


Fine. Well, let's see.

With tax, that'll be $175.

Thank you.

Well, maybe I
could call you later.



Miss Bach!


[Woman on phone] Who's there?

Hi, it's me.

Not this time, buddy.

Hello, Miss Bach? Miss
Bach, are you there?

Hello? Hello?

Hi, it's me.

[Woman on phone] Uncle Harry?

Yeah, yeah, it's me.

Open up, I brought
you a big present, Tiger.

[door buzzing]

[door buzzes]

[door buzzes]

The guy walked in on me.

What was I supposed to do?

All right, tie him
up and gag him.

I'll buzz you when I
get there with the limo.

And Arnold? For
God's sakes, stay cool.

I'll take care of everything.

Thank you.

- [phone ringing]
- Come on, let's
get out of here.

[phone rings]






[crowd chatter]

Who is that? Who is it?

My neighbor Elsa.

Was there anyone else?

Was there anyone else?
Was there another body?

No, no.

[engine starts]

[chanting] Free Buck! Free Buck!

Free Buck! Free Buck!

In a dramatic turn of
events this afternoon,

no doubt influenced by
the thousands of letters

and telegrams flooding
in from across the country,

an L.A. county judge
has reduced the bail

set for Buck Yancey,
the Rough Rider.

He is charged with the murder...

Oh wait, here he comes. Buck!

Buck, we're live here.

Uh, Buck, the rumor has
it that your bail was paid

by your old friend and former
psychic Jonathan Evans.

- Is it true?
- Mm-hmm.

And it's not the first time
Toby has saved the Rider.

Buck, can you tell us
how you feel right now?

Well, I tell ya, it
feels mighty good

that these people
still have faith

in not only the Rough Rider,

but Buck Yancey, too.

Now, if you excuse me,
there's something I gotta do.

Oh, can you tell us what it is?

I'm gonna change
my way of living.

[Shelby] Let it out.


I always knew I'd find
a use for that snake.

When it's over, we'll dump
him way out in the desert.

[brakes screeching]

- Hey, Barney.
- Hi, Buck.

Barney, you've
gotta do me a favor

for old times' sake.

You've gotta give
me another loan.

Aw, come on, Buck.

You know the rules.

You do this to me every time.

I'm tired of supplying
you bottles to hide in.

Not this time, honest.

I give you my word of honor.

I made a deal with the devil.

I put a price tag
on the Rough Rider.

Said I'd never
wear the hat again.

Barnett made me sign a contract,

gave me $5,000.

And you want to buy it back.

I can't sleep with
myself unless I do.

You see, but I'm
50 greenbacks shy.

50 bucks to beat the devil?

Mm, that's too good
a deal to pass up.

Let me get my old
money out here.

Okay, sweetheart. Here we go.

40... 45... 50, and 5
on me. Take a cab.

No, thanks. I got my
own transportation.

[laughs] Bye-bye, Buck!

Bye. Thanks, Barney.

Okay, everybody. Come on,

get your maps to
movie-ville town!



[hissing] [humming]

[brakes screeching]

[engine revving] [tires peeling]

[brakes screeching]

[engine stops]



Yeah, yeah. Sure.

[Woman] It's been half an hour.

Why don't you go
down and check on him?

[Arnold] Look,
let's not rush it.

I'm not so anxious to go
down to the cellar with a snake.



You know,

you're gonna make
him very nervous.

Are you all right?


- Did he bite you?
- Yeah.

Kinda. It's a little like

getting nipped by
a kitten, though.

Barnett must have had
its poison glands removed.

I've been lying here
playing possum.



[cocks gun] Let's go.



[Woman] I'll shoot! I mean it!

[Arnold] The snake bit me!

Need a little help here.

Is that the gun you
used to kill your husband?

And I'll kill you, too.

Hmm. Uh, you want to
take care of the errand boy?

Don't worry, there's no rush.

I blocked the driveway.

My kind of guy.

Do we wanna leave her
in here with the snake?

Let the snake
look out for himself.

[engine starts]

[brakes screech]

Well, he's not
gonna go anywhere,

but we probably
oughtta go round him up.

[Rick] Hey, it's Buck!

[A.J.] What's he doing here?

[Rick] I don't know,
but he got here

just in the nick of time.

[A.J.] Should we stop him?

Ah, let's leave one
for the Rough Rider.

Get him, Buck!





Who rides for justice?

[Together] The Rough Rider!


Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA