Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 2, Episode 4 - Art for Arthur's Sake - full transcript

- [alarm sounding] - [Announcer]
Tonight on Simon & Simon...

- Is this orangutan
a friend of yours?
- Barf, get him up.

Since I'm dressed, we got to
get out of here and find Rosalie.

- You just found her.
- Say what?

This is a police problem, and
the police ought to be handling it.

Julie is the official
custodian of Daddy's memory.

She would've married him if it
had been socially acceptable.

[Myron] He got a
nice tax write-off

when he donated it to
the museum, you know.

- He was dead.
- I think I know
who stole the painting.

Oh, no.

Please, man, don't drop me.

♪♪ [theme]

[softly] Daddy.

Hey, Daddy, can you hear me?

[doorbell rings]

[door opens]

[doorbell rings]

- How is he?
- He doesn't want to see you.

Well, I want to see him.

Don't you upset
him. I'm warning you.

Would you stop it?

[softly] Daddy?

Don't talk, Daddy.

Oh, let him do what he wants.

Rose... Julie...
We're here, Daddy.


Phone... Leo... Juries.

[clock chimes]

Not yet.

[phone rings]

Navy Museum. Stallard speaking.

Milk? Oh, yeah. I
forgot. Sorry, honey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. On my way home.

Low-fat or regular?

Yeah. Whole wheat or white?

Wait a minute.
I'll write a list.

[whispers] Hey.

Hey, what are you
guys doing here?

Hey, it's okay, man.

We got permission. See,
the admiral's a friend of ours.

[alarm sounding]

[alarm clock ringing]

Morning, Marlowe. How you doing?

[clicks tongue] Come on.

[Rick] How long
is that gonna take?

Mmm, about ten minutes.

You going to need any help?

With what?

Moving your boat. Remember?


Today is the day that you
promised to move your boat.

- I did?
- Uh-huh.

Why would I do that?

I'm on a waiting list at
the marina for a new slip.

- That could take years.
- No, it won't.

I called the marina
right up the coast.

There's a space
available right now.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Trailer's got a flat.
- Well, that's easy to fix.

Yeah, I know, but the
power wagon's down.

You know, the battery
from that's in the '57, so...

Well, what you do is you
take the battery out of the '57,

and you put it in
the power wagon,

and you jack up the
trailer, and you fix the flat.

Then you hitch the
trailer to the power wagon,

and you get your
boat out of my yard.

[phone ringing]


Yeah, of course I remember you.

How have you been?

Hey! You can forget about that.

We've got a job.


Simon & Simon Investigations.

Yes, sir.

Thank you much.

Wait a minute. That's what you
said being a private detective was.

So? I stole it from the Navy.

Navy? Wait a...
Hey, wait a minute.

Who's paying us? The
insurance company or the Navy?


Then who's paying us?

Oh, you probably
don't remember her.

Julie Arthur.

Oh, no!

Yes, I remember Julie Arthur,

especially the time she
called the cops on me.

What do you want? We broke
her window playing baseball.

It was the admiral's
window. What did she care?

She just never liked me.

Offering to buy back a stolen
painting from the people who stole it

is the same as rewarding a
criminal for committing a crime!

- You may be right, Lieutenant.
- I am right, sir.

Another thing, this is a police problem,
and the police ought to be handling it.

That portrait means more
than money, Lieutenant.

It's a tribute to the memory
of a man who was my friend...

A Navy man, a man that devoted
his life to the service of his country.

- Now, the insurance company
is willing...
- Julie?

To put up the
money to get it back.

- Hi.
- Nice to see you.

Thanks for coming so quickly.

Oh. You look lovely.

So do you.


Oh. You remember Rick?

I remember him.

Oh, gentlemen.

For the record, up front,

Lieutenant Bell and
the police department

don't approve of what
we're about to do here.

We don't, either,
but it usually works.

I understand that you gentlemen
have done this sort of thing before.

So, since Julie knows you,
the museum is quite willing

to let you handle the recovery.

We would like you, however,

to be as, uh,
discreet as possible.

Of course.

Lieutenant Bell is willing
to give you 24 hours.

Cutting it just a
little fine, isn't it?

Well, how long does this,
uh, sort of thing usually take?

A few days would be nice to
make contact with the thieves,

work out a few details.

hours is all you get.


Uh, where's he going?

I don't know.

[reporters talking at once]

Okay, listen up, folks.
We got a statement for you.

The Western Pacific
Insurance Company

has authorized a
payment of $100,000

for the return of the
painting within 24 hours.

