Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Meinertzhagen's Haversack - full transcript

Here it is.

This is your future.

One of your Pied Piper boxes

would go right here in this rack.

Okay. (SIGHS)

MAN: Okay.

Let me show you the next location

in which we would install
one of your boxes.

GILFOYLE: Richard. What the
fuck are we doing here?

I don't like it any more than you do.

I told Jack we'd come
check this place out



and then we'd have a discussion.

DINESH: I can't believe
you suggested the idea

of building a fucking appliance.

I didn't, okay?

I pitched it as an example
of what not to do

and the fucking sales guys ran with it.

I didn't want to go to enterprise.

You were the ones who
said it would be fine.

- No, we didn't say that.
- You said it all the time.

That's not what we said. That is not...

Here it is. This is where another one

of your Pied Piper boxes would go.

Okay. Good.

Okay. Let me show you the next location



- in which we would install...
- Actually, you know what?

Sorry. No offense, but once
you see one space in a rack,

you've kind of seen them all.

That's what I used to think...

until I saw them all.

Would you like to see your desks?

- Our desks?
- What?

♪ ♪

This is where we would install

a Pied Piper engineer.

Sorry. Why, exactly, would
we need to be here?

Your sales representative promised
24-hour-a-day, on-site maintenance...

at least for the first year.

So, one of us would have to be down here

for a year?

Even at night?

There's really no difference
between day and night down here,

so it makes things easy.

Okay, well, we should
probably get going. Now.

- Almost right now.
- Yeah, right now even.

Okay. There are 16 stairwells.

Which one would you like to see first?

Just whatever's as fast as possible.

- Your favorite one.
- Hmm.

Okay.

♪ ♪

- Oh!
- You see these fucking mole people?

Hey, where did John go?

GILFOYLE: Oh shit. Did he go in a room?

No. Uh... probably around here.

(LOUDLY) Hey, John?

- John?
- Oh. Uh... John?

- John!
- Oh shit.

GILFOYLE: John!

- DINESH: Where is he? John!
- John!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

We can't take my algorithm

and put it in a box and
bury it at Maleant.

- We just can't.
- I think this thing is dead.

Jack, look, I have no doubt

that your guys can sell a box

and an appliance may be
a good short-term play,

but in the long term,
we need to be building

- our full-time platform.
- Gloria!

Could you call the fish guy
and see what kind of warranty

we have one these things? I
think one of them is dead.

(SIGHS) Jack, please.

You said that when we
got back from Maleant

- we would discuss this.
- Okay, let's discuss it.

Take a look at the Conjoined
Triangles of Success.

Now, what do those two
triangles make together?

- A square?
- A box. They make a box.

- You can't make that shit up.
- But you literally did make it up.

Yes, I did. And now they teach
it at business schools.

But I was only referring to the
serendipity of the coincidence.

Look, if we build you the box,

will you promise to let us build
the platform when it's done?

We'll think about then then.

Now we need to worry about now.

Build me a box... now.

♪ ♪

How'd it go?

Uh, not well.

All right, then.

What do you... What do you mean?
What are you doing?

Well, first, I'm changing
my Linkedln status...

to "Looking for work."

That box is artless commerce.
I won't be a party to it.

So, you're just gonna quit?

Just like that? How...
How can you do that?

By saying the words "I" and "quit"

in conjunction together...
i.e., I quit.

Well, there's actually
some paperwork involved.

Hey, can I have that
USB missile launcher?

I'll just fish it out
of the trash later.

RICHARD: Gilfoyle, come on.

Give me some time to
figure a way out of this,

'cause if you quit now,

you're gonna lose all your shares.

And what if Barker changes his mind
and lets us build the platform?

And the odds of that are?

- (CELL PHONE BEEPS)
- Oh.

Already? Recruiters
move fast these days.

This is Gilfoyle. Dazzle me.

♪ ♪

More recruiter swag?

You got an Oculus?

- Yup.
- That's a hoverboard?

How many meetings are you taking?

None. That's the irony.

The more meetings I turn down, the
more these recruiters send me.

- What are you doing?
- Eating popcorn.

- That's my popcorn.
- You have seven tubs of it.

You could be the mayor of Popcornopolis.

Don't eat the caramel. You can
have the cheese or the plain.

- You're leaving me with the cheddar?
- That's right. Dick.

Hey, can I borrow this?
Just for a little bit?

No. Whoa, whoa, hold on.

You're wearing a gold chain?

Oh, right. Yeah, I've
had it for a while.

Just kind of throw it
on every now and then.

None of that is true.

- I definitely would've noticed.
- Okay, listen.

I've been working hard. I'm
making money for the first time.

I was like... buy myself
something nice, you know?

But instead of that, you bought a chain?

You're just jealous I
have a salary, quitter.

And you are too legit to quit,

eh, MC Hamas?

- Fuck off.
- Later, Chain the Virgin.

Well, Gilfoyle, looks
like your recruiters

are gonna have to take
back their gift baskets,

because I just got off
the phone with Monica

and she's getting me in to
see Laurie this morning

so I can tell her what's going on.

But you're... you're going
over your CEO's head?

That is a serious breach of protocol.

I mean, if Jack finds
out, he'll be furious.

Hey, when you push a man so far,

he goes out, buys a gun, and
shoots everyone in a bank.

- Whoa.
- No, I wouldn't, I wouldn't.

I'm not...
I'm not going to.

Just... The point is,

what other option do I have, anyway?

What other option do you have, Richard?

Can I speak with you alone, please? Hmm?

♪ ♪

Are you angry with me, Richard?

Have I done something to offend you?

No. What are you talking about?

You know, when you and the boys picked
up and went to the new offices,

and didn't invite me along...

I didn't say anything.

Yeah, because you don't
work at Pied Piper.

And you haven't let me forget that

for even one moment, have you, Richard?

I-I-I... I'm having
trouble tracking this.

I don't know what you're mad about.

You publicly proclaimed, "I
have to go over Barker's head

because what other option do I have?"

What other option do you have, Richard?

- Uh...
- 'Cause there is another option,

and he's standing here,
looking you in the face,

and you're staring back
like he don't even exist.

Just to be... as clear as
I possibly can be here,

are you trying to tell me that
you want to talk to Barker?

No, Richard, I don't
want to talk to Barker.

I want you to want me to talk to Barker.

You know... at this point, if
it'll make you feel better,

sure, you can go talk to Barker.

See?

Was that so hard?

Actually, yes, that was
painfully difficult.

♪ ♪

Yeah, she's definitely dead.

I'm sorry for your loss. Gloria!

Gloria! Gl... Oh!

Would you... take this
daughter of Neptune

back from whence she came?

The toilet, dear. That's okay.

What can I do for you, Mr. Bachman?

Ah yes, to the matter at hand.

I spoke with Richard about
the box project, and...

Well, here are some of my
thoughts in no particular order.

- Why a box?
- What information do I not already have?

I'm sorry?

I said, "What information
do I not already have?"

I already have a five-year run
rate plus a full market forecast

for my appliance. I have the
same for Richard's platform.

I've heard all of his
engineering team's complaints.

So, before you waste time

with some freeform jazz odyssey
of masturbatory bullshit,

just tell me what concrete
information you have for me

that I do not already possess!

♪ ♪

Richard. (SIGHS)

The way I see it, you've
got about two options.

One, you build yourself the box.

Two, you get Laurie Bream
on the phone ASAP.

All right, I'll see you
back at the house.

Okay.

Ah. Hiroki-san.

(SPEAKS JAPANESE)

♪ ♪

Umm... What is that one?

It is a question mark
made of human hair,

harvested, apparently,
from dead people in India.

It's a pun. It signifies that

at Raviga, we ask the
big, hairy questions.

Right. Speaking of questions...

What should we do about Jack?

Well, I concur with your assessment

that a backup appliance
for data centers seems

an uninspired application
of your technology.

I will contact him and we'll have

a frank discussion about this.

Great. I really appreciate
you hearing me out on this.

And it goes without
saying, I was never here.

Oh?

What?

You are here. Now.

What Richard means is he would prefer

if you didn't tell Jack that he came
here to talk to you about this.

Yes, because the other
interpretation makes no sense.

- ♪
♪
- (PHONE RINGS)

Jack, Laurie Bream on line one.

(WHISPERING) Guys. Guys, it's happening.
It's happening.

Hello.

Okay. Drop the hammer, Laurie Bream.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

What are you doing? He's
going to see you looking.

I can't see 'cause of
these fucking monitors.

- Whose fucking fault is that, okay?
- It's not my... Shh!

Something's happening.

What?

What's happening? What's happening?

Oh, man. Barker's pissed.

How pissed? Scale of one to 10.

- Oh my God. Seven.
- Fuck.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Like
a nine, nine and a half.

DINESH: Fuck! I'm missing everything.

I'm going to go to the kitchen.

He doesn't know. I could be hungry.

(SLAMS)

It's over. It's over.

I missed the whole fucking thing

because of these fucking monitors.

Richard? Jack would like
to see you in his office.

Oh. Okay.

If you'll excuse me, gentlemen,

I'm gonna go ask Action Jack
how Laurie's dick tastes.

