Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Tech Evangelist - full transcript

Jian-Yang, are... Are you copying

all those companies
for the Chinese markets?

Oh, no.

Are you suggesting that

someone in here is leaking
info to Gavin Belson?

Tell me about these... fridges.

It's a company secret.

Do you want to save a fortune, or not?

Well, yes.

In exchange, I need you
to do something for me,

with regard to the people
who hacked your refrigerators.



I'm going to destroy their lives.

Jared, do you think
it's... time we hire a COO?

You're 20-30 pounds underweight.

Don't worry about him.

We're gonna find you a much better COO.

You want the job?

All right... Ugh. All right.

Okay, everybody, um, thanks for coming.

Uh, sorry about the venue.

We had a minor security issue.

I didn't feel comfortable

hosting you guys at... at our offices.

But, hey, at least out here,

we don't run the risk



of running into anyone
from the tech industry.

Yeah, they're all so old.

- But they look so happy.
- Yeah.

It's weird.

I don't understand it either.

Anyway, I wanted you guys to meet,

because despite being a very diverse

and talented group of
young web developers...

Goodscape, huh? Social coding platform.

Tholio, analytics firm.

Plucky, music streaming.

FirstSight, dating site.

Gay dating site.

Okay, technically, you're a dating site,

but specifically, a gay one.

Which is a subset, so I'm not wrong.

Anyway, uh, despite all our differences,

we all have one thing in common, right?

A signed agreement with me

to build and launch your websites,

not on the tired, bloated, old web,

but on the new Internet of the future.

The Pipernet.

Which is why, from this day forward,

I'm going to be naming the eight of you...

the OctoPipers.

Until something better, TBD.

So when can we tell people?

Soon! Actually, very soon.

Uh, next Tuesday, Gavin Belson is, uh...

launching his Box Three.

So, um, the day before,

we are going to announce our
partnerships with you all,

and beat him to the punch.

Shit. He's gonna be super pissed.

He's really gonna come after us.

Yeah, he is, but fuck him.

Not butt fuck him.

- Just...
- You don't have to explain

that kinda stuff. I-I know what you mean.

Yeah, I know. Look... look.

As long as we stick together,

and support each other, we can crush him.

Because what we are doing is amazing, okay?

We are building the
world's first truly open,

truly free de-centralized Internet.

And I tell you what, I got a
sneak preview for you guys, okay?

Because as of this morning,

- messaging is live.
- What!

- Cool.
- Yeah.

Really? So cool!

So...

right now, I will send to you all

the very first message

ever to be sent on a de-centralized,
peer-to-peer Internet.

Ready?

"Hit her."

I don't get it. Are you talking about me?

I meant to say "Hi there."

Well, it definitely says "Hit her."

I'll try it again. There's a new one.

There. "Hi there."

"Hi there, Hitler."

Goddammit.

Hey, Richard?

You don't have any issue with us

being an exclusively gay site, do you?

What? No!

No, it's... It's totally cool.

Oh! Wait a minute, no, I
don't mean you are anti-gay.

I mean the opposite. Like, are you worried

that we're excluding straight people?

Oh. I just remember you said,

you want your new Internet
to be open for everybody,

and, you know, I just want to make
sure we're jibing with your vision.

Deedee, we are psyched to have you aboard.

Exclude all the straight people you want.

- You sure?
- Yep.

Because we're not snobs about it.

I mean, between you and me,

I'm dreadfully boring.

I might as well be straight myself.

I've been with the same
man for seven years.

I go to church every Sunday.

Look, it... it's all good.

FirstSight is a gay dating site.

And... and I will sing
it from the rooftops.

Alright, well, thank you, Richard.

I think this is gonna be great.

Cool.

Yeah. Okay.

- Don't be weird.
- I didn't know what we'd be doing.

So...

everybody is very psyched.

You know who else is
psyched? I'll give you a hint.

They have four thumbs, and
they are these two guys.

- I am very excited.
- I am giddy!

Okay, what... What happened?

We found the mole.

- What?
- Yeah.

Who? How?

Good old-fashioned police work.

I skimmed through all 40,000
of the staff's outgoing emails.

- Yeah?
- And in addition to learning

that we need to revise
the office dating policy,

because it is, essentially,
the Olympic Village out there,

I learned that someone has been sending

a number of encrypted messages

but using Gilfoyle's purloined NSA tools...

I can't hold this smile forever,
Jared. Get to the good stuff.

One of our coders has been sending info

straight to Hooli High Command.

Wow.

How the fuck did the mole
get all this information?

By exploiting our most glaring weakness.

