Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - RussFest - full transcript
A major event puts PiperNet's capabilities to the test; Monica confronts Jian-Yang over his use of Pied Piper's name.
I am about to sit down
with AT&T,
trying to close
this massive deal,
but that all depends
on getting Hawaii right.
And you would rather do Hawaii
than RussFest?
I would rather...
do my own mother...
than RussFest.
I've made myself the CEO
of YaoNet,
which I'm moving back to the US.
Son of Anton, it's the name I've
given our new inference API.
He can do whatever he wants.
I call for the attorney general
of the state of California
to launch
an immediate investigation
of my conduct as CEO of Hooli.
Enjoy the injunction, thumb ass.
Don de la Renta,
the AG of California,
‐is gonna do what I tell him to do.
‐Why?
'Cause I have dirt on him.
You ready to dump Hawaii
and join RussFest?
It's beautiful.
Boom!
Richard:
And upon entering RussFest,
each attendee will be given
a PiperNet enabled smartphone,
which will give them access to secure
messaging, social, voice, Internet‐‐
So boring, right?
You see the new logo? Huh?
Huh? Check.
One, two, three.
Tres Comas Tequila.
My brand. Dollar sign.
Billionaire.
Russ. Fest!
RussFest.
Right.
No, yeah, it's‐it's
gonna be good. Uh‐‐
‐Yeah, it's gonna be great.
‐Yeah.
Well, uh,
anyway, uh‐‐
Crazy Town's
gonna be there.
So is Puddle of Mudd.
You know Puddle of Mudd?
No.
Fucking Puddle of Mudd!
Dude, listen.
♪ Everything is so blurry ♪
♪ And everyone's so fake ♪
♪ And everyone is empty ♪
♪ And everything
is so messed up ♪
Right? Yeah, you know
Puddle of Mudd. Awesome.
This is a good meeting,
guys, excellent.
I gotta jet. Bye, guys.
Cory, where you at, dawg?
We're really excited about the
possibility of working with you.
Michael:
Cool.
Yeah. So,
uh, what do you, uh...
What do you think,
Michael? Uh, you and us.
AT&T, Pied Piper.
Dealy deal.
Richard,
your tech is impressive,
but we're going with YaoNet,
they're a safe bet.
And by the way,
it doesn't seem like
you're telling your people out
there what's really happening.
‐Hang on‐‐ ‐No. Maybe you can
do a deal with someone else.
‐You know, there's, uh‐‐
‐No, no, we can't, Michael.
Look, we already have
an agreement in principle.
Okay, well, if you have
an agreement in principle,
you can have a disagreement
in principle.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Michael, I'm sorry that you're
missing out on this opportunity.
Honestly, I walk everyone
to their car. Yeah.
What can we do
to sweeten the pot?
You know? Oh, we could
add cashless transactions.
What if everything is
handled on the phone?
‐Right? You use it to swipe into
parties or VIP areas‐‐ ‐Richard,
this is done.
‐Okay?
‐What about holograms?
Okay, this is your last chance.
Are you in or out?
‐Richard: Fuck!
‐That appears to imply out.
Fuck. Fuck it. Fucker.
‐Cockfucker. ‐Richard, people in
there have been working themselves
half to death for
weeks for no pay.
This is not going
to go over well.
I'm gonna wait out here
while you go in and tell them.
I'm not gonna say anything.
If I keep my mouth shut, then there's
still a chance at snaking the YaoNet deal.
But if I tell everyone in there
what's really going on,
we won't make it to RussFest,
and we'll be dead.
‐Is that what you want?
‐That's a fair point.
- ‐That's what I thought. Okay.
- ‐
Let's get back
to work. Let's go.
If this comes out, I'll cover
your ass if you cover mine.
If what comes out?
‐My man.
‐No.
♪ ♪
Oh!
Dodgy gadin,
my merry knights of Piper.
Sir Owen,
doing valiant battle with
the authentication service.
Yes, good. Yeah.
Oh, and prithee, Becky,
my queen,
how goeth
cashless payments?
Russ's pricing keeps
tripping us up.
‐Okay, how so?
‐Well,
this morning, he decided
everyone at RussFest
should be a billionaire,
so every dollar someone
puts into their account
will now be worth
one billion RussBucks.
Zwoons!
So, what, like
a sandwich will be worth
15 billion RussBucks
or something?
Fourteen billion,
nine hundred and ninety‐nine million,
nine hundred
and ninety‐nine thousand,
nine hundred
and ninety‐nine RussBucks
and ninety‐nine RussCents.
Because he thought
that would sound cheaper.
It's kind of screwing
up the interface,
but the whole AT&T deal
is riding on this, right?
We'll get there.
Good. Okay. Excellent.
Well, uh, code like the wind,
my lady. Yeah.
Ho, ho! Good Friar Gabriel.
How dost thou fair with
the ticketing module?
It's gone.
What do you mean gone?
For some reason, Gilfoyle
deleted the whole thing
‐a few minutes ago.
‐What?
Yeah.
‐Gilfoyle?
‐Yes, Richard. I'm aware.
The drone dispatching
code has been deleted,
and I'm working very hard
to restore the right version.
Whoa, whoa. Drone code?
Gabe just told me that the
ticketing module got deleted.
Ticketing, too?
Fuck, that's problematic.
I'll get on that next.
What the fuck is going on?
Based on the amount
of work left to do
and the number of hours
left before the festival,
I decided to
task Son of Anton
to use machine learning
to debug some of our code.
What? Gilfoyle,
are you fucking kidding me?
You gave your AI permission
to overwrite code in
the internal file system?
‐Were you gonna tell me about this?
‐No.
I thought that was
the company policy
‐these days.
‐Okay, well,
your AI just failed,
epically.
That's unclear.
It's possible that
Son of Anton decided that
the most efficient way
to get rid of all the bugs
was to get rid
of all the software,
which is technically
and statistically correct.
But artificial neural nets
are sort of a black box,
‐so we'll never know for sure.
‐Dinesh: Hey, Richard.
Did you order meat?
Like a bunch of meat?
Like 4,000 pounds of meat?
Interesting.
I put Son of Anton on finding
us cheap hamburgers for lunch.
It looks like the reward function
was a little under‐specified.
Okay, from now on,
Son of Anton is banned.
Just write code like a normal
human fucking being, please.
Dinesh:
Hey, Gilfoyle.
So, I've been thinking about your
AI, and its many deficits.
I think Son of Anton's issue might be
how it's handling reward uncertainty.
Your issue may be insecurity,
masked by false bravado
and unisex cologne.
Fuck off. It's not unisex.
♪ ♪
Hey, um,
Richard?
I was curious if you had
a moment to clear the air.
Is this about Holden?
No. Holden's a bitch
and he quit.
No, I‐I wanted
to talk to you
about the Gwart‐shaped
tension between us.
You know, she and I worked
very closely together,
and now she's
working for YaoNet.
She's, essentially,
the enemy,
so it would be fair
for you to have concerns.
I have no concerns.
Okay, good.
Because I don't think
about her, you know,
or if she's hungry
or cold right now,
or if she's still giving most
of her income to Rand Paul.
Richard!
Check it! Okay.
Hologram question.
You told AT&T that the hologram
would be interactive, right?
‐Yes.
‐See, asshole?
My hologram can 100%
dry hump festival‐goers
from behind.
If they ask for it.
Hashtag woke.
All right.
Let's go!
Spidey jump.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Ticketing's
running smoothly.
Mobile purchasing
seems stable.
That's good.
‐Russ. Hey.
‐I fucked up, Richard.
Why did I make one dollar
worth a billion RussBucks?
I mean, everyone wants to be a
billionaire, but they didn't earn it,
so are they gonna feel bad about
themselves? Why would I do that?
‐I guess because I'm an asshole and I wanna
have a bad festival! ‐Richard: No, no, Russ.
Don't worry about it.
Everything is amazing.
‐Yeah?
‐Yeah, I tell you what.
Why don't we see the hologram?
‐The hologram's ready?
‐lt's up.
‐Yeah, let's go see the hologram.
‐Okay, come on.
‐This way. ‐Fuck yeah!
Fucking hologram!
♪ ♪
‐Richard: See? There he is.
‐Russ: Okay.
Yeah, that's
pretty sweet.
Fist bump!
Dry hump!
‐Double guns!
‐
Wait, what's it doing?
Richard,
what the fuck?
Well, uh, uh...
Once more people show up,
the network effect
will take over,
and it will stabilize,
I promise.
Do you swear? Because
one time, I threw a party
and David Copperfield
said it was beat.
‐Promise me that this will not be beat.
‐lt won't be beat.
‐Okay. Okay.
‐Yeah.
I know, I know.
Why did I wear these pants?
Part denim,
part leather.
Pick a lane, Russ.
Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck, I'm gonna
change my pants!
Richard: Jared, what are you doing?
Come on!
Hey, what the fuck is going on?
Russ's hologram is
glitching like crazy.
Dinesh: We don't know.
Everything's lagging:
our apps, third party
apps, transactions.
Gilfoyle: Everything was fine and then
the network started deteriorating.
We should be way closer
to 100% capacity by now.
I'm running diagnostics,
but I haven't found anything.
Also, this trailer
is filled with ants.
Fucking Gabe.
I'm sorry, ma'am,
I don't know anything
about a Pied Piper
girls' coding camp.
Oh, ask Priyanka. That sounds
like her bag of bullshit.
I did,
it's not hers.
I'm sorry. You said
you spoke to an employee
named Eric Bachman?
Mm‐hmm.
Mm‐hmm.
Hey. Give me that.
Hi. Does your Eric Bachman
have a Chinese accent?
Okay. I tweaked the microwave
backhaul antennas.
Did that make any
difference to the...
Is there something
you wanna tell us?
I respect you all?
Maximo: Hello.
I am giving a press conference,
and I am so happy to be in
partnership with Ah‐Tay‐ee‐Tay.
You can surf our
decentralized Internet
like Hawaiian surfers
can surf the big waves.
Whoa. Bombshell.
Michael must've known
they were going with YaoNet.
Did you know?
You knew,
and you added
more features.
Ticketing, banking,
the fucking hologram.
You've had us on
a death march for nothing.
What?
Richard! No.
- ‐Aah!
- ‐
Gilfoyle,
you're being awfully quiet.
‐Did you know?
‐Richard: Now look, guys,
these deals never
really ever close.
Danny:
"AT&T and YaoNet close deal."
That seems pretty
closed to me.
My guys.
How dare you do
this to my guys?
Can we just please have
this discussion later
because right now,
we need to figure out‐‐
We? Who's we?
‐We're out.
‐Yeah.
What? Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
My guys.
‐
‐Gabe...
You can go.
I'll contact you all later
for your exit interviews,
and I'm sorry about the ants.
Well, at least
we all stuck together.
Richard:
Okay. Look,
all the systems are built.
I mean, screw those guys
for leaving. Their loss.
We can still do this
without them, right?
No. Unless
the three of us
stay up 24 hours a day for
three days in a row. Fuck.
Yeah, exactly! Okay.
All we need to do is just
find the bug that's
stalling us and squash it,
just like these fucking ants.
No sleep for three
days straight.
Sweet.
‐Dinesh: Is that Gwart?
‐Oh, no. It's a garbage can.
Dinesh:
No, that's Gwart.
Well, she works
for YaoNet,
so what is
she doing here?
And why does she have access
to the staff only area?
Gwart hates Puddle of Mudd.
She's a Linkin Park girl.
♪ ♪
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
♪ ♪
Big Head! What the hell
is going on here?
‐What do you mean?
‐Jian‐Yang: Who let her in?
I take one
lousy shit...
Jian‐Yang,
what is going on here?
All girls
coding camp.
I support woman.
Mr. Eric,
I'm finished.
"This diet cream helped
my husband lose weight."
He was fat fuck. Now, he not.
"Fi star, the end."
I wrote exactly like
Mr. Eric told me to.
It's very good, Sophie.
Very good.
You're using underage girls
as slave labor for a fake
Amazon review farm?
Yes.
And‐And you're using
the Pied Piper name?
Yes.
It's okay.
I have money.
Girls! Call your parents.
‐Jared: God, that really is her.
‐Richard: What the fuck?
It's sabotage.
Guys, nobody's eating the peyote.
Will you eat the peyote,
and then that'll break the ice
and they'll eat the peyote?
What?
You hate the shorts?
You hate the shorts.
Fuck it.
Just look at my fucking legs!
Let's go. Go.
Richard:
I knew it! I knew it.
Our network's not slowing
down because we fucked up.
It's because YaoNet's here
and they are attacking us.
Is SlipSox even
a real company?
Incorporated a week ago,
no website.
It's a cover.
It's YaoNet!
Laurie is somehow fucking with
our routing to slow
down the network.
But why would they
bother attacking us?
They have the AT&T deal
all locked up.
Unless...
they don't.
If she thinks their
Hawaii launch might fail,
that would be a reason
to try to wipe us out
while they have
the chance.
So, if we can stay alive
till YaoNet fucks up Hawaii,
we could swoop in.
Like a basketball dunker.
‐We're still in this, boys.
‐Jared: All right.
So, let's boot those meddling
bums off of the network.
Enough of this crap!
Yeah. Well, uh,
that's impossible
'cause the whole point
of a decentralized network
is to prevent a single host
from controlling access.
So dictators can't ban
dissidents.
Right now, there's no way to kill them
or stop them throttling the network.
This is why things
are easier in China.
China...
Don't mess with Pied Piper
again, you little fucker.
‐
‐
Hello?
Jian‐Yang! Hey! Hey, uh,
what's going on, boss man?
It's, uh, Richard Hendricks,
from Pied Piper.
How's it going, dude?
Very bad.
My underage girl
slaves all left.
Oh yeah, totally. Bummer.
Well, you'll find them.
Anyway, kind of
a silly question, um...
You know how you stole
the Pied Piper source code?
‐Yes.
‐Yeah, and then you rewrote it
into what is now YaoNet?
‐ Yes.
‐Right, um,
did the Chinese
government, by any chance,
require you to add a back door?
Yes, I have
a SSH key in my house,
‐ written down. ‐Cool!
Wow! Uh...
I don't suppose I could
get that from you.
Uh, it's just that
Pied Piper's in kind of a jam.
Yes. Pied Piper...
Your white witch just
shut down my business.
‐
‐Oh. Okay.
So?
Hey, Richard, what's up?
♪ ♪
Fuck.
Jian‐Yang, please.
‐
‐Monica,
for the last five years,
you have been horrible.
You never smile.
You never kiss me.
I'll never give you
anything you want.
I hate you.
Jian‐Yang,
I need that key.
This key?
Okay, let's...
let's just be reasonable.
‐Gimme it!
‐Shit!
Come on! Fuck!
‐No! Stop!
‐Oh.
Oh my God!
Yikes.
You and I, we could've
run this town,
but you blew it, mister.
A, four, six, capital G,
two, nine, lowercase J,
four, three‐‐
Wait, wait, wait.
Wha‐what are you singing?
Is‐ls that the key?
Key? No. That's just
the letters and numbers
that were on that little sheet of
paper that Jian‐Yang swallowed.
Yeah, for some reason, stuff's really
like sticking in my head these days.
Wait. Big Head, Richard needs
those letters and numbers.
Can‐can you sing it again?
Uh, sure. Yeah.
‐
‐: A, four, six,
capital G, two, nine,
lowercase J‐‐
Wait, do you wanna maybe
call Richard first,
and then I could sing it?
Holy shit! Yes! Thank you!
Richard:
Capital M, capital R...
that's it?
Okay!
Yeah, we're in! It worked!
Thank you. Uh, thanks, guys.
Thanks, Big Head.
All right, YaoNet, SlipSox,
whoever the fuck you are,
you think you can fuck with us?
‐They hung up.
‐Oh.
Yeah.
‐Wait, what the fuck is this?
‐Dinesh: This is YaoNet's server?
Fuck.
It's a honeypot.
What, is that a good thing?
No. It's not.
Run the "file" command.
It's basically
a bullshit shell in case
the Chinese government
actually used the key.
It's like a fake storefront.
Okay, so they have to be
running SSH on a different port.
How do we find
the real one?
We could N‐map it
to check every single one,
but that would
take forever.
Okay. Fuck. Well,
somehow, we have to find
the correct port number.
Wait, what time is it?
One large artichoke,
extra rare,
cup of mayonnaise.
I see you still take
your snack at 3:17.
I know that
SlipSox is YaoNet,
and that you've
infiltrated Pied Piper,
and I know that you're here,
working with Laurie Bream.
No, let me finish.
We didn't end on
the best of terms, but...
when we were together,
I feel like
I really saw you,
the real you.
I saw you, Gwart!
I know you!
No, let me finish.
I have to say this
or I'm never gonna
get it out.
Now, I wish I was asking you
to go for a walk with me
or to watch Magic Mike XL
for the umpteenth time,
but I'm asking you
to give us access to YaoNet,
and not just to save
my company,
but to save my sanity.
Because if I was wrong
about who you are,
then I don't know who I am.
So there you have it.
I've said
all I gotta say, and...
it's up to you now.
I see. So,
Pied Piper's network capacity
is degrading steadily.
Hmm, wonderful.
And their adaptive routing
optimization techniques
aren't helping them.
Hey, guys. Um,
I'm so sorry‐‐
I don't know what you did,
but it worked.
‐Jared: What?
‐Someone just messaged us
the correct port
‐to YaoNet's ad server.
‐Yeah!
‐
‐Really?
Yep. Gilfoyle revoked
all their access,
and is removing their app
from every client on PiperNet.
Richard: In a couple of minutes,
we'll be back up to speed.
Plus, we cloned
their repository,
so we'll just poke around
and see exactly
what they're hiding!
It's a big win
for the Piper boys.
So, Gilfoyle,
how much faster is
our network now?
Zero faster. It's slower,
‐and still degrading.
‐What are you talking about?
About how our network is
slower and still degrading.
We're currently at 60%.
But that's not possible.
Our network's
shit latency
is slowing down
every single purchase.
Look at the bathrooms.
The scanner's aren't working.
Richard: Fucking Russ
and his pay toilets.
Okay, we gotta figure this out
or there's gonna be a riot.
There you
assholes are!
You guys fucking with me?
Did you get my messages?
Uh...
Messaging's stalling, too.
I sent you guys photos of
three different outfits.
Did you hate
them all? Wha...
What's wrong?
Uh, no. Definitely
the second one.
‐I like the second one.
‐You really think
a white guy can wear that
and get away with it?
‐Gilfoyle: Definitely.
‐Dinesh: No.
You know what?
You're right.
Fuck political
correctness.
I'm looking at four
guys that fuck!
Okay, let's rerun
the diagnostics.
Maybe we missed something.
Laurie!
Richard: Laurie Bream!
Well, well, well.
‐Fleeing the scene of the crime?
‐Crime?
You can't win.
Your network is garbage.
And maybe, if you save us
some time by telling us
how you're slowing
down our network,
I won't go to the police.
Slowing down your network?
That would be "un‐tethical."
- ‐Why would I...
- ‐
Oh. Richard...
You do not know.
Know what?
As you correctly surmised,
YaoNet doesn't work.
