Sick of It (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Scream - full transcript
Next-door's screaming baby pushes Karl to the edge.
"(CLASSICAL
MUSIC)"
"The person you are calling knows you
are waiting. Please hold the line."
"(CLASSICAL
MUSIC)"
"Your call is important to
us. Please hold the line."
"The person you are calling knows you
are waiting. Please hold the line."
"(CLASSICAL
MUSIC)"
"Your call is important
to us. Please hold"...
Environment and Communities
Department. How can I help you?
Yeah, I'm calling
about a noisy neighbour.
OK, can you
give me some details?
Er, yeah, it's been going
on for, like four nights.
Erm, not sleeping.
I'm a cab driver so I'm
going to work feeling
-shattered which isn't
good, is it? -Uh-huh.
-And what sort of noise
is it? -It's a baby.
Erm, right.
OK, we can't actually do
anything about babies as
that's classed more as an
ordinary domestic noise.
What are you
talking about?
It's a
baby, sir.
Yeah, I know but
noise is noise surely.
If it was loud music or a dog barking,
I'd be able to do something but...
I-I don't understand
though. Why?
Because
it's a baby.
Yeah, you keep saying that but babies
can just do what they want, can they?
They've got a
different rule book?
Loud music is not allowed but if the
baby wants loud music, is that all right?
It can just do
what it wants.
We can't upset the baby.
Jesus, I'm sick of it!
'(BABY CRYING)'
It's a shame that babies don't come in,
like, a vibrate mode like mobiles do.
Let the owners know
there's a problem without
everyone else having
to put up with it.
'(BABY CRIES)' Noisy
little bastard.
The mum's got to be deaf. That's
the only explanation, isn't it?
Doesn't stop. I honestly don't know,
like, how the human race isn't extinct
if babies have always
made that racket.
Think about it. Going back thousands
of years when we all lived in caves
and you had a baby
making that racket.
That's basically like an
ice-cream-van chime going off
to some
sabre-toothed tiger.
"Oh, hello. Lunch is
in there. Tuck in."
'(BABY CRIES)'
Ridiculous!
'(BABY CRIES)'
Listen to it. It's like living
next door to fucking Tarzan.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
-Oh, I'm so glad you're
back. -Jesus Christ!
-What are you doing? -Well,
I dozed off. The bulb blew.
I didn't want to try climb out.
I was worried I'd slip.
How long have
you been there?
Since about eight.
That's, like, three hours ago.
Come on, let's be getting you out.
-But no peeking. -Yeah,
honestly, I won't be peeking.
I'm not sleeping at night as it is without
having a naked image of you in my head.
-To the civic
centre, yeah? -Yeah.
(BABY WHIMPERS)
(BABY CRIES)
-Do you mind if we stop off to
pick up a friend? -No problem.
(BABY CRIES)
Why would anyone
want one of them?
Have they got an allocation of noise
that they've got to let out every day?
Why is it
so upset?
It's OK,
Mummy's here.
(BABY SCREAMS)
The crying system doesn't work
really cos what is wrong with it?
Does it need winding? Is it
hungry? Has it shat itself?
That noise it's making is way over
the top for any of those problems.
That sounds like it's found out its
family has been wiped out by a tsunami.
It's had the
worst news ever.
Here she is,
just over there.
Another one's getting
in now as well.
-Are you all right? How
you doing? -Yeah, good.
(BABY CRIES) Aw! Grouchy
today but good. How's yours?
How long do you think it will be before
that one joins in? Place your bets.
(SECOND
BABY CRIES)
Have they met up to see whose baby
can make the most noise or what?
I don't know where they
get the energy from for it.
It's holding a note
longer than Mariah Carey.
Not even breathing. It's
just one continuous...
How's it doing it?
I'm a fully-grown man with big lungs
and I don't think I could match that.
Watch this. Let's
give it a go.
Waaa-aaa-aaa-aa!
(BABIES CRY)
Shut the fuck up!
Er, can you pull over
and let us out please?
Sorry...
"Shut the
fuck up!"
-You can't say that to a baby. -I know.
-They're potential future customers.
I haven't been sleeping. The
neighbour's baby's been at it all night.
I don't care. You swore at those
babies. They pick up everything.
-They're like sponges.
-Are they heck!
If that's the case, why teach
them Humpty-fucking-Dumpty?
Should be teaching them
times tables and how
to wire a plug if their
brain's that lively.
Look, we've got to
be seen to be acting.
You need to see someone
about those anger issues.
(DISTANT CRYING)
(BABY CRYING)
I don't like the
idea of this.
Can't trust
therapists.
We don't need anyone
else interfering.
We can work everything
out on our own.
-Have you ever told other
babies to, "Shut the fuck up"? -No.
I've thought it. When you hear a baby
screaming its tripe out, of course.
"Oh, I love the sound of that."
It's a racket. So of course.
In my head, I'm thinking, "Shut the
fuck up." But this time it slipped out.
What do you think
brought this reaction on?
The noise. I couldn't
take any more of it.
I'd had one at home all night keeping
me awake so it just got too much.
-Your
baby? -No.
God, no. I don't want a baby. I
don't want one of them in my life.
-Do you feel that strongly about it? -Look
at him sat there, writing everything down.
This is Columbo.
Never say, "Never", and all that but
I'd say I'm 99 percent sure, yeah.
99 percent.
There's still a one percent
chance of it happening.
Yeah, if you're looking at it that
way. Why have we got on to that now?
I thought this was about telling
a baby to, "Shut the fuck up."
I don't want a baby. Is
that a bad thing to say?
You see, you might
think that's odd.
I think the people who
should be sat here are
people who are thinking
about having a kid.
I just don't
get it.
Jesus! I don't like hummus.
Are we gonna discuss that?
You're not as animated
when you talk about
hummus as you are when
you talk about babies.
Look, I...
The reason I split up
with my ex-girlfriend Zoe
is because she started
going down this road,
started going on about having
kids. I never wanted it.
That isn't why I went out with her.
It wasn't what I wanted in life.
I liked her.
I loved her.
I didn't need this extra
thing to join us together.
She kept going
on about it.
Her friends started
having kids.
"Why aren't we having kids?
It's what we're here for."
"If we can have kids, we should have
them cos there's people who can't."
I never understood
that logic.
There people without fucking arms
but I'm not gonna take up juggling.
It's all she was with
me for towards the end.
Just like I was just
a big ball of jizz.
You either want
them or you don't
and I haven't got
the urge for it.
I just can't picture myself getting up in
the middle of the night, dealing with it,
taking it for a
walk in a pram.
It's just not me. I
can't see it in my head.
Do you think the voice
in your head sometimes
gets in the way of what
you want out of life?
Here we go.
I dunno.
You're scared
because your brain's telling you all
the bad things that might happen.
You need to block those
thoughts out, confront the fear.
I want you to challenge yourself
to do something you're afraid of.
Don't put it off,
just get it done.
The inner self can be helpful but
sometimes it can be a handicap.
Cheeky bastard.
"(CLASSICAL
MUSIC)"
This is you
confronting the fear?
Doing a
sperm test.
I don't understand you. When Zoe asked
you to do one, you poo-pooed the idea.
You didn't
want to know.
You started coming up with excuses,
saying you were wankaphobic.
I don't know what's
changed. How much is it?
15 pounds.
15 pounds
for one go?
It's multi-use.
99 percent
accurate.
99... Well, one percent of the price
should come off straight away, then.
Taking the piss. I don't
know why you are doing this.
It says that a good sperm count is around
200 million. That's a lot, isn't it?
Is that what it
says? That is a lot.
It's like having the population of Brazil
swimming round your bollocks. Mental, that.
I'll just have
that, please.
Sperm test kit.
14.95, please.
Are you trying
for a family?
Er, you
know, maybe.
Families are
important.
Toilet here. Why don't you get
in there and knock one out?
You're not gonna be able
to do it at home with Norma about.
I'm trying to
encourage you here.
That shrink said I always get
in the way of you doing things.
No time like the present.
Thanks.
Come on.
-In here. -No, that's a storage
cupboard. -All right, sorry.
No problem. No problem.
I saw the sign.
