Sherlock (2010–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - A Scandal in Belgravia - full transcript

Sherlock must confiscate something of importance from a mysterious woman named Irene Adler.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
'Who are you? Jim Moriarty.


'Consulting criminal.

'I have loved this,
this little game of ours.

'People have died.
That's what people DO!'

' will stop you.'

If you don't stop prying...

I'll burn you.

I will burn the heart out of you.

Catch you later.

No, you won't!

Sorry, boys!

I'm SO changeable!

It is a weakness with me,

but to be fair to myself,
it is my only weakness.

You can't be allowed to continue.

You just can't.

I would try to convince you,

but everything I have to say
has already crossed your mind.

Probably my answer
has crossed yours.

Do you mind if I get that?

No, please.

You've got the rest of your life.


Yes, of course it is.
What do you want?


Say that again, and know that
if you're lying to me,

I will find you,
and I will skin you.



Wrong day to die.

Did you get a better offer?

You'll be hearing from me, Sherlock.

So if you have what you say you
have, I will make you rich.

If you don't,

I'll make you into shoes.

What happened there?

Someone changed his mind.

The question is...


Well, now, have you been wicked,
Your Highness?

Yes, Miss Adler.

What are you typing?

Blog. About? Us.

You mean me. Why?

Well, you're typing a lot.

Right, then.

So, what have we got?

My wife seems to be spending a very
long time at the office. Boring.

I think my husband might be
having an affair. Yes.

She's not my real aunt,
she's been replaced.

I know she has.

I know human ash. Leave.

We are prepared to offer any
sum of money you care to mention

for the recovery
of these files. Boring.

We have this website, it explains
the true meaning of comic books,

cos people miss a lot of the themes.

But then all the comic books
started coming true.


Geek Interpreter, what's that?

That's the title.
What does it need a title for?

Do people actually read your blog?

Where do you think our clients
come from? I have a website.

In which you enumerate 240
different types of tobacco ash.

Nobody's reading your website.

Right then, dyed blonde hair,
no obvious cause of death,

except for these speckles,
whatever they are.

For God's sakes!

What? The Speckled Blonde?!

They wouldn't let us see
Granddad when he was dead.

Is that cos he'd gone to heaven?

People don't really go to heaven
when they die,

they're taken to a
special room and burned.


There was a plane
crash in Dusseldorf yesterday.

Everyone dead.
Suspected terrorist bomb.

We do watch the news.
You said "boring" and turned over.

Well, according to the flight details,
this man was checked in on board.

Inside his coat he's got a stub from his
boarding pass, napkins from the flight,

even one of those special biscuits.

Here's his passport,
stamped at Berlin Airport.

So this man should have died in a
plane crash in Germany yesterday,

but instead he's in a car boot
in Southwark.

Lucky escape.

Any ideas?

Eight so far.

OK, four ideas.

Maybe two ideas.

No, no, no,
don't mention the unsolved ones.

People want to know you're human.

Because they're interested.
No, they're not.

Why are they? look at that.

1,895. Sorry, what?

I reset that counter last night.
This blog has

had nearly 2,000 hits in
the last eight hours.

This is your living, Sherlock, not
240 different types of tobacco ash.


So what's this one?

Belly Button Murders?

The Navel Treatment?

There's a lot of press outside, guys.
Well, they won't be interested in us.

Yeah, that was before you were
an internet phenomenon.

A couple of them specifically wanted
photographs of you two.

God's sake!


Cover your face and walk fast.

Still, it's good for the public

big case like this.

I'm a private detective, the last
thing I need is a public image.


I think it's time, don't you?



The door was...

The door was...

Boys! You've got another one!

Tell us from the start,
DON'T be boring.


Are you OK?

Excuse me!

Are you all right?

Sir, phone call for you.


'Have you heard of Sherlock Holmes?'

Well, you're about
to meet him now.

This is your case, it's entirely
up to you, this is just...

'..friendly advice, but give Sherlock
five minutes on your crime scene,

'and listen to everything that he has
to say. And as far as possible... '

try not to punch him.


Sir, this gentleman says he needs
to speak to you... Yes, I know.

Sherlock Holmes.

John Watson. Are you set up
for wi-fi?

'You realise this is
a tiny bit humiliating?'

It's OK, I'm fine.


show me to the stream.

'I didn't really mean for you.'

Look, this is a six.

There's no point in my
leaving the flat for

anything less than a
seven, we agreed.

Now go back,

show me the grass.

When did we agree that?

We agreed it yesterday. Stop!

'Closer.' I wasn't even at home
yesterday. I was in Dublin.

It's hardly my fault
you weren't listening.

Shut up! 'Do you just carry
on talking when I'm away?

' I don't know, how
often are you away?


' me the car that backfired.

It's there.

'That's the one that made the noise,


If you're thinking gunshot...
'..there wasn't one.

'He wasn't shot,

'he was killed by a single blow
to the back from a blunt instrument,

'which then magically disappeared,
along with the killer.'

It's got to be an eight, at least.

You've got two more minutes,
they want to know more

about the driver.
Forget him, he's an idiot.

Why else would he think himself a
suspect? I think he's a suspect.

'Pass me over.' All right, but there's
a mute button, and I will use it.

Up a bit!
I'm not talking from down here!

OK. Just take it, take it.

'Having successfully committed
a crime without a single witness... '

why would he call the police
and consult a detective?

Fair play? He's trying to be clever.
It's overconfidence.

