Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Blood Boy - full transcript

Jian Yang!

- You have to finish SeeFood.
- This is fucking stupid.

Oh, here's one more for you.

Jian Yang unwittingly crafted

an amazing tool for
the real time detection

of penile imagery.

I would say "not safe for work,"
but this is your work...

for a year...

at least.

Her name is Mia,
and she is a-mia-zing.

I did sex on her.



Mia is a legit hacker.

What do you think she'll do
if you try to break up with her?

Potentially this will render
every server obsolete.

Holy shit!

You know what? Actually,
I'm gonna...

Welcome to the future, Gavin.

Whoa. Oh, no. Oh, no!

- Son of a bitch!

This is where
it all began, gentlemen.

The birthplace of Hooli.

Peter Gregory's mother's garage.

That was Peter's workstation.

This was mine.

Things sure have changed.



But in a way,
they've stayed exactly the same.

As we forge
our new path together,

we must remain focused
on what's really important...

Not material success or wealth,

but this, the spirit
of innovation...

A few coders, some
ramen, and a dream.

And that is why
I brought you here.

All right. Let me show you
the rest of the place.

Ah. You've got a garage
inside your garage.

Impressive.

I'll move you in as soon as
construction is complete.

It's going to be exquisite.

Frank Gehry has
really outdone himself.

Yeah. Frank is the fucking best.

He does all my buildings.

- Okay, guys.
- We're all set up.

Shall we?

Yes! Let's do it,
of course.

All right. So, in building
this peer-to-peer Internet,

the paradox
that we're up against is

that people won't want to participate
until the quality is high,

and the quality
won't be high until, um...

and the quality won't be high

until we have a lot of people
opt in to the network,

so that presents a little
bit of a-a... a unique...

Continue.

Oh. Uh, okay.

It presents a bit
of a problem what with

that we kind of need
to build... Oh.

Uh...

Richard, everything okay?

I don't know. Is it?

Oh, sorry. Guys, Bryce.
Bryce, guys.

Uh, actually, we've met.

Oh. Hey, Donald.

Uh, it's Jared now.

- So, Gavin.
- Bryce is...?

Very discreet.

Keep going.
This is great.

Uh, is Bryce your assistant?

No, of course not. He's
my transfusion associate.

Which is?

Are you really not familiar
with parabiosis?

Can't say that I am.

Well, the science is
actually pretty fascinating.

Regular transfusions of the blood
of a younger, physically fit donor

can significantly retard
the aging process.

And Bryce is
a picture of health.

Just look at him. He looks
like a Nazi propaganda poster.

Oh.

This is quite the baby shower.

I bet you think you're
some big swinging dick,

now that you're getting invited
to all these fancy VC soirees.

Yes. My dick is
very enormous...

and my app made Raviga
a lot of money.

And I still pay no rent.

Nobody likes a braggart,
Jian-Yang.

Hey, guys.

Hello. Congratulations.
You're pregnant.

No, no, no. No, she...
No, she... No, no.

Uh-uh.

FYI, Monica,

my invite must have gotten
lost in the e-mail,

but young Jinathin
was kind enough

to add me
as his plus-one.

Don't look at me.
This is all Ed Chen's doing.

Is that Aarush Agrawal?

Mm-hmm.
I thought he retired.

He's still on the board.

What would a cofounder
of Raviga be doing...

at a baby shower?

How often is he even in the building?
Like once a year.

Ed Chen threw this whole thing
just to suck up to Laurie.

Monica...

this is not a baby shower.

This is a coup.

What are you talking about?

Ed Chen didn't throw this
party to impress Laurie.

He threw it to oust her.

Invite all these
misogynistic A-holes

who think that pregnancy
is a weakness,

convince them
that she's shirking

her responsibilities at Raviga.

You said it yourself,

there's more dick in here

than a synthetic pussy
convention.

I didn't say
anything close to that.

No?
No.

Regardless, Ed Chen
and Aarush are bro'ing down.