-Do you want to do that test? -What?
-We have a bathroom up the stairs.
No...
No problem at all. Please,
please come. Least I can do.
-Is that OK? -Yeah, yeah, no problem.
-It's just I live with my auntie.
-I understand. -I don't
get any privacy.
-Have you used that
kit before? -No, no.
It's very simple. The
sperm goes in the pot.
Put the sample in the bottle and
it will be ready in five minutes.
-OK. -Here is
the bathroom.
Thanks. I'll try
not to be too long.
Arjun!
Yeah, a customer.
-What do we have here?
-He's doing a test.
(UNCLEAR SPEECH)
-I'll leave it. I'll leave
it. -No. Please, you stay.
-Stop bringing strangers
up here. -Patients.
You're not a doctor,
just a chemist.
This is what happens once you have
kids. I bet they were happy once.
It's the worst thing you can
do. Honestly. Learn from this.
Forget the test. Keep the
sperm in your bollocks.
That's the best point of your
life, that, being in there.
That's when you are most happiest,
swimming about in there. None of this.
You hear about people saying
they had a tough life.
No-one's ever had a tough
beginning as a sperm.
It's when you come out when it
all turns to shit. (MOBILE RINGS)
-Hello. -Where are you?
-Why, what is it?
-Will you please come home? I need you
here now. -Thanks anyway. What's happened?
'(BABY CRYING)'
(BABY CRYING)
What's going on?
What's that doing here?
Lesley, next door, was exhausted.
I told her I'd give her a break.
Where's the dad? Jesus,
does it ever shut up?
Yeah, when the
batteries run out.
What are you
talking about?
It's not real. It's
a training baby.
Lesley was learning to be a
nanny but it wasn't for her.
-It's been a toy that's been keeping
me awake all week. -It's not a toy.
I know why she's exhausted. I've
had it for an hour and I am worn out.
-Where is the volume control or the
on-and-off button? -There isn't any.
The only way to stop it
from crying is to feed it,
burp it and change
its shitty nappies.
Would you take it out?
I'm getting a migraine.
-She's had a bit of time off. I'll
take it back to her. -She's not there.
-Why? -Well, she told me she went
to The Arches with her friends.
She's gone clubbing?
That's what she thinks she can
do when she's meant to be
looking after someone's kid?
She is one
cheeky cow!
(TOY BABY CRIES)
I don't need this. I'm
supposed to be having a jostle.
What are
you doing?
(TOY BABY CRIES)
Wind it. It might
need winding.
(TOY BABY CRIES)
-What's wrong with the little shit?
-Swearing in front of a baby again.
Swearing should be the first
thing you teach a baby.
It'd probably cry less
if it knew how to swear.
I'd much prefer
to hear a baby say,
"I need fucking winding. I
need fucking feeding."
"Oh, shit, I've
shat myself again."
(TOY BABY
WHIMPERS SOFTLY)
(PEOPLE
CHATTERING)
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Can you just make a bit
of gap to get through.
Sorry. Cheers.
Cheers. Is that
a baby? No way!
Excuse me, mate.
Excuse me. Can you
move over a bit?
Have you got room
for two more in?
Sorry, it's
underage.
I just want to get
it back to its owner.
You're wearing jeans and
trainers. They're not allowed.
-What's wrong with jeans
and trainers? -Next!
What's wrong with jeans and trainers?
He's wearing a fucking bin-bag!
(TOY BABY CRIES)
What's wrong
now? Shh-shh-shh.
(SIGHS) I haven't
got time for this.
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
What's wrong
with you, eh?
What is it now?
Stop here.
I think it's a faulty one.
No real baby cries this much.
Depressed. You've got a
depressed one, a bipolar one.
You've winded it.
It doesn't need winding.
It needs fucking counselling.
It's mental.
Quietening down a bit.
Is that what it was?
All right, happy?
-Yeah? -That's happy. You're
happy. Let's go find its mam.
Come on,
Super Nanny.
(DANCE MUSIC)
What are you
doing here?
Is that her
over there?
Are you Lesley?
Yeah!
-Who are you? -Your
fucking babysitter!
You left it with my auntie. What
are you playing at? Over there.