Did you see him?
Morbidly obese, the undisguised

halitosis of a single
man living on his own.

The right sleeve of an
internet porn addict, the

breathing pattern of an
untreated heart condition.

Low self-esteem, tiny IQ and
a limited life expectancy,

and you think he's a
criminal mastermind?!

Don't worry, this is just stupid.
What did you say? Heart what?

Go to the stream.

What's in the stream?

Go and see. Sherlock!
You weren't answering your doorbell.

His room's through the back,
get him some clothes.

Who the hell are you?
Sorry, Mr Holmes...

'Sherlock, what's going on?
' You're coming with us.

'What's happening?' I've lost him.
I don't know what...

Dr Watson? Yeah. It's for you.
OK, thanks. No, sir, the helicopter.

Please, Mr Holmes, where you're
going you'll want to be dressed.

I know exactly where I'm going.

You wearing any pants? No. OK.

At Buckingham Palace. Right.

Ha, ha. Aah, aah, I am seriously
fighting an impulse to steal an ashtray.

What are we doing here, Sherlock,
seriously, what? I don't know.

Here to see the Queen?

Apparently, yes.

Just once,
can you two behave like grown-ups?

We solve crimes, I blog about
it, and he forgets his pants.

I wouldn't hold out
too much hope.

I was in the middle of a case, Mycroft.
What, the hiker and the backfire?

I glanced at the police report,
a bit obvious, surely?

Time to move on then.

We are in Buckingham Palace, the
very heart of the British nation.

Sherlock Holmes,
put your trousers on! What for?

Your client.

And my client is...?

Illustrious, in the extreme.

And remaining, I have to inform you,
entirely anonymous.

Mycroft. Harry.

May I just apologise for the
state of my little brother.

A full-time occupation,
I imagine.

And this must be Dr John
Watson, formerly of the

Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers?
Hello, yes.

My employer is a tremendous
fan of your blog. Your employer?

Particularly enjoyed the one about the
aluminium crutch. Thank you...

And Mr Holmes the Younger.

You look taller in
your photographs.

I take the precaution of a
good coat and a short friend.

Mycroft, I don't do
anonymous clients.

I'm used to mystery at
one end of my cases,

both ends is too much work.
Good morning.

This is a matter of national
importance. Grow up!

Get off my sheet! Or what?

Or I'll just walk away.

I'll let you.
Boys, please... Not here.

Who is my client?

Take a look at where you're
standing, and make a deduction.

You are to be engaged by the highest
in the land, now, for God's sake!

Put your clothes on!

I'll be mother.

And there is a whole
childhood in a nutshell.

My employer has a problem.

A matter has come to
light of an extremely

delicate and potentially
criminal nature,

and in this hour of need, dear
brother, your name has arisen. Why?

We have a police force of sorts,
even a marginally secret service.

Why come to me?
People come to you for help, don't

they, Mr Holmes?
Not to date anyone with a navy.

This is a matter of the highest
security, and therefore of trust.

You don't trust your own
secret service? Naturally not.

They all spy on people for money.

I do think we have a timetable.

Yes, of course...

What do you know about this woman?

Nothing whatsoever.

Then you should be paying more

She's been at the centre of two
political scandals in the last year,

and recently ended the marriage
of a prominent novelist

by having an affair
with both participants separately.

You know I don't concern myself
with trivia.

Who is she?

Irene Adler.

Professionally known as "The Woman".


There are many names for what
she does. She prefers "dominatrix".

Dominatrix. Don't be alarmed.

It's to do with sex.

Sex doesn't alarm me.

How would you know?

She provides, shall we say,
recreational scolding

for those who enjoy
that sort of thing

and are prepared to pay for it.

These are all from her website.

And I assume this Adler woman has
some compromising photographs.

You're very quick, Mr Holmes.

Hardly a difficult deduction.
Photographs of whom?

A person of significance
to my employer.

We'd prefer not to say
any more at this time.

You can't tell us anything?

I can tell you it's a young person.

A young female person.

How many photographs?

A considerable number, apparently.

Do Miss Adler and this
young female person

appear in these photographs
together? Yes.

I assume in a number of
compromising scenarios?

An imaginative range,
we are assured.

John, you might want to put that cup
back in your saucer now.

Can you help us, Mr Holmes? How?
Will you take the case?

What case?

Pay her, now and in full.

As Miss Adler remarks in her
masthead, know when you are beaten.

She doesn't want anything.

She got in touch.

She informed us that the
photographs existed.

She indicated that she had no
intention to use them

to extort either money or favour.

A power play.

A power play with the most powerful
family in Britain.

Now that is a dominatrix. This
is getting rather fun, isn't it.

Sherlock... Where is she?

In London, currently.
She's staying...

Text me the details, I'll be in
touch by the end of the day.

Do you really think
you'll have news by then?

No, I think I'll have
the photographs.

One can only hope
you're as good as you seem to think.

I'll need some
equipment, of course.

Anything you require,
I'll have it sent...

Can I have a box of matches?
I'm sorry?

Or your cigarette lighter,
either will do.

I don't smoke. No, I know you don't,
but your employer does.

We have kept a lot of people
successfully in the dark

about this little fact, Mr Holmes.

I'm not the Commonwealth.

And that's as modest as he gets.

Pleasure to meet you.


OK, the smoking, how did you know?

The evidence was right under
your nose, John,

as ever you see, but do not observe.

Observe what? The ashtray.


We're going to have a visitor.

I'll need a bit of time
to get ready.