- D... No.
- Yeah.

You wanted to see me, chief?

Sure, come on in, Richard. Grab a seat.

RICHARD: Sure.

- (CLICKS)
- (WHIRS)

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Okay.

So, guess who I just got
off the phone with.

Uh... I have no idea. Who?

- Laurie Bream.
- Laurie... Bream. From Raviga?

Exactly. She was pretty adamant

that the whole box project
here at Pied Piper was...

(SIGHS) woefully misguided.

Whoa. Strong words. Wow.

In fact, it was her opinion that we
should immediately abandon the box

in favor of the consumer
platform version of Pied Piper

which I believe you and
your guys were bucking for.

Oh, I don't know about "bucking,"

but yeah. Yeah, well, hey, look,

- Laurie Bream is the investor.
- Yeah.

She is the investor.

Anyway, she wanted a comprehensive,

go-to-market strategy

for the platform version
within 48 hours.

Wow. Well, what Laurie
wants, Laurie gets.

So... yeah. We should
probably get started on that.

No, we shouldn't, Richard.

We're not building the platform.

We're building a box.

(SCOFFS) Okay, but...

didn't Laurie say that
she wanted the platform?

Yes, she said that, and then I said

that if Pied Piper was
going to build a platform,

she would have to fire me.

Uh, what did she say?

She said she was not interested
in doing that at this time.

And did she say anything after that?

We're building the box, Richard.

Twelve weeks from today, we're going to
present her a prototype of that box.

So, let's get it done.

- (CLICKS)
- (WHIRS)

Okay.

Yup.

- (CLICKS)
- (WHIRS)

One more thing, Richard.

If you're going to shoot the king,

you better be goddamn sure you kill him.

You understand what that means?

(HESITANTLY) Yeah-ar.

Did you just say... "Yar"?

No.

♪ ♪

Look at us. Two rogues
on the King's Highway.

Let the rats run in their maze.

We chose this. This is our destiny.

- Freedom. Isn't that right, Gilfoyle?
- (LIGHTER FLICKS)

- Did you say something?
- Of course.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

If it's more popcorn, tell
'em we're at capacity.

It's a guy from "Men in Black."

- Bertram Gilfoyle?
- Yeah.

I'm here on behalf of Twen-X recruiting,

- I'm supposed to give you this.
- Pappy Van Winkle.

Now we're talking. I'll take it.

They told me not to give it to
you until after the meeting.

I respect your skills.

Let me get my jacket.

She was supposed to talk
Barker out of making the box.

What the fuck happened?

- Richard.
- What?

I was on the call, okay?
She tried, he said no.

- Well, then she should fire him.
- She can't fire him.

Why not? She fired me.

Exactly. She can't fire him
because she fired you.

Firing a young CEO and installing
a much more experienced one

looks like leadership.

Firing two CEOs in a
month looks like chaos.

Richard, look, I'm sorry,

but I think the box is here to stay.

Okay? Laurie's gonna have to
pretend to be in favor of it.

She'll probably issue press releases

talking about how it's the best
application of your visionary technology.

Is there nothing that we can say
to Laurie to change her mind?

If I could control Laurie,

do you really think I'd be looking

out my office door at that monstrosity?

Jeez, Monica, he's not that bad.

I mean, he's a little ugly, I guess.

Oh, the question mark. Sorry.

♪ ♪

Mr. Gilfoyle. We're ready for you.

The guys cannot wait to see you again.

Again?

- MARC: Gilfoyle.
- What the fuck?

Good to see you again, buddy.
Why don't you have a seat?

You stole half of our algorithm.

You think you can bring me in here

and pay me to give you the rest?

Oh. No. We want you

because you're a full-stack engineer.

We already paid someone else for
the missing piece of middle-out.

- Bullshit.
- Do you know Naveen and Eric,

who, until very recently, headed
up engineering at Nucleus?

- Hey, man.
- What's up?

- Nope.
- Well, I'm sure you at least recognize

the code they brought us.

That's exactly how they had it.

Okay. So, Endframe has our
entire prediction loop,

down to the last fucking semicolon.

So, Nucleus stole half our IP,

and Endframe stole the other half.

And now they've knitted them together.

So, while we are busy
building Barker's box,

Endframe is beating us to
market with a platform.

So, basically, we are a fucking
mediocre appliance company.

At least we'll make a
little money doing it.

Oh, great. So, you can go back to the
car wash and buy some more chains.

Huh, Pakistani Mr. T?

Fuck you.

Wait. Are you not wearing it?

You're not. Did you take it off

- because I was fucking with you?
- DINESH: No.

