Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - Blood Money - full transcript

I will help you by building
an internet of the people

by the people
and for the people,

so help me God.

You said all that stuff
about not collecting user data.

- But I am.
- I just lied to Congress.

Hooli will remain
an independent entity,

even if we have to shed
a few divisions

and trim a little fat.

Gwart has a really good idea,

but she doesn't have
a business plan.

Hi, I'm Jared.



We were able to break down
all of your misdeeds.

This guy is dirty as a dog,
and we got him.

Oh, hell yes.

It's the greatest
data aggregating platform.

And Richard developed it
specifically for us.

- So this morning,
- Colin cut a new build

of Gates of Galloo
to his staging server.

Okay, um, this is Baldereach,

capital city of Galloonia.

Those are some ghoul knights,
wearing gelatinous armor.

This is just the game,
pretty standard stuff.

Well, until I...

turn on the microphone.

How are you doing, Richard?
Are you hungry?



Would you like some pizza?

What the fuck?

He's using our API to run ads
directly in the game engine?

Crazy, right?

Domino's Pizza

in a fantasy medieval universe.

Why, it's enough to make
you wanna go on vacation.

And he's even using
our ability to track sentiment.

Yeah. Even if I say
nonsense words,

it assigns them
an emotional value.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la!

Fuck me. So,

unless we get rid of Colin,
which we can't,

he is going to put
this on our network.

Money just perverts everything.

At this point, I could stand
to be a little perverted.

Yeah, I wanna be
a lot perverted.

I wanna blow money while it
talks to its wife on the phone.

- I wanna suck money... Oh.
- All right.

- Microphone.
- Oh! Uh...

Kittens, puppies,
United Nations!

Richard, is this an okay time?

It's a great time, Jared.

I'm surrounded on all sides
by people who turn on me.

- I can come back.
- No. No, no, it's fine.

What do you got?

What is this?

It's my resignation letter.

I'm leaving.

What?

One gaff with Colin,
and you're just gonna walk away?

It's about so much more
than that, Richard.

I've been agonizing over this.

Not sleeping, not eating...

I completely forgot
my godson's 40th birthday.

Richard,

Pied Piper isn't the same
company that I signed up for.

She has different needs now,

and so do you,

and, it turns out,

so do I.

Okay, Jared...

we are in the middle
of a shit storm here.

I'm trying to handle this
as honestly as possible.

There's a founder
at the hacker hostel,

and she needs my help, and...

once I'm free of encumbrances...

Encumbrances?! Oh! Well,

fuck me, Jared.
I don't want to encumber you.

Okay.

Go to your new boss.
I hope she's not a...

big of a fuck-up as I am, you...

buddy-fucker.

- I'm not a buddy-fucker.
- Oh, yes, you are, Jared.

You are a buddy-fucker.

I am your buddy,

and you are
fucking me. Ergo,

you are a buddy-fucker.

Goodbye.

- Richard, I'm not...
- Goodbye, Jared. Thank you.

I like it how it is.

But it's too warm.

I want it warm.

Okay.

Gentlemen, and lady,

a short time ago,
I reached out to you and asked you

to invest, sight unseen,
in a newer,

leaner, and more focused Hooli.

And invest you did,
guided not by

traditional spreadsheets
or actuarial tables,

but by your own highly
attuned financial...

Gavin, cut the bullshit.

What do we still own?

Mr. Skelton.

As candid and as
forthright as ever.

- Age has not dulled one iota of...
- Gavin.

Of course. I had
prepared a presentation,

but I suppose I can
just skip to the end.

Hopefully, I won't lose you.

Okay...

Confucius, John Lennon,

Nietzsche, Ayn Rand,

Steve Wonder, and here we go!

As you can see,

among the many jewels
still in Hooli's crown

are our exciting
suite of office...

Where is web services?

Well, Mr. Bezos felt it would
fold nicely into his AWS,

so he insisted...

Smart speaker and in-home?

- He took that, too?
- HooliHome was, indeed, subsumed

- by the Amazon Alexa...
- Targeted search?

Ironically, also missing.

But we maintain rights
to the HooliPhone

and its proprietary apps,

the patent for
the Hooli Puck Mouse.

We also maintain our
web-based marketplaces,

including our up-and-coming
lifestyle networking platform,

- Foxhole.
- What the fuck is that?!

Well, Foxhole is a very exciting

web-based exchange,
catering to those in the military,

who are interested in having
extramarital affairs. Gavin,

when do you expect
the eight of us will

recoup our investment?

Ah, yes!
That's my very next slide.

After this one.