A long time?

.. Ages.

What are you doing?

I'm going to into battle, John.

I need the right armour.



Works for me.

Everything works on you.

So, what's the plan?

We know her address.

We just ring her doorbell?
Exactly. Just here, please.

You didn't even
change your clothes.

Then it's time to add
a splash of colour.

Are we here?

Two streets away, but this will do.

For what? Punch me in the face.



Punch you? Yes, punch me,
in the face. Didn't you hear me?

I always hear "punch me" when you
speak but it's usually sub-text.

For God's sakes!

Thank you, that was...

OK, I think we're done now, John!

You want to remember, Sherlock,
I was a soldier. I killed people.

You were a doctor!
I had bad days!

What are you going to wear?

My battle dress. Lucky boy.


Very sorry to disturb you, um,
I've just been attacked, um,

um, and I think they,
they took my wallet

and, um, and my phone.

Please could you help me?

I can phone the police, if you want?

Thank you. Could you, please?
Would you mind

if I just waited here,
just until they come?

Thank you, thank you so much.

Thank you.

I saw it all happen.

It's OK, I'm a doctor.
Have you got a first aid kit?

In the kitchen. Please.

Thank you. Thank you.

sorry to hear you've been hurt.

I don't think Kate caught your name?
I'm so sorry, I'm...

It's always hard to remember an alias
when you've had a fright. Isn't it?

Well, there now.

We're both defrocked...

Mr Sherlock Holmes.

Miss Adler, I presume.
Look at those cheekbones.

I could cut myself
slapping that face.

Would you like me to try?

Right, this should do it.

I've missed something, haven't I?

Please, sit down. Or if you'd like
some tea, I can call the maid.

I had some at the Palace.
I know. Clearly.

I had a tea too, at the Palace.
If anyone's interested.

Do you know the big problem
with a disguise, Mr Holmes?

However hard you try,
it's always a self-portrait.

You think I'm a vicar
with a bleeding face?

No, I think you're damaged,

and believe in a higher power.
In your case, it's yourself.

And somebody loves you.

If I had to punch that face,
I'd avoid your nose and teeth, too.

Could you put something on, please?

Anything at all. A napkin?
Why? Are you feeling exposed?

I don't think John knows
where to look.

No, I think he knows exactly where.

I'm not sure about you.

If I was to look at naked women,
I'd borrow John's laptop.

You do borrow my laptop.
I confiscate it.

Never mind, we've got better
things to talk about.

Now, tell me, I need to know

how was it done?


The hiker with the bashed-in head...
how was he killed?

That's not why I'm here.

You're here for the photographs,

but that's never going to happen
and as we're chatting...

That story's not out.
How do you know about it?

I know one of the policemen.
Well, I know what he likes.

And you... like policemen?

I like detective stories.
And detectives.

Brainy is the new sexy.

The position of the car
relative to the hiker,

that and the fact that the
death blow was to the

back of the head, that's
all you need to know.

OK, tell me,
how was he murdered? He wasn't.

You don't think it was murder?
I know it wasn't. How? The same way

I know the victim was a sportsman,
recently returned from foreign travel

and that the photographs I'm looking
for are in this room. OK, but how?

So they are in this room. Thank you.

John, man the door, let no-one in.

Two men alone in the countryside,
several yards apart and one car.

I, I thought you were looking
for the photos now. No, no.

Looking takes ages,
I'm just going to find them,

but you're clever and we've
got a moment, so let's

pass the time.
Two men, a car, nobody else.

Driver's trying to fix his engine.

Getting nowhere.

And the hiker is taking a moment,
looking at the sky.

Watching the birds? Any moment now,
something is going to happen. What?

The hiker is going to die.

No, that's the result.
What's going to happen?

I don't understand.
Well try to.

Why? Because you cater
to the whims of the pathetic

and take your clothes off
to make an impression.

Stop boring me and think.
It's the new sexy.

The car's going to backfire. There's
going to be a loud noise. So what?

Noises are important. They can
tell you everything. For instance...

Thank you.

On hearing a smoke alarm, a mother
would look towards her child.

Amazing how fire
exposes our priorities.

I really hope you don't have
a baby in here.

All right, John,
you can turn it off now.

I said you can turn it off now!

Give me a minute!

Thank you.

You should always use gloves
with these things, you know.

Heaviest oil deposit is always
on the first key used,

that's a 3, but after
that, the sequence is

impossible to read.
I see it's a six digit code.

It can't be your birthday,
no disrespect, but you

were born in the '80s and
8's barely used, so...

I'd tell you the code right now,
but you know what? I already have.


Hands behind your head,
on the floor, keep it still!

Sorry, Sherlock.
Miss Adler, on the floor!

Don't you want me on the floor, too?
No, sir, I want you to open the safe.

American. Interesting.
Why would you care?

Sir, the safe, now, please.
I don't know the code.

We've been listening,
she said she told you.

If you've been listening,
you'll know she didn't.

I assume I missed something.
From your reputation,

I assume you didn't, Mr Holmes.

She's the one
who knows the code, ask her!

Yes, sir, she also knows
the code that calls

the police and sets off
the burglar alarm.

I've learned not to trust her.
Mr Holmes doesn't... Shut up!

One more word out of you,

just one and I will decorate that
wall with the insides of your head.

That, for me,
will not be a hardship.

Mr Archer, at the count of three,
shoot Dr Watson. What?

I don't know the code. One.

