Sick Note (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Playing Ball - full transcript
That was Chopin's
"Minute Waltz".
Lasts about as long
as a Middle-Eastern ceasefire.
The time now is 12:30 p.m.,
and also time for one of my favorites:
Verdi's "La Traviata".
07 700 900 843.
Dr Iain Glennis speaking?
You need to come here now.
Hello, Daniel.
Sorry, uh, I can't. It's my day off.
Fuck your day off!
Something terrible has happened.
Calm... Calm down.
- Can you give me a couple of hours?
- No! Now!
Someone found out about our secret,
and now they're dead.
So, you can either stay there
and enjoy your last day as a free man,
or you can come here
and help me fix this situation
that could fuck us both.
I'm on my way but...
but please stop swearing at me.
Daniel... Daniel?
Subtitles by explosiveskull
- He was making love to your girlfriend?
- Yes!
- He tried to escape out the window.
- You pushed him?
- No! He fell! I didn't touch him.
- Yeah, yeah. He... He fell. He just fell.
Yes, he fell.
I can't find his pulse.
He's not breathing.
Yeah, vital signs
can often elude the layman.
Have you moved him?
No, he fell holding a newspaper
and landed in that chair.
Of course I moved him!
You're not supposed
to move someone after a fall,
you can make their injuries worse.
I imagine there'll be a lot
of cranial bruising and bleeding.
- He's dead.
- Oh, fuck!
- I'm sorry.
- What do we do? Take him to the hospital?
Only if you want
to go to prison for murder.
- Murder?! I told you, he slipped.
- Yeah, yeah.
You discover your best friend
having an affair with your girlfriend
and he suddenly takes
a mysterious fall from your window.
He did slip.
- We need to move this.
- Yes, yes. Understood.
But I just want to make it
crystal clear... this body...
Shhh!
This...
This body has got
nothing to do with me, OK?
Remember when
you misdiagnosed me with cancer?
You owe me one.
Fine. Fine. Um...
We can dump his body on a quiet road
and make it look like
he's been run over.
But instead of stopping,
the driver has decided
to simply drive away.
- You mean a hit-and-run.
- Yeah, or we could try that.
I saw a villain do it once
in an episode of Murder, She Wrote.
Did they get away with it?
- Oh, no. No, they went to prison.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
They went to prison
because they didn't have an alibi.
So... So, I just pretend
I've been in work all day.
Oh, I see.
Right, so, you go back to work
and sit behind your desk
while muggins here
dumps a body on a quiet road.
- That's pretty much it.
- Right, OK.
It was my day off today.
We need to cover the body
and we'll take it to my car.
Oh, brilliant.
Your friend's big-boned, isn't he?
The blanket is to hide
the fact we're carrying a body.
Sorry. This is me.
Sorry.
- Right...
- Open the boot!
- What are you doing?
- I'm always losing them.
You must have them, you drove it here!
- What's going on?
- Oh, it's ever so temperamental.
I'll pull it while you press.
One, two, three.
One, two...
We'll go in through the back seat.
Yes!
"I'm so fucking wet."
It's been raining. Just get a towel, then.
- But please stop swearing.
- It's a message.
It's from Becca to Ash, it's his phone.
Oh, right. Your girlfriend's been
sending rude messages to your friend?
Yes!
- They're sending each other pictures, too.
- Oh, really? What... What of?
Never mind.
Well, you're going to have
to send a message back, so...
she thinks he's still alive.
Oh, for...
You're right. Well, what do I put?
Oh, I don't know, um...
Compliment her on her bottom.
Right. Dump this by the body.
No...
Call me from it just before you do.
And if anyone asks, I can say
I spoke to him and he seemed fine.
- OK.
- Yeah, the code is 2-0-1-9.
You know your best friend's code?
We have the same one, it's Blade Runner.
2019 is the year it's set.
I don't know what Blade Runner is.
I might forget it.
- I'll make it the same as yours.
- I don't have one.
I kept getting locked out.
OK, I'll make it 1-2-3-4.
Think you can remember that?
1-2-3-4?
- Yeah.
- OK, I'm going to go now.
Don't f... mess it up.
OK, OK.
Uh, remember when you get back
to work... everything is fine and dandy.
Uh, apart from the fact you have cancer.
Excuse me? Hello? Hello?
We'd like to eat some food.
- Certainly, sir.
