Shrill (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
- Thank you so much
for driving me today.
I'm like so nervous,
I ca--
can't stop burping,
you know?
- Annie, it's okay.
I don't care.
Do you wanna just skip it?
- What?
- So you don't feel nervous
anymore.
I mean, we could go fuck
in the woods,
and it's a perfect plan.
- You know this is
fucking big for me.
This is WAHAM.
- Right.
But you keep saying that,
and I'm not sure
I know what it means.
What's that again?
- The WAHAM conference.
Women Are Having A Moment.
- It-- it's "female business
empowerment conference
to empower women in business."
And I finally don't have to
cover municipal zoning
or whatever, so
I mean this is a good thing.
- Yeah, I get that.
I just wish we could hang out
all day
like we used to
when we both didn't have jobs.
I miss you.
- Yeah, well I miss you, too,
but you know what could be
another hot option?
- Yeah?
- We could both have jobs.
- You're saying
I should get a job.
- Maybe.
- Um, no, you're right.
I'll see what I can figure out.
- Fuck, that was the turn!
- Wait, that was the turn?
- Yes!
- Shit, I'm sorry.
- At WAHAM, we empower women
to succeed in business.
Every single vendor
you see here today
has used the WAHAM
Steps to Success
to make their lady boss dreams
come true.
I was the youngest female CEO
of a Fortune 500 company.
Women are having a moment.
This is WAHAM.
Thank you
to our corporate sponsors.
- Press kit, goody bag.
Have a great WAHAM.
- Hi.
Hi, I'm Annie Easton
from "The Thorn."
Um, I'm a little bit late,
'cause my boyfriend
missed the exit,
but we don't need to get
into the whole ordeal of it,
and you don't care so.
- Here are your credentials,
and you missed your interview
slot with Justine,
but you can catch
her keynote at 3:00.
- I'm sorry, did you say
I missed the interview slot?
- Yeah,
it was a ten-minute slot.
- Um, is there any way
I could even just get,
like, one minute with Justine?
Because, really, there's no
article unless I talk to her,
so I don't have anything
to write about.
- There's nothing
that I can do.
I'm sorry.
- Hey.
I don't mind squeezing her in.
- It's you!
- Yes, yes, of course!
Um, do-- do we have time?
- Five minutes.
Or, like two minutes, we do.
- Okay, we'll take it.
We'll take what we have.
Okay, let's do it, come on!
- Cool.
- Okay, come on.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
So where are you from?
- I-I'm from here.
I'm from Portland.
- If we're gonna go, let's go.
Come on.
- You literally saved me
back there.
I honestly felt ill.
- My gosh, well, if a few
minutes of my time can help you,
we gotta do it.
- Plus, I love your blouse
so I was already on board.
- Well, thank you.
Yeah, um--
Yeah, I found
this designer online,
'cause it's always,
I don't know,
it's such a hunt to find
cool clothes for fat women.
- Wow, I love how you say
that word: "fat."
I don't know
that I would say...that.
- I mean, yeah,
I don't mind saying it.
I'm fat.
It's just true, you know?
I'm not afraid of it,
it's just a descriptor so.
- That is so powerful.
I-- I love that.
- Well, thank you.
- Last question.
- I actually haven't
asked any questions yet.
- Okay, so then
your first question
will be your last question.
- Okay, um, okay.
So I was surprised to see
that tickets to this event
start at $300, and...
I know that part of WAHAM's
mission statement
is lifting up every woman, but
can you really do that
if the price point
is so inaccessible?
- Um, so I've thought
about this quite a bit,
and we offer sponsorships
for low-income women,
so they can attend
free of charge.
- Got it.
- So we've kind of already
got that all figured out,
so I have to go, but, um,
thank you for coming.
- Okay.
- Can I get a little bag
of apricots?
- Yup, sure do.
- Thank you so much.
- Great.
- Thanks, Annie.
- Um, would there be
any way that I could possibly,
I don't know, meet with one of
the low-income women
who was sponsored?
- It's such a bummer,
actually.
She couldn't make it 'cause
she couldn't get off work.
But enjoy the day.
That badge gets you a water.
- Selfies!
- All right, beautiful ladies,
thank you so much, that's it.
We're gonna go.
Hey!
- Those are guns.
Attention attendees.
the panel
"How to Have it All and More"
starts in ten minutes.
- Hey, there.
- Hi.
Like what you see?
- Yeah, yeah, these are like,
little sculptures.
- Thank you.
I always felt
that there was something
about mass market sex toys
that was gross and embarrassing.
Then I created my own
dream vibrators
that are beautiful
and powerful.
- Yeah, yeah.
And they're $150?
- You're worth it.
Orgasms are self-care.
I mean, do you want to cum?
Or do you want to arrive?
Probably both.
Cheers.
Ding.
These conferences
are almost exclusively
how I connect
with the clientele.
It's helped us grow
in an exponential way.
And these women,
they're so supportive.
- Wow, and so,
what exactly is your business?
Makeup for your legs.
- Like to cover the gross skin
on your legs.
- And so is that a big problem
for most women?
- Yeah.
Maybe the biggest.
I mean, for years
I was suffering from, like,
disgusting leg skin.
- Yeah, and so then,
do people use this every day?
- Yeah, once it's part of your
routine, it's totally easy.
You just have to wait
30 minutes after application
to put your pants on.
- Wow, and so,
why would you put makeup on
and then put pants on?
'Cause no one will see it.
- Yeah, but you'll have
the confidence
of a woman whose disgusting
leg skin is covered up.
Honestly, it's so much fun.
I think you should try it.
- May I?
- Wow, sure.
That's good.
- Yeah, your legs are taking
the makeup beautifully.
I'm gonna do your feet too.
- Okay?
Spread those toes.
Fuck. Chub rub.
Hey, WAHAM!
Go tag the business queen
in your life
using the hashtag "biz queen"
to enter to win a free
collagen water.
- My God.
Studies show
that at any given moment
43% to 87% of women
are holding back tears.
- No.
Which is the bathroom?
Okay.
Fuck!
- Are you okay in there?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's just-- it's chub rub,
you know?
And I was in such a rush
this morning
I forgot to put on
my shorts.
- Chub rub,
that's the worst.
Let me see if I have anything.
- Okay!
I got a bunch of Band-Aids.
- I will take it.
Thank you.
That happened to me
once at Disneyland.
I started crying in the line
for Space Mountain.
My kids were so freaked out.
Mulan asked if I was okay!
- God.
Yeah, I feel like
with the leg makeup
and the burning thighs,
I may need to
get the hell outta here.
No.
Do you not like WAHAM?
- I mean,
it's really impressive,
and it's-- it's so big, um,
I just-- I'm not sure that
I, like, "get it," you know?
Connie's been to 11.
- Why?
- I mean it might sound silly,
but where I grew up, you know,
girl power and feminism
and that stuff
weren't such a big thing,
you know?
I just didn't know
much about it.
- Honestly, same for me.
- Plus,
I love to network and engage.
Okay, what does that mean?
- Networking and engaging is
just a lie we tell our husbands
so we can come hang out
with our friends.
Okay, well, that makes sense.
That makes sense.
Thanks for the Band-Aids.
- Of course.
- My God, did I tell you
about my son's therapist?
The one with
the big juicy ass?
I'm gonna tell you again.
- Ho, ho!
Hey, hey!
- What's up, baby!
- Hey, you guys!
- Dude, remember?
- The Casio!
Yes!
Ha, ha!
Come on, man, move it.
- Go fuck yourself.
Come on, go.
- All right, everybody has
to keep the economy moving.
Let's go.
- Go!
- Hey, take it easy!
We're having a meeting.
We're buddies.
- Sorry you have to go to work.
Ha ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!
- Yeah!
- Yeah, baby!
Where you going?
- What?
- Smoke cigarette at the mall!
- Yeah.
- That sounds cool!
- Yeah, Ryan, dude.
We will see you again!
- Yes, yes, you will.
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
Whoo!
Fuck yeah.
- Here's your free t-shirt.
Please put it on
before the keynote begins.
- Well,
this won't fit me.
It's a small.
- Sure it will.
- Do you maybe have, like,
a double XL, or--
- No, but we do have
a generous medium.
They are huge.
It's like a dress on me.
Well, thank you.
- What up, what up, WAHAM?
Hey!
Let's get everybody up!
Get up, yeah!
Everyone up out of your chair!
Okay, seriously,
everyone does have to get up.
All right, because
Justine's not gonna come out
until we're all up
with those t-shirts on.
All right, and we are
participating actively.
We're smiling.
Here we go.
Give it up for Justine Kylie!
- This is our moment!
This is WAHAM!
Please sit down.
With every book, every seminar,
every connection you make here,
we are turning the boardroom
into the broad room.
Now, I remember being the only
young woman at my company,
and I remember the moment they
hired another female executive,
and a man said to me,
"Looks like you finally got
some competition."
And compete with her I did...
Till I got her fired.
Now guess what?
That woman that I got fired
is here today.
Give it up for Rebecca!
- Fuck.
- You look so incredible.
How do you do it?
Well, I wake up at 4:00 a. m.,
I run five miles a day,
and I haven't touched bread
in 20 years.
Except on 9/11
'cause I really needed it.
Okay, who's next?
- Hi, Justine. I'm Connie.
- Connie girl,
good to see you again.
Thank you, um,
I quit business school
when I had my daughter,
and I love being
a stay at home mom,
but when my husband
got laid off,
I had to figure out a way
to provide,
you know,
not just for my daughter...
But for myself.
I...
I needed something more.
So...
I started a stationary company
out of my garage,
but most importantly,
coming to these events
have given me
some of my best friendships.
Women who've seen me
through all of it,
so, I just wanted to say
thank you and thank you.
- Sorry.
- No, no, thank you.
Let's give it up for Connie,
everybody.
All right, everybody!
Up, up, up!
Whoo!
Work it, like Sandra over there
who's here making hats
for breast cancer patients.
Yes, you go, hat goddess!
All right, dance that feeling
when you smash
the glass ceiling!
Whoo!
Yes, yes, yes.
Okay.
Everybody be your damn self
like Annie over here!
Who looks amazing
even though it's hard
to find clothes in her size.
Work it, fat bitch!
Whoo, yes!
Whoo!
- Are you sure you don't want
any of this stuff?
- Yeah, I stole it
for you guys.
- "Ashwagandha."
I think this cures cancer
or it makes your bush fall out,
or something.
- Shit,
I want that,
either for my grandmother
or my girlfriend.
- I mean, I hate all of this
stuff, but I also want it.
Is that wrong?
I mean there's literally
snake oil in here.
- My God.
Bonkers!
- This thing'll
break your clit off.
I think it's made
of real marble.
Yeah,
so you can feel like
you're fucking
the statue of David.
- Okay, thank you.
You don't need to make fun
of my research.
All right, I'm a journalist,
and Gabe wants this piece
to be good.
That's why I have to write up
this thing tonight,
'cause I have to go meet up
with my mom
for our big talk tomorrow.
- Are you still pissed at her?
- Yeah, I am.
But I'm just gonna try
and level with her
the way you did with your mom.
- What happened with your mom?
Did you get in a fight?
- No, we just got to
a breaking point
where we had to be very real
with each other,
but now we're good.
And she texts me, like,
200 times a day.
- Yeah, see, that's where
I'm trying to get with Vera.
You know what I mean?
Maybe I'll give her this
to soften the blow.
Or this?
- I think this is da winner.
I gotta knight your ass.
Ding, ding.
- You know, I put some of that
snake oil on my crow's feet,
and I think it's actually
making a difference.
- Yeah, totally.
Um, Mom, could we talk?
- Sure, you know
I love girl talk.
- Yeah.
Um, well, this isn't easy,
but I just feel like
I never really got any answers
as to, like,
why you went to Vancouver.
- Please,
there's nothing to tell.
Yeah, I know you said that,
but I-I feel like
obviously there is, right?
And, um, you know,
I feel like before you left
we were, like,
having some very real talks,
and it would be great if we
could, like, do that again.
- Well, I don't know, honey.
We talk all the time.
We're talking right now!
- I know, I know.
But Mom, I'm serious.
Like, I want us to try
and be able to be honest
with each other, you know?
- Is that Vera?
- Margot!
Annie you remember
our neighbor, Margot.
- Yeah, hi.
- Margot,
what happened to your neck?
- Well, you know
my adult son Jeffery,
the one that's a virgin.
Yeah.
Yeah, um, he used to babysit me.
That's right.
- Well, Jeffery rammed me
with his truck.
- He rammed you?
Well, it was an accident,
but he rammed me so hard
I about popped my head off.
- You know,
a poor guy like Jeff,
he never had a girlfriend,
he never had a dollar,
and he rammed
right into his mama.
Right into my rear end.
My trunk is completely trashed.
Well, what's so funny?
- Um--
Annie told me a very funny joke
right before you walked up.
- Yeah.
- Well, tell me Annie.
I could really use a laugh
right now.
- I don't-- I can't.
It's-- you gotta tell it, Mom.
You-- you got it.
- What's, the last thing
that you want to hear
after you've given
Willie Nelson a blowjob?
- What?
- "I'm not Willie Nelson."
- I guess
I just don't get it.
Maybe Jeffery will.
See you soon, Vera.
I think Jeffery will get it.
- My God,
where did that come from?
- Your Dad's friend Ron.
- No!
- Annie,
I don't laugh with anyone
like I laugh with you.
- My God.
- Okay--
so you're firing me
because I don't like Andy?
Nobody like Andy!
You suck, dude!
Look, man, I'm firing you
because you sliced his tires,
and then you called him
the "Anti-Christ."
- He is!
- Yeah, y-you think I don't
agree with you?
You think I like Andy?
- Come on, man.
I've got kids.
If you fire me, I'll have
to be with 'em all day.
- That sucks, man, but look,
he went to HR.
Okay?
My hands are tied.
T- there's nothing I can do.
- Hey, come on, man.
Are you all right?
- We were friends.
Does that not matter to you?
- It matters to me.
I'm so--
Keep your head up, dude.
You don't have to do that.
- Um, hey everyone.
I just wanted
to take a moment
to say that today
is a very special day.
It is officially,
Amadi's first firing, so--
Ruthie.
- Let's-- let's--
let's give it up.
Hey.
You got any advice
on how to fire somebody
without feeling like shit?
- That's tough,
'cause I really enjoy that.
Could you do me a favor?
Could you tell Annie that her
article is boring and soulless?
- No, that's creative.
That's your department.
- What? Fuck you.
I said it was a favor.
- All right, easy.
- God.
All right, send her in
when she gets here.
- Yeah. God damn.
- I mean, Annie,
clearly, what you wrote sucks.
It's terrible. It's boring.
- Well, you're the one who
told me not to editorialize.
- You wrote the word "She-E-O"
without irony or commentary.
Are you dead?
What do you really feel about
this Woman Moment thing?
- You, Annie.
- I don't know.
It was, um...
Inspiring, I guess?
And demented.
- "Demented, I guess?"
What've you been hanging out
in the Clackamas Town Center?
What's with this jargon?
- I-- it just-- it made me think
that there's a reason
that men don't need to be,
like,
constantly told
that they're powerful.
It's because they're in power.
- Okay, and with women?
- And women, I mean,
we're, like,
screaming in huge pink letters
that we're powerful
just to try and convince
ourselves, you know?
And-- and all the statistics
that they gave
about how bad
things are for women,
it's, like,
it's a thousand times worse
if you're a woman
who can't afford
to be slathered in $100 oils.
- Okay. So it's a con.
- Yes, but there were also
all these women there
who were genuinely really
getting something out of it.
But to me, it just felt like
it was about money.
- Okay. We're getting somewhere.
Monetizing feminism.
Right?
- Yes, exactly, and women
are made to feel so insecure
and then each insecurity
is like a new opportunity
to make more money.
- It's sad.
- Yes.
And all day, all they talked
about was self-care,
but it's not taking care
of yourself
to agree that you're ugly
and you need to be fixed.
- Okay.
Okay, so what is a moment
of true self-care
if you strip everything away
here?
What's an example?
- Well, I mean,
if I'm being honest, like,
the first thing that I think of
is my abortion, you know?
I mean, that was care.
I had to in the moment
evaluate what I wanted,
and take care of myself,
and then all the women that were
there that took care of me.
- Well, thanks for telling me.
I mean,
this is totally your call,
but you could, you know,
put that in the article.
- Yeah, I mean I'm-- I'm not
afraid to, it's just the truth.
- Well, then go do it.
- Okay. Great.
Yeah.
Thanks, Gabe, I actually feel
like we really, like,
worked it out together
in a nice way--
- Yeah,
let's not stretch this out.
- Yeah, totally.
- Really ruin it.
- Okay, well, um,
thank you so much.
And um, this-- really awesome.
Really, really, really great.
- Wow, sounds like it went
really great in there.
- Yeah, it actually really did.
It was great.
- Well, just know that
if you try and replace me
as Gabe's best girl,
I'm gonna go to your desk
and find something
that means a lot to you,
and I'm gonna bludgeon you
to death with it.
- Very cool.
- Holy shit!
- Yeah.
- Ryan?
- Annie!
I got a job!
- What?
- I got a job here too.
- Yeah, he said that you were
askin' him to get a job,
and we had an opening, so.
- I'm officially
a distro guy now.
- Um, that's...
That's great.
- Come here. Come on.
- Yes.
- Ho-ho-hey-hey!
- Fuck.
- I don't think--
- Not in the office!
Sorry.
- Privacy of your own home,
go nuts.
- Of course.
- Do whatever the fuck
you guys want.
- All right, guys, let's fill
this paperwork out.
See you soon.
- Nosies.
This is so fun.
Let's go!
Yeah!
for driving me today.
I'm like so nervous,
I ca--
can't stop burping,
you know?
- Annie, it's okay.
I don't care.
Do you wanna just skip it?
- What?
- So you don't feel nervous
anymore.
I mean, we could go fuck
in the woods,
and it's a perfect plan.
- You know this is
fucking big for me.
This is WAHAM.
- Right.
But you keep saying that,
and I'm not sure
I know what it means.
What's that again?
- The WAHAM conference.
Women Are Having A Moment.
- It-- it's "female business
empowerment conference
to empower women in business."
And I finally don't have to
cover municipal zoning
or whatever, so
I mean this is a good thing.
- Yeah, I get that.
I just wish we could hang out
all day
like we used to
when we both didn't have jobs.
I miss you.
- Yeah, well I miss you, too,
but you know what could be
another hot option?
- Yeah?
- We could both have jobs.
- You're saying
I should get a job.
- Maybe.
- Um, no, you're right.
I'll see what I can figure out.
- Fuck, that was the turn!
- Wait, that was the turn?
- Yes!
- Shit, I'm sorry.
- At WAHAM, we empower women
to succeed in business.
Every single vendor
you see here today
has used the WAHAM
Steps to Success
to make their lady boss dreams
come true.
I was the youngest female CEO
of a Fortune 500 company.
Women are having a moment.
This is WAHAM.
Thank you
to our corporate sponsors.
- Press kit, goody bag.
Have a great WAHAM.
- Hi.
Hi, I'm Annie Easton
from "The Thorn."
Um, I'm a little bit late,
'cause my boyfriend
missed the exit,
but we don't need to get
into the whole ordeal of it,
and you don't care so.
- Here are your credentials,
and you missed your interview
slot with Justine,
but you can catch
her keynote at 3:00.
- I'm sorry, did you say
I missed the interview slot?
- Yeah,
it was a ten-minute slot.
- Um, is there any way
I could even just get,
like, one minute with Justine?
Because, really, there's no
article unless I talk to her,
so I don't have anything
to write about.
- There's nothing
that I can do.
I'm sorry.
- Hey.
I don't mind squeezing her in.
- It's you!
- Yes, yes, of course!
Um, do-- do we have time?
- Five minutes.
Or, like two minutes, we do.
- Okay, we'll take it.
We'll take what we have.
Okay, let's do it, come on!
- Cool.
- Okay, come on.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
So where are you from?
- I-I'm from here.
I'm from Portland.
- If we're gonna go, let's go.
Come on.
- You literally saved me
back there.
I honestly felt ill.
- My gosh, well, if a few
minutes of my time can help you,
we gotta do it.
- Plus, I love your blouse
so I was already on board.
- Well, thank you.
Yeah, um--
Yeah, I found
this designer online,
'cause it's always,
I don't know,
it's such a hunt to find
cool clothes for fat women.
- Wow, I love how you say
that word: "fat."
I don't know
that I would say...that.
- I mean, yeah,
I don't mind saying it.
I'm fat.
It's just true, you know?
I'm not afraid of it,
it's just a descriptor so.
- That is so powerful.
I-- I love that.
- Well, thank you.
- Last question.
- I actually haven't
asked any questions yet.
- Okay, so then
your first question
will be your last question.
- Okay, um, okay.
So I was surprised to see
that tickets to this event
start at $300, and...
I know that part of WAHAM's
mission statement
is lifting up every woman, but
can you really do that
if the price point
is so inaccessible?
- Um, so I've thought
about this quite a bit,
and we offer sponsorships
for low-income women,
so they can attend
free of charge.
- Got it.
- So we've kind of already
got that all figured out,
so I have to go, but, um,
thank you for coming.
- Okay.
- Can I get a little bag
of apricots?
- Yup, sure do.
- Thank you so much.
- Great.
- Thanks, Annie.
- Um, would there be
any way that I could possibly,
I don't know, meet with one of
the low-income women
who was sponsored?
- It's such a bummer,
actually.
She couldn't make it 'cause
she couldn't get off work.
But enjoy the day.
That badge gets you a water.
- Selfies!
- All right, beautiful ladies,
thank you so much, that's it.
We're gonna go.
Hey!
- Those are guns.
Attention attendees.
the panel
"How to Have it All and More"
starts in ten minutes.
- Hey, there.
- Hi.
Like what you see?
- Yeah, yeah, these are like,
little sculptures.
- Thank you.
I always felt
that there was something
about mass market sex toys
that was gross and embarrassing.
Then I created my own
dream vibrators
that are beautiful
and powerful.
- Yeah, yeah.
And they're $150?
- You're worth it.
Orgasms are self-care.
I mean, do you want to cum?
Or do you want to arrive?
Probably both.
Cheers.
Ding.
These conferences
are almost exclusively
how I connect
with the clientele.
It's helped us grow
in an exponential way.
And these women,
they're so supportive.
- Wow, and so,
what exactly is your business?
Makeup for your legs.
- Like to cover the gross skin
on your legs.
- And so is that a big problem
for most women?
- Yeah.
Maybe the biggest.
I mean, for years
I was suffering from, like,
disgusting leg skin.
- Yeah, and so then,
do people use this every day?
- Yeah, once it's part of your
routine, it's totally easy.
You just have to wait
30 minutes after application
to put your pants on.
- Wow, and so,
why would you put makeup on
and then put pants on?
'Cause no one will see it.
- Yeah, but you'll have
the confidence
of a woman whose disgusting
leg skin is covered up.
Honestly, it's so much fun.
I think you should try it.
- May I?
- Wow, sure.
That's good.
- Yeah, your legs are taking
the makeup beautifully.
I'm gonna do your feet too.
- Okay?
Spread those toes.
Fuck. Chub rub.
Hey, WAHAM!
Go tag the business queen
in your life
using the hashtag "biz queen"
to enter to win a free
collagen water.
- My God.
Studies show
that at any given moment
43% to 87% of women
are holding back tears.
- No.
Which is the bathroom?
Okay.
Fuck!
- Are you okay in there?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's just-- it's chub rub,
you know?
And I was in such a rush
this morning
I forgot to put on
my shorts.
- Chub rub,
that's the worst.
Let me see if I have anything.
- Okay!
I got a bunch of Band-Aids.
- I will take it.
Thank you.
That happened to me
once at Disneyland.
I started crying in the line
for Space Mountain.
My kids were so freaked out.
Mulan asked if I was okay!
- God.
Yeah, I feel like
with the leg makeup
and the burning thighs,
I may need to
get the hell outta here.
No.
Do you not like WAHAM?
- I mean,
it's really impressive,
and it's-- it's so big, um,
I just-- I'm not sure that
I, like, "get it," you know?
Connie's been to 11.
- Why?
- I mean it might sound silly,
but where I grew up, you know,
girl power and feminism
and that stuff
weren't such a big thing,
you know?
I just didn't know
much about it.
- Honestly, same for me.
- Plus,
I love to network and engage.
Okay, what does that mean?
- Networking and engaging is
just a lie we tell our husbands
so we can come hang out
with our friends.
Okay, well, that makes sense.
That makes sense.
Thanks for the Band-Aids.
- Of course.
- My God, did I tell you
about my son's therapist?
The one with
the big juicy ass?
I'm gonna tell you again.
- Ho, ho!
Hey, hey!
- What's up, baby!
- Hey, you guys!
- Dude, remember?
- The Casio!
Yes!
Ha, ha!
Come on, man, move it.
- Go fuck yourself.
Come on, go.
- All right, everybody has
to keep the economy moving.
Let's go.
- Go!
- Hey, take it easy!
We're having a meeting.
We're buddies.
- Sorry you have to go to work.
Ha ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!
- Yeah!
- Yeah, baby!
Where you going?
- What?
- Smoke cigarette at the mall!
- Yeah.
- That sounds cool!
- Yeah, Ryan, dude.
We will see you again!
- Yes, yes, you will.
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
Whoo!
Fuck yeah.
- Here's your free t-shirt.
Please put it on
before the keynote begins.
- Well,
this won't fit me.
It's a small.
- Sure it will.
- Do you maybe have, like,
a double XL, or--
- No, but we do have
a generous medium.
They are huge.
It's like a dress on me.
Well, thank you.
- What up, what up, WAHAM?
Hey!
Let's get everybody up!
Get up, yeah!
Everyone up out of your chair!
Okay, seriously,
everyone does have to get up.
All right, because
Justine's not gonna come out
until we're all up
with those t-shirts on.
All right, and we are
participating actively.
We're smiling.
Here we go.
Give it up for Justine Kylie!
- This is our moment!
This is WAHAM!
Please sit down.
With every book, every seminar,
every connection you make here,
we are turning the boardroom
into the broad room.
Now, I remember being the only
young woman at my company,
and I remember the moment they
hired another female executive,
and a man said to me,
"Looks like you finally got
some competition."
And compete with her I did...
Till I got her fired.
Now guess what?
That woman that I got fired
is here today.
Give it up for Rebecca!
- Fuck.
- You look so incredible.
How do you do it?
Well, I wake up at 4:00 a. m.,
I run five miles a day,
and I haven't touched bread
in 20 years.
Except on 9/11
'cause I really needed it.
Okay, who's next?
- Hi, Justine. I'm Connie.
- Connie girl,
good to see you again.
Thank you, um,
I quit business school
when I had my daughter,
and I love being
a stay at home mom,
but when my husband
got laid off,
I had to figure out a way
to provide,
you know,
not just for my daughter...
But for myself.
I...
I needed something more.
So...
I started a stationary company
out of my garage,
but most importantly,
coming to these events
have given me
some of my best friendships.
Women who've seen me
through all of it,
so, I just wanted to say
thank you and thank you.
- Sorry.
- No, no, thank you.
Let's give it up for Connie,
everybody.
All right, everybody!
Up, up, up!
Whoo!
Work it, like Sandra over there
who's here making hats
for breast cancer patients.
Yes, you go, hat goddess!
All right, dance that feeling
when you smash
the glass ceiling!
Whoo!
Yes, yes, yes.
Okay.
Everybody be your damn self
like Annie over here!
Who looks amazing
even though it's hard
to find clothes in her size.
Work it, fat bitch!
Whoo, yes!
Whoo!
- Are you sure you don't want
any of this stuff?
- Yeah, I stole it
for you guys.
- "Ashwagandha."
I think this cures cancer
or it makes your bush fall out,
or something.
- Shit,
I want that,
either for my grandmother
or my girlfriend.
- I mean, I hate all of this
stuff, but I also want it.
Is that wrong?
I mean there's literally
snake oil in here.
- My God.
Bonkers!
- This thing'll
break your clit off.
I think it's made
of real marble.
Yeah,
so you can feel like
you're fucking
the statue of David.
- Okay, thank you.
You don't need to make fun
of my research.
All right, I'm a journalist,
and Gabe wants this piece
to be good.
That's why I have to write up
this thing tonight,
'cause I have to go meet up
with my mom
for our big talk tomorrow.
- Are you still pissed at her?
- Yeah, I am.
But I'm just gonna try
and level with her
the way you did with your mom.
- What happened with your mom?
Did you get in a fight?
- No, we just got to
a breaking point
where we had to be very real
with each other,
but now we're good.
And she texts me, like,
200 times a day.
- Yeah, see, that's where
I'm trying to get with Vera.
You know what I mean?
Maybe I'll give her this
to soften the blow.
Or this?
- I think this is da winner.
I gotta knight your ass.
Ding, ding.
- You know, I put some of that
snake oil on my crow's feet,
and I think it's actually
making a difference.
- Yeah, totally.
Um, Mom, could we talk?
- Sure, you know
I love girl talk.
- Yeah.
Um, well, this isn't easy,
but I just feel like
I never really got any answers
as to, like,
why you went to Vancouver.
- Please,
there's nothing to tell.
Yeah, I know you said that,
but I-I feel like
obviously there is, right?
And, um, you know,
I feel like before you left
we were, like,
having some very real talks,
and it would be great if we
could, like, do that again.
- Well, I don't know, honey.
We talk all the time.
We're talking right now!
- I know, I know.
But Mom, I'm serious.
Like, I want us to try
and be able to be honest
with each other, you know?
- Is that Vera?
- Margot!
Annie you remember
our neighbor, Margot.
- Yeah, hi.
- Margot,
what happened to your neck?
- Well, you know
my adult son Jeffery,
the one that's a virgin.
Yeah.
Yeah, um, he used to babysit me.
That's right.
- Well, Jeffery rammed me
with his truck.
- He rammed you?
Well, it was an accident,
but he rammed me so hard
I about popped my head off.
- You know,
a poor guy like Jeff,
he never had a girlfriend,
he never had a dollar,
and he rammed
right into his mama.
Right into my rear end.
My trunk is completely trashed.
Well, what's so funny?
- Um--
Annie told me a very funny joke
right before you walked up.
- Yeah.
- Well, tell me Annie.
I could really use a laugh
right now.
- I don't-- I can't.
It's-- you gotta tell it, Mom.
You-- you got it.
- What's, the last thing
that you want to hear
after you've given
Willie Nelson a blowjob?
- What?
- "I'm not Willie Nelson."
- I guess
I just don't get it.
Maybe Jeffery will.
See you soon, Vera.
I think Jeffery will get it.
- My God,
where did that come from?
- Your Dad's friend Ron.
- No!
- Annie,
I don't laugh with anyone
like I laugh with you.
- My God.
- Okay--
so you're firing me
because I don't like Andy?
Nobody like Andy!
You suck, dude!
Look, man, I'm firing you
because you sliced his tires,
and then you called him
the "Anti-Christ."
- He is!
- Yeah, y-you think I don't
agree with you?
You think I like Andy?
- Come on, man.
I've got kids.
If you fire me, I'll have
to be with 'em all day.
- That sucks, man, but look,
he went to HR.
Okay?
My hands are tied.
T- there's nothing I can do.
- Hey, come on, man.
Are you all right?
- We were friends.
Does that not matter to you?
- It matters to me.
I'm so--
Keep your head up, dude.
You don't have to do that.
- Um, hey everyone.
I just wanted
to take a moment
to say that today
is a very special day.
It is officially,
Amadi's first firing, so--
Ruthie.
- Let's-- let's--
let's give it up.
Hey.
You got any advice
on how to fire somebody
without feeling like shit?
- That's tough,
'cause I really enjoy that.
Could you do me a favor?
Could you tell Annie that her
article is boring and soulless?
- No, that's creative.
That's your department.
- What? Fuck you.
I said it was a favor.
- All right, easy.
- God.
All right, send her in
when she gets here.
- Yeah. God damn.
- I mean, Annie,
clearly, what you wrote sucks.
It's terrible. It's boring.
- Well, you're the one who
told me not to editorialize.
- You wrote the word "She-E-O"
without irony or commentary.
Are you dead?
What do you really feel about
this Woman Moment thing?
- You, Annie.
- I don't know.
It was, um...
Inspiring, I guess?
And demented.
- "Demented, I guess?"
What've you been hanging out
in the Clackamas Town Center?
What's with this jargon?
- I-- it just-- it made me think
that there's a reason
that men don't need to be,
like,
constantly told
that they're powerful.
It's because they're in power.
- Okay, and with women?
- And women, I mean,
we're, like,
screaming in huge pink letters
that we're powerful
just to try and convince
ourselves, you know?
And-- and all the statistics
that they gave
about how bad
things are for women,
it's, like,
it's a thousand times worse
if you're a woman
who can't afford
to be slathered in $100 oils.
- Okay. So it's a con.
- Yes, but there were also
all these women there
who were genuinely really
getting something out of it.
But to me, it just felt like
it was about money.
- Okay. We're getting somewhere.
Monetizing feminism.
Right?
- Yes, exactly, and women
are made to feel so insecure
and then each insecurity
is like a new opportunity
to make more money.
- It's sad.
- Yes.
And all day, all they talked
about was self-care,
but it's not taking care
of yourself
to agree that you're ugly
and you need to be fixed.
- Okay.
Okay, so what is a moment
of true self-care
if you strip everything away
here?
What's an example?
- Well, I mean,
if I'm being honest, like,
the first thing that I think of
is my abortion, you know?
I mean, that was care.
I had to in the moment
evaluate what I wanted,
and take care of myself,
and then all the women that were
there that took care of me.
- Well, thanks for telling me.
I mean,
this is totally your call,
but you could, you know,
put that in the article.
- Yeah, I mean I'm-- I'm not
afraid to, it's just the truth.
- Well, then go do it.
- Okay. Great.
Yeah.
Thanks, Gabe, I actually feel
like we really, like,
worked it out together
in a nice way--
- Yeah,
let's not stretch this out.
- Yeah, totally.
- Really ruin it.
- Okay, well, um,
thank you so much.
And um, this-- really awesome.
Really, really, really great.
- Wow, sounds like it went
really great in there.
- Yeah, it actually really did.
It was great.
- Well, just know that
if you try and replace me
as Gabe's best girl,
I'm gonna go to your desk
and find something
that means a lot to you,
and I'm gonna bludgeon you
to death with it.
- Very cool.
- Holy shit!
- Yeah.
- Ryan?
- Annie!
I got a job!
- What?
- I got a job here too.
- Yeah, he said that you were
askin' him to get a job,
and we had an opening, so.
- I'm officially
a distro guy now.
- Um, that's...
That's great.
- Come here. Come on.
- Yes.
- Ho-ho-hey-hey!
- Fuck.
- I don't think--
- Not in the office!
Sorry.
- Privacy of your own home,
go nuts.
- Of course.
- Do whatever the fuck
you guys want.
- All right, guys, let's fill
this paperwork out.
See you soon.
- Nosies.
This is so fun.
Let's go!
Yeah!