I don't know the code. Two.
She didn't tell me, I don't know it!

I'm prepared to believe you,
any second now.

Three! No, stop!

Thank you, Mr Holmes.
Open it, please.

Vatican cameos!

Do you mind? Not at all.

He's dead. Thank you.
You were very observant. Observant?

I'm flattered. Don't be. Flattered?

There'll be more of them, they'll be
keeping an eye on the building.

We should call the police. Yes.

On their way. For God's sake!

Shut up, it's quick.

Check the rest of the house,
see how they got in.

Well, that's the knighthood
in the bag. And that's mine.

All the photographs are
on here, I presume?

I have copies, of course.
No, you don't.

You'll have permanently disabled
any kind of uplink or connection.

Unless the contents of this phone
are unique, you couldn't sell them.

Who said I'm selling?
Well, why would they be interested?

Whatever's on the phone, it's
clearly not just photographs.

That camera-phone is
my life, Mr Holmes.

I'd die before I let you take it.
It's my protection.

Sherlock! It was.

Must have come in this way. Clearly.

It's all right, she's just out cold.

God knows she's used to that.

There's a back door.
Better check it, Dr Watson.


You're very calm.

Well, your booby trap did just
kill a man. He would have killed me.

It was self defence in advance.

What is that?! What?

Give it to me.

Now. Give it to me.


Give it to me. No.

For goodness sake!

Drop it.

I... said... drop it!

Thank you, dear.

Now, tell that sweet little posh
thing the pictures are safe with me.

They're not for blackmail,
just for insurance.

I might want to see her again.

No no no no no.

It's been a pleasure.

Don't spoil it.

This is how I want you
to remember me,

the woman who beat you.

Goodnight, Mr Sherlock Holmes.

Jesus! What are you doing?
He'll sleep for a few hours.

Make sure he doesn't choke
on his own vomit, it

makes for a very unattractive corpse.
What's this?

What have you given him?
Sherlock? He'll be fine.

I've used it on loads of my friends.
Sherlock, can you hear me?

You know, I was wrong about him.
He did know where to look.

For what?
What are you talking about?

The key-code to my safe.
What was it?

Shall I tell him?

My measurements.

Got it!

Ssh ssh no, don't get up,
I'll do the talking.

So, the car's about to backfire and
the hiker, he's staring at the sky.

You said he could be watching
birds, but he wasn't, was he?

He was watching
another kind of flying thing.

The car backfires
and the hiker turns to look...

which was his big mistake.

By the time the driver looks
up, the hiker is already dead.

He doesn't see what killed him

because it's already being
washed downstream.

An accomplished sportsman recently
returned from foreign travel with...

a boomerang.

You got that from one look?

Definitely the new sexy.



Hush, now.

It's OK.

I'm only returning your coat.



You OK? How did I get here?

I don't suppose you remember much,
you weren't making a lot of sense.

I should warn you, I think
Lestrade filmed you on his phone.

Where is she? Where's who?
The woman, that woman. What woman?

The Woman! The Woman, woman!
Irene Adler?

She got away, no-one saw her.
She wasn't here, Sherlock.

What are you?
What? No, no, no. No. Back to bed.

You'll be fine in the morning.
Just sleep.

Of course I'll be fine,
I am fine. I'm absolutely fine.

Yes, you're great. Now,
I'll be next door if you need me.

Why would I need you?
No reason at all.

The photographs are perfectly safe.
In the hands of a fugitive sex worker?

She's not interested in blackmail.

She wants... protection,
for some reason.

I take it you've stood
down the police

investigation into the
shooting at her house?

How can we do anything while she has
the photographs? Our hands are tied.

She'd applaud your choice of words.

You see how this works? The camera-phone
is her get out of jail free card.

You have to leave her alone.
Treat her like royalty, Mycroft.

Though not the way she treats

What was that?

But what was that noise?

Did you know there were
other people after her too

before you sent John and I in there?

CIA trained killers, I think.
Thanks for that.

It's a disgrace, sending your little
brother into danger like that.

Family is all we have in the end,
Mycroft Holmes!

Shut up, Mrs Hudson!

Apologies. Thank you.
Though do in fact shut up.

It's a bit rude,
that noise, isn't it?

There's nothing you can do and nothing
she will do, as far as I can see.

I can put maximum
surveillance on her.

Why bother?
You can follow her on Twitter.

I believe her user name is
The Whip Hand.

Most amusing. Excuse me. Hello?

Why does your phone make that noise?

What noise?
That noise, the one it just made.

It's a text alert,
means I've got a text.

Your texts don't usually
make that noise.

Well, somebody got hold of the phone
and apparently as a joke,

personalised their text alert noise.

So every time they text you...

It would seem so.

Could you turn that phone down a
bit? At my time of life it's...

See I'm wondering who could have
got hold of your phone.

It would've been in your coat.
I'll leave you to your deductions.

I'm not stupid, you know.

Where do you get that idea?

Bond Air is go, that's decided.
Check with the Coventry lot.

Talk later.

What else does she have?

Irene Adler. The Americans
wouldn't be interested in her

for a couple of
compromising photographs.

There's more. Much more.

Something big's coming, isn't it?

Irene Adler is no longer
any concern of yours.

From now on,
you will stay out of this.

Will I? Yes, Sherlock.

You will.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have a long and arduous apology
to make to a very old friend.

Do give her my love.

Lovely, Sherlock. That was lovely.

Marvellous. Yes, very good.

I wish you could have worn
the antlers.

