Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Lady - full transcript
Richard butts heads with Erlich over a prospective hire; Dinesh and Gilfoyle grow suspicious.
Thanks for coming in
and sitting down with us.
We're really excited to meet a few
good engineers to join the Pied Piper team.
So, why don't you tell us
a little about yourself?
I don't work before noon.
Or after 2:00 p.m.
And I need to bring my dog to work.
Are you dog-friendly?
Oh, yeah, you can bring your clog to work.
That's not what I asked.
Are you dog-friendly?
Um...
Nice pool. Can my dog go in?
Yeah, yeah, we're very dog-friendly.
Is there a lifeguard?
Um...
'Cause my dog can't swim.
Now, it says here on your résumé that
from 2010 to 2011, you "crushed it"?
That's actually an old résumé.
It should also read
that I crushed it from 2013 to present.
So, are we to understand
that you did not "crush it" in 2012?
There was a medical situation preventing me
from crushing it to my usual standards.
So, I had to take some time off
until I was able to crush it at 100%,
at which point I resumed crushing it full-time.
So, it says here that you're proficient in C++,
code assembly
for multiple processor architectures,
and that you are a cyborg?
That is correct. Short for cybernetic organism.
I came into this world of filth and pain
with a congenital heart condition,
requiring the installation of a pacemaker,
upon which I am mortally dependent.
RICHARD: Mmm.
Wow. He's technically a cyborg.
Yeah, yeah. Makes the résumé accurate.
Look, we all know
that I can make a shitload more money
working for some multi-colored Happy Town
in a hermetically-sealed box.
But permission to be honest?
Permission granted.
Granted.
I like that you guys are so weird.
Hmm.
Yes, we are the weird ones.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
This morning'
you put your soda cans in the green one.
Okay? That's not right.
The green is for grass and leaves.
Okay?
The blue one is for recycling.
Go ahead and put those in there.
Yeah.
Very good.
The black one is for all other trash.
Do you understand?
Yes. Which is for burning?
No, we don't burn trash in this country.
It's illegal.
You never burn trash.
Okay, can you say that? "I never burn trash."
- I never burn trash.
- Yes.
What about garbage?
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Motherfucker.
Jared Patakian?
(SIGHS)
You know' this Patakian guy
is definitely on some end of some spectrum,
but he is a full-stack engineer.
I mean, I'm sold. Jared, what do you think?
Well, he's qualified
and he definitely seemed interested.
It's a programmer's market right now.
I think if we like him,
we should pursue him aggressively.
My only concern here, and it's a small one,
um, he's also named Jared.
Will it be confusing with mo Jareds?
If we hire him,
I can always go back to my real name, Donald.
No, that's too big a hassle.
We'll just go with Other Jared.
OJ, for short.
I know a name is just a sound
somebody makes when they need you,
but shouldn't this much-newer Jared
be Other Jared?
You should be flattered.
O.J. Simpson is one of the most
recognizable people on the face of the planet.
Was that Jared Patakian
I saw exiting the house?
Yes, we just interviewed him.
We think he's great.
He actually is great.
I tried to hire him for Aviato.
But then he took the offer,
shopped it around town,
and got more dough at a different gig.
I didn't care for the way that he handled it.
So, lam going to have to err
on the side of caution and say, "Pass-adena,"
Trina.
Well, I'm sorry that that happened to you,
but you don't get to Pass-adena on anyone.
We've got to hire a lot of people,
and he was the only one that we all agree on.
But this is my house.
I'm on the board of this company.
I mean, I must get dings, right?
- Dings?
- Like in a jury or Whose Line is h' Anyway?
Erlich, thank you
for letting us stay in your house
while we figure out
what we need office-wise. Really.
But I'm sorry. You don't get a say in this.
We're going to hire the android.
ERLICH: He's a cyborg, Richard.
The son of a bitch is a goddamned cyborg.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press,
distinguished guests Question.
What is a moonshot?
A moonshot is an idea so big,
so bold as to be impossible.
Until I! is not.
Magellan circumnavigating...
(WHISPERING) There you are.
Oh, sorry, I got lost.
But I think I'm supposed to be here...
(SHUSHING) Come on.
Not so long ago, people called the idea
of sending a man to the Moon a moonshot.
But we did it, and that is just the beginning;.
No idea will be too big
for our newest division, Hooli XYZ.
How long do I have to stay here?
'Cause lunch...
Shh...
And today, I'm pleased to announce
that after some negotiations and arm-twisting,
the brilliant Professor Davis Bannerchek,
a pioneer in robotics
and founder of Somerville Dynamics,
has agreed to head up this new division.
I give you Dr. Bannerchek,
he one and only man
{it to be the first head dreamer of Hooli XYZ.
Also, I give you the one and only man
fit to be his co-head dreamer,
our very own Nelson Bighetti,
otherwise known around here as Baghead.
- Come on up here, Baghead.
What?
He also co-founded Pied Piper
right here at Hooli.
I'm not sure I understand.
You are being promoted.
Being named co-head dreamer
carries with it a significant pay increase,
greater equity,
more favorable vesting schedule.
See, but I really like the job I had.
You know, I was perfectly happy there.
It was kind of the perfect level
of involvement for me, I think.
And also' that other guy, Bannerchek,
he did not really seem to like me very much.
Oh, he does not. And he wanted you to know
that he moved four school-aged children
and his elderly mother across the country
in order to run Hooli XYZ on his own.
He was very clear about that.
And he wanted me to convey that to you.
Have I done that?
Yeah. So, what is my job exactly?
Well, that's actually... That's up to you.
You can do whatever you want.
Okay. See, that's sort of
what I do now, though.
But starting today, you can do it
in a much more significant way.
So, enjoy your new office.
Wait, this is my office?
Sorry to interrupt. The photographers here.
