Simon & Simon (1981–1989): Season 1, Episode 2 - Love, Christy - full transcript

Rick and AJ help a college coed who's car was stolen.


Ooh, there she comes.

RICK: Yes, don't I know it.


AJ; Have we got
the right address?

I thought you were
the man for the job.

CHRISTY: Somebody stole my car,

I want you to
get it back for me.

We are in business.

This time, we're not.

RICK: This time, we're in love.

Well, we meet again, muchachos.




Nice car.

The speed limit's
15, I'm doing 40

and she wants me to pull over.

RICK: It's all yours, darling.

Oh, my, my, my!

RICK: Tell me I'm not in love.

Yeah, well, five bucks says
she won't say three words to you.

You're on.

Marlowe, come here. Come
here. Now, Marlowe, score.

RICK: Go on.


RICK: Marlowe, Marlowe,
come on, get back!

Get back now! You sit! Bad dog!

Look, I'm really
sorry about that.

He does that every
time he sees a pretty girl.

Listen, I just bet my
brother over there,

every bit of money
I have in the world

that you and I
could... You lose.

Have a few words together,
maybe conversation.



It's too late now.

A.J.: You know,
you ought to try this.

It might take
your mind off girls.

RICK: Sure. I could think about
hospital bills, funeral expenses.

I sure hope your
will's in order.

You better hope you're in it.


I'll see you back at the house.



Did you get it?



I've never been
so scared in my life.

If they find out...

Nobody's going to find out.

We'll get it back in
by tomorrow night.

Nobody will ever
know the difference.


Listen, uh... Oh.

I said, if you did it, I'd
let you buy me a drink.

I know.

Uh, where shall we go?

Which just goes to
support my theory,

that by the year 1990,

the rat problem will be
so entirely out of control,

they'll take over the world!

(CHUCKLES) Doesn't
leave us much time, does it?

Well, hopefully, somebody
will do something by then.

My car!

I parked it right here.
Where's my car? Somebody's...

Oh, no! This can't happen to me.

Can't happen to you?

The test, Christy, the test!

If we don't get
it back, I'm dead!

You're dead? I'm the one
that's got to take the final!

If we don't get it back in
Professor Linsky's office,

he's gonna make up a new one.

Then I'll flunk for sure. Oh,
my father will disown me.

Call the police.




Couldn't be Mona.
Mona's in Hawaii.



You don't have any clothes on.

I have my underwear on.


Come on in.

Glad you could drop by.

Ooh, um... What're you drinking?

Have any champagne?

How about a beer?

No, thanks.

Well, what shall we talk about?

The card you left
on my windshield.

It says you're a
private investigator.

Um, yeah.

Among other things...

Of course, I'm sure
it's the other things

you'd be more
interested in talking about.

Uh, no.

Um, actually, I'm very
interested in the fact

that you're a
private investigator.


I wanna hire you.

At 3:00 in the morning?

Well, you look like a
man who keeps late hours.

Yeah, I am. Right.

What do you wanna hire me for?

Somebody stole my car.

I want you to
get it back for me.

Hmm, stole your car.

Well, that's a shame.
Did you call the police?

Of course I called the police.

But I need it back in 24 hours.

Daddy's flying
in tomorrow night.


If I don't pick him up
at the airport in that car,

I don't know what he'll do.

See, it's the third
one I've had stolen.

Daddy says if I lose this one,

he'll never buy me another one.



Well, of course,
now I can understand

why you woke me up
at 3:00 in the morning.

It's very, very important to me.


I thought you were
the man for the job.

Of course, I could be wrong.

No, no, no, no, no. You're
not wrong, you're right.

You came to the right
place. As a matter of fact,

you even came at the right time.

No. A car like that, 24 hours,

that's re-painted and
on a boat to Bolivia.

I knew you'd understand.

Oh, yeah.

And I have a few connections
in the world of stolen cars.

I knew you would.