Well, with a little luck,

we'll be profitable and up 5X
inside three years.

You got three months,
or you're out.

So, Melanie will take on
all of Jared's

marketing duties,
Gwen will cover biz dev,

and that should take care of it.

Does this scan to you?

- I can see it.
- Okay, great.

- Okay, back to work.
- Uh, Bertram,

while I have you...

You don't have me.

Richard's just tasked me
with streamlining productivity

and balancing headcount.

Can you explain
to me why you have

no one working under you?

It just seems odd considering
that the agile board is showing

that you have a massive backlog.

You're new here,

so I'll forgive
the patronizing tone.

I'm more concerned
with being right

than being fast,

and I don't like dealing
with people. To wit,

- are we done?
- Oh,

you're "that guy."

What "guy" exactly?

The brooding, arrogant guy

who refuses to take orders?

Self-taught coder
who looks down on

anyone who's taken a class.

You're probably an atheist

or something more contrarian.

You claim to be
an anarcho-capitalist,

but you work here and pay taxes.

You've probably read half of
Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon,

and it's about 50/50
whether you own a snake.

His girlfriend owns a snake.

I finished Cryptonomicon,

and you easily could've
just looked in my file.

I didn't need to.

- I'm assigning you five coders.
- Inadvisable.

Noted.

I'll send them over
first thing tomorrow.

If you're going to throw
five randoms under me,

at least let me pick my team.

- Fair enough.
- Good.

- Georgia?
- Mm.

You want to move the entire
company to Georgia?

- Why?
- Well, the Valley's become prohibitively expensive.

Look at these numbers.

If we move to Georgia,

we can save a fortune
and get a further investment.

It's the only way.

Well, I have heard
good things about

the food scene
in the Dirty South.

Stankonia. Freaknik.

Might be nice to be around
more people of color. What?

Not Atlanta.

Tbilisi. The country of
Georgia, not the state.

What?

- Gavin?
- Hmm?

Tbilisi is no doubt
a wonderfully rustic place,

but do you not fear losing
a local presence,

a connection with
the beating heart of

the technology industry?

Boots on the ground,
so to speak.

I think it's wise, sir.

Shit. You're right.

I need to be here
to maintain my relevance.

All right then. Plan B.

You two and the team
will move to Belarus.

If we can get close enough
to the Chernobyl exclusion zone,

it's a buyer's market,

and with the money
we save from substantially

downgrading from Tbilisi,

plus the bigger Belarusian
investment we've been offered,

I'll maintain
a pied-à-terre here in town.

Now, I'll need to rely
much more heavily on you

because you probably
won't see me much.

I'll need you
to guide the troops

and bridge the language gap,

but...

God damn,

I respect the hell
out of you both.

♪ ♪

Are you sure about this? Uh...

Yeah. Yeah, no.

We can't have that atrocious
game anywhere on our network.

- We have to do a raise.
- Well,

it's a terrible time
to do it, but...

I mean, it's your call.

It's gonna have to be
a big number though.

Yeah, good.

I guess we should set up
some meetings, yeah?

- Too time-consuming.
- Let's jump-start the process.

Are you feeling charitable?

Just 39 cents
a day can literally

feed an entire family like this.

Think about it,
then ask yourself...

All right, so this place
is the who's who of VCs,

so let's do a lap,
take inventory,

and we'll start with the biggest
firm, work our way down to...

- Laurie!
- Monica. Richard.

What are you doing here?

The same as you, I suppose.

Eating caviar and...

hacking famine.

- No, I thought you moved to China.
- Mm.

The interesting thing
about moving, Monica,

is that you can do it
more than once. I am back.

You may be intrigued to know

that I have severed ties
with Yao and YaoNet.

So, you're going back to VC?

Oh, no.

You misunderstand.

I have severed ties
between Yao and YaoNet.

Yao has been exited,
and I have made myself

the CEO of the company,

which I am moving
back to the US,

and in order to make it
sound more American,

I am renaming it

"YaoNetUS."

Wait. So, you're
launching here?

Yes, and with those
Chinese out of the way,

I can finally be more
ruthlessly efficient.

Speaking of,

excuse me.

- What? Are you fucking kidding me?
- Richard,

relax, okay,
she's got inferior tech,

she's got no developers.
You remember when

she tried to run Eklow?
She's gonna last a week as CEO.

I mean, look at her.
She's desperate.

She's already
in total flirt mode.

I do believe with
proper management...

She needs money just like we do.

Let's just worry about us, okay?

I will introduce you,
and just...

let me do the talking, okay?

Don't speak until...

Richard Hendricks
from Pied Piper.

