Shrill (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Shrill - full transcript
- All right, if I could have
everyone's attention.
I know that
we all have deadlines,
but this is very important.
There's been an inappropriate
sexual incident in the office,
and we need to make sure
everyone is crystal clear
on those rules.
- So somebody had sex
in the office?
- Yeah.
- Was it you, Cody?
Of course it was.
- No. No, it wasn't.
- Look, I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna say it, okay?
If you can
find someone in this office
that loves you so much that you
can have beautiful sex with,
that there can be ass eating
and stuff like that,
it's not shameful.
It's honestly beautiful, okay?
It's tight.
I think it's actually good
if you find somebody that--
- It's spiritual.
- All right, you two,
I'm actually serious.
We need to get through this.
So let's go ahead
and get started.
- Sex. None of us
would be here without it,
but we're all afraid of it
and we don't know how to do it.
- O-- okay.
Hey, Maureen.
- Is it--
- No--
- Is a orgasm--
- Hey, hey--
- Is a orgasm real?
- It is, and this is not part
- of what we're covering.
Is it-- is--
Raise your hand
if you have had sex.
That's good.
"Sammy and Sally are coworkers
at a local restaurant.
"They begin dating.
"One day, Sally touches Sammy
on the buttocks
"near the deep-fat fryer.
"A coworker, Susie, sees this
and feels uncomfortable.
Does Susie have
a legitimate complaint?"
- Literally, no one cares
about Sally or Sumi or whoever.
Okay, I'm just worried
that at some point,
Annie's gonna come up behind me
and try to have sex with me.
- No, it's--
- God.
That's inappropriate.
Let's just answer the question.
I'm not invested
in the Sally character.
You don't need
to follow her journey.
- It's just an example.
- Can-- can I go?
No, you can't go.
Okay, you know what?
I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
Yes, Annie and I did have sex
in the room
with the computer wires.
- Not the computer wires.
But that was
completely my idea.
She didn't even wanna do it.
I mean, I forced her
to do that.
Shit!
- Actually, my--
No, no, no.
Actually, I'm--
no one was forced.
Noth-- no force.
Actually, it was all
consensual human adult sex,
and-- and I know that everyone
is here because of us,
and I'm very sorry.
So no rape.
Great-- Hey, Gabe, Gabe,
- Gabe--
- What? What?
- You actually have to be here
for this, too.
It's mandatory.
- Yuck. Pass.
Amadi, can we
go back to work?
My mama's been on hold
this whole time.
- Really? No-- no, you can't.
We have to finish
the entire binder.
- I gotta get out of here.
- Okay,
you know what
we're gonna do?
I'm gonna
leave this binder here
and I want each and every one
of you to read it, okay?
- Okay.
- Does this mean that we
can't have sex
- in the van anymore?
- No. Yeah, that's fine.
- I'll see you at lunch.
- Yeah.
Schwing.
- Annie, wait up.
Hey. Can we just talk?
- That was so humiliating.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
I-- I got you a present
to say that I'm sorry.
Remember you once said
I should have another pillow
on my bed
for when you sleep over?
- You know,
after a meeting like that,
for me to be walking around
the office with a pillow--
Like, it's a bad look.
- Right. Sorry about that.
Do you...
wanna, like, talk at your place
later or something?
- Okay, can I just have,
like, one day to be mad?
And then tomorrow, you and I
can talk through
the whole thing, okay?
- Sure.
- Okay.
- Well...
I love you.
- Yeah, I-- I love you, too.
Okay.
- If it gets too loud,
or goes too long,
I will call the cops.
- And somehow, you didn't mind
when Jeremy had
his extremely obnoxious luau,
or when the Jensens
had their folk jam sesh.
And what is it
that they have in common?
You know? Oof, is it, um--
Is it their whiteness
or is it their Subarus?
- I--
- Are you calling me a racist?
- My God.
Are you racist?
That's horrible.
- The Fran Fest,
off to a great start.
- Yes, and now we can celebrate
that I am a single
and truly free woman.
So is this whole party
just a celebration
of you being single?
- And that I don't need
anyone else to make me happy
because I'm the most amazing
person that I know.
No offense.
- None taken.
- Bye.
- Are you helping?
- No.
- No? Okay.
- No.
- There you are.
I-- I am so sorry
that I caused this entire
fucking nightmare.
- No, no, Annie, stop.
Really, that's just
those meetings, you know?
- It's part of the job.
- No.
- And to be honest with you,
don't say anything to anybody,
but I kinda love
being the boss.
- Wait, really?
- Yeah.
And then I can, like, shape
the paper from the inside.
It's got me excited
about the job again.
But I don't know.
Is that-- it's lame, though,
in a way, right?
- No, that's not lame.
That's the opposite of lame.
That's, like, fulfillment.
That's-- that's great.
That's--
I'm really happy for you.
- Hey, you okay?
No, not really. I--
I mean, this stuff with Ryan
is such a fucking shit show.
And I feel like I lost
any and all respect
that I just got back here.
And I feel like
he doesn't even get
how truly bad it is.
- Yeah, he's dumb.
But he's also got
a great heart.
I used to be a fuck up.
It was bad.
I'm lucky that Cindy decided
to stick it out with me.
- Yeah, but then
what do you think, like,
made you change?
- Well,
when Cindy got pregnant.
- Okay, that's a damn.
- Well, different paths.
- I should've known
I'd find Annie in an alley.
- Hey, if you're giving
hand jobs out here,
just be really careful,
because there's
a lot of cop traffic back here.
- Well, that's a hot tip.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Also,
that publisher lady Sheila
wants to meet you
for lunch in 30 minutes, so--
Nice tits.
- Ruthie.
- What?
- Didn't we just cover this
in HR?
We just covered that.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Sorry. But that's cool.
- Lunch with Sheila.
That's insane.
- That's awesome.
- I gotta go to this.
Excuse me.
Can I go to this,
Mr. Big Boss?
- Let me consult
my ancestors.
- My God.
Yeah.
- Congrats. Have fun.
- I'm so glad
you could make it.
You know,
the building over there,
it's the "50 Shades" hotel.
- The one where he fucked her
in the ass.
- No, I didn't know that.
And-- and thank you
for the visual.
- Annie,
let's get right to it.
- Sure.
- I need to pick your brain.
'Cause you're on the inside
and I need to make a decision
about Gabe and Amadi.
- Well, I mean,
Amadi's literally the best.
- That's what I thought.
But I can't tell
if he's up for
the management stuff
long-term.
- I think he is.
I-- I mean,
between you and me,
I actually think
he really loves it.
- Really?
- But you should definitely
talk to him about this,
'cause I think he was
saying it to me
as more of, like, a friend,
you know?
- Right. Got it.
- Sorry, what about Gabe?
- Um, Gabe is busy
doing a musical number
and pretending
he's David Bowie
and starting fights
with the best writers he's got,
so--
He's the best,
but at what cost?
- Sure, sure, yeah,
I could see that.
Hey.
Is this, um,
no boys allowed?
Gabe!
- Couple of career women
having a power munch.
Mind if I crash?
- Actually, I thought it'd be
a nice gesture
to take your protégé
out for lunch.
- I love that.
Yeah, Ruthie told me
you were here.
I thought I'd come over
and let you know
that I took a look
at your piece,
and it is fucking amazing.
- Wow.
Thank you, Gabe.
- Yeah.
- You don't need
to thank him, Annie,
you did it.
- Well, yeah,
that's true,
but he did assign the piece,
and, um, he also really
helped me develop it. I--
I-- I'm so, so sorry.
I-- I think I have to
take this call.
- Yeah.
- Just excuse me
for one minute.
- Sure.
- Mom?
Okay. My God. Um--
Yeah, I'll-- I'll be there
I'll be there
as soon as I can.
Okay. I love you, too.
Um, I'm so, so sorry.
I-- I--
I have to go right now,
but thank you so much, and--
Yeah, my parents just need me.
- Yeah.
- So, I'm so sorry. Sorry.
- Yeah.
- Just let us know
if everything's okay, Annie.
- Goodness.
Well, you're here.
Have a seat.
Well, I have to say, talking
to Annie was enlightening.
She gave me
a lot to think about.
Annie did.
You wanna hear
something funny?
You know
the building over there?
It's the "50 Shades" hotel.
The one where he fucked her
right in the ass.
- Excuse me, could you tell me
how to get to suite 728B?
- Sure. You might
wanna write this down.
- Thanks.
- Okay. That's in
the Fratelli Wing,
so you're gonna wanna
take the north elevators
to the mezzanine.
Thank you.
And then make a right
at the vending machines.
Um, two rights and a left.
And you'll dead end
in diagnostic imaging.
- Hi, I'm sorry,
is this the Fratelli Wing?
- Hey--
- Dad!
All right, it's okay.
Calm down.
- Honey, I'm sorry I scared you
with that phone call.
It's all right. It is.
- It was more than all right.
These hospital ribs
are the best I've ever had.
They gotta be
from the cadavers, right?
- They're not
from the cadavers.
- No.
- You friggin' idiot.
- Okay, what is happening?
- Well, it's kind of
embarrassing, actually.
I--
I hadn't gone to the bathroom
in about ten days
'cause of my pain meds
and today I tried
to give it my all.
And I fainted on the toilet
and I hit my head
on the counter, going down.
- I thought he had a seizure.
- Dad!
- They're taking me in
for tests in a few minutes
just to make sure.
- Wait, but make sure what?
- That it isn't anything more.
- It's fine. It's fine.
- Okay.
- We're havin' fun, right?
I got my buddy Ron here.
- What else could I want?
- You remember
my first wife, right?
Yeah, I met her in a hospital.
And I remember
I was on this gurney,
and I was so out of my mind
on the drugs and everything,
and I looked at her,
and I thought she was a witch,
but, like,
the good-looking kind.
My God.
Wait.
- Kill me now.
- You know, my dad was born
in a hospital.
- Yeah, a lot of people are.
- Damn, she sent it
to voicemail.
Fuck.
You know,
it's kinda your fault.
I mean, you were telling
everybody around
that, like,
we had sex in the office.
- Hey! This-- this--
Man, that's not my fault.
It's the-- I can't--
I can't hold secrets in.
And I'll tell you
another thing, all right?
Dude, you are the one
that got Beau fired.
So you're-- you're
the fuckin' narc, dude.
- I just replaced him. God.
I'm sorry.
Fucking finally.
Hup, hup, hup, yep, yep, hup,
hup, stop!
Fuck, Kevin.
- I just wish Annie
would talk to me.
I'm always fuckin' shit up
that I care about,
and I love her,
like, so much.
- Hey, Ryan.
That's a truly
gorgeous statement.
- Thanks.
I mean it. I'm just tired
of being a fuckup.
I wanna get my shit together.
- Wow.
- What?
- I'm just so glad
you called me,
'cause I hate when you guys
don't tell me stuff.
- I know. You're right.
I need to be here for Dad,
but...
I needed you.
Annie, I have to
tell you something.
When I went to Vancouver,
I wasn't trying
to get away from Dad
or from you.
- Okay.
- You know, I lived in
Vancouver for about a year
when I was about your age,
actually.
And, um,
I worked in
this Indian restaurant,
and I was a waitress,
and I think I was dating
many of the waiters there
at the time.
- Okay.
- Um, in fact,
one I was engaged to.
- What?
- Yeah.
- I didn't know
you were engaged.
- For about three weeks.
- What was his name?
- Bud.
- Bud?
- Bud.
Anyway, Bud and I broke it off,
and then...
I got into nursing school
here in Portland.
And then I met your dad and
before I knew it, I had you.
And then, my God,
I'm fucking old.
I don't think you're old.
- You know,
when you get married,
or have a baby,
you commit yourself to caring
for someone more than yourself.
And I guess, in that moment,
I just...
wanted to care about myself
for a minute.
- Yeah, I get that.
I just-- I don't understand
why you couldn't just
tell me that.
I think it's because
I was embarrassed.
I started driving,
I drove to Vancouver,
I went to the restaurant.
It's not even
a restaurant anymore.
Anyway, I should've told you.
I really should've told you,
and I didn't,
and I regret that.
- Well,
I-- I also have something
to tell you.
Um--
I, I had an abortion.
- Honey.
- But it's good, actually.
Like, it was the right thing,
you know?
And I-- I really--
I feel good about it.
- I'm so proud of you.
My God.
You know, you could've
talked to me about it.
I really would've understood.
- No, I do know that.
I think I just...
needed to do it myself.
- But I know that.
- Aw, honey.
Honey..
- Well, looks like
your dad's back in the room.
I'm gonna spend the night
with him
in the hospital tonight.
- Okay, um, well,
I'll stay here tonight, too,
because I wanna be here
when he gets his results.
- No.
I don't think you should.
I mean, I'll text you
if there's something wrong.
But there's really nothing
you can do, and--
You should just go home.
- Really?
- Yeah, really, really.
- I'll text you.
- Okay.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
- God.
This place is a maze.
Finally!
She puts on her party dress
and joins the party.
The maid of honor
is here,
let's get this thing going.
- I have to say, I was
imagining a much bigger party.
- Nope, just my nearest
and dearest
and $75 worth of fireworks.
- Whoo!
- Fireworks?
- I put alcohol
in the ice cream.
- Yay!
- I put weed in the weed!
Whoo!
Let's find some seats.
- Wow.
- Shh.
- Ding, ding, ding.
- Here we go!
- Guys, I've gathered you here,
best friends
and most importantly,
no one I've ever fucked.