Photographer'?
From WIRED magazine,
for the profile they're doing on you.
Sorry, who are you?
Your assistant.
What?
Okay, Richard, last interview of the day.
Dinesh, Gilfoyle, this is someone
you guys recommended I contact,
Carla Walton?
Yeah, we hung outwith her a bunch
at the last SF vid/tech meet-up.
Her code is fucking great.
She was head of engineering at EarCast?
She was engineering at EarCast.
She built that whole system on her own.
You know what else excites me here?
There's a distinct over-representation of men
in this company. Look around.
I think it would behoove us
to prioritize hiring a woman.
I disagree, OJ.
We should hire
the best person for the job, period.
And Carla is one of the best.
Right, let me rephrase.
I think having a woman in the company
is important,
but hiring someone
only because they're a woman is bad.
I would never compromise Pied Piper.
Okay, just 10 be clear,
our top priority is to hire
the most qualified person available, right?
Of course.
But it would be better
if that someone was a woman
even though the "woman" part
of that statement is irrelevant?
Exactly. It's like we're the Beatles
and now we just need Yoko.
That's the worst example
you could have used.
I'm using VP9 ABR to reduce bits and using
WebRTC to carry the bulk of the load via P2P.
So, basically,
I pay for one tiny-ass outgoing stream
and the user's ISP picks up the whole tab.
The users pay for all that bandwidth,
not you? Wow.
That could save us a ton of money.
Yeah, a shit ton.
And do you think you could integrate it
into our platform by January in time for CES?
Look, I'm not going to get in your way.
You know, you design the engine.
I just assemble the car.
I could have an alpha of that up
in a solid weekend of hacking.
Wow. Cool.
Plus, I could count on one hand
the number of people on Earth
who could handle sitting in a room
with Dinesh and Gilfoyle all day. So...
All of that.
Plus, you're a woman.
What?
No, I just mean we would absolutely love
to have a strong woman working here.
I'm not a woman "engineer." I'm an engineer.
- Don't, don't, don't.
- Okay, no, no.
Oh, no, yes, of course.
We want to hire the best people
who happen to be women,
regardless of whether or not they are women.
That part is irrelevant.
Are you doing that interviewing thing
where you try to rattle somebody
to see if they freak out or not?
Uh, sadly no. This is... That's just Jared.
I wouldn't know how to do that.
Well, I am aggressively
unemployed right now.
So, why don't you give me a call
when you know what you want to do?
- Great.
- All right.
Great. All right, I'll show you out.
Oh, lucky me.
JARED: I loved
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
So?
So, she's actually bad-ass.
DINESH: Yeah, we told you, right?
We have to hire that person.
ERLICH: Are you shitting me?
You see this, Richard? What is this?
A spoon?
It's a wide spoon. In fact, the only spoon type
that is left in this drawer.
(CLATTERING)
I specifically posted a note
on the refrigerator saying
that the more narrow spoons be reserved
for the eating for FAGE yogurt by me.
Look at this.
The angle's all wrong.
Aren't you supposed
to just tip that little plastic cup part up
and dump the jam into the yogurt?
How would you know that?
Have you been eating my FAGE yogurts?
No, I saw it on the billboards.
Well, what they don't tell
you on the billboards
is that you can't get all of it out.
Look at that! You have to dig it out.
But you can't dig it outwith these big-as-hell,
wide fucking spoons.
This isn't about the spoons, is it, Erlich?
This is about Jared Patakian.
This is about me not letting you tell me
who I can or can't hire.
Or maybe it's about the fact that you're
the one who's been using my narrow spoons?
DINESHZ Okay.
You and I both have to get ready
for a board meeting.
Can we just stop with the nonsense?
- Nonsense?
- Yeah.
- This is nonsense?
- Yeah.
You know, half the yogurt's gonna go unused
because one quarter of the jam
can't come out.
MONICA: Thank you for hosting.
You have a lovely home.
Yeah, I do.
ERLICH: I like this painting.
Is it sperm?
No, three commas.
Know what has three commas in it, Richard?
Uh... A sentence with two
appositive phrases in it?
No, a billion dollars.
Yeah, I'm in the three-comma club.
You know, you play your cards right,
you could be in the three-comma club, too.
But probably not. But you could be.
But probably not.
There she is.
Say hello to tonight's fifth board member,
my girlfriend Nastia.
Charmed.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hello.
Ah!
You are Jew.
Episcopalian, actually.
Jew, good at business.
RUSS: My baby's got some ideas about Jews,
some good, some bad.
- Cool, cool.
- Dad?
RUSS: Oh! Hey there, buddy.
MONICA: Hello.
- Who's this? Another board member'?
-(BEEPING)
(AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE)
Aspen, it's time for bed.
I don't want to go to bed.
I'm sorry, buddy. It's not up to me.
- I need you to cooperate, Aspen.
-(BEEPING)
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five...
Fine.
...four, three... Good boy, Aspen.
What the hell is that?
Company I'm funding. We call it The Lady.
I press a button, and The Lady tells Aspen
when it's time for bed, time to take a bath,
when his fucking mother's here
to pick him up.
I get to be his friend and she's the bad guy.
I've disrupted fatherhood.
It's visionary technology.
- Okay, come on. Board meeting, bitches.
-(BEEPING)
Aspen, remember to take your medication.
Hey. Just remember,
Russ only has two board seats.
So, as long as we vote together,
we can carry every vote.
Yeah, I'm familiar
with the rules of a board meeting.
MONICA: Okay.
Okay, so, 409A valuation report
and new ESOPs.
Is there a motion to approve?
Great, it's unanimous. Approved.
Now we need to clear the equity packages
we're offering to a couple prospective hires,
- Carla Walton and Jared Patakian.
-(GROANS)
ERLICH: Fucking cyborg.
Oh, um, Patakian is actually
a solid engineer.
We'd be foolish not to hire him.
He's really good. So, all in favor'?
Sounds like a good pick-up.
MONICA: Okay, four-to-one approved.
All right, is there anything else
we need to covet?
Yeah, I think we need to talk about
getting some schwag.
What?
- Schwag!
-"Sha-waga"?
Schwag I
- What is it?
- Schwag.
- Swag?
- RUSS: Schwag!
What is it?
Schwag.
I actually don't know...
I think we need to build on the success
of our outdoor media campaign.
I'm talking Pied Piper mouse pads,
puzzle cubes, fuckin' antenna balls.
Come on, I'm talking 30 grand.
That's like a hand of blackjack. All in favor?
I mean, first billboards, now this?
I... As it is,
we're barely going to make it to January.
Sorry.
What?
I think it's a really solid idea.
I think we'd be foolish not to do it.
Cool. So, three-to-Mo in favor. Schwag!
I'll set you guys up with my marketing
company. We'll give you a killer rate.
Question, who likes margaritas?
Answer' everybody!
Babe, go out back,
grab some limes from the tree, all right?
Who likes schwag? This guy, this guy.
(SINGING) We gonna get our schwag on!
What the fuck are you doing?
You just cost us $30,000.
I thought
we agreed to present a unified front here.
Well, if Richard wants a unified front,
then maybe Richard
should do a better job at unifying it.
Why are you such a dick?
Why are you unable to listen to people
who know what they're talking about?
Speaking of Mexico,
I'm supposed to go to Cabo tomorrow,
but I got roped into buying these two tickets
to the Muir Woods preservation thing
tomorrow night.
Sean Parker's charity? That's a big event.
Gonna be a lot of members
of the three-comma club there. Am I right?
Total asshole parade.
Anyone want these stupid things?
Yeah, I'm down.
Uh, and, Richard, no, you can't come.
- But, Monica...
- No.
NASTIA: Okay.
Hey, babe. Babe, I said limes. Limes.
(LAUGHING) She's honestly
so fucking stupid.
Yeah.
She doesn't even know
what I'm saying right now.
And until we get real office space,
I guess we could just put you right here.
And we could put Patakian here.
I hope you don't mind
sitting next to a cyborg.
Does he fart a lot and smell like onions?
Well, he is a coder.
Well, I'd say I'm not getting paid enough
to deal with this crap, but I so am, so...
You know, if it's cool, I'm going
to get some stuff out of my car to dump here.
I know I don't start till Monday, but I want
to get it cleaned out before I trade it in.
You're getting a new car?
Yeah, yeah. Mercedes HYBRID.
-It's pretty dope.
- That sounds expensive.
- Guys?
- It is.
Richard has something
very important to tell you.
RICHARD: Yes. (CLEARS THROAT)
So, Jared has informed me that as CEO,
I need to be able
to answer any questions that you might have
about Pied Piper's harassment policy
and workplace code of conduct.
Apparently, every company our size
has to have one of those.
So, essentially,
if you find the workplace hostile in any way,
you can submit a written complaint.
It will be completely anonymous.
Essentially, don't do or say anything
that might offend anyone.
Okay? Thank you. That's the policy.
- Okay.
- Guys, um,
this is actually pretty serious.
I mean, we're all cool here,
but we know each other.
So, obviously,
when Dinesh calls me Retarded Frankenstein,
or he describes me as AIDS Lady,
or Gilfoyle refers to me
as effeminate k.d. lang,
I know this is a joke among friends.
- It's not a joke.
- We're not friends.
(CHUCKLING) See, it's hilarious.
But, um, as we grow,
we're going to be adding a lot of new people
to this company and to this office,
and some of them might not be
as amused as I am by such strong language.
Lawsuits happen. So, questions?
- Oh, uh, I have a question.
- JARED: Mmm-hmm.
My best friend's nickname is Cunty.
- I'm sorry, her name is...
- Cunty.
And I was hoping I could call her Cunty
while I'm here.
Okay, that one's easy. No, you cannot.
'Cause, you know,
I want to have Cunty come visit me for lunch,
and if I can't call Cunty "Cunty,"
then it's like, I'm not going
to want to have Cunty over at all,
which I feel, like, kind of violates my rights.
Yeah. Um, it does not...
As a woman.
Okay, I'm going to have
to get back to you on that one.
Her best friend's nickname is Cunty.
- Okay.
- Let's maybe get back to the kitchen
-so we can...
- Okay, okay, okay.
All right, I'm going to go
clean out my shit box.
Nice bag.
Thank you.
Oh, look, D&G. It's like
Dinesh & Gilfoyle. So, yeah.
Okay, that was the third reference
she's made to how much money she's making.
GILFOYLE: Mmm.
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
That's a $3,500 bag.
How do you know? You have the same one?
No, I have the fucking Internet.
Hey, you don't think she's making
more money than us, do you?
No, we all have equalized pay, remember?
Yeah, me and you and Richard and Jared do,
but not new hires.
It's the classic dilemma
where the founders make less.
We told Richard to get her
no matter what it took.
Even if she is making more cash than us,
which she isn't,
there's no way she has as much equity.
You don't know that.
And Richard won't tell us. It's confidential.
I guess there's a reason for it.
It's so people don't get jealous
and throw a hissy fit.
I'm not jealous. I just want to make sure
she's making less than me.
Hey, how do we find out
how much she's getting paid here?
I have a plan.
Hey, Carla,
how much money do you make here?
Uh, Let's just say
it's a big jump from my old job.
Right, but you probably
got more equity there.
Um, no, actually I get more equity here.
What?
Yeah. Why, what are you guys getting?
Three points each.
Three? That's weird.
I thought you got in at the beginning.
I have another plan.
ERLICH: All right, Jian Yang,
don't talk to anybody else.