- Eric Rivera, Graves Partners.
- Oh.

I saw your
congressional testimony,

and I thought, man,

I really need
to talk to that guy.

Oh, you did? Huh, cool.

Yeah. I mean,
you committed

to a really bad business model,

on national TV.

I guess I just wanted to know,

what the hell were you thinking?

I mean, picking a fight
with Facebook is one thing,

but shitting on Google
and Amazon at the same time,

in front of TV cameras?
What was going on in your brain?

And-and Hooli. I-I shit
on them, too, so...

I mean, we're all sitting in
front of the TV in our office,

thinking this is
the dumbest man in tech.

And then we talked about it,
and we realized, hang on,

- that is totally unfair.
- Yeah, you did? Good.

Yeah, because, I mean, you were
subpoenaed, right? You were under oath?

- What were you supposed to do?
- Technically, I don't...

You weren't...
you weren't under oath?

Mm, I don't think so.

Are you kidding me?

Wait. Karl, Ben! Come over here.
You gotta hear this.

We were wrong, man!
Tell them what you just told me.

Hey, um...

Richard Hendricks,
from Pied Piper, yes?

Uh, no.

Maximo Reyes.
I am an investor from Chile.

Wow, I gotta tell you,
it is an honor to meet you, man.

Truly, I am such a big fan
of your technology.

Wow.

- What, like, really, or...
- Of course. Hi.

We are shaking hands.

Correct?

But I'm sure you have more
important people to talk to,

you know, and, you have
made it painfully clear

that you do not want
me as an investor, so...

No, h-hold on. Wait, I-I-I made it clear?
When did I...

Oh no, not you personally,
but I spoke with somebody

from your company many times.

Uh, Yarez?

Yarez?

Y-Yarez Dun...

Yarez... Oh!

- Jared.
- Yes!

- Whatever...
- Potatoes, potatoes.

Well, uh, Yared doesn't really
work with us anymore, so...

- Oh, wow. Well, then.
- Yeah.

Look at you and me.

We are talking.

Have you ever had
a Chilean terremoto?

- Denpok, got a minute?
- Yes.

I may have a way
to keep us here in the US.

Talk.

Are you familiar with CIFIUS?

Yes.

No.

The Committee on Foreign
Investment in the US,

or CIFIUS,

is a federal agency
that has wide latitude

to prevent American companies

from doing business
with foreigners,

if there's a national
security threat.

Are you familiar with
the dating app Grindr?

No.

Yes.

Last year,
CIFIUS reversed the sale

of Grindr to Chinese investors.

They ruled that the sexual
and HIV status of US citizens

was something
they needed to keep

out of the hands
of foreign interests.

- I understand.
- This morning,

I was on the user
database of Foxhole,

when I happened upon
a familiar face.

Four-star General Hanley Barris.

That is not his face.

No, it is not.

But as a four-star general,

he could anonymously
compel CIFIUS

to prevent Foxhole
or its ownership

from moving to foreign soil.

No more Belarus?

I think General Barris would
be very keen to keep

this type of material
out of the hands of

foreign interests, and by that,

I mean his wife, Yekatarina.

♪ ♪

Hey! What happened
to you last night?

Oh my God, you reek of booze.

Were you out all night?

Monica...

- I got lucky.
- Didn't need to know that.

No, no, I got even
luckier than that.

Tell me, did you know that
the national tree of Chile

is the piñoner?

Also this,

- do you know who Maximo Reyes is?
- Yeah.

The richest man in Chile.
Well, I saw that very tree

in the middle of
his living room,

and he let me climb it.

You met Maximo Reyes

and you went to his house?

Yeah, and he showed me
his art collection,

and we drank a number
of terremotos,

which are...
fucking disgusting.

Anyway, I may have convinced him

to give us enough money

to get rid of Colin.

Wait, what?

I casually floated 50 million,

and he didn't even bat an eye.

Richard...

There's a reason Jared
tried to ditch this guy.

- We cannot take his money.
- Why not?

Did he tell you
where he gets it from?

How his grandfather was the chief
of secret police under Pinochet?

About how they ran their mines?

They were basically
slave traders.

He can't really be all that bad.

I mean, he really,
really likes Pied Piper.

Look, we cannot
take blood money.

You thought selling
ads were bad?

These guys executed
people in soccer stadiums.

I was open to it at first,

but Jared was adamant
and he's right.

Fifty million sounds great, but it's an
awfully low price to pay for your integrity.

Fuck.

Look,

I know Colin is a sleazebag,

but at least he's temporary.

Okay, Maximo is
a thousand times worse,

and he would be permanent.