Dealing with a screaming baby is
a lot easier if it's your own.
-I just can't imagine being a
nanny now. -Well, that's fine but...
-Can you just take it home?
-No. -Please! -No chance.
The agency is going to
pick it up tomorrow.
You can give it
to them, then.
I'm not gonna pull anyone
carrying that thing around.
-Just... -Come on, let's
go for another drink.
Whoo!
Hey. Have you got
your sperm test kit?
It's empty
in here.
Sit there.
You need it all in the
pot. Don't spill it.
What's taking you
so long? Just...
Go a bit
faster with it.
I'm trying
my best here.
You're not stroking a
cat. (TOY BABY CRIES)
Probably needs winding
again. Can't you wind it?
Got your hands
full, haven't you?
(TOY BABY CRIES) Just
try and ignore it.
(OPERATIC MUSIC)
(EXHALES)
Done it.
Good one.
I feel dizzy.
It wasn't
hard, was it?
Job done.
-All right?
-Yeah. You?
I'll tell you what, I'm
glad to be out of there.
Prefer the sound of a baby
crying to that racket.
How's that fun?
You're a
bit quiet.
I'm not surprised
after what that's seen.
It takes five minutes
to get the result.
It says here if you lined up every
sperm from a single ejaculation,
it'd make a queue that
would be six miles long.
Jesus!
It was hard enough herding them
from your bollocks to the pot
without trying to get them to
stand in a queue. (TOY BABY CRIES)
I recognise that cry. It means
you want winding, doesn't it?
(TOY BABY WHIMPERS
SOFTLY) That's it.
It's been an
experience, hasn't it?
Yeah, it has,
hasn't it?
Surprise me a bit. I didn't
think you had what it takes.
It doesn't
look like I do.
Oh, well, it doesn't
matter anyway, does it?
You didn't want
a baby, did you?
At the end of the day, nothing but
hassle and headache. Let's get going.
Mind you, it's only
99 percent accurate.
There's still a
one-percent chance.
~If I should
leave you
~Try to
remember
~The good times
~Warm day
Silver sunshine
~And just a little
bit of rain~
MUSIC)"
"The person you are calling knows you
are waiting. Please hold the line."
"(CLASSICAL
MUSIC)"
"Your call is important to
us. Please hold the line."
"The person you are calling knows you
are waiting. Please hold the line."
"(CLASSICAL
MUSIC)"
"Your call is important
to us. Please hold"...
Environment and Communities
Department. How can I help you?
Yeah, I'm calling
about a noisy neighbour.
OK, can you
give me some details?
Er, yeah, it's been going
on for, like four nights.
Erm, not sleeping.
I'm a cab driver so I'm
going to work feeling
-shattered which isn't
good, is it? -Uh-huh.
-And what sort of noise
is it? -It's a baby.
Erm, right.
OK, we can't actually do
anything about babies as
that's classed more as an
ordinary domestic noise.
What are you
talking about?
It's a
baby, sir.
Yeah, I know but
noise is noise surely.
If it was loud music or a dog barking,
I'd be able to do something but...
I-I don't understand
though. Why?
Because
it's a baby.
Yeah, you keep saying that but babies
can just do what they want, can they?
They've got a
different rule book?
Loud music is not allowed but if the
baby wants loud music, is that all right?
It can just do
what it wants.
We can't upset the baby.
Jesus, I'm sick of it!
'(BABY CRYING)'
It's a shame that babies don't come in,
like, a vibrate mode like mobiles do.
Let the owners know
there's a problem without
everyone else having
to put up with it.
'(BABY CRIES)' Noisy
little bastard.
The mum's got to be deaf. That's
the only explanation, isn't it?
Doesn't stop. I honestly don't know,
like, how the human race isn't extinct
if babies have always
made that racket.
Think about it. Going back thousands
of years when we all lived in caves
and you had a baby
making that racket.
That's basically like an
ice-cream-van chime going off
to some
sabre-toothed tiger.
"Oh, hello. Lunch is
in there. Tuck in."
'(BABY CRIES)'
Ridiculous!