I suggest you get in
before you get cut out.

You see this guy?

Tequila shots at a baby shower.

You want me to join
the frat house?

Unfortunately,
in this climate, Monica,

you either bro down or you go down.
Monica.

Laurie is also pregnant.

Jian-Yang, are you
drinking creamer?

It's half-half.

Which brings us to our one
final, crucial question.

What value can we offer
now to the user

to entice them to download the
app and opt in to our network?

And the answer is...

the brand-new
Pied Piper app.

The app will take
all of the data

on a person's phone
and compress it,

freeing up
20 percent more storage.

They can have half
of that free memory,

while we will take
the other half,

walled off on their phone,
for our own future use.

- It's a win-win.
- Mmm.

That's very well thought out.

Well done, gentlemen.

So, when do we announce?

Announce what?

Richard, when I do
something, it's news.

Don't you think
you want to lean into that?

We'll announce,
rack up huge user interest,

and then do a massive
public launch at scale.

Uh, no. We planned this
under the assumption

that it would be
rolling out quietly

and not really talking
about our ultimate intentions.

Besides, rolling out at scale
is a completely different model

with vastly different technical
and business challenges.

And we're not prepared for that.
No. I think we'd all agree

that a... a stealth rollout
would be best for this one.

Mmm.

Bryce?

Did you have a thought?

Uh, well...

you know, it just seems
like a missed opportunity.

I mean, shouldn't you figure out

how a big launch would work

before you just say no to it?

Hmm.
Or... Or not.

You know, it's not my company.

That is so true.

You know, Richard,
Bryce makes a good point.

Why don't you guys just whip up
an alternate launch plan

with a big public rollout, and then
we can compare apples to apples.

Gavin, all-all...
All due respect.

This plan took
two weeks to develop.

Hard work is the price
of greatness,

so let's get to work.

Woo!

Well, this meeting was
just absolutely fucking great!

Richard, Donald...
Goldfoil!

Woo!

Go team!

Woo!

Uh... the fuck
just happened?

Hey, Bryce?
Yeah?

Wh... uh, next time you're at
a meeting of our company,

of which you are not a
part of in any respect,

can you please keep
your little ideas to yourself?

I'm... I'm sorry. I'm just...
I'm just trying to be helpful.

Well, you weren't, at all.

I mean, we had him on our side,

because I'd basically
just convinced Gavin

that a stealth rollout
was the best idea.

Uh, you know, well, I...

It's just a stealth rollout doesn't
sound like the way to go to me.

What-What... What are
you talking about?

I mean, Gavin has obviously had a
lot more success than you, Richard,

and I just think having
an asset like Gavin Belson

on your side...
What'd you say?

You dick!
Whoa!

You dick! You dick!

Okay.
Whoa. All right.

Fuck you!
Okay. It's okay.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's okay. It's okay.

This is already
the best job I ever had.

I don't know what to say.
I am so, so sorry.

I just couldn't let Bryce
talk to you like that.

- Did I frighten you?
- No.

Fuck him, right?

And fuck Gavin.

I mean, what, we take his orders now?
He's our boss?

We're supposed to be partners,
you know, like equals. Right?

And what?
He's taking the advice

of that stupid,
little pretty boy over me?

Wait. He has a garage
in his garage?

And he has a yacht
with a pool on it

and a pool with a yacht in it.

And he has a real,
live blood boy.

What? He has
an actual blood boy?

That's real?

Yeah, he's real.
Real mouthy.

I mean, he's sticking
his perfectly symmetrical face

into actual
smart people's business.

I mean, that Ken doll probably thinks
traversing a binary search tree

runs in the order of "n,"
instead of "log n." Idiot.

Jared called him a dick.

Seriously?
To his face? No.

- Yeah.
- That sounds awesome.

But it's probably nothing compared
to the thousands upon thousands

of gnarled male genitals

that you get to see
every day at your job.

Fuck.

Hey.
Hi.