And since the last
thing we want is

for Daddy to stop
buying you new cars...

Are you sure you
wouldn't like to have a beer

just to sort of consummate
our new relationship?

Shouldn't you get to work?

We can consummate
our relationship

after you've found the car.



Um, I'm just...


RICK: Won't say over
three words to me, huh?

I just hope you discussed
finances with her.

$300 a day, plus expenses,

plus a bonus, if
we get the car back.

Oh, tell me you discussed
finances with her.

Come on, AJ.

A girl goes through
three Porsches,

she's not gonna have
any trouble payin' us.

Oh, that's just
great. That's great.

Now we're a
non-profit organization.

When are you gonna
get it through your head,

we are in business.

This time we're not.
This time we're in love.

Why am I here?

I'm not getting paid.

What other earthly
reason is there for me

to be here at this
hour of the morning?


Hey, Manuel, it's Rick Simon.


Rick. Hmm?

A.J.: Have we got
the right address?


Are you sure he's
a friend of yours?






What happened? You
sound a little worried out here.


Listen, Manuel. What?

I've got a friend who's
interested in a 924 Turbo.


And went to the showroom,

checked out the sticker prices

and he just about croaked.

He thought I might be able
to help him out a little bit.

When's the last time you
had a Turbo through here?

Oh, it's been about
six or seven months.

Six or seven months?

Yeah. I know.

You know, I used to do a
very brisk business with them.

But no more.

Someone's turning them
around north of the border.

You got any idea who's doin' it?

Well, I might...

Rick, this is your brother?

This is his brother. Yeah. Yeah.

A.J.? A.J.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, Rick, you remember
my daughter, the oldest one?


Yeah. She has just
come of age now.

Oh, you're
kidding? Little Anita?

No. She looks magnificent now.

You know what I was thinking?

I was thinking,
maybe your brother

could take her out on a date.

Oh, he'd love to.

Well... You'd love to.

No, really. I think
they'd hit it off.

You know, there are so few
eligible young men around.

Yeah. He's a good kid, huh?

Oh, the best. Are you kidding?

All right.

There's a guy in San
Diego. His name is Stony.

He specializes in Turbos.

He's supposed to
be very, very good.

Okay. You got any idea
how I contact this Stony?

Yeah, you might
talk to Robin Davis.

The fence?

I like to think of him

as a como se dice,
independent wholesaler.


Hey, A.J., see you around' AJ.

Right. Thank you.

Hey! Hey, wait, wait.
What does Anita look like?

Not like Manuel, I hope.

She looks like her mother.

Well, what does
her mother look like?

Um, nice. You know,
a little plump, but nice.

Plump? A little plump?
I mean, how plump?

Would she fit
inside an oil drum?

ANITA: Rick! Rick! Hello!



Just get in the truck!

Get in the truck, will you?

Was that or was that not Anita?


Come on, come on.

You know, bang!

Come on, baby. Go! Go! Go!



All right. Pay up,
you little hustler!


A dollar.

You know what a
dollars’ worth these days?

Two plays. That's it.

Remember those
quarter pinball machines?

Five balls for a quarter?

Look at these things.
Three balls, 50 cents.

Everything in this
joint is 50 cents.

You Robin Davis?

Why don't you let me
know what you want

and I'll let you know if
I'm Robin Davis or not.

Manuel Fernandez
referred us to you.

Manuel! My man!
Yeah, long time, no see.

Where is he now? Ensenada?


Oh yeah, that's right. Tijuana.

Still running his daddy's dry
cleaning business, I bet, huh?

No, the Manuel Fernandez
we know isn't in dry cleaning.

He deals in used cars.

A.J.: Some less
used than others.

That's right, that's right.

So, you guys do know
Manuel, don't you? That's good.

I always like to see Manuel
send a little business my way.

What can I do you for?

DAVIS: Uh, it's one more.

Thank you.

Okay, you want Turbos,
you go see Joey Marcotte.

Hey! Marcotte
Imports? He's a dealer.

