Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 1, Episode 4 - A Recipe for Disaster - full transcript
Child stealing is
a police matter.
No, no police.
Hi-yo, Silver, away!
Maybe she'd be more
comfortable in the trunk.
These are human
lives we're playing with!
A lot of people
are going to die.
Battle stations.
Oh, boy.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
If it takes three bodies on the side
of the road, I want the rock back.
One blast and the whole field
could go up and the town along with it.
Are we sitting right
on top of this thing?
(KIDS CHATTERING)
What's your
favorite part, Daddy?
Mine's when they wiped out the
Death Colony with the poison crystals.
Remember they all
started turning green?
Daddy? Huh?
What's the matter? You liked
Space Warp the first time we saw it.
You said you liked it
even more the second time.
Well, honey, I was
looking for a phone booth
I have to make one call
before we go in, okay?
Another one?
We'll miss the princess
escaping from the Planet Tarkon.
Oh, no, we won't. I tell you
what, you hold our place in line
and I'll be back in a
micro light second.
Before my dad goes away again,
I'm gonna get him to
buy me a Kronon Warrior.
You know, the one
with all the darts?
I got Slime Beast
for my birthday.
His head and tail comes off,
and you can take him in the tub.
I've driven 500 miles to talk to
you, we've been friends for 15 years,
and you won't even
see me face to face?
Because these are human
lives we're playing with!
A lot of people
are going to die.
I don't care how much
money is at stake!
Well, you can't do it
without me, you know that.
Well, then I'll make
the decision for you.
You bet I'm threatening you.
(ON ANSWERING MACHINE)
This is Dennis Wilkie with First Fidelity
calling for Richard Simon,
This is in reference
to a car payment,
It's the third time We called.
And I'm afraid if I
don't get a response,
("m gonna have to turn this matter
over to our collection department.
(BEEPS)
Hi, it's Donna from
Leather World for A, J,
Your suede jacket came in today,
I'll be here till 9:00 a" week.
Whatever it is, it's going back.
It can't. It can't. No,
see, I got this on sale.
And you're never ever gonna be able
to buy a VSA this cheap again, not ever.
$300... You paid $300 for a VSA?
Don't worry about it.
I'm paying for it on time.
Your time, not mine.
I do not need a VSA.
(BEEPING)
What is a VSA?
"Sentry Voice Stress Analyzer.
"Electronically processes speech from
any source, live, recorded or telephone.
"Monitors emotional
stress levels." What?
(WOMAN TALKING OVER
ANSWERING MACHINE)
Yeah, lets you know whether
people are lying or not.
Rick, our bank account
is in Death Valley.
You are now ordering
up the vultures.
If you want toys,
you call Santa Claus.
Keep going. Let's see
where she'll top end.
We still haven't paid off your night
vision glasses from last week! Rick!
Beautiful!
(EXCLAIMS)
WOMAN: It's very important
and I can't go to the police.
I don't want anything to
happen to my daughter.
It's 3:00 right now.
Could you maybe...
(BEEPS)
Please. It's very important
and I can't go to the police.
I don't want anything to
happen to my daughter.
It's 3:00 right now. Could you
please call me back before 4:00?
(BEEPS)
Hello, this is Margie Gaines...
Can we have a taco for dinner?
What... How did you get
here? What're you doing here?
I sneaked out of the house
while you were on the phone.
I'm hungry. Are we there yet?
You've done something very
bad, do you know that? Do you?
I just wanted to
come with you, Daddy.
Do you realize what your mother must
be going through? How scared she is?
We could call her.
She's got police looking
for you all over the state.
Probably thinks I kidnapped you.
I can tell them you didn't.
The worst possible time.
Of all the stupid
things to do, Irene.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
(CRYING)
(SIGHS)
Okay, look, we
get to San Miguel,
we call Mom, and then we get
you back home as soon as possible,
do you hear me?
(SOBBING)
(SIGHS)
Can I have a taco first?
(SIGHS)
Can I do the shift?
"May I do the
shift?" No, sit down.
I'll let you drive.
MARGIE: That was three
years ago at Yosemite.
A.J.: Looks like a fun trip.
It was. There
were lots of those.
The traveling's what
finally split us up.
I didn't want Irene to
grow up in a sleeping bag,
and I guess Steve didn't
want to grow old behind a desk.
How long have you
been separated?
A year and a half.
We wanted to be real
sure before we made it final.
Well, I'm sure now.
(CLICKING)
Mrs. Gaines,
your husband has
violated a custody order.
Child stealing is
a police matter.
No, no police.
I couldn't do that to him.
I mean, how could Steve
keep up child support from jail?
It's tough enough waiting for the checks
to come in from Mexico every month.
Mexico?
Yeah, Steve's been working
down there for the last six months.
He's an explosives
expert with an oil company,
and they've been
out in the field.
Wildcatting?
Yes, he's with a small
independent here in town, Waller Oil.
They've been working a field a few
hundred miles south of Ensenada.
I'm sure he's taken
Irene down there.
Mrs. Gaines, I'm gonna
be very honest with you.
It's gonna be very tough for us to
work on a case like this in Mexico.
First of all, we don't even have
a license to operate down there.
And secondly, there is no
extradition for this kind of offense.
Look, we don't have to
worry this lady with details.
Now, if anybody can get
Irene out of Mexico, it's us.
Now, look, we're gonna
handle this for you, okay?
Okay.
Bill, we got troubles.
Gaines' wife just hired a
couple of private investigators.
Why the hell would he have
her do something like that?
I just can't believe Steve
Gaines would try to deep-six us.
Don't worry.
Tell you, Rick, we are looking
at a recipe for disaster here.
Well, come on. What are you
talking about, man? This is a natural.
I know Mexico like the
back of an enchilada.
Hey, I do. You remember that year,
right after graduation, I split from home.
Where do you think I was?
You were hiding out from
Margo Kenley's father.
Yeah, but where?
I was in Mexico, working in
the oil fields. I worked roustabout.
I'm telling you,
this cannot miss.
Now, come on, get
in the car, let's go.
Rick, they have their own
kidnapping laws down there.
Hey, we get caught trying to
bring that little girl out... Please.
You and I are gonna be eating fried
beans and rice for the rest of our life.
That's better than
not eating at all.
Now, come on, let's
get a move on here.
You may find it amusing,
I do not like flying blind.
Hey, don't worry about it. It's
where you land that counts. Hello.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Oh, yeah, yeah, here's
the keys to the office, okay?
And A.J. says that he wants
you to water the plants for him.
Oh, yeah, the dwarf palm gets
water every other day, okay?
Okay. The catarractus
cannot stand the sun,
so don't put that in the sun.
No sun.
Wait a minute, maybe
it's the other way around.
Rick.
Yeah, yeah, the dwarf
palm can't stand...
No, the dwarf palm gets
watered every other day.
What's that mutt doing in here?
Oh, I'm keeping him while
they go to Mexico, right?
I wasn't referring to the dog.
(SIGHS)
Marlowe will eat anything in
a can or any form of raw meat.