Some things are best left to the
imagination, Mrs Hudson. Mrs H?

No thank you, Sarah. No, no,
he's not good with names.

No, I can get this.

Sarah was the doctor, then there was
the one with the spots,

then the one with the nose and then,
who was after the boring teacher?

Nobody. Jeanette! Process
of elimination. Dear Lord.

Hello, everyone.
It said on the door to come up.

Hello, Molly. Hello, Molly!

Everybody saying hello to each
other, how wonderful!

Let me, er... Holy Mary!

So we're having Christmas drinkies?
No stopping them, apparently.

It's the one day of the year where
the boys have to be nice to me,

so it's almost worth it.

John? The counter on
your blog still says 1895.

No, Christmas is cancelled

And you've got a photograph of me
wearing that hat! People like it.

No, they don't. What people?
How's the hip?

It's atrocious,
but thanks for asking.

I've seen much worse,
but then I do post-mortems.

God, sorry.
Don't make jokes, Molly.

No, sorry. Here you are. Thank you.
I wasn't expecting to see you.

I thought you were in Dorset
for Christmas?

First thing in the morning, me and
the wife, back together, sorted.

No, she's sleeping with a PE

And John, I hear you're off
to your sister's? Yeah.

Sherlock was complaining. Saying.

First time ever, she's cleaned up
her act, off the booze.

Nope. Shut up, Sherlock!

I see you've got a new boyfriend, Molly.
You're serious about him. Sorry, what?

You're seeing him tonight, giving
him a gift. Take a day off.

Shut up. Have a drink.
Surely you see the

perfectly wrapped
present in the bag.

The others are slapdash.
It's for someone special.

The shade of red echoes her lipstick
... an unconscious association,

or one she's deliberately
trying to encourage.

Either way, Miss Hooper
has love on her mind.

That she's serious about him is clear
from the fact she's giving him a gift.

It suggests long-term hopes.

That she's seeing him tonight is
evident from her make-up and clothes.

Obviously trying to compensate for
the size of her mouth and breasts.

You always say such horrible things.

Every time. Always.


I am sorry. Forgive me.

Merry Christmas, Molly Hooper.

That wasn't, I didn't...

No, it was me. My God, really?

What? My phone.

Fifty seven? Sorry, what?

Fifty seven of those texts,
the ones I've heard.

Thrilling that you've been counting.

Excuse me.

What's up, Sherlock?

I said excuse me.
Do you ever reply?

Dear Lord, we're not going to have
Christmas phone calls now, are we?

Have they passed a new law?

I think you're going to find
Irene Adler tonight.

We already know where she is.

As you were kind enough to point
out, it hardly matters.

No, I mean you're going
to find her dead.

You OK? Yes.

The only one who fitted
the description.

Had her brought here,
your home from home.

You didn't need to come in, Molly.

It's OK, everyone else
is busy with... Christmas.

The face is a bit sort of bashed-up,
so it might be a bit difficult.

That's her, isn't it?
Show me the rest of her.

That's her.

Thank you, Miss Hooper.

Who is she? How did Sherlock
recognise her from... not her face?

Just the one. Why?
Merry Christmas.

Smoking indoors, isn't there one
of those... one of those law things?

We're in a morgue.

There's only
so much damage you can do.

How did you know she was dead?

She had an item in her possession,
one she said her life depended on.

She chose to give it up.
Where is this item now?

Look at them.

They all care so much.

Do you ever wonder
if there's something wrong with us?

All lives end,
all hearts are broken.

Caring is not an advantage,

This is low tar.

Well, you barely knew her.

Merry Christmas, Mycroft.

And a happy new year.

He's on his way.
Have you found anything?

No. Did he take the cigarette?
Yes. Shit!

He's coming, ten minutes.
There's nothing in the bedroom.

It looks like he's clean,
we've tried all the usual places.

Are you sure tonight's
a danger night?

No, but then I never am.
You have to stay with him, John.

I've got plans.



I am really sorry.

You know my friends are
so wrong about you?

You're a great boyfriend.
OK, that's good.

I always thought I was great.
Sherlock Holmes is a very lucky man.

Jeanette, please.

No, I mean it. It's heart-warming.
You'll do anything for him.

And he can't even tell
your girlfriends apart!

I'll do anything for you, just tell
me what it is I'm not doing.

Don't make me compete
with Sherlock Holmes!

I'll walk your dog. There, I've said
it, I'll even walk your dog.

I don't have a dog!
No, because that was the last one.

OK. Jesus! I'll call you. No! OK.

That really wasn't very good,
was it?


You OK?

I hope you didn't mess up
my sock index this time!

Lovely tune, Sherlock,
haven't heard that one before.


Helps me to think.

What are you thinking about?

The count on your blog
is still stuck at 1895.

Faulty, can't seem to fix it.

Faulty, or you've been hacked
and it's a message.

Just faulty.



Well, I'm going out for a bit.

Listen, has he ever had any
kind of girlfriend,

boyfriend, a relationship, ever?

I don't know.

How can we not know?

He's Sherlock.

How will we ever know what goes
on in that funny old head?

Right. See you.

John? Yeah? Hello?

So, any plans for new year tonight?

Nothing fixed.

Nothing I couldn't
heartlessly abandon.

You have any ideas? One.

You know,
Mycroft could just phone me,

if he didn't have this
bloody stupid power complex.

Couldn't we just go to a cafe?

Sherlock doesn't
follow me everywhere.

Through there.

