Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Terms of Service - full transcript

Erlich!
Seeing you Thursday, right?

Jian Yang's pitch?

Yes, we can't wait to pitch you
the idea

that is gonna be pitched to you.

Great, I'll see you then.

You have no idea what it is,
do you?

Not a fucking clue.

I'm taking Piper Chat,

all your users will be converted
to Hooli Chat users.

You have five seconds to decide.

- Five...
- Okay.



I don't know
if this will be relevant,

but he did say the word,
"oculus," a whole bunch.

- Oculus?
- Mm-hm.

Jian? I'm very excited
for your VR play.

Who's doing VR?

This has to do with the Oculus,
right?

- Octopus.
- Octopus?

- It's a water animal.
- I...

I... I know what an octopus is.

Gavin, I need to talk to you

about this Piper Chat
acquisition.

Now, Carl, you said the new
sign-in page made you nervous...

Are these my favorite
nail beds I've ever seen?

No, but they're fine.



Okay. You know, I... I wasn't
actually gonna come here.

But then, I thought, "You know what?
I could... I could use a walk."

And, um, well,
I've just been working on

this peer-to-peer
Internet thing,

and well, I... I think
better when I walk.

Mm-hmm. If I'm gonna be
thinking and walking,

I might as well walk
somewhere specific.

Hey, when was
the last time you slept?

Um... I don't know.

Well, I know I... I was
gonna sleep last night,

but, uh... I thought
I had this solve

for this computational trust
issue I've been working on,

but it turns out,
I didn't have a solve.

But it was too late. I had already
drank the whole pot of coffee.

Okay. Well, I'm busy. I've got
to see patients all the time.

What are you doing? Sorry. I
don't want to interrupt you.

Sorry, just... just one second.
I just had a quick thought.

Why are you writing it on there?

Well, I mean, you change these
between every patient, right?

I guess I'm going
to have to now.

You know, all the guys at the house,
they think I'm nuts, but I'm not nuts.

Hey, you know, they say that after
Alan Turing was chemically castrated,

he got a lot less annoying.

What was that?
Hmm?

Nothing. Just... that's just
something to think about.

Okay. Sure, yeah.

Pen, please.

Right, yeah.

Go ahead and pay
the lady out front.

Cash is always appreciated.

Hmm. How the hell
does this thing work?

Question for you.

What's better
than octopus recipe?

Answer for you.

Eight recipes for octopus.

My grandmother gave me
a family recipe

before she died
in a horrible way.

Wait. What?

Sorry. We knew Jian-Yang's
app was in the food space,

but we assumed
that it was camera-based.

Like, you take a photo of food,

the app returns nutritional
information, or recipes,

or how it was sourced.

Yeah, like Shazam for food.

Exactly. But this,
I mean, this is...

Shazam... for food.

No, Shazam's not my vision.

Of course they know that you're not
pitching Shazam. That already exists.

This would be
a Shazam... for food.

No.
Sorry. Language barrier.

Do you speak Mandarin?
Anybody? No?

That's not Mandarin. He's a
stickler for the accent.

No, my app is seafood,
like food...

in the sea.
That you can see.

Oh, "see food." S-E-E food. Oh.

SeeFood.
Now, that we like.

Seafood. It's like
food in the sea.

Fuck.

Oh, Gavin. Gavin.

I head about
your PiperChat issue.

Those COPPA fines are no joke,
could be billions.

I'm acutely aware, Jack.

Listen, after all
you've done for me...

Bringing me into the Hooli
sandbox, letting me play here...

What if, hypothetically,

I had a way to delete
the underage accounts

and the chat data in question?

Hypothetically, I could
blame it on a malfunction

of my Endframe/Box servers.

The board would have
nothing to blame you for.

Jack, I'm speechless.
I'm embarrassed to say it,

- but I was beginning to question your loyalty.
- Yeah.

Well, you should've.
I said it was hypothetical.

Didn't say I'd do it.

Why don't you go ahead
and take a seat, Gavin?

Uh, you guys?
Gavin Belson just got fired!

- Richard.
- Wait. What?

Shit, that's huge.

"There are unconfirmed reports that
Belson violated Hooli protocol

in the acquisition of a company
that contained toxic assets."

Oh, that's us! Oh, my God.
Gavin's been fired?

Did you fall in the pool?

Oh, no. No, I didn't.

I was, um... I was
dangling my feet in,

'cause it was cool and refreshing
and just helping me think,

and then,
since I was wet anyway,

I purposefully started
to wade around in the pool.

Uh... But don't worry.
No, I didn't fall in.

I, uh...
I am not a spaz.

"Belson will be succeeded
by 'Action' Jack Barker.

"A veteran tech CEO,
Barker commented,

"'We at Hooli pledge to work

"with the Federal Trade
Commission

"to resolve this matter
and commit ourselves

to earning back
the public trust.'"

Wow, Dinesh,
you really stuck it to him.

Now they're pinning it
all on Gavin.

Holy shit.
Dude, you're moist.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah,
I'll go and get a towel.

I mean, Dinesh,
you're a... a giant slayer.

As long as he's the one taking the
fall for these underage users.

I thought I'd have to, like,
answer to Congress or something.

Yeah, that makes sense. You were
worried sick about the wrath

of a bloated
and inept bureaucracy,

but feel totally
comfortable having crossed

a spiteful and vindictive
megalomaniac with unlimited funds.

Shut up. Gavin wouldn't
come after me personally.

I think you might be
the first Pakistani man

to be killed by a drone
inside the United States.

People don't have people
killed in the Valley.

Not even Gavin Belson. Okay?

Right, Jared?

I... I once saw him
throw a sloth

down a flight of stairs
after a presentation,

and he said it was an accident,
but he had this look in his eyes.

I... I can't rule it out.

"A legacy lost. CEO and chief
innovator Gavin Belson exits Hooli."

The end of the Gavin Belson era.

And if all goes well, it is
the beginning of the era

of Erlich Bachman and his funky
Asian dude friend Jian...

Jian? Jian-Yang!

Coleman Blair and Associates
just offered us

a seed investment of $200,000

for the Shazam of food.

All we have to do is dazzle
them with a demo on Monday,

and, uh, the check will...

What the fuck?
Huh?

Is that my vintage
Corona Club beach towel?

Yes. I was in the pool,
but I got out.

That's a beach towel,
not a pool...

Where were you? I was referring
to you as my funky Asian friend.

The passenger door's
all fucked up!

I told you, there's no demo.

I'm making my recipe app.

You're gonna walk away
from $200,000?

You know who walks away from
that kind of money, Jian-Yang?

Richard, a crazy person.

Crazy? No. Opposite.

He walked away from $10 million.
Now look at him...

Wet pants, stealing towels,

babbling about technical issues
that he can't solve.

I am one computational trust issue
away from solving this thing.

Is this how you wanna end up?

No. He's a cautionary tale.

- Nope, not true.
- Not a cautionary tale.

Got a lot of work to do.
I'll be in the pool. Not crazy.

I mean, it's like, wow.
Richard...

- Hey, Erlich.
- Just FYI.

I actually did some image
recognition stuff on Nip Alert,

so maybe you could hire me
to help on the demo,

'cause my dad's been,
like, kinda on me lately

to, like, get a job
or go to school 'cause...

'cause he's upset that I lost all
that money on... on PiperChat.

And then also, you helped me lose
that 20 million on Bachmanity.

Big Head, um...

Jian-Yang's culture...

He's...
Chinese...

Won't allow him
to accept outside help.

Oh, right, 'cause of Chinese.

Okay, well, that makes sense.

If either of you could aid

in the construction of this
image recognition software,

I can pay you handsomely.

Huh. Five years at ASU, then
you dropped out? No degree?

Mm-hmm. Pretty solid "C's"
in all of your CS classes.

Right.

But really more incompletes
than anything.

Yeah, a lot of those classes
were at 11:00 a.m., so...

I'm sorry, but I...
I don't think

you're Stanford CS material,
Mr. Bighetti.

Yeah, that's totally fair.
Thanks so much.

Have a nice day.

Oh, hey, did you get this
at a party on Alcatraz?

Yes. Oh, cool. I got
one there, too.

Or, I mean, I guess,
technically, I bought one there.

I bought everything there.

Excuse me?

Oh, Bachmanity was my VC fund.

What?

It stands for Venture Capital.
I know. Umm...

Wh...

Wait. Nelson Bighetti.

Were you on the cover
of WIRED magazine?

Yeah, and actually inside, too.

Can I get you some coffee?

The last 24 hours
have been very painful.

But in the days to come, what I will
be thinking of most is all of you,

the good people of Hooli,
and what we've built together.

And, yes, we built great products here.
Great products.

But I like to think we built
an even greater connection.

So, in the spirit
of that connection,

if any of you would like
to say something to me...

Positive or negative...
This is the time.

I encourage you to be
completely honest.

Don't be shy.

This is most likely the last
chance we have to talk.

Anything at all.

Ah. Here we go.

Todd, our senior
systems engineer.

I'm sorry,
but it's my official duty

to... escort you
off the property...

I understand.

Thank you for your dedication...
and relieve you of your badge.

Yes.

I guess this is it then.

Goodbye, Hoover.

Your parking hang tag.

I mean, do you think I'm crazy
for chasing this thing?

Don't ask me. I'm hardly
in a position to judge.

I mean, you do realize I'm literally the
only person in this entire grocery store

who's actually
buying stuff for myself.

I don't know. Maybe
these people are right.

Maybe I just drop
this one, move on,

and become some pathetic
fucking TaskRabbit, you know?

Hey, I have a family, asshole.

Oh. Sorry. Not you,
the other ones.

Look, if you can't crack
this idea, there's no shame.

I mean, a lot of really smart
people have gotten stuck on it.

Please. Like who?

Peter Gregory for one.

Peter was thinking about
a fully decentralized Internet?

Why wouldn't you
mention this to me?

Well, because he walked away
from it,

and you seemed so excited about it,
I thought you had a new angle.

I didn't want to discourage you.

Oh, what, 'cause I'm some delicate
little flower? I couldn't handle it?

The thing is, Peter tended
to cling to things,

and he gave up on this. I mean,
he must've had a reason.

Wait. Peter was
a compulsive note-taker. Right?

What about his journals? I mean,
do you guys still have them?

Richard, I am on thin ice
as it is at Raviga.

No. Monica, listen to me, okay?
I haven't slept in days.

I'm walking into pools
fully clothed.

This is all I think about.
Please.

Fine, but just this once.

Yes. Thank you.

Fuck. It's Erlich. He...
What?

He wants me to help
spin up this demo

for Jian-Yang's bullshit
Shazam-for-food app.

Wait, the thing that Coleman Blair
just bought? That was them?

Yeah, but they
haven't bought it yet.

I mean, they sign
the deal on Monday,

but it's all contingent
on a working demo,

which they do not
and will not have.

Interesting.

You're doing great work
by the way.

Fuck you. Definitely. Thank you.

I'll have those forms
to you by 11.

Yeah, so it's called SeeFood,
but it's S-E-E Food, get it?

Yes, Erlich Bachman
showed me a demo,

and this thing is incredible.

Yeah, and Coleman Blair is gonna
get the whole deal for only 200K.

But here's the thing,
they don't close until Monday.

I mean, if I had Laurie's ear,
I would tell her

that we should pay them today
and close the deal,

and Bachman would
jump on it in a second.

Go choke on that, broham.

Very funny.

What's funny?

This message.
"Hey, I'm a big fan

"of what you did
to Gavin Belson.

"I've seen your photo
and think you're cute.

Would love to meet up. Mia."

Fuck you.
I didn't send that.

Oh, you didn't?
My hand to Satan.

But before you go ahead and get a
little brown boner in your pants,

you might wanna consider
that it's not a woman.

I bet you're being catfished
by Gavin himself.

Oh, fuck.

But...
But what?

On the off chance that this
is an actual real woman,

getting murdered seems
like an acceptable risk.

Oh, hey.
Hey.

Let me ask you something.
Do you think wearing

the name of the college
you're going to to class

is like the same thing as
wearing the name of the band

you're going to to a concert?

What? Did you get into Stanford?

Yeah, and this is totally going
to get my dad off my back,

and they said
they liked my story,

so I'm gonna take
a CS class there.

And they're so nice. I was asking
if it was gonna be pass/fail,

and they were like,
"It's up to you."

And then I said,
"Is there gonna be homework?"

And they were like,
"Only if you want it."

And so then, I guess I have
to decide if I want it,

which kinda already feels like
homework, but do you think I...

Holy shit.

It's like we just walked right
into Peter Gregory's brain.

Actually, I think Peter's brain is
in a cryo-locker in Menlo Park.

Oh, hey, I, uh... I remember
this photo from Peter's office.

It's still so weird to me that he
and Gavin Belson were ever friends.

Select destination.

- No. No, no. No, thank you.
- Optimizing route to Arallon.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Hold on.

Wait. Are all these
Peter Gregory's notebooks?

Um... Are they? Are
they in this box?

Richard. Remember, you promised you
were gonna get some sleep tonight.

Yeah, I will.

All right, I'm, uh...
I'm gonna leave you guys to it.

Oh, Erlich didn't get a call
from Ed Chen today, did he?

Yeah. I heard them
on speakerphone,

'cause Erlich
was neti-potting.

I think, uh... I think
they're meeting tonight.

Good to know.

What?
Sesame seeds.

To SeeFood.
To SeeFood

and to a full-expensed meal
on Raviga's tab,

and to you, Ed Chen, who pulled
the wool over Laurie Bream's eyes

and got us two-hundo-thou
sight unseen.

Well, she had some concerns about
getting into business with you again,

but I can pretty much talk
that broad into anything.

Ha! Cheers to that.

You're a con man, like Erlich!

What does that mean?

It... it's a little term of
endearment we have around the house.

Uh, a confident man.

He sees me as a confident
man, and he looks up to me.

You know, you have to be patient with
him, 'cause he's a bit of a moron.

Moron? No, no, no. I mean,
he's... Not in tech.

And how about this palapa?
Are we in the islands or what?

Sorry. I...

This app isn't
gonna suck, right?

If it sucks, it's my ass.

You guys have
a working demo... right?

Uh, we're gonna slow down

on the, uh... the-the... the
servings for the little one.

So, he's from China,
a small town,

not used to our big city liquor,
and... No, no, no, no, no.

Jian-Yang.

Boys, boys. Let's speak
in English. It's the law.

"I'm a big fat fucking asshole."

Okay, now.
That's... that's me.

Why would I call myself
a big fat asshole?

The liquor's gotten
to the little fellow,

and I wouldn't listen
to a word he has to say.

Oh, hey, Gilfoyle.
This is Mia.

Are you gonna murder Dinesh?

No.
Bummer.

Wait. Gilfoyle?

Are you the Gilfoyle
from Bovine Dawn?

Maybe.

I'm MI4.

No shit.

I always thought you were
a fat, bald weirdo.

Well, she's not. She's
a thin, hairy regular.

You know, you were
totally wrong about the dump

of all the hacking team's
best exploits.

No, if you look at what happened
with the Equation Group,

it was basically the same thing.

She's right, you're wrong.

Um, shall we head out?

Don't wait up.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my fucking God!
Richard, what is it?

Jared, look.
It's all here.

Peter Gregory knew the value of a
completely decentralized Internet.

I mean, Look, look.
"The Internet we deserve."

I mean, look, even back then,

Peter was worried that
the Internet would become

this shitty
corporate-controlled thing

that... that Hooli and all these
other companies manipulate today.

But the idea is real.

It's just that Peter didn't
think it was feasible

unless compression surpassed
the theoretical limit

of a 2.9 Weissman Score.

We shattered that limit
at TechCrunch Disrupt.

Yeah, baby. Exactly.
Ha!

I mean, goddammit.
I always knew there was

a perfect application
for my algorithm.

These notes, all this... this
is going to save me months.

This is it. I mean, I was right all along.
I was right!

Can I just...
Can I try something?

Yeah.
Woo!

Okay.
I don't know.

Woo!
Woo!

Woo! Woo!

Woo!

Sorry.
That's okay.

So... do you like movies?

Depends on the movie.

I'm the exact same way.

It being a movie doesn't
mean I'm gonna like it.

Would you care for some wine
or a cocktail tonight?

Uh, just water, please.

Just water, please.

I love water.

I do.
Oceans, rivers...

lakes.

When does a pond become a lake?

I wonder if it's depth.

Where are those waters? Felt like
we ordered waters a while ago.

And... What?

Fucking prick.

What?
Oh, nothing.

It was just
a text from Gilfoyle.

Gilfoyle isn't a prick.
Yeah, I'm sorry.

He's a motherfucking prick.

What?
That guy sucks.

Everyone hates him
on the message boards.

You know, putting a face to
the name made so much sense.

Right, 'cause his face sucks, too.
Totally!

Yeah. I have to find this one post of his.
It was insane.

You know, he has no friends.

He pretends like
he's all dry and witty,

but he's just
a monotone piece of shit.

And being a Satanist
just means you're ugly,

and you're leaning into it.

That's right.

You know what? Can I
get a glass of Malbec?

Unless... Do you want
to get a bottle?

Yeah. Let's get
a bottle of Malbec.

Fucking Gilfoyle.
Right?

Mr. Bighetti.

When you're ready.
Uh, ready for what?

I'm like
the class clown already.

Why is my name on the board?

Oh, no.

Laurie, you wanted to see me?

Oh. Yes, Monica, sit.

Are you pregnant?

Yes.
Congratulations.

On?
On being pregnant.

Oh. Yes.

Friday afternoon,
Ed Chen convinced me

to bid against Coleman Blair
on an app entitled SeeFood.

It's run by Bachman and the one
who smoked in the offices.

Well, I...
Ed is very persuasive.

This morning, he made the case

that since you have a long-standing
relationship with Bachman,

and since you are a talented VC
who deserves a second chance...

His words...
You should take lead.

What?

- - I mean, look at this drawing.

I drew the exact same thing
on my doctor's butt paper.

I mean, Peter had
the exact same idea.

He was just waiting
for compression to catch up,

which it did, thanks to me.

Cheer up, Richard.

Yes, but here's
the best part, okay?

Peter never foresaw the ubiquity

of Internet connected
computing devices. Right?

Camera, refrigerators,
TVs, baby monitors,

not to mention the billions-plus smartphones
that are floating around the world.

I mean, who here
has a smartphone, right?

You, you, me, Jian-Yang,
Dinesh, Monica...

Richard, you don't have
to name everyone you know.

Point is... you all
thought I was crazy

when I walked into the swimming
pool with my clothes on,

but it turns out
I was fucking right.

Okay. So, not crazy.
Opposite. You poor idiots.

How was school, Timmy?

Oh, not great.
They made me teach.

Teach what?
Stanford.

You're a professor at
Stanford now, Big Head?

- No, that would be crazy.
- I'm a guest lecturer.

What are you doing?

It was open,
and you have the keys.

Huh.

Strange.
Did you change the locks?

'Cause the keys were working last
night when I went for my date.

'Cause I haven't come back to
the house since my date, so...

I did sex on her.

Good. Cool. Yeah, that's great.

Nice, man.
Who is she?

Her name is Mia,
and she is a-Mia-zing.

She hates Gilfoyle almost
as much as I do, so...

Huh! Jumping headlong into
a sexual relationship with MI4.

Ballsy. But I'm sure you've
thought through the consequences.

Well, we weren't really doing a lot
of thinking. You know what I mean?

Oh, wow.
Mia is a legit hacker.

People say that she's taken
on the Chinese government,

and here you are, after one meal,
in an intimate relationship.

So?

So what do you think she'll do
if you try to break up with her?

Or disagree with her? Or
disappoint her in any way,

like by confessing
that your badass takedown

of Gavin Belson
was a total accident?

Unless, you've already told her.

It didn't come up.

Well, I'm sure
that when she finds out

that your entire
relationship is based

on a lie of omission,
she'll be very understanding.

So what?
We just won't breakup.

Ever?

Ever.

Erlich.

Do you know how badly Ed Chen
just fucked me with Laurie?

Let me tell you something.

A threesome is always awkward,
especially the first one.

Laurie being
a little bit older...

I'm talking about SeeFood.
What do you and Jian-Yang have?

Oh. A whole lot
of nothing.

Are you... no.
No, no, no, no, no.

SeeFood has to be great.
My job depends on it.

Ed Chen bailed and dumped
the whole thing on me.

Richard, can I speak with you
in the kitchen for a moment?

Yup. Sure.

So, what's up?

Well, here's the thing.

Remember that phone number
you were curious about in here?

Well, it's not a phone number.
It's a patent number.

A patent for exactly what
you were planning to build.

So Peter patented it.

No, I, um...

I spoke to Brian Fong. Who?

Brian Fong.
Oh.

And he told me that Peter was
very excited about the idea,

but there was some resentment

that he wasn't focused more on
what the team was working on,

so one of them went out
and got a patent on it.

Why didn't this guy pursue it?

Well, the patent was
just a roadblock

to keep Peter focused on the
company they were starting...

a company that went on
to be known as Hooli.

Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait. Sst!

So you're telling me that the
perfect application of my algorithm

belongs to Gavin fucking Belson?

I'm afraid so.

Richard,
are... you okay?

Uh, yes. Just putting
something away.

Yep. Not crazy.

Opposite.

Richard, you gotta
let me in. I have your shoe.

All right, I'm...
I'm sorry to barge in here,

but you have to eat
something or you'll...

Hello?

Uh, hi, it's Richard...

Hendricks.
Richard Hendricks.

I'm here for Gavin Belson,
and we really need to talk.

Richard, what is this?

It's a license.

So, if you just sign there
by the post-it note,

then you will never
see me again.

Are you joking?

I guess we could hang out...

Richard, stop talking.

Gavin and his posse
of bandits and cutthroats

would turn on you in a second.

You need me.

I'll kill them with knives.
I'll kill them with guns.

I'll kill them with my hands.
I'll talk them into suicide.

- All right, Jared...

just to be clear, you're not
gonna stab anyone, are you?

Richard.