You were working as a waitress

In a cocktail bar

When I met Jeff

No, no, no. You guys have it all wrong.

Okay? There's no way Jeff is the mole.

Okay? It's not Jeff.

Right, Jeff?

Jeff?

What about Dave & Buster's, Jeff?

What about that time I
got a bullseye in Skee-Ball

and yelled out, "Bazinga!"

And you said, "Okay."

You can't fake enthusiasm like that.

Well, I did.

You Judas.

You cow-handed poltroon!

We... We thought you were a Stallion!

You're no Stallion.

What is it with you guys and stallions?

What's with you being a rat fuck?

You signed a very aggressive
Non-Disclosure Agreement...

which you are in breach of.

Which means, we can fire you, obviously,

and then have you arrested,
and thrown in jail.

But Gavin would then know we are on to you,

so here's the deal.

You're gonna come into
the office every day,

and sit down at your fucking workstation,

and pretend like nothing's wrong.

Fine.

Uh, that was mine.

Bummer.

"The irony is, the
Internet, which we all use

"to search for billions of things,

"has itself long been
searching for something.

And here it is."

Okay, then I turn and gesture.

"The Box Three.

Signature Edition."

Then I come back to the podium.

"I put my name on this,

"because I personally stand behind

"the new SAS-slash

SSD-slash-NVMe
drive bays,

"the 24-core processors.

"I stand behind the ECC DDR4

SD-RAM
LR-DIMMs

"and their exceptional reliability.

Will you stand with me?"

About the spotlight, should it be wider?

- I had the same thought.
- As did I.

- I can speak with the technical team.
- Please.

Any word from our mole at Pied Piper?

I'm confident that if there
were anything to report,

we'd have heard about it by now, sir.

Alright!

I'm off to Jackson Hole for a
couple of days to clear my mind,

and center myself.

I'll be off the grid. Not to
be disturbed for any reason.

- Understood?
- Absolutely.

Is there anything else you'd
like us to take care of? Oh.

Oh. The bear is sticky with honey.

See ya soon.

"The bear is sticky with honey."

What does he mean by that?

I don't know.

Hello, Stallions.

You continue to be the best of the best.

I commend you.

And then there's you.

The anti-Stallion.

Move your hand off your fucking mouse, now.

And I was going to take you
to see BattleBots live with me,

but no longer... "friend."

Now who looks stupid?

Yeah, so, um...

our new developers just
agreed to our terms,

and are now officially on board.

Richard is a master at getting consent.

That's great news, guys.

Eight new partners.

Yeah! Actually, we're
calling them the OctoPipers.

Uh, until a better name comes along.

Just wanted to give that
one its day in court.

Well, we have some more
good news for you, Richard.

You remember last year,

Laurie and I funded K-Hole Games?

Largest independent gaming
company in the Valley?

Uh, yeah, of course!

Um, actually, now that
you... you bring them up,

I-I didn't want to be too forward,

but I was hoping that one day,

we could talk to them
about joining our 'net.

Well, what if I told you that day is today?

What?

In addition to being business associates,

the CEO and I take medically prescribed

and supervised MDMA together.

I'm taking it for severe
post-partum depression.

I do not know why he is taking it.

Regardless, when I saw him yesterday,

he was quite euphoric about
speaking to you regarding a deal.

K-Hole? The creators of the game

"Undead Sex Offender"?
They're... they're huge.

Yeah! Yeah, partnering with a
company of that size this early

would put us months ahead.

This is not a done deal.

K-Hole is protective of its brand.

They will want to speak to you

regarding who else you are dealing with.

Okay, right, well, um...

why don't I just bring the OctoPipers?

New name to come, though it's
pretty popular around here.

Uh, they can talk to K-Hole.

Tell them why they joined.

Allowing you to speak less?

Good strategy. Alright.

K-Hole will be expecting
you this afternoon.

Knock 'em dead, Richard.

Whatever you are doing, stop it now.

Um, yeah. We're just... high-fiving.

Bye.

K-Hole. I can't believe it!

I'm bursting. I'm bursting!

Um, here, I printed driving directions.

Oh, it's okay, I got my phone.

Well, I have marked available
bathrooms along the route.

Okay, here we go.

Richard, you never return my calls.

You mean the hundreds
of voicemails you've left

where you just called me a
terrible CEO with no dick?

Yes! You're talking to other companies.

That is not public information.

I'm a part owner in Pied Piper.

You need to make a deal with my companies.

You mean your incubator's
spurious knock-offs

of legitimate American businesses?

"New Expedia," "New
Snapchat," "New Zillow"?

But they're for Chinese market.