I know.

That's what's so sweet
about his operation.

He'll deal them straight
he'll deal them dirty,

whatever the
situation calls for.

Go talk to Joey, tell
him Robin sent you.

Hey, and remind him
it's a two-way street.

He could send a little action
my way, you know what I mean?

Yeah, we'll tell him.

Hey, if there's anything else
I can do for you gentlemen.

I mean, if you want
pocket TV, stereos,

home computers, machine pistols.

You got your hand
guns, your shotguns...

How about a Japanese ten-speed?

Come on, check it out. Hey!


Oh come on, Janet,
it'll only take a few hours.

Besides, Myron will never
even know you're gone.

Oh, thank you. Thanks a lot.

It'll be fun, you'll enjoy it.

Now I know I don't
want to. There's no way.

Rick, that is a
confidential file!

Thank you. That's a nice Janet.

No, wait a minute.

That's a sweet girl. I knew...

Daddy's gonna kill
me. I can't do this.

Hey! Hey! Hey!
What's going on here?

We just need to borrow Janet
for a couple hours, Myron.

Borrow? Janet!

Bye, Daddy.

I forbid you to go
anywhere with these...

Two wonderful gentlemen,

who have nothing but
respect for your only daughter.

Besides, we need her.

We will bring her back shortly.

She's supposed to
be working for me!

Bell, phone call, line three.

Oh, look at this red one.

Oh, Albert, could we
have a red one, please?

Christian, call on line two.


I really like it.

Hi, I'm Joey Marcotte,
can I help you?

Department, pick up line one, please.



This looks like a real tight
little shop, you got here.

You been working here long?

This your car?

Oh, heck, no.

I'd have to rob a bank to
afford one of these babies.

No, I just drove up
from the panhandle.

Need a job.

I worked in a dealership
down there and I kind of figured

this place could benefit
from some of my expertise.

WOMAN ON PA: Joe, you have
a customer waiting in your office.

Mr. Marcotte, can
I be frank with you?

In my office, you can
be anyone you like.


I am a stock broker

for one of the major brokerage
firms here in San Diego.

The biggest.

Well, good for you.

Unfortunately, I have
recently suffered a series of

ill-fated personal investments.

Now, I'm sure that you can
understand, how it is essential

for a man in my
position to, uh...

To maintain a certain image.

Keep up appearances.

A.J.: Exactly.

Now, I am certain that I
could dispel any rumors

about my current
financial difficulties

with the purchase of
an expensive new car.

Well, you've certainly come to
the right place, Mr. Wickersham.

Unfortunately, retail
is out of the question.


Retail is out of the question?

I've been checking
around, Mr. Marcotte,

very discreetly of course.

And I have found

that when it comes
to certain cars,

you can be a very
reasonable man.

Customer service, line four,

Excuse me.

Oh, no, you go on ahead.


Oh, that is something.
Look, I'll tell you what.

I believe that if I
can get in there

and just release that bracket

and slip that little
sucker right in...

Oh! Here we go.

That's just as snug

as a bullfrog in a
lily pad enchilada.

Well, I guess you know
something about cars after all.

Little bit, yeah.

What's your name, cowboy?


Chapman, line four,

I say something wrong?

So you walk around
the lot, see what you like.

Just color options, all that,
then come back and see me.

I'm here all the time.


You're a friend of Robin Davis',

I'll take care of you.

Thank you very much.
Robin said you would.

John Stevens, line two.

Hey, get out of here!

AJ; Why?

That's Stony right there.

Well, have you two wonderful
gentlemen just forgotten about me or what?

No. Here you go. Take a cab.

If it's more than
that, you let me know.

Wait a minute! Rick!


Stony, right?

Hey, come on, take it easy.


Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!

It's all right, it's all right,
ladies and gentlemen,

we're just stunt men
and rehearsing for a show,

and I really think these
guys have done a fine job.

Why don't we give them a hand?