Brought you some dinner, 'Neshi.
Thank you.

"'Neshi"?

Shut the fuck up, Gilfoyle.

You just missed these idiots

telling me how hard
they're selling out

by working
for fucking Galvin Belson

in his disgusting lap of luxury.

Seriously, how can you
work for that asshole?

My man, the Gavin Killer,

would never compromise
his principles for money.

Oh, no?

No, he would not.

And he is busy
doing the rewarding work

of keeping the Internet free
of graphic sexual imagery.

Hey, can we eat later?

Of course.

I'm gonna go
put this in the fridge.

Okay. Yeah. Thank you.

Hey, you actually
still haven't told her

that your takedown of
Gavin Belson... Shh!

- Was an accident?
- - It hasn't come up.

We were just talking
about him...

with her, so it did come up.
Just...

Gavin. Hello.
Hey, could you...

Richard, did you and a member
of your team verbally assault

my transfusion associate?

Do you have any idea
what that kind of stress

could do to his cortisol levels?

And therefore,
my cortisol levels?

Y... Yeah. Well, uh, he's not
technically in the company,

and he kind
of just butted in, so...

Is your ego so fragile

that if someone
disagrees with you,

you have to demean them?

I want you to go and apologize
to Bryce immediately.

Why should I apologize?

Why should I be in business

with someone who treats support
staff with such contempt?

You can tell a lot
about a person's character

by how they treat
the little people, Richard.

I bet you're mean
to waiters, too.

What? No.
I'm... I'm awesome to waiters.

Well, then I suggest you
be awesome to Bryce, too.

His blood is flowing
through my veins, Richard.

Make this right.

Fucking blood boy.

What do you want, Richard?

Bryce, I wanted
to swing by and apologize

for yelling at you
when you offered

your very unsolicited opinion.

Also, on behalf of Jared,

we mean no disrespect to you
or your career choice. Okay?

My career choice?

You think that I moved out
here to be a blood boy?

Did you know I have a degree in CS?
You do?

Yeah, but you probably thought that I
was just, you know, some dumb jock.

Well, that's typical, because
people who look like me,

we never get taken seriously
in the tech business

by people who look like you.

You're biased.

Whoa. Hang on.
I am not biased. Okay?

Aw, come on! Hey, the
whole business is biased!

I mean, that's the only way
that a good-looking guy like me

could get in a room with Gavin
Belson, is by being a blood boy!

And that sucks. I... I got
to work out constantly.

I can't have a beer with my friends.
I can't eat junk food.

Do you know that Gavin
made me go full veg?

I mean, fuck soy, man!

But to people like you, I'm
just a beautiful bag of blood.

But you know what? I got some
pretty good fucking ideas,

and Gavin actually listens
to those ideas.

It took a while,
but he respects me.

And you know what,
Richard Hendricks?

You clearly fucking don't.

So good night.
W...

Hey, look,
it's Osama Bin Fuckin'.

Thought you were staying
at Mia's tonight.

I was going to, but, alas, I
had some intestinal distress,

so I couldn't stay, which really
sucks because she's so great,

which really is horrible,
because it's so hard

to be away from her, because
she's so great. Can I contin...

I have no diarrhea.
I lied.

I am so fucked.
This girl is gonna kill me

or get me killed.
Do tell.

So, she's super attractive, and she's
super smart, and she's way into me,

like way more than
a normal person should be.

And sex!
There's so much sex!

The problem is the part after.

When you have to apologize.

No. When we do
pillow talk.

Oh. That's the best part.

Everything before that
is just foreplay.

Not with her. She'll
tell me how cute I am,

and how into me she is,

and how she hacked
into Bowman Avenue dam.

That was the Iranian
Revolutionary Guard.

No. It was her.
She pinned it on them.

She flooded an area being
surveyed for hotel construction.

Just to confirm, honesty is
off the table, right?

Because it seems like
the longer you wait,

the... the worse
it's gonna get.

I'm with Jared.
You should wait.

