Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell (2012–2018): Season 14, Episode 8 - Episode #14.8 - full transcript
Hey, it's going to be very difficult
for Shaun Micallef
to be able to send this up.
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(THEME MUSIC)
# Wiki-wah
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
Good evening, welcome, and -
well, I don't think I could put it
any better than this.
Hello!
(LAUGHTER)
Now, in the lead-up
to a federal election,
federal governments tend to watch
state elections very closely.
Now, South Australia had one
on the weekend, and normally
not even South Australians would
have paid too much attention to it,
but so close is it
to the likely federal election date
that it's a great opportunity for us
all to take the nation's temperature
with the rectal thermometer
that is state politics.
Now, usually an essential ingredient
in the recipe for success
is that if the PM and the premier
are of the same political stripe,
the PM will visit the state
and be seen pretending
that he likes the premier
so that some of that
prime ministerial magic
rubs off come polling day.
Unfortunately, in the week leading
up to the SA vote, the PM was in WA,
and if there was any
rubbing off going on,
it was the PM hoping he could get
some flakes of Mark McGowan
all over himself.
(LAUGHTER)
So, instead of seasoning
the SA election with a current PM,
Premier Steve Marshall had to make
do with one we prepared earlier.
(LAUGHTER)
Much, much earlier.
Still, the old John Howard magic
which saw him lose his own seat
and the election back in 2007
was just enough to get
Steve Marshall what he wanted -
assuming what he wanted was
not being premier anymore
and his party losing 13 seats.
Now, an interesting curio
from the PM's press conference
with Mark McGowan last week -
apart from this...
MAN: (SHOUTS) Fuckin' scumbag!
Thank you...
(LAUGHTER)
..was, um...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
..was his denial
that he'd ever likened
WA's closed-border policy
during the pandemic
to the semi-popular animated
children's film The Croods.
This despite saying at the time
of the WA border closure...
Now, it's like that movie
in The Croods.
People wanted to stay in the cave,
some wanted to stay in the cave,
and that young girl, she wanted
to go out and live again
and deal with the challenges
of living in a different world.
Well, COVID is a new
different world.
Crane Girdle, you're an expert
on pop culture references.
I am, Shaun.
My life is nothing but
an endless feedback loop
of film, TV and comic book memes.
I am incapable of original thought!
OK, well, what was the PM referring
to when he referenced The Croods
if not the Western Australian
people?
Yes, a fascinating question, Shaun.
Thank you.
If Mark McGowan is Grug, the father,
then that would suggest
that Eep, his daughter,
is the West Australian people,
keen to see the world -
or, at least, the then
COVID-infested rest of Australia.
The hero, Guy, is then the PM,
and his pet sloth, Belt,
is the health minister, Greg Hunt.
Alright, so, the, uh...
(LAUGHTER)
..so, the analogy holds?
Well, it certainly works better than
Up or Boss Baby or Angry Birds 2.
And it's safer for the Morrison
government to talk about
than Ice Age or Frozen
and, of course, Mulan.
(LAUGHTER)
But it's far less annoying
than Peter Rabbits 1 and 2,
but that's mainly
because of James Corden.
Alright, well, doesn't the analogy
come back to bite the PM, though?
Because, of course,
an earthquake destroys the cave
and everyone runs
into the jungle and...
Yeah, and y-y-yes, a-and then
they... they encounter piranhakeets
that devour a grounded whale,
but Grug saves the family
and - spoiler alert! -
escapes back to them over the ravine
in an airship made
of the whale's ribcage
fastened to the aforesaid
piranhakeets.
Alright, now,
although the PM says...
I like the movie.
..do you think...
(LAUGHTER)
..do you think he's aware...
No, I don't.
No, no, let me finish.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh.
Do you think that he's aware
that the film is based on
Plato's allegory of the cave,
a parable about the difference
between belief and knowledge -
or, in other words,
the constraints of religious dogma
that the PM holds dear
versus the freedom of
actually embracing reality?
My favourite character
is Belt the sloth...
(LAUGHTER)
..who Guy uses as a belt.
(APPLAUSE)
Crane Girdle there, looking at life
through the prism of pop culture.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
But with an election in SA
and the PM off
shoring up support in WA
and the Labor Party getting ready
to stumble at the last hurdle,
it got me thinking about
democracy in this country -
a subject I think could do with
a demitasse of Plain Speakin'.
(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)
(PIG SQUEALS)
Now, I like to think of democracy
as a never-ending custody battle
in which we'll eventually end up
being looked after by somebody
but we'll all be emotionally scarred
forever by the process.
Now, at the moment,
our parents are these guys.
Dad's...
(LAUGHTER)
Dad's a pretty old-school
'do as I say or I'll background
against you' kind of guy,
and Mum's a salt-of-the-earth,
'do anything for you
except my job properly' farm girl.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, the head of the family,
who has complained to
the authorities on our behalf
and is trying to adopt us,
is like a fantastical
Willy Wonka figure,
promising to spoil us rotten
and let us do whatever we want,
but only if on the big day
we tell the judge
that we'd like them to be our
parents instead of the other lot.
Now, the two sides
don't like each other
Now, the two sides
and are constantly fighting
and telling us how terrible
each other are,
but even within each group,
there are troubles.
This lot are a mixed marriage
and there are cultural differences.
While this lot are riven
with factional divides,
and the big question
this week has been
whether they should air
their dirty laundry in public
or whether they should just
turn it inside out
and continue wearing it
until election day...
(LAUGHTER)
..only then showing it to us
and revealing their true colours.
Now, the Liberal Party,
to their credit
and regardless of how soiled
their unmentionables are,
will always proudly wear them
on the outside of their clothes
for all the world to see.
They don't care what we think.
And the Nationals,
on the other hand,
choose not to wear
any underwear at all,
regarding them as an affectation
of inner-city latte-sipping elites.
Well, political parties,
if you're watching,
speaking on behalf of the ABC,
we don't care how unspeakably
stained your dirty laundry is.
Just so long as
you increase our funding,
we're happy to look the other way.
Who's with me?!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
OK.
Now, coming up later in Sport,
who did it best,
President Barack Obama...
..or Stuart Robert?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
We're just asking the question.
Alright.
But right now, with his regular
risible finance burlesque,
here's Tosh Greenslade
in a wig and glasses.
That's exactly right, Shaun.
The financial markets have a phrase
for the current economic conditions
we're experiencing at the moment -
a (BLEEP BLEEP) of (BLEEP BLEEP
BLEEP BLEEP) arse-bollocks.
The price of petrol is going
through the roof -
if you're lucky to have one
over your head -
interest rates are tipped to rise,
wages aren't,
national debt and deficit
is booming,
yet, defiantly,
treasurer Josh Frydenberg claims
the Coalition government
is best placed
to help people cope with
the rising cost of living.
Which is not to say that they will,
just that they're best placed to
if the mood takes them.
Their approach is known
as economic terrorism.
The ballooning
national debt and deficit
is a complex explosive device
that the treasurer has strapped
to the country,
and now he's trying to convince us
that only the government knows
how to disarm it
and that Anthony Albanese would cut
the red wire instead of the blue one
and blow the joint up.
And tonight's graph shows
the average age of children
compared to the colour of tractors.
And that's finance. Shaun.
(LAUGHTER)
Thanks very much, Tosh.
Tosh Greenslade there.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Absolutely.
Tosh Greenslade there
in a wig and glasses
doing what satire does best -
cramming an arbitrary point of view
down your throat
with a smug, shit-eating grin
on its face.
(LAUGHTER)
The fact remains, though,
that the federal budget gets
handed down next week,
but the PM is being coy
about what's in it.
Does it, for example, have
a cut in the fuel excise?
Ooooh!
(LAUGHTER)
And the treasurer, too,
didn't want to tell us
what he's giving us or taking away
from us this Budgetmas:
Gland Paradox from
the treasurer's office,
you told us the tax on draught beer
would be cut in the budget.
Why not give us the good oil
on the fuel excise?
Ah, but that would spoil
the surprise, Shaun,
and there's nothing quite like
the look of delight
on people's faces on budget eve
when they see what we have
in store for them!
(LAUGHTER)
Would 'delight' describe
the look on the faces
of those reliant on the NDIS when
they hear that it's being slashed?
We'll have to wait and see, Shaun.
Only six more sleeps!
(LAUGHTER)
Seven if you include the reading
of the budget itself by Josh.
I'm sure all Australians will be
glued to their televisions
come Tuesday.
Well, sure, yeah.
Married At First Sight is on.
(LAUGHTER)
But I'm afraid I'm under strict
instructions from the treasurer
But I'm afraid I'm under strict
not to give anything away.
The key plank in LNP policy
since 1944.
So you can't tell us anything
about the budget?
Well, I can tell you
that it's this big and this thick.
Oh, you tease!
And see? Look. Look!
The cover's all shiny and lovely!
We had them printed
off Jim Chalmers's photocopier.
Give me that!
Oi! Give that back!
You nasty pasty! Boo!
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
Boo!
Hang on, these pages are all blank!
(LAUGHTER)
We're still working on
some of the detail.
But when we're done, boy,
are you going to be surprised!
Really?
Yes.
We're selling the ABC to News Corp
for use as a car park.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, Gland, thank you very much
for coming in.
Please accept this Bunnings
combination sausage and...
(LAUGHTER)
..and...
..this Bunnings combination sausage
and COVID booster shot.
Enjoy another six months' protection
from the COVID-19 virus -
not from the sausage, obviously.
(LAUGHTER)
Delish!
OK, now, who's...
(HORRIFIED LAUGHTER)
What?!
OK, well, so, who's in the mood
for a feel-good story
that has nothing
to do with politics?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Alright, I'll see
if I've got one. Uh...
(LAUGHTER)
OK. Well, here's...
Look, here's a good one.
This is one about Prince William
holding an umbrella
over his wife Kate's head
outside Westminster
to stop her getting rained on.
UK backpackers Myfawny and Becky,
is this what it appears to be -
an inspirational moment
in a world sorely in need
of reminding about the triumph
of the human spirit?
(COCKNEY ACCENT) Oh, yeah. Weren't
it lovely what he did for her?
Like, it were raining, yeah, and he
comes up with something like that.
Made me bleedin' turn on the water
works, it did, make no mind!
(COCKNEY ACCENT) Yeah,
he could have let her get wet,
but, you know,
he's such a gentleman.
I tell you what, he can unfurl
his umbrella over me
anytime he likes, make no mistake!
I wouldn't kick him outta bed
if he crapped in it!
(BOTH LAUGH)
Yeah, it was a selfless gesture
in a world gone mad, yeah?
Oh, he's a gentleman,
that's what he is.
He's a gentleman
who knows how to treat a lady.
Like, he could have pushed her down
the Embankment and into the Thames,
but no, he held an umbrella
over her bonce!
Yeah, he could have got in his Rolls
and spun the wheels
and spattered her with mud
and then drove off
and had his way with me and Becky
in a three-way, but no.
(LAUGHTER)
He's a gentleman.
Yeah. It makes you think, don't it,
what a terrific example
them royals set for the rest
of us common folk, yeah.
Makes you forget, like, for a moment
all about the inbreeding
and the haemophilia
and the madness of King George
and Jack the Ripper
and even Prince Andrew.
Mmm.
(APPALLED LAUGHTER)
Alright, well, thank you
very much, ladies.
I hope you enjoy your stay
in Australia
picking fruit for almost nothing.
BOTH: Whoo!
OK.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS) And, um...
And would you accept for coming
along tonight and being our guests
a 2022 Prime Ministerial Planner?
(GAME SHOW MUZAK)
VOICEOVER: That's right, Shaun.
It's time to get organised.
With the 2022
Prime Ministerial Planner,
you can set down in writing
a targeted, measured and scalable
plan for your year
in accordance with your bold vision
for the future.
The versatile layout
provides plenty of room
to list your priorities
for the year ahead
and, using your strategic foresight
and aligning with
your highest principles,
record your goals
with clarity and conviction.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, now, coming up, we look at
some of the fascinating images
from the pre-election campaign
so far,
including this one of
the prime minister in waiting
seen here with Anthony Albanese.