It does not scale.
‐Ha!
‐However, we did not
come here to attack you,
simply to observe you,
spy on you, if you wish,
in order to see how you
got PiperNet to work,
which, it turns out,
you did not.
Uh, what?
Your compression is inadequate
in the face of bottlenecks
that emerge between
node‐cluster edges.
Pied Piper does not scale.
It is as impracticable
as YaoNet.
‐Fuck.
‐Laurie: Ah, yes.
That can't be right.
Laurie:
And yet it is.
I wish we had plagiarized
more functional code,
and yet it is this technology
that AT&T has purchased,
functional or no.
And with Maximo's
sufficient funding,
we will certainly be
able to weather the storm
until we reach launch,
at which time
it seems likely that AT&T may
deem our business a failure.
However, at this point,
I will have already made
many multiples
on my initial investment.
Ah, I cannot speak
to your backup plan.
Hmm, yes.
Good day, gentlemen.
Well, she's just a hater,
and, no disrespect,
‐but she can eat shit.
‐Dinesh: Yeah,
obviously.
We have to be able to
figure something out.
You'll think of
something, right?
Richard?
Six fucking years!
Six years...
we've wasted!
Building this worthless
piece of shit!
Are fucking
kidding me?!
I'm fine. I just gotta
go to the bathroom.
I don't think
he thought of anything.
‐Yeah!
‐
Go with option one, and I'm
not gonna feel shitty about it.
Right?
Fuck me.
Dinesh: Hey guys, Richard's been
locked in there for three hours.
Should we kick
down the door?
No, let's honor him
with some space.
I'll wait for him to fall
asleep, and then I'll‐‐
I'll lower myself
down through the vent.
‐
‐Dinesh: Would it be a dick move
to ask him for his keys
and then we drive home?
Well, he'd be
abandoned here...
Holy shit.
That's fantastic.
‐What the... fuck?
‐
Hey, you guys?
I did something.
All right, so,
I was, uh,
fiddling around
on Gilfoyle's laptop,
and I was
looking down,
and then I realized
that the solution was
staring at me
right in the face.
Ants.
It occurred to me
that our network is kind
of like a series of paths,
much like the trails ants use
in order to forage for food.
But then, I thought
that we don't need better paths.
We need better ants. You see?
‐Fuck gradient descent.
‐What?
I don't need to use Gilfoyle's AI
in order to improve middle‐out.
I need to use middle‐out
to create a new AI.
A symbolic AI. And now,
it is teaching itself
how to optimize.
So, you fucked around
with Son of Anton's brain,
and then gave him access
to our entire network
infrastructure,
‐while it's still running?
‐Yes.
Richard, that's like asking
a robot to change your tire
while you're driving
on the freeway!
Hold this.
Gimme.
See, go.
This isn't my computer.
‐lt's not?
‐Gilfoyle: No.
And what the fuck is
Son of Anton version 2.0?
What?
‐Huh.
‐You were fucking around
with Son of Anton's
brain before him?
‐Fuck.
‐I have good ideas.
‐
‐
♪ ♪
Sweet mother of God.
Dinesh:
This is not my fault.
I barely touched
Gilfoyle's AI.
‐
‐Richard: What's it doing?
Gilfoyle: I have no idea. I told you,
it's a fucking black box, Richard.
Richard: Do you think
there's gonna be a riot?
Dinesh: Oh, I'm sure 20,000 coked‐up
douchebags will be very civil
when they can't
get food or water.
Gilfoyle: Holy shit,
look at the hologram.
Richard:
Oh my God.
Whoa.
‐
‐
Shit.
‐What did we do?
‐We?
Dinesh:
Is it dead?
‐Am I going to jail?
‐Hey.
I can train you.
Russ:
Hey, fuckers.
Popped a couple of Xanax and
then choked it in the trailer.
Feeling much better.
Went with outfit number three,
black jacquard.
Why is it so dark?
Um, well...
Lights!
Russ: Sweet! Voice command?
That is fucking awesome.
You guys are smart.
Voice command!
What just happened?
Did it work? What...
What just happened?
Gilfoyle:
Holy shit.
Jared:
Wait, is that right?
It's at... 145%?
Now 160%. Okay,
how is this possible?
Our network overhead
must've massively shrunk.
It's insane.
Oh my God. Okay...
My middle‐out,
Gilfoyle's AI,
whatever the fuck Dinesh
‐did to Gilfoyle's AI‐‐ ‐I
basically rewrote the entire thing.
You guys,
it worked.
It‐lt‐lt happened.
‐We‐we‐we did it. We‐we‐we won.
‐Dinesh: It worked?
‐Ah! We did it!
‐Richard: Yeah!
‐Ah!
‐You...
are like the three
musketeers of coding,
except you are
all d'Artagnan.
‐
‐
‐Richard: Wait, wait.
‐Gilfoyle: What?
Richard:
What the fuck is going on?
Dinesh:
He's growing!
♪ ♪
Gilfoyle:
It's beautiful.
Eat a dick, David Copperfield!
Pilot : We hope
you've enjoyed your flight
from Maui to San Francisco
this evening.
Out of the right
side of the aircraft,
you can see the lights
of Las Vegas.
And out of the left side,
you can see...
I don't know what that is.
♪ Let's drink some
champipple, baby ♪
♪ 'Cause it's almost free ♪
♪ Champipple, baby, till dawn ♪
♪ You've got no
pressing engagements ♪
♪ Won't you sit down by me
and drink some ♪
♪ Champipple, baby,
till the champipple's gone ♪
♪ Penny for penny ♪
♪ Pound for pound ♪
♪ If you're getting up ♪
♪ For getting down ♪
♪ Bottle for bottle ♪
♪ Sip by sip ♪
♪ It tastes even better ♪
♪ When it's on your lips ♪
♪ ♪
Pied Piper can help scientists
cure cancer.
‐And cancer is bad.
‐Cancer fucking sucks.
"Hey, I'd like
some cancer, please." No.
We built the single, greatest
network ever in the world.
I would like you to give me
free shares of Pied Piper.
You had plenty of opportunity
to invest.
Yeah,
you could buy a Piper coin.
Monica, two men are talking
of business.
You can find your broom
and fly away.
Gilfoyle is willing
to destroy everything
we've built just to prevent me
from having money.
Your entire life has prepared
you to publicly fail.
You're just failing
to see that right now.
Don't insult me,
I can fail circles around
you losers.
♪
Is this a good thing
or a bad thing?
Someone tell me how to feel.
