Sherlock (2010–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - His Last Vow - full transcript

Sherlock goes up against Charles Augustus Magnussen, media tycoon and a notorious blackmailer.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Mr Magnussen, please state your
full name for the record.

Charles Augustus Magnussen.

Mr Magnussen,

how would you describe your
influence over the Prime Minister?

The British Prime Minister?

Any of the British Prime Ministers
you have known.

I never had the slightest
influence over any of them.

Why would I?

I notice you've had seven meetings
at Downing Street this year.


Because I was invited.

Can you recall the subjects
under discussion?

Not without being more indiscreet
than I believe is appropriate.

Do you think it right that
a newspaper proprietor,

a private individual,
and in fact a foreign national,

should have such regular access
to our Prime Minister?

I don't think it's wrong that
a private individual should

accept an invitation.

However, you have my sincere
apologies for being foreign.

That's not what I meant. That is
not in any way...

Mr Magnussen,
can you recall an occasion

when your remarks could have
influenced government policy?

Or the Prime Minister's
thinking in any way?


Are you sure?

I have an excellent memory.


Your car is waiting outside...
See you tomorrow.

May I join you?

I don't think it's appropriate.

It isn't. Mr Magnussen, outside the
inquiry, we can have no contact,

no communication at all.

Please don't do that.

In 1982, your husband corresponded
with Helen Catherine Driscoll.

That was before I knew him.

The letters were lively, loving...

some would say explicit.

And currently in my possession.

Will you please move your hand?

"I long, my darling, to know
the touch of your... body."

I know what was in the letters.

She was 15.

She looked older.

Oh, she looked delicious.
We have photographs too.

The ones she sent him.


He was unaware of her age.

He met her only
once before the letters began.

When he discovered the truth,
he stopped immediately.

Those are the facts.

Facts are for history books.
I work in news.

Your hand is sweating.

Always, I'm afraid.
I have a condition.

It's disgusting.

I'm used to it.

The whole world is wet to my touch.

I will call someone,
I will have you removed.

What is that?

Claire de la Lune?

A bit young for you, isn't it?

You want to hit me now?
Could you, still?

Little old lady now.

Perhaps you should
settle for calling someone.

Well, go on.


Because now there are consequences.

I have the letters
and therefore I have you.

This is blackmail.

Of course it isn't blackmail.

This is...


You do not own me.

Claire de la Lune.

It never tastes like it smells,
does it?

Lady Smallwood's bill is on me.
See to it.

Yes, Mr Magnussen.


Oh, God! Oh!

You all right, ma'am?

Fine, yes.


No-one stands up to him.

No-one dares, no-one even tries.

There isn't a man or woman
in England capable of stopping

that disgusting creature...


Turn the car around. We're going
back into town. Turn around.

Where are we going, ma'am?

Baker Street.


'You've seen a lot of injuries,
then? Violent deaths?'

'Enough for a lifetime.'
'Want to see some more?'

'Oh, God, yes.'


'The game is on.'


I know it's early.
Really, I'm sorry.


Is that Kate?
Yeah, it's Kate.

Invite her in?

Er, sorry, yes,
do you want to come in, Kate?


It's hard.

There you go. It's Isaac.
Oh, your husband? Son. Son, yeah.

He's gone missing again.
Didn't come home last night.

The usual.

He's the drugs one, yeah?

Er, yeah, nicely put, John.

But is it Sherlock Holmes you want?
Because I've not seen him in ages.

About a month.
Who is Sherlock Holmes?

See, that does happen.

There's a place they all go to,
him and his friends.

They all do whatever they do.

Shoot up, whatever you call it.

Where is he? It's a house, it's a
dump. It's practically falling down.

No, the address? Where, exactly?

Seriously? Why not?

She's not going to the police,
someone's got to get him.

Why you? I'm being neighbourly.
Since when?

Ha, since now.
Since this exact minute.

Why are you being so...? What?

I don't know,
what's the matter with you?

There is NOTHING the matter with me.

Imagine I said that without
shouting. I'm trying.

No, you can't come, you're pregnant.

You can't go, I'm pregnant!

What is that?!

It's a tyre lever. Why? Cos there
were loads of smackheads in there

and one of them
might need help with a tyre.

If there's any trouble,
just go, I'll be fine.

John, John, John, John...

It is a tiny bit sexy.

Yeah, I know.


What do you want? Excuse me.


Oh, no, you can't come in here!

I'm looking for a friend.
A very specific... friend.

I'm not just browsing.

You've got to go.
No-one's allowed here.

Isaac Whitney, you seen him?

I'm asking you
if you've seen Isaac Whitney

and now you're showing me a knife.

Is it a clue? Are you doing a mime?

Go. Or I'll cut you.

Oh, not from there. Let me help.

Now, concentrate. Isaac... Whitney?

OK, you asked for it.


Agh! Ohh!

Right. Are you concentrating yet?

You broke my arm!

No, I sprained it.

It feels squishy.
Is it supposed to feel squishy?

Feel that! Yeah, it's a sprain.

I'm a doctor,
I know how to sprain people.

Now where is Isaac Whitney?

I don't know! Maybe upstairs.

There you go. Wasn't that easy?

No, it was really sore.

Mental, you are!

No, just used to a better
class of criminal.



Isaac? Isaac Whitney?




Hello, mate. Sit up for me, sit up.

Dr Watson? Yep.

Where am I?

Arse-end of the universe with
the scum of the earth. Look at me.

Have you come for me?

Do you think
I know a lot of people here?

Hey, all right?

SHERLOCK: Oh, hello, John.
Didn't expect to see you here.

Come for me too?

Hello, Isaac. Mrs Watson,
can I, can I get in, please?

Yes, of course, get in. Where's
John? They're having a fight.

Who is?!

For God sakes, John, I'm on a case!

A month. That's all it took.

One! I'm working.

"Sherlock Holmes in a drug den."
How's that going to look?!

I'm undercover. No, you're not!

Well, I'm not now!

In, both of you, quickly!

Please, can I come?
I think I've got a broken arm.

No, go away. No, let him. Why?
Yeah, just get in. It's a sprain.

Anyone else? I mean, are we taking
everybody home, are we?

All right, Shezza?