(LAUGHTER)
Speaking of Labor, the election
campaign hasn't even started yet
and already,
they're boring us to tears
with their interminable refrain
that everything's going up
except people's wages.
Four seconds can't go by without
some berk from the opposition -
often not even this one -
regurgitating that pearl of tedium.
Yeah, alright, we heard you
the first trillion times!
Obviously, they're right, of course,
it's a good point,
and the rising cost of living
will particularly hit pensioners.
They have to put petrol
in their car.
When they get to the supermarket
to buy products,
they find that everything's gone up.
Mmm. Presumably Albo's solution is
to send them all a text message
before they go.
(LAUGHTER)
It IS getting out of hand, though,
when you read
that Australians could be forced
to pay up to $7
for a regular cup of coffee.
Seven dollars! My God! You can get
two litres of petrol for that!
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Another thing that caught my eye
this week about Labor
was their $750 million
blitz of promises
to fund pools, roads and
sports facilities in marginal seats.
Now, granted, at first blush,
that appears hypocritical,
but dig a little deeper
and you'll confirm that it is.
(LAUGHTER)
Just as Labor are in lockstep
with the government on China,
so they are on rorting.
Nothing to worry about
for you swinging voters out there -
rest assured that
a change of government will mean
no change to the cynical use
of taxpayer funds.
Fair enough, primal scream therapist
to the PM Donald McEngadine?
Well, I reject the presumption
of your question, Shaun.
To imply that just because
WA premier Mark McGowan
is the most popular
government leader in the country,
ScoMo would go over there last week
to make it look to
the Western Australian voters
that he and the premier
might actually be
in the same political party
is simply not true.
Yes, he came bearing gifts -
or, at least,
the promises of gifts -
but he wasn't trying to buy
people's votes.
As ScoMo made very clear...
We'll be moving forward with some
up to $4.3 billion in investment.
"Some" $4.3 billion?
(LAUGHTER)
Can't tell us WHICH $4.3 billion?
He hasn't worked out
where he's getting it from?
Any old $4.3 billion he can find
will do, Shaun.
What's important is
that it sounds a lot.
Well, maybe you could grab it
from the Emergency Response Fund.
There's $4.8 billion there
doing nothing.
Not exactly doing nothing -
it's attracting a lot of interest.
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Particularly from people
along the east coast
who wouldn't mind seeing some of it.
Look, what you've
got to remember, Shaun,
is that ScoMo didn't actually
hand over a giant novelty cheque
that they can go down the bank
and cash
to those sandgropers over there.
It was the PROMISE
of a giant novelty cheque
should voters change sides
and deliver him another four years
at the coalface.
Oh, and when I say "coalface",
I'm not talking about Matt Canavan.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm talking about the precipice
between ScoMo doing
what he does best
and not doing anything at all
in a timely and effective way
but, rather, lurching
from crisis to crisis
like a half-tranquillised
circus elephant in a baseball cap.
(LAUGHTER)
Donald, can I...
(APPLAUSE)
Donald, can I ask you about the PM's
comments about the way Albo looks?
It's pretty common for politicians
to spruce themselves up a bit
in the run-up to an election.
I mean, John Howard, he would get
his three-yearly eyebrow trim.
Paul Keating would start
shaving twice a day.
Even Robert Menzies would get
a face peel and a butt lift.
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, what's he done?
He's bought himself some new glasses
and some new suits.
Well, Shaun, it's like
ScoMo has always said -
he's pretending to be someone else,
someone he isn't.
And I think the Australian people
see through that.
They can spot a fake a mile off
and they don't like it.
They won't vote for it.
Our research shows
they like authenticity,
not the product of some focus group.
They respond favourably
to a what-you-see-is-what-you-get-
whether-you-like-it-or-not,
Sharkies-supporting opposite
of Malcolm Turnbull, warts and all.
Yeah, what about if he's
mainly just warts?
Well, I think ScoMo has always said
it best, Shaun, when he said...
I'm not pretending
to be anyone else.
I'm still wearing
the same sunglasses.
Sadly, the same suits.
(PAUL LAUGHS)
And I weigh about the same!
(LAUGHS)
So, I'm happy in my own skin and I'm
not pretending to be anyone else.
So he's saying that Albo is
secretly a daggy fat guy
trying to deceive us
by disguising himself
as some other,
slim, fashionable guy?
Well, of course he is.
And if he gets elected,
he'll just stack the weight back on
until he's the same size as ScoMo.
Yeah. What if Anthony Albanese
was a woman?
Is he? Do you know something?
No, no, no.
But if he... if he was,
would Scott Morrison say,
"Oh, she's pretending to be
someone else.
"She's really a fat woman"?
Well, no, because
it's different with women.
Why is that?
We don't know.
(LAUGHTER)
To tell you the truth,
we find them all a bit of a mystery.
Well, why have a go
at the opposition leader
for looking healthier?
Because it's just marketing, Shaun.
That's what Scott finds
most offensive about it.
(LAUGHTER)
As he said...
What glasses you wear
and what suits you wear,
that doesn't make you
a prime minister.
It's being able
to make the decisions
to support our defence forces.
It's about making the decisions to
ensure we keep our economy strong.
Well, it's tricky trying to do that
from opposition, though, isn't it?
Mr Morrison's saying that
what makes you a prime minister
is being the prime minister.
Well, fairly sound argument,
I'd have thought.
And similarly when people ask him
about the petrol excise...
The budget is in a couple of weeks,
and, uh... that's when...
uh, announcements are made
about all matters
in relation to the budget.
about all matters
in relation to the budget.
Alright, so, budget announcements
are made in the budget announcement,
about all matters
in relation to the budget.
and what makes you a prime minister
is being prime minister.
Philosophically, he's a real
'I think, therefore I think'
type of guy, isn't he?
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, I gotta go.
ScoMo's being fired out of a cannon
dressed as a penguin
in half an hour.
Yeah, hang on. Just one final bit
of fact-checking before you go.
The PM said that
he was five years old
when the jobless rate was last
as low as it is today, but...
In fact, the last time the
unemployment rate was at this level
was actually in 2008.
Yeah, so, that means
the PM is now just 19 years old.
(LAUGHTER)
Yes, that's right.
Alright, well, thank you
very much, Donald McEngadine,
and for coming in, please accept
on behalf of Mad As Hell...
..this emotionally unavailable
support animal.
Ooh.
For you to keep.
Yeah, thank you very much.
And to take us to the break,
a little bit of Harold Faltermeyer
for you.
(PLAYS 'BEVERLY HILLS COP' THEME)
(LAUGHTER)
VOICEOVER: Out now from ABC Books,
Richard Colbeck's
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including and possibly limited
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(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Tomorrow on ABC News Mornings,
the independent candidate
no-one gives a chance.
Can his wife, Bianca,
swing the election in his favour?
Mmm. Bianca packs a mean meth pipe.
(CHUCKLES) She certainly does.
(CHUCKLES)
Bianca, you're refreshingly honest
about your illegal drug use.
That's alright, darls.
So, tell us about life with Craig.
What's his worst secret?
Um... insider trading?
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
And impotence. (LAUGHS)
Oh, God, that stuff makes you horny.
No...
Come on, babe,
let's give it another go, hey?
See if I can't pump some life
into that old thing, eh? (CACKLES)
And Google crowned
Mastermind champion.
See you soon.
Australia prides itself
in being tough on the world stage
when it comes to bullies.
When a country
throws its weight around
and invades another country
or oppresses another people,
we are quick imposing sanctions
and refusing to trade with them -
we are quick imposing sanctions
unless it's China, of course.
That's why it was
particularly impressive
when Australia put two Russians
on its sanctions list
despite their fossil fuel interests
in Rio Tinto's
Queensland Alumina Limited
and Origin Energy.
Leo Hatred from the resource sector
lobby group Fossil Fuels Forever,
an unusual move in that
Australian business stands
to suffer some actual loss
as a result of this decision.
Yeah, that's right, Shaun.
Up until now, all this
chest-thumping about sanctions
and breaking off trade relations
with Russia
has meant virtually nothing
in real terms.
We've just been photobombing shots
of the US, the UK and the EU
and pretending we were at the party
with everyone else.
So, we can justly claim
on this occasion
that we've actually put our money
where our mouth is?
On America's arse?
No, no, no, no, no,
that we've done the right thing.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Particularly for shareholders.
Well, hang on, though.
Don't shareholders stand to lose
from what's happened?
Shaun, the goodwill
generated by these sanctions
is the sort of free publicity
money can't buy.
It's like the insane amount
of companies
who joined the Russia boycott,
like McDonald's, Coca-Cola,
Netflix, Microsoft and Apple.
McDonald's didn't shut down
850 restaurants in Russia
because they weren't making money.
They did it to avoid
the negative press
that comes from
being tarred and feathered
by a bunch of woke do-gooders
turning up to their AGM
to speak for the one share they own
who suddenly have an interest in
how and where McDonald's operates
because they accidentally caught
five minutes of the news
between bong hits.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, but if the Australian
government and Australian business
wants credit for
pulling out of Russia,
why is it happy for Austrade to
continue operating in Saudi Arabia,
which has been engaged in
a seven-year civil war in Yemen?
Shaun, no-one's happy
to be making blood money
in a country like Saudi Arabia,
but last I checked,
blood money was still legal tender.
(LAUGHTER)
Sometimes you've just gotta close
your eyes and think of the Lexus.
Anyway, if legitimate businesses
stopped operating
in every country with
a two-star human rights rating,
illegitimate businesses
would take over
and provide those goods and services
on the black market.
Well, that would be a concern.
Shaun, "concern" doesn't
even begin to cover it.
With their local knowledge,
community engagement
and strong brand recognition,
if these organised crime groups
get a foothold in the market,
businesses like ours will have
no hope of competing with them.
Well, Leo Hatred,
thank you very much in...
(ABC NEWS STING)
Yes, thank you very much.
Well, in news just to hand...
NEWSREADER: The largest boring
machine in the Southern Hemisphere
began digging the earth
under Yarraville today.
Mmm, and while it's a bit mean
calling the Docklands Ferris wheel
a "boring machine"...
(LAUGHTER)
..at least they've finally found
a good use for it.
And for an update now
on what else has been making news
down in Victoria today,
we cross to Mad As Hell's Victorian
state reporter Oliver Bluebird.
And, Oliver, an armed man arrested
after being found hiding
in the grounds of Government House.
Oh, wow. Interesting.
(LAUGHTER)
Also, more protests in the city.
Oh, OK. Again, huh?
And speculation that interest rates
could be set to rise.
Gee.
Well, thanks so much for bringing me
up to date on that, Shaun.
It's a pleasure. Pleasure.
(LAUGHTER)
But with trouble overseas
and disasters at home,
it's good to know
Australia can rely on one man
to take a step back, usually
off a cliff of his own making,
to look at the big picture
and tell us what needs to be done.
All we have a job to do
in Australia
is to become as strong as possible
as quickly as possible.
I'm gonna keep saying that
till it makes people sick.
Does he need to go that far, though,
man from the pub who gives Barnaby
his ideas Mick Nobone?
I don't think Bouncinette
goes far enough, Shaun.
Take what he says about them kids
complaining about them coalmines,
for example -
that those carrying coffins
out of Ukraine
aren't focused on climate change.
A good point,
and well made, obliviously,
A good point,
but why pussyfoot around?
Why not go over there and personally
stage false-flag attacks in Russia
just to keep the conflict going
so it pushes up returns
for investors in Whitehaven Coal?
Ooh. (GRUNTS)
(DISGUSTED LAUGHTER)
(SIGHS) That's better.
Oh!
Mick Nobone there,
speaking on behalf of Barnaby Joyce.
# Is that
the Chattanooga choo-choo? #
VOICEOVER: Next up,
the ABC budget is squandered
on yet another program
about regional Australia
with Hopefully This One
Will Shut Them Up.
Followed by more
poorly written period drama
celebrating anachronistic diversity
with The Women Are In Charge.
And later, a look back at:
Welcome back.
The Great Barrier Reef is now
so bleached and the coral so white
that pretty soon, you'll have to
wear sunglasses when you go diving
because of the glare,
yet still the Morrison government
wanted the IPCC to say
the Great Barrier Reef was
"not yet in crisis".
But will leaving things till the
last moment before doing anything
work as well as it has so far
for the Morrison government?
A question for
The Wisdom Of The Elders.
(STATELY MUSIC)
Uh... yeah...
Sorry I'm late, Francis.
Ah, you've just been appearing
in an old people's home
for four-year-olds?
No.
Oh.
Uh, now, Bill...
Yes?
..you were there when the Great
Barrier Reef Marine Park opened
in 1975.
Yes, I was, Francis.
I swam down to the bottom
to break a bottle of champagne
over the coral myself.
And I was a park ranger
when they declared her
a World Heritage site in '81.
Ah, you think of the reef
as a woman?
Ah, yes, well, like a woman,
the Great Barrier Reef is
beautiful, majestic,
and can take the skin off your legs
if you scrape her on the bottom.
(LAUGHTER)
Are you concerned that the reef is
on UNESCO's endangered list?
Nah. Nah.
I mean, it's gonna die anyway, isn't
it, from run-off from Adani mines?
Euthanasing it naturally through
global warming is, I think, a mercy.
Do you think people will want
to come and see it if it's dead?
Well, the Colosseum
and the Parthenon do alright,
and they're not exactly
looking at their best.
People love visiting ruins.
But I...
You think tourists would want
to take a picture of Stonehenge
if it had a roof on it? No!
(LAUGHTER)
But the Great Barrier Reef is
one of Australia's natural wonders.
This... this need we have
to be entertained by nature
is typical, I think,
of the 'if it doesn't fizz,
I'm not drinking it' generation.
When I was a lad,
we were quite content
with looking at boring things
like egg-laying mammals,
or baobab trees, or thylacines -
which were, quite frankly,
far easier to kill than coral.
And so what if it's bleached?
It's a lovely colour.
You go to Antarctica,
you show people a polar bear
and they don't bang on
about it not having
tangerine and lavender stripes.
You want that,
you go and buy yourself
a packet of fucking
licorice allsorts!
(LAUGHTER)
But before you do, come with me.
I've got something to show you.
Oh! I'd be delighted.
Come!
(GRUNTS) Right.
Like a crab. Come on.
Do I have to?
Come, come, come! Come, come, come!
Yes, yes!
Well, voila.
The control room?
Well, I didn't say
it'd be interesting.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, not coming up because
Starstruck is on in a minute...
PM caught branch stacking.
(LAUGHTER)
And finally this week,
the Nine Network -
a former employer of mine
until advising me
that we had mutually agreed
to go our separate ways -
ran some useful consumer tips on
how you can save on your fuel bill.
REPORTER: On the freeway, carrying
a bike on the roof of your car
can add 15%
to the overall fuel bill.
A storage pod adds
even more wind resistance,
causing a 25% jump
in petrol consumption.
While a tent attachment can add
as much as 30%.
(LAUGHTER)
But did you also know
an aircraft carrier can increase
consumption by as much as 44%,
the Pyramids of Giza can guzzle up
a further 65%,
while popping Jupiter
on your roof racks
can mean an 80% spike in fuel use?
Goodbye.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captions by Red Bee Media
Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation
for Shaun Micallef
to be able to send this up.
# Wiki-wiki-wah
Wiki-wiki-wiki-wah-wah
# Wah-wiki-wiki-wiki-wah-wah-wah
(THEME MUSIC)
# Wiki-wah
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
Good evening, welcome, and -
well, I don't think I could put it
any better than this.
Hello!
(LAUGHTER)
Now, in the lead-up
to a federal election,
federal governments tend to watch
state elections very closely.
Now, South Australia had one
on the weekend, and normally
not even South Australians would
have paid too much attention to it,
but so close is it
to the likely federal election date
that it's a great opportunity for us
all to take the nation's temperature
with the rectal thermometer
that is state politics.
Now, usually an essential ingredient
in the recipe for success
is that if the PM and the premier
are of the same political stripe,
the PM will visit the state
and be seen pretending
that he likes the premier
so that some of that
prime ministerial magic
rubs off come polling day.
Unfortunately, in the week leading
up to the SA vote, the PM was in WA,
and if there was any
rubbing off going on,
it was the PM hoping he could get
some flakes of Mark McGowan
all over himself.
(LAUGHTER)
So, instead of seasoning
the SA election with a current PM,
Premier Steve Marshall had to make
do with one we prepared earlier.
(LAUGHTER)
Much, much earlier.
Still, the old John Howard magic
which saw him lose his own seat
and the election back in 2007
was just enough to get
Steve Marshall what he wanted -
assuming what he wanted was
not being premier anymore
and his party losing 13 seats.
Now, an interesting curio
from the PM's press conference
with Mark McGowan last week -
apart from this...
MAN: (SHOUTS) Fuckin' scumbag!
Thank you...
(LAUGHTER)
..was, um...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
..was his denial
that he'd ever likened
WA's closed-border policy
during the pandemic
to the semi-popular animated
children's film The Croods.
This despite saying at the time
of the WA border closure...
Now, it's like that movie
in The Croods.
People wanted to stay in the cave,
some wanted to stay in the cave,
and that young girl, she wanted
to go out and live again
and deal with the challenges
of living in a different world.
Well, COVID is a new
different world.
Crane Girdle, you're an expert
on pop culture references.
I am, Shaun.
My life is nothing but
an endless feedback loop
of film, TV and comic book memes.
I am incapable of original thought!
OK, well, what was the PM referring
to when he referenced The Croods
if not the Western Australian
people?
Yes, a fascinating question, Shaun.
Thank you.
If Mark McGowan is Grug, the father,
then that would suggest
that Eep, his daughter,
is the West Australian people,
keen to see the world -
or, at least, the then
COVID-infested rest of Australia.
The hero, Guy, is then the PM,
and his pet sloth, Belt,
is the health minister, Greg Hunt.
Alright, so, the, uh...
(LAUGHTER)
..so, the analogy holds?
Well, it certainly works better than
Up or Boss Baby or Angry Birds 2.
And it's safer for the Morrison
government to talk about
than Ice Age or Frozen
and, of course, Mulan.
(LAUGHTER)
But it's far less annoying
than Peter Rabbits 1 and 2,
but that's mainly
because of James Corden.