It's a very sophisticated strategy.

Okay, look, taking existing companies

and just calling them "new"
isn't sophisticated. That's theft.

You make a new Internet.

That is different.

I... Look, we're not gonna make any deals

with any of your companies, okay?

Don't pick up.

Richard, hello.

It's Jian-Yang.

You are a shitty CEO.

As long as I own 10% of Pied Piper,

I will make chaos.

Okay.

I thought you hated that car.

Aviato car smells like a dead pig.

You're aware that Russ Hanneman
urinated in that car, no?

This car?

Mm-hmm.

Uh...

- are you just gonna leave it here?
- Yes.

Well...

looks like I have a reason to find

Pied Piper's official towing company.

I'm gonna get some bids.

Yeah, while you're at it,

see if you can find someone
to bash that guy's face in.

Uh, I-I can do some research.

Maybe turn your phone
off during the meeting.

You're a shitty CEO!

Thanks again,
Colin, for having us.

Uh, the fact that a company like yours

with such a pristine reputation
it sitting down with us

is, honestly, incredibly flattering.

It's cool.

Ooh, wow.

- That'll be a closed casket.
- Yeah.

Alright, well, we thought the best way

to introduce the Pipernet

would be through the eight developers

that have already signed on.

Who we are calling the OctoPipers.

That's dumb.

Um, anyway, let's
introduce you to the group.

Um, we've got a great analytics tool

by a former Google guru.

- Wish I'd have thought of that one.
- Cool.

Uh, music streaming with
an AI taste predictor

that is off the charts.

Good space.

Yes, and this handsome devil over here,

is creating a very
promising gay dating site.

That's cool.

Yeah, but don't worry,
he's not snobby about it.

He's actually pretty boring.

I don't mean that as an
insult. Those are his words.

Long-term relationship.
Doesn't smoke, doesn't drink.

And him and his man go
to church every Sunday.

So...

loves Bible studies, right?

Just a straight-up boring, ordinary guy,

but obviously not straight.

Very gay, and also a Christian, right?

Okay, so, that went well.

It started out a little weird,
but things really picked up...

Why did you do that?

- Why did you say that?
- Say what?

Richard, you just told a
room full of tech people

that I'm a Christian.

Oh.

Okay, but... But you are, aren't you?

Yes, but I told you that in confidence.

I said "between you and me."

I'm not openly Christian.

Thanks a lot, man.

You just outed me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Deedee. I didn't...

Okay, um, should we hug?

I can not make it weird this time.

I'm... I'm sorry, Richard.

You know that my default position

is blind support of whatever you do, but...

this was not your best moment.

Guys, it can't be that
big of a deal, right?

Why should it be?

America loves Christians.

Muslims are the enemy.

Well, that's true in most of America,

but not in Silicon Valley, sadly.

"Sadly"? You can be openly polyamorous.

And people here will call you brave.

You can put micro-doses
of LSD in your cereal,

and... and people will call you a pioneer.

But the one thing you
cannot be is a Christian.

I find their theology to be illegitimate,

and it's clear that they are the source

of the majority of the world's problems.

But, fuck, Richard, even I wouldn't just...

out a Christian like that.

Yeah, it was kinda fucked up.

Cool man, thanks.

Hey, I thought
he wasn't supposed to chime in.

Yeah, he's not, but...

based on its merits, I'll allow that one.

Guys, come on.

It can't be that bad.

Richard!

What the fuck did you do over there?

So I just got off the phone
with Colin over at K-Hole,

and while he loves your tech,

he's considering blowing up the deal.

What?

Just because one of my CEOs is Christian?

It freaks people out in the Valley!

Okay, so what do you want me to do, Monica?

You want me to drop Deedee
just because he's Christian?

The company's not Christian. It's gay...

which is fine, right?

Yeah! No, that... That plays great.

Look, cutting all ties
to Deedee and FirstSight

will definitely send a
strong message to Colin.

And it might be the only way.

Like killing somebody to
prove you're not a narc,

or showing a john your genitals

to prove you're a
legitimate male prostitute

and not an undercover cop.

- What?
- Because cops aren't allowed to do that.

And worst case scenario,

the john walks off with a free peek.

Oh, that's the towing company. Excuse me.

Forget it.

Monica, I'm not doing it.

I mean, I'm not dropping him.

Alright. Fine.

Fine. I-I will call Colin,

and try and smooth things over for you,

but you need to handle Deedee.

Okay, apologize for outing him, of course,

but you need to make sure
he keeps quiet about this.

Alright, 'cause it's not
just about losing K-Hole,

it's way worse than that.