He's on his way.

You were right,
he thinks it's Mycroft.

He's writing sad music.

Doesn't eat, barely talks,

only to correct the television.

I'd say he was heart-broken,
but, well he's Sherlock.

He does all that anyway.

Hello, Dr Watson.

Tell him you're alive.

He'd come after me.

I'll come after you if you don't.

I believe you.

You were dead on a slab.

It was definitely you.

DNA tests are only as good
as the records you keep.

And I bet you know the record keeper.
I know what he likes.

And I needed to disappear.

Then how come I can see you
and I don't even want to?

Look, I made a mistake,

I sent something to Sherlock for
safekeeping, now I need it back.

I need your help. No.
It's for his own safety.

So is this.
Tell him you're alive.

I can't. Fine, I'll tell him

and I still won't help you.
What do I say?

What do you normally say?!
You've texted him a lot!

Just the usual stuff.
There is no usual in this case.

"Good morning.
I like your funny hat.

"I'm sad tonight, let's have dinner.

" You look sexy on Crimewatch,
let's have dinner.

"I'm not hungry.

"Let's have dinner".

You flirted with Sherlock Holmes?
At him. He never replies.

No, Sherlock always replies
to everything.

He's Mr Punchline.

He will outlive God trying
to have the last word.

Does that make me special?

I don't know, maybe.
Are you jealous?

We're not a couple.
Yes, you are.

There, "I'm not dead."

"Let's have dinner".

Who the hell knows about
Sherlock Holmes? But for the record,

if anyone out there still cares,
I'm not actually gay.

Well, I am. Look at us both.

I don't think so, do you?

Stop it! Stop it!


Sherlock, Sherlock...
Don't snivel, Mrs Hudson,

it'll do nothing to impede
the flight of a bullet.

What a tender world that would be.

Please, Sherlock...

I believe that you have
something that we want, Mr Holmes.

Then why don't you ask for it?

I've been asking this one,
she doesn't seem to know anything.

But you know what I'm asking for,
don't you, Mr Holmes?

I believe I do.

Please, help.

First get rid of your boys.

Why? I dislike being outnumbered,

it makes for too much
stupid in the room.

You two, go to the car.
Then get into the car and drive away.

Don't try to trick me,
you know who I am, it doesn't work.

Next, you can stop pointing
that gun at me.

So you can point a gun at me?

I'm unarmed.

Mind if I check? I insist.


Thank you. You're all right now,
you're all right.

Jeez, what the
hell is happening?

Mrs Hudson has been
attacked by an American,

I'm restoring balance
to the universe.

Mrs Hudson, my God,
are you all right?

Jesus, what have they done to you?

I'm just being so silly.

Take her downstairs
and look after her.

It's all right,
I'll have a look at that.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Are you going to tell me
what's going on? I expect so, now go.


We've had a break-in
at Baker Street.

Send your least irritating officers
and an ambulance.

No, no, no, we're fine.

No, it's the burglar, he's
got himself rather badly injured.

A few broken ribs, fractured
skull, suspected punctured lung...

He fell out of a window.

It stings.

That was right on my bins.

And exactly how many times
did he fall out the window?

It's all a bit of a blur,
Detective Inspector.

I lost count.

She'll have to sleep
upstairs in our flat tonight,

we need to look after her.

No... She's fine.
No, she's not, look at her.

She's got to take some time
away from Baker Street.

She can stay with her sister,
doctor's orders.

Don't be absurd.
She's in shock, for God's sake,

and all over some stupid
camera-phone... where is it anyway?

Safest place I know.

You left it in the pocket of your
second best dressing gown, you clot!

I managed to sneak it out when
they thought I was having a cry.

Thank you.

Shame on you, John Watson.

Shame on me?
Mrs Hudson leave Baker Street?

England would fall.

Where is it now?

Where no-one will look.

Whatever's on that phone
is more than just pictures.

Yes, it is.

So, she's alive then.

How are we feeling about that?

Happy New Year, John.

Do you think you'll be
seeing her again?

Is that a phone?
It's a camera-phone.

And you're x-raying it?
Yes, I am.

Whose phone is it? A woman's.

Your girlfriend?

She's my girlfriend because
I'm x-raying her possessions?

Well, we all do silly things! Yes...

they do, don't they?

Very silly.

She sent this to my address.

She loves to play games. She does?

Hey, Sherlock...

We have a client.

What, in your bedroom?

So, who's after you?

People who want to kill me.
Who's that?


It would help if you were
a tiny bit more specific.

So you faked your own death
to get ahead of them?

It worked for a while.

Except you let John know
you're alive, therefore me.

I knew you'd keep my secret.

You couldn't.

But you did, didn't you?

Where's my camera-phone?

It's not here.

We're not stupid.

What have you done with it?

If they've guessed,
they'll be watching you.

Then they'll know I took
a safety deposit box

at a bank on the Strand
a few months ago.

I need it.

Well, we can't just go
and get it, can we?

Molly Hooper, she could collect it,
take it to Barts.

Then one of your homeless network could
bring it here, leave it in the cafe,

one of the boys downstairs
could bring it up the back.

Very good, John, excellent plan,
full of intelligent precautions.

Thank you.
So, why don't I phone...

So, what do you keep on here?

In general, I mean?

Pictures, information,
anything I might find useful.

For blackmail? For protection.

I make my way in the world,
I misbehave.

I like to know people will be on my
side exactly when I need them to be.

So how do you acquire this information?
I told you I misbehave.