And we owe you
a night on the town.
As soon as we get
back from Mexico
we'll pay you for
it, okay? All right.
You take care of yourself. Okay.
Adios, Myron, I'll
send you a postcard.
MY RON: Bon voyage.
Rick?
Yeah?
Drink the water.
I had my eye on all
that for the garage sale.
Mom, this is good stuff.
Oh, by the way, have
you seen my snake bite kit?
It was around here
somewhere, about 15 years ago.
Okay, Mom, how
about a kiss for luck?
And one for your brother, too.
And stay away from...
Yeah, yeah, I know, I
know, water and tequila.
And things that go
bump in the night.
Mom... Bye-bye.
RICK: Hey, lighten up, muchacho,
We're on the high road to
adventure and excitement.
Oh, yeah, this is the big
deal of the day, all right.
Behind curtain number one,
we have dysentery and scorpions.
Curtain number two, a father who'll
probably kill to keep his daughter.
And number three, 50 years in
a Mexican prison of your choice.
I was wondering when you'd
get into the spirit of this thing.
Come on, outside.
Go, what a neat place!
Do you think Zorro
ever lived here?
I don't think so, honey.
This is not exactly his style.
(MIMICKING HORSE) Jump it.
(IRENE GIGGLING)
What're you doing here?
Don't bother unpacking,
we're going out to the ranch.
Get out of my daddy's room.
It's okay, honey. They're
from the oil company.
What do you want?
Irene, honey, why don't you
go over and read a magazine
while we go outside
and talk, okay?
I wanna come, too.
She's gonna have to.
Now, you leave her out of it.
This is between Waller and
me. She has nothing to do with it.
She does now.
Let's go.
I'm not going anywhere
until I go to the bathroom.
Go ahead, honey, go ahead.
(SPLATTING)
What was that?
Armadillo.
Well, they make
lousy hood ornaments.
No kidding.
Hey, hey,
what is this doing in here, huh?
Oh, I just figured it
might come in handy.
Oh, good. You
just bought half of it.
Oh, no, I didn't.
Forget it, Charlie.
That's your toy. You
bought it, you pay for it.
(STRUMMING GUITAR)
What's wrong? Why
aren't you arguing with me?
It's too hot to argue.
Oh, come on, Rick.
Don't give me that. You've never
given up that easily on 300 bucks before.
Look, let's just call
it even and forget it.
Call it even? What do
you mean? Call what even?
Well, you brought something of
mine, I brought something of yours.
That's even, right? You
brought something of mine?
Yeah. What'd you bring?
What'd you bring in?
Rick?
I just taped that little lightweight
.38 to the wheel well there.
You never know when
you're gonna need a friend.
What? You brought firearms
into Mexico? Are you insane?
No, I'm just careful.
Well, that's nice,
Rick, that's nice.
Now the Federales can get us
for kidnapping and smuggling.
Will you come off it?
Well, we're young,
what's 10 more years?
Well, this case is gonna be over in
no time. You know that, don't you?
No, Gaines is gonna be
real happy to give us that kid.
(MUTTERING)
It's always the same
way in a case like this.
The father starts feeling sorry about it as
soon as the kid starts yelling for Momma.
Olé!
Too bad your kid had
to get dragged into this.
Yeah.
All you had to do was keep your
mouth shut and you would've been rich.
Would've been nice for
her. Good college, clothes.
You could've bought her
a car when she turned 16.
Unless, of course, I'm right and we end up
blowing this town off the face of the map.
Then she can come
and visit me in prison.
Jack, there's still enough
time to talk to Waller,
if we all agree not to go
along with this insanity.
Getting rich isn't
insane. Being paranoid is.
Look, why don't you just relax?
Stop making waves,
enjoy the water.
Yeah, before we all go under.
You wanna know something?
I don't really much care
what happens to you anymore.
If we didn't need
you for the blasting...
It's your kid I feel sorry for.
What did he mean, Daddy?
Nothing, honey.
Did I do something else wrong?
You couldn't do anything
wrong if you tried, you know that?
You're perfect just
the way you are.
(CHICKEN CLUCKING)
(MAN CHATTERING
IN SPANISH ON TV)
(LAUGHING)
Plenty more where
that came from.
Do you speak
English? I thought so.
My name's Tom Seymour.
And today could be the best
day of the rest of your life.
Look out there. What do you see?
Manuel and his chicken.
No, you have to use
more than your eyes.
You have to look
into the future.
Couldn't that be
Ricardo Montalban,
on location in front of your famous
fountain of the dancing waters?
Knock out that wall, what do
you see? There is the Club Med
frolicking in your
Olympic-sized swimming pool.
In the swimming pool?
Stables!
A nightclub featuring
everybody from
Trini Lopez to Bobby Vinton,
and $50,000 a year for the
manager, who, if I'm not mistaken,
looks very much like you.
Am I wrong?
Yes.
No!
When?
Oh, as soon as I make my report
to the brass, bring them down here,
my chain'll move in before you
can say, "Rich Corinthian leather."
Well, it just so happens
the hotel is for sale.
Ah.
Senor?
You know, I'm just a little worried
about this view here. I think...
I'm afraid how that's gonna look
from the second story. I'll tell you what,
why don't you just
have one of the maids
take me upstairs and
I'll check it out, okay?
Maids? What maids?
Of course. Why don't you
just give me the pass key
and I'll go check it
out for myself, huh?
(MACHINERY WHIRRING)
Buenos dias.
Hey, who do I talk
to about getting a job?
A friend of mine told me
this outfit might be hiring.
Maybe. What do you do?
Oh, a little bit of everything.
Worked roughneck mostly.
Hey, Luis, can you use
another body on your gang?
JACK: Don't mind
him, hates gringos.
Uh-huh.
JACK: Man you want to see
is Frank Dawson, tool pusher.
All right. Tell me this now.
Is there a fella working
around here named Gaines?
A buddy of mine said if he
was, I was to look him up.
Yeah, he's with us.
Oh, I got a message I
wanna deliver to him.
Why don't you give it
to me? I'll give it to him.
I don't think you
want to do that.
See, when old Clyde told
me to give him the message,
he said I'd better get ready
to either duck, run or fight.
(RICK LAUGHS)
Well...
Whenever I see him,
I guess I'll see him.
I'll come back in a while and
talk to this feller Dawson, is that it?
You can talk to him right now.
That him?
Hey, Frank, another
roughneck for you.
Howdy.
Find out if he knows
how to handle a rig.
We got a stuck valve on a
pipeline down by Number Four.
(GRUNTS)
(SQUEAKING)
(SCREAMS)
(WHISTLES)
(MAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
MAN: Is he all right?
(MAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
You find a new blast man?
I don't want a new blast man.
Gaines's been working this field a year.
We're behind schedule now.
We get a new man,
we'll lose another week.
I'm telling you, Gaines
is driving everybody crazy
talking about
blowing this town up.
It's just talk. Forget it.
What if it isn't?
What if he's right?
He's not right.
There's always a risk.