Let's put it this way.

Would you want to go from being a rock band

to being... a Christian rock band?

Oh, shit.

"The bear is sticky with honey."

Those were his exact words.

But what does that mean?

Well, Gavin speaks in parables.

I think what Gavin is saying is...

"consider the bear."

And all this pizazz is like the honey.

And it's become too sticky.

There's too much of it. It's all over him.

Incorrect. No, see, the
whole launch is the bear,

and the honey is the pizazz.

The bear needs more pizazz.

The bear is ravenous for pizazz.

You don't speak for Gavin.

I don't need to. This is the word of Gavin.

Alright, forget it.

- You do it your way, I'll do it mine.
- Okay, fine.

Gonna show you. Make
it clear for all of you.

Okay, follow me.

Well, congratulations on becoming

Pied Piper's official towing company.

Uh-huh, yeah, great.

So should I bill this to you,

or is Mr. Bighetti gonna take care of it?

"Bighetti"? It's registered under his name.

I'm sorry. Can I...?

Anyway, it was a mistake.

I'm sorry I outed you.

I just wish we could go back to normal.

You know, just like, how things were.

A CEO and a gay CEO.

I don't even know what
normal is anymore, Richard.

It's been such a crazy 24 hours, you know?

Gossip travels so fast in the Valley.

I'll be lucky if my parents
ever talk to me again.

Your parents aren't Christian?

I'm from Palo Alto.

You know, my dad says my
lifestyle makes him sick.

He just wants his gay son back.

And he's okay with the gay part?

- He's gay.
- Oh.

But the crazy part is,

when I finally got home and I got in bed,

I had the soundest sleep I've had in years.

- Exhaustion.
- No! Relief, Richard.

I'm out, okay?

My nightmare's over.

I don't ever have to go
back in the closet again,

and I've got you to thank for it.

Check it out.

_

Oh, oh, oh.

You like it?

It's good. I guess... maybe
it's just a little busy?

Like, um, there's one word too many.

One word? Well, I like the gay part.

If anything, it could be more gay.

You should gay it up,

and then, I like the "proud" part.

It's just the...

Christian part.

Look, Richard, this is great,

because now I can be gay and a Christian.

Or just be gay!

You know, you could be a... a twink.

A bear, an otter.

A circuit queen, a chub, a pup.

A gipster, a daddy chaser,

a leatherman, a lady boy.

You could be a Donald Duck,

which is a gay guy who
got kicked out of the Navy.

Yeah, I... I know what it is.

How do you know so many gay things?

I worked with a guy.

Just...

don't be a Christian.

Wow.

After all you put me through,

it turns out, you're biased too.

No! No, no, no! I'm not!

I swear to you I'm not. I'm chill AF.

It's just everybody else.

Look, if you go Christian,
I lose K-Hole games.

I cannot let that happen. I know it sucks.

It's shitty, but it's the truth.

I'm gonna make things
easy for you, Richard.

I'm out.

- Of the closet?
- No!

The new Internet!

The Internet you said was
gonna be... What was it?

"The first truly free and open Internet."

Open for everyone.

Whatever happened to that, huh?

Nice place.

Oh, thanks, yeah.

Oh, wow! That's a nice touch.

Yeah, thanks!

The Monterey Bay Aquarium
was testing their sonar,

and found this thing, like,
two miles under the ocean.

And I figure, Erlich
and I already bought it,

so I might as well hold onto it.

Plus, it weighs like 8,000 pounds,

so I couldn't move it if I wanted to.

Well, and it also kinda
works as your mascot.

Right? 'Cause of your name?

Oh, yeah, 'cause "Nelson."

Oh, I meant because it's a big head.

I guess that works, too.

So, what's up, man?

Um, well, I wanted to ask you...

Oh! Big Head!

Now I get it.

Sorry. Is... is it possible

that the general partnership
that you formed with Erlich

is still in effect?

Oh. No way.

You definitely dissolved it?

Yeah, my dad insisted.

I remember he filled out
this whole form for me,

and made me sign it,

mail it in and everything.

Yeah, 'cause I... I remember
I had the paperwork in one hand,

and the menu for Mr. Chow's in the other.

And then...

Oh, no way!

Still have the paperwork.

Guess I must have sent the menu.

Big Head, this is great news.

Gavin?

I think you're really
going to love the changes

that my team has made to the presentation.

I think you might like ours even better.

Sorry, what changes?

We are presenting two paths,

and you alone will decide
which one we walk, Gavin.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I thought the presentation
was fine as it is.

- Wait. What?
- You did?

Goddammit!

Why is this still here?