It was itchy on my neck, so...

Bullshit.

That was a bad decision.

You flinched. Now the
pain will never end.

(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry to say
it, but Gilfoyle's right.

You're making it worse. Sorry, Django.

Django?

(LAUGHS) Unchained.

Great. Now even fucking
Jared is busting my balls.

I am. I'm...
I'm busting your balls.

DINESH: You know what? If
you're gonna give me shit

for it anyway, I'm
just going to wear it.

RICHARD: Okay, Jared.
Congratulations, by the way,

but we have our own balls
to worry about, all right?

Look, how are we going
to save the platform?

What choice do we have?
Barker is the CEO.

We have to do what he says.

Or do we?

I don't know. I don't want
to lie down for this, okay?

I don't want to just give up so easily.

Richard, unfortunately, in this case I
think we have to roll over and take it.

(LOUDLY) Or do we?

- Erlich, you have something to say?
- Richard...

when George Washington
founded a little startup

we've come to know as these
United States of America,

and he was tired of getting shit
from his CEO, the King of England,

did he just roll over and
take it from behind?

No. He called on his
ride-or-die homeboys,

Tommy Jefferson, Benny Franklin,

and Alex Hamilton... who was
half-black, so that's Dinesh.

I'm not half-black.

He said, "Avast, ye fellow badasses,

let's build this country the
way we motherfucking want to."

And so, Richard, if we want
to build the platform,

all we need to do is...

build the platform.

That was underwhelming.

Perhaps you can go into
slightly more detail?

We tell Barker exactly
what he wants to hear.

That way, he thinks we're
being good little boys.

But what we're actually doing

is building the platform.
Think about it.

What's he gonna do?

- Call the cops.
- Actually, no.

Erlich may be onto something.

If all we gave him was the platform,

Jack would have no other option

than to embrace it and say
it was his idea all along,

because at that point, he
can't tell Laurie the truth.

What? That he had absolutely no idea

what was going on inside
of his own company?

He'd look like an idiot.

And Laurie wants the
platform, anyway, so...

she'd be good for it.

(SNAPPING FINGERS) Okay.

We build... a skunkworks.

A secret company inside the company.

We go all "Ocean's Eleven" on his ass.

Hold on. "Ocean's Eleven"?

It's a 2001 casino heist film,

starring Julia Roberts and 11 men.

I know what it is, Jared.

I'm saying not only are we
going to have to engineer,

code, and stand up a full
platform on our own,

we also have to make Jack
and his sales weasels think

we're working on the
box the entire time.

And if we fuck anything
up and get caught,

he could take our stock and
probably have us arrested.

- All right, I'm in.
- Well, you're insane.

No, Dinesh, that chain is insane.

And not in the membrane.

Sorry, Cypress Halal.

- (LAUGHS)
- RICHARD: Okay, Jared, settle down.

But this? This is fucking genius.

Okay, how do we even
begin to pull it off?

Okay. Well, let's work through it.

- ♪
♪
- I can generate fake status reports,

purchase orders, deliverables updates,

and I can liaise with
sales to coordinate

what custom features we
need to pretend to build.

RICHARD: Okay, great, yeah,

but faking the box is going
to be the easy part.

Building the platform
is the real challenge.

Gilfoyle, where are we
on the server space?

That's gonna be tricky.

When we started moving out of
the house, I dismantled Anton.

All the racks, GPUs, and cables
are in storage at the office.

- We're gonna have to break him out.
- That's a shit-ton of hardware.

Unless we do it one piece at a time,

like "Shawshank Redemption"

or "The Great Escape," you know?

I'd have bigger clothing
on the day, but...

- Wait.
- Wait.

I've got a better idea.

Let's say these Legos are Anton,

sad stacks of server components

lying dormant in storage.

Sneaking all of him out
would be too difficult.

So, if we can't break Anton out,

maybe we can break in.

RICHARD: Stand the servers
up right where they are.

- Can we do that?
- Easy.

I can run cable through the
drop panel in the ceiling

all the way to the
building's main power panel.

When I pull a little bit of power

from each of the other
tenants, no one will know.

Guys, I hate to keep
shitting on your campfire,

but servers are not the real issue.

We have a manpower problem.

There's a ton of engineering
to be done on the platform.

Yeah, he's right, but we have
to pay them under the table.

I know just the right man for the job.

You guys are fucking nuts, but I dig it.

Here's the deal. I'm going to
need the back pay you guys owe me

for when I was working for free,

not to mention lost
wages from my old job.

Oh, and damages from when
Jared sexually harassed me

into being friends with
that Monica chick.

So... all that and you're in?

In? No.