"Shezza"? I WAS undercover!

Seriously, Shezza, though?

We're not going home, we're going to
Bart's. I'm calling Molly. Why?

Because Sherlock Holmes needs
to pee in a jar.

Well? Is he clean?


How dare you throw away the
beautiful gifts you were born with!

And how dare you betray
the love of your friends!

Say you're sorry.

Sorry your engagement's over. Though I'm
fairly grateful for the lack of a ring.

Stop it. Just stop it!

If you were anywhere near this
kind of thing again,

you could have called,
you could have talked to me.

Please, do relax.
This is all for a case.

What kind of case would need
you doing this?

I might as well ask you why you've
started cycling to work?

No, we're not playing this game.

Quite recently, I'd say,
you're very determined about it.

Not interested. I am. Ow!

Oh, sorry, you moved,
but it is just a sprain.

Yeah, somebody hit me. Huh?

Yeah, just some guy.

Yeah, it was probably just
an addict in need of a fix.

Yes, I think in a way it was.

Is it his shirt? I'm sorry?

Well, it's the creases, isn't it?

The two creases down the front.

It's been recently folded,
but it's not new.

You must have dressed in a hurry
this morning.

So all your shirts must be
kept like that.

But why?

Maybe cos you cycle to work
every morning, shower

when you get there and then dress
in the clothes you brought with you.

You keep your shirts folded,
ready to pack.

Not bad.

And I further deduce...'ve only started recently
because you've got a bit of chafing.

No, he's always walked like that.

Remind me, what's your name again?

They call me the Wig.
No, they don't.

Well, they... they call me Wiggy.


Bill. Bill Wiggins.

Nice observational skills, Billy.


Ah, finally!

Finally what? Good news?

Oh, excellent news, the best.

There's every chance that my drug
habit might hit the newspapers.

The game is on.
Excuse me... for a second.

You've heard of Charles Augustus
Magnussen, of course?

Yeah. Owns some newspapers.
Ones I don't read.

Hang on, weren't there other people?

Mary's taking the boys home,
I'm taking you, we did discuss it.

People were talking, none of them
were me, I must have filtered.

I noticed. I have to filter out
a lot of witless babble.

I've got Mrs Hudson
on semi-permanent mute.

What is my brother doing here?

So I'll just pay, then, shall I?

He's straightened the knocker.

He always corrects it, it's OCD,
doesn't even know he's doing it.

Why do you do that? Do what?

Well then, Sherlock,
back on the sauce?

What are you doing here?
I phoned him.

The siren call of old habits.
How very like Uncle Rudy.

Though in many ways, cross-dressing would have
been a wiser path for you. You phoned him.

Of course I bloody phoned him.
Of course he bloody did.

Now save me a little time -
where should we be looking?

"We"? ANDERSON: Mr Holmes?

For God's sake!

Anderson?! Sorry, Sherlock,
it's for your own good.

Oh, that's him, isn't it?
You said he'd be taller.

Some members of your little fan
club. Do be polite.

They're entirely trustworthy
and even willing to search

through the toxic waste dump that
you are pleased to call a flat.

You're a celebrity these days,

You can't afford a drug habit.

I do not have a drug habit.
JOHN: Hey, what happened to my chair?

It was blocking my view to the

Well, it's good to be missed!

You were gone, I saw an opportunity.
No, you saw the kitchen.

What have you found so far?
Clearly, nothing.

There's nothing to find!

Your bedroom door is shut.
You haven't been home all night.

So, why would a man who has never
knowingly closed a door without

the direct orders of his mother
bother to do so on this occasion?

OK, stop, just stop! Point made.

Jesus, Sherlock!

I shall have to phone our parents,
of course. In Oklahoma.

It won't be the first time that
your substance abuse

has wreaked
havoc with their line dancing.

This is not what you think.
This is for a case.

What case could possibly
justify this?


Charles Augustus Magnussen.

That name you think you may have
just heard, you were mistaken.

If you ever mention hearing that
name in this room,

in this context,
I guarantee you, on behalf

of the British Security Services,
that materials will be found on

your computer hard-drives, resulting
in your immediate incarceration.

Don't reply, just look frightened
and scuttle.

I hope I won't have to
threaten you as well.

Well, I think we'd both find
that embarrassing.

Magnussen is not your business.

Oh, you mean he's yours? You may
consider him under my protection.

I consider you under his thumb.

If you go against Magnussen,

then you will find yourself
going against me.

OK. I'll let you know if I notice.

Um, what was I going to say?
Oh, yeah.


Unwise, brother mine.

Ohh! Ugh!

Brother mine...

...don't appal me when I'm high.

Mycroft, don't say another word,
just go.

He could snap you in two
and right now,

I'm slightly worried that he might.

Don't speak, just leave.



Er, Magnussen?

What time is it? About eight.

I'll be meeting him in three hours.
I need a bath.

It's for a case, you say? Yep.
What sort of case?

Too big and dangerous for any sane
individual to get involved in.

You trying to put me off? God, no.

Trying to recruit you.

And stay out of my bedroom.

Oh, John, hi. How are you?


Sorry, not dressed.
Has everybody gone?

I heard shouting.
Yes, they're gone.

God, look at the time. I'll be late.

It sounded like an argument.
Was it Mike? Mike?

Mike, yeah. His brother, Mike.
They're always fighting.


Do people actually call him that?

Yeah. Huh!

Oh, could you be a love
and put some coffee on?

Sure, right, yeah.

Thanks. Oh, how is Mary?
How's married life?

She's fine. We're both fine. Yeah.

Oh, it's over there now.
Where's Sherl?


Er, he's just having a bath.
I'm sure he'll be out in a minute.

Oh, like he ever is! Yeah.

Morning. Room for a little one?





So, it's just a guess, but you've
probably got some questions?

Yeah, one or two. Pretty much.


You have a girlfriend? Yes, I have.

Now, Magnussen.
Magnussen is like a shark.

It's the only way
I can describe him.

Have you ever been to the shark tank at the London
Aquarium, John? Stood up close to the glass?

Those floating, flat faces,
those dead eyes. That's what he is.

I've dealt with murderers,

terrorists, serial killers.

None of them can turn my stomach
like Charles Augustus Magnussen.