Of course.

He just e-mailed me
the term sheet.

I don't even wanna look at him.

Just forward it to me.

- I'll take care of it.
- Thanks.

I know that this sucks,
but I promise you,

you're doing the right...

Fifty million?

Do you remember
when I was offered 10?

Richard.

Hmm?

It's not $50 million.

Is it more?

It's a billion, Richard.

A what?

He just offered us
a billion dollars for 10%.

Fuck.

You're already
holding a cigarette.

♪ ♪

Mr. Gilfoyle!

- Yes, ma'am?
- Is this your new team?

It is.

Five people, as you requested.

- That man over there?
- Ken.

- Isn't he the coffee guy?
- Barista. Yes.

And Joyce was
watering the plants.

Mona was working security.

Dan and George,
they were painting the lobby.

Until today.

Which reminds me,
they all need to change

their Linkedln status to...

"placaters of
middle management."

I'll be honest,
this is sort of a first.

And here you thought
I was just...

"that guy."

You know, Mr. Gilfoyle,
you're right.

You're not "that guy,"

because at the seven companies
I've helped take public,

every other "that guy"
accepted their limitations,

took on a team, and managed
to get their work done.

Some of them are
now billionaires.

None of them
would've gotten into

a dick-measuring contest with HR

when they were two weeks behind.

So, lucky us,

I guess you're unique.

♪ ♪

You know, Gilfoyle,
when I first heard the phrase

"dick-measuring contest,"
I thought it was a contest

to see who could
measure the most dicks.

But it isn't,

is it, Gilfoyle?

Is it a typo?
Maybe it's a typo.

It's not a typo, Richard.
It's spelled out in the offer.

One billion dollars,
in one lump sum.

Okay, what do I do?

- I don't know.
- Oh. Okay, well,

Jared had you pretty convinced
that this was evil money.

It's a billion fucking
dollars, Richard!

Okay, so does that make
this less evil or, like,

- way more evil?
- Ack!

Do not touch.

It's an e-sign.
You touch that button, it's over.

Tell me what to do.

Monica, this is your job!

Look, when my sister

got pregnant her freshman year of
college, I said get an abortion.

Well, now my niece, Dakota,
who is very much with us,

calls me "Aunt Abortion."

I'm sorry.

You are the CEO, this is on you.

Well, I gotta talk
to Dinesh and Gilfoyle.

No, you can't talk
to those animals!

You say a word
to anyone out there,

and this whole company turns into
Lord of the Flies in five seconds.

It's a billion dollars, Richard.

I'm sorry. You're on your own.

Monica...

Richard, there is
a major emergency.

Gilfoyle is using the
barista as one of the coders,

so I tried to use the
cappuccino machine on my own,

and I don't know if, like,
the frother knob is, like,

jammed or something,

but it's, like, not working.

So, there is no froth,

at all, for anybody.

So, can you get on that?

- Yeah.
- Okay, great.

He's on it!

It's really a shit sandwich.

They've been in there
for a while.

Wonder how it's going.

General Barris. Is it done?

- Wonderful.
- Say hello to your wife for me.

Gavin! How was the meeting?

♪ ♪

Aah! Fuck!

Richard?

Huh? Yeah.

What are you doing here?

Do you have a second?

Yeah, yeah. Come on in.

I know you tried to keep
Maximo away from me,

but one thing lead to another
and-and now this.

- That is quite an offer.
- Yeah.

So, what do I do?

Look, Richard, I know you said
Monica's checked out on this,

but... this is kind of
a monumental Pied Piper matter.

I think you should get advice
from somebody within the company.

That's why I'm here, Jared.

That's you.

You gotta come back.

- Richard...
- I-I know

your job changed over time,

but we can undo that.

You know, restructure your role,

move you upstairs
so you're closer to me.

Whatever it takes
to make it work.

Come on, think about it.
We'll be...

a pair of boys,
back in business.

Richard, it's too late.
I mean,

you know, you let me go,
so I took the job here

- with Gwart, and...
- So?

Go inside and tell
Gwart you're leaving.

Well, that's not
how loyalty works.

I mean, that wouldn't be fair.

Fair?

Years ago,
you came to this house,

begging me for a job,
and I gave you one.

In fact, I made you COO.
And now,

when I need you the most,
you stab me in the back,

and you have the balls
to lecture me about loyalty?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I was right.

You are a buddy-fucker.

- Please stop saying that.
- Buddy-fucker.

Stop saying that.

And-and-and please
just leave this house,

- or I can't be held responsible for my behavior.
- Oh yeah?

What are you gonna do,
Jared? Huh?