I have to end it, right now.

First thing Monday.
Mmm.

Well, Saturday is
her sister's wedding.

And then Sunday... you know, Sundays
are just for me, you guys know that.

Wait. Her sister's wedding?

That's what you should
be afraid of. Why?

That's a threshold that
you don't want to cross.

Well, I mean, weddings are
very public events

with photographers
taking pictures of you

indelibly tied to her.

Those are forever photos.

Forever.

Fuck.

Hey, guys.
I'm trying to find Erlich.

Is he... "holding"?

I'm afraid you caught me
at an inopportune time.

I'm long overdue to a trip
to my dispensary,

so I don't have much.

But I have Bubba Kush,

Chocolate Thunder, Barbara Bush,

Barbara Streisand,
Barbara Bush, Jr...

Yeah, this...
This is plenty.

No, no. That... That's
actually for my astigmatism.

Okay.

This is in case
of emergency only.

I'll need it
if an earthquake occurs.

Okay. Just give me whatever.
I don't care.

It's not for me.
It's for Ed Chen.

What are you up to, clever girl?

Well, I took your advice.

It wasn't pretty, but, uh, I
bro'ed down with him pretty hard.

I mean,
I think I did. It's...

To be honest, I was
kind of all over the map.

I shotgunned a warm beer,

and then I acted all blown away

when he showed me 40 minutes
of snowboarding videos

set to Diplo remixes.

Good on you.

But it worked.

I'm in. Ed copped
to everything,

and said that as long as I
don't say anything to Laurie,

I have a seat at the table. Huh.

Wait. Did he say that?
Those were his exact words?

You'll have a seat
if you don't tell Laurie?

Yeah. So?

Oh, dear. That does not
bode well for you.

What do you mean?

Well, if Ed Chen is afraid of
you saying anything to Laurie,

then that means that the deal
isn't solidified yet.

He doesn't have the votes.

Unfortunately for you,
that would mean

you may have put your money
on the wrong horse.

So you mean Laurie still has a
chance to survive this coup?

Well, then why did you say I
should bro down with Ed Chen?

I say a lot of things, Monica.

I say a lot of things.

Um...
I know you think

I'm some sort
of crusading badass

who built a ticking time bomb

and slipped it to Gavin
Belson to bring him down

as retribution
for his wrongdoings.

But the truth is,

because of my gross incompetence

during my brief and utterly
disgraceful tenure as PiperChat CEO,

I incurred billions of
dollars in COPPA fines

by exploiting underage users,

and was saved
only by my own cowardice,

which led to me
throwing up on myself.

Anyway, I'll show myself out.

I'm so proud of you.

It took guts
for you to tell me this.

Oh, no, no, no,
it didn't actually.

I knew all about this.

I hacked into your phone

the first night we were together

when you were in the bathroom.

I was in there a while.

I was hoping that once
I earned your trust,

you'd feel comfortable
telling me.

And you finally did!
I did.

This may sound crazy, but if
you hadn't by this weekend,

I was actually considering disinviting
you from my sister's wedding.

No way.

But you trusted me
with your big secret.

So I'll trust you with another
of mine.

Oh, no, you don't have to.
You don't. Shh-shh! Shh!

I hacked the elevators
at the Freedom Tower.

No.

Fucking kill me and send me
to the horrors of heaven.

It'd be better than this shit.

Guys, I know this has been
a ton of work,

and we wouldn't have to do it if
pretty boy kept his mouth shut,

and the stealth launch
is still clearly the play,

but now we can show Gavin that
we fleshed out both options.

And we can still push
the space-saving app...

and not talk about our new
Internet until we're ready.

Ahoy, gents.
Geary Street.

What, you're eating
health food now?

Can you imagine?

Geary Street Organics is
not a health food store?

Richard, you are a stitch.

No, it's my dispensary.

I mean, they have
some edibles there.

They're not very healthy.
Fucking blood boy.

Hey.
Hey.