When we get inside, don't talk to me.
- Good evening.
- Here's the...
- WOMAN: Thank you.
- Thank you.
(DEVICE BEEPS)
And how will you be paying, sir?
- Excuse me?
- Your donation.
What's your preferred method of payment?
Oh...
No, these are already paid for.
We're guests of Russ Hanneman.
Uh, yes, he reserved the tickets,
but you have to pay for them.
Oh. Uh...
Okay. And how much are they?
$25,000.
Um... So... But for both?
No, no, no, per ticket.
There's no possible way that
we could pay that, so what do we do here?
Well, there are a number of other ways
to help preserve the Muir Woods.
We do a volunteer clean-up program
every weekend.
Yeah, I don't give a shit
about the Muir Woods.
I need to get in there.
Sir, if you can't pay for the tickets,
I really don't see how that's possible.
What if we do, like, a little in-and-out thing?
I just go in there, 10 minutes,
you know, have one cocktail, two, three max.
- He doesn't eat. He won't eat.
- Yes, I'm hungry.
Gentlemen, I'm going to need you
to move aside for the other guests.
You want me to email
Russ Hanneman right now?
You don't have Ruse's email.
But I have his... I have the phone number
of the person who works in his office.
Does anybody have an extra ticket?
My investor cannot pay.
That's actually not true. Uh...
I think they must have misplaced the tickets.
No, we have everyone's tickets here.
Can you please check? Erlich Bachman?
E-R-I-C-H...
That's not at all how it's spelled here.
All right. Let's go, Jian.
Have a nice night. Thank you.
- Let's go. Come on. Come on.
- WOMAN: Next.
JIAN-YANG: Excuse me...
ERLICH: Come on. Let's go.
-...do you have a ticket?
- ERLICH: God damn it! Jian Yang, come here!
JIAN-YANG: Do you have a ticket?
Hey, Jian Yang. How was last night?
It was sad.
Erlich, he promised me dinner
with a big meet.
Big meat?
- Big meet people.
- Meat people?
Then people say, "No, you can't come in."
Wait, so you guys didn't get in?
We went to Taco Bell.
Erlich, he started crying in Taco Bell.
He tried to blame the taco sauce.
CARLA: Richard'?
RICHARD: Yes.
- OJ says you wanted to see me'?
- Yeah.
Um...
I don't want to say this, any of this, at all,
but several employees
have lodged a complaint against you.
For what?
Um...
For making this a hostile workplace.
By, quote,
"Repeatedly rubbing our fucking faces
"in the fact that Richard Hendricks is a pussy
who gave a new hire more than us."
CARLA: Mmm-hmm.
Interesting.
And which two of the several
lodged a complaint?
Actually, our policy guarantees anonymity,
so I can't tell you that.
Look, you and I both know
how much you make.
- Are you fucking with them?
- Yeah, of course I'm fucking with them.
I bought a fake Dolce & Gabbana bag
at a swap meet to piss them off
and apparently it did.
And I lied and said I was getting a Mercedes.
I also left a fake credit-card statement open
on my screen, because I thought they'd see it.
- Did they see it?
- They saw it.
- Yeah, sweet.
- Okay.
- Carla.
- Okay, all right.
But what I used to do to fuck with them
involved gay porn and Photoshop,
so I don't think that would be cool
after OJ's big harassment speech.
Oh. So, in effect, the policy worked.
Well, I... Can we not do any of it?
It just that they're getting really pissed
and it's really distracting.
All right.
- No more Cunty.
- Terrific.
- That's really good.
- Cunty's done.
Great. But you said it again,
but maybe that's the last time.
Cunty's done. I'm gonna call you OJ, though.
- Yeah' that's fine.
- That's for good.
Yeah, yeah, because in my head,
I change the meaning from "Other Jared"
to "Original Jared," so now it's a compliment.
ERLICH: If I have to, I'm going to keep
my fucking Star Blazer VHS tapes in my room!
It doesn't take an IQ-9
to know they should remain alphabetized.
I want to watch a specific episode.
And it's not like they're on fucking DVD!
(SIGHS)
Hey, um, Erlich,
I just want to say this is your house
and you've been really cool
letting us stay here for all this time,
and as soon as we get our office space,
we'll be out of your way.
And how soon is that going to be?
Soon.
And look, I realize it's not fair
that I bring someone into your house
that you don't want here,
so I will call the cyborg
and I will rescind the offer.
You know, Richard, I've been thinking,
the cyborg is a solid coder.
You should hire him.
It's fine, I'll get someone else.
Don't be stupid, Richard.
You need a full working beta up
in the next few months. Just hire the guy.
I'm not being stupid, okay?
I'm not going to hire him.
And frankly, I'm not going to let you
bully me into doing it.
Would you look at yourself?
You're still not fucking listening to me.
No, I'm trying to respect you, asshole.
If you want to respect me,
then just hire the piece of shit.
Don't act like a moron.
You're not going to kick Nucleus's ass
acting like a fucking moron.
You don't get to tell me
how I respect you, okay?
I can respect you however the fuck I want.
What are you doing?
I'm respecting you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Jared, hey, it's, uh,
Richard Hendricks from Pied Piper.
Yeah, bad news. We're not gonna...
What?
What's that?
Where?
Okay.
Well, cyborg, fuck you, you fuckin'...
Metal-dick piece of shit.
Metal-dick piece of shit.
Ha-ha-ha.
What happened?
He took another job
from Russ fucking Hanneman.
- What?
- Yeah.
Apparently, I said so much
nice shit about him in the board meeting,
Russ offered him a job atone of his other
fucking companies for a lot more money.
Our own investor poached him.
And he went? Fucking cyborg.
DINESH: Richard! You need to come see this.
What event could this possibly be used at?
Are you happy?
Not really.