What about that time
- you masturbated next to me?
- That doesn't count.
That counts!
- It doesn't count.
- That counts.
Okay. This is Fran Fest,
it doesn't count.
Um, anyway--
I have been
going through some shit,
and I've been thinking
a lot about my life
and why dating is such trash.
- The British term
is bin rubbish.
- Who invited you, actually?
Who do you know here?
- And I realized that I am
a very special creature.
But I'm not alone
because I have all of you.
Aww!
- And I'm super
fucking grateful,
so onto more pressing matters.
Um, please don't do any solids
in the upstairs toilet.
Not naming any names. Emily.
- You gotta--
you have to wrap--
- Excuse me?
- You have to wrap it up.
- I want ten minutes more.
- No, no.
- So guys,
let's get fuckin' wasted
and blow up
some fuckin' fireworks.
Okay, okay,
I'm a Sagittarius,
are we compatible?
Yes, very, actually.
- Yeah, great.
- Okay, are we compatible?
- I'm a Taurus.
- No.
- No?
- No, we're actually
- mortal enemies.
- What?
- No!
- But I love you
and sometimes
the stars are wrong.
- They're wrong.
- Okay,
- I'm gonna get more wine.
- Wait.
- Um, Annie.
- What?
Okay. Okay.
- Hey, Annie.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
- I brought you this.
It's tomorrow's paper.
- Holy shit.
Pretty cool, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, my God.
I can't believe I'm, like,
the whole cover.
I could cry right now.
Thank you. Um--
It's just, you know, I did
ask you for space tonight.
- Yeah, I know.
I just don't think
I could even sleep.
Like, if we don't
work this out, so--
- Maybe we can just talk.
- No.
No, you know,
I'm, like, trying
to have a night
with my friends.
Can we just talk about it
tomorrow?
- Annie. Please.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Let's go.
Okay. Well, that's a mess.
- Yeah, totally.
- Now to get more wine.
- Can I--
Sorry, I-- I don't think
that there's gonna be, like,
a great time to do this.
Um, I know you're doing
the whole single thing,
and I think that's great. Um--
But I-- I do--
- I--
- You what? Just say it.
- Be quiet, you idiot.
I--
I'm trying to tell you
I like you.
Um, yeah.
I-- I like you a lot.
- Why are you saying this now?
- When was I supposed
to say it?
When you were going
through your breakup with Vic?
When you were being celibate?
When you were
constantly talking about
how single you were?
I know my timing sucks,
but I am doing this now.
So now you know.
- Now I know.
- Did I fuck it up?
I fucked it up.
- I fucked it up!
- I feel horrible
I mean, I loved fucking you
in the office,
but I get that I fucked
everything up.
- Yeah, but it's not that
we fucked in the office.
It's that you told someone.
And then they told everyone.
And now I'm a fucking joke.
- Yeah, but I didn't know
that I couldn't tell anyone.
But I feel like
I've been trying really hard
and I've been getting better.
- No, you-- you have.
You really have been better.
Um-- it's just-- um--
I shouldn't have to tell you...
that our sex life is private,
you know?
- I mean, it's the same
with all the stuff.
It's like, you just tell me
what to do,
and I will do it, Annie.
I'll do, like,
whatever you want.
- Yeah, but I don't wanna
have to tell you what to do.
Like, I don't wanna
be your mom
because I cannot
fuck my son.
I want an adult.
Like, I want a real partner.
- Fuck.
Okay. Come on.
- Should we stop?
Am I ruining Fran Fest?
Shut up.
- We need to talk
about this, Annie.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
- So can we work through this?
Can we just talk through this
like we did the back fence?
- The back fence?
Our very solid foundation
for our relationship?
Where you made me climb
over a back fence
'cause you were embarrassed
of me?
- Well, you were
embarrassed of me
at Gabe's party.
And you wouldn't even
talk to me at work.
- Well, then, if we make
each other feel that bad,
then we really
shouldn't be together.
- Annie, don't say that.
- I'm sorry. I'll fix it.
- No, Ryan,
if I'm being honest,
like, I think I've been trying
to make this work with you
just because being with you
is like...
easier.
- What does that mean?
- Easier than fucking facing
putting myself out there
and having guys
not even consider dating me
because I'm fat.
- I love you.
I told you-- I--
I'm past that.
- Yeah, but I'm not, okay?
I'm not past it,
and I can never get past it,
not with you.
- What is happening right now?
Are you breaking up with me?
- Actually, yes, I am.
- So this is it?
- We're over?
- Yes.
- Jesus, Annie.
Well, what are you
gonna do now?
You're gonna go date
other guys?
- Yeah. That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
everyone's attention.
I know that
we all have deadlines,
but this is very important.
There's been an inappropriate
sexual incident in the office,
and we need to make sure
everyone is crystal clear
on those rules.
- So somebody had sex
in the office?
- Yeah.
- Was it you, Cody?
Of course it was.
- No. No, it wasn't.
- Look, I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna say it, okay?
If you can
find someone in this office
that loves you so much that you
can have beautiful sex with,
that there can be ass eating
and stuff like that,
it's not shameful.
It's honestly beautiful, okay?
It's tight.
I think it's actually good
if you find somebody that--
- It's spiritual.
- All right, you two,
I'm actually serious.
We need to get through this.
So let's go ahead
and get started.
- Sex. None of us
would be here without it,
but we're all afraid of it
and we don't know how to do it.
- O-- okay.
Hey, Maureen.
- Is it--
- No--
- Is a orgasm--
- Hey, hey--
- Is a orgasm real?
- It is, and this is not part
- of what we're covering.
Is it-- is--
Raise your hand
if you have had sex.
That's good.
"Sammy and Sally are coworkers
at a local restaurant.
"They begin dating.
"One day, Sally touches Sammy
on the buttocks
"near the deep-fat fryer.
"A coworker, Susie, sees this
and feels uncomfortable.
Does Susie have
a legitimate complaint?"
- Literally, no one cares
about Sally or Sumi or whoever.
Okay, I'm just worried
that at some point,
Annie's gonna come up behind me
and try to have sex with me.
- No, it's--
- God.
That's inappropriate.
Let's just answer the question.
I'm not invested
in the Sally character.
You don't need
to follow her journey.
- It's just an example.
- Can-- can I go?
No, you can't go.
Okay, you know what?
I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
Yes, Annie and I did have sex
in the room
with the computer wires.
- Not the computer wires.
But that was
completely my idea.
She didn't even wanna do it.
I mean, I forced her
to do that.
Shit!
- Actually, my--
No, no, no.
Actually, I'm--
no one was forced.
Noth-- no force.
Actually, it was all
consensual human adult sex,
and-- and I know that everyone
is here because of us,
and I'm very sorry.
So no rape.
Great-- Hey, Gabe, Gabe,
- Gabe--
- What? What?
- You actually have to be here
for this, too.
It's mandatory.
- Yuck. Pass.
Amadi, can we
go back to work?
My mama's been on hold
this whole time.
- Really? No-- no, you can't.
We have to finish
the entire binder.
- I gotta get out of here.
- Okay,
you know what
we're gonna do?
I'm gonna
leave this binder here
and I want each and every one
of you to read it, okay?
- Okay.
- Does this mean that we
can't have sex
- in the van anymore?
- No. Yeah, that's fine.
- I'll see you at lunch.
- Yeah.
Schwing.
- Annie, wait up.
Hey. Can we just talk?
- That was so humiliating.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
I-- I got you a present
to say that I'm sorry.
Remember you once said
I should have another pillow
on my bed
for when you sleep over?
- You know,
after a meeting like that,
for me to be walking around
the office with a pillow--
Like, it's a bad look.
- Right. Sorry about that.
Do you...
wanna, like, talk at your place
later or something?
- Okay, can I just have,
like, one day to be mad?
And then tomorrow, you and I
can talk through
the whole thing, okay?
- Sure.
- Okay.
- Well...
I love you.
- Yeah, I-- I love you, too.
Okay.
- If it gets too loud,
or goes too long,
I will call the cops.
- And somehow, you didn't mind
when Jeremy had
his extremely obnoxious luau,
or when the Jensens
had their folk jam sesh.
And what is it
that they have in common?
You know? Oof, is it, um--
Is it their whiteness
or is it their Subarus?
- I--
- Are you calling me a racist?
- My God.
Are you racist?
That's horrible.
- The Fran Fest,
off to a great start.
- Yes, and now we can celebrate
that I am a single
and truly free woman.
So is this whole party
just a celebration
of you being single?
- And that I don't need
anyone else to make me happy
because I'm the most amazing
person that I know.
No offense.
- None taken.
- Bye.
- Are you helping?
- No.
- No? Okay.
- No.
- There you are.
I-- I am so sorry
that I caused this entire
fucking nightmare.
- No, no, Annie, stop.
Really, that's just
those meetings, you know?
- It's part of the job.
- No.
- And to be honest with you,
don't say anything to anybody,
but I kinda love
being the boss.
- Wait, really?
- Yeah.
And then I can, like, shape
the paper from the inside.
It's got me excited
about the job again.
But I don't know.
Is that-- it's lame, though,
in a way, right?
- No, that's not lame.
That's the opposite of lame.
That's, like, fulfillment.
That's-- that's great.
That's--
I'm really happy for you.
- Hey, you okay?
No, not really. I--
I mean, this stuff with Ryan
is such a fucking shit show.
And I feel like I lost
any and all respect
that I just got back here.
And I feel like
he doesn't even get
how truly bad it is.
- Yeah, he's dumb.
But he's also got
a great heart.
I used to be a fuck up.
It was bad.
I'm lucky that Cindy decided
to stick it out with me.
- Yeah, but then
what do you think, like,
made you change?
- Well,
when Cindy got pregnant.
- Okay, that's a damn.
- Well, different paths.
- I should've known
I'd find Annie in an alley.
- Hey, if you're giving
hand jobs out here,
just be really careful,
because there's
a lot of cop traffic back here.
- Well, that's a hot tip.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Also,
that publisher lady Sheila
wants to meet you
for lunch in 30 minutes, so--
Nice tits.
- Ruthie.
- What?
- Didn't we just cover this
in HR?
We just covered that.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Sorry. But that's cool.
- Lunch with Sheila.
That's insane.
- That's awesome.
- I gotta go to this.
Excuse me.
Can I go to this,
Mr. Big Boss?
- Let me consult
my ancestors.
- My God.
Yeah.
- Congrats. Have fun.
- I'm so glad
you could make it.
You know,
the building over there,
it's the "50 Shades" hotel.
- The one where he fucked her
in the ass.
- No, I didn't know that.
And-- and thank you
for the visual.
- Annie,
let's get right to it.
- Sure.
- I need to pick your brain.
'Cause you're on the inside
and I need to make a decision
about Gabe and Amadi.
- Well, I mean,
Amadi's literally the best.
- That's what I thought.
But I can't tell
if he's up for
the management stuff
long-term.
- I think he is.
I-- I mean,
between you and me,
I actually think
he really loves it.
- Really?
- But you should definitely
talk to him about this,
'cause I think he was
saying it to me
as more of, like, a friend,
you know?
- Right. Got it.
- Sorry, what about Gabe?
- Um, Gabe is busy
doing a musical number
and pretending
he's David Bowie
and starting fights
with the best writers he's got,
so--
He's the best,
but at what cost?
- Sure, sure, yeah,
I could see that.
Hey.
Is this, um,
no boys allowed?
Gabe!
- Couple of career women
having a power munch.
Mind if I crash?
- Actually, I thought it'd be
a nice gesture
to take your protégé
out for lunch.
- I love that.
Yeah, Ruthie told me
you were here.
I thought I'd come over
and let you know
that I took a look
at your piece,
and it is fucking amazing.
- Wow.
Thank you, Gabe.
- Yeah.
- You don't need
to thank him, Annie,
you did it.
- Well, yeah,
that's true,
but he did assign the piece,
and, um, he also really
helped me develop it. I--
I-- I'm so, so sorry.
I-- I think I have to
take this call.
- Yeah.
- Just excuse me
for one minute.
- Sure.
- Mom?
Okay. My God. Um--
Yeah, I'll-- I'll be there
I'll be there
as soon as I can.
Okay. I love you, too.
Um, I'm so, so sorry.
I-- I--
I have to go right now,
but thank you so much, and--
Yeah, my parents just need me.
- Yeah.
- So, I'm so sorry. Sorry.
- Yeah.
- Just let us know
if everything's okay, Annie.
- Goodness.
Well, you're here.
Have a seat.
Well, I have to say, talking
to Annie was enlightening.
She gave me
a lot to think about.
Annie did.
You wanna hear
something funny?
You know
the building over there?
It's the "50 Shades" hotel.
The one where he fucked her
right in the ass.
- Excuse me, could you tell me
how to get to suite 728B?
- Sure. You might
wanna write this down.
- Thanks.
- Okay. That's in
the Fratelli Wing,
so you're gonna wanna
take the north elevators
to the mezzanine.
Thank you.
And then make a right
at the vending machines.
Um, two rights and a left.
And you'll dead end
in diagnostic imaging.
- Hi, I'm sorry,
is this the Fratelli Wing?
- Hey--
- Dad!
All right, it's okay.
Calm down.
- Honey, I'm sorry I scared you
with that phone call.
It's all right. It is.
- It was more than all right.
These hospital ribs
are the best I've ever had.
They gotta be
from the cadavers, right?
- They're not
from the cadavers.
- No.
- You friggin' idiot.
- Okay, what is happening?
- Well, it's kind of
embarrassing, actually.
I--
I hadn't gone to the bathroom
in about ten days
'cause of my pain meds
and today I tried
to give it my all.
And I fainted on the toilet
and I hit my head
on the counter, going down.
- I thought he had a seizure.
- Dad!
- They're taking me in
for tests in a few minutes
just to make sure.
- Wait, but make sure what?
- That it isn't anything more.
- It's fine. It's fine.
- Okay.
- We're havin' fun, right?
I got my buddy Ron here.
- What else could I want?
- You remember
my first wife, right?
Yeah, I met her in a hospital.
And I remember
I was on this gurney,
and I was so out of my mind
on the drugs and everything,
and I looked at her,
and I thought she was a witch,
but, like,
the good-looking kind.
My God.
Wait.
- Kill me now.
- You know, my dad was born
in a hospital.
- Yeah, a lot of people are.
- Damn, she sent it
to voicemail.
Fuck.
You know,
it's kinda your fault.
I mean, you were telling
everybody around
that, like,
we had sex in the office.
- Hey! This-- this--
Man, that's not my fault.
It's the-- I can't--
I can't hold secrets in.
And I'll tell you
another thing, all right?
Dude, you are the one
that got Beau fired.
So you're-- you're
the fuckin' narc, dude.
- I just replaced him. God.
I'm sorry.
Fucking finally.
Hup, hup, hup, yep, yep, hup,
hup, stop!
Fuck, Kevin.
- I just wish Annie
would talk to me.
I'm always fuckin' shit up
that I care about,
and I love her,
like, so much.
- Hey, Ryan.
That's a truly
gorgeous statement.
- Thanks.
I mean it. I'm just tired
of being a fuckup.
I wanna get my shit together.
- Wow.
- What?
- I'm just so glad
you called me,
'cause I hate when you guys
don't tell me stuff.
- I know. You're right.
I need to be here for Dad,
but...
I needed you.
Annie, I have to
tell you something.
When I went to Vancouver,
I wasn't trying
to get away from Dad
or from you.
- Okay.
- You know, I lived in
Vancouver for about a year
when I was about your age,
actually.
And, um,
I worked in
this Indian restaurant,
and I was a waitress,
and I think I was dating
many of the waiters there
at the time.
- Okay.
- Um, in fact,
one I was engaged to.
- What?
- Yeah.
- I didn't know
you were engaged.
- For about three weeks.
- What was his name?
- Bud.
- Bud?
- Bud.
Anyway, Bud and I broke it off,
and then...
I got into nursing school
here in Portland.
And then I met your dad and
before I knew it, I had you.
And then, my God,
I'm fucking old.
I don't think you're old.
- You know,
when you get married,
or have a baby,
you commit yourself to caring
for someone more than yourself.
And I guess, in that moment,
I just...
wanted to care about myself
for a minute.
- Yeah, I get that.
I just-- I don't understand
why you couldn't just
tell me that.
I think it's because
I was embarrassed.
I started driving,
I drove to Vancouver,
I went to the restaurant.
It's not even
a restaurant anymore.
Anyway, I should've told you.
I really should've told you,
and I didn't,
and I regret that.
- Well,
I-- I also have something
to tell you.
Um--
I, I had an abortion.
- Honey.
- But it's good, actually.
Like, it was the right thing,
you know?
And I-- I really--
I feel good about it.
- I'm so proud of you.
My God.
You know, you could've
talked to me about it.
I really would've understood.
- No, I do know that.
I think I just...
needed to do it myself.
- But I know that.
- Aw, honey.
Honey..
- Well, looks like
your dad's back in the room.
I'm gonna spend the night
with him
in the hospital tonight.
- Okay, um, well,
I'll stay here tonight, too,
because I wanna be here
when he gets his results.
- No.
I don't think you should.
I mean, I'll text you
if there's something wrong.
But there's really nothing
you can do, and--
You should just go home.
- Really?
- Yeah, really, really.
- I'll text you.
- Okay.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
- God.
This place is a maze.
Finally!
She puts on her party dress
and joins the party.
The maid of honor
is here,
let's get this thing going.
- I have to say, I was
imagining a much bigger party.
- Nope, just my nearest
and dearest
and $75 worth of fireworks.
- Whoo!
- Fireworks?
- I put alcohol
in the ice cream.
- Yay!
- I put weed in the weed!
Whoo!
Let's find some seats.
- Wow.
- Shh.
- Ding, ding, ding.
- Here we go!
- Guys, I've gathered you here,
best friends
and most importantly,
no one I've ever fucked.
What about that time
- you masturbated next to me?
- That doesn't count.
That counts!
- It doesn't count.
- That counts.
Okay. This is Fran Fest,
it doesn't count.
Um, anyway--
I have been
going through some shit,
and I've been thinking
a lot about my life
and why dating is such trash.
- The British term
is bin rubbish.
- Who invited you, actually?
Who do you know here?
- And I realized that I am
a very special creature.
But I'm not alone
because I have all of you.
Aww!
- And I'm super
fucking grateful,
so onto more pressing matters.
Um, please don't do any solids
in the upstairs toilet.
Not naming any names. Emily.
- You gotta--
you have to wrap--
- Excuse me?
- You have to wrap it up.
- I want ten minutes more.
- No, no.
- So guys,
let's get fuckin' wasted
and blow up
some fuckin' fireworks.
Okay, okay,
I'm a Sagittarius,
are we compatible?
Yes, very, actually.
- Yeah, great.
- Okay, are we compatible?
- I'm a Taurus.
- No.
- No?
- No, we're actually
- mortal enemies.
- What?
- No!
- But I love you
and sometimes
the stars are wrong.
- They're wrong.
- Okay,
- I'm gonna get more wine.
- Wait.
- Um, Annie.
- What?
Okay. Okay.
- Hey, Annie.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
- I brought you this.
It's tomorrow's paper.
- Holy shit.
Pretty cool, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, my God.
I can't believe I'm, like,
the whole cover.
I could cry right now.
Thank you. Um--
It's just, you know, I did
ask you for space tonight.
- Yeah, I know.
I just don't think
I could even sleep.
Like, if we don't
work this out, so--
- Maybe we can just talk.
- No.
No, you know,
I'm, like, trying
to have a night
with my friends.
Can we just talk about it
tomorrow?
- Annie. Please.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Let's go.
Okay. Well, that's a mess.
- Yeah, totally.
- Now to get more wine.
- Can I--
Sorry, I-- I don't think
that there's gonna be, like,
a great time to do this.
Um, I know you're doing
the whole single thing,
and I think that's great. Um--
But I-- I do--
- I--
- You what? Just say it.
- Be quiet, you idiot.
I--
I'm trying to tell you
I like you.
Um, yeah.
I-- I like you a lot.
- Why are you saying this now?
- When was I supposed
to say it?
When you were going
through your breakup with Vic?
When you were being celibate?
When you were
constantly talking about
how single you were?
I know my timing sucks,
but I am doing this now.
So now you know.
- Now I know.
- Did I fuck it up?
I fucked it up.
- I fucked it up!
- I feel horrible
I mean, I loved fucking you
in the office,
but I get that I fucked
everything up.
- Yeah, but it's not that
we fucked in the office.
It's that you told someone.
And then they told everyone.
And now I'm a fucking joke.
- Yeah, but I didn't know
that I couldn't tell anyone.
But I feel like
I've been trying really hard
and I've been getting better.
- No, you-- you have.
You really have been better.
Um-- it's just-- um--
I shouldn't have to tell you...
that our sex life is private,
you know?
- I mean, it's the same
with all the stuff.
It's like, you just tell me
what to do,
and I will do it, Annie.
I'll do, like,
whatever you want.
- Yeah, but I don't wanna
have to tell you what to do.
Like, I don't wanna
be your mom
because I cannot
fuck my son.
I want an adult.
Like, I want a real partner.
- Fuck.
Okay. Come on.
- Should we stop?
Am I ruining Fran Fest?
Shut up.
- We need to talk
about this, Annie.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
- So can we work through this?
Can we just talk through this
like we did the back fence?
- The back fence?
Our very solid foundation
for our relationship?
Where you made me climb
over a back fence
'cause you were embarrassed
of me?
- Well, you were
embarrassed of me
at Gabe's party.
And you wouldn't even
talk to me at work.
- Well, then, if we make
each other feel that bad,
then we really
shouldn't be together.
- Annie, don't say that.
- I'm sorry. I'll fix it.
- No, Ryan,
if I'm being honest,
like, I think I've been trying
to make this work with you
just because being with you
is like...
easier.
- What does that mean?
- Easier than fucking facing
putting myself out there
and having guys
not even consider dating me
because I'm fat.
- I love you.
I told you-- I--
I'm past that.
- Yeah, but I'm not, okay?
I'm not past it,
and I can never get past it,
not with you.
- What is happening right now?
Are you breaking up with me?
- Actually, yes, I am.
- So this is it?
- We're over?
- Yes.
- Jesus, Annie.
Well, what are you
gonna do now?
You're gonna go date
other guys?
- Yeah. That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.