That's just to keep me
from telling Barker

about your secret project.

What? Are you serious?

Oh yeah.

Well, there goes most of our cash.

DINESH: We just got
extorted for $20,000.

Fuck Carla. She was dead weight, anyway.

- What's next?
- GILFOYLE: I just thought of something.

It's a big problem, but I
think I've got a solution.

Hello, this is Bertram Gilfoyle.

Yes, I'm still available,

and I would reconsider sitting
down with you and your clients

if you send four large pizzas

to 5230 Newell Road

in 30 minutes or less.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

(SHOUTS)

♪ ♪

Okay. I think that covers it.

We've thought of everything.
We have a plan.

- Everybody in?
- In.

- In.
- Fuck yes, I'm in.

And I'm in to the idea of taking

a bigger leadership role in the company.

We're not gonna make the same mistakes...

Okay, Erlich, just...
just say, "In."

- We're all just saying, "In."
- I'm in... volved.

Hey, you can't spell
"involved" without an "in."

Just be in. Uh, Dinesh?

All right, fuck it, I'm in...
but on one condition.

I'm going to need everyone
to solemnly swear,

that they will no longer
make fun of my gold chain.

Not a word ever again.

Well, guys, I think
we can agree to that.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

This plan better fucking work
with a sacrifice like this.

Shall we drink from the
teat of Pappy to celebrate?

I think I might actually
enjoy going to work now.

Wait.

We can't enjoy going to work.

Meinertzhagen's haversack.

- What?
- Meinertzhagen's haversack.

No one? Really?

No one's heard of
Meinertzhagen's haversack?

Of course I have, Jared.
Just explain it to them.

Well, it's a principle
of military deception.

Essentially, it means you have
to continue to act the part.

So, as far as anyone knows,

we're still building a box that we hate.

We need to act like it.

That's exactly right.

If we do anything differently,
Barker's going to be onto us.

We have to keep
complaining about Barker.

We have to keep bitching about the box.

We have to keep making
fun of your gold chain.

We have to. We don't have
any other choice, Dinesh.

- He's right.
- It's a shame, Bell Biv Dinesh,

but unfortunately, that chain is...
poison.

All right. To skunkworks!

- Hey, all right.
- I don't usually drink

at 7:30 in the morning, but... (LAUGHS)

All right.

Hey, guys, look, we have to
shred everything in this house

- that pertains to skunkworks.
- If anyone catches wind

of anything that we've
done here, we are fucked.

♪ ♪

Okay, you guys, this is it.

No turning back now.

Dinesh, I have a few
premium chain insults

that I'm going to lay on
you when we get in there.

Not for myself, obviously,
but for the team.

I just might have one too.
Sorry in advance.

Yeah. Great.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Have at it, assholes.

- ♪ My smoke thick, my jewels gold ♪
- (ECHOING)

♪ My shoes new, these hoes chose ♪

♪ My pistol work, my looks kill ♪

♪ Bitch text me, her rent here ♪

♪ Fuck with me, you know I got it ♪

♪ Fuck with me, you know I got it ♪

♪ Sexy bitch, I hope... ♪

Hey, Dinesh, nice chain.
Do you choke your mother

with it when you put your
penis in her butthole?

What the fuck? Oh shit!

Oh. Richard. Here, I've got it.

No, no, no, that's private. Excuse me.

Skunkworks?

Private information.

Uh, Keith, where are you going?

(WHISPERS) Richard, why did you bring

all the skunkwork docs into the office?

You were supposed to shred those.

Yes, but I was gonna shred them here,

because we don't have a
shredder at the house, do we?

Guys?

My office. Now.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ That girl is poison ♪

♪ Never trust a big butt and smile ♪

- ♪ That girl is poison ♪
- ♪ Poison ♪

♪ If I were you, I'd take precaution ♪

♪ Before I start to leave fly girl ♪

♪ You know, 'cause in some portions ♪

♪ You'll think she's the
best thing in the world ♪

♪ She's so fly ♪

♪ She'll drive you right
out of your mind ♪

♪ And steal your heart
when you're blind ♪

♪ Beware she's schemin' ♪

♪ She'll make you think
you're dreamin' ♪

♪ You'll fall in love ♪

♪ And you'll be screamin', demon ♪

- ♪ Hoo ♪
- ♪ Poison, deadly, movin' slow ♪

♪ Lookin' for a mellow
fellow like DeVoe ♪

♪ Gettin' paid, laid,
so better lay low ♪

♪ Schemin' on house, money,
and the whole show ♪

♪ The low pro ho, she'll
be cut like an afro ♪

♪ So what you're sayin' ♪