Sick Note (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - New Balls - full transcript

Can you put the blow-up bed
back in our room, please?

But we're gonna be using it again tonight.

And?

Can we get you anything, Will?

Oh, I'll have a cranberry juice, Becca.

Yeah, of course.
Get Will a cranberry juice.

- Well, can't you get it?
- And tidy up this pigsty.

You've just told me to do this.

Get the drink on the way back!

No, not there.
Can you put it back in the box?

Pop it on the table, dude.



Fuck you.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

You couldn't make me one of those,
could you, darling?

What, a fruit smoothie?

Yes. I've been thinking about
getting back on track

- with my old fitness levels, you know?
- Here, have mine.

Oh, thank you.

Mmm! I feel thinner already.

I'll get it.

- Oh, Sherry.
- Something's come up.

They've called an emergency meeting
at We Cover. I'll fill you in on the way.

Right. Need to get a few bits and bobs.

Iain, you've got a little...

- something in your whiskers.
- Oh, right.



Oh!

Mmm, mmm! Just a bit of smoothie.

Boiled egg? I can pop one in.

No, no, I'm good.

Did you manage to book the flight?

I'll start looking today.

Right. Didn't you have, like, a wedding?

- Becca, boiled egg?
- Oh, yeah, lovely, ta.

It's Michael from We Cover.

What does he want?

He wants to drive me to work.

- Ooh, can I come?
- Oh, sorry, man.

They're a bit funny about...

bringing guests in.

Oh. Okay.

Good luck booking the flight.

Kenny's dead?

It's that image of him
I can't get out of my mind.

Horrible!

Horrible.

How the hell did he die, Michael?

Suicide.

Kenny West...

dead.

Kenny West, dead.

Well, I can't say I'm surprised.

Always bringing prostitutes
back to the club,

inviting me and Mrs. S over for...

well, God knows what.
Anyway, the incoming CEO

wants to meet with
all the preferred clinic chiefs

and St. Frederick's
is top of the heap because of...

Oh, because of...?

You! Your patient, Daniel Glass.

We get preferential treatment
because of your hard work, Iain.

Right, so I'm in the good books, am I?

Iain, you're an absolute hero.

- Oh.
- I can't thank you enough.

Oh... it's just smoothie.

What say after all this
we take the afternoon off

and go and whack a few tennis balls?

If our ladies are free,
we could make it mixed doubles, eh?

Yes. Yes, that would be wonderful.

Coming, Sherry.

Here they come!

Out of the way, please. This man
has a life-threatening condition.

Daniel Glass, was Kenny West
murdered by animal activists?

- Don't talk to them, Daniel.
- Did Kenny West kill himself?

That is a lie, okay?

That is fake news.
A man is dead and this... this hero

is gravely ill with cancer, okay? So you
should feel ashamed of yourselves.

Out of the way!

Are you in charge now?

No, no.

Um, Mr. West's daughter, Katerina,

she inherits the role of CEO
in the event of a tragedy.

Oh, wow.
Didn't even know he had a daughter.

- Yes.
- What's she like?

Well, she is nothing like Mr. West.

Look at you!

A bunch of losers
who couldn't sell health insurance

even if your worthless lives
depended on it.

I should line you all up against the wall

and slit your fucking throats,
you cum-snorting cunts!

That was an impression of my dad.

I was just trying to lighten the mood.

Oh! That's very good.

Thank you. I'm not my dad.

My dad was a psycho
and he only cared about one thing...

- money.
- And he quite liked hunting.

Ah, yes, he loved killing things

and then he killed himself.

She really isn't anything like her father.

She's prettier.

You guys have made this company
a great success.

You should give yourself
a round of applause.

- Is that what I think it is?
- No, no.

Um, your father, he...

soiled himself at the end.

- Nope. That is what I thought it was.
- What is it?

Anyway, I would like you to be
the first to know

my intentions for We Cover.

- I'm selling it.
- What?

No, you can't.
We Cover is your father's legacy.

That's his legacy.

I... But what about me?

Well, me and the staff, all of us?

Well, I'm sure the buyers
will keep you on

until they find someone better.

Don't you think it a trifle rash to sell?

We Cover is a potential gold mine,

what with the state of the NHS
at the moment.

No, I'm selling because I have to
get back to my family in Nigeria.

Oh, I didn't realize you had family.

Oh.

Okay.

- Are you breastfeeding that monkey?
- It's an orphaned gorilla.

- Yes, well...
- Why, does that bother you?

No, it's just...

Mother's milk.

Oh.

How... do you produce the milk?

Hormone injections.

But they do give me vivid night terrors.

Look, in order to sell,

we're going to have to keep a tight lid
on all the things

surrounding my father's death.

The only people who know
what really happened are us four,

Michael's daughter and...

Sorry. I mean, what... what happened?

What?

Okay, the three of us and the staff member

- that found him.
- Linda.

Mr. West didn't hang himself.

It was a sex game.

What?

You know, where people strangle
themselves while masturbating.

Oh, my God!

And also... of course.

Just keep it to yourself.

Oh, don't worry, you can trust me.

And you can trust me too.

Okay. You can get your life back.

No more Kenny, no more bullshit.

First, end things with Becca, move out.

Second, tell Glennis
we're ending this cancer shit.

Third, ask Linda out.

She's into you.

Fourth, tell Will to fuck off home.

- Who's Will?
- Jesus Christ!

Why did you sneak up on me?

I didn't sneak up on you.
I've just come in for a little tinkle.

Listen, I want to get better quicker.

Well, I mean,
you've barely been diagnosed

and you've only just started
your "chemotherapy."

Can't we fudge the timeline?
You know, fake some new scans?

No one will believe that.

We could fast-track "surgery."

Okay, great. So, like, in a few weeks?

Yes, okay. Kenny West's daughter
is planning on selling the company,

so she can continue
to breastfeed monkeys.

It would be nice to be out of this pickle.

All right, well, let's use this time

and we'll book you in
for your "operation."

- Stop doing that.
- I'm sorry.

Ah, weeing, the great leveler.

- Can you keep a secret?
- What do you think?

Oh, yes, the cancer.

Well, here's another one for you.

Kenny West hung himself.

- It was autoerotic asphyxiation.
- No, no, no, no!

No, he didn't kill himself in a car.

He hung himself in Michael's office.
Believe you me, I've seen the stain.

- Just look it up.
- Oh.

What the fuck?

However high you are... bang!

If you land on the right position,
you can survive the highest height.

Oh, Daniel, here's your friend Will.

Yeah. What are you doing here?

What, a best friend needs a reason
to come and see his best friend?

Oh, that's nice. We were just talking
about your other friend, Ash.

Well, Will was saying he fell, but...

It wasn't a fall.

He was in a hit and run.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I always make that mistake.

It's because his injuries made it
look like he'd had a fall, so...

Oh.

Okay, so I was thinking
we could go grab a bite to eat.

Yeah, okay.
Yeah, there's a café downstairs.

- Cool. Okay, well, Linda, bye-bye.
- Bye.

"The loss of oxygen delivery
increases pleasure,

heightening masturbatory sensation."

Why would someone
strangle themselves mid-coitus?

Glennis.

No! Are you kidding me?
The famous Dr. Glennis?

Oh!

Ah, well, thank you.
I wouldn't say famous,

although I have been getting
some rather positive feedback

for my work recently. And you are...?

This is my American friend.

- Er, from America.
- Hey.

Will. We're just gonna get some lunch.

Right. Well, I would love to join you,

but I have a rather important meeting
with a senior doctor

and believe it or not,
we're having a game of tennis!

- Right.
- Right, well, I'm off.

Yeah, we're going the same way.

Oh, great.

- After you.
- Yes.

We want to give our customers...

Going down, guys?

We're on the top floor.

Oh, yes, of course.

- That's a very unusual mask.
- Bollocks!

Haven't seen one of those for many years.

It's old. Health care in the US
costs so much.

I'm saving up for a transplant.

Ah, right.

What's it covering?

Okay, so I'm eight years old.

Mom had been ironing in our trailer.

She left the iron on.

I was standing on a stool,
reaching for the cookie jar

and the stool gives way,

so I come down,
bring the ironing board with me and...

- Tragic tale.
- Yeah.

- Let's have a little look...
- Oh, no!

- Honestly, it's fine.
- I'm highly trained.

I might be able to sort something better
out for you.

Er, no, I'm great, thank you.

I have seen all sorts. Nothing to be
ashamed of. Let's have a peek.

Will!

- He bit me!
- Sorry.

Oh.

Dr. Glennis, I...

I'm really sorry. I just don't like
people looking at my face.

Oh, it's my wife. I should get going.

Dr. Glennis, again, I really am...

No.

You've done enough.

You bit my doctor!

Daniel, you don't know what it's like
having this hideous visage.

I'm a monster!

Lunch?

Although technically, I've already eaten.

Daniel?

Hello. I'm Linda.

- Hi.
- I'm so sorry for your loss.

Don't be. Are you okay?
Do you need see a counselor?

Oh, no, I'm fine. I once saw a man
get run over by a tram.

So... could you keep the details
of what you saw to yourself?

You mean not tell anyone?

Exactly.

- You haven't, have you?
- Me? No, of course not.

What's that?

Oh, that's a stress thumb.

You place it over your actual thumb,
suck and it releases a...

Linda, I don't think Miss West
has got time for your inventions.

Well, you must be stressed
with everything.

They're usually £20, but please, take one.

Mmm.

Looks like something my dad
would've used in one of his sex games.

I daresay he did.

I've bought you a new racquet.

Oh, thank you, my love.

Jesus Christ!

What's wrong? Are you okay?

Oh! I've got a bit of cramp.

Is there anything you need?

Hang on one second, darling.
I'm just going to put you on hold.

Ah!

Um... how about a sweatband?

Already got you one, my sweaty husband.

See you in an hour.

- I'm so excited!
- Yes. Yes, me too.

Eugh! Omelets!

I can't believe
they don't do hard boiled eggs here.

I mean, God knows what's in this.

So you, er... you booked your flight yet?

Wow! Anyone would think
you wanna get rid of me.

No! No, it's just...

It's not that. It's just...

You know, we've talked online for years,

but I've really known nothing about you.

But, dude, I mean,
that can totally change now, you know?

I mean, isn't it great
to finally put a face to the name?

Or you know...

...half a face.

- Half a face!
- Yes, good one.

So, I was thinking,
after my cousin's wedding,

I could come back...

permanently.

Fill the void that Ash's death created,
you know?

Yeah, yeah, that... that's not gonna work.

Dude, of course it's gonna work.
I'm your best friend

No.

No, Will, we're not best friends.

Yeah, we are.

No. We're not.

You know, we're...
we're online best friends.

Got it.

Look, listen...

Things are changing, okay?

Me and Dr. Glennis,
we're ending the lie, okay?

And I'm leaving Becca, so...

What?

Why?

She was shagging my best friend.

Oh, Ash this, Ash that!

Like he was ever that great.

You know what, Daniel?

I would never do that to you, dude.
No, never!

I'm sorry, Will.

But it's just... time to move on.

You, know Daniel,
you've been through so much already.

I'm just sorry
I haven't been more understanding.

No!

No, you've been great, you know?

I've loved...

- Yeah.
- You know.

But I just think it's time
for me to kind of

do this on my own, you know?

Well, see you on the battlefield, soldier.

- Yeah.
- I gotta get to the airport.

Fucking hell!

Tick.

Ah! That's the ticket.

Oh!

Andrew Agassi,

eat your heart out. Right.