- I'd like the...
Bring us a dozen oysters to start,
and then let's have the Wagyu beef...
how do you like your meat cooked?
- I don't really eat meat...
- She'll have hers medium.
I'll have mine blue and bloody.
Now do you think you can handle that?
Yes, certainly.
Fucking waiters.
It goes rapists, pedophiles,
vegans, Democrats,
the shit on the sole on my shoe,
and then fucking waiters.
Loads of the Made in Chelsea people
come here.
Oh, I love that show.
A bunch of pretty, rich people,
all fucking each other.
- Yeah...
- Genius.
So, anyway, I know
the Stress Thumbs weren't...
You know, that's all they really do,
is they just fuck each other all the time.
Then they fuck each other
behind each other's backs,
and then they get caught fucking
each other... it's fabulous.
Right.
So, you know when you're in the shower...
And they fuck in the shower.
I love fucking in the shower.
- So, when you wash yourself...
- Mm...
- ...the shower gel's all cold, right?
- Mm.
That's why I've invented
the Shower Gel Warmer.
What?
It's a cozy for your shower gel,
it makes it warm.
Love it!
You know, my shower gel
is always freezing ass.
- Really? Oh, wow.
- Yes.
I've already knitted the prototype.
It would be lovely if you gave me
a personal demonstration in my shower.
Tonight would be good.
What?
I can't shower in front of my boss,
I'd be embarrassed.
Mother... fuckers!
Uh... Hmm...
Where can I dump him? Dump him?
Oh, we were best friends.
- I'm calling the police.
- What? Why?
To escort you from the premises
for lying to your boss.
That was a joke.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to startle you.
- Why did you say "the police"?
- I thought it would be funny.
I'm sorry. It didn't land.
I'm sorry.
Oh... I see.
Well, the Post-It Note said you'd gone
and you weren't at your desk, so...
No, I've been in the toilets
for the past few hours, um...
I was planning on going home
but then the sickness passed.
Yeah, sure. Listen, I understand.
Do you need to be here?
Oh, definitely. Yeah.
No, no. Yeah, no,
it's taken my mind off it.
You have one new message.
Hey, baby,
I saw the clip online. I hope you're OK.
I'm thinking about you.
To listen again, press one...
Caring for the sick
is what We Cover is all about.
Oh, shit.
You fucking asshole!
What the fuck?!
I thought you said
they were going to hold this,
they were never going to show it.
Get him the fuck in here!
Daniel?
Pop in for a quick word?
- 07 700...
- Why...
are you using my juicing
ingredients for your shit paintings?
Oh. You're not meant to see it yet.
It's meant to be a surprise, darling.
Yeah, well, you can surprise
the people at the health food shop,
by buying some replacements.
That might be a tad tricky, darling,
in the middle of something.
Do you remember what happened
after dinner with the Corbetts?
Of course I do.
- Um, I'll... I'll be as quick as I can.
- I'll text you a list.
Just try not to lose your phone
before you get to the shop.
I won't, darling. Annette, I love...
Annette?
Everything all right, Mr. West?
- You bastard!
- OK, can we just please calm down? OK?
Now, Kenny, Daniel is obviously
unaware as to what's happened
because he's been in the toilet
all morning, being sick.
Well, that's funny.
Because, for the last 30 minutes,
I've been forwarded these clips
of him being sick on me.
I thought they said they weren't
going to release that footage.
Yeah, well, some asshole did.
- And a health boss getting puked on?
- Well...
...the irony isn't lost on me.
I am so sorry, Mr. West,
you know, I mean...
I mean, this is as embarrassing
for me as it is for you.
Kenny! Now, I've just received a message
from my contact at BBC News.
Now, they had no idea
that Daniel has cancer!
Daniel has cancer.
And they want to do a follow-up piece,
like a human-interest story.
Now, that's everyone sharing a clip
that will promote We Cover.
Be careful around my... my car, will you?
- Tropical, eh? Fun.
- Yeah.
Ooh... If you spend over £30,
you can get a free carob bar.
Uh, no, thanks.
It's a great chocolate substitute
and it'll help keep those pounds off.
Uh...
Stay away from my car.
Would you like any cashback?
Sir?
You just get back in here, right now!
Little fucking hooligans!
Oh, shit.
Hi, Vanessa. How's it going?
Have I spoken to Ash?
Uh, yeah. He's my best mate.
It would be a bit weird
if I'd never spoken to him.
Sorry.
Yeah. No, no, I spoke to him at lunch.
Yeah, I'm at work.
Yeah, it sounded like he was walking
along a busy road?
Not sure if that rings any bells with you.
Sure. Yeah, yeah. If I...
If I hear from him, I'll call you.
OK. See... See you both soon.
All right. Bye!
Fuck.
Hey...
My dad had days
where he couldn't face anything.
Just go home.
Remember, you can do
whatever you like. Hm?
Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
You bet I am.
You could get away with anything.
Speeding, robbing a bank...
Oh! Even murder.
Oh, for Pete's sake!
I wasn't over the speed limit,
was I, Officer?
No, sir, you were driving at 6 mph.
Right, so, what's the...
what's the problem?
Well, just as driving too fast is
dangerous, so is driving too slow.
Oh, I did not know that.
- So, you're a doctor?
- Yes, indeed I am.
I'm all up to date on my tax,
MOT, insurance, etc.
Your rear wheel on the right side is bald.
All right. Well...
I will go to a garage
right this minute and...
- Just replace it with your spare.
- The garage, it's five minutes away.
- Look, let me help you.
- Ah...
No, no, it's fine, honestly.
I'm sure you have some crimes
that you need to solve.
I insist. I don't want you thinking
we're all jobsworths.
Pop the boot.
Sir, decline the call and pop the boot.
- Ah, I've connected it by mistake.
- Dr Glennis? Hello?
Sorry, Officer, I'm...
I'm terrible with mobile phones.
Sir, put your phone away
and pop the boot.
Uh-oh.
Let's just get your boot popped
and get you on your way.
Hey... would you like a drink?
Would you like some coconut water?
- No, thank you.
- Or some kale?
Just throw the keys to me.
Nice throw.
Get back here!
- What happened?
- It was a hooligan. He went that way!
Make sure you get
that tire changed, sir.
Shit.
Fuck. He's going to tell them everything.
I've got to get out of here.
Ah, Lanzarote!
It's a shithole.
But I can recommend
a terrific brothel there.
Although, for £74,
I think you'll be lucky to find a guy
that will let you suck him off.
Mr. West, I don't think
I can do the interview today.
I'm... I'm not really up to it,
I don't think,
and I think I might even puke.
So, I think I'm just going to head home.
No, you're not. Come with.
Oh, Lord. Um...
Uh...
Oh, blast.
The batteries on these last
as long as a Middle-Eastern ceasefire.
OK...
Oh, why don't you just bog off?!
Whoa, whoa, what's happening?!
Come on, have a look.
I'm not... I'm not comfortable with this.
Open your eyes, shithead. Have a look.
See?
One ball.
You had testicular cancer?
Nobody knows.
I went through the whole thing by myself.
I didn't cry like a little pussy,
and I ran this fucking company
at the same time.
Can you put it away now, please?
No, you keep looking at it because this...
is why you're going to man up
and get out there and do that interview.
You pathetic little shit-clot.
Now, you dry up those eyes.
We're doing the interview. Ten minutes.
Oh, shit. Too high.
Is everything OK?
Yeah, yeah. No, no, I'm good, um...
Just trying to get some...
you know, fresh air.
OK. Well, um... your doctor's on line one.
Thanks. Thanks, Michael. Yeah.
- Oh, could you just... Um, yeah.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Uh, yeah, if you wouldn't mind?
You know, it could be of a, you know...
Yes.
- What's going on?
- Uh, it's done. I dumped the body.
I thought you'd been arrested!
There was a cop asking
to look in your boot.
Oh, yes. Yes. He was helping me
change my rear wheel.
Um, it's sorted.
The plan went to, uh, plan.
Oh, thank God.
You were supposed
to call me on Ash's phone.
For the alibi.
Yes. Yes, uh...
That one ran out of battery too.
These... These things last about
as long as a Middle-Eastern ceasefire.
Don't they, Daniel?
Daniel?
Daniel? Uh, are you there?
Daniel?
Daniel...
OK.
I'll play ball.
Was that a joke?
Oh! No! No, no, no.
Pity.
It's a good one.
So, Mr. West, it seems
there's a bit more to this story
than we initially thought.
Of course, um,
Daniel had just received the worst news
that a person can possibly receive.
He had been diagnosed
with life-threatening cancer.
And we hope that those
that are sharing the clip...
and it is a great clip...
will think about the story
behind the story
as they view it.
And, Daniel, how has this affected you?
We Cover have been so supportive.
Oh, of course.
Uh, my girlfriend, Becca,
you know, she's stood by my side.
And, um... my best friend, Ash,
he, um... I haven't seen him
in a couple of days, um...
but we're planning on meeting up soon.
As it seems like ages
since we last saw each other,
even though it's only been
a couple of days.
Two hours I waited.
I was so hungry
I tried to juice a fucking banana.
And somehow,
you still managed to come home
with the wrong fucking stuff.
I... I know, I know. I'm sorry.
I mean, how is almond milk
the same as coconut water?
- Both nuts.
- I beg your pardon?
I said, "They are both derived from nuts."
Please don't.
Annette, please.
Hi, Daniel, it's Vanessaaa.
I've got bad news about Aaash.
He's died after falling
from your bedroom window
after fucking your girlfriend.
Yeah, can you...
can you please be serious?
You know, I need to work out how
I'm going to react when she calls.
You know, what do I do? Do I cry?
Go all quiet? What?
Well, how do you feel about it?
Uh, I don't know.
He was fucking Becca.
But, you know, he was also my best friend.
Well, just be your usual bullshitty self.
- Oh, God.
- What?
- Shit, it's Vanessa.
- Oh! Do not quit. I wanna hear this!
Uh, I can't do it. I can't.
I can't speak to her.
Dude, you have to. You gotta
pretend everything's normal, yeah?
I'll call her back. I... I need a minute.
Pussy.
Oh, fuck! She's calling again!
Shall I get that for you
so you can carry on?
- Thanks, yeah.
- Oh, God. You lucky fucker.
Hi, Vanessa. Sorry, Daniel's just...
Oh, my God.
What's... What's up?
It's Ash. He's...
He's been in an accident. He's...
- He's in hospital.
- He's dead?
No, he's not dead, he's in the hospital.
He was hit by a car.
- He's... not... dead?
- No!
He's in surgery!
- Oh, my God...
- Ash is alive?
Dude, what the fuck?!
Subtitles by explosiveskull
"Minute Waltz".
Lasts about as long
as a Middle-Eastern ceasefire.
The time now is 12:30 p.m.,
and also time for one of my favorites:
Verdi's "La Traviata".
07 700 900 843.
Dr Iain Glennis speaking?
You need to come here now.
Hello, Daniel.
Sorry, uh, I can't. It's my day off.
Fuck your day off!
Something terrible has happened.
Calm... Calm down.
- Can you give me a couple of hours?
- No! Now!
Someone found out about our secret,
and now they're dead.
So, you can either stay there
and enjoy your last day as a free man,
or you can come here
and help me fix this situation
that could fuck us both.
I'm on my way but...
but please stop swearing at me.
Daniel... Daniel?
Subtitles by explosiveskull
- He was making love to your girlfriend?
- Yes!
- He tried to escape out the window.
- You pushed him?
- No! He fell! I didn't touch him.
- Yeah, yeah. He... He fell. He just fell.
Yes, he fell.
I can't find his pulse.
He's not breathing.
Yeah, vital signs
can often elude the layman.
Have you moved him?
No, he fell holding a newspaper
and landed in that chair.
Of course I moved him!
You're not supposed
to move someone after a fall,
you can make their injuries worse.
I imagine there'll be a lot
of cranial bruising and bleeding.
- He's dead.
- Oh, fuck!
- I'm sorry.
- What do we do? Take him to the hospital?
Only if you want
to go to prison for murder.
- Murder?! I told you, he slipped.
- Yeah, yeah.
You discover your best friend
having an affair with your girlfriend
and he suddenly takes
a mysterious fall from your window.
He did slip.
- We need to move this.
- Yes, yes. Understood.
But I just want to make it
crystal clear... this body...
Shhh!
This...
This body has got
nothing to do with me, OK?
Remember when
you misdiagnosed me with cancer?
You owe me one.
Fine. Fine. Um...
We can dump his body on a quiet road
and make it look like
he's been run over.
But instead of stopping,
the driver has decided
to simply drive away.
- You mean a hit-and-run.
- Yeah, or we could try that.
I saw a villain do it once
in an episode of Murder, She Wrote.