Yes, you have?

Sorry, what?

You have a girlfriend? What? Yes,
yes, I'm going out with Janine.

I thought that was fairly obvious.
Yes. Well, yes.


You... You... You are
in a relationship?

Yes, I am.

You and Janine? Hmm.
Yes, me and Janine.

Care to elaborate?

Well, we're in a good place.
It's, um...

very affirming.
You got that from a book.

Everyone got that from a book.

OK, you two bad boys.
Behave yourselves.

You, Sherl, you're going to have to
tell me where you were last night.

Working. Working? Of course.

I'm the only one who really knows
what you're like, remember?

Well, don't you go letting on.

I might just, actually.

I haven't told Mary about this.

I kind of wanted to surprise her.
Yeah, I think you probably will.

But we should have you two
over for dinner, really soon.

Yeah. My place though,
not the scuzz-dump.

Great, yeah.

Dinner, yeah.

I'd better dash. It was
brilliant to see you. You too.

Have a lovely day. Call me later.

I might do. I might call you.

Unless I meet someone prettier.

Solve me a crime, Sherlock Holmes.

You know Magnussen
as a newspaper owner,

but he is so much more than that.

He uses his power and wealth
to gain information.

The more he acquires,
the greater his wealth and power.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say that he knows
the critical pressure point on every person of note

or influence in the whole of the
Western World and probably beyond.

He is the Napoleon of blackmail.

And he has created an unassailable
architecture of forbidden knowledge.

Its name...

is Appledore.

Dinner? Sorry, what dinner?

Me and Mary coming for dinner with...

wine and...


Seriously? I have just told you that
the Western World is run

from this house and you want to talk about
dinner? Fine. Talk about the house.

It is the greatest repository
of sensitive and dangerous

information anywhere in the world,

the Alexandrian Library
of secrets and scandals

and none of it is on a computer.

He's smart. Computers can be hacked.

It's all on hard copy, in vaults,
underneath that house.

And as long as it is,
the personal freedom of anyone

you've ever met is a fantasy.


That was the doorbell.
Couldn't you hear it?

It's in the fridge. It kept ringing.
Oh, that's not a fault, Sherlock!

Who is it?

Mr Holmes said you can go right up.

Oh. Go ahead.


Can I have a moment?

He's fine.

Look, I... Right.
I should probably tell you...

OK, I...


Doesn't mean I'm not
pleased to see you.

I can vouch for this man.
He is a doctor.

If you know who I am,
then you know who he is.

Don't you, Mr Magnussen?

I understood we were meeting
at YOUR office.

This is my office.

Well, it is now.

Mr Magnussen, I have been
asked to intercede with you

by Lady Elizabeth Smallwood

on the matter
of her husband's letters.

Some time ago you put pressure
on her concerning those letters.

She would like those letters back.

Obviously, the letters no longer
have any practical use to you,

so with that in mind...

Something I said?

No, no. I was reading.

There's rather a lot.


Sorry. Sorry, you were
probably talking.


I was trying to explain that I have
been asked to act on behalf of...

Along from the kitchen, sir.

OK. I've been asked to negotiate
the return of those letters.

I am aware you do not make copies
of sensitive documents.

Is it like the rest of the flat?
Sir? The bathroom?

Yes, sir. Maybe not then.

Am I acceptable to you
as an intermediary?

Lady Elizabeth Smallwood...

I like her.

Mr Magnussen,
am I acceptable to you

as an intermediary?

She's English with a spine.

Best thing about the English...'re so domesticated.

All standing around, apologising...

...keeping your little heads down.

You can do what you like here.
No-one's ever going to stop you.

A nation of herbivores.


I have interests
all over the world but...

everything starts in England.

If it works here...


...I try it in a real country.

The United Kingdom,

Petri dish to the Western World.

Tell Lady Elizabeth I might need
those letters so...

I'm keeping them.



...they're funny.


Did you notice the one
extraordinary thing he did?

There was a moment that
kind of stuck in the mind, yeah.

Exactly. When he showed us
the letters.

OK. So, he's brought
the letters to London,

so no matter what he says,
he's ready to make a deal.

Now, Magnussen only makes a deal once
he's established a person's weaknesses,

the pressure point, he calls it.
So, clearly he believes

I'm a drug addict
and no serious threat.

And of course, because he's in town tonight, the
letters will be in his safe in his London office

while he's out to dinner with the Marketing
Group of GB from seven till ten.

How do you know his schedule? Because
I do. I'll see you tonight.

I've got some shopping to do.
What's tonight?

I'll text instructions.

Yeah, I'll text YOU if I'm available.
You are, I checked.

Don't bring a gun.
Why would I bring a gun?

Or a knife or a tyre lever. Probably
best not to do any arm-spraining,

but we'll see how the night goes. Are
you just assuming I'm coming along?

Time you got out of the house, John. You've put on
7lbs since you married and the cycling isn't doing it.

It's actually 4lbs. Mary and I
think seven. See you later.

TV REPORTER: And breaking news now.

John Garvie MP has been arrested
today on charges of corruption.

This follows an investigation...

Magnussen's office is on the top
floor, just below his private flat.

There are 14 layers of security
between us and him,

two of which aren't even
legal in this country.

Want to know how we're going to break in? Is that
what we're doing? Of course it's what we're doing.

Magnussen's private lift.

Goes straight to his penthouse
and office. Only he uses it

and only his keycard calls the lift.

If anyone else even tries,
security is automatically informed.

Standard keycard for the building.

Nicked it yesterday. Only gets us
as far as the canteen.

Here we go then. If I was to use
this card on that lift now,

what happens?
Well, the alarms would go off

and you'd be dragged away
by security. Exactly.

Get taken to a small room somewhere
and your head kicked in.

Do we really need so much colour?
It passes the time.

But if I do this...

If you press a keycard against
your mobile phone for long enough,

it corrupts the magnetic strip.
The card stops working.

It's a common problem. Never put
your keycard with your phone.

What happens if I use the card now?

It still doesn't work.

But it doesn't read
as the wrong card now.

It registers as corrupted.

But if it's corrupted, how
do they know it's not Magnussen?

Would they risk dragging him off?
Probably not.