Jared, bolt the doors.
‐What's in the bag?
‐Clif Bars and a gun.
♪
with AT&T,
trying to close
this massive deal,
but that all depends
on getting Hawaii right.
And you would rather do Hawaii
than RussFest?
I would rather...
do my own mother...
than RussFest.
I've made myself the CEO
of YaoNet,
which I'm moving back to the US.
Son of Anton, it's the name I've
given our new inference API.
He can do whatever he wants.
I call for the attorney general
of the state of California
to launch
an immediate investigation
of my conduct as CEO of Hooli.
Enjoy the injunction, thumb ass.
Don de la Renta,
the AG of California,
‐is gonna do what I tell him to do.
‐Why?
'Cause I have dirt on him.
You ready to dump Hawaii
and join RussFest?
It's beautiful.
Boom!
Richard:
And upon entering RussFest,
each attendee will be given
a PiperNet enabled smartphone,
which will give them access to secure
messaging, social, voice, Internet‐‐
So boring, right?
You see the new logo? Huh?
Huh? Check.
One, two, three.
Tres Comas Tequila.
My brand. Dollar sign.
Billionaire.
Russ. Fest!
RussFest.
Right.
No, yeah, it's‐it's
gonna be good. Uh‐‐
‐Yeah, it's gonna be great.
‐Yeah.
Well, uh,
anyway, uh‐‐
Crazy Town's
gonna be there.
So is Puddle of Mudd.
You know Puddle of Mudd?
No.
Fucking Puddle of Mudd!
Dude, listen.
♪ Everything is so blurry ♪
♪ And everyone's so fake ♪
♪ And everyone is empty ♪
♪ And everything
is so messed up ♪
Right? Yeah, you know
Puddle of Mudd. Awesome.
This is a good meeting,
guys, excellent.
I gotta jet. Bye, guys.
Cory, where you at, dawg?
We're really excited about the
possibility of working with you.
Michael:
Cool.
Yeah. So,
uh, what do you, uh...
What do you think,
Michael? Uh, you and us.
AT&T, Pied Piper.
Dealy deal.
Richard,
your tech is impressive,
but we're going with YaoNet,
they're a safe bet.
And by the way,
it doesn't seem like
you're telling your people out
there what's really happening.
‐Hang on‐‐ ‐No. Maybe you can
do a deal with someone else.
‐You know, there's, uh‐‐
‐No, no, we can't, Michael.
Look, we already have
an agreement in principle.
Okay, well, if you have
an agreement in principle,
you can have a disagreement
in principle.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Michael, I'm sorry that you're
missing out on this opportunity.
Honestly, I walk everyone
to their car. Yeah.
What can we do
to sweeten the pot?
You know? Oh, we could
add cashless transactions.
What if everything is
handled on the phone?
‐Right? You use it to swipe into
parties or VIP areas‐‐ ‐Richard,
this is done.
‐Okay?
‐What about holograms?
Okay, this is your last chance.
Are you in or out?
‐Richard: Fuck!
‐That appears to imply out.
Fuck. Fuck it. Fucker.
‐Cockfucker. ‐Richard, people in
there have been working themselves
half to death for
weeks for no pay.
This is not going
to go over well.
I'm gonna wait out here
while you go in and tell them.
I'm not gonna say anything.
If I keep my mouth shut, then there's
still a chance at snaking the YaoNet deal.
But if I tell everyone in there
what's really going on,
we won't make it to RussFest,
and we'll be dead.
‐Is that what you want?
‐That's a fair point.
- ‐That's what I thought. Okay.
- ‐
Let's get back
to work. Let's go.
If this comes out, I'll cover
your ass if you cover mine.
If what comes out?
‐My man.
‐No.
♪ ♪
Oh!
Dodgy gadin,
my merry knights of Piper.
Sir Owen,
doing valiant battle with
the authentication service.
Yes, good. Yeah.
Oh, and prithee, Becky,
my queen,
how goeth
cashless payments?
Russ's pricing keeps
tripping us up.
‐Okay, how so?
‐Well,
this morning, he decided
everyone at RussFest
should be a billionaire,
so every dollar someone
puts into their account
will now be worth
one billion RussBucks.
Zwoons!
So, what, like
a sandwich will be worth
15 billion RussBucks
or something?
Fourteen billion,
nine hundred and ninety‐nine million,
nine hundred
and ninety‐nine thousand,
nine hundred
and ninety‐nine RussBucks
and ninety‐nine RussCents.
Because he thought
that would sound cheaper.
It's kind of screwing
up the interface,
but the whole AT&T deal
is riding on this, right?
We'll get there.
Good. Okay. Excellent.
Well, uh, code like the wind,
my lady. Yeah.
Ho, ho! Good Friar Gabriel.
How dost thou fair with
the ticketing module?
It's gone.
What do you mean gone?
For some reason, Gilfoyle
deleted the whole thing
‐a few minutes ago.
‐What?
Yeah.
‐Gilfoyle?
‐Yes, Richard. I'm aware.
The drone dispatching
code has been deleted,
and I'm working very hard
to restore the right version.
Whoa, whoa. Drone code?
Gabe just told me that the
ticketing module got deleted.
Ticketing, too?
Fuck, that's problematic.
I'll get on that next.
What the fuck is going on?
Based on the amount
of work left to do
and the number of hours
left before the festival,
I decided to
task Son of Anton
to use machine learning
to debug some of our code.
What? Gilfoyle,
are you fucking kidding me?
You gave your AI permission
to overwrite code in
the internal file system?
‐Were you gonna tell me about this?
‐No.
I thought that was
the company policy
‐these days.
‐Okay, well,
your AI just failed,
epically.
That's unclear.
It's possible that
Son of Anton decided that
the most efficient way
to get rid of all the bugs
was to get rid
of all the software,
which is technically
and statistically correct.
But artificial neural nets
are sort of a black box,
‐so we'll never know for sure.
‐Dinesh: Hey, Richard.
Did you order meat?
Like a bunch of meat?
Like 4,000 pounds of meat?
Interesting.
I put Son of Anton on finding
us cheap hamburgers for lunch.
It looks like the reward function
was a little under‐specified.
Okay, from now on,
Son of Anton is banned.
Just write code like a normal
human fucking being, please.
Dinesh:
Hey, Gilfoyle.
So, I've been thinking about your
AI, and its many deficits.
I think Son of Anton's issue might be
how it's handling reward uncertainty.
Your issue may be insecurity,
masked by false bravado
and unisex cologne.
Fuck off. It's not unisex.