Alright, well, doesn't the analogy
come back to bite the PM, though?
Because, of course,
an earthquake destroys the cave
and everyone runs
into the jungle and...
Yeah, and y-y-yes, a-and then
they... they encounter piranhakeets
that devour a grounded whale,
but Grug saves the family
and - spoiler alert! -
escapes back to them over the ravine
in an airship made
of the whale's ribcage
fastened to the aforesaid
piranhakeets.
Alright, now,
although the PM says...
I like the movie.
..do you think...
(LAUGHTER)
..do you think he's aware...
No, I don't.
No, no, let me finish.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh.
Do you think that he's aware
that the film is based on
Plato's allegory of the cave,
a parable about the difference
between belief and knowledge -
or, in other words,
the constraints of religious dogma
that the PM holds dear
versus the freedom of
actually embracing reality?
My favourite character
is Belt the sloth...
(LAUGHTER)
..who Guy uses as a belt.
(APPLAUSE)
Crane Girdle there, looking at life
through the prism of pop culture.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
But with an election in SA
and the PM off
shoring up support in WA
and the Labor Party getting ready
to stumble at the last hurdle,
it got me thinking about
democracy in this country -
a subject I think could do with
a demitasse of Plain Speakin'.
(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)
(PIG SQUEALS)
Now, I like to think of democracy
as a never-ending custody battle
in which we'll eventually end up
being looked after by somebody
but we'll all be emotionally scarred
forever by the process.
Now, at the moment,
our parents are these guys.
Dad's...
(LAUGHTER)
Dad's a pretty old-school
'do as I say or I'll background
against you' kind of guy,
and Mum's a salt-of-the-earth,
'do anything for you
except my job properly' farm girl.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, the head of the family,
who has complained to
the authorities on our behalf
and is trying to adopt us,
is like a fantastical
Willy Wonka figure,
promising to spoil us rotten
and let us do whatever we want,
but only if on the big day
we tell the judge
that we'd like them to be our
parents instead of the other lot.
Now, the two sides
don't like each other
Now, the two sides
and are constantly fighting
and telling us how terrible
each other are,
but even within each group,
there are troubles.
This lot are a mixed marriage
and there are cultural differences.
While this lot are riven
with factional divides,
and the big question
this week has been
whether they should air
their dirty laundry in public
or whether they should just
turn it inside out
and continue wearing it
until election day...
(LAUGHTER)
..only then showing it to us
and revealing their true colours.
Now, the Liberal Party,
to their credit
and regardless of how soiled
their unmentionables are,
will always proudly wear them
on the outside of their clothes
for all the world to see.
They don't care what we think.
And the Nationals,
on the other hand,
choose not to wear
any underwear at all,
regarding them as an affectation
of inner-city latte-sipping elites.
Well, political parties,
if you're watching,
speaking on behalf of the ABC,
we don't care how unspeakably
stained your dirty laundry is.
Just so long as
you increase our funding,
we're happy to look the other way.
Who's with me?!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
OK.
Now, coming up later in Sport,
who did it best,
President Barack Obama...
..or Stuart Robert?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
We're just asking the question.
Alright.
But right now, with his regular
risible finance burlesque,
here's Tosh Greenslade
in a wig and glasses.
That's exactly right, Shaun.
The financial markets have a phrase
for the current economic conditions
we're experiencing at the moment -
a (BLEEP BLEEP) of (BLEEP BLEEP
BLEEP BLEEP) arse-bollocks.
The price of petrol is going
through the roof -
if you're lucky to have one
over your head -
interest rates are tipped to rise,
wages aren't,
national debt and deficit
is booming,
yet, defiantly,
treasurer Josh Frydenberg claims
the Coalition government
is best placed
to help people cope with
the rising cost of living.
Which is not to say that they will,
just that they're best placed to
if the mood takes them.
Their approach is known
as economic terrorism.
The ballooning
national debt and deficit
is a complex explosive device
that the treasurer has strapped
to the country,
and now he's trying to convince us
that only the government knows
how to disarm it
and that Anthony Albanese would cut
the red wire instead of the blue one
and blow the joint up.
And tonight's graph shows
the average age of children
compared to the colour of tractors.
And that's finance. Shaun.
(LAUGHTER)
Thanks very much, Tosh.
Tosh Greenslade there.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Absolutely.
Tosh Greenslade there
in a wig and glasses
doing what satire does best -
cramming an arbitrary point of view
down your throat
with a smug, shit-eating grin
on its face.
(LAUGHTER)
The fact remains, though,
that the federal budget gets
handed down next week,
but the PM is being coy
about what's in it.
Does it, for example, have
a cut in the fuel excise?
Ooooh!
(LAUGHTER)
And the treasurer, too,
didn't want to tell us
what he's giving us or taking away
from us this Budgetmas:
Gland Paradox from
the treasurer's office,
you told us the tax on draught beer
would be cut in the budget.
Why not give us the good oil
on the fuel excise?
Ah, but that would spoil
the surprise, Shaun,
and there's nothing quite like
the look of delight
on people's faces on budget eve
when they see what we have
in store for them!
(LAUGHTER)
Would 'delight' describe
the look on the faces
of those reliant on the NDIS when
they hear that it's being slashed?
We'll have to wait and see, Shaun.
Only six more sleeps!
(LAUGHTER)
Seven if you include the reading
of the budget itself by Josh.
I'm sure all Australians will be
glued to their televisions
come Tuesday.
Well, sure, yeah.
Married At First Sight is on.
(LAUGHTER)
But I'm afraid I'm under strict
instructions from the treasurer
But I'm afraid I'm under strict
not to give anything away.
The key plank in LNP policy
since 1944.
So you can't tell us anything
about the budget?
Well, I can tell you
that it's this big and this thick.
Oh, you tease!
And see? Look. Look!
The cover's all shiny and lovely!
We had them printed
off Jim Chalmers's photocopier.
Give me that!
Oi! Give that back!
You nasty pasty! Boo!
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
Boo!
Hang on, these pages are all blank!
(LAUGHTER)
We're still working on
some of the detail.
But when we're done, boy,
are you going to be surprised!
Really?
Yes.