So, what do they do?
What do they have to do?

Check if it's him or not.

There's a camera at eye height
to the right of the door.

A live picture of the card user
is relayed directly

to Magnussen's personal staff
in his office,

the only people trusted
to make a positive ID.

At this hour,
almost certainly his PA.

So, how does that help us?

Human error.

I've been shopping.

Here we go then.

You realise you don't exactly
look like Magnussen?

Which in this case is
a considerable advantage.


Sherlock, you complete loon. What are
you doing?! Hang on, was that...?

Hi, Janine.

Go on, let me in.

I can't. You know I can't.
Don't be silly.

Don't make me do it out here.

Not in front of everyone.

Do what in front of everyone?

You see, as long as there's people, there's
always a weak spot. That was Janine.

Yes, of course it was.
She's Magnussen's PA.

That's the whole point. Did you just get engaged to
break into an office? Yeah. Stroke of luck meeting her

at your wedding. You can take
some of the credit. Jesus!

Sherlock, she loves you.
Yes. Like I said, human error.

What are you going to do? Well, not
actually marry her, obviously.

There's only so far you can go.
So, what will you tell her?

Well, I'll tell her that our entire
relationship was a ruse

to break into her boss's office.
I imagine she'll want to stop

seeing me at that point,
but you're the expert on women.

So, where did she go?

That's a bit rude.
I just proposed to her.


Did she faint?

Do they really do that?!

It's a blow to the head.

She's breathing.


Another in here.


Does he need help?

Ex-con. White supremacist
by the tattoos, so who cares?

Stick with Janine.

Janine, focus on my voice.
Can you hear me?

Hey, they must still be here.

So is Magnussen.
His seat's still warm.

He should be at dinner,
but he's still in the building.

Upstairs. We should call the police.
During our own burglary?

You're really not a natural
at this, are you?

No, wait. Sssh.

Perfume and not Janine's.

Claire de la Lune.
Why do I know it?

Mary wears it. No, not Mary.
Somebody else.



What would your husband think?

Your lovely husband,
upright and honourable,

so English. What would
he say to you now?

No, no!

You're doing this to protect
him from the truth?

Well, is this the protection
he would want?

Additionally, if you're
going to commit murder,

you might consider changing
your perfume, Lady Smallwood.

Sorry. Who?

That's... not Lady Smallwood,
Mr Holmes.

Is John with you? He's, um...

Is John here?

He's downstairs.

So, what do you do now?

Kill us both?

Mary, whatever he's got on you,
let me help.

Oh, Sherlock, if you take one more
step, I swear I will kill you.

No, Mrs Watson...

you won't.

I'm sorry, Sherlock.

I truly am.



It's not like it is in the movies.

There's not a great big spurt of
blood and you go flying backwards.

The impact isn't spread
over a wide area.

It's tightly focused so there's
little or no energy transfer.

You stay still
and the bullet pushes through.

You're almost certainly going
to die, so we need to focus.

I said, "Focus!"

It's all well and clever
having a mind palace,

but you've only three seconds
of consciousness left to use it.

So, come on.
What's going to kill you?

Blood loss. Exactly.
So, it's all about one thing now -

forwards or backwards?

We need to decide which way
you're going to fall.

One hole or two? Sorry?
Is the bullet still inside you?

Or is there an exit wound?
It'll depend on the gun.

That one, I think.

Or that one.

Oh, for God's sake, Sherlock.
It doesn't matter about the gun.

Don't be stupid.

You always were so stupid.

Such a disappointment.

I'm not stupid.

You're a very stupid little boy.

Mummy and Daddy are very cross

because it doesn't matter
about the gun.

Why not?

You saw the whole room
when you entered it.

What was directly behind you
when you were murdered?

I've not been murdered YET.

Balance of probability,
little brother.

If the bullet had passed through
you, what would you have heard?

The mirror shattering.

You didn't. Therefore...?

The bullet's still inside me.

So we need to take him
down backwards.

I agree. Sherlock,
you need to fall on your back.

Right now the bullet is
the cork in a bottle.

The bullet itself is blocking
most of the blood flow.

But any pressure or impact on the
entrance wound could dislodge it.

Plus, on your back, gravity's
working for us.




What the hell is that?!
What's happening?!

You're going into shock. It's the
next thing that's going to kill you.

What do I do? Don't go
into shock, obviously.

Must be something in this ridiculous
memory palace of yours

that can calm you down.

Find it.

The East Wind is coming, Sherlock.

It's coming to get you.


Find it.

Hello, Redbeard. Here, boy.

Come on. Come to me.

It's OK. It's all right.

It's me. It's me.

Come on.

Good boy. Clever boy.

Good boy.

Hello, Redbeard. They're putting
me down too now.

It's no fun, is it?


That was shock. You're going
to feel the pain.

There's a hole ripped through you.

Massive internal bleeding.

You have to control the pain.

Control. Control. Control.


You never felt pain, did you?

Why did you never feel pain?

You always feel it, Sherlock.

But you don't have to fear it!





...death...'s all good.

It's all good.

Sherlock! Sherlock. Can you hear me?

What happened?

He got shot.



Oh, my!

Who shot him?!

'Emergency. Which service
do you require?'

♪ It's raining

♪ It's pouring

♪ Sherlock is boring

♪ I'm laughing

♪ I'm crying

♪ Sherlock is dying. ♪


We're losing you. Sherlock!

Come on, Sherlock.
Just die, why can't you?

One little push

and off you pop.

You're going to love being dead,
Sherlock. No-one ever bothers you.

Mrs Hudson will cry...

and Mummy and Daddy will cry...

and the woman will cry and John
will cry buckets and buckets.

It's him that I worry about
the most. That wife!

You're letting him down, Sherlock.

John Watson is definitely in danger.

Oh, you're not getting
better, are you?

Was it something I said, huh?



Mary. Hey.

He's only bloody woken up.

He's pulled through. Really?
Yeah. Seriously? You...

Mrs Watson, you're in big trouble.

Really? Why?

His first word when he woke up...



You don't tell him.


You don't tell John.

Bad girl.

Bad, bad girl.

Look at me...

...and tell me you're not
going to tell him.

I'm buying a cottage.

I've made a lot of money
out of you, mister.

Nothing hits the spot
like revenge with profits.

You didn't give those stories
to Magnussen, did you?

God, no. One of his rivals.
He was spitting.


Sherlock Holmes, you are
a back-stabbing, heartless,

manipulative bastard.

And you, as it turns out,
are a grasping, opportunistic,

publicity-hungry, tabloid whore.

So, we're good then?

Yeah, of course.

Where's the cottage? Sussex Downs.

Nice. It's gorgeous.

There's beehives,
but I'm getting rid of those.

Oh, it hurts, does it?

Probably want to restart
your morphine.

I might have fiddled with the taps.

How much more revenge are you going
to need? Just the occasional top-up.

Dream come true for you, this place.

They actually attach
the drugs to you.

Not good for working.

You won't be working
for a while, Sherl.

You lied to me.

You lied and lied.

I exploited the fact
of our connection.


Just once would have been nice.


I was waiting till we got married.

That was never going to happen.

Got to go.

I'm not supposed
to keep you talking.

And also, I have an interview
with The One Show

and I haven't made it up yet.

Just one thing...

you shouldn't have lied to me.

I know what kind of man you are,

but we could have been friends.

I'll give your love
to John and Mary.

You don't tell him.

You don't tell John.


...Mary Watson...

...who are you?

Mary Watson.

I don't know how much sense
you'll get out of him.

He's drugged up,
so he's pretty much babbling.

Oh, they won't let you use
that in here, you know?

No, I'm not going to use the phone.
I just want to take a video.

Oh, Jesus!

So, where would he go?

Oh, Christ knows!

Try finding Sherlock in London.

He's got three known bolt-holes.

Parliament Hill, Camden Lock
and Dagmar Court.

Five known bolt holes.

There's the blind greenhouse
in Kew Gardens

and the leaning tomb
in Hampstead Cemetery.

Just the spare bedroom.

Well, my bedroom.

We agreed he needs the space.

Behind the clock face of Big Ben.

I think he was probably joking.

No, I don't think so.

Leinster Gardens. It's his number
one bolt hole. Top, top secret.

He only knows about it
cos he stalked him one night.

Followed! Followed, yeah.

He knew who shot him.

The bullet wound was here,
so he was facing whoever it was.

So, why not tell us? Because he's
tracking them down himself.

Or protecting them.
Protecting the shooter, why?

Well, protecting someone then.
But why would he care?

He's Sherlock. Who would he
bother protecting?

Call me if you hear anything.
Don't hold out on me, John.

Call me, OK? Yeah. Yeah, right.

Good night then. Bye then.

John, need a cuppa?

Mrs Hudson, why does Sherlock think
that I'll be moving back in here?

Oh, yes, he's put your chair
back again, hasn't he?

That's nice. It looks much better.

John, what's wrong? Tell me. John?

That's your phone, isn't it?

It's Sherlock, John. Sherlock.

John, you have to answer it!

Spare any change, love? No.
Oh, come on, love.

Don't be like all the rest.

Rule one of looking
for Sherlock Holmes, he finds you.

You're working for Sherlock now?

Keeps me off the streets,
doesn't it? Well... no.


Where are you?
'Can't you see me?'

Well, what am I looking for?

'The lie, the lie of Leinster
Gardens, hidden in plain sight.

'Hardly anyone notices. People live
here for years and never see it.

'But if you are what I think you are,
it will take you less than a minute.

'The houses, Mary.
Look at the houses.'

How did you know I'd come here?

'I knew you'd talk to the people
no-one else would bother with.'

Huh, I thought I was being clever.

'You're always clever,
Mary, I was relying on that.

'I planted the information
for you to find.'


'30 seconds.'

But what am I looking at?

'No door knobs, no letterbox.
Painted windows.

'23 and 24 Leinster Gardens.

'The empty houses.

'They were demolished years ago to
make way for the London Underground,

'a vent for the old steam trains.

'Only the very front
section of the house remains.'

'It's just a facade.

'Remind you of anyone, Mary?

'A facade?

'Sorry, I never could resist
a touch of drama.

'Do come in. It's a little cramped.'

Do you own this place?

'Hmm, I won it in a card game with
the Clarence House Cannibal.

'Nearly cost me my kidneys, but
fortunately I had a straight flush.

'Quite a gambler, that woman.'

What do you want, Sherlock?

'Mary Morstan was stillborn
in October 1972.

'Her gravestone is in Chiswick
cemetery, where five years ago

'you acquired her name and date of
birth, and thereafter her identity.

'That's why you don't have
friends from before that date.'

Need to work on your half of the
church, Mary. Looking a bit thin.

Oh, orphan's lot.
Friends, that's all I have.

'It's an old enough technique,
known to the kinds of people

'who could recognise
a skip code on sight...'

At first I thought it was just
a Bible thing, spam, but it's not.

It's a skip code.

'..Have extraordinarily
retentive memories.'

How can you not remember which room?
You remember everything!

I have to delete something! 207.

You were very slow.

'How good a shot are you?'

How badly do you want to find out?

'If I die here,
my body would be found in a building

'with your face
projected on the front of it.

'Even Scotland Yard could get
somewhere with that.

'I want to know how good you are.

'Go on, show me.

'The doctor's wife must be
a little bit bored by now.'


May I see?

Huh, it's a dummy.

Well, I suppose that was a fairly
obvious trick.

And yet,
over a distance of six feet,

you failed to make a kill shot.

Enough to hospitalise me,
not enough to kill me.

That wasn't a miss,
that was surgery.

I'll take the case. What case?

Yours. Why didn't you come to me
in the first place?

Because John can't ever know that
I lied to him.

It would break him
and I would lose him forever.

And Sherlock, I will never
let that happen.

Please, understand,

there is nothing in this world I
would not do to stop that happening.


Not that obvious a trick.

Now talk and sort it out
and do it quickly.

MUSIC: "Hark! The Herald
Angels Sing"

Oh, dear God, it's only two o'clock.

It's been Christmas Day
for at least a week now.

How can it only be two o'clock?
I'm in agony.

Mikey, is this your laptop?

Upon which depends the security
of the free world, yes,

and you've got potatoes on it!

You shouldn't leave it lying around
if it's so important.

Why are we doing this?
We never do this.

We are here because Sherlock
is home from hospital

and we are all very happy.

Am I happy too? I haven't checked.

Behave, Mike!

Mycroft is the name you gave me,

if you could possibly struggle all
the way to the end. Mrs Holmes.

Oh, thank you, dear. I'm not
absolutely sure why you're here.

I invited him.

I'm his protege, Mrs Holmes.

When he dies,
I get all his stuff and his job.

No. Oh, well, I help out a bit.


If he does get murdered or

Probably stop talking now. OK.

Lovely when you
bring your friends round(!)

Stop it, you.
Somebody's put a bullet in my boy.

If I ever find out who,
I shall turn absolutely monstrous.

This was for Mary.
I'll be back in a minute.

Ah. Mary. There you are.

Cup of tea. If Father starts
making little humming noises,

just give him a little poke.
That usually does it.

Did you write this?

Oh, that silly old thing,
you mustn't read that.

Mathematics must seem terribly
fatuous now.

No humming, you.

Complete flake, my wife, but happens
to be a genius.

She was a mathematician?

Gave it all up for children. I could
never bear to argue with her.

I'm something of a moron myself.

But she's... unbelievably hot.

Oh my God, you're the sane one,
aren't you?

Aren't you?

Oh. Sorry, I just, er...

Oh, you two need a moment?

If you don't mind?

No, course not. I'll go and see if
I can help with...

something or another.

Those two. They all right?

Well, you know,
they've had their ups and downs.

Baker Street, now.

John, Mary...

Oh, Sherlock, oh, good gracious,
you look terrible!

Get me some morphine
from your kitchen, I've run out.

I don't have any morphine. Then what
exactly is the point of you?!

What is going on?

Bloody good question.

The Watsons are about to have a domestic and fairly
quickly I hope, because we've got work to do.

No, I have a better question -

is everyone I have ever met
a psychopath?


Good that we've settled that.
Now we... SHUT UP!

And stay shut up,
because this is not funny.

Not this time.

I didn't say it was funny. You.

What have I ever done? Hmm?

My whole life, to deserve you?


Sherlock, I've told you, shut up.

No, I mean it -
seriously, everything.

Everything you've ever done,
is what you did.

Sherlock, one more word
and you will not need morphine.

You were a doctor who went to war.

You're a man who couldn't stay in
the suburbs for more than a month

without storming a crack den,
beating up a junkie.

Your best friend is a
sociopath, who solves crimes

as an alternative to getting high.
That's me, by the way, hello.

Even the landlady used to
run a drug cartel.

It was my husband's cartel.
I was just typing.

And exotic dancing.

Sherlock Holmes,
if you've been YouTubing...

John, you are addicted to
a certain lifestyle.

You are abnormally attracted to
dangerous situations and people,

so is it truly such a surprise
that the woman you fall in love with

conforms to that pattern?

But she wasn't supposed to
be like that!

Why is SHE like that?

Because you chose her.

Why is everything always


Oh, neighbours!

John, listen. Be calm and answer me.

What is she?

My lying wife? No, what is she?

And the woman who is carrying my child, who
has lied to me since the day I met her.

No. Not in this flat,
not in this room.

Right here, right now, what is she?


Your way.

Always your way.




Because that's where they sit.

The people who come in here
with their stories.

They're the clients,
that's all you are now, Mary.

You're a client.

This is where you sit and talk
and this is where we sit and listen.

Then we decide
if we want you or not.

So, are you OK?

Oh, are we doing conversation today?
It really is Christmas(!)


Seriously, months of silence
and we're going to do this now?

A.G.R.A., what's that?

Er... my initials.

Everything about who
I was is on there.

If you love me,
don't read it in front of me.


Because you won't love me
when you've finished

and I don't want to see that happen.


How much do you know already?

By your skill set, you are, or were,
an intelligence agent.

Your accent is currently English,
but I suspect you are not.

You're on the run from something.

You've used your skills
to disappear.

Magnussen knows your secret, which
is why you were going to kill him.

And I assume you befriended
Janine in order to get close to him.

Oh, you can talk!

Oh, look at you two,
you should have got married.

The stuff Magnussen has on me,

I would go to prison for the rest of
my life.

So you were going to kill him? People
like Magnussen should be killed,

that's why there are people like me.

So that's what you were, an assassin?
How could I not see that?

You did see that.

And you married me.

Because he's right.

It's what you like.

So, Mary, any documents that
Magnussen has

concerning yourself,
you want extracted and returned.

Why would you help me?

Because you saved my life.

Sorry-sorry, what?

When I happened on you
and Magnussen... had a problem.

More specifically,
you had a witness.

What do you do now?

Kill both of us?


'The solution, of course, was
simple. Kill us both and leave.'

sentiment got the better of you.

'One precisely calculated shot
to incapacitate me,

'in the hope that it would buy you
more time to negotiate my silence.'

Of course,
you couldn't shoot Magnussen.

On the night both of us
broke into the building,

your own husband would
become a suspect. So...

'You calculated that Magnussen would
use the fact of your involvement...'

rather than sharing the information
with the police, as is his MO.

And then you left the way you came.

Have I missed anything?

How did she save your life?

She phoned the ambulance.
I phoned the ambulance.

She phoned first.

which service do you require?'

You didn't find me
for another five minutes.

Left to you, I would have died.

The average arrival
time for a London ambulance is...

Did somebody call an ambulance?

Eight minutes. Did you bring any
morphine? I asked on the phone.

We were told there was a shooting.

There was, last week.

But I believe I'm bleeding

my pulse is very erratic, you may need
to restart my heart on the way...

Jesus, Sherlock. Come on, Sherlock.

John, John,
Magnussen is all that matters now.

You can trust Mary -
she saved my life.

She shot you.

Mixed messages, I grant you that...

Sherlock! Sherlock! Take him.

Got him? Yeah.


So, have you read it?

Would you come here a moment?
No, tell me, have you?

Just... Come here.

No, I'm fine.

I've thought long and hard
about what I want to say to you.

These are prepared words, Mary.

I've chosen these words with care.


The problems of your past
are your business.

The problems of your future...

are my privilege.

It's all I have to say,
it's all I need to know.

No, I didn't read it.

You don't even know my name.

Is "Mary Watson" good enough for you?

Yes. Oh my God, yes.

Then it's good enough for me, too.


All this does not mean that I'm not
still basically pissed off with you.

Hmm, I know, I know.

I am very pissed off,
and it will come out now and then.

I know, I know, I know.

You can mow the sodding
lawn from now on.

I do mow the lawn. I do it loads.

You really don't.

I choose the baby's name.
Not a chance. OK.

I'm glad you've given up on the
Magnussen business. Are you?

I'm still curious, though. He's
hardly your usual kind of puzzle.

Why do you hate him?

Because he attacks people
who are different

and preys on their secrets.
Why don't you?

He never causes too much damage
to anyone important.

He's far too intelligent for that.

He's a businessman, that's all.
And occasionally useful to us.

A necessary evil,
not a dragon for you to slay.

A dragon-slayer.
Is that what you think of me?

No. It's what you think of yourself.

Are you two smoking?!

No. It was Mycroft.

I have, by the way, a job offer
I should like you to decline.

I decline your kind offer.

I shall pass on your regrets.

What was it? MI6. They want to
place you back into Eastern Europe.

An undercover assignment
that would prove fatal to you in,

I think, about six months.

Then why don't you want me
to take it?

It's tempting, but on balance, you
have more utility closer to home.

Utility! How do I have utility?

Here be dragons.

This isn't agreeing with me.

I'm going in.

You need low tar.
You still smoke like a beginner.


...your loss would break my heart.


What the hell am
I supposed to say to that?!

Merry Christmas? You hate Christmas.

Yes. Perhaps there was
something in the punch.

Clearly. Go and have some more.

So you realise that Sherlock got us out
here to see his mum and dad for a reason?

His lovely mum and dad, a fine
example of married life, I get that.

That is the thing with Sherlock,
it's always the unexpected.

Oi. Oi? Mary?

Jesus Christ! Mary? Sit down.

Mary, can you hear me?

Don't drink Mary's tea.

Or the punch.


Did you just drug my pregnant wife?!

Don't worry,
Wiggins is an excellent chemist.

I calculated your wife's dose
myself. Won't affect the little one.

I'll keep an eye on her.

He'll monitor their recovery.
It's more or less his day job.

What the hell have you done?!

A deal with the devil.

Shouldn't you be in hospital?

I am in hospital.
This is the canteen.

Is it? In my opinion, yes.
Have a seat.

Thank you.

I've been thinking about you.

I've been thinking about you.


I want to see Appledore.

Where you keep all the secrets,
all the files,

everything you've got on everyone.

I want you to invite me.

What makes you think
I'd be so careless?

Oh, I think you're a lot more
careless than you let on.

Am I?

It's the dead-eyed stare
that gives it away.

Except it's not dead-eyed, is it?

You're reading.

Portable Appledore.
How does it work?

Built-in flash drive? 4G wireless?

They're just ordinary spectacles.

Yes, they are.

You underestimate me, Mr Holmes.

Impress me, then. Show me Appledore.

Everything is available for a price.

Are you making me an offer?

A Christmas present.

And what are you giving me
for Christmas, Mr Holmes?

My brother.

Oh, Jesus!

Sherlock, please tell me you haven't
just gone out of your mind.

I'd rather keep you guessing.


Ah, there's our lift.



You want your wife to be safe?
Of course I do.

Good, because this is going to be
incredibly dangerous.

One false move and we'll have betrayed the
security of the United Kingdom and be in prison

for high treason. Magnussen is the most
dangerous man we've ever encountered

and the odds are
comprehensively stacked against us.

But it's Christmas! I feel the same.

Oh, you mean it's actually Christmas.
Did you bring your gun, as I suggested?

Why would I bring my gun to your parents' house
for Christmas dinner?! Is it in your coat? Yes.

Off we go, then. Where are we going?

I would offer you a drink,
but it's very rare and expensive.

Oh, it WAS you.

Yes, of course.

Very hard to find a pressure
point on you, Mr Holmes.

The drugs thing
I never believed for a moment.

Anyway, you wouldn't care
if it was exposed, would you?

But look how you
care about John Watson.

Your damsel in distress.

You put me in a fire, for leverage?!

Oh, I would never let you burn,
Dr Watson.

I had people standing by.
I'm not a murderer.

Unlike your wife.

Let me explain how leverage works,
Dr Watson.

For those who understand
these things,

Mycroft Holmes is the most powerful
man in the country.

Well, apart from me.

Mycroft's pressure point is his
junkie detective brother, Sherlock.

Sherlock's pressure point
is his best friend, John Watson.

John Watson's pressure
point is his wife.

I own John Watson's wife,
I own Mycroft.

He's what I'm getting for Christmas.

It's an exchange, not a gift.

Forgive me, but...

I already seem to have it.

It's password protected.

In return for the password,
you will give me any material

in your possession pertaining to the
woman I know as Mary Watson.

Oh, she's bad, that one.
So many dead people.

You should see what I've seen.
I don't need to see it.

You might enjoy it, though.
I enjoy it.

Then why don't you show us?

Show you Appledore?
The secret vaults.

Is that what you want?

I want everything you've
got on Mary.


You know, I honestly expected
something good.

Oh, I think you'll find the contents of
that laptop... Include a GPS locator.

By now your brother will
have noticed the theft

and the security services will be
converging on this house.

Having arrived, they'll find
top-secret information in my hands

and they have every justification
to search my vaults.

They will discover further
information of this kind

and I will be imprisoned.

You would be exonerated and restored
to your smelly little apartment

to solve crimes with
Mr and Mrs Psychopath.

Mycroft has been looking for this
opportunity for a long time.

He'll be a very, very proud
big brother.

The fact that you know it's going to
happen isn't going to stop it.

Then why am I smiling? Ask me.

Why are you smiling?

Because Sherlock Holmes has made
one enormous mistake,

which will destroy
the lives of everyone he loves.

And everything he holds dear.

Let me show you
the Appledore vaults.

The entrance to my vaults.

This is where I keep you all.

OK, so where are the vaults, then?

Vaults? What vaults? There are no
vaults beneath this building.

They're all in here.

The Appledore vaults
are my mind palace.

You know about mind palaces,
don't you, Sherlock?

How to store information so you
never forget it, by picturing it.

I just sit here, I close my eyes
and down I go to my vaults.

I can go anywhere inside my vaults.

My memories.

I'll look at the files
on Mrs Watson.



Oh, this is one of my favourites.

Oh, it's so exciting.

All those wet jobs for the CIA.

Ooh, she's gone a bit freelance now,
bad girl.


Oh, she's so wicked.

I can really see why you like her.

You see?

So there are no documents, you don't
actually have anything here?

Oh, sometimes
I send out for something,

if I really need it,
but mostly I just remember it all.

I don't understand.

You should have that on a T-shirt.
You just remember it all?

It's all about knowledge,
everything is. Knowing is owning.

But if you just know it,
then you don't have proof.

Proof? What would I need proof for?

I'm in news, you moron.

I don't have to prove it,
I just have to print it.

Speaking of news...

You'll both be heavily
featured tomorrow.

Trying to sell state secrets to me.

Tut tut.

Let's go outside.
They'll be here shortly.

Can't wait to see you arrested.

Sherlock, do we have a plan?


They're taking their time,
aren't they?

I still don't understand.

And there's the back of the T-shirt.

You just know things -
how does that work?

I just love your little soldier
face. I'd like to punch it.

Bring it over here a minute.

Come on. For Mary.
Bring me your face.


Lean forward a bit
and stick your face out.


Now, can I flick it?

Look at me. Can I flick your face?

I just love doing this.
I could do it all day.

Well, it works like this, John.

I know who Mary hurt and killed.

I know where to find
people who hate her.

I know where they live,
I know their phone numbers.

All in my mind palace, all of it.

I could phone them right now
and tear your whole life down...

...and I will,

unless you let me flick your face.

This is what I do to people.

This is what I do to
whole countries.

Just because I know.

Can I do your eye now?

See if you can keep it open, hmm?

Come on, for Mary. Keep it open.


Let him. I'm sorry, just... let him.

Hmm? Come on, eye open.


It's difficult, isn't it?

Janine managed to once.
She makes the funniest noises.

Sherlock Holmes and John Watson,
stand away from that man.

Here we go, Mr Holmes.

To clarify, Appledore's vaults only
exist in your mind,

nowhere else, just there?

They're not real,
they never have been.

Sherlock Holmes and John Watson,
step away!

It's fine, they're harmless.

'Target is not armed,
I repeat target is not armed.'

Sherlock, what do we do?

Nothing. There is
nothing to be done.

Oh, I'm not a villain,
I have no evil plan.

I'm a businessman, acquiring assets.
You happen to be one of them.

Sorry, no chance for you to be
a hero this time, Mr Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes and John Watson,
stand away from that man. Do it now!

Oh, do your research.

I'm not a hero,
I'm a high-functioning sociopath.

Merry Christmas!


'Man down, man down.'

Get away from me,
John! Stay well back!

Christ, Sherlock!

Don't fire! Do not
fire on Sherlock Holmes!

Do not fire!

Oh Christ, Sherlock!

Give my love to Mary.
Tell her she's safe now.

Oh, Sherlock.

What have you done?

As my colleague is
fond of remarking,

this country sometimes needs
a blunt instrument.

it sometimes needs a dagger,

a scalpel wielded with precision
and without remorse.

There will always come a time
when we need Sherlock Holmes.

If this is some expression
of familial sentiment...

Don't be absurd.

I am not given to
outbursts of brotherly compassion.

You know what
happened to the other one.

In any event, there is no prison in
which we could incarcerate Sherlock

without causing a riot
on a daily basis.

The alternative, however,
would require your approval.

Hardly merciful, Mr Holmes.

Regrettably, Lady Smallwood,
my brother is a murderer.

You will look after him for me,
won't you?

Hmm. Don't worry.
I'll keep him in trouble.

That's my girl.

Since this is likely to be the last
conversation I'll have with John Watson,

would you mind if we took a moment?

So here we are.

William Sherlock Scott Holmes.


That's the whole of it.
If you're looking for baby names.


No, we've had a scan,
we're pretty sure it's a girl.

Oh. OK.


You know, actually, I can't
think of a single thing to say.

No, neither can I.

The game is over.

The game is never over, John.

But there may be some
new players now.

That's OK, the East Wind takes us
all in the end. What's that?

It's a story my brother told me
when we were kids.

The East Wind is a terrifying force
that lays waste to all in its path.

It seeks out the unworthy
and plucks them from the earth.

That was generally me.

He's a rubbish big brother.

So what about you, then?
Where are you actually going now?

Oh, some undercover
work in Eastern Europe.

For how long?

Six months, my brother estimates.
He's never wrong.

And then what?

Who knows?

John, there's something I should
say, I've meant to say always

and I never have.

Since it's unlikely we'll ever meet
again, I might as well say it now.

Sherlock is actually a girl's name.

It's not.

It was worth a try.

We're not naming our daughter
after you.

Oh, I think it could work.

To the very best of times, John.

TV: 'Smith brings it inside.
This looks good.

'Cassandra comes in for a shot.
Ooh, he missed it!'

Oi, there's something wrong with the telly.
There's something wrong with the telly, mate.

Who's that?

DISTORTED VOICE: Did you miss me?

Did you miss me? Did you miss me?
Did you miss me? Did you miss me?

How is this possible?

We don't know, but it's on every
screen in the country.

Every screen simultaneously.

Has the Prime Minister been told?

And Mycroft?

But that's not possible. That is
simply not possible.

What's happened?
Sir? It's your brother.


'Hello, little brother.
How's the exile going?'

I've only been gone four minutes.

Well, I certainly hope you've
learnt your lesson.

'As it turns out, you're needed.'

Oh, for God's sake,
make up your mind!

Who needs me this time?

'Did you miss me? Did you miss me?
Did you miss me? Did you miss me?

'Did you miss me? Did you miss me?
Did you miss me? Did you miss me?'


But he's dead. I mean, you told me
he was dead, Moriarty?

Absolutely. Blew his own brains out.

So how can he be back?

Well if he is,
he'd better wrap up warm.

There's an East Wind coming.

Miss me?