They used the old logo.
Do you smell something burning?
God damn it! Jian Yang!
and sitting down with us.
We're really excited to meet a few
good engineers to join the Pied Piper team.
So, why don't you tell us
a little about yourself?
I don't work before noon.
Or after 2:00 p.m.
And I need to bring my dog to work.
Are you dog-friendly?
Oh, yeah, you can bring your clog to work.
That's not what I asked.
Are you dog-friendly?
Um...
Nice pool. Can my dog go in?
Yeah, yeah, we're very dog-friendly.
Is there a lifeguard?
Um...
'Cause my dog can't swim.
Now, it says here on your résumé that
from 2010 to 2011, you "crushed it"?
That's actually an old résumé.
It should also read
that I crushed it from 2013 to present.
So, are we to understand
that you did not "crush it" in 2012?
There was a medical situation preventing me
from crushing it to my usual standards.
So, I had to take some time off
until I was able to crush it at 100%,
at which point I resumed crushing it full-time.
So, it says here that you're proficient in C++,
code assembly
for multiple processor architectures,
and that you are a cyborg?
That is correct. Short for cybernetic organism.
I came into this world of filth and pain
with a congenital heart condition,
requiring the installation of a pacemaker,
upon which I am mortally dependent.
RICHARD: Mmm.
Wow. He's technically a cyborg.
Yeah, yeah. Makes the résumé accurate.
Look, we all know
that I can make a shitload more money
working for some multi-colored Happy Town
in a hermetically-sealed box.
But permission to be honest?
Permission granted.
Granted.
I like that you guys are so weird.
Hmm.
Yes, we are the weird ones.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
This morning'
you put your soda cans in the green one.
Okay? That's not right.
The green is for grass and leaves.
Okay?
The blue one is for recycling.
Go ahead and put those in there.
Yeah.
Very good.
The black one is for all other trash.
Do you understand?
Yes. Which is for burning?
No, we don't burn trash in this country.
It's illegal.
You never burn trash.
Okay, can you say that? "I never burn trash."
- I never burn trash.
- Yes.
What about garbage?
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Motherfucker.
Jared Patakian?
(SIGHS)
You know' this Patakian guy
is definitely on some end of some spectrum,
but he is a full-stack engineer.
I mean, I'm sold. Jared, what do you think?
Well, he's qualified
and he definitely seemed interested.
It's a programmer's market right now.
I think if we like him,
we should pursue him aggressively.
My only concern here, and it's a small one,
um, he's also named Jared.
Will it be confusing with mo Jareds?
If we hire him,
I can always go back to my real name, Donald.
No, that's too big a hassle.
We'll just go with Other Jared.
OJ, for short.
I know a name is just a sound
somebody makes when they need you,
but shouldn't this much-newer Jared
be Other Jared?
You should be flattered.
O.J. Simpson is one of the most
recognizable people on the face of the planet.
Was that Jared Patakian
I saw exiting the house?
Yes, we just interviewed him.
We think he's great.
He actually is great.
I tried to hire him for Aviato.
But then he took the offer,
shopped it around town,
and got more dough at a different gig.
I didn't care for the way that he handled it.
So, lam going to have to err
on the side of caution and say, "Pass-adena,"
Trina.
Well, I'm sorry that that happened to you,
but you don't get to Pass-adena on anyone.
We've got to hire a lot of people,
and he was the only one that we all agree on.
But this is my house.
I'm on the board of this company.
I mean, I must get dings, right?
- Dings?
- Like in a jury or Whose Line is h' Anyway?
Erlich, thank you
for letting us stay in your house
while we figure out
what we need office-wise. Really.
But I'm sorry. You don't get a say in this.
We're going to hire the android.
ERLICH: He's a cyborg, Richard.
The son of a bitch is a goddamned cyborg.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press,
distinguished guests Question.
What is a moonshot?
A moonshot is an idea so big,
so bold as to be impossible.
Until I! is not.
Magellan circumnavigating...
(WHISPERING) There you are.
Oh, sorry, I got lost.
But I think I'm supposed to be here...
(SHUSHING) Come on.
Not so long ago, people called the idea
of sending a man to the Moon a moonshot.
But we did it, and that is just the beginning;.
No idea will be too big
for our newest division, Hooli XYZ.
How long do I have to stay here?
'Cause lunch...
Shh...
And today, I'm pleased to announce
that after some negotiations and arm-twisting,
the brilliant Professor Davis Bannerchek,
a pioneer in robotics
and founder of Somerville Dynamics,
has agreed to head up this new division.
I give you Dr. Bannerchek,
he one and only man
{it to be the first head dreamer of Hooli XYZ.
Also, I give you the one and only man
fit to be his co-head dreamer,
our very own Nelson Bighetti,
otherwise known around here as Baghead.
- Come on up here, Baghead.
What?
He also co-founded Pied Piper
right here at Hooli.
I'm not sure I understand.
You are being promoted.
Being named co-head dreamer
carries with it a significant pay increase,
greater equity,
more favorable vesting schedule.
See, but I really like the job I had.
You know, I was perfectly happy there.
It was kind of the perfect level
of involvement for me, I think.
And also' that other guy, Bannerchek,
he did not really seem to like me very much.
Oh, he does not. And he wanted you to know
that he moved four school-aged children
and his elderly mother across the country
in order to run Hooli XYZ on his own.
He was very clear about that.
And he wanted me to convey that to you.
Have I done that?
Yeah. So, what is my job exactly?
Well, that's actually... That's up to you.
You can do whatever you want.
Okay. See, that's sort of
what I do now, though.
But starting today, you can do it
in a much more significant way.
So, enjoy your new office.
Wait, this is my office?
Sorry to interrupt. The photographers here.
Photographer'?
From WIRED magazine,
for the profile they're doing on you.