Very good. Good show.
Good show. Wasn't that nice?


A.J.: This isn't working.

I'm gonna go turn on the stove.

No, I can handle this.

I don't like the way
you're handling it.

Now just settle down!

You like to hurt people too
much and you always have.

Now this guy's gonna
level with us, aren't you?

Look, nobody wants to
give you any problems here.

So you boosted a Turbo, okay.

The only thing is you
picked the wrong car.


Get away from there!
That's a $3000 system!

Oh, you shouldn't
have said that.

Hey! Wait a minute!
Are you crazy?

Now what you got to do,

you got to tell us
where the chop shop is.

Nobody has to know
that it was you who told us.

We go in, we get the car,

you go out, steal a new one
and everybody is happy. All right?


What is he doing?

He's a music lover. Now,
where is the chop shop?

How do I know you
guys are not cops?

My brother wanted
to be a police officer,

but he failed one of the tests.

Psychotic imbalance,
they called it.

You know, that's not your fault,

you were born that way.

Are you looking at me?


Now, you cooperate with
me just a little bit here?

Okay, he's all yours.


All right!

It's in a warehouse.


Third and Highland,
on the corner.

Thank you.

Hey. Take him with you.


You know, I never really was
very good with one of these things.

Tell you what, I'll leave it
right here with you, okay?

Have a nice day.



MAN: He's taking the
car! He's taking the car!

Some guy's stealing the car.




Whoo! We did it!

Whoa, I'll say we did. You
should see how this thing handles.

You should've seen the faces on
those guys who were on your tail!


This looks a little fishy to me.

Let's run a make on it.

Oh, come on, girls.
Answer the phone.

Just do me a favor.

Mention our fee before
you tell her we got the car.

Yeah. I'd like to speak to
Christy Huggins, please.


Well, where is she?

A sorority picnic?



All right, look. Would you just
tell her Rick Simon called, please?

It's about her car.

You two step
outside, nice and easy.

Officer, I can explain
everything. I really can. Rick!



Oh, no.


That Turbo was supposed to be
delivered today. This afternoon.

The customer's already
coughed up $8000!

Why didn't you
call the warehouse?

Because, I was tied
to the damn chair!

What am I supposed to do?

Give him his money
back? Tell him I'm sorry?

Hey, give him one off the lot.

Give him one off... Give him...

That's a brilliant idea.

Do you know what I pay
for one of those wholesale?

Do you know what my cost is?

Don't sweat it.

I'll pick up another one
for you, on the house.

How long will it take?

Two, three days...

Two, three... I have
to deliver today!

Hey! Don't yell at me!

He's the one that
got us into this.

He should have known
who those guys were.

Hey, how was I supposed to know?

Manuel Fernandez
sent them to me.

Manuel Fernandez...

Yeah, I thought they were okay,

'cause Manuel recommended them.

Hey, he never sent
me any trouble before.

You get down to Tijuana
and talk to Manuel.

I wanna know who these
guys are, where they live.

Squeeze him, if you
have to. I wanna know.

Hey, hey, Joey, I got
deals cooking of my own.

I don't have time to
go down to Mexico.

All right.

MARCOTTE: How would you
like it, if I put it out on the street

that you don't know the difference
between a mark and a ringer anymore?

How many deals you
gonna have cookin' then?


Where'd they say she was?

RICK: Sorority picnic.

That's nice. Yeah.

I could be hang
gliding right now.

Think how much
safer you are here.

Are these the men you hired
to recover your car for you?


Glad you could make it.

Whoa! Whoa I Whoa!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

I've never been so
humiliated in my life!

Here I am on a
picnic with my friends

and some of my professors

and all of a sudden
this police car comes

to take me away.

I felt like a common criminal!

I don't suppose now
would be a good time

to discuss finances
with her. Do you?

Look, I'm sorry
about your picnic.

Was it my fault that you
weren't near a phone?

We got your car back for you.

You... Your problem is
solved. You ought to be grateful.