♪ ♪
Hey, um,
Richard?
I was curious if you had
a moment to clear the air.
Is this about Holden?
No. Holden's a bitch
and he quit.
No, I‐I wanted
to talk to you
about the Gwart‐shaped
tension between us.
You know, she and I worked
very closely together,
and now she's
working for YaoNet.
She's, essentially,
the enemy,
so it would be fair
for you to have concerns.
I have no concerns.
Okay, good.
Because I don't think
about her, you know,
or if she's hungry
or cold right now,
or if she's still giving most
of her income to Rand Paul.
Richard!
Check it! Okay.
Hologram question.
You told AT&T that the hologram
would be interactive, right?
‐Yes.
‐See, asshole?
My hologram can 100%
dry hump festival‐goers
from behind.
If they ask for it.
Hashtag woke.
All right.
Let's go!
Spidey jump.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Ticketing's
running smoothly.
Mobile purchasing
seems stable.
That's good.
‐Russ. Hey.
‐I fucked up, Richard.
Why did I make one dollar
worth a billion RussBucks?
I mean, everyone wants to be a
billionaire, but they didn't earn it,
so are they gonna feel bad about
themselves? Why would I do that?
‐I guess because I'm an asshole and I wanna
have a bad festival! ‐Richard: No, no, Russ.
Don't worry about it.
Everything is amazing.
‐Yeah?
‐Yeah, I tell you what.
Why don't we see the hologram?
‐The hologram's ready?
‐lt's up.
‐Yeah, let's go see the hologram.
‐Okay, come on.
‐This way. ‐Fuck yeah!
Fucking hologram!
♪ ♪
‐Richard: See? There he is.
‐Russ: Okay.
Yeah, that's
pretty sweet.
Fist bump!
Dry hump!
‐Double guns!
‐
Wait, what's it doing?
Richard,
what the fuck?
Well, uh, uh...
Once more people show up,
the network effect
will take over,
and it will stabilize,
I promise.
Do you swear? Because
one time, I threw a party
and David Copperfield
said it was beat.
‐Promise me that this will not be beat.
‐lt won't be beat.
‐Okay. Okay.
‐Yeah.
I know, I know.
Why did I wear these pants?
Part denim,
part leather.
Pick a lane, Russ.
Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck, I'm gonna
change my pants!
Richard: Jared, what are you doing?
Come on!
Hey, what the fuck is going on?
Russ's hologram is
glitching like crazy.
Dinesh: We don't know.
Everything's lagging:
our apps, third party
apps, transactions.
Gilfoyle: Everything was fine and then
the network started deteriorating.
We should be way closer
to 100% capacity by now.
I'm running diagnostics,
but I haven't found anything.
Also, this trailer
is filled with ants.
Fucking Gabe.
I'm sorry, ma'am,
I don't know anything
about a Pied Piper
girls' coding camp.
Oh, ask Priyanka. That sounds
like her bag of bullshit.
I did,
it's not hers.
I'm sorry. You said
you spoke to an employee
named Eric Bachman?
Mm‐hmm.
Mm‐hmm.
Hey. Give me that.
Hi. Does your Eric Bachman
have a Chinese accent?
Okay. I tweaked the microwave
backhaul antennas.
Did that make any
difference to the...
Is there something
you wanna tell us?
I respect you all?
Maximo: Hello.
I am giving a press conference,
and I am so happy to be in
partnership with Ah‐Tay‐ee‐Tay.
You can surf our
decentralized Internet
like Hawaiian surfers
can surf the big waves.
Whoa. Bombshell.
Michael must've known
they were going with YaoNet.
Did you know?
You knew,
and you added
more features.
Ticketing, banking,
the fucking hologram.
You've had us on
a death march for nothing.
What?
Richard! No.
- ‐Aah!
- ‐
Gilfoyle,
you're being awfully quiet.
‐Did you know?
‐Richard: Now look, guys,
these deals never
really ever close.
Danny:
"AT&T and YaoNet close deal."
That seems pretty
closed to me.
My guys.
How dare you do
this to my guys?
Can we just please have
this discussion later
because right now,
we need to figure out‐‐
We? Who's we?
‐We're out.
‐Yeah.
What? Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
My guys.
‐
‐Gabe...
You can go.
I'll contact you all later
for your exit interviews,
and I'm sorry about the ants.
Well, at least
we all stuck together.
Richard:
Okay. Look,
all the systems are built.
I mean, screw those guys
for leaving. Their loss.
We can still do this
without them, right?
No. Unless
the three of us
stay up 24 hours a day for
three days in a row. Fuck.
Yeah, exactly! Okay.
All we need to do is just
find the bug that's
stalling us and squash it,
just like these fucking ants.
No sleep for three
days straight.
Sweet.
‐Dinesh: Is that Gwart?
‐Oh, no. It's a garbage can.
Dinesh:
No, that's Gwart.
Well, she works
for YaoNet,
so what is
she doing here?
And why does she have access
to the staff only area?
Gwart hates Puddle of Mudd.
She's a Linkin Park girl.
♪ ♪
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
♪ ♪
Big Head! What the hell
is going on here?
‐What do you mean?
‐Jian‐Yang: Who let her in?
I take one
lousy shit...
Jian‐Yang,
what is going on here?
All girls
coding camp.
I support woman.
Mr. Eric,
I'm finished.
"This diet cream helped
my husband lose weight."
He was fat fuck. Now, he not.
"Fi star, the end."
I wrote exactly like
Mr. Eric told me to.
It's very good, Sophie.
Very good.
You're using underage girls
as slave labor for a fake
Amazon review farm?
Yes.
And‐And you're using
the Pied Piper name?
Yes.
It's okay.
I have money.
Girls! Call your parents.
‐Jared: God, that really is her.
‐Richard: What the fuck?
It's sabotage.
Guys, nobody's eating the peyote.
Will you eat the peyote,
and then that'll break the ice
and they'll eat the peyote?
What?
You hate the shorts?
You hate the shorts.
Fuck it.
Just look at my fucking legs!
Let's go. Go.
Richard:
I knew it! I knew it.
Our network's not slowing
down because we fucked up.
It's because YaoNet's here
and they are attacking us.
Is SlipSox even
a real company?
Incorporated a week ago,
no website.
It's a cover.
It's YaoNet!
Laurie is somehow fucking with
our routing to slow
down the network.
But why would they
bother attacking us?
They have the AT&T deal
all locked up.
Unless...
they don't.
If she thinks their
Hawaii launch might fail,
that would be a reason
to try to wipe us out
while they have
the chance.