We're selling the ABC to News Corp
for use as a car park.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, Gland, thank you very much
for coming in.
Please accept this Bunnings
combination sausage and...
(LAUGHTER)
..and...
..this Bunnings combination sausage
and COVID booster shot.
Enjoy another six months' protection
from the COVID-19 virus -
not from the sausage, obviously.
(LAUGHTER)
Delish!
OK, now, who's...
(HORRIFIED LAUGHTER)
What?!
OK, well, so, who's in the mood
for a feel-good story
that has nothing
to do with politics?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Alright, I'll see
if I've got one. Uh...
(LAUGHTER)
OK. Well, here's...
Look, here's a good one.
This is one about Prince William
holding an umbrella
over his wife Kate's head
outside Westminster
to stop her getting rained on.
UK backpackers Myfawny and Becky,
is this what it appears to be -
an inspirational moment
in a world sorely in need
of reminding about the triumph
of the human spirit?
(COCKNEY ACCENT) Oh, yeah. Weren't
it lovely what he did for her?
Like, it were raining, yeah, and he
comes up with something like that.
Made me bleedin' turn on the water
works, it did, make no mind!
(COCKNEY ACCENT) Yeah,
he could have let her get wet,
but, you know,
he's such a gentleman.
I tell you what, he can unfurl
his umbrella over me
anytime he likes, make no mistake!
I wouldn't kick him outta bed
if he crapped in it!
(BOTH LAUGH)
Yeah, it was a selfless gesture
in a world gone mad, yeah?
Oh, he's a gentleman,
that's what he is.
He's a gentleman
who knows how to treat a lady.
Like, he could have pushed her down
the Embankment and into the Thames,
but no, he held an umbrella
over her bonce!
Yeah, he could have got in his Rolls
and spun the wheels
and spattered her with mud
and then drove off
and had his way with me and Becky
in a three-way, but no.
(LAUGHTER)
He's a gentleman.
Yeah. It makes you think, don't it,
what a terrific example
them royals set for the rest
of us common folk, yeah.
Makes you forget, like, for a moment
all about the inbreeding
and the haemophilia
and the madness of King George
and Jack the Ripper
and even Prince Andrew.
Mmm.
(APPALLED LAUGHTER)
Alright, well, thank you
very much, ladies.
I hope you enjoy your stay
in Australia
picking fruit for almost nothing.
BOTH: Whoo!
OK.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS) And, um...
And would you accept for coming
along tonight and being our guests
a 2022 Prime Ministerial Planner?
(GAME SHOW MUZAK)
VOICEOVER: That's right, Shaun.
It's time to get organised.
With the 2022
Prime Ministerial Planner,
you can set down in writing
a targeted, measured and scalable
plan for your year
in accordance with your bold vision
for the future.
The versatile layout
provides plenty of room
to list your priorities
for the year ahead
and, using your strategic foresight
and aligning with
your highest principles,
record your goals
with clarity and conviction.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, now, coming up, we look at
some of the fascinating images
from the pre-election campaign
so far,
including this one of
the prime minister in waiting
seen here with Anthony Albanese.
(LAUGHTER)
Speaking of Labor, the election
campaign hasn't even started yet
and already,
they're boring us to tears
with their interminable refrain
that everything's going up
except people's wages.
Four seconds can't go by without
some berk from the opposition -
often not even this one -
regurgitating that pearl of tedium.
Yeah, alright, we heard you
the first trillion times!
Obviously, they're right, of course,
it's a good point,
and the rising cost of living
will particularly hit pensioners.
They have to put petrol
in their car.
When they get to the supermarket
to buy products,
they find that everything's gone up.
Mmm. Presumably Albo's solution is
to send them all a text message
before they go.
(LAUGHTER)
It IS getting out of hand, though,
when you read
that Australians could be forced
to pay up to $7
for a regular cup of coffee.
Seven dollars! My God! You can get
two litres of petrol for that!
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Another thing that caught my eye
this week about Labor
was their $750 million
blitz of promises
to fund pools, roads and
sports facilities in marginal seats.
Now, granted, at first blush,
that appears hypocritical,
but dig a little deeper
and you'll confirm that it is.
(LAUGHTER)
Just as Labor are in lockstep
with the government on China,
so they are on rorting.
Nothing to worry about
for you swinging voters out there -
rest assured that
a change of government will mean
no change to the cynical use
of taxpayer funds.
Fair enough, primal scream therapist
to the PM Donald McEngadine?
Well, I reject the presumption
of your question, Shaun.
To imply that just because
WA premier Mark McGowan
is the most popular
government leader in the country,
ScoMo would go over there last week
to make it look to
the Western Australian voters
that he and the premier
might actually be
in the same political party
is simply not true.
Yes, he came bearing gifts -
or, at least,
the promises of gifts -
but he wasn't trying to buy
people's votes.
As ScoMo made very clear...
We'll be moving forward with some
up to $4.3 billion in investment.
"Some" $4.3 billion?
(LAUGHTER)
Can't tell us WHICH $4.3 billion?
He hasn't worked out
where he's getting it from?
Any old $4.3 billion he can find
will do, Shaun.
What's important is
that it sounds a lot.
Well, maybe you could grab it
from the Emergency Response Fund.
There's $4.8 billion there
doing nothing.
Not exactly doing nothing -
it's attracting a lot of interest.
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Particularly from people
along the east coast
who wouldn't mind seeing some of it.
Look, what you've
got to remember, Shaun,
is that ScoMo didn't actually
hand over a giant novelty cheque
that they can go down the bank
and cash
to those sandgropers over there.
It was the PROMISE
of a giant novelty cheque
should voters change sides
and deliver him another four years
at the coalface.
Oh, and when I say "coalface",
I'm not talking about Matt Canavan.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm talking about the precipice
between ScoMo doing
what he does best
and not doing anything at all
in a timely and effective way
but, rather, lurching
from crisis to crisis
like a half-tranquillised
circus elephant in a baseball cap.
(LAUGHTER)
Donald, can I...
(APPLAUSE)
Donald, can I ask you about the PM's
comments about the way Albo looks?
It's pretty common for politicians
to spruce themselves up a bit
in the run-up to an election.