There'll be no questions asked.

Anyone with any
further information

may contact the offices of
Simon & Simon Investigations

at 555-6470.

That's 555-6470. Excuse me.

What about the story?

Get a shot. Get them on the run.

- [all talking at once]
- Please. I'll answer
all your questions.

Is that your
definition of discreet?

No. It's my
definition of 24 hours.

[phone ringing]

[A.J.] Thank you for calling
Simon & Simon Investigations.

Our staff is not in the
office at the moment.

Yeah. Simon & Simon.

[sighs] I already
subscribe to the Tribune.

No, I don't know a friend

who would like to
subscribe to the Tribune.

You're welcome.

You don't subscribe
to the Tribune.

I subscribe to the Tribune.

Yeah, but I read yours.
What do you want, a quarter?

Remove your boat, then you
can have your own subscription.

I promised to move
my boat today.

You're the one
said we had to work!


[Man] Regarding the theft of
the priceless oil painting last night.

An offer was made
for its return today

at a press conference
by Richard Simon.

Hey, Rick, I just saw you on TV.

Look, there you go again.

You don't look that bad.

What do you want, Myron?

What makes you think I
always want something?

A.J., your brother
is such a cynic.

What do you want, Myron?

Nothing. Look, I was
just in the neighborhood.

Well, I thought I could help
you guys out on this case.

Well, thank you, Myron.

We appreciate it, but
we don't need any help.

Hey, listen, I could run down the
background on this painting thing,

find out everything
about Admiral Arthur.

Fellas, it's always good to know
every detail on a case like this.

All we got to do is just sit here
and wait for the phone to ring.

You mean you think the crooks

are going to pick up
the phone and call you

just because they saw you on TV?

- Yeah, we do.
- [laughs]

- Well, that's ridiculous.
- Yeah.

Look, in all my years
as a private detective

not once... never...
Did any criminal

ever pick up the phone
and make a date with me.

- Maybe it's his mouthwash.
- Could be.

You're a very funny man.

Well, I'll tell you what.

- I'll bet you 20 bucks.
- [phone ringing]

Yeah. Rick Simon.




We're going to wire you.

We're going to put
a directional radio

on your car and one
on the briefcase here.

No, you're not.

We made a deal. We're
not going to break it.

Okay, it's your show.

Wasn't that just
a little too easy?

[bell dings]

Hey, guys. What's going on?

- Hey, Lester.
- Hey.

I need to borrow
some of your tools.

- What happened? You guys broke it already?
- No, no.

We just need to
work a few bugs out.

Um, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go out
and get us a six-pack?

Sure. I can go for a
cold one. I'll be right back.

All right.

[bell dings]

[horn honking]

Hey, you!


Hey, you!

I haven't got all day.

Hey, fella, I'm talking to you.

Don't you understand English?

[speaking Spanish]

Nobody talks American anymore!

[Rick] Muchas gracias, señor.



Full service!

[breathing heavily]

If you think that's going to
change my mind, pal, you're all wet!

I'm writing your head office

and tell them how
rude and lazy you are!

[speaking Spanish]


- [alarm sounding]
- Go! Go!

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

- What's going on?
- Where is it?

- Where's what?
- You know what I mean!

No, I don't know what you mean!

- Where is it?
- Where's what?

What are you doing in there?

Uh, let me handle this.

Got to know how to
talk to these people.

Let's see the money.

What, do we look stupid?
Let's see the painting.

Painting's in the
back of the van.

You show us the money.

[chuckles] Forget it.


Show him the money.



[reporters talking at once]

Possibly. Possibly.

[Woman] Is there any connection
between the theft in Florida?

[Rick] Oh, no. I
don't think it's...

A.J., thank you. Thanks
a lot. I appreciate it.

Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen!

This is not Van Heinikin's
Death of a Brass Hind.

It's a copy! And not a
very good copy at that.

- [murmuring]
- I told you two.

- [Lieutenant Bell shouting]
- Oh, my God.

- You all right?
- I think I know...

- You what?
- I think I know
who stole the painting.

You what?

My sister Rosalie and
my father never got along.

And then one night,
they had this terrible fight,

and she told Daddy that she
was going to steal his painting.

From the museum?

No, it didn't go to the
museum until after Daddy died.

But it wasn't just that.

It was the way she
threatened to do it.

She said that she was
going to replace it with a copy,

so every time
Daddy looked at it,

he'd wonder whether
it was real or not.

- She really hated him.
- I remember her. She was a cute kid.