But you've acquired something
more danger than protection.

Do you know what it is? Yes...

but I don't understand it.

I assumed. Show me.

The passcode.

It's not working.

No, because it's
a duplicate I had made

into which you just
entered the numbers 1058.

I assumed you'd choose something more
specific than that, but thanks, anyway.

I told you that
camera-phone was my life.

I know when it's in my hand.

You're rather good.

You're not so bad.


John Hamish Watson, just
if you were looking for baby names.

There was a man, an MOD official
and I knew what he liked.

One of the things
he liked was showing off.

He told me this email was going
to save the world.

He didn't know but I photographed it
... he was a bit tied up at the time.

It's a bit small on that screen,
can you read it?

Yes. Code, obviously.

I had one of the country's
best cryptographers take a look,

though he was mostly upside down,
as I recall.

Couldn't figure it out.

What can you do, Mr Holmes?

Go on, impress a girl.

There's a margin for error,

but I'm pretty sure
there's a 747 leaving

Heathrow tomorrow at
6.30 for Baltimore.

Apparently it's going to
save the world, I'm not sure how,

but give me a moment, I've only
been on the case eight seconds.

Come on, it's not code,
these are seats on a jet.

Look, no 'I' because
it can be mistaken for one.

No letters past 'K'
the width of the plane is the limit.

The numbers always appear
not in sequence,

but the letters have
little runs of sequence

families and couples
sitting together.

Only a Jumbo's wide enough
for a letter 'K' or

rows past 55, so there's
always an upstairs.

A row 13 eliminates
superstitious airlines.

The style of the flight number,
'007', eliminates a few more.

Assuming a British point of origin
because of the original source,

and assuming the crisis is imminent,
the only flight that matches

all the criteria and
departs within the week is

the 6.30 to Baltimore
tomorrow from Heathrow.

Please don't feel obliged to tell me
that was amazing,

John's expressed that in every
possible variant available in English.

I would have you right here,
on this desk,

until you begged for mercy twice.

John, can you check those
flight schedules, see if I'm right?

I'm on it, yeah.

I've never begged for mercy
in my life.


Yeah, you're right,
flight double 'o' seven.

What did you say? You're right.

No, what did you say after that?

Double 'o' seven,
flight double 'o' seven.

Double 'o' seven,
double 'o' seven...

Something, double 'o' seven...


Double 'o' seven,
double 'o' seven, what?

What, something, what?!

Bond Air is go.

Bond Air is go.

Bond Air is go.

'Bond Air is go, that's decided.

'Check with the Coventry lot.'

Coventry. I've never been.

Is it nice?

Where's John?

He went out, a couple of hours ago.

I was just talking to him.

He said you do that.

What's Coventry got to do
with anything?

It's a story, probably not true

in the Second World
War, the Allies knew

Coventry was going to
get bombed, because

they'd broken the German code, but
didn't want the Germans to know that,

so they let it happen anyway.
Have you ever had anyone?

I'm sorry?

And when I say had,
I'm being indelicate.

I don't understand.
I'll be delicate then.

Let's have dinner. Why?

You might be hungry.
I'm not. Good.

Why would I... want to have dinner...

if I wasn't hungry?

Mr Holmes,
if it was the end of the world,

if this was the very last night...

would you have dinner with me?


Too late.

That's not the end of the world,
that's Mrs Hudson.

Sherlock, this man was at the door,
is the bell still not working?

He shot it.

Have you come to take me away again?

Yes, Mr Holmes. Well, I decline.

I don't think you do.

There's going to be a bomb
on a passenger jet.

The British and Americans
know about it,

but rather than expose
their source they're going

to let it happen
the plane will blow up.

Coventry all over again.

The wheel turns,
nothing is ever new.

Well, you're looking all better.

How you feeling?

Like putting a bullet in your brain,

They'd pin a medal on me if I did...


The Coventry conundrum.

What do you think of my solution?

The flight of the dead.

Plane blows up midair, mission
accomplished for the terrorists,

hundreds of casualties,
but nobody dies.

Neat, don't you think?

You've been stumbling around
the fringes of this one for ages.

Or were you too bored
to notice the pattern?

They wouldn't let us see Granddad
when he was dead.

She's not my real aunt
I know human ash.

We ran a similar project with
the Germans a while back,

though I believe one of our
passengers didn't make the flight.

But that's the deceased for you...

late, in every sense of the word.

How is the plane going to fly?

Of course, unmanned aircraft,
hardly new.

It doesn't fly.

It will never fly.

This entire project is cancelled.

The terrorist cells have been
informed we know about the bomb.

We can't fool them now.

We've lost everything.

One fragment of one email,

and months and years of planning

Your MOD man.
That's all it takes.

One lonely, naive man,
desperate to show off,

and a woman clever enough
to make him feel special.

You should screen your
defence people more carefully.

I'm not talking about the MOD man,
Sherlock, I'm talking about you!

The damsel in distress.

In the end,
are you really so obvious?

Because this was textbook.

The promise of love, the pain
of loss, the joy of redemption.

Then give him a puzzle
and watch him dance.

Don't be absurd!


How quickly did you decipher
that email for her?

Was it the full minute?

Or were you really eager to impress?

I think it was less than
five seconds.

I drove you into her path.

I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Mr Holmes, I think we need to talk.

So do I, there are a number of
aspects I'm still not clear on.

Not you, Junior, you're done now.

There's more, loads more.