I am grateful. Where's my car?

They'll bring it
along any minute.

You ought to be
even more grateful.

Think of what would've happened

if you'd picked Daddy
up tonight without it?

Daddy? Oh, yeah, you're right.

I'm even more
grateful. Thank you.

No, see, I was thinking

that maybe after
you've picked Daddy up,

that you and I
could get together.

Is this supposed to be a joke?

No, see, I was gonna
explain that to you.

That, uh... What
did you do to it?

Well, we rescued
it is what we did.

You're lucky it's here at all.
And I'm gonna take care of this.

By the time you pick up Daddy
tonight, this will be as good as new.

Better than new, right?

Never mind. I'll
take it the way it is.

No! Christy, you can't do that.

See, 'cause you got
to have connections

to get a car like
this painted real fast.

What is that?

Nothing. Just some
notes for a class.

I wanted to make sure
they were still here.

Well, are you gonna
close the door?

Christy, I'm gonna get
your car painted for you.

I am.

Get in.

Come on, darling.

We'll just make a
couple phone calls,

get all of this stuff
straightened out.

It's gonna be all right.

You just sit down
right over here, darling.

Make yourself comfortable.

This won't take but a minute.


Who's in there?

That's the cleaning
lady, never mind her.

Close the door.


Mom, what are you doing here?

I just dropped by to see
if I had sons anymore.

I could've died and been
buried and you wouldn't know.

Unless you read it in
the obituary column.

Que pasa, Mom?

Don't que pasa me.

You boys have something
against washing dishes?

What kind of a...

Oh! Hello, dear.

I'm Cecilia.


Are you a friend or a client?

Friend. Client.

A.J., where are your manners?

Well, aren't you going to
offer Christy something?

Of course. Would
you like something?

Perrier, please.

We just ran out.

CHRISTY: Never mind.

Will club soda be all right?

It's not the same.

No. Of course not.
They just taste the same.

Oye, Manuel! It's Rick.

Rick, where are you
calling from, man?

From San Diego.

Listen, Manuel, I have a friend,

a very special friend,

who needs one of
your fast paint jobs.

One of your special
fast paint jobs.

Do you think you can fit me in?

Sure, for you, no problem.

MANUEL: But you better
get down here right away.

All right. Great, Manuel.
And listen, I'll tell you what...

Tell Anita to put on
her prettiest dress

and while you're
painting the car,

we'll all go out to
dinner at Cuco's, okay.

Sounds terrific. No
problem. I'll see you.

All right. Great,
Manuel. Thank you.


Well, well.

Looks like you can
wait for him here.

He's bringing the car
down to have it painted.

Let's go, hop in.

No, that's all right. I'm
gonna ride with the client.




Hey, Rick! Hey, you
made great time, hombre,


Manuel, Christy.
Christy, Manuel.



A very beautiful young lady.

Are you the owner of the car?




Oh, well, I guess
that explains it.

Listen, why don't
we all go inside?

One of my guys
will bring the car in.

Is Anita here?

No. Not yet.

Well, we meet again, muchachos.



Hi, you called me?

I'm AJ.

I heard you say A.J. I am A.J.

Rick, are you all right?

Who is this?

That's my daughter.
She doesn't understand.


Now, wait a second, Manuel. Why
don't you let her stick around, huh?

You can explain
it to her, can't you?

You can explain it to me.

How much did this jerk pay
you to double-cross me, huh?

He paid me nothing.

He didn't have to pay me.

I'm sorry, Rick.

You brought this on yourself.

You came down here
as a friend, seeking help.

And I gave you the
information that you wanted.

But you forgot to mention
that you were going to interfere

with the business of
a colleague of mine.

You know, a while back,
you would not have done that.

Tell me something.

If you had come here, into
the garage and seen the car,

would you have taken it from me?


We could've made
some sort of arrangement.

Man, I'm very disappointed
in you, my friend.

I went straight.