There was this one time when I
was in high school. I was out on a date.

Rosalie must've been, like, uh... I
don't know... 10 years old or something.

Anyway, she came up to
the car, and she said, "Hi,"

then told the girl I
had a social disease.

Do you have any idea
where we can find her?

Uh, no, I haven't seen
her since the funeral.

Some of her friends
say that she hangs out

at a night club named
after a rat or something.

A rat?

Chez, uh... Chez... Chez Vermin.

- That's it.
- Yeah. Still there.

Better go take a look at it.

Come on, A.J.

- I think you ought to go alone.
- Say what?

Well, Rosalie and
Julie still don't get along,

and Rosalie knows that
Julie and I used to be f-friends.

So if she sees me
with you, you know...

I'll tell you what, though,

I'll do some background
research on the case.

- Real good.
- It's boring.

It's not glamorous, like
going to a night club.

- Bye.
- Have a good time.


♪♪ [rock]

Hey, I'm looking for this girl.

Have you seen her around here?


Give me a beer.

It's a nice place.

And it's a pleasure to meet you.

Uh, uh, name's Simon.

Rick Simon.

I'm, uh, here looking
for a friend of mine.

Name's Rosalie. That's
her picture right there.

Have you seen her around?

Get out of here
before I sit on you.

Do you want to know about
The Death of the Brass Hind?

I would love to.

Well, it depicts a very
famous naval engagement.

- Does it?
- Uh-huh.

Nazis stole it
during World War II.

They did?

And my daddy searched
all over the world for it.



[Man] Bonsoir.

- Bonsoir.
- Bonsoir.

If I may suggest, monsieur,

we've just received a shipment
of Château Fontainebleau.


That sounds delicious.

- Mm-hmm.
- How would like it?

Medium rare?


Medium rare.

The Château Fontainebleau
is a wine, monsieur.

Yes, of course it
is. Um, how is it?

Medium dry.

I... Um, that sounds...
That sounds fine.

- Could we see a menu, please?
- Oui, monsieur.

Excuse me. Um...

Uh, guys, I'm
trying to find this...

Wow... particular
girl here in this, uh...

You still here?


Hey, wake up.

Come on. Wake up.


Who the hell are you?

I got ID right here in my...

In my hip pocket.

Why don't you tell
him to take his foot off?




There you go.

Hey, I know you.

Yeah. Hi.

Um, is this orangutan
a friend of yours?

Uh-huh. See, he thought
you were somebody else.

I got a couple of guys
been threatening me lately.

- [forced chuckle]
- Barf, get him up.

Do you want to come in?

It's late.

I know.

But you haven't seen
Daddy's study yet.

That's true.

It might be important.

It's where he kept the painting.

I think I definitely
should see it.


It's a very interesting room.

I, uh, haven't changed
a thing since he died.

It says a lot about your father.

Do you want to see
the rest of the house?

I'd like to see your room.

Um, I don't know
if I want you to.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Till after you've seen
the rest of the house.


I'm sorry.

That's okay. I'm into pain.

[chuckles] Maybe you
should get into punk rock.

No, I don't think I
could go that far.

Stupid lyrics, boring
beat, you can't dance to it.

Best I can do is give it a 27.

Why did you come looking for me?

- To ask you a question.
- What question?

Did you steal the painting

that your father donated
to the Naval Museum?

Little Miss Priss put
you up to that, didn't she?

- Mm-hmm.
- That creep.

That was ten years ago.

But you did threaten
to do it, didn't you?

I never really did get
along with my father.

It's not that I didn't love him.

I really did love him.

But, uh, he was
always so distant,

and... and he had Julie,

so I was always looking
for ways to get to him.

That's when I told him

I'd switch his precious
painting for a fake.

That got to him.

He hit me so hard
across the face

that I ran away, and I
never went home again.

I called up these guys who
made a habit of stealing things,

and I told them about it,
but nothing ever came of it.


All right?

Was one of them
a guy with short hair

and the other one
built kind of like

a walk-in safe with
a smooshed face?

- No. [chuckles]
- Oh.

Landers had long hair,
down to his shoulders,

and Bernard had an Afro.

That was ten years ago.

Then they are the guys.

Give that man a Kewpie doll.


You know, I didn't even know

the damn painting
had been stolen

until Landers called me up

and threatened to
smash in my face

if I let on who they were.

Which one is Landers?

He's the skinny, meaty one.

Want a beer?

It is considered polite

that when you're in
somebody else's house,

you ask before you
raid the refrigerator.