So, if we can stay alive
till YaoNet fucks up Hawaii,
we could swoop in.
Like a basketball dunker.
‐We're still in this, boys.
‐Jared: All right.
So, let's boot those meddling
bums off of the network.
Enough of this crap!
Yeah. Well, uh,
that's impossible
'cause the whole point
of a decentralized network
is to prevent a single host
from controlling access.
So dictators can't ban
dissidents.
Right now, there's no way to kill them
or stop them throttling the network.
This is why things
are easier in China.
China...
Don't mess with Pied Piper
again, you little fucker.
‐
‐
Hello?
Jian‐Yang! Hey! Hey, uh,
what's going on, boss man?
It's, uh, Richard Hendricks,
from Pied Piper.
How's it going, dude?
Very bad.
My underage girl
slaves all left.
Oh yeah, totally. Bummer.
Well, you'll find them.
Anyway, kind of
a silly question, um...
You know how you stole
the Pied Piper source code?
‐Yes.
‐Yeah, and then you rewrote it
into what is now YaoNet?
‐ Yes.
‐Right, um,
did the Chinese
government, by any chance,
require you to add a back door?
Yes, I have
a SSH key in my house,
‐ written down. ‐Cool!
Wow! Uh...
I don't suppose I could
get that from you.
Uh, it's just that
Pied Piper's in kind of a jam.
Yes. Pied Piper...
Your white witch just
shut down my business.
‐
‐Oh. Okay.
So?
Hey, Richard, what's up?
♪ ♪
Fuck.
Jian‐Yang, please.
‐
‐Monica,
for the last five years,
you have been horrible.
You never smile.
You never kiss me.
I'll never give you
anything you want.
I hate you.
Jian‐Yang,
I need that key.
This key?
Okay, let's...
let's just be reasonable.
‐Gimme it!
‐Shit!
Come on! Fuck!
‐No! Stop!
‐Oh.
Oh my God!
Yikes.
You and I, we could've
run this town,
but you blew it, mister.
A, four, six, capital G,
two, nine, lowercase J,
four, three‐‐
Wait, wait, wait.
Wha‐what are you singing?
Is‐ls that the key?
Key? No. That's just
the letters and numbers
that were on that little sheet of
paper that Jian‐Yang swallowed.
Yeah, for some reason, stuff's really
like sticking in my head these days.
Wait. Big Head, Richard needs
those letters and numbers.
Can‐can you sing it again?
Uh, sure. Yeah.
‐
‐: A, four, six,
capital G, two, nine,
lowercase J‐‐
Wait, do you wanna maybe
call Richard first,
and then I could sing it?
Holy shit! Yes! Thank you!
Richard:
Capital M, capital R...
that's it?
Okay!
Yeah, we're in! It worked!
Thank you. Uh, thanks, guys.
Thanks, Big Head.
All right, YaoNet, SlipSox,
whoever the fuck you are,
you think you can fuck with us?
‐They hung up.
‐Oh.
Yeah.
‐Wait, what the fuck is this?
‐Dinesh: This is YaoNet's server?
Fuck.
It's a honeypot.
What, is that a good thing?
No. It's not.
Run the "file" command.
It's basically
a bullshit shell in case
the Chinese government
actually used the key.
It's like a fake storefront.
Okay, so they have to be
running SSH on a different port.
How do we find
the real one?
We could N‐map it
to check every single one,
but that would
take forever.
Okay. Fuck. Well,
somehow, we have to find
the correct port number.
Wait, what time is it?
One large artichoke,
extra rare,
cup of mayonnaise.
I see you still take
your snack at 3:17.
I know that
SlipSox is YaoNet,
and that you've
infiltrated Pied Piper,
and I know that you're here,
working with Laurie Bream.
No, let me finish.
We didn't end on
the best of terms, but...
when we were together,
I feel like
I really saw you,
the real you.
I saw you, Gwart!
I know you!
No, let me finish.
I have to say this
or I'm never gonna
get it out.
Now, I wish I was asking you
to go for a walk with me
or to watch Magic Mike XL
for the umpteenth time,
but I'm asking you
to give us access to YaoNet,
and not just to save
my company,
but to save my sanity.
Because if I was wrong
about who you are,
then I don't know who I am.
So there you have it.
I've said
all I gotta say, and...
it's up to you now.
I see. So,
Pied Piper's network capacity
is degrading steadily.
Hmm, wonderful.
And their adaptive routing
optimization techniques
aren't helping them.
Hey, guys. Um,
I'm so sorry‐‐
I don't know what you did,
but it worked.
‐Jared: What?
‐Someone just messaged us
the correct port
‐to YaoNet's ad server.
‐Yeah!
‐
‐Really?
Yep. Gilfoyle revoked
all their access,
and is removing their app
from every client on PiperNet.
Richard: In a couple of minutes,
we'll be back up to speed.
Plus, we cloned
their repository,
so we'll just poke around
and see exactly
what they're hiding!
It's a big win
for the Piper boys.
So, Gilfoyle,
how much faster is
our network now?
Zero faster. It's slower,
‐and still degrading.
‐What are you talking about?
About how our network is
slower and still degrading.
We're currently at 60%.
But that's not possible.
Our network's
shit latency
is slowing down
every single purchase.
Look at the bathrooms.
The scanner's aren't working.
Richard: Fucking Russ
and his pay toilets.
Okay, we gotta figure this out
or there's gonna be a riot.
There you
assholes are!
You guys fucking with me?
Did you get my messages?
Uh...
Messaging's stalling, too.
I sent you guys photos of
three different outfits.
Did you hate
them all? Wha...
What's wrong?
Uh, no. Definitely
the second one.
‐I like the second one.
‐You really think
a white guy can wear that
and get away with it?
‐Gilfoyle: Definitely.
‐Dinesh: No.
You know what?
You're right.
Fuck political
correctness.
I'm looking at four
guys that fuck!
Okay, let's rerun
the diagnostics.
Maybe we missed something.
Laurie!
Richard: Laurie Bream!
Well, well, well.
‐Fleeing the scene of the crime?
‐Crime?
You can't win.
Your network is garbage.
And maybe, if you save us
some time by telling us
how you're slowing
down our network,
I won't go to the police.
Slowing down your network?
That would be "un‐tethical."
- ‐Why would I...
- ‐
Oh. Richard...
You do not know.
Know what?
As you correctly surmised,
YaoNet doesn't work.
It does not scale.
‐Ha!