I mean, John Howard, he would get
his three-yearly eyebrow trim.
Paul Keating would start
shaving twice a day.
Even Robert Menzies would get
a face peel and a butt lift.
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, what's he done?
He's bought himself some new glasses
and some new suits.
Well, Shaun, it's like
ScoMo has always said -
he's pretending to be someone else,
someone he isn't.
And I think the Australian people
see through that.
They can spot a fake a mile off
and they don't like it.
They won't vote for it.
Our research shows
they like authenticity,
not the product of some focus group.
They respond favourably
to a what-you-see-is-what-you-get-
whether-you-like-it-or-not,
Sharkies-supporting opposite
of Malcolm Turnbull, warts and all.
Yeah, what about if he's
mainly just warts?
Well, I think ScoMo has always said
it best, Shaun, when he said...
I'm not pretending
to be anyone else.
I'm still wearing
the same sunglasses.
Sadly, the same suits.
(PAUL LAUGHS)
And I weigh about the same!
(LAUGHS)
So, I'm happy in my own skin and I'm
not pretending to be anyone else.
So he's saying that Albo is
secretly a daggy fat guy
trying to deceive us
by disguising himself
as some other,
slim, fashionable guy?
Well, of course he is.
And if he gets elected,
he'll just stack the weight back on
until he's the same size as ScoMo.
Yeah. What if Anthony Albanese
was a woman?
Is he? Do you know something?
No, no, no.
But if he... if he was,
would Scott Morrison say,
"Oh, she's pretending to be
someone else.
"She's really a fat woman"?
Well, no, because
it's different with women.
Why is that?
We don't know.
(LAUGHTER)
To tell you the truth,
we find them all a bit of a mystery.
Well, why have a go
at the opposition leader
for looking healthier?
Because it's just marketing, Shaun.
That's what Scott finds
most offensive about it.
(LAUGHTER)
As he said...
What glasses you wear
and what suits you wear,
that doesn't make you
a prime minister.
It's being able
to make the decisions
to support our defence forces.
It's about making the decisions to
ensure we keep our economy strong.
Well, it's tricky trying to do that
from opposition, though, isn't it?
Mr Morrison's saying that
what makes you a prime minister
is being the prime minister.
Well, fairly sound argument,
I'd have thought.
And similarly when people ask him
about the petrol excise...
The budget is in a couple of weeks,
and, uh... that's when...
uh, announcements are made
about all matters
in relation to the budget.
about all matters
in relation to the budget.
Alright, so, budget announcements
are made in the budget announcement,
about all matters
in relation to the budget.
and what makes you a prime minister
is being prime minister.
Philosophically, he's a real
'I think, therefore I think'
type of guy, isn't he?
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, I gotta go.
ScoMo's being fired out of a cannon
dressed as a penguin
in half an hour.
Yeah, hang on. Just one final bit
of fact-checking before you go.
The PM said that
he was five years old
when the jobless rate was last
as low as it is today, but...
In fact, the last time the
unemployment rate was at this level
was actually in 2008.
Yeah, so, that means
the PM is now just 19 years old.
(LAUGHTER)
Yes, that's right.
Alright, well, thank you
very much, Donald McEngadine,
and for coming in, please accept
on behalf of Mad As Hell...
..this emotionally unavailable
support animal.
Ooh.
For you to keep.
Yeah, thank you very much.
And to take us to the break,
a little bit of Harold Faltermeyer
for you.
(PLAYS 'BEVERLY HILLS COP' THEME)
(LAUGHTER)
VOICEOVER: Out now from ABC Books,
Richard Colbeck's
Aged Care Food Safari.
Full of several recipes
gleaned from the kitchens
of some of Australia's most
profitable aged care facilities,
including and possibly limited
to such favourites
as par-boiled carrots,
thrice-reheated mashed potato
with milk powder,
boiled beans with an unusual smell,
undercooked sausages
with a suspicious grey pallor,
and unknown substance.
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Available at all good
cricket grounds.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Tomorrow on ABC News Mornings,
the independent candidate
no-one gives a chance.
Can his wife, Bianca,
swing the election in his favour?
Mmm. Bianca packs a mean meth pipe.
(CHUCKLES) She certainly does.
(CHUCKLES)
Bianca, you're refreshingly honest
about your illegal drug use.
That's alright, darls.
So, tell us about life with Craig.
What's his worst secret?
Um... insider trading?
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
And impotence. (LAUGHS)
Oh, God, that stuff makes you horny.
No...
Come on, babe,
let's give it another go, hey?
See if I can't pump some life
into that old thing, eh? (CACKLES)
And Google crowned
Mastermind champion.
See you soon.
Australia prides itself
in being tough on the world stage
when it comes to bullies.
When a country
throws its weight around
and invades another country
or oppresses another people,
we are quick imposing sanctions
and refusing to trade with them -
we are quick imposing sanctions
unless it's China, of course.
That's why it was
particularly impressive
when Australia put two Russians
on its sanctions list
despite their fossil fuel interests
in Rio Tinto's
Queensland Alumina Limited
and Origin Energy.
Leo Hatred from the resource sector
lobby group Fossil Fuels Forever,
an unusual move in that
Australian business stands
to suffer some actual loss
as a result of this decision.
Yeah, that's right, Shaun.
Up until now, all this
chest-thumping about sanctions
and breaking off trade relations
with Russia
has meant virtually nothing
in real terms.
We've just been photobombing shots
of the US, the UK and the EU
and pretending we were at the party
with everyone else.
So, we can justly claim
on this occasion
that we've actually put our money
where our mouth is?
On America's arse?
No, no, no, no, no,
that we've done the right thing.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Particularly for shareholders.
Well, hang on, though.
Don't shareholders stand to lose
from what's happened?
Shaun, the goodwill
generated by these sanctions
is the sort of free publicity
money can't buy.
It's like the insane amount
of companies
who joined the Russia boycott,
like McDonald's, Coca-Cola,
Netflix, Microsoft and Apple.
McDonald's didn't shut down
850 restaurants in Russia
because they weren't making money.
They did it to avoid
the negative press
that comes from
being tarred and feathered
by a bunch of woke do-gooders
turning up to their AGM
to speak for the one share they own