Did they get away with it?
- Oh, no. No, they went to prison.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
They went to prison
because they didn't have an alibi.
So... So, I just pretend
I've been in work all day.
Oh, I see.
Right, so, you go back to work
and sit behind your desk
while muggins here
dumps a body on a quiet road.
- That's pretty much it.
- Right, OK.
It was my day off today.
We need to cover the body
and we'll take it to my car.
Oh, brilliant.
Your friend's big-boned, isn't he?
The blanket is to hide
the fact we're carrying a body.
Sorry. This is me.
Sorry.
- Right...
- Open the boot!
- What are you doing?
- I'm always losing them.
You must have them, you drove it here!
- What's going on?
- Oh, it's ever so temperamental.
I'll pull it while you press.
One, two, three.
One, two...
We'll go in through the back seat.
Yes!
"I'm so fucking wet."
It's been raining. Just get a towel, then.
- But please stop swearing.
- It's a message.
It's from Becca to Ash, it's his phone.
Oh, right. Your girlfriend's been
sending rude messages to your friend?
Yes!
- They're sending each other pictures, too.
- Oh, really? What... What of?
Never mind.
Well, you're going to have
to send a message back, so...
she thinks he's still alive.
Oh, for...
You're right. Well, what do I put?
Oh, I don't know, um...
Compliment her on her bottom.
Right. Dump this by the body.
No...
Call me from it just before you do.
And if anyone asks, I can say
I spoke to him and he seemed fine.
- OK.
- Yeah, the code is 2-0-1-9.
You know your best friend's code?
We have the same one, it's Blade Runner.
2019 is the year it's set.
I don't know what Blade Runner is.
I might forget it.
- I'll make it the same as yours.
- I don't have one.
I kept getting locked out.
OK, I'll make it 1-2-3-4.
Think you can remember that?
1-2-3-4?
- Yeah.
- OK, I'm going to go now.
Don't f... mess it up.
OK, OK.
Uh, remember when you get back
to work... everything is fine and dandy.
Uh, apart from the fact you have cancer.
Excuse me? Hello? Hello?
We'd like to eat some food.
- Certainly, sir.
- I'd like the...
Bring us a dozen oysters to start,
and then let's have the Wagyu beef...
how do you like your meat cooked?
- I don't really eat meat...
- She'll have hers medium.
I'll have mine blue and bloody.
Now do you think you can handle that?
Yes, certainly.
Fucking waiters.
It goes rapists, pedophiles,
vegans, Democrats,
the shit on the sole on my shoe,
and then fucking waiters.
Loads of the Made in Chelsea people
come here.
Oh, I love that show.
A bunch of pretty, rich people,
all fucking each other.
- Yeah...
- Genius.
So, anyway, I know
the Stress Thumbs weren't...
You know, that's all they really do,
is they just fuck each other all the time.
Then they fuck each other
behind each other's backs,
and then they get caught fucking
each other... it's fabulous.
Right.
So, you know when you're in the shower...
And they fuck in the shower.
I love fucking in the shower.
- So, when you wash yourself...
- Mm...
- ...the shower gel's all cold, right?
- Mm.
That's why I've invented
the Shower Gel Warmer.
What?
It's a cozy for your shower gel,
it makes it warm.
Love it!
You know, my shower gel
is always freezing ass.
- Really? Oh, wow.
- Yes.
I've already knitted the prototype.
It would be lovely if you gave me
a personal demonstration in my shower.
Tonight would be good.
What?
I can't shower in front of my boss,
I'd be embarrassed.
Mother... fuckers!
Uh... Hmm...
Where can I dump him? Dump him?
Oh, we were best friends.
- I'm calling the police.
- What? Why?
To escort you from the premises
for lying to your boss.
That was a joke.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to startle you.
- Why did you say "the police"?
- I thought it would be funny.
I'm sorry. It didn't land.
I'm sorry.
Oh... I see.
Well, the Post-It Note said you'd gone
and you weren't at your desk, so...
No, I've been in the toilets
for the past few hours, um...
I was planning on going home
but then the sickness passed.
Yeah, sure. Listen, I understand.
Do you need to be here?
Oh, definitely. Yeah.
No, no. Yeah, no,
it's taken my mind off it.
You have one new message.
Hey, baby,
I saw the clip online. I hope you're OK.
I'm thinking about you.
To listen again, press one...
Caring for the sick
is what We Cover is all about.
Oh, shit.
You fucking asshole!
What the fuck?!
I thought you said
they were going to hold this,
they were never going to show it.
Get him the fuck in here!
Daniel?
Pop in for a quick word?
- 07 700...
- Why...
are you using my juicing
ingredients for your shit paintings?
Oh. You're not meant to see it yet.
It's meant to be a surprise, darling.
Yeah, well, you can surprise
the people at the health food shop,
by buying some replacements.
That might be a tad tricky, darling,
in the middle of something.
Do you remember what happened
after dinner with the Corbetts?
Of course I do.
- Um, I'll... I'll be as quick as I can.
- I'll text you a list.
Just try not to lose your phone
before you get to the shop.
I won't, darling. Annette, I love...
Annette?
Everything all right, Mr. West?
- You bastard!
- OK, can we just please calm down? OK?
Now, Kenny, Daniel is obviously
unaware as to what's happened
because he's been in the toilet
all morning, being sick.
Well, that's funny.
Because, for the last 30 minutes,
I've been forwarded these clips
of him being sick on me.
I thought they said they weren't
going to release that footage.
Yeah, well, some asshole did.
- And a health boss getting puked on?
- Well...
...the irony isn't lost on me.
I am so sorry, Mr. West,
you know, I mean...
I mean, this is as embarrassing
for me as it is for you.
Kenny! Now, I've just received a message
from my contact at BBC News.
Now, they had no idea
that Daniel has cancer!
Daniel has cancer.
And they want to do a follow-up piece,
like a human-interest story.
Now, that's everyone sharing a clip
that will promote We Cover.
Be careful around my... my car, will you?
- Tropical, eh? Fun.
- Yeah.
Ooh... If you spend over £30,
you can get a free carob bar.
Uh, no, thanks.
It's a great chocolate substitute
and it'll help keep those pounds off.
Uh...
Stay away from my car.
Would you like any cashback?
Sir?
You just get back in here, right now!
Little fucking hooligans!
Oh, shit.
Hi, Vanessa. How's it going?
Have I spoken to Ash?
Uh, yeah. He's my best mate.
It would be a bit weird
if I'd never spoken to him.
Sorry.
Yeah. No, no, I spoke to him at lunch.
Yeah, I'm at work.
Yeah, it sounded like he was walking
along a busy road?
Not sure if that rings any bells with you.
Sure. Yeah, yeah. If I...
If I hear from him, I'll call you.
OK. See... See you both soon.
All right. Bye!
Fuck.
Hey...
My dad had days
where he couldn't face anything.
Just go home.
Remember, you can do
whatever you like. Hm?
Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
You bet I am.
You could get away with anything.
Speeding, robbing a bank...
Oh! Even murder.
Oh, for Pete's sake!
I wasn't over the speed limit,
was I, Officer?
No, sir, you were driving at 6 mph.
Right, so, what's the...
what's the problem?
Well, just as driving too fast is
dangerous, so is driving too slow.
Oh, I did not know that.
- So, you're a doctor?
- Yes, indeed I am.
I'm all up to date on my tax,
MOT, insurance, etc.
Your rear wheel on the right side is bald.
All right. Well...
I will go to a garage
right this minute and...
- Just replace it with your spare.
- The garage, it's five minutes away.
- Look, let me help you.
- Ah...
No, no, it's fine, honestly.
I'm sure you have some crimes
that you need to solve.
I insist. I don't want you thinking
we're all jobsworths.
Pop the boot.
Sir, decline the call and pop the boot.
- Ah, I've connected it by mistake.
- Dr Glennis? Hello?
Sorry, Officer, I'm...
I'm terrible with mobile phones.
Sir, put your phone away
and pop the boot.
Uh-oh.
Let's just get your boot popped
and get you on your way.
Hey... would you like a drink?
Would you like some coconut water?
- No, thank you.
- Or some kale?
Just throw the keys to me.
Nice throw.
Get back here!
- What happened?
- It was a hooligan. He went that way!
Make sure you get
that tire changed, sir.
Shit.
Fuck. He's going to tell them everything.
I've got to get out of here.
Ah, Lanzarote!
It's a shithole.
But I can recommend
a terrific brothel there.
Although, for £74,
I think you'll be lucky to find a guy
that will let you suck him off.
Mr. West, I don't think
I can do the interview today.
I'm... I'm not really up to it,
I don't think,
and I think I might even puke.
So, I think I'm just going to head home.
No, you're not. Come with.
Oh, Lord. Um...
Uh...
Oh, blast.
The batteries on these last
as long as a Middle-Eastern ceasefire.
OK...
Oh, why don't you just bog off?!
Whoa, whoa, what's happening?!
Come on, have a look.
I'm not... I'm not comfortable with this.
Open your eyes, shithead. Have a look.
See?
One ball.
You had testicular cancer?
Nobody knows.
I went through the whole thing by myself.
I didn't cry like a little pussy,
and I ran this fucking company
at the same time.
Can you put it away now, please?
No, you keep looking at it because this...
is why you're going to man up
and get out there and do that interview.
You pathetic little shit-clot.
Now, you dry up those eyes.
We're doing the interview. Ten minutes.
Oh, shit. Too high.
Is everything OK?
Yeah, yeah. No, no, I'm good, um...
Just trying to get some...
you know, fresh air.
OK. Well, um... your doctor's on line one.
Thanks. Thanks, Michael. Yeah.
- Oh, could you just... Um, yeah.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Uh, yeah, if you wouldn't mind?
You know, it could be of a, you know...
Yes.
- What's going on?
- Uh, it's done. I dumped the body.
I thought you'd been arrested!
There was a cop asking
to look in your boot.
Oh, yes. Yes. He was helping me
change my rear wheel.
Um, it's sorted.
The plan went to, uh, plan.
Oh, thank God.
You were supposed
to call me on Ash's phone.
For the alibi.
Yes. Yes, uh...
That one ran out of battery too.
These... These things last about
as long as a Middle-Eastern ceasefire.
Don't they, Daniel?
Daniel?
Daniel? Uh, are you there?
Daniel?
Daniel...
OK.
I'll play ball.
Was that a joke?
Oh! No! No, no, no.
Pity.
It's a good one.
So, Mr. West, it seems
there's a bit more to this story
than we initially thought.
Of course, um,
Daniel had just received the worst news
that a person can possibly receive.
He had been diagnosed
with life-threatening cancer.
And we hope that those
that are sharing the clip...
and it is a great clip...
will think about the story
behind the story
as they view it.
And, Daniel, how has this affected you?
We Cover have been so supportive.
Oh, of course.
Uh, my girlfriend, Becca,
you know, she's stood by my side.
And, um... my best friend, Ash,
he, um... I haven't seen him
in a couple of days, um...
but we're planning on meeting up soon.
As it seems like ages
since we last saw each other,
even though it's only been
a couple of days.
Two hours I waited.
I was so hungry
I tried to juice a fucking banana.
And somehow,
you still managed to come home
with the wrong fucking stuff.
I... I know, I know. I'm sorry.
I mean, how is almond milk
the same as coconut water?
- Both nuts.
- I beg your pardon?
I said, "They are both derived from nuts."
Please don't.
Annette, please.
Hi, Daniel, it's Vanessaaa.
I've got bad news about Aaash.
He's died after falling
from your bedroom window
after fucking your girlfriend.
Yeah, can you...
can you please be serious?
You know, I need to work out how
I'm going to react when she calls.
You know, what do I do? Do I cry?
Go all quiet? What?
Well, how do you feel about it?
Uh, I don't know.
He was fucking Becca.
But, you know, he was also my best friend.
Well, just be your usual bullshitty self.
- Oh, God.
- What?
- Shit, it's Vanessa.
- Oh! Do not quit. I wanna hear this!
Uh, I can't do it. I can't.
I can't speak to her.
Dude, you have to. You gotta
pretend everything's normal, yeah?
I'll call her back. I... I need a minute.
Pussy.
Oh, fuck! She's calling again!
Shall I get that for you
so you can carry on?
- Thanks, yeah.
- Oh, God. You lucky fucker.
Hi, Vanessa. Sorry, Daniel's just...
Oh, my God.
What's... What's up?
It's Ash. He's...
He's been in an accident. He's...
- He's in hospital.
- He's dead?
No, he's not dead, he's in the hospital.
He was hit by a car.
- He's... not... dead?
- No!
He's in surgery!
- Oh, my God...
- Ash is alive?
Dude, what the fuck?!
Subtitles by explosiveskull