Uh, yeah. I was walking
around your 'hood,

and I thought I'd swing by,
and we could talk about tech,

you know, 'cause we both
know so much about it.

Cool.
Oh, man.

I-I... I don't know
if you know this,

but you... your eyes
are super red right now.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I have allergies.

Really?
This time of year? Huh.

Uh, hey, um,
look, w... what are doing?

Oh, just... just hanging, man.
Why? You paranoid?

Paranoid? No.

You know, Bryce,
I got to be honest,

I'm a little hungry.
Do you have anything to eat?

Uh, just some creatine,
protein powder, soy extract.

Well, I'm kind of looking for
something a little bit more sweet.

Oh, Bryce!

Yeah. That...
That's not mine.

That's for my guests.
My... My fat guests.

You know, the fella who
owns the house I live in,

he buys food like this,

because when he uses
the products he buys

at the very same
health food store you go to,

he gets cravings...

for food just like this.

And this stuff is
not good for your blood.

Geary Street Organics isn't
a food store, is it?

It's a pot dispensary.

Isn't it? Ha.

I got you, Bryce!
You fuckin' liar!

You said you had a degree in CS.

Well, bullshit.
I checked.

It's not Computer Science.

It's "Calisthenic Studies."

What? What?

You listen to me, you
muscle-bound, handsome Adonis.

Tech is reserved
for people like me. Okay?

The freaks, the
weirdos, the misfits,

the geeks,
the dweebs, the dorks!

Not you.

Oh, and your days

of leeching off
Gavin Belson are over.

Game over, blood boy.

You fuckin' nerd.

Laurie?

Look.

I know you've been unhappy
with me lately.

Correct. Look. I'm asking you
to trust me on something.

Ed Chen has been making moves
behind your back

with the other partners to try
and force you out of Raviga.

You are referring
to the baby shower ruse.

You knew about that? Monica,
this is my fourth child.

I am no stranger to these
types of machinations.

However, I have
countervailed it with my...

Your fourth child?

Yes.

As I was saying...

I have spoken to our top IPs

and lined up enough of them in order
to leave Raviga and start a new firm.

It struck me as a opportune
time to jump ship.

Holy shit!
You're a fuckin' ninja.

No.

Even though
your disclosure just now

had absolutely
no actionable value,

it did reveal
tremendous loyalty,

so... all is well now.

So, you're not mad
at me anymore?

No, Monica.

I am a human being,
just like you,

like Ed Chen...

and this.

Furthermore...

a question, Monica.

Would you care
to jump ship with me?

You are, after all,
my best friend.

What?

Oh... fuck.

What are you guys doing?

Hands behind your back, now!

Get your hands off me!

- Oh, um, I got it.
- Ma'am, calm down.

- You can't do this!
- Let her go!

I want my lawyer!

And just take the cuffs off.
What is the meaning of this?

Dinesh, they're arresting me!
What?

Step back, sir.

Good people of the FBI,

I don't know what sorts
of things you were told

or who told them to you...
We may never know...

But I can assure you
that this young woman is...

Gavin. I'm sorry
to drop in on you,

but I happened to have a very
enlightening conversation

with your
"transfusion associate."

So did I.

S... S... Sorry?

Come in, Richard.

Oh wow.

It's all broken... again.

Mind the glass.

Okay.

He's writing
a tell-all?

Apparently, he landed
a very lucrative deal

to air my dirty laundry
over the years.

He said it was
his only career move left.

I told you, Richard,
everything I do is news.

But didn't he sign an NDA with you?
I mean, can't you sue him?

That would only prove everything he's
saying is true and make it worse.

Speaking of, I had my blood
tested this morning.

My cholesterol is
through the roof.

At this rate, I'll be dead
by the age of 120.

Oh, no. That...
I'm so sorry.

No. Richard, I'm sorry.

I told you that
a big public rollout

of our product would be
good for the company.

The truth is, I thought it
would be good for me...

to change the narrative that
I'm a fraud and a failure.

Come on, Bryce is the fraud.

And yet, I sat here taking
business advice from him.

A fucking blood boy.

Just look at me.

I'm a fraud,
and everyone knows it.

And when I fell, not one
person stood up for me.

What does that say?

I just think it's all
over for me now.

No, it's...
It's not over. Look...

I chose to partner with you.
That... That says something.

You didn't want me.

You wanted the patent.
If I had just given it to you,

you would've walked out that
door and never looked back.

Fuck it!

I'm done.

Done? No.

No, Gavin, you're not...
You're not done.

I mean, what about our company?

What about the new Internet?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Gavin, uh...

Fuck you, God!

What have I done
to deserve this?

Yes. CJ Cantwell, please.

Something you want
to share with us, Richard?

I take it you saw the interview?

"Belson and Hendricks
prepare to launch

a Pied Piper
product soon."

So much for a stealth rollout.

You went along
with him after all.

TechCrunch and Recode,

and The Wall Street Journal
picked it up as well.

I hate to invoke the Nazarene,

but, Jesus Christ,
what the fuck, Richard?

Guys, in a world where...

there is no Gavin Belson,

yeah, the stealth rollout
was the best play.

But we need his patent,
and his funding,

and, also, we need his brain.

I know this is going to be
a shit-ton of work, but...

Gavin is our partner. We need him engaged.
I made the call.

Well, sometimes you have
to make compromises.

I mean, I once slept with the head
of an assisted-living facility

to get my friend Muriel
bumped up the wait list.

Am I proud of it? No.

Do I regret it?

I'm out!

Oh my God. Oh!

Out of what exactly?

My relationship!

The wedding got raided.

The FBI got an anonymous tip
about Mia's hacking exploits.

Can you believe that?
Just my luck! I'm home free!

You ratted your girlfriend
out to the FBI,

because you're too big of a
pussy to break up with her?

I'll never tell,
but yes, yes, I did.

The FBI lady hit me in the face,

so Mia's never going
to suspect me.

Uh, Richard, now that Mia
and I have parted ways,

can I come work for you at Gavin's?
Please, please, please.

Well, uh, yes, Dinesh,
of course.

Uh, in fact, we just
announced, so climb aboard.

Awesome! I'm going to go call
Periscope, tell them I quit.

Best day ever.
No more dick pics!

Uh...

Hello, Gavin.

Richard, I read
your little article.

What you said
means a great deal.

I'm sure if the situation was
reversed, you'd do the same for me.

Absolutely not. I would've let you
bleed to death in the street.

Oh.
And that gives me pause.

I have a lot of work
to do, Richard.

We all do, so get back
on the saddle, you.

No, Richard.

I have a lot work
I need to do on myself.

I'm going away.

For, like, the weekend or...?

- No, Richard.
- Many weekends.

Weekdays as well.

Where...

Uh, hang on. There's
someone at the door.

- I know.
- I sent you something.

Consider it
a little parting gift.

Good luck to you, Richard.

It's from Gavin.

What is it?

It's the patent.

He just signed over
full ownership to me.

On the phone, he said he was
going to go find himself.

I think... Gavin's gone.

Well, what about his funding?
And his brain?

I think he took
both of those with him.

We got one more thing.

All right!
What has two thumbs,

zero dick pics,
and just quit Periscope?

What the fuck is that?

The biggest dick pic of all.

You took our idea
to Gavin Belson?

That was my idea.
You were just standing there.

Pulling it out of you like
a newborn baby.

If doctor pulls a baby out of
a pregnant woman

the doctor doesn't get to
then keep the baby.

Stop trying to change the
subject, Richard.

We had a merger. All of our
information is on both phones.

Whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Just looking at your very
embarrassing

personal information.

If you look at my shit,
I'm gonna look at your shit.

All right. Whoa, whoa.
Easy now.

I'll go balls deep
on your inbox.

If you've taken one selfie,
I will find it.

Ok.