'(BABY CRIES)'
Listen to it. It's like living
next door to fucking Tarzan.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
-Oh, I'm so glad you're
back. -Jesus Christ!
-What are you doing? -Well,
I dozed off. The bulb blew.
I didn't want to try climb out.
I was worried I'd slip.
How long have
you been there?
Since about eight.
That's, like, three hours ago.
Come on, let's be getting you out.
-But no peeking. -Yeah,
honestly, I won't be peeking.
I'm not sleeping at night as it is without
having a naked image of you in my head.
-To the civic
centre, yeah? -Yeah.
(BABY WHIMPERS)
(BABY CRIES)
-Do you mind if we stop off to
pick up a friend? -No problem.
(BABY CRIES)
Why would anyone
want one of them?
Have they got an allocation of noise
that they've got to let out every day?
Why is it
so upset?
It's OK,
Mummy's here.
(BABY SCREAMS)
The crying system doesn't work
really cos what is wrong with it?
Does it need winding? Is it
hungry? Has it shat itself?
That noise it's making is way over
the top for any of those problems.
That sounds like it's found out its
family has been wiped out by a tsunami.
It's had the
worst news ever.
Here she is,
just over there.
Another one's getting
in now as well.
-Are you all right? How
you doing? -Yeah, good.
(BABY CRIES) Aw! Grouchy
today but good. How's yours?
How long do you think it will be before
that one joins in? Place your bets.
(SECOND
BABY CRIES)
Have they met up to see whose baby
can make the most noise or what?
I don't know where they
get the energy from for it.
It's holding a note
longer than Mariah Carey.
Not even breathing. It's
just one continuous...
How's it doing it?
I'm a fully-grown man with big lungs
and I don't think I could match that.
Watch this. Let's
give it a go.
Waaa-aaa-aaa-aa!
(BABIES CRY)
Shut the fuck up!
Er, can you pull over
and let us out please?
Sorry...
"Shut the
fuck up!"
-You can't say that to a baby. -I know.
-They're potential future customers.
I haven't been sleeping. The
neighbour's baby's been at it all night.
I don't care. You swore at those
babies. They pick up everything.
-They're like sponges.
-Are they heck!
If that's the case, why teach
them Humpty-fucking-Dumpty?
Should be teaching them
times tables and how
to wire a plug if their
brain's that lively.
Look, we've got to
be seen to be acting.
You need to see someone
about those anger issues.
(DISTANT CRYING)
(BABY CRYING)
I don't like the
idea of this.
Can't trust
therapists.
We don't need anyone
else interfering.
We can work everything
out on our own.
-Have you ever told other
babies to, "Shut the fuck up"? -No.
I've thought it. When you hear a baby
screaming its tripe out, of course.
"Oh, I love the sound of that."
It's a racket. So of course.
In my head, I'm thinking, "Shut the
fuck up." But this time it slipped out.
What do you think
brought this reaction on?
The noise. I couldn't
take any more of it.
I'd had one at home all night keeping
me awake so it just got too much.
-Your
baby? -No.
God, no. I don't want a baby. I
don't want one of them in my life.
-Do you feel that strongly about it? -Look
at him sat there, writing everything down.
This is Columbo.
Never say, "Never", and all that but
I'd say I'm 99 percent sure, yeah.
99 percent.
There's still a one percent
chance of it happening.
Yeah, if you're looking at it that
way. Why have we got on to that now?
I thought this was about telling
a baby to, "Shut the fuck up."
I don't want a baby. Is
that a bad thing to say?
You see, you might
think that's odd.
I think the people who
should be sat here are
people who are thinking
about having a kid.
I just don't
get it.
Jesus! I don't like hummus.
Are we gonna discuss that?
You're not as animated
when you talk about
hummus as you are when
you talk about babies.
Look, I...
The reason I split up
with my ex-girlfriend Zoe
is because she started
going down this road,
started going on about having
kids. I never wanted it.
That isn't why I went out with her.
It wasn't what I wanted in life.
I liked her.
I loved her.
I didn't need this extra
thing to join us together.
She kept going
on about it.
Her friends started
having kids.
"Why aren't we having kids?
It's what we're here for."