Ooh. Aren't we uptight.

- [forced chuckle]
- [mock chuckles]

What do you think
of my new hair?

As little as possible.

Change your mind about the beer?


[shower running]

Hey, Rick.

Save me some hot water, okay?


How'd you make out last
night? You have any luck?

I'll tell you,

since I'm dressed, we got to
get out of here and find Rosalie.

You just found her.


Oh. Hi.

♪ To him, love's a sport ♪

♪ A minor recreation ♪

♪ A girl in every port ♪

- ♪ A sexual vacation ♪
- Hello, hello! Anybody home?


- Where's A.J.?
- In the house.


You don't want to know.


- Hey, no, don't stop. I like it.
- Okay.

A.J.? A.J.!

Oh, there you are.

Listen, I got all that
info you wanted.

- I didn't want any info.
- Sure you did.

On the Van Heinikin
and Admiral Arthur.

Now, first of all,

the admiral searched all
over Europe for that painting.

It was, uh, sort of an
obsession with him, you know?

- I already know that, Myron.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Now, hold on, A.J.

Did you also know that it
became such an obsession

that he had special
security precautions

built right into his own
house to protect it?

I mean, the guy was a
real bug about burglaries.

And I think that's funny.

Now I'll tell you another
thing that's interesting.

He got a nice tax
write-off when he donated it

to the museum, you know?

- He was dead.
- Yeah.

And how about this?
Go ahead. Read it, read it.

His dying words were,
"Phone Leo Juries."

His daughter Julie told reporters
she had no idea who that was."

- Uh-huh.
- Hmm.

Tell Bernard it's Rosalie.


And tell him he's
in a lot of trouble.

If he doesn't want it to get
worse, he should give me a call.

I like your style.

Oh, I'll tell you what.

I was going to charge
you a C-note for everything,

but, uh, I'm going to
give you a discount.

75 bucks.

50. And I'll write you a
check when I get to the office.

When are you
getting to the office?

Later. We're waiting for the guys
who double-crossed us to call back.


- Is that another 20?
- No, no, no.

- I don't want
to take your money.
- Mmm.

I'll stop by later
for the check.

[phone ringing]

Yeah. Rick Simon. Uh-huh.

How you doing, sweetie?

That's not nice.

- Hey, we had a deal, man.
- Yeah, we did.

You double-crossed us. Now we
want to know where the real painting is.

Hey, come on, guys, huh?

You know how it is.
No hard feelings, right?


- We just figured
we'd give it a try, you know?
- We know.

You just forgot one thing.

We gave you $100,000,
and we want the real painting.

Where's the painting?

We're listening.

Landers will kill me if I t...

I'm going to kill you if you don't,
and my way will hurt a lot more.

[Bernard] Okay. Okay.

It was sold to a doctor

over at Ranchos los Robles.

What's the name?
Get to the name.

Courtney, Willis.
Willis Courtney

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.


Do you know what they say?

What goes around
comes around, right?

- [mutters]
- Right.


[vehicle approaching]

Yes, I thought so, too.

[doorbell ringing]

Allan, would you see
who that is, please?

It's the police.

What's the meaning of this?

- Are you Willis Courtney?
- Yes.

I have a warrant
for your arrest.

Arrest? You can't be
serious. What's the charge?

Receiving stolen property.

To wit... Van
Heinikin's painting

of The Death of the Brass Hind.

Why, that's the
most ridiculous thing

I've heard in all my life.

This Dali was stolen from
the Alexander Museum.

Picasso's Blue Hand from Vienna.

Man and Boy from Florida.

And this Chagall
was reported missing

from a private
collection in Canada.

Here it is.

- [reporters talking at once]
- Ladies and gentlemen, please.

All of your questions will be
answered at the proper time.

- Would you stand back, please?
- Could you estimate the value
of the painting?

It's invaluable, my
dear, yes. Now, please.

When will it be replaced?

As soon as we can get
it back in the museum.

First we have to answer all
the questions of the press.

[Woman] There really is
no estimated value on it?

[Danforth] I will be able to answer all
your questions in just a few moments.

- [reporters, Danforth continue]
- Don't say anything
for the time being.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What's wrong?

I don't want to see her.

Come on, Julie. If it
hadn't been for her,

we wouldn't have
gotten the painting back.

Don't you think you two have
carried this feud on long enough?

Ladies and gentlemen, we
have a statement to make.

The Naval Museum
is deeply indebted

to the firm of Simon
& Simon Investigations

for their diligence in finding and
returning this priceless work of art.

