Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Teambuilding Exercise - full transcript

We assumed that Jian Yang's app
was camera-based.

No, my app is a SeeFood.

Like a food...

- That you can see.
- That you can see.

Oh, "see food."
S-E-E food.

SeeFood has to be great.
My job depends on it.

Uh, you guys,
Gavin Belson just got fired!

"Belson violated Hooli protocol
in the acquisition

of a company that contained
toxic assets."

Oh, that's us!

So, you're telling me
that the perfect application



of my algorithm belongs
to Gavin fucking Belson?

- Oh, hey.
- Did you get into Stanford?

They said they liked my story.

Why is my name on the board?

Oh, no...

I know it's the middle
of the night.

I really just need
five minutes of your time.

Okay.

- Holy shit.
- What happened?

I was working
through some issues.

Mind the glass.

What the fuck is this?

It's a license...

for your peer-to-peer
computer communication patent.



It's... It's very standard stuff.

Essentially, in exchange
for your patent,

you would get
a royalty and equity

in the new company
that I'm starting up.

So if you just, uh,

sign there
by the Post-It note,

and I will take it and leave,
and you will never see me again.

Are you joking?

Uh, well, I guess
we could hang out.

Richard, stop talking.

I was just ousted
from my own company,

a company I built
from the ground up.

My legacy is in ashes.

Oh. Come on, I wouldn't...
I wouldn't say that.

Well, The Wall Street
Journal said that.

Oh? I lost everything because
of something you did,

and you're here at 3:00 a.m.
asking me for a favor?

Really? You're a mean person,
Richard. Do you know that?

You are a bad guy.

No. No, no, no.
I wouldn't say that.

I think, maybe, what's happening is
that you're just not understanding

the technology
I'm trying to build here.

Oh, so now I'm stupid, too?

I know what
the technology is, Richard.

I have a patent on it.

What the fuck is
a matter with you?

So you're not gonna sign it?

No, I'm not gonna sign this!

Jesus! You're a fucking sadist,
you know that?

You're demented!

I'm almost tempted
to let you have a run at it

just to watch you waste
your fucking time.

This technology did not work
when Peter theorized it,

and it doesn't work now.

It-It, um...
It actually does work now.

It does.
Oh, really?

When did the laws
of physics change?

When I exceeded the theoretical
limit of compression at TechCrunch.

You were there.
I know I was there!

Thank you for bringing up
that very painful memory!

Okay.

Can I...
Can I just...

What?
Draw on this?

Sure, why not? It's
shattered, just like I am.

I read Peter's notes,
all of them,

and he knew that a peer-to-peer
Internet was possible in the future,

but he was also basing that on,

what, old desktop computers.

He never, ever foresaw
the ubiquity or power

of all of our modern-day
smartphones.

He was also dealing with a
completely different Weissman limit.

So... uh, yeah.
Yeah. Okay.

What is that?
Is that number correct?

The delta
in mean device efficiency?

Yeah, it is.

See, eventually, over time,

this will render every server

that Hooli operates obsolete,

which would make
Jack Barker shit himself.

Holy shit!
You know what?

Actually, I'm gonna...

Welcome to the future, Gavin.

Whoa!
Oh, no. Oh, no.

Son of a bitch!
I... I'm sorry.

Wow, Dinesh, this front-end
design looks great.

Thank you.
Nice work.

What's in that?

That is a burrito for the test.

Good to know.
Oh.

Let him have it.
Gilfoyle thought

he was too good
to work on SeeFood,

and now he's
about to lose a fortune.

Okay. Ready for test.

After you, milady.

Oh, this is weird. Mia just texted
me "Good luck with the demo."

Did any of you guys
tell her about this?

Your hacker girlfriend
wouldn't happen to know

the model of our router,
would she?

Yeah, actually, she...
complimented your choice.

Why didn't you say anything?

Why would I tell you she said
something nice about you?

Damn it.

We have to assume
she's everywhere.

Okay. It's ready.

Please, God.

What would you say if I told you
there is an app on the ma...

We're past that part!
Just demo it.

Okay. Let's start
with a hot dog.

Oh shit.

- Yes! Oh!
- It works.

- Motherfuck!
- Huzzah!

Jian-Yang, my beautiful
little Asiatic friend,

I'm going to buy you
the palapa of your life.

We will have 12 posts,
braided palm leaves.

You'll never feel exposed again.

I'm gonna be rich.

Fuck you, Gilfoyle.

Do pizza.
Yes, do pizza.

- Yeah.
- Do pizza.

Pizza.

"Not hot dog"?

Wait. What the fuck?
Huh?

That's... that's it?

It only does hot dogs?

No, and "not hot dog."

Give me that.
Give it to me.

Jian-Yang.
Motherfuck.

I gave you the ability
to spin gold,

and instead,
you've spun pubic hair

with shit in it, and gravel
and corn... Hold on, hold on.

Jian-Yang's actually put together
a pretty good classifier.

You know? I mean,
the core tech is valid.

It just... It just
needs to be trained.

So, what he did for hot dogs,

he needs to repeat
for every food in existence?

No, that's very boring work.

That's scraping the Internet
for thousands of food pictures.

You can... you can
hire someone else.

We can't, because we just spent

a big fat stack of cash
on little Dinesh over here.

And there are other expenses...

Legal, marketing,
operating fees,

those goddamn AWS charges.

Fucking Bezos.

And so, we do not have the funds

to hire scut workers
to do your scraping for you.

And thus, you will
scrape the Internet.

You and you alone.

I'm sorry, the time to back out was
before you signed the term sheet.

I'm gonna tell Laurie that
this was a smashing success.

Go make it one.

Erlich was right.
You are a white witch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh.

Good. Yes, you are all here.

Um, I think it's probably time
we all had a chat.

About what?

Well, I'm pretty sure
you're all...

wondering where I've been.

You were gone?

Yes, I was gone all week.

I saw you come out
of the shower yesterday.

Okay. Well, obviously, I've
been sleeping here at night,

but I've been gone
during the day.

Pretty sure that shower
was in the morning.

That's part of the day, Richard.

Okay, Gilfoyle, I-I... I've been
sleeping here at night,

and then I've been here
for some mornings,

but I'm... I've left the
house during the day.

We all leave the house
during the day, Richard.

That's not weird.

I went to get coffee
this morning.

Yeah, I went to the dispensary,

and then I'd smoked
the weed before I got home,

so I went back
to the dispensary.

You know what?

I just realized I haven't left
the house in six days.

Now that's worth exploring.

Okay, I get it. Look.

Every day this week,
I have been...

at Gavin Belson's house.

What? Gavin has offered to
go into business together.

But, look, I just came
there for the patent,

and he was the one who
wanted to be full partners.

What did you say?

We talked about it,
and we agreed

that it would be
the best thing to do.

Oh, good Lord.
Richard... no.

Guys, look, I have the patent.

I also have funding

and real, genuine insight
to the whole thing.

Let's not forget here
that Gavin is

a co-founder of a
bajillion-dollar tech company.

Are you out
of your fucking mind?

When you don the skin of the
beast, the man within dies.

What is that? Nietzsche?

One of the boys at my group
home always said that.

He died.

You're not pulling Dinesh
off SeeFood.

And I am not leaving SeeFood

to go work
for Gavin fucking Belson.

I'm not asking you to.
You're not?

Guys, do you not remember
the last time we talked

about us all working
with Gavin Belson?

Gilfoyle, you told me
to chortle your balls,

and everybody else
walked out of the room.

I know how much you hate him,

which is exactly why I told Gavin
if we were gonna do this thing,

that you guys
wouldn't be coming with.

So we have hired
a recruiter to...

find people to replace you guys.

Even me?

Uh, well, no.

You don't really need
to be replaced.

True, I can't be replaced.

Well, when you left video chat,

you did keep the rights
to the algorithm, so...

I mean, it's weird,

but I guess it's really
none of our business.

It's my fucking business.
I now own ten percent...

Five percent, actually.

What?
Ten percent of my half

of the company is five percent.

But, I mean, look, your shares are
gonna be worth a whole lot more

than they ever would, now with the
patent and Gavin being involved, so...

So then we're all good here,
I guess, right?

I think that's right.

Weird.

All right. Well,
thanks for understanding.

Uh, you're welcome.

I don't think we need to
be afraid of the Wi-Fi.

It's pronounced "wifey,"

and clearly you don't
understand the threat level

of the person that you're
sexually disappointing.

We're going hardwire.

What about for my phone?

You mean the thing
that tracks your movement

and every interaction you have?

Literally, your fingerprint?

The second
you're on Wi-Fi,

it's like you're leaving
her alone with your phone.

So, actually leaving her
alone with my phone...

that would be bad?

You fucking idiot.

I was in the bathroom.

For how long?

A while.

Really?

Who's that?

Oh, Richard's meeting
with Brett Saxby.

From Hooli?

Formerly. The recruiter
sent him over.

He's interviewing him
for head of engineering.

Why? That guy sucks.

Why is Richard in there
with Brett Saxby?

I mean, he was
in Gavin's inner circle.

Is Richard aware of that?

Is anyone taking notes?

Does Richard even have a pen?

That is so funny.

It's 10:00 a.m.

Why are they drinking beer?

Because he sucks.

Did Dick say who else
he was meeting with?

The recruiter sent him
a whole big list right there.

Gonna be late for class.

Ooh, how's that going?

Oh, it's okay.
I'm just a little nervous

I might run out
of material soon.

We already watched
the Facebook movie,

A.I., The Net,
and half of Tron.

Which Tron?

What? No. Tron.

There's two Trons.

Oh, shit.
That's awesome.

It should get me
through another week. Thanks.

This entire list
is a shit show of shitheads.

Why would Richard
trust a recruiter

to source him recruits?
It doesn't make sense.

Huh.
What?

You guys seem
like super invested

in who Richard hires to work
with Gavin Belson, that's all.

Are you insinuating jealousy?

This is just concern for
Richard's vision. Mm-hmm.

If Richard wants to saddle
himself with mediocrity...

go for it.

You did not.

I swear to God, bro.
I swear to God.

Well, I'll tell you what.
Next time you bust out

the old Sea-Doo,
give me a call.

Good.
Guys, you know Brett.

Nope.

Uh, it's great to meet you guys.

We've met.

Uh, okay. Well, it
has been a pleasure.

I shall walk you to your car.

All right. Uh, After me. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.
Okay.

I hate him.

Gentlemen, I just paid
the palapa contractor.

The palapa piper, so to speak.

The dream is a reality.

We'll no longer be exposed...
to the elements.

Hey, Erlich.

You wanna guess who's
on this list of availables

that Richard just got
from his recruiter?

Who?

Your boy, Jian-Yang.

What?
What?

Jian-Yang!

You already have
a fucking job, Jian-Yang.

You have to finish SeeFood.

Now get to food scraping.

I fucking hate SeeFood.

I have to look
at different hot dogs.

There's Chinese hot dogs,

Polish hot dogs, Jewish hot dogs.
It fucking stupid.

Well, here.
Here's one more for you.

See? "Hot dog." It doesn't
even fucking work right.

Then you should hire someone
using company money,

not build a roof over nothing.

The palapa was budgeted for,
Jian-Yang.

That's what you do
when you get funding,

you upscale your workspace
to help with recruiting.

You just said
you recruit no one.

Because we spent
all the money on upscaling.

Why... Why is this
so confusing?

You're stealing. If you
can steal, I can quit.

I have meetings
at Periscope, Airbnb.

Good companies.

The fuck you do.

We still have $150,000
of Raviga's money left.

That's three months of burn.

So, until we are dick up and
flat broke, this is your life.

Get to it.

This is no life.

I want to live.

Erase that dick picture.

You've got mail.

Yes.

Those are very powerful words.

Sorry.

No, no. It's okay.

Your phone has
technology inside it,

so you're double-learning.

Jian-Yang,
what in the good fuck is that?

It's called business expense.

You buy a hut.

I... buy a car.

You say, "Keep doing SeeFood
until money is gone."

Now, the money is gone.

Dick...

is up.

Where'd you get those sunglasses?
Did they come with the car?

These are from your mom.

Listen, Jian-Yang, you can't just blow
the rest of our runway on a Corvette.

Who's gonna scrape the Internet?

Twelve-speaker sound system.

It's very loud, very expensive.

The fuck was that?

Oh, just three months
of runway being driven off

by 90 pounds of asshole.

Spoken by a 280-pound
pile of shit.

The fuck are you gonna do now?

Professor Bighetti,
a word if you please?

Richard...

I know it's none
of my business...

but I worked with that
Brett Saxby fellow at Hooli.

He's a talented engineer,

but in an office environment,
he can be both tardy and fresh.

Uh, I'm...
I'm not hiring him.

He uses spaces not tabs.

I see. Okay.

Well, that's a relief.

But, Richard, what about
the next Brett Saxby?

Or the Brett Saxby after that?

And even if you vet them all,

you are still
in a room with Gavin.

So? We're partners.
What's your point?

He and his...
His posse

of... of bandits
and cutthroats

will turn on you in a second.

You need me...

the half-crazed,
half-Apache

who will do anything
to get your back.

I'll scalp Gavin if I have to,

and all the rest of those
paleface sons of bitches.

I'll kill them with knives.
I'll kill them with guns.

I'll kill them with my hands.

I'll talk them into suicide.
It doesn't matter.

All right, Jared, I... I think
what you're asking is...

you want a job?

If you think you can
find a place for me...

Yeah, of course, Jared.
Yeah?

You're more than welcome
to work on this.

But just to be clear, you're not
gonna stab anyone, are you?

Oh, it feels good to laugh.

So... So,
that's a no then?

Richard.

So, we're not gonna finish
the movie?

Yeah, sorry, but my colleague
here was pretty adamant

that a better use of class time

might be to learn
while accomplishing something.

Now take one, pass it
all the way down.

We're supposed to scrape the Internet
for thousands of food images?

Yeah. So you'll find, like, five
or 30,000 pictures of your food,

and then put them in a folder
with that food's name on it.

And it's good if you get,
like, weird angles

or lighting of your food.
So it should be pretty fun.

So we're gathering training data

to run through
a convolutional neural net.

Like an image classifier?

Who wants broccoli?

Broccolini for the ladies?
Broccoli.

Just so you know, this does
not mean I don't trust her.

I'm just doing this so you'll,
like, shut up and leave me alone.

Mia, if you're listening,
you're so pretty.

Oh, you're both
headed to Gavin's?

Indeed we are.
Together again.

Butch Cassidy and his head
of business development.

Oh, wow,
another Western reference.

Yaw!
Let's go.

You know, he'd hire you, too.
What?

All you have to do is admit
that you want the job.

And, like, get down
on your knees and beg.

Says the guy
who's romancing a woman

through a phone
that isn't even on.

A woman that he described
to me in private

as a skinny little fuck factory.

Oh, no, I didn't. God.

Mia, I would never do that.

Richard, Brett Saxby ran

my data analytics team
for three years.

Respectfully, I think passing
on him is a mistake.

Yes. Well, uh,
I met with Brett Saxby,

and, um...
to be honest...

To be honest, I don't...
I don't think he's our man.

Fair enough. There are plenty of
good alternatives on this list.

Although, I'm a little confused by
your notes on some of these people.

"David Burnham. Annoying
slob, fucked-up face.

I could write better Python
with my asshole."

You know what? I think...
I think you have my list.

Yes, I have
a very weird shorthand.

Yeah.

Okay, next.

Becca Th...

No, guys, that goes
in the... the sunroom.

I'll show you. All right.

Back in a flash.

Come this way,
gentlemen. Here.

God, there are pages
of graphic insults here.

Fucking Gilfoyle.
Right?

Richard, would you be open to
having Gilfoyle on the team?

Well, yeah, of course. I mean,
I'd hire him in a second,

but he'd never do it.

Richard, Gilfoyle is
a man of intense pride.

So, when he refers
to a potential employee

as a "pig-faced
fuck nose,"

what I hear is
"I need to be needed."

Well, what I hear is
"pig-faced fuck nose."

Exactly.
I mean, Gilfoyle's insults

are normally well crafted,
almost poetic.

Last week, he referred to me as
"Frankenstein's bulimic daughter."

Yeah, I get what you mean.

So what do you want me
to do, Jared, beg him?

Well, I... I think
a little outreach

would be in the company's
best interest.

Really? "Butt-dick"?

The man's in pain.

Hey, I know this system
is super confusing,

but we don't see
any completed assignments.

Cut the shit.
Where's the work?

Well, we all got to talking
the other day after class.

We couldn't figure out
if you were, like, a TA

or why you were
giving us assignments,

but we all agreed
we didn't like the way

that you were speaking
to Professor Bighetti.

I'm used to it. So we searched
your name on PitchBook,

and that SeeFood app you got
funded at Raviga popped up.

PitchBook? How do you
have access to PitchBook?

Your idea was so simple.

It was like something you could come
up with in the room during a meeting.

Which is what Garrett
from Coleman Blair told us

at the CS undergrad mixer
on Friday.

Hey, Erlich.

Here I am.
Class of '06.

Go Cardinal.
Go Cardinal.

Anyways, we founded our own
Shazam-for-food company,

and he's funding us.
Mm-hmm.

Whoa, congrats!
Wait, that's stealing.

No. It's exactly what Mark
Zuckerberg did to the Winkle guy

in that Facebook movie Professor
Bighetti had us watch.

And he was the hero
of that film.

And with all
of us working together,

we'll easily beat you to market.

So, that's how
it goes, huh? Hmm?

You steal a man's idea,
rendering his company worthless.

I've read a number of disparaging
articles about your generation

It's all true.

Fuck you!

Professor Bighetti,
I'll see you at home.

You apologize?

In this case, yes, I apologize.

Who am I to advise you
on your very valuable company?

It's time to let you go,
like a bird.

So, go out there without me.

Make your recipe app.
Take your meetings.

Live.
That being said...

since there's no cash
to buy me out,

I propose this:

allow me to keep the palapa

and give me the 'Vette.

You're cashing out?

Dinesh, stay out
of this, please.

Car and hut for ten percent?

It's a palapa.

Okay. It's a deal.

You know, the car was a mistake.

I was driving next
to a store window,

and I stop and look
in my reflection.

I looked like an asshole.

Yes, I'm sure
it was just the car.

A little piece of advice
regarding American culture,

a Corvette takes a certain sort
of man to be able to pull off.

Like a fedora.

Anyway, keys?

Oh, and now that
I'm out of the company,

you'll need to tell Monica
what transpired.

Thank you.

Gentlemen, I'm off to be
out and about in the 'Vette.

Be back for supper,
that is, of course,

unless I get fucked to death
by the fairer sex.

Gilfoyle, Richard would like
a moment, if you don't mind.

Do you guys need me
to go somewhere else?

No, it's fine. You can stay.
You can hear this.

Okay, well, Gilfoyle, I have
reviewed the candidates,

and it is very clear to me that
our company cannot succeed

without your unrivaled talents
as a systems architect.

So, would you please,
please, please...

please come work for Pied Piper?

Thanks for asking.

I'm going to put this
as delicately as I know how.

You can chortle my balls.

Okay, well...

so who do we want
to run front-end dev?

"Cunt-ass" or...
"Fuck-jerk"?

Listen.

This thing with Gavin
isn't gonna work without me,

so, because I feel bad for you

and I'd hate to see
you fuck up good tech,

which will happen
if I'm not there,

I'm willing to help you.

That's a beautiful gesture.

So, you're back aboard.

FYI, Becca Thorton is

a cancerous prolapsed anus
of a human being,

but as a systems engineer,
she's not all bad.

Laurie?

Oh! Yes.
Monica, come in.

I just heard the good news.

About?

Jian-Yang's nimble pivot.

Back away
from the glass, please.

Special occasion.

He told me the whole story.

His interview at Periscope,

his discovery of a photo of
Bachman's genitals on his phone

when demonstrating the app,

and his eureka moment
when it turned out

that his
"not hot dog" technology

out-performed Periscope's
own technology.

He said all that?

Not quickly.

The eventual point,

Jian-Yang unwittingly crafted

an amazing tool
for the real-time detection

and filtering of penile imagery.

And Periscope does have
a dick problem.

Monica.

Jian-Yang went
to Periscope for a job

and walked out with a
$4-million acquisition offer.

Given our
liquidation preference,

we have 10 X'ed in two weeks,

so hats off...

Well, thank you so much.

To Ed Chen for his shrewd call,

both to invest in this
and make you lead.

He is quite astute,

which is why we have promoted
him to senior partner.

Yeah.

Monica, you've got Erlich.

I'm here
with Jian-Yang,

and he just told me
that you traded

ten percent of the company
for a used car and a...

A hut.

A hut?

A palapa, and so what?

What do you mean it's
a half-a-million-dollar palapa?

Erlich, is the refrigerator
running?

This is Mike Hunt,
and he's rich.

Shit!

Oh, hey, when you begged
Richard for the job,

did you actually, like,
literally lick his boots,

or did you just go like,

"Pretty please, Richard.

Please can I have
a job, Richard?"

Whatever I did, it was worth it

for the chance
to work without you.

Speaking of, did your deal
with Periscope ever close?

Yep. If I stay a year, I vest
a big chunk of Twitter stock.

Great.
Great.

And... what exactly
are you working on?

Oh, you know, we're tuning...
our algorithm.

We're reconfiguring our...
classifier from food to...

another purpose.

Uh-huh. In other words, you sit around
and look at dick pics all day long.

Don't let me stop you.

Wow.

I would say,
"Not safe for work,"

but this is your work...

for a year...

at least.

Is that one...

actually a hot dog?

No.

Not hot dog.

So in building this
peer-to-peer internet,

- uh...
- Everything okay?

I don't know. Is it?

Regular transfusions
of the blood

of a physically fit donor

can significantly retard
the aging process.

And Bryce is
the picture of health.

He looks like
a Nazi propaganda poster.

Oh.

Tequila shots at a baby shower.

Monica, this is not
a baby shower.

This is a coup.

Get in before you get cut.

What are you talking about?

You said it yourself.
You either bro down,

or you go down.

I didn't say anything
close to that.