Sorry, who are you?
Your assistant.
What?
Okay, Richard, last interview of the day.
Dinesh, Gilfoyle, this is someone
you guys recommended I contact,
Carla Walton?
Yeah, we hung outwith her a bunch
at the last SF vid/tech meet-up.
Her code is fucking great.
She was head of engineering at EarCast?
She was engineering at EarCast.
She built that whole system on her own.
You know what else excites me here?
There's a distinct over-representation of men
in this company. Look around.
I think it would behoove us
to prioritize hiring a woman.
I disagree, OJ.
We should hire
the best person for the job, period.
And Carla is one of the best.
Right, let me rephrase.
I think having a woman in the company
is important,
but hiring someone
only because they're a woman is bad.
I would never compromise Pied Piper.
Okay, just 10 be clear,
our top priority is to hire
the most qualified person available, right?
Of course.
But it would be better
if that someone was a woman
even though the "woman" part
of that statement is irrelevant?
Exactly. It's like we're the Beatles
and now we just need Yoko.
That's the worst example
you could have used.
I'm using VP9 ABR to reduce bits and using
WebRTC to carry the bulk of the load via P2P.
So, basically,
I pay for one tiny-ass outgoing stream
and the user's ISP picks up the whole tab.
The users pay for all that bandwidth,
not you? Wow.
That could save us a ton of money.
Yeah, a shit ton.
And do you think you could integrate it
into our platform by January in time for CES?
Look, I'm not going to get in your way.
You know, you design the engine.
I just assemble the car.
I could have an alpha of that up
in a solid weekend of hacking.
Wow. Cool.
Plus, I could count on one hand
the number of people on Earth
who could handle sitting in a room
with Dinesh and Gilfoyle all day. So...
All of that.
Plus, you're a woman.
What?
No, I just mean we would absolutely love
to have a strong woman working here.
I'm not a woman "engineer." I'm an engineer.
- Don't, don't, don't.
- Okay, no, no.
Oh, no, yes, of course.
We want to hire the best people
who happen to be women,
regardless of whether or not they are women.
That part is irrelevant.
Are you doing that interviewing thing
where you try to rattle somebody
to see if they freak out or not?
Uh, sadly no. This is... That's just Jared.
I wouldn't know how to do that.
Well, I am aggressively
unemployed right now.
So, why don't you give me a call
when you know what you want to do?
- Great.
- All right.
Great. All right, I'll show you out.
Oh, lucky me.
JARED: I loved
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
So?
So, she's actually bad-ass.
DINESH: Yeah, we told you, right?
We have to hire that person.
ERLICH: Are you shitting me?
You see this, Richard? What is this?
A spoon?
It's a wide spoon. In fact, the only spoon type
that is left in this drawer.
(CLATTERING)
I specifically posted a note
on the refrigerator saying
that the more narrow spoons be reserved
for the eating for FAGE yogurt by me.
Look at this.
The angle's all wrong.
Aren't you supposed
to just tip that little plastic cup part up
and dump the jam into the yogurt?
How would you know that?
Have you been eating my FAGE yogurts?
No, I saw it on the billboards.
Well, what they don't tell
you on the billboards
is that you can't get all of it out.
Look at that! You have to dig it out.
But you can't dig it outwith these big-as-hell,
wide fucking spoons.
This isn't about the spoons, is it, Erlich?
This is about Jared Patakian.
This is about me not letting you tell me
who I can or can't hire.
Or maybe it's about the fact that you're
the one who's been using my narrow spoons?
DINESHZ Okay.
You and I both have to get ready
for a board meeting.
Can we just stop with the nonsense?
- Nonsense?
- Yeah.
- This is nonsense?
- Yeah.
You know, half the yogurt's gonna go unused
because one quarter of the jam
can't come out.
MONICA: Thank you for hosting.
You have a lovely home.
Yeah, I do.
ERLICH: I like this painting.
Is it sperm?
No, three commas.
Know what has three commas in it, Richard?
Uh... A sentence with two
appositive phrases in it?
No, a billion dollars.
Yeah, I'm in the three-comma club.
You know, you play your cards right,
you could be in the three-comma club, too.
But probably not. But you could be.
But probably not.
There she is.
Say hello to tonight's fifth board member,
my girlfriend Nastia.
Charmed.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hello.
Ah!
You are Jew.
Episcopalian, actually.
Jew, good at business.
RUSS: My baby's got some ideas about Jews,
some good, some bad.
- Cool, cool.
- Dad?
RUSS: Oh! Hey there, buddy.
MONICA: Hello.
- Who's this? Another board member'?
-(BEEPING)
(AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE)
Aspen, it's time for bed.
I don't want to go to bed.
I'm sorry, buddy. It's not up to me.
- I need you to cooperate, Aspen.
-(BEEPING)
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five...
Fine.
...four, three... Good boy, Aspen.
What the hell is that?
Company I'm funding. We call it The Lady.
I press a button, and The Lady tells Aspen
when it's time for bed, time to take a bath,
when his fucking mother's here
to pick him up.
I get to be his friend and she's the bad guy.
I've disrupted fatherhood.
It's visionary technology.
- Okay, come on. Board meeting, bitches.
-(BEEPING)
Aspen, remember to take your medication.
Hey. Just remember,
Russ only has two board seats.
So, as long as we vote together,
we can carry every vote.
Yeah, I'm familiar
with the rules of a board meeting.
MONICA: Okay.
Okay, so, 409A valuation report
and new ESOPs.
Is there a motion to approve?
Great, it's unanimous. Approved.
Now we need to clear the equity packages
we're offering to a couple prospective hires,
- Carla Walton and Jared Patakian.
-(GROANS)
ERLICH: Fucking cyborg.
Oh, um, Patakian is actually
a solid engineer.
We'd be foolish not to hire him.