On this phone I've got secrets,

and scandals that could
topple your whole world.

You have no idea how much havoc I can
cause and exactly one way to stop me.

Unless you want to tell
your masters

that your biggest security leak
is your own little brother.

We have people
who can get into this.

I tested that theory for you.

I let Sherlock Holmes
try it for six months.

Sherlock, dear, tell him what you
found when you x-rayed my phone.

Four additional units
wired inside the casing,

I suspect containing acid
or a small explosive.

Any attempt to open it
will burn the hard drive.


It's more me.

Some data is always recoverable.

Take that risk.

You have a passcode to open this.

I deeply regret to say, we have
people who can extract it from you.

Sherlock? There will be
two passcodes

one to open the phone,
one to burn the drive.

Even under duress, you can't know
which one she's given

and there would be no second
attempt. He's good, isn't he?

I should have him on a leash.

In fact, I might.

We destroy this, then.
No-one has the information.

Fine, good idea.

Unless there are lives
of British citizens

depending on the information
you burn.

Are there?
Telling you would be playing fair.

I'm not playing any more.

A list of my requests,

and some ideas about my protection
once they're granted.

I'd say it wouldn't blow
much of a hole in the

wealth of a nation, but
then I'd be lying.

I imagine you'd like to sleep on it.
Thank you, yes.

Too bad.

Off you pop and talk to people.

You've been very... thorough.

I wish our lot were
half as good as you.

I can't take all the credit,
I had a bit of help.

Jim Moriarty sends his love.

Yes, he's been in touch.

Seems desperate for my attention,

which I'm sure can be arranged.

I had all this stuff and
never knew what to do with it.

Thank God for
the consultant criminal.

Gave me a lot of advice about how
to play the Holmes boys.

Do you know what he calls you?

The Ice Man...

and the Virgin.

Didn't even ask for anything,
he just likes to cause trouble

that's my kind of man.

And here you are,

the dominatrix who brought
a nation to its knees.

Nicely played.



I said no.

Very, very close, but no.

You got carried away.

The game was too elaborate,
you were enjoying yourself too much.

There's no such thing as too much.

Enjoying the thrill
of the chase is fine.

Craving the distraction of the game,
I sympathise, but sentiment?

Sentiment is a chemical defect
found in the losing side.

What are you talking about?


Dear God.

Look at the poor man.

You don't actually think
I was interested in you?


Because you're the great
Sherlock Holmes,

the clever detective
in the funny hat?


Because I took your pulse.


Your pupils dilated.

I imagine John Watson thinks
love's a mystery to me,

but the chemistry is incredibly
simple and very destructive.

When we first met, you
told me that disguise

is always a self-portrait
- How true of you.

The combination to your safe,
your measurements

but this,
this is far more intimate,

this is your heart and you should
never let it rule your head.

You could have chosen any number
and walked out with everything.

But you just couldn't resist it,
could you?

I've always assumed that love
is a dangerous disadvantage.

Thank you for the final proof.

Everything I said, it's not real.

I was just playing the game.

I know.

And this is just losing.

There you are, Brother,

hope the contents make up for any
inconvenience caused tonight.

I'm certain they will.
If you're feeling kind, lock her up,

let her go and I doubt
she'll survive long.

Are you expecting me to beg?


You're right.

I won't even last six months.

Sorry about dinner.

You don't smoke.

I also don't frequent cafes.

This the file on Irene Adler?

Closed forever.

I am about to go
and inform my brother

or, if you prefer, you are

that she somehow got herself into a
witness protection scheme in America.

New name, new identity.

She will survive and thrive...

but he will never see her again.

Why would he care?

He despised her at the end.

Won't even mention her by name,
just 'The Woman'.

Is that loathing or a salute?

One of a kind,
the one woman who matters.

He's not like that.

He doesn't feel things that way,
I don't think.

My brother has the brain
of a scientist or a philosopher,

yet he elects to be a detective.

What might we deduce
about his heart?

I don't know.

Neither do I.

But, initially,
he wanted to be a pirate.

He'll be OK with this

witness protection, never
seeing her again

he'll be fine.

I agree.

That's why I decided
to tell him that.

Instead of what?

She's dead.

She was captured by a terrorist
cell in Karachi two months ago

and beheaded.

It was definitely her?

She's done this before.

I was thorough this time.

It would take
Sherlock Holmes to fool me,

and I don't think
he was on hand, do you?


What shall we tell Sherlock?

Clearly you've got news.

If it's about the Leeds triple
murder, it was the gardener.

Did nobody notice the earring? Hi.

No, it's, um... it's about
Irene Adler.


Something happened?
Has she come back?

No, she's... I bumped into Mycroft
downstairs, he had to take a call.

Is she back in London?



She's in America.

Got herself on a witness protection
scheme, apparently.

Don't know how she swung it,
but... well, you know.

I know what? You won't be able
to see her again.

Why would I want to see her again?
Didn't say you did.

Is that her file? Yes, I was going
to take it back to Mycroft.

Do you want to... No.

Listen, actually...

But I will have
the camera-phone though.

There's nothing on it, it's been
stripped... I know, but I...

I'll still have it.

I've got to give this back to
Mycroft, you can't keep it.

Sherlock, I have to give this to
Mycroft, it's the government's now...


Thank you.

Well, I'd better take this back.

Did she ever text you again,
after all that?

Once, a few months ago.

What did she say?

"Goodbye, Mr Holmes."

When I say run...


The Woman.

THE Woman.