For $2 million apiece, that's
one risk I'm willing to take.
Okay, senor, okay,
we lose the mariachis
and we go electronic.
Electronic.
(MIMICKING BEEPING)
Comprende?
Space Invaders, Pong, huh?
Got any fives?
Go fish.
It's just what I've been
trying to tell you, Bill.
(IRENE LAUGHING)
When they first opened this
field, it was all-directional drilling.
We're down to 12,000
feet on a 30-degree angle,
which puts us right
underneath the town.
Now, this kind of geological
structure supports natural gas caverns.
One blast and the whole field
could go up and the town along with it.
JACK: Have you got
any sixes? IRENE: Nope.
Let me see the core sample.
IRENE: But I'll take all your queens.
JACK: No, I don't
have any queens.
Well, you saw that one. Okay, I
only have one face, only one queen.
IRENE: All of them. JACK: Okay.
JACK: All right, so I got two queens,
look. Come on, kid. I mean, I got...
Looks normal enough to me.
It is normal, and if 1,000
human lives weren't involved,
we could go ahead, blast,
and take our chances.
Well, what do you want me to
do, evacuate the whole town?
Pemex hears about
this, we're out of business.
I promised them
results by Friday.
We are guests in this country.
It's bad enough you've
been shooting your mouth off.
Fish! I win!
I've been scraping sand
and dust for 30 years,
waiting for a chance like this.
I haven't seen my
daughter in 10 months.
Okay, so your
marriage is on the rocks.
Busted backs and broken
marriages are part the territory.
But this is one chance we have to
live the rest of our lives in comfort!
I don't think we'll ever have
another chance like this again.
Jack, why don't you take Irene
for a ride around the ranch?
Oh, neat!
JACK: Yeah, neat.
(JACK GRUNTS)
How much did you
tell your wife about this?
I didn't tell her anything. Why?
She sent a couple of private detectives
down here. Did you have her to do that?
No, I didn't have
her to do that.
She must've sent them
down here after Irene.
Okay, look, whether you like it or
not, we need each other right now.
Look, Steve, I'm
offering you a deal.
We send Irene
back home tomorrow,
we'll forget about all the
trouble you've been causing,
you even keep your share,
$2 million, give or take.
All you have to do
is stay on the job
and let me take the
responsibility of what happens.
Remember, my name's on the
company, you're just following orders.
Believe me, pal,
everything's gonna be okay.
This is the last nowhere
town we'll ever have to see.
Maybe you can straighten your
marriage out, watch your kid grow up.
Steve, let's not blow this.
Okay.
Good.
Why don't you go find the kid
and tell her she's going back?
Yeah.
Make sure of one thing.
If what he says is true
and there is an accident,
he's gotta be a charter
member of the casualties.
MANAGER: And for the floor
show, we will have the jugglers,
real Las Vegas style.
And for the reservations, we'll
have the computer on the desk.
You know, there'll be
the toll-free number.
First class. Toll-free
number, my hotel.
Hey, Rick,
I thought we were
gonna meet alone.
We don't need a
stenographer here.
No, no. She's a
registered nurse.
I'll bet. Hi.
No, it's okay. She doesn't
speak a word of English.
Besides, she's good
cover, don't you think?
Oh. Give me a hand here.
What?
Give me a hand here. Here we go.
You see there? Chivalry's not
dead, it's just got a busted rib.
Don't you think you
ought to be home in bed?
Now that sounds like very
good, sound medical advice.
Of course, I might need a second
opinion, and Rosa's got a cousin.
Yeah, well, you know, Mom
wanted me to tell you something...
Hey, we like your car.
Yeah.
Oh, wow, gee, that's nice, but
you know, it's not that uncommon.
There were quite
a lot of them made.
That was a very popular
year. They made a lot of them.
Maybe you can give
us all a ride, huh?
Sure, I'd love to.
That's a great idea.
But, you know, it's
gonna be a little crowded.
Why don't we go in two cars?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Well, that helps, but it's still
gonna be very crowded and...
Maybe what we could
do is just talk right here.
Get in the car.
Hey, you wanna talk in
the car, we'll talk in the car.
That's all right, I don't mind.
Well, now I know what they
mean by Mexican standoff.
All right, now, you put your knife down
and you tell your friends to go home.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
You're looking for
Steve Gaines, aren't you?
We are?
He sent me to get both of you.
He wants to talk to you.
He's waiting outside of town.
He wants to talk to us, he can
talk to us at the hotel, by himself.
All right.
GAINES: Anyway, I talked with Margie on the
phone and she understands what happened.
I told her that you'd have
Irene home tomorrow evening.
As far as your injury is
concerned, that was a mistake.
Somebody out at the site got the wrong
idea about why you were here, that's all.
So, anyway, I'll bring Irene into town
tomorrow morning so you get an early start.
But there is one thing you
could do for me, if you would.
Drop this off in San Diego.
The address is right there on it.
Along with this.
It'd be worth a little extra to me if
you wouldn't mention it to anybody.
Why is that?
Well, it's pretty technical.
Actually, we're trying to reactivate a
series of old played-out wells down here
and I have a few questions
I need answers for.
It's not that important...
What's wrong?
Nothing very much, we just got a very
expensive piece of equipment over there
says you're lying, that's all.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Why would I lie to you?
You were hired to come
down here and bring...
Bring Irene back. I'm
saying you can do that.
Listen to me.
Your daughter scrawled a message on
the bathroom door with a piece of crayon
that said "Help."
Someone tried to
bust up my brother.
You're asking us to smuggle
stuff out of the country for you.
Now you're trying telling me
everything is fine and dandy?
Now, you can tell me
it's none of my business,
but you are in some
kind of trouble, fella.
You're jumping to
the wrong conclusions.
The only trouble I've
got is with my ex-wife.
Now, look, I used to work as a mud
logger. I know a little bit about this.
I know that secondary recovery
can get to be pretty dangerous.
And it looks to me like you've got a
low-yield, high-pressure gas zone here.
And am I right?
Why don't you
just level with us?
Maybe you'd better
read the letter.
Are we sitting right
on top of this thing?
GAINES: Okay.
Howdy.
Irene, I want you to meet
Uncle A.J. and Uncle Rick.
Hi. Hi.
This is Irene. Hi,
Irene, nice to meet you.
Now, I want you to have a good ride
home and don't give them any trouble, okay?
When will I see you again?
Well, it's kind of
hard to say, honey.
But, you know, when
you think about someone,
it's the same as
being with them.
And I want you to remember
that I think about you all the time.
Me, too.
Hey, excuse me. You happen to have
an extra map in there that I could borrow?
Afraid not.
Well, tell you what, let me
check my directions with you.
(A.J. CHATTERING)
Everything all right?
I'll be there.
So will we.
That's it. Okay, thank you
very much. I appreciate it.
What kind of car you got?
'57 Chevy convertible.
Well, I won't go unless
we have the top down.
Well, that's the only way
we fly, sweetheart. Come on.
Be a good girl. Okay, Daddy.