Thank you. To give
credit where credit is due,

we couldn't have done this without
the help of quite a few people.

First of all, Lieutenant Bell
here from the police department.

- Also, of course...
- Excuse me. I'm...

I'm sorry, but I must interrupt.

I have some bad news.
This painting is also a copy.

Oh, it's a very good
one, I must admit,

but it's a copy nonetheless.

[reporters talking at once]


[running footsteps]


[yells] Don't try it.

Come on, Landers. It's all over.


Please, man, don't drop me.

You picked a fine time
to play games with me.

I want to know where
the real painting is.

I don't know what you're
talking about. No, man!

Bernard told you where it was!

Bernard told me where
the fake painting was!

No, man. That's impossible.

The first one was the fake we were going
to replace the real one with, I swear!

The second one
was just a better fake!

I'm going to drop you, Landers!

No, come on,
man! I'm telling you!

It was the one we stole! It
was the one from the museum!

I'm not lying to you! I swear!


A.J., why don't you let him up?

I got an idea.

Well, do you think you
could give me a hand?

Oh, I can probably
do that, yeah.

Here you go, tough guy. Come on.

[police radio chatter]

I'll tell you what
I was thinking.

What if Admiral Arthur had
the second copy made himself?

He was paranoid about
getting that painting stolen.

Is that like people
who wear fake jewelry

and keep the real stuff
in safe deposit boxes?

Yeah, right. The painting was supposed
to go to the museum after he died,

but he was the only one who knew
where the real real painting was.

Then he had a stroke
and couldn't talk.

Yeah, but he had
something important to say.

- "Phone Leo Juries."
- Right. Exactly.

And since he told Rosalie
and Julie about this,

one or the other of them must
know who this Leo Juries guy is.

- Ah, but they don't.
- Maybe they just
don't think they do.

She's not welcome in this house.

Now, wait a minute. We're
not asking you to be friends.

We're not even asking you
to be polite to each other.

We just want to figure out what your
father was trying to say the night he died.

If you want to know
the truth, I think it

took a lot more for
Rosalie to come this far

than it's going to take for you
to open the door and let her in.

Well, we're not here
to play Family Feud.

We just want to see if you two
can jog each other's memories

and figure out who
Leo Juries is, or was.

I hired a private detective
to find him after Daddy died.

They couldn't turn up a trace.

I never heard of him.

Rosalie doesn't
remember a lot of men.

She was either too drunk or
stoned to remember their names.

That's right, sweetie.

[A.J.] Anybody else?

There was a man that
stayed with us for a while.

He was Vietnamese.

Chinese! Jee Chin.

Whatever! He and Daddy
used to go out drinking

and come home stumbling
in the middle of the night.

- That's a lie!
- It is not!

You only remember what you
want to remember about him!

You see, Julie is the official
custodian of Daddy's memory,

just like she was his official
companion before he died.

She would've married him if it
had been socially acceptable.


- I don't want to watch this.
- Maybe we could sell tickets.

You can't stop, can you?

You had to torment
him when he was alive,

and you keep doing
it now that he's dead.

He was a pretty poor
excuse for a father.

[Julie] And you're a pretty
poor excuse for a daughter.

[Rosalie] I never claimed to be the world's
most perfect daughter, unlike yourself.



Real nice, if it's that easy.

Oh, well.

That's the way it
was when he died.

Julie kept everything
exactly the same.

I wonder.

[clicks tongue]

I'm sorry.

That was a lousy
thing for me to say.

You know, there's nothing
wrong with loving your father.

I was always jealous of
how close you two were.

Oh, Rosie.

Did you think that I wanted

to spend all my time
taking care of him

while you were out
there living your own life?

I thought you liked
taking care of Daddy.

I would've helped, you
know, if you'd asked.

Well, I hate to break
up all this frivolity,

but I think we might be
on to something in here.

Your father had this room
specially built, didn't he?

He sure did. Every inch.

It's funny. It looked larger
to me when I was a kid.

I guess I was just smaller.

What did you find out?

Well, we think we know what
your father was trying to say

when he said,
"Phone Leo Juries."

See, "Leo Juries" is an anagram

for "Rose" and "Julie,"

the two people
he loved the most.

See, what your dad
wanted you to do

was walk over to the phone

and spell "Leo Juries."

L-E-O... J-U-R-I-E-S.


- [Rosalie gasps] Wow!
- [Rick] The painting.


That's fantastic!
Can you believe it?


Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA