Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Bachman's Earning's Over-Ride - full transcript

From "Bloomberg West" in San Francisco,

I'm Emily Chang.

General Keith Alexander is here

to tackle tech's role
in counter-terrorism,

but first, a quick glimpse
with Richard Hendricks,

founder and CEO

of the hot new compression
platform Pied Piper,

and Erlich Bachman, Chief Visionary.

Oh, Emily Chang,

it is just splendid to be here with you,

at historical Pier Three,
with a breathtaking view



of the
Embarcadero Center

and the flag of San Francisco.

Now, Richard...

Richard actually developed

this technology in my incubator.

I am listed--
I was originally listed

under the white pages
as "Erlich Blachman,"

uh, with an "L," a typo that
apparently couldn't be changed,

and then Google indexed it, so
I've been dealing with that.

Richard, Pied Piper has
taken off like a rocket.

More than a hundred thousand installs

in just ten days. Is that right?

Uh... uh, yes.

Pretty amazing.



And you have a last-minute invite

to the "Vanity Fair"
Summit dinner tonight.

Quite an honor for such a young company.

Richard, maybe you can
comment on this one?

Yeah, we are the-- finally
the-- the belles of the balls.

I mean, uh, ball.

Now, some people are calling
you the next unicorn.

Have you guys thought about that?

You could have a billion-dollar company.

Erlich, you could own five
percent of a billion dollars.

Uh, ten, actually.

Richard, this is boring.

- Shit.
- No, no, no.

He was--
he was an early investor.

Again, it's... Erlich Bachman.

If you Google that, it'll say,
"Did you mean Erlich Blachman?"

You can click on that link,

it'll give you the correct
results for Erlich Bachman.

Should we take some calls?

We don't do that here.

I just know what I saw, Richard.

No, come on. Look, she's married,
she just had another baby.

If you pushed a little harder, you could
have scored right there on camera.

- You should get her phone number.
- Shut up.

Oh. This is actually, uh,
Jian-Yang pranking me.

I should take it.

Yes, of course I have frog's legs.
Why do you ask?

Are you serious? Have you honestly still
not told him that you sold your shares?

You can't keep lying to him like this.

It's not technically a lie.

My shares don't transfer to Raviga

until the next board meeting.

Come on, it's been ten days.

I know, I know, but, you
know, the TechCrunch thing

came up and then there
was the Reddit AMA

and, you know, now this Bloomberg thing.

And besides, let's be honest, Richard
shouldn't be in the public eye

without me along to help. Did you see the
skeeved-out look on Emily Chang's face?

I thought she was going to walk off set.

Erlich, you're lying to him,

and you made me a part of it,
so now I'm lying to him, too.

The longer you wait, the
worse this is gonna get.

- All right, fine, I'll tell him.
- When?

After the "Vanity Fair" thing tonight.
I mean, did you see the guest list?

Monica, throw me a bone here.

24 hours, then I'm telling him.

- Fine, I'll tell him. I'll tell Richard.
- I'm serious.

- Tell me what?
- I'm not joking--

Um, it was, uh, Jian-Yang.

He said to tell you that
Phillip McCrevis left word.

Oh, who's "Fill-up My--" Oh.

♪

Richard, we'd better get our
asses in first fucking gear

if we want to make it to
this "Verge" photoshoot.

Oh, shit. That's today?

Yes, I assumed that's why you're still

- wearing your Bloomberg makeup.
- No.

No, I was just--
I kind of like the way it--

can we just push this
to next week, please?

They don't really do that.

Okay, well, can you go?

Please? I just have a ton of work,

and honestly I would be really happy

if I never had to do
any of this ever again

and then you were just
the face of the company.

You know what I mean? Oh, shit.

What-- what time is this
"Vanity Fair" thing?

It's tonight. I figure
we're wheels up by 6:00,

then we can check into the hotel,
shit, shave and shit again.

- Get a cocktail.
- What hotel?

Eavesdropping. Well, if you must know,

we got a suite at the Fairmont,
and they're sending a car.

I think Richard deserves it. And
then I figured tomorrow in the a.m.,

we would sleep in and
have a nice brunch.

I don't have time for a brunch.
I have to be back here.

Come on, eggs benny, a little spinach
tartar, you'll flirt with the waitress.

Killer. And, uh, we'll have a nice talk.

- Talk? What about?
- You know, things, all sorts of themes.

So tomorrow, you, me, brunch

and, uh, one word... frittata.

Hey, fellas, is it me or is
it a bit chilly in here?

What in God's name is that?

What do you think it is? It's a jacket!

Now, I only
ordered one as a sample,

but once I have your sizes,
we can all have them.

Why would we all want them?
One is already too many.

I don't mean in the house. I
mean, like, in the world.

Now Gilfoyle, I have you at
about a 40 long? Am I right?

If my mother was naked
and dead in the street,

I would not cover her
body with that jacket.

Gilf.

Jared, now that you're here,

we need two new tables
in the game room. Yeah?

Okay. Well, maybe against the doors?

Oh, hold on, there's more.

Because 'awesome
world-changing compression company'

would take up too much space."

And you guys give me shit
for a tiny gold chain?

I regret nothing. I'm
going to get coffee.

Hey, Brownie, you coming?

I was thinking we'd hit
the Philz on Middlefield.

No, let's drive to the
one on Forest Avenue.

It's further from that jacket.

Claude, you're on pager
duty until we get back.

Jared, can I borrow that jacket?

I sense you're doing
something ironic with it,

but I'm okay with that because...

however unattractive this
jacket may seem to you,

once you slip it on,
everything will change.

It'll shake out its hair
and take off its glasses,

and before you know it,
you'll be in love.

Jared, it's really fucking ugly.

Consider the tortoise.

As the fable teaches us,

it may appear that he
is losing in his race

against his nemesis, the
insolent and cocksure hare.

But appearances can be deceiving.

Gavin, the tortoise. Is it Endframe?

Yes. But there's more.

The hare is Pied Piper.

Indeed it is. Someone's
read their Aesop.

We've also read the financials, Gavin.

Between Nucleus and Endframe,
you've burned through

three-quarters of a billion dollars,

with virtually nothing to show for it.

Two weeks ago, on the
heels of powering down

the entire Hooli campus
for seemingly no reason,

you lost all of Endframe's
senior engineers.

I grant you, we've stumbled
on offense of late,

but the best offense is a good defense.

We've taken a page out
of Apple's playbook

and are currently "reviewing"
the Pied Piper app for sale

in our Hooli store at a pace one
might call "tortoise-like."

Don't. They hate that.

In any case, I have it on good authority

that it may be some
time before Pied Piper

is available on Hooli OS devices.

- We're making it available immediately.
- Sorry?

You're fighting a war that's already
ended, Gavin. Pied Piper won.

We called this board meeting to inform
you that it's time for Hooli to let go

and move on without you at the wheel.

I'm sorry, without me?
Are you firing me?

Our intention is simply
to transition you

into a more appropriate
role within the company,

one with less oversight
of day-to-day operations.

You're putting me on the fucking roof?

You could always choose to
move on, Gavin. Up to you.

I built this company with my
bare hands in my fucking garage.

Where were you when I was doing that?

Gavin?

These animals?

Fuck.

Well, uh, you are certainly more than
qualified to be our new head of PR.

Laurie thinks you're great. Um, to
be honest, we could use the help.

All the media stuff has been pretty
overwhelming, especially lately.

- If Marissa Mayer can do it, so can you.
- Oh.

And, uh, you're available immediately?

I am. I do have one
question for you guys.

Is everything here... cool?

Is it cool? Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I'm-- I'm cool.

- Yeah, he is cool.
- Uh-huh.

Clearly, but is there
anything you guys want

to tell me... about the company?

What, like, uh--

All right, look, this is weird,

but when I was in Laurie's
office yesterday,

I saw a piece of paper on her desk.

Well, she--
she can be a bit untidy.

It was a sale of a big
block of Pied Piper stock.

Is someone on the inside

dumping shares right
as you're launching?

What?

No. No, absolutely not.

'Cause that would be a pretty
severe signaling risk.

I mean, you don't have to be
in PR to know that insiders

only dump stock like that when
they know something is wrong.

The bulk of my compensation
here would be options,

and if those aren't going
to be worth anything--

Yeah. No. No, no, no.

That is not happening, okay?
Nothing is going on here.

- Yeah, except excellence.
- Okay.

Well, you let me know
what you want to do

and I'll think about it.

Okay. Oh.

Um, well, thanks for coming.

What the hell was that?

Maybe it was a negotiating tactic?

Monica.

It's Monica.

Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

I mean, she's the only one
who's bought a jacket.

Jared, she's the only one
who hates the platform.

There's no other explanation for this.
Okay? Monica fucked us.

She pulled down her pants and
fucked us in front of her parents.

Did some-- Richard, did
somebody do that to you?

No. No, I don't know why--

Oh, boy, it is chilly.

Good thing I brought
this sweet jiz-acket.

Eh, friend? We came here together.

I know what you're doing.

You think you're embarrassing me,

but that's only the secondary
effect of that shitty jacket.

The primary effect is...

that you
look like a douchebag.

Let me put this in terms
you'll understand.

I'm like a suicide
bomber of humiliation.

I'm happy to go out as long
as I take you with me.

Your shame is my paradise.

S'up, ladies?

What you noshing on? Cranberry scone?

My friend Dinesh here has a
little crush on you. He's shy.

I don't know him.

Oh, he plays coy.

I don't know why he's so shy.

Excuse me. I noticed your jacket.

Do you work for Pied Piper?

- Yeah.
- Dude, your app is killin' it.

Everyone I know is installing it.

Do you seriously? I just
downloaded it last night.

Yeah? Do you mind if we get a picture?

- With me?
- Yeah. Everybody get in.

If you want it.

- Thanks.
- Thanks, bro.

Hey, man, did you remember
to put money in the meter?

Hi, I'm Dinesh. I work at Pied Piper.

Excuse me, do I know you?

Gilfoyle.

He's a fuckin' dick, but
I love him, though.

You have me confused with someone else.

My name's clearly Jared, and if you
would excuse us, you were interrupting.

No, he's lying. His name is Gilfoyle.
Show them your driver's license.

Jared asked you nicely to step back,

so step the fuck back. You're being
a dick, and you're cutting in line.

You heard him. You're being a dick.

- Boy, some people.
- What a creep.

Sorry you had to
deal with that, Jared.

You and me both, friend.

This is Monica.

Is it? Because apparently
everything else

that comes out of your mouth is a lie.

Shit.

Look, Richard, I totally
understand if you're pissed at me,

but please know that I tried as hard
as I could to get him to tell you.

Oh, really? Well, that's
not what he said.

Oh, really? What exactly did he say?

He said that he found it on a piece
of paper in Laurie's office.

What? Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Who's
the "he" that you're talking about?

You know who. David.

- My brother?
- What?

Who the fuck-- I don't know.

No, David, the fucking PR guy

who's not going to take a job
with us because of what you did.

Richard, I am totally lost. What
exactly do you think I did?

You can play dumb all you want to.
It won't change the one thing

that both you and I know is true.
You dumped your stock.

What? No. I didn't dump a single
share of my Pied Piper stock.

I swear. Well, then who the fuck did?

And make sure that the money reads.

I mean, Pied Piper is a
billion-dollar company.

It's not just a unicorn.

All right, let's do some rearing.

There we go. Now, let's let the horns

sort of look like my dick. Perfect.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Richard.

Um, can we take a soft five?

I was going to tell you. That's
what tomorrow's brunch was for.

Brunch? You had ten fucking days
and you didn't say a thing.

Fine. You want to know
why I didn't tell you?

Because it's fucking humiliating.
I'm broke, Richard.

Did you hear me? I'm broke.

Erlich Bachman, the name that used
to be synonymous with success,

went broke and was forced to sell.

- I got royally fucked, Richard.
- You got fucked?

You're the one who threw
a million-dollar party.

- Yeah, but it was a great party.
- No one forced you to do that.

Admit it, you fucked yourself.

But I'm not gonna let
you fuck my company.

I'm going to have to
issue a press release

explaining what you did and why.

No, no, come on. This isn't out.

- It's one PR guy.
- That we know of, Erlich.

How many other people saw
that piece of paper?

How many people has this guy talked to?

This is Silicon Valley.

Rumors spread like light speed here.

How are we gonna get good
people to work for us

if they think something funky
is going on with our stock?

How are we going to scale?
This is going to kill us.

Richard, do you know what
happens if this goes public?

- I'm Ron Wayne.
- Who?

Ron Wayne. The guy that owned ten
percent of Apple and sold it in 1976.

No one in this town will
work with me ever again.

You want me to risk the
entire future of Pied Piper,

everything that I've worked for,

just to protect you from your
own fucking incompetence?

Richard, there's a three
to four percent chance

that this is going to
get out on its own,

but there is 100 percent chance

that if you issue a press release

no one will ever take
me seriously again.

My dignity is in your hands, Richard.

Do with it what you will.

Gavin? Is that you?

- Jack Barker.
- Nice plane.

- Yours too.
- Where are you headed?

I just needed to take a
walk and clear my head.

There's this great little hiking
trail near my lodge in Jackson Hole.

Get out of here. I'm on my
way up to J Hole myself.

Is that right? I thought you sold.

No, I just never go there.

So how long you going for?

Coming back tomorrow afternoon.

- Me, too.
- Oh, come on. Come on.

Seriously, we need to find a couple
hours, get together, catch up.

I could tell you some war stories.

Well, I'd love that.

I could tell you a few of my own.

Well, be well.

- You, too.
- Take care, Jack.

- Yeah.
- See you.

Gavin? Wait.

Uh, what are we doing here?

I mean, you're on your way to Jackson
Hole, I'm going to Jackson Hole.

You seem like you could
use some company.

- You play chess?
- I do. Indeed.

Fantastic. I tell you,
when we get up to altitude

and the Wi-Fi kicks in, I'm
ActionJB62 on Hooli chat.

- Find me.
- I will.

- I'm glad we bumped into each other.
- Me, too.

- Really is a small world.
- It's crazy.

Okay, well, uh, I think it reads well.

And it's all in there. This will
definitely set the record straight.

Then again, you're basically
lighting Erlich on fire.

So what? He fucked the company.

He potentially fucked the company.

Are you kidding me? Wh--
Gilfoyle, back me up here.

This is thorny.

How is this even a
question for you guys?

Honestly? I mean, it's
not like he's going

to be out on the street.
He just sold ten percent

of a company that's valued at
at least 50 million dollars

and now suddenly we're giving
him the benefit of the doubt?

Well, it sounds mighty
Christian of you, Gilfoyle.

There's no reason for
hate speech, Richard.

I can see by the sour,
pinched expressions

on all your faces that
Richard has filled you in

regarding the unfortunate
circumstances that have forced me

to relinquish my stake
in your fair company.

Erlich, uh, you should know that
I have written a press release.

- Oh?
- I'm not going to release it yet,

but if I hear wind of these rumors

spreading out of control, I'm going
to send it to every tech publication

and blog on the face of the earth.
Do you understand?

- Even UPROXX?
- Yes, even them.

Also, uh...

this is the check for next month's
use of the house as our office,

but we'll be out by
the end of the month.

Richard, it doesn't
have to be like this.

From this point forward,
you will have nothing

to do with this company whatsoever.

I'm replacing you on the board,

and I'm giving your seat to Jared.

- So that's it then.
- Yes.

So I guess we better get ready
for that "Vanity Fair" event.

What?

Did you not listen to
a word I just said?

I heard thousands of words about rumors

and the need to contain them.
What do you think would happen

if I didn't show up to
this "Vanity Fair" event?

I've already RSVP'd
and given them a list

of phony dietary restrictions
just to cause a scene.

I told them I was pesca-pescatarian.

Which is one who eats solely
fish who eat other fish.

I think my absence would be noted.

- Erlich brings up a good point.
- It's true.

Let us not forget
Meinertzhagen's Havers--

Yes, yes, Meinertzhagen's Haversack.

We all remember his sack.

Okay, fine. Yeah.

Sure. You can come. I can't stop you.

Uh, I'll be taking the
car and the hotel room

and you're going to
have to drive yourself.

Consider it my farewell dinner.

See you at the event.

- Jared, are you okay?
- It's just so many emotions.

The board seat. I feel regret and glee

that you would choose to honor me,

and terror at not living up

to your expectations,

and compassion for Erlich's loss.

Oh, Donald, you've come undone.

You still want him on the board?

Hi, there. Checking in.
Richard Hendricks.

Fuck me. Hey, Richie.

Oh, God. Hey, Russ.

What's up, boy genius? You here fucking?

Huh? No. No, no, no fucking.

Just, uh, here for the
"Vanity Fair" dinner.

Oh, yeah, I know that stupid dinner.

Bunch of VC douchebags
jerking each other off.

Speaking of, I got this girl at
the bar, I'm trying to take her

up to the presidential suite
before her fucking bridesmaids

ruin the whole thing, but
they're telling me it's booked.

Who is it? Is it Gore? Fuck that guy.

- Oh, God.
- I saw Pied Piper launched.

Haven't tried it, probably won't.

I don't even want to think
about how fucked I got

missing out on Erlich's shares. Fuck.

Wait, he-- he tried to
sell you his shares?

Well, half of them. He was pretty
desperate to stay on the team.

Well, he didn't mention
anything about this to me.

Of course not. Why would he? It's fucking
humiliating losing all your money.

You think when I dropped below a billion
I walked around telling everybody?

Fuck no. You guys were
the only ones who knew,

and I actually thought
about having you killed.

- I'm sorry, what?
- So Erlich and I, like two weeks ago,

we had a contract ready... five mil I
was gonna pay him for half his shares.

It was a win-win. Then
that robot, Laurie Bream,

sweeps in and cockblocks
the whole thing.

She forces him to sell her all
his shares. You think she's gay?

Maybe. It hasn't come up. I,
uh-- so wait, she outbid you?

Outbid me? No, she didn't have to.

You don't even know how your own
fucking company works?

All right, Mr. Hendricks, we
have you staying one night

- in a deluxe double.
- Okay, do you have a tub in that room?

Does he have a tub in that room?

I don't know. There's no way of telling.

You know what? Fuck it. I'm
gonna take her to the "W."

She's so drunk she won't know the
difference. See you around, Richie.

Hey, it's CJ.
Listen, I'm hearing a rumor

about some serious ugliness
going on at Pied Piper.

I've heard it from three different
people now. You need to call me.

Fuck.

What in God's name is the
reason to get a higher education?

You can just buy a
megafreeze for 35 cents.

Laurie, can I talk to you for a second?

Yes, uh, Richard Hendricks,

- do you know Mark Pincus?
- Hello.

- Big fan.
- Oh, okay. Yes.

- Sorry, just one second.
- Yes. Oh, all right.

I'm sorry to cut away like this.
We can continue discussing this.

Okay, uh, look,

I know Erlich sold you
all of his shares.

I'm just, uh, wondering
exactly how that happened.

Ah, yes. It was one of my finer moments.

Erlich came to me with an outside offer
to sell half of his Pied Piper shares.

To Russ Hanneman for five
million dollars. Yes, I know.

But somehow you ended up
with all of his shares. How?

Oh, well, as you know, the same
onerous terms you accepted

when you took Russ Hanneman's money,

they transferred to me
when I bought him out.

These included the right to
block any transfer of stocks

with a majority vote of the board.
A board which I control.

- I don't understand.
- Of course you do.

If I have approval of any buyer,

and I am the only buyer I approve,

then I can set my own price.

So I asked Mr. Bachman for a thorough
accounting of his debts, uh,

which ran to approximately $713,000.

And how much did you give him?

$713,000.

Jesus. So, he walked away with nothing.

Uh, yes. And so as I said,

you're the one who accepted these terms,

so you're the one who enabled
this action on my part.

All credit goes to you, Richard.
Excuse me.

Dick. Dick Costolo. One moment.

I need to speak with you.

It's expensive to re-plant.

No. The vines are bad. The soil is bad.

Excuse me, what is that?

That's pesca-pescatarian.