He's really good. So, all in favor'?
Sounds like a good pick-up.
MONICA: Okay, four-to-one approved.
All right, is there anything else
we need to covet?
Yeah, I think we need to talk about
getting some schwag.
What?
- Schwag!
-"Sha-waga"?
Schwag I
- What is it?
- Schwag.
- Swag?
- RUSS: Schwag!
What is it?
Schwag.
I actually don't know...
I think we need to build on the success
of our outdoor media campaign.
I'm talking Pied Piper mouse pads,
puzzle cubes, fuckin' antenna balls.
Come on, I'm talking 30 grand.
That's like a hand of blackjack. All in favor?
I mean, first billboards, now this?
I... As it is,
we're barely going to make it to January.
Sorry.
What?
I think it's a really solid idea.
I think we'd be foolish not to do it.
Cool. So, three-to-Mo in favor. Schwag!
I'll set you guys up with my marketing
company. We'll give you a killer rate.
Question, who likes margaritas?
Answer' everybody!
Babe, go out back,
grab some limes from the tree, all right?
Who likes schwag? This guy, this guy.
(SINGING) We gonna get our schwag on!
What the fuck are you doing?
You just cost us $30,000.
I thought
we agreed to present a unified front here.
Well, if Richard wants a unified front,
then maybe Richard
should do a better job at unifying it.
Why are you such a dick?
Why are you unable to listen to people
who know what they're talking about?
Speaking of Mexico,
I'm supposed to go to Cabo tomorrow,
but I got roped into buying these two tickets
to the Muir Woods preservation thing
tomorrow night.
Sean Parker's charity? That's a big event.
Gonna be a lot of members
of the three-comma club there. Am I right?
Total asshole parade.
Anyone want these stupid things?
Yeah, I'm down.
Uh, and, Richard, no, you can't come.
- But, Monica...
- No.
NASTIA: Okay.
Hey, babe. Babe, I said limes. Limes.
(LAUGHING) She's honestly
so fucking stupid.
Yeah.
She doesn't even know
what I'm saying right now.
And until we get real office space,
I guess we could just put you right here.
And we could put Patakian here.
I hope you don't mind
sitting next to a cyborg.
Does he fart a lot and smell like onions?
Well, he is a coder.
Well, I'd say I'm not getting paid enough
to deal with this crap, but I so am, so...
You know, if it's cool, I'm going
to get some stuff out of my car to dump here.
I know I don't start till Monday, but I want
to get it cleaned out before I trade it in.
You're getting a new car?
Yeah, yeah. Mercedes HYBRID.
-It's pretty dope.
- That sounds expensive.
- Guys?
- It is.
Richard has something
very important to tell you.
RICHARD: Yes. (CLEARS THROAT)
So, Jared has informed me that as CEO,
I need to be able
to answer any questions that you might have
about Pied Piper's harassment policy
and workplace code of conduct.
Apparently, every company our size
has to have one of those.
So, essentially,
if you find the workplace hostile in any way,
you can submit a written complaint.
It will be completely anonymous.
Essentially, don't do or say anything
that might offend anyone.
Okay? Thank you. That's the policy.
- Okay.
- Guys, um,
this is actually pretty serious.
I mean, we're all cool here,
but we know each other.
So, obviously,
when Dinesh calls me Retarded Frankenstein,
or he describes me as AIDS Lady,
or Gilfoyle refers to me
as effeminate k.d. lang,
I know this is a joke among friends.
- It's not a joke.
- We're not friends.
(CHUCKLING) See, it's hilarious.
But, um, as we grow,
we're going to be adding a lot of new people
to this company and to this office,
and some of them might not be
as amused as I am by such strong language.
Lawsuits happen. So, questions?
- Oh, uh, I have a question.
- JARED: Mmm-hmm.
My best friend's nickname is Cunty.
- I'm sorry, her name is...
- Cunty.
And I was hoping I could call her Cunty
while I'm here.
Okay, that one's easy. No, you cannot.
'Cause, you know,
I want to have Cunty come visit me for lunch,
and if I can't call Cunty "Cunty,"
then it's like, I'm not going
to want to have Cunty over at all,
which I feel, like, kind of violates my rights.
Yeah. Um, it does not...
As a woman.
Okay, I'm going to have
to get back to you on that one.
Her best friend's nickname is Cunty.
- Okay.
- Let's maybe get back to the kitchen
-so we can...
- Okay, okay, okay.
All right, I'm going to go
clean out my shit box.
Nice bag.
Thank you.
Oh, look, D&G. It's like
Dinesh & Gilfoyle. So, yeah.
Okay, that was the third reference
she's made to how much money she's making.
GILFOYLE: Mmm.
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
That's a $3,500 bag.
How do you know? You have the same one?
No, I have the fucking Internet.
Hey, you don't think she's making
more money than us, do you?
No, we all have equalized pay, remember?
Yeah, me and you and Richard and Jared do,
but not new hires.
It's the classic dilemma
where the founders make less.
We told Richard to get her
no matter what it took.
Even if she is making more cash than us,
which she isn't,
there's no way she has as much equity.
You don't know that.
And Richard won't tell us. It's confidential.
I guess there's a reason for it.
It's so people don't get jealous
and throw a hissy fit.
I'm not jealous. I just want to make sure
she's making less than me.
Hey, how do we find out
how much she's getting paid here?
I have a plan.
Hey, Carla,
how much money do you make here?
Uh, Let's just say
it's a big jump from my old job.
Right, but you probably
got more equity there.
Um, no, actually I get more equity here.
What?
Yeah. Why, what are you guys getting?
Three points each.
Three? That's weird.
I thought you got in at the beginning.
I have another plan.
ERLICH: All right, Jian Yang,
don't talk to anybody else.
When we get inside, don't talk to me.
- Good evening.