Take care. Yeah.
Let's go.
Hi-yo, Silver, away!
Darling, I think you'd
better stay down,
or your Uncle Rick's gonna
come back there and make you.
He's not my uncle.
Thank God.
I miss my daddy. I
wish he was here.
We got a surprise
for you, darling.
Your daddy's gonna
be coming home with us.
He is? Yippee!
(GROANS)
(NICKERING)
Frank!
The core sample's not in
the safe. Did you take it out?
No.
Who else knows the combination?
That's me, Bauman,
Steve Gaines.
He knows damn well if anything goes
wrong that rock'll send us up for life.
I tried to reason with him,
I tried to protect his daughter
for him. Now I've had it!
Want me to go get him? No.
We're gonna need
him for the blasting.
We'll take care of him later.
He must've given that core
sample to those detectives.
Get on the radio, find out
who we've got to intercept them.
I don't care how they do
it, I want that rock back.
If it takes three bodies on the side
of the road, I want the rock back.
You got it.
(SINGING) Thirty-six
bottles of beer on the wall
Thirty-six bottles of beer
If one of those bottles
should happen to fall
Thirty-five bottles...
Convincing argument for
Planned Parenthood, isn't it?
Hey, A.J., can I drive?
No, sweetheart, maybe
later, after we stop.
Rick, who am I? Chicken
Little and the sky is falling!
Maybe she'd be more
comfortable in the trunk.
Ponce, if you go get the truck, bring
it around back, I'll finish loading this.
How's Gaines doing?
What's taking him so long?
He's loaded and ready
to go out to the rig.
Good.
Well, won't be long now.
We're in good shape.
I got a hold of Knox
up at Number 14.
He's gonna have a little
surprise waiting on that Chevy.
Good.
(CAR STARTING)
Hey!
Well, hey, come on,
stop! Come on, stop!
Stop! Come back! Stop! Stop!
This is neater
than my Big Wheel!
Here.
That'll hold her for a while.
I don't think I can take another
hundred bottles of beer on the wall.
Sit down.
I'm telling you,
I don't trust him.
Steve, how long?
Yeah, I just have to check the
timers and detonators, that's all.
WALLER: Okay, it's
your show, Go ahead.
We don't have to trust him.
All we have to do is
make sure he does his job.
IRENE: And when
the starship landed
and the Princess got
out and walked around,
suddenly, out from nowhere, the
Tribulites came and attacked her...
(MIMICKING GUN FIRING)
and pulled her away!
Irene, darling,
why don't you sit back and try and
take a nap for a little while, all right?
Yeah, and eat your lunch.
No!
Hey, come on. I went through all
that trouble to buy that stuff for you,
they went through
all that trouble to fix it,
now sit back there
and eat it. Come on.
I don't wanna.
Hey, look, if you don't eat it, I'm
gonna pull over here somewhere
and get back there
and make you eat it.
I'm not hungry.
Look, if she doesn't want
to eat it, she doesn't have to.
Just leave her alone, all
right? Now, you keep out of this.
I spent five bucks on that
stuff. She's gonna eat it.
Besides, she hasn't had
anything since breakfast.
So what? She's not gonna starve.
Who are you, man,
Dr. Spock? The kid's gotta eat.
Look, why'd you let her
order all the junk food, then?
What junk food?
That's not nutritious.
She's better off not eating it.
Pork is not nutritious? Lettuce
and tomatoes are not nutritious?
I eat that stuff all the time.
Well, I rest my
case right there.
Freeze-dried pizza and onion rings
didn't go to the moon with the astronauts.
Battle stations.
Oh, boy.
Irene, we're gonna
play a little game.
IRENE: What kind of a game?
Your uncle Rick and I used
to play it when we were kids.
It's called chicken.
That a drunk driver?
Not a chance.
Why are we going back?
Well, we were gonna meet your
dad up ahead, about 20 miles,
but on second thought,
we decided to pick him up.
Neat! This is fun!
Gaines kept saying
somebody was gonna die.
Funny it turned out to be him.
Well, I'll start feeling
sorry when we find a body.
MAN OVER RAND: This
is Big Bird calling the nest,
I've had a breakdown
30 miles north,
We got you, Big Bird. What
happened to the worm? Over.
Couldn't stop them. They doubled
back, They're headed toward you.
Coming back after Gaines.
I knew he was too
good a powder man.
Have Dawson bring
a chopper out here.
Base camp, come in.
Come in, base camp. Over.
IRENE: There's the Princess,
and look at the Lucherian Guards.
Uh-huh. Didn't you guys have
these when you were kids?
Sure, of course we did.
We had... Let's see. Well, we
had a monster named Kluszewski.
(LAUGHING)
And he had these
giant killer arms.
And then there was a
prince named Whitey Ford.
Yeah? Yeah.
(GUN FIRING)
and then there was this terrifying group
of Pirates from the planet Pittsburgh.
And they stole the
sacred pennant.
And they wouldn't
give it back...
And I think you better hit
the deck again, sweetheart.
(GUN FIRING)
(SCREAMING)
(GUN FIRING)
(GUN FIRING)
This isn't working.
If you got any better ideas,
I wanna hear them, now!
(GUN FIRING)
I got one.
What?
You're not gonna like it.
(GUN FIRING)
Come on.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
A.J., they're coming.
Whew.
(SINGING) Hundred bottles of beer
on the wall A hundred bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on
the wall Ninety-nine bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall
Ninety-eight bottles of beer on
the wall Ninety-eight bottles of beer
You take one
down, Pass it around
Ninety-seven bottles
of beer on the wall
Ninety-seven bottles of beer on
the wall Ninety-seven bottles of beer
You take one
down, Pass it around
Ninety-six bottles
of beer on the wall
Ninety-six bottles of beer on
the wall Ninety-six bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
Ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall
RICK: Oh, Cheryl, you're a killer.
Those hands ought to be registered.
(SIGHING)
Where did you learn this?
Years in the Orient, or what?
No, down at the Y.
Oh, that's good, that's nice.
I was thinking, a little
bit later maybe we
could slip into something
more comfortable,
like the ocean.
You know me, Rick.
Whatever floats your boat.
Oh, yeah.
A little bit lower, on the right
there. Yeah. Oh, that's perfect.
(GROANS)
A.J.: Hi.
RICK: Oh.
Marlowe, repel boarders.
Now, I hate to interrupt,
but remember, Rick, you did have
a previous engagement this evening.
I'm sorry, darling, I warned
him about overbooking.
(GROANS)
No, Cheryl, look,
you don't understand...
But, look, what
about tomorrow night?
Sorry.
Yes, you are.
Hurry up, Rick, we've gotta eat
fast so we don't miss the movie.
Oh! A movie, too, huh?
Sure, it's a double feature.
A.J.: That's right.
Steve and Margie are gonna
be out late celebrating tonight.
They have a lot to talk about.
Janet, we owe you
at least a dinner.
So, you pick the
restaurant, okay?
Okay.
There's a great taco place
that just opened near the wharf.