"If we can have kids, we should have
them cos there's people who can't."
I never understood
that logic.
There people without fucking arms
but I'm not gonna take up juggling.
It's all she was with
me for towards the end.
Just like I was just
a big ball of jizz.
You either want
them or you don't
and I haven't got
the urge for it.
I just can't picture myself getting up in
the middle of the night, dealing with it,
taking it for a
walk in a pram.
It's just not me. I
can't see it in my head.
Do you think the voice
in your head sometimes
gets in the way of what
you want out of life?
Here we go.
I dunno.
You're scared
because your brain's telling you all
the bad things that might happen.
You need to block those
thoughts out, confront the fear.
I want you to challenge yourself
to do something you're afraid of.
Don't put it off,
just get it done.
The inner self can be helpful but
sometimes it can be a handicap.
Cheeky bastard.
"(CLASSICAL
MUSIC)"
This is you
confronting the fear?
Doing a
sperm test.
I don't understand you. When Zoe asked
you to do one, you poo-pooed the idea.
You didn't
want to know.
You started coming up with excuses,
saying you were wankaphobic.
I don't know what's
changed. How much is it?
15 pounds.
15 pounds
for one go?
It's multi-use.
99 percent
accurate.
99... Well, one percent of the price
should come off straight away, then.
Taking the piss. I don't
know why you are doing this.
It says that a good sperm count is around
200 million. That's a lot, isn't it?
Is that what it
says? That is a lot.
It's like having the population of Brazil
swimming round your bollocks. Mental, that.
I'll just have
that, please.
Sperm test kit.
14.95, please.
Are you trying
for a family?
Er, you
know, maybe.
Families are
important.
Toilet here. Why don't you get
in there and knock one out?
You're not gonna be able
to do it at home with Norma about.
I'm trying to
encourage you here.
That shrink said I always get
in the way of you doing things.
No time like the present.
Thanks.
Come on.
-In here. -No, that's a storage
cupboard. -All right, sorry.
No problem. No problem.
I saw the sign.
-Do you want to do that test? -What?
-We have a bathroom up the stairs.
No...
No problem at all. Please,
please come. Least I can do.
-Is that OK? -Yeah, yeah, no problem.
-It's just I live with my auntie.
-I understand. -I don't
get any privacy.
-Have you used that
kit before? -No, no.
It's very simple. The
sperm goes in the pot.
Put the sample in the bottle and
it will be ready in five minutes.
-OK. -Here is
the bathroom.
Thanks. I'll try
not to be too long.
Arjun!
Yeah, a customer.
-What do we have here?
-He's doing a test.
(UNCLEAR SPEECH)
-I'll leave it. I'll leave
it. -No. Please, you stay.
-Stop bringing strangers
up here. -Patients.
You're not a doctor,
just a chemist.
This is what happens once you have
kids. I bet they were happy once.
It's the worst thing you can
do. Honestly. Learn from this.
Forget the test. Keep the
sperm in your bollocks.
That's the best point of your
life, that, being in there.
That's when you are most happiest,
swimming about in there. None of this.
You hear about people saying
they had a tough life.
No-one's ever had a tough
beginning as a sperm.
It's when you come out when it
all turns to shit. (MOBILE RINGS)
-Hello. -Where are you?
-Why, what is it?
-Will you please come home? I need you
here now. -Thanks anyway. What's happened?
'(BABY CRYING)'
(BABY CRYING)
What's going on?
What's that doing here?
Lesley, next door, was exhausted.
I told her I'd give her a break.
Where's the dad? Jesus,
does it ever shut up?
Yeah, when the
batteries run out.
What are you
talking about?
It's not real. It's
a training baby.
Lesley was learning to be a
nanny but it wasn't for her.
-It's been a toy that's been keeping
me awake all week. -It's not a toy.
I know why she's exhausted. I've
had it for an hour and I am worn out.
-Where is the volume control or the
on-and-off button? -There isn't any.
The only way to stop it
from crying is to feed it,
burp it and change
its shitty nappies.
Would you take it out?
I'm getting a migraine.
-She's had a bit of time off. I'll
take it back to her. -She's not there.