If this is what it
means going straight,

then I prefer our
side of the law.

Why did you do it, hombre, huh?

Temporary insanity.


Nothing's temporary for
you anymore, cowboy.

From now on, it's all permanent.

What you're going to do now is
you're gonna forget about your car.

You're gonna forget about
these two, forget all about us.

You file your stolen car report,
you collect on your insurance,

you buy yourself a new
car, and you be happy.

You open your mouth
about any of this to anybody

and I'm gonna pay you a visit.

When you least expect it.

I'm gonna be your
own private nightmare.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Can I just get
something out of my car

before you take it?

I don't think you understood me.

You're not here.
Your car is not here.

You haven't seen
your car since last night.


Come on, you drive this
thing, I'll take the Turbo.

These two are gonna
do a little hang gliding.

It's too bad they won't
be awake to enjoy it.


They're not really gonna
hurt them, are they?

Rick and A.J. are grown men.

They knew what they were doing.

I'm calling the police.

No, you're not.

If you don't stop them, I will.

Anita, por favor.

I can't stop them.
Don't you understand?

Oh, I understand.
Rick was your friend.

Those other two,
they're nothing.

You could have
stopped them, father.

If you were the man
I thought you were,

you would have stopped them.

I said, no!


We don't need the police.

We can do this thing ourselves.


This damn sure better look okay.

It's gonna look
like an accident.

A man takes a
flight in a hang glider,

bounces off the cliffs,

falls in the water.
Happens all the time.

Then his brother drowns
trying to pull him out.

Come on, let's get him up.


What's your rush?

You and your brother are
both going to the same place.






A.J.: Rick!

Push the bar forward!

What bar?

Push it forward! What?



Shift your weight!

Use the bar, Rick!

The bar. Keep it down.
Pull it in! Pull it in, pull it in!

No! Keep your nose
up, push it back out.

That's it. Shift your weight,
Rick, shift your weight.

Use the bar.

Use the bar, Rick.
Shift your weight!


RICK: A.J., what do I do now?

Push the bar forward! God!

Just put it in the water, Rick!


RICK: How do I get down?


How do you slow this thing down?



A.J.: She's a blonde, that's it.

You were always a
sucker for blondes.

Dropped a touchdown
pass homecoming,

'cause you were looking
at a blonde cheerleader.

Oh, God!

(RICK COUGHS) Rick. Rick!

Mom? No. It's A.J.


Did they kill you, too?

You're still alive.

Oh, good.


Did you get it? Did you get it?

Uh-oh. You can have it
after I've made a copy.

I'll see you back at Pi Omega.

Well, okay. I'll see you there.

Hey, Christy, wait up.

Don't you want to say

thank you or
something to that effect?

What he really means is,
that this is the point in the story

where we usually get paid.

Paid! For what?

For almost getting me killed?

No, for getting your car back

which is what we
were hired to do.

Nobody ever said
anything about being hired.

Look at that. What
did I tell you, huh?


Where is it?


There was a test in here.

A master copy
for a biology final

that I have got
to take tomorrow.

Where is it?

I didn't see it. Did you see it?

Test? No, no, no. No test.

Test right there
in your car, huh?

Oh, gosh, a test you
got to take tomorrow?



Very funny, you two.

Now, the joke's over.
Now, I need that test.

I'd like to help
you, darling, but...

You know what you ought to do?

You ought to hire A.J. and
me to find that test for you.

That is, after you settled up
your present account, of course.

All right. How much?

Uh, $300, plus $67.43 in
expenses, plus $50 in bribes,

plus any little bonus you
might feel fit to give us

because we do get good results.

Yes, we do.

I'll have to write you a check.

Oh, I think in your case,
we'll just wait for the cash.


There's no big
hurry on it, you know.

Any time you happen to be in
the neighborhood, you just drop by.

Don't push yourself.




Ooh, there she comes.

RICK: Yes, don't I know it.


Are you going to
give her the test?

What test?