I said it was too sticky.

Don't you listen to anything I say?

- The bear...
- Sticky with honey.

So what did you change?

Uh, the spotlight.

Yes! We're making it
wider just like you asked.

Good.

You know what? Let's show
you to your dressing room.

Yeah. And whenever you're
ready, you let us know,

we'll show you that spotlight, huh?

- You're gonna love it.
- We did it!

We had to fly him in from
Tucson, but we got the bear.

Gavin hates the bear. You failed!

Put everything back the way it was.

And widen the spotlight!

Guess what, asshole.

Leon told me he wanted your ticket,

'cause he wants to go
see BattleBots with me.

But then he remembered he
actually had plans that night

with a bunch of people,
doesn't know what they're doing,

their plans are sort of fluid,

plus, it's like friends from his old work,

so it'd be weird if I hung out with them.

Anyway...

looks like you and I are
going to see BattleBots.

You're going to hang out with me,

and have fun, whether you like it or not.

And what goes best with BattleBots?

That's right. Chicken wings.

That's why you get a sweet $50
gift card to Dave & Buster's.

Serves you right for fucking us over.

Wash your fucking hair.

And you know what happens
when I get drunk, Jeff?

I get so sincere.

It's really awkward.

Fuck you, Jeff.

Oh, um, can you drive?

Well, I spoke to La Flamme,

and it's official.

Big Head is still legally
Erlich's next of kin.

So Jian-Yang's whole gambit was for naught.

Wow, really?

Big Head owns Erlich's
house, and 10% of Pied Piper.

I called the sheriff and
started eviction proceedings.

We're gonna get everything back.

Oh, also, the, uh, OctoPipers
are arriving for the meeting.

It's a good thing that
FirstSight dropped out, right?

'Cause we're back down to eight developers,

so you can keep that name.

Actually, uh, no, we can't.

Wait, what?

- I'm glad this worked out.
- Yeah.

Thanks for dropping FirstSight.

Jesus, my board would
have nailed me to a cross.

Well, I think we're just about
ready to get going here, uh...

Oh. Hey!

Oh, good, there he is.
What's he doing here?

He is here because I asked him to be.

I want him to be one of our developers.

What? No! Fuck that guy!

Hey, man, how's it goin'?

- Richard.
- Deedee.

- Can I talk to you?
- Yeah!

No, no, no. Actually, look!

Look, guys, I...

I asked you to be a part of this

because I thought you were
willing to take a chance

on my idea.

An entirely new Internet.

An Internet that is everything

the old Internet is
supposed to be, but isn't.

Truly free and truly open.

Well, I'm sorry, gang.

Truly open means "open to everyone."

No matter how repugnant their views are.

How ignorant or stupid,

or, to be honest, totally fucking wrong.

And, look, who are we to judge, right?

There's some people out there that believe

that we're living in a computer simulation.

Well, that is supported by the evidence.

What?

Uh, it's basic probability theory.

Right, uh, Richard, can I
talk to you for just a sec?

Yes, of course.

Uh, that's bullshit actually.

It's been disproven.

But why does that even matter?

In a few years, we'll
all be working for robots.

No, that's stupid.

The robots will be working for us.

Robots? Who gives a fuck about robots?

It's the artificial super intelligence
we should be worried about.

Exactly, and that's why we have to stop it.

Stop it? No, that's the
us I'm talking about.

We have to bring it into existence.

Otherwise, it'll find out who didn't
believe in it, and punish them.

- Right.
- Guys, I was wrong.

Um, Deedee is...

not in. He's actually very much out.

So...

do-over on the whole speech.

Fuck that guy!

Christians suck!

And, uh, here's a good side effect though.

Uh, we all get to keep the name OctoPipers.

You know what? Why don't
we just take a quick five?

And then, we'll BRB,

and then, go teams.

So just... let's have a...

What just happened?

Deedee's out?

Yeah, well, he said

that right after he bailed on us,

he went out and made a
deal with our competitor.

- But we don't have any competitors.
- Richard?

Fuckin' Jian-Yang.

I'm gonna tear him a new asshole.

It wasn't enough to do New
Snapchat or New Expedia,

he had to do New Pied Piper too?

Where did he get our code?

He was always stealing
snacks from the office.

He could've lifted it from anywhere.

I guess that's what happened
to my lavender cheese.

Jian-Yang! Open up!

What the fuck?

Why does every home I've
ever loved get stripped?

Is that Erlich in the bucket?

Uh...

"Richard...

"Hello, I went to China
to do new new Internet.

"Thank you. Enjoy your house.

"I love you.

Jian-Yang."