-Why? -Well, she told me she went
to The Arches with her friends.
She's gone clubbing?
That's what she thinks she can
do when she's meant to be
looking after someone's kid?
She is one
cheeky cow!
(TOY BABY CRIES)
I don't need this. I'm
supposed to be having a jostle.
What are
you doing?
(TOY BABY CRIES)
Wind it. It might
need winding.
(TOY BABY CRIES)
-What's wrong with the little shit?
-Swearing in front of a baby again.
Swearing should be the first
thing you teach a baby.
It'd probably cry less
if it knew how to swear.
I'd much prefer
to hear a baby say,
"I need fucking winding. I
need fucking feeding."
"Oh, shit, I've
shat myself again."
(TOY BABY
WHIMPERS SOFTLY)
(PEOPLE
CHATTERING)
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Can you just make a bit
of gap to get through.
Sorry. Cheers.
Cheers. Is that
a baby? No way!
Excuse me, mate.
Excuse me. Can you
move over a bit?
Have you got room
for two more in?
Sorry, it's
underage.
I just want to get
it back to its owner.
You're wearing jeans and
trainers. They're not allowed.
-What's wrong with jeans
and trainers? -Next!
What's wrong with jeans and trainers?
He's wearing a fucking bin-bag!
(TOY BABY CRIES)
What's wrong
now? Shh-shh-shh.
(SIGHS) I haven't
got time for this.
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
What's wrong
with you, eh?
What is it now?
Stop here.
I think it's a faulty one.
No real baby cries this much.
Depressed. You've got a
depressed one, a bipolar one.
You've winded it.
It doesn't need winding.
It needs fucking counselling.
It's mental.
Quietening down a bit.
Is that what it was?
All right, happy?
-Yeah? -That's happy. You're
happy. Let's go find its mam.
Come on,
Super Nanny.
(DANCE MUSIC)
What are you
doing here?
Is that her
over there?
Are you Lesley?
Yeah!
-Who are you? -Your
fucking babysitter!
You left it with my auntie. What
are you playing at? Over there.
Dealing with a screaming baby is
a lot easier if it's your own.
-I just can't imagine being a
nanny now. -Well, that's fine but...
-Can you just take it home?
-No. -Please! -No chance.
The agency is going to
pick it up tomorrow.
You can give it
to them, then.
I'm not gonna pull anyone
carrying that thing around.
-Just... -Come on, let's
go for another drink.
Whoo!
Hey. Have you got
your sperm test kit?
It's empty
in here.
Sit there.
You need it all in the
pot. Don't spill it.
What's taking you
so long? Just...
Go a bit
faster with it.
I'm trying
my best here.
You're not stroking a
cat. (TOY BABY CRIES)
Probably needs winding
again. Can't you wind it?
Got your hands
full, haven't you?
(TOY BABY CRIES) Just
try and ignore it.
(OPERATIC MUSIC)
(EXHALES)
Done it.
Good one.
I feel dizzy.
It wasn't
hard, was it?
Job done.
-All right?
-Yeah. You?
I'll tell you what, I'm
glad to be out of there.
Prefer the sound of a baby
crying to that racket.
How's that fun?
You're a
bit quiet.
I'm not surprised
after what that's seen.
It takes five minutes
to get the result.
It says here if you lined up every
sperm from a single ejaculation,
it'd make a queue that
would be six miles long.
Jesus!
It was hard enough herding them
from your bollocks to the pot
without trying to get them to
stand in a queue. (TOY BABY CRIES)
I recognise that cry. It means
you want winding, doesn't it?
(TOY BABY WHIMPERS
SOFTLY) That's it.
It's been an
experience, hasn't it?
Yeah, it has,
hasn't it?
Surprise me a bit. I didn't
think you had what it takes.
It doesn't
look like I do.
Oh, well, it doesn't
matter anyway, does it?
You didn't want
a baby, did you?
At the end of the day, nothing but
hassle and headache. Let's get going.
Mind you, it's only
99 percent accurate.
There's still a
one-percent chance.
~If I should
leave you
~Try to
remember
~The good times
~Warm day
Silver sunshine
~And just a little
bit of rain~