- It's fish that--
- Actually, just bring me one of those.

- Me, too.
- Yeah, waiter, I'll take on, too.

- I want one.
- I want one of those also.

Wait, hey, hey,
I'd like that also.

Excuse me, if he's
having one, I want one.

You're getting that,
I want it, too. Excuse me!

Hey, I thought you were at the dinner.

I left.

Erlich never showed. Is he here?

Yeah. He's hiding in the backyard.

- Why?
- Have you not seen the article?

No.

"Is Erlich Bachman the
Dumbest Man in Tech?"

What the hell is this? I
never sent anything out.

- Who did they talk to?
- Erlich.

This is CJ's blog. He outed
himself to protect Pied Piper.

This is way harsher than
anything you ever wrote.

Plus, there's the visual component.

Speaking of... where's
your jacket, Jared?

That's quite a piece.

Informative. Thorough.

You certainly know how
to make an impact.

And I guess I don't have to worry
about any rumors coming out.

Those are handled.

You know, Erlich, uh, Pied Piper
still needs a head of PR.

You seem to be well-versed
in media outreach.

And by your own admission
in that article,

your head is--
what did you say?

--so far up your own ass
you can see the future.

And that could be useful...

if we need a pre-cog...

in a way?

Uh, I don't know if
you're available, so...

Are you offering me a job?

Well, we have a good option package.

Um, it won't be quite what
you had, but it's something.

That's very generous.

So things could go back to
the way they were before.

Well, no. No. Not exactly
the way they were.

No, no. Uh, well, this
would be an actual job

and you would have responsibilities.

Would this job have a title?

Something, say, Chief
Evangelism Officer?

So, CEO?

- Oh, my goodness!
- What the fuck was that?

Richard.

The Pied Piper app just got
accepted to the Hooli store.

What? Holy shit.

Gavin Belson just presented us with
his bare buttocks in submission.

We beat him. I
don't-- I don't hug. No.

Um, okay, hey, look, uh, time to issue
your first press release, right?

It's very late, Richard,
and I'm very high.

Erlich, I don't care.

You have to do it, okay? Now.

- It's your job.
- Okay.

- All right.
- Oh!

CJ Cantwell. Erlich Bachman.

The reason I'm calling has
absolutely nothing to do

whatsoever with the fact
that I own half of your blog

and everything to do with the fact that

I was just named Chief Evangelism
Officer of Pied Piper.

Feel free to abbreviate that,
whatever acronym is most economical.

And I have a story.

Well, if it's anything like
this last one, I am all for it.

I am getting so many paid
views on your tell-all.

Everyone in the Valley is reading it.

Well, that's good... for you...

at my expense, I guess.

Anyway, I had no choice.

As you said, it was going to
come out one way or another.

Why? No one knew about any
of it until you told me.

What do you mean? You said that you
had heard from a bunch of people

that there are all these rumors about
ugly shit going down at Pied Piper.

That's literally the only reason
that I told you any of this.

What? Oh, yeah, three
different people told me

that Pied Piper had the ugliest
jackets they'd ever seen.

Jackets?

I was going to do, like, a whole
swag fail thing, you know.

That could have been cool, no?

Who the fuck cares about jackets?

♪ Hey, come on, babe ♪

♪ Follow me ♪

♪ I'm the Pied Piper ♪

♪ Follow me, I'm the Pied Piper ♪

♪ And I'll show you where it's at ♪

♪ Come on, babe can't you see? ♪

♪ I'm the Pied Piper, trust in me ♪

♪ I'm the Pied Piper ♪

♪ And I'll show you where it's at ♪

♪ Girl, don't be scared to move ♪

♪ Hey, babe, what are
you tryin' to prove? ♪

♪ It ain't true that your
life has kicked you ♪

♪ It's your mind and that's
all that's trickin' you ♪

♪ So step in line ♪

♪ Hey, come on, babe, follow me ♪

♪ I'm the Pied Piper, follow me ♪

♪ I'm the Pied Piper ♪

♪ And I'll show you where it's at ♪

♪ Come on, babe, can't you see? ♪

♪ Come on, babe, follow me ♪

♪ I'm the Pied Piper ♪