Oh, boy! A movie,
and tacos, too?
a police matter.
No, no police.
Hi-yo, Silver, away!
Maybe she'd be more
comfortable in the trunk.
These are human
lives we're playing with!
A lot of people
are going to die.
Battle stations.
Oh, boy.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
If it takes three bodies on the side
of the road, I want the rock back.
One blast and the whole field
could go up and the town along with it.
Are we sitting right
on top of this thing?
(KIDS CHATTERING)
What's your
favorite part, Daddy?
Mine's when they wiped out the
Death Colony with the poison crystals.
Remember they all
started turning green?
Daddy? Huh?
What's the matter? You liked
Space Warp the first time we saw it.
You said you liked it
even more the second time.
Well, honey, I was
looking for a phone booth
I have to make one call
before we go in, okay?
Another one?
We'll miss the princess
escaping from the Planet Tarkon.
Oh, no, we won't. I tell you
what, you hold our place in line
and I'll be back in a
micro light second.
Before my dad goes away again,
I'm gonna get him to
buy me a Kronon Warrior.
You know, the one
with all the darts?
I got Slime Beast
for my birthday.
His head and tail comes off,
and you can take him in the tub.
I've driven 500 miles to talk to
you, we've been friends for 15 years,
and you won't even
see me face to face?
Because these are human
lives we're playing with!
A lot of people
are going to die.
I don't care how much
money is at stake!
Well, you can't do it
without me, you know that.
Well, then I'll make
the decision for you.
You bet I'm threatening you.
(ON ANSWERING MACHINE)
This is Dennis Wilkie with First Fidelity
calling for Richard Simon,
This is in reference
to a car payment,
It's the third time We called.
And I'm afraid if I
don't get a response,
("m gonna have to turn this matter
over to our collection department.
(BEEPS)
Hi, it's Donna from
Leather World for A, J,
Your suede jacket came in today,
I'll be here till 9:00 a" week.
Whatever it is, it's going back.
It can't. It can't. No,
see, I got this on sale.
And you're never ever gonna be able
to buy a VSA this cheap again, not ever.
$300... You paid $300 for a VSA?
Don't worry about it.
I'm paying for it on time.
Your time, not mine.
I do not need a VSA.
(BEEPING)
What is a VSA?
"Sentry Voice Stress Analyzer.
"Electronically processes speech from
any source, live, recorded or telephone.
"Monitors emotional
stress levels." What?
(WOMAN TALKING OVER
ANSWERING MACHINE)
Yeah, lets you know whether
people are lying or not.
Rick, our bank account
is in Death Valley.
You are now ordering
up the vultures.
If you want toys,
you call Santa Claus.
Keep going. Let's see
where she'll top end.
We still haven't paid off your night
vision glasses from last week! Rick!
Beautiful!
(EXCLAIMS)
WOMAN: It's very important
and I can't go to the police.
I don't want anything to
happen to my daughter.
It's 3:00 right now.
Could you maybe...
(BEEPS)
Please. It's very important
and I can't go to the police.
I don't want anything to
happen to my daughter.
It's 3:00 right now. Could you
please call me back before 4:00?
(BEEPS)
Hello, this is Margie Gaines...
Can we have a taco for dinner?
What... How did you get
here? What're you doing here?
I sneaked out of the house
while you were on the phone.
I'm hungry. Are we there yet?
You've done something very
bad, do you know that? Do you?
I just wanted to
come with you, Daddy.
Do you realize what your mother must
be going through? How scared she is?
We could call her.
She's got police looking
for you all over the state.
Probably thinks I kidnapped you.
I can tell them you didn't.
The worst possible time.
Of all the stupid
things to do, Irene.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
(CRYING)
(SIGHS)
Okay, look, we
get to San Miguel,
we call Mom, and then we get
you back home as soon as possible,
do you hear me?
(SOBBING)
(SIGHS)
Can I have a taco first?
(SIGHS)
Can I do the shift?
"May I do the
shift?" No, sit down.
I'll let you drive.
MARGIE: That was three
years ago at Yosemite.
A.J.: Looks like a fun trip.
It was. There
were lots of those.
The traveling's what
finally split us up.
I didn't want Irene to
grow up in a sleeping bag,
and I guess Steve didn't
want to grow old behind a desk.
How long have you
been separated?
A year and a half.
We wanted to be real
sure before we made it final.
Well, I'm sure now.
(CLICKING)
Mrs. Gaines,
your husband has
violated a custody order.
Child stealing is
a police matter.
No, no police.
I couldn't do that to him.
I mean, how could Steve
keep up child support from jail?
It's tough enough waiting for the checks
to come in from Mexico every month.
Mexico?
Yeah, Steve's been working
down there for the last six months.
He's an explosives
expert with an oil company,
and they've been
out in the field.
Wildcatting?
Yes, he's with a small
independent here in town, Waller Oil.
They've been working a field a few
hundred miles south of Ensenada.
I'm sure he's taken
Irene down there.
Mrs. Gaines, I'm gonna
be very honest with you.
It's gonna be very tough for us to
work on a case like this in Mexico.
First of all, we don't even have
a license to operate down there.
And secondly, there is no
extradition for this kind of offense.
Look, we don't have to
worry this lady with details.
Now, if anybody can get
Irene out of Mexico, it's us.
Now, look, we're gonna
handle this for you, okay?
Okay.
Bill, we got troubles.
Gaines' wife just hired a
couple of private investigators.
Why the hell would he have
her do something like that?
I just can't believe Steve
Gaines would try to deep-six us.
Don't worry.
Tell you, Rick, we are looking
at a recipe for disaster here.
Well, come on. What are you
talking about, man? This is a natural.
I know Mexico like the
back of an enchilada.
Hey, I do. You remember that year,
right after graduation, I split from home.
Where do you think I was?
You were hiding out from
Margo Kenley's father.
Yeah, but where?
I was in Mexico, working in
the oil fields. I worked roustabout.
I'm telling you,
this cannot miss.
Now, come on, get
in the car, let's go.
Rick, they have their own
kidnapping laws down there.
Hey, we get caught trying to
bring that little girl out... Please.
You and I are gonna be eating fried
beans and rice for the rest of our life.
That's better than
not eating at all.
Now, come on, let's
get a move on here.
You may find it amusing,
I do not like flying blind.
Hey, don't worry about it. It's
where you land that counts. Hello.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Oh, yeah, yeah, here's
the keys to the office, okay?
And A.J. says that he wants
you to water the plants for him.
Oh, yeah, the dwarf palm gets
water every other day, okay?
Okay. The catarractus
cannot stand the sun,
so don't put that in the sun.
No sun.
Wait a minute, maybe
it's the other way around.
Rick.
Yeah, yeah, the dwarf
palm can't stand...
No, the dwarf palm gets
watered every other day.
What's that mutt doing in here?
Oh, I'm keeping him while
they go to Mexico, right?
I wasn't referring to the dog.
(SIGHS)
Marlowe will eat anything in
a can or any form of raw meat.
And we owe you
a night on the town.