Hey, Linda, I was...

Oh, I meant to ask you,

are you allowed to drink
on your medication?

Er, yeah, yeah. Er, why?

Oh, well, some of us are going out
after work to celebrate Mr. West's death.

Oh, you mean to celebrate his life?

Yeah. You can bring your girlfriend.

Oh, yeah, actually we're...

we're kind of breaking up, you know.

How interesting.

Well, just bring yourself, then.

Yeah.

Perfect.

Tick.

So, do you want to hit a few balls
before we start?

- Well, let's just get going, shall we?
- Right-o.

Good luck.

Let them win, remember?

Yes, my treasure.

- Nice drop shot.
- Yes, thank you.

Love-15.

Argh!

You've got a deft touch.

I keep on expecting a fast one with all
the oomph you keep on putting into it.

Ah, yes, thank you, Sherry.

- You're supposed to let them win.
- I am trying, Annette.

Oh, hi, darling.

- Good day at work?
- Yeah.

Yeah, it was, actually. Yeah.

- And we've got something to talk about.
- Yeah, go on. What?

Will, I... I thought you were leaving?

I couldn't find any flights.

What about your cousin's wedding?

Oh, my cousin's a tool.

I'd much rather stay here with you guys.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

- Becca said...
- No. Will can stay

as long as he likes.

He is a great house guest.

And you need a friend right now, Daniel.

This one for the match.

An ace!

Game, set and match.

You were supposed to let them win!

I tried, my darling.

- Is your hand all right?
- It's just a friction burn.

Darling, have you been
sneaking in lessons?

- Iain, well done!
- Argh!

Now, listen, as Kenny West's
membership has... expired,

there's an opening.
Would you be interested in a spot?

Yes, yes. Yes, we would.

Good.

Iain, we're going to be members!

They seemed interested.

Well, Seamus Wayne
have bought and dissolved

three health insurance firms
in the last 18 months.

We're going to be on the streets
busking for change.

Finally you'll make an honest living.

No, but seriously, I've worked
very hard for this company...

- You've gotta be fucking kidding!
- No, I promise you,

- there's years of unpaid overtime...
- No, this. It's all over Reddit.

I knew it was gonna come out.

Okay, what's Reddit?

Just look at BBC News in about two hours.

My dad's death, all the gory details.

Oh, and come on,
they've got memes already.

Oh, not meme... What are memes?

Kenny West CEO wanks over insurance...

Seamus Wayne.

Hello again.

Yes... it is rather unfortunate.

Well, I will tell Miss West the bad news.

Well, that's a shame.

It is what it is.

It is what it is. It is what it is.

It is what it is.

Coming to bed, my tennis pro?

Er, yes, darling.

I'm just going to finish
my victor's drink.

Well, somebody deserves a cuddle

for getting us on the list
for club membership.

So don't be long.

I'll be up as soon as I... can,
my darling.

It's so lovely to have you here,
Will, it really is.

So, who fancies a film?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah? Daniel, do you want to choose one?

Yeah, fine.

I'm just gonna go to the loo. Can I get
anyone a drink on my way back?

Oh, you know, I would love
a cranberry juice, Becca.

Mm-hm.

Right, how long are you staying?

As long as I like.

I told you, I'm leaving Becca.

I'm gonna tell her.

Tell her?

Everything.

You faking cancer,
how Ash fell from your window,

- how you put him in the road to make it...
- Don't.

One thing you were right about today.

We're not friends.

Okay, look...

- I'm sorry what I said earlier, okay?
- I'll tell you what.

You give me ten grand

and I'll disappear without telling anyone.

I don't have ten grand.

Then find it.

Otherwise you'll have a shit ton
of explaining to do.

God, haven't you picked one yet?

No.

No, I thought we'd let our...
guest choose.

Do you guys have The Notebook?

Oh! Yes!

Yes! Daniel, get it.

Come on, Iain. What are you up to?

Subtitles by explosiveskull