- Here's the...
- WOMAN: Thank you.
- Thank you.
(DEVICE BEEPS)
And how will you be paying, sir?
- Excuse me?
- Your donation.
What's your preferred method of payment?
Oh...
No, these are already paid for.
We're guests of Russ Hanneman.
Uh, yes, he reserved the tickets,
but you have to pay for them.
Oh. Uh...
Okay. And how much are they?
$25,000.
Um... So... But for both?
No, no, no, per ticket.
There's no possible way that
we could pay that, so what do we do here?
Well, there are a number of other ways
to help preserve the Muir Woods.
We do a volunteer clean-up program
every weekend.
Yeah, I don't give a shit
about the Muir Woods.
I need to get in there.
Sir, if you can't pay for the tickets,
I really don't see how that's possible.
What if we do, like, a little in-and-out thing?
I just go in there, 10 minutes,
you know, have one cocktail, two, three max.
- He doesn't eat. He won't eat.
- Yes, I'm hungry.
Gentlemen, I'm going to need you
to move aside for the other guests.
You want me to email
Russ Hanneman right now?
You don't have Ruse's email.
But I have his... I have the phone number
of the person who works in his office.
Does anybody have an extra ticket?
My investor cannot pay.
That's actually not true. Uh...
I think they must have misplaced the tickets.
No, we have everyone's tickets here.
Can you please check? Erlich Bachman?
E-R-I-C-H...
That's not at all how it's spelled here.
All right. Let's go, Jian.
Have a nice night. Thank you.
- Let's go. Come on. Come on.
- WOMAN: Next.
JIAN-YANG: Excuse me...
ERLICH: Come on. Let's go.
-...do you have a ticket?
- ERLICH: God damn it! Jian Yang, come here!
JIAN-YANG: Do you have a ticket?
Hey, Jian Yang. How was last night?
It was sad.
Erlich, he promised me dinner
with a big meet.
Big meat?
- Big meet people.
- Meat people?
Then people say, "No, you can't come in."
Wait, so you guys didn't get in?
We went to Taco Bell.
Erlich, he started crying in Taco Bell.
He tried to blame the taco sauce.
CARLA: Richard'?
RICHARD: Yes.
- OJ says you wanted to see me'?
- Yeah.
Um...
I don't want to say this, any of this, at all,
but several employees
have lodged a complaint against you.
For what?
Um...
For making this a hostile workplace.
By, quote,
"Repeatedly rubbing our fucking faces
"in the fact that Richard Hendricks is a pussy
who gave a new hire more than us."
CARLA: Mmm-hmm.
Interesting.
And which two of the several
lodged a complaint?
Actually, our policy guarantees anonymity,
so I can't tell you that.
Look, you and I both know
how much you make.
- Are you fucking with them?
- Yeah, of course I'm fucking with them.
I bought a fake Dolce & Gabbana bag
at a swap meet to piss them off
and apparently it did.
And I lied and said I was getting a Mercedes.
I also left a fake credit-card statement open
on my screen, because I thought they'd see it.
- Did they see it?
- They saw it.
- Yeah, sweet.
- Okay.
- Carla.
- Okay, all right.
But what I used to do to fuck with them
involved gay porn and Photoshop,
so I don't think that would be cool
after OJ's big harassment speech.
Oh. So, in effect, the policy worked.
Well, I... Can we not do any of it?
It just that they're getting really pissed
and it's really distracting.
All right.
- No more Cunty.
- Terrific.
- That's really good.
- Cunty's done.
Great. But you said it again,
but maybe that's the last time.
Cunty's done. I'm gonna call you OJ, though.
- Yeah' that's fine.
- That's for good.
Yeah, yeah, because in my head,
I change the meaning from "Other Jared"
to "Original Jared," so now it's a compliment.
ERLICH: If I have to, I'm going to keep
my fucking Star Blazer VHS tapes in my room!
It doesn't take an IQ-9
to know they should remain alphabetized.
I want to watch a specific episode.
And it's not like they're on fucking DVD!
(SIGHS)
Hey, um, Erlich,
I just want to say this is your house
and you've been really cool
letting us stay here for all this time,
and as soon as we get our office space,
we'll be out of your way.
And how soon is that going to be?
Soon.
And look, I realize it's not fair
that I bring someone into your house
that you don't want here,
so I will call the cyborg
and I will rescind the offer.
You know, Richard, I've been thinking,
the cyborg is a solid coder.
You should hire him.
It's fine, I'll get someone else.
Don't be stupid, Richard.
You need a full working beta up
in the next few months. Just hire the guy.
I'm not being stupid, okay?
I'm not going to hire him.
And frankly, I'm not going to let you
bully me into doing it.
Would you look at yourself?
You're still not fucking listening to me.
No, I'm trying to respect you, asshole.
If you want to respect me,
then just hire the piece of shit.
Don't act like a moron.
You're not going to kick Nucleus's ass
acting like a fucking moron.
You don't get to tell me
how I respect you, okay?
I can respect you however the fuck I want.
What are you doing?
I'm respecting you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Jared, hey, it's, uh,
Richard Hendricks from Pied Piper.
Yeah, bad news. We're not gonna...
What?
What's that?
Where?
Okay.
Well, cyborg, fuck you, you fuckin'...
Metal-dick piece of shit.
Metal-dick piece of shit.
Ha-ha-ha.
What happened?
He took another job
from Russ fucking Hanneman.
- What?
- Yeah.
Apparently, I said so much
nice shit about him in the board meeting,
Russ offered him a job atone of his other
fucking companies for a lot more money.
Our own investor poached him.
And he went? Fucking cyborg.
DINESH: Richard! You need to come see this.
What event could this possibly be used at?
Are you happy?
Not really.
They used the old logo.
Do you smell something burning?
God damn it! Jian Yang!