You gonna buddy-fuck me?
'Cause that's what you do

- to your buddies now, isn't it?
- Get out.

Oh, Gwart. No, no, no!
That's too much sun.

Oh my God.

This is Gwart?

Richard...

- This is who you're walking away for?
- Richard, do not.

She's your new little
code girlfriend?

- Don't.
- This, uh...

- Don't.
- This googly-eyed...

- No, no, no, no...
- Yoo-hoo drinking...

- No!
- Oh my God.

Oh, okay, okay,
okay, look, I'm sorry!

- No.
- All right.

I oughta knock your teeth,
you bitch-made motherfucker.

I-I-I... I didn't mean it.

I was state-raised!

You think I'm scared
to catch a case

- of some bullshit?!
- I-I'm sorry, Jared!

I didn't mean it, okay?
I'm sorry, Gwart.

- I didn't mean it!
- You keep her name out of your skanky little mouth,

you little, little bitch!

Hey! Hey! Hey! This is
a place of business...

Oh my God. Don't shoot me!

Jared!

- Jared! Aah!
- Dope-led, peckerwood motherfucker!

- Jared! Jared, no!
- Get checked in, hoe!

Oh, Jesus!

You wanna dance on
the blacktop, homie?!

You did this, Richard!

Aah!

Ow, what the fuck?

♪ ♪

Mr. Gilfoyle! You wanted
to see me before I left?

Yes, Tracy, I did.

I wanted you to be here when I
push my entire backlog of code.

You finished all of it?
In just 24 hours?

I did, all by myself.

I'll take that apology now.

Mr. Gilfoyle, you said
that I had to choose.

You said I could have it fast
or I could have it right,

but I just got it
fast and right,

and all I had to do was
threaten your manhood

by assigning you other coders.

It worked at seven
other companies,

and it obviously worked here.

We're back on schedule!

Now, why would I be
sorry about that.

♪ ♪

I respect your skills.

Thank you.

See you in the morning.

And now, we are both holding

- a whiskey.
- Yes.

Um, Maximo, I wanna apologize

for coming over
here unannounced.

And I wanna do
this deal with you,

but... Jesus...

Richard, you have some
concerns because of my family.

I mean... yeah.

Richard, do you see
these photographs?

Now, these people,
a lot of them children,

used to work for my father
in my family's mines.

Now, I keep them
here as a reminder

of the many, many
mistakes my father made.

I want to fix those
mistakes, Richard.

By investing in you
and your company,

I'll be able
to start doing that.

Do you really believe that?

Richard, we are going to change
the world, you and I.

Shit! What was that?

Ah, the birds. You know,
they're attracted to the tree,

so sometimes, you know, kapffft!

What are you gonna do?

- To rectifying the mistakes of my father.
- Sure. Yeah.

The fool who allowed
the workers to unionize

and ask for higher wages

and more expensive hospitals.

- We...
- Uh, sorry. What was that?

Yes. My grandfather,
he built a great fortune,

but then my idiot father
almost gave it all away.

But not now, though.
Oh no.

Now, I mine copper,
cobalt and diamonds,

and now, thanks to you,

data. Gracias.

Uh, no. No, what?

No, we do not...

Oh my God!

Uh...

No, we...

We will not mine user data.

I was very clear about that.

But you do.

Richard, did you not tell me

when we were sitting
on my tree, bonding,

that there is a man in
your network right now,

using a tool, that you built,
in order to mine user data?

No. That is coming to an end.
That doesn't happen anymore.

Richard, please. Cheers.

To our future
endeavors together.

Maximo...

we will never collect
and monetize user data.

Ever.

Then why would I give you
one billion dollars, Richard?

Look at me. I am not
a fool like my father.

You are turning this into
a dick-measuring contest.

Please don't,
because I assure you,

it will be I
who measures the most.

Are-are you threatening me?

Take my money, Richard.

It'll be very good for you,

and very good for me.

But if you do not take
my money, Richard...

oh, it will be very bad for you.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You know I talk
to my baby ♪

♪ Like a mother
talk to her kid ♪

♪ You know I love that woman ♪

♪ But I just can't
keep it hid ♪

♪ She got
the devil in her ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ That woman got
the devil in her... ♪

Richard, it's Maximo.

We are on the phone.

Let me tell you what is going
to happen to you next.

All I wanted to do
was be a golden millionaire.

A millionaire that gets peed on?

I could see you making half
that happen.

Can I be honest with you
for once?

For once?
You're my attorney.

You're out of options.

- Holy shit.
- We could buy Hooli.

Take your marks.

I still got it, Hoover.