‐However, we did not
come here to attack you,
simply to observe you,
spy on you, if you wish,
in order to see how you
got PiperNet to work,
which, it turns out,
you did not.
Uh, what?
Your compression is inadequate
in the face of bottlenecks
that emerge between
node‐cluster edges.
Pied Piper does not scale.
It is as impracticable
as YaoNet.
‐Fuck.
‐Laurie: Ah, yes.
That can't be right.
Laurie:
And yet it is.
I wish we had plagiarized
more functional code,
and yet it is this technology
that AT&T has purchased,
functional or no.
And with Maximo's
sufficient funding,
we will certainly be
able to weather the storm
until we reach launch,
at which time
it seems likely that AT&T may
deem our business a failure.
However, at this point,
I will have already made
many multiples
on my initial investment.
Ah, I cannot speak
to your backup plan.
Hmm, yes.
Good day, gentlemen.
Well, she's just a hater,
and, no disrespect,
‐but she can eat shit.
‐Dinesh: Yeah,
obviously.
We have to be able to
figure something out.
You'll think of
something, right?
Richard?
Six fucking years!
Six years...
we've wasted!
Building this worthless
piece of shit!
Are fucking
kidding me?!
I'm fine. I just gotta
go to the bathroom.
I don't think
he thought of anything.
‐Yeah!
‐
Go with option one, and I'm
not gonna feel shitty about it.
Right?
Fuck me.
Dinesh: Hey guys, Richard's been
locked in there for three hours.
Should we kick
down the door?
No, let's honor him
with some space.
I'll wait for him to fall
asleep, and then I'll‐‐
I'll lower myself
down through the vent.
‐
‐Dinesh: Would it be a dick move
to ask him for his keys
and then we drive home?
Well, he'd be
abandoned here...
Holy shit.
That's fantastic.
‐What the... fuck?
‐
Hey, you guys?
I did something.
All right, so,
I was, uh,
fiddling around
on Gilfoyle's laptop,
and I was
looking down,
and then I realized
that the solution was
staring at me
right in the face.
Ants.
It occurred to me
that our network is kind
of like a series of paths,
much like the trails ants use
in order to forage for food.
But then, I thought
that we don't need better paths.
We need better ants. You see?
‐Fuck gradient descent.
‐What?
I don't need to use Gilfoyle's AI
in order to improve middle‐out.
I need to use middle‐out
to create a new AI.
A symbolic AI. And now,
it is teaching itself
how to optimize.
So, you fucked around
with Son of Anton's brain,
and then gave him access
to our entire network
infrastructure,
‐while it's still running?
‐Yes.
Richard, that's like asking
a robot to change your tire
while you're driving
on the freeway!
Hold this.
Gimme.
See, go.
This isn't my computer.
‐lt's not?
‐Gilfoyle: No.
And what the fuck is
Son of Anton version 2.0?
What?
‐Huh.
‐You were fucking around
with Son of Anton's
brain before him?
‐Fuck.
‐I have good ideas.
‐
‐
♪ ♪
Sweet mother of God.
Dinesh:
This is not my fault.
I barely touched
Gilfoyle's AI.
‐
‐Richard: What's it doing?
Gilfoyle: I have no idea. I told you,
it's a fucking black box, Richard.
Richard: Do you think
there's gonna be a riot?
Dinesh: Oh, I'm sure 20,000 coked‐up
douchebags will be very civil
when they can't
get food or water.
Gilfoyle: Holy shit,
look at the hologram.
Richard:
Oh my God.
Whoa.
‐
‐
Shit.
‐What did we do?
‐We?
Dinesh:
Is it dead?
‐Am I going to jail?
‐Hey.
I can train you.
Russ:
Hey, fuckers.
Popped a couple of Xanax and
then choked it in the trailer.
Feeling much better.
Went with outfit number three,
black jacquard.
Why is it so dark?
Um, well...
Lights!
Russ: Sweet! Voice command?
That is fucking awesome.
You guys are smart.
Voice command!
What just happened?
Did it work? What...
What just happened?
Gilfoyle:
Holy shit.
Jared:
Wait, is that right?
It's at... 145%?
Now 160%. Okay,
how is this possible?
Our network overhead
must've massively shrunk.
It's insane.
Oh my God. Okay...
My middle‐out,
Gilfoyle's AI,
whatever the fuck Dinesh
‐did to Gilfoyle's AI‐‐ ‐I
basically rewrote the entire thing.
You guys,
it worked.
It‐lt‐lt happened.
‐We‐we‐we did it. We‐we‐we won.
‐Dinesh: It worked?
‐Ah! We did it!
‐Richard: Yeah!
‐Ah!
‐You...
are like the three
musketeers of coding,
except you are
all d'Artagnan.
‐
‐
‐Richard: Wait, wait.
‐Gilfoyle: What?
Richard:
What the fuck is going on?
Dinesh:
He's growing!
♪ ♪
Gilfoyle:
It's beautiful.
Eat a dick, David Copperfield!
Pilot : We hope
you've enjoyed your flight
from Maui to San Francisco
this evening.
Out of the right
side of the aircraft,
you can see the lights
of Las Vegas.
And out of the left side,
you can see...
I don't know what that is.
♪ Let's drink some
champipple, baby ♪
♪ 'Cause it's almost free ♪
♪ Champipple, baby, till dawn ♪
♪ You've got no
pressing engagements ♪
♪ Won't you sit down by me
and drink some ♪
♪ Champipple, baby,
till the champipple's gone ♪
♪ Penny for penny ♪
♪ Pound for pound ♪
♪ If you're getting up ♪
♪ For getting down ♪
♪ Bottle for bottle ♪
♪ Sip by sip ♪
♪ It tastes even better ♪
♪ When it's on your lips ♪
♪ ♪
Pied Piper can help scientists
cure cancer.
‐And cancer is bad.
‐Cancer fucking sucks.
"Hey, I'd like
some cancer, please." No.
We built the single, greatest
network ever in the world.
I would like you to give me
free shares of Pied Piper.
You had plenty of opportunity
to invest.
Yeah,
you could buy a Piper coin.
Monica, two men are talking
of business.
You can find your broom
and fly away.
Gilfoyle is willing
to destroy everything
we've built just to prevent me
from having money.
Your entire life has prepared
you to publicly fail.
You're just failing
to see that right now.
Don't insult me,
I can fail circles around
you losers.
♪
Is this a good thing
or a bad thing?
Someone tell me how to feel.
Jared, bolt the doors.
‐What's in the bag?
‐Clif Bars and a gun.
♪