As soon as we get
back from Mexico
we'll pay you for
it, okay? All right.
You take care of yourself. Okay.
Adios, Myron, I'll
send you a postcard.
MY RON: Bon voyage.
Rick?
Yeah?
Drink the water.
I had my eye on all
that for the garage sale.
Mom, this is good stuff.
Oh, by the way, have
you seen my snake bite kit?
It was around here
somewhere, about 15 years ago.
Okay, Mom, how
about a kiss for luck?
And one for your brother, too.
And stay away from...
Yeah, yeah, I know, I
know, water and tequila.
And things that go
bump in the night.
Mom... Bye-bye.
RICK: Hey, lighten up, muchacho,
We're on the high road to
adventure and excitement.
Oh, yeah, this is the big
deal of the day, all right.
Behind curtain number one,
we have dysentery and scorpions.
Curtain number two, a father who'll
probably kill to keep his daughter.
And number three, 50 years in
a Mexican prison of your choice.
I was wondering when you'd
get into the spirit of this thing.
Come on, outside.
Go, what a neat place!
Do you think Zorro
ever lived here?
I don't think so, honey.
This is not exactly his style.
(MIMICKING HORSE) Jump it.
(IRENE GIGGLING)
What're you doing here?
Don't bother unpacking,
we're going out to the ranch.
Get out of my daddy's room.
It's okay, honey. They're
from the oil company.
What do you want?
Irene, honey, why don't you
go over and read a magazine
while we go outside
and talk, okay?
I wanna come, too.
She's gonna have to.
Now, you leave her out of it.
This is between Waller and
me. She has nothing to do with it.
She does now.
Let's go.
I'm not going anywhere
until I go to the bathroom.
Go ahead, honey, go ahead.
(SPLATTING)
What was that?
Armadillo.
Well, they make
lousy hood ornaments.
No kidding.
Hey, hey,
what is this doing in here, huh?
Oh, I just figured it
might come in handy.
Oh, good. You
just bought half of it.
Oh, no, I didn't.
Forget it, Charlie.
That's your toy. You
bought it, you pay for it.
(STRUMMING GUITAR)
What's wrong? Why
aren't you arguing with me?
It's too hot to argue.
Oh, come on, Rick.
Don't give me that. You've never
given up that easily on 300 bucks before.
Look, let's just call
it even and forget it.
Call it even? What do
you mean? Call what even?
Well, you brought something of
mine, I brought something of yours.
That's even, right? You
brought something of mine?
Yeah. What'd you bring?
What'd you bring in?
Rick?
I just taped that little lightweight
.38 to the wheel well there.
You never know when
you're gonna need a friend.
What? You brought firearms
into Mexico? Are you insane?
No, I'm just careful.
Well, that's nice,
Rick, that's nice.
Now the Federales can get us
for kidnapping and smuggling.
Will you come off it?
Well, we're young,
what's 10 more years?
Well, this case is gonna be over in
no time. You know that, don't you?
No, Gaines is gonna be
real happy to give us that kid.
(MUTTERING)
It's always the same
way in a case like this.
The father starts feeling sorry about it as
soon as the kid starts yelling for Momma.
Olé!
Too bad your kid had
to get dragged into this.
Yeah.
All you had to do was keep your
mouth shut and you would've been rich.
Would've been nice for
her. Good college, clothes.
You could've bought her
a car when she turned 16.
Unless, of course, I'm right and we end up
blowing this town off the face of the map.
Then she can come
and visit me in prison.
Jack, there's still enough
time to talk to Waller,
if we all agree not to go
along with this insanity.
Getting rich isn't
insane. Being paranoid is.
Look, why don't you just relax?
Stop making waves,
enjoy the water.
Yeah, before we all go under.
You wanna know something?
I don't really much care
what happens to you anymore.
If we didn't need
you for the blasting...
It's your kid I feel sorry for.
What did he mean, Daddy?
Nothing, honey.
Did I do something else wrong?
You couldn't do anything
wrong if you tried, you know that?
You're perfect just
the way you are.
(CHICKEN CLUCKING)
(MAN CHATTERING
IN SPANISH ON TV)
(LAUGHING)
Plenty more where
that came from.
Do you speak
English? I thought so.
My name's Tom Seymour.
And today could be the best
day of the rest of your life.
Look out there. What do you see?
Manuel and his chicken.
No, you have to use
more than your eyes.
You have to look
into the future.
Couldn't that be
Ricardo Montalban,
on location in front of your famous
fountain of the dancing waters?
Knock out that wall, what do
you see? There is the Club Med
frolicking in your
Olympic-sized swimming pool.
In the swimming pool?
Stables!
A nightclub featuring
everybody from
Trini Lopez to Bobby Vinton,
and $50,000 a year for the
manager, who, if I'm not mistaken,
looks very much like you.
Am I wrong?
Yes.
No!
When?
Oh, as soon as I make my report
to the brass, bring them down here,
my chain'll move in before you
can say, "Rich Corinthian leather."
Well, it just so happens
the hotel is for sale.
Ah.
Senor?
You know, I'm just a little worried
about this view here. I think...
I'm afraid how that's gonna look
from the second story. I'll tell you what,
why don't you just
have one of the maids
take me upstairs and
I'll check it out, okay?
Maids? What maids?
Of course. Why don't you
just give me the pass key
and I'll go check it
out for myself, huh?
(MACHINERY WHIRRING)
Buenos dias.
Hey, who do I talk
to about getting a job?
A friend of mine told me
this outfit might be hiring.
Maybe. What do you do?
Oh, a little bit of everything.
Worked roughneck mostly.
Hey, Luis, can you use
another body on your gang?
JACK: Don't mind
him, hates gringos.
Uh-huh.
JACK: Man you want to see
is Frank Dawson, tool pusher.
All right. Tell me this now.
Is there a fella working
around here named Gaines?
A buddy of mine said if he
was, I was to look him up.
Yeah, he's with us.
Oh, I got a message I
wanna deliver to him.
Why don't you give it
to me? I'll give it to him.
I don't think you
want to do that.
See, when old Clyde told
me to give him the message,
he said I'd better get ready
to either duck, run or fight.
(RICK LAUGHS)
Well...
Whenever I see him,
I guess I'll see him.
I'll come back in a while and
talk to this feller Dawson, is that it?
You can talk to him right now.
That him?
Hey, Frank, another
roughneck for you.
Howdy.
Find out if he knows
how to handle a rig.
We got a stuck valve on a
pipeline down by Number Four.
(GRUNTS)
(SQUEAKING)
(SCREAMS)
(WHISTLES)
(MAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
MAN: Is he all right?
(MAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
You find a new blast man?
I don't want a new blast man.
Gaines's been working this field a year.
We're behind schedule now.
We get a new man,
we'll lose another week.
I'm telling you, Gaines
is driving everybody crazy
talking about
blowing this town up.
It's just talk. Forget it.
What if it isn't?
What if he's right?
He's not right.
There's always a risk.
For $2 million apiece, that's
one risk I'm willing to take.
Okay, senor, okay,
we lose the mariachis
and we go electronic.
Electronic.
(MIMICKING BEEPING)
Comprende?
Space Invaders, Pong, huh?
Got any fives?
Go fish.
It's just what I've been
trying to tell you, Bill.
(IRENE LAUGHING)
When they first opened this
field, it was all-directional drilling.
We're down to 12,000
feet on a 30-degree angle,
which puts us right
underneath the town.
Now, this kind of geological
structure supports natural gas caverns.
One blast and the whole field
could go up and the town along with it.
JACK: Have you got
any sixes? IRENE: Nope.
Let me see the core sample.
IRENE: But I'll take all your queens.
JACK: No, I don't
have any queens.
Well, you saw that one. Okay, I
only have one face, only one queen.
IRENE: All of them. JACK: Okay.
JACK: All right, so I got two queens,
look. Come on, kid. I mean, I got...
Looks normal enough to me.
It is normal, and if 1,000
human lives weren't involved,
we could go ahead, blast,
and take our chances.
Well, what do you want me to
do, evacuate the whole town?
Pemex hears about
this, we're out of business.
I promised them
results by Friday.
We are guests in this country.
It's bad enough you've
been shooting your mouth off.
Fish! I win!
I've been scraping sand
and dust for 30 years,
waiting for a chance like this.
I haven't seen my
daughter in 10 months.
Okay, so your
marriage is on the rocks.
Busted backs and broken
marriages are part the territory.
But this is one chance we have to
live the rest of our lives in comfort!
I don't think we'll ever have
another chance like this again.
Jack, why don't you take Irene
for a ride around the ranch?
Oh, neat!
JACK: Yeah, neat.
(JACK GRUNTS)
How much did you
tell your wife about this?
I didn't tell her anything. Why?
She sent a couple of private detectives
down here. Did you have her to do that?
No, I didn't have
her to do that.
She must've sent them
down here after Irene.
Okay, look, whether you like it or
not, we need each other right now.
Look, Steve, I'm
offering you a deal.
We send Irene
back home tomorrow,
we'll forget about all the
trouble you've been causing,
you even keep your share,
$2 million, give or take.
All you have to do
is stay on the job
and let me take the
responsibility of what happens.
Remember, my name's on the
company, you're just following orders.
Believe me, pal,
everything's gonna be okay.
This is the last nowhere
town we'll ever have to see.
Maybe you can straighten your
marriage out, watch your kid grow up.
Steve, let's not blow this.
Okay.
Good.
Why don't you go find the kid
and tell her she's going back?
Yeah.
Make sure of one thing.
If what he says is true
and there is an accident,
he's gotta be a charter
member of the casualties.
MANAGER: And for the floor
show, we will have the jugglers,
real Las Vegas style.
And for the reservations, we'll
have the computer on the desk.
You know, there'll be
the toll-free number.
First class. Toll-free
number, my hotel.
Hey, Rick,
I thought we were
gonna meet alone.
We don't need a
stenographer here.
No, no. She's a
registered nurse.
I'll bet. Hi.
No, it's okay. She doesn't
speak a word of English.
Besides, she's good
cover, don't you think?
Oh. Give me a hand here.
What?
Give me a hand here. Here we go.
You see there? Chivalry's not
dead, it's just got a busted rib.
Don't you think you
ought to be home in bed?
Now that sounds like very
good, sound medical advice.
Of course, I might need a second
opinion, and Rosa's got a cousin.
Yeah, well, you know, Mom
wanted me to tell you something...
Hey, we like your car.
Yeah.
Oh, wow, gee, that's nice, but
you know, it's not that uncommon.
There were quite
a lot of them made.
That was a very popular
year. They made a lot of them.
Maybe you can give
us all a ride, huh?
Sure, I'd love to.
That's a great idea.
But, you know, it's
gonna be a little crowded.
Why don't we go in two cars?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Well, that helps, but it's still
gonna be very crowded and...
Maybe what we could
do is just talk right here.
Get in the car.
Hey, you wanna talk in
the car, we'll talk in the car.
That's all right, I don't mind.
Well, now I know what they
mean by Mexican standoff.
All right, now, you put your knife down
and you tell your friends to go home.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
You're looking for
Steve Gaines, aren't you?
We are?
He sent me to get both of you.
He wants to talk to you.
He's waiting outside of town.
He wants to talk to us, he can
talk to us at the hotel, by himself.
All right.
GAINES: Anyway, I talked with Margie on the
phone and she understands what happened.
I told her that you'd have
Irene home tomorrow evening.
As far as your injury is
concerned, that was a mistake.
Somebody out at the site got the wrong
idea about why you were here, that's all.
So, anyway, I'll bring Irene into town
tomorrow morning so you get an early start.
But there is one thing you
could do for me, if you would.
Drop this off in San Diego.
The address is right there on it.
Along with this.
It'd be worth a little extra to me if
you wouldn't mention it to anybody.
Why is that?
Well, it's pretty technical.
Actually, we're trying to reactivate a
series of old played-out wells down here
and I have a few questions
I need answers for.
It's not that important...
What's wrong?
Nothing very much, we just got a very
expensive piece of equipment over there
says you're lying, that's all.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Why would I lie to you?
You were hired to come
down here and bring...
Bring Irene back. I'm
saying you can do that.
Listen to me.
Your daughter scrawled a message on
the bathroom door with a piece of crayon
that said "Help."
Someone tried to
bust up my brother.
You're asking us to smuggle
stuff out of the country for you.
Now you're trying telling me
everything is fine and dandy?
Now, you can tell me
it's none of my business,
but you are in some
kind of trouble, fella.
You're jumping to
the wrong conclusions.
The only trouble I've
got is with my ex-wife.
Now, look, I used to work as a mud
logger. I know a little bit about this.
I know that secondary recovery
can get to be pretty dangerous.
And it looks to me like you've got a
low-yield, high-pressure gas zone here.
And am I right?
Why don't you
just level with us?
Maybe you'd better
read the letter.
Are we sitting right
on top of this thing?
GAINES: Okay.
Howdy.
Irene, I want you to meet
Uncle A.J. and Uncle Rick.
Hi. Hi.
This is Irene. Hi,
Irene, nice to meet you.
Now, I want you to have a good ride
home and don't give them any trouble, okay?
When will I see you again?
Well, it's kind of
hard to say, honey.
But, you know, when
you think about someone,
it's the same as
being with them.
And I want you to remember
that I think about you all the time.
Me, too.
Hey, excuse me. You happen to have
an extra map in there that I could borrow?
Afraid not.
Well, tell you what, let me
check my directions with you.
(A.J. CHATTERING)
Everything all right?
I'll be there.
So will we.
That's it. Okay, thank you
very much. I appreciate it.
What kind of car you got?
'57 Chevy convertible.
Well, I won't go unless
we have the top down.
Well, that's the only way
we fly, sweetheart. Come on.
Be a good girl. Okay, Daddy.
Take care. Yeah.
Let's go.
Hi-yo, Silver, away!
Darling, I think you'd
better stay down,
or your Uncle Rick's gonna
come back there and make you.
He's not my uncle.
Thank God.
I miss my daddy. I
wish he was here.
We got a surprise
for you, darling.
Your daddy's gonna
be coming home with us.
He is? Yippee!
(GROANS)
(NICKERING)
Frank!
The core sample's not in
the safe. Did you take it out?
No.
Who else knows the combination?
That's me, Bauman,
Steve Gaines.
He knows damn well if anything goes
wrong that rock'll send us up for life.
I tried to reason with him,
I tried to protect his daughter
for him. Now I've had it!
Want me to go get him? No.
We're gonna need
him for the blasting.
We'll take care of him later.
He must've given that core
sample to those detectives.
Get on the radio, find out
who we've got to intercept them.
I don't care how they do
it, I want that rock back.
If it takes three bodies on the side
of the road, I want the rock back.
You got it.
(SINGING) Thirty-six
bottles of beer on the wall
Thirty-six bottles of beer
If one of those bottles
should happen to fall
Thirty-five bottles...
Convincing argument for
Planned Parenthood, isn't it?
Hey, A.J., can I drive?
No, sweetheart, maybe
later, after we stop.
Rick, who am I? Chicken
Little and the sky is falling!
Maybe she'd be more
comfortable in the trunk.
Ponce, if you go get the truck, bring
it around back, I'll finish loading this.
How's Gaines doing?
What's taking him so long?
He's loaded and ready
to go out to the rig.
Good.
Well, won't be long now.
We're in good shape.
I got a hold of Knox
up at Number 14.
He's gonna have a little
surprise waiting on that Chevy.
Good.
(CAR STARTING)
Hey!
Well, hey, come on,
stop! Come on, stop!
Stop! Come back! Stop! Stop!
This is neater
than my Big Wheel!
Here.
That'll hold her for a while.
I don't think I can take another
hundred bottles of beer on the wall.
Sit down.
I'm telling you,
I don't trust him.
Steve, how long?
Yeah, I just have to check the
timers and detonators, that's all.
WALLER: Okay, it's
your show, Go ahead.
We don't have to trust him.
All we have to do is
make sure he does his job.
IRENE: And when
the starship landed
and the Princess got
out and walked around,
suddenly, out from nowhere, the
Tribulites came and attacked her...
(MIMICKING GUN FIRING)
and pulled her away!
Irene, darling,
why don't you sit back and try and
take a nap for a little while, all right?
Yeah, and eat your lunch.
No!
Hey, come on. I went through all
that trouble to buy that stuff for you,
they went through
all that trouble to fix it,
now sit back there
and eat it. Come on.
I don't wanna.
Hey, look, if you don't eat it, I'm
gonna pull over here somewhere
and get back there
and make you eat it.
I'm not hungry.
Look, if she doesn't want
to eat it, she doesn't have to.
Just leave her alone, all
right? Now, you keep out of this.
I spent five bucks on that
stuff. She's gonna eat it.
Besides, she hasn't had
anything since breakfast.
So what? She's not gonna starve.
Who are you, man,
Dr. Spock? The kid's gotta eat.
Look, why'd you let her
order all the junk food, then?
What junk food?
That's not nutritious.
She's better off not eating it.
Pork is not nutritious? Lettuce
and tomatoes are not nutritious?
I eat that stuff all the time.
Well, I rest my
case right there.
Freeze-dried pizza and onion rings
didn't go to the moon with the astronauts.
Battle stations.
Oh, boy.
Irene, we're gonna
play a little game.
IRENE: What kind of a game?
Your uncle Rick and I used
to play it when we were kids.
It's called chicken.
That a drunk driver?
Not a chance.
Why are we going back?
Well, we were gonna meet your
dad up ahead, about 20 miles,
but on second thought,
we decided to pick him up.
Neat! This is fun!
Gaines kept saying
somebody was gonna die.
Funny it turned out to be him.
Well, I'll start feeling
sorry when we find a body.
MAN OVER RAND: This
is Big Bird calling the nest,
I've had a breakdown
30 miles north,
We got you, Big Bird. What
happened to the worm? Over.
Couldn't stop them. They doubled
back, They're headed toward you.
Coming back after Gaines.
I knew he was too
good a powder man.
Have Dawson bring
a chopper out here.
Base camp, come in.
Come in, base camp. Over.
IRENE: There's the Princess,
and look at the Lucherian Guards.
Uh-huh. Didn't you guys have
these when you were kids?
Sure, of course we did.
We had... Let's see. Well, we
had a monster named Kluszewski.
(LAUGHING)
And he had these
giant killer arms.
And then there was a
prince named Whitey Ford.
Yeah? Yeah.
(GUN FIRING)
and then there was this terrifying group
of Pirates from the planet Pittsburgh.
And they stole the
sacred pennant.
And they wouldn't
give it back...
And I think you better hit
the deck again, sweetheart.
(GUN FIRING)
(SCREAMING)
(GUN FIRING)
(GUN FIRING)
This isn't working.
If you got any better ideas,
I wanna hear them, now!
(GUN FIRING)
I got one.
What?
You're not gonna like it.
(GUN FIRING)
Come on.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
A.J., they're coming.
Whew.
(SINGING) Hundred bottles of beer
on the wall A hundred bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on
the wall Ninety-nine bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall
Ninety-eight bottles of beer on
the wall Ninety-eight bottles of beer
You take one
down, Pass it around
Ninety-seven bottles
of beer on the wall
Ninety-seven bottles of beer on
the wall Ninety-seven bottles of beer
You take one
down, Pass it around
Ninety-six bottles
of beer on the wall
Ninety-six bottles of beer on
the wall Ninety-six bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
Ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall
RICK: Oh, Cheryl, you're a killer.
Those hands ought to be registered.
(SIGHING)
Where did you learn this?
Years in the Orient, or what?
No, down at the Y.
Oh, that's good, that's nice.
I was thinking, a little
bit later maybe we
could slip into something
more comfortable,
like the ocean.
You know me, Rick.
Whatever floats your boat.
Oh, yeah.
A little bit lower, on the right
there. Yeah. Oh, that's perfect.
(GROANS)
A.J.: Hi.
RICK: Oh.
Marlowe, repel boarders.
Now, I hate to interrupt,
but remember, Rick, you did have
a previous engagement this evening.
I'm sorry, darling, I warned
him about overbooking.
(GROANS)
No, Cheryl, look,
you don't understand...
But, look, what
about tomorrow night?
Sorry.
Yes, you are.
Hurry up, Rick, we've gotta eat
fast so we don't miss the movie.
Oh! A movie, too, huh?
Sure, it's a double feature.
A.J.: That's right.
Steve and Margie are gonna
be out late celebrating tonight.
They have a lot to talk about.
Janet, we owe you
at least a dinner.
So, you pick the
restaurant, okay?
Okay.
There's a great taco place
that just opened near the wharf.
Oh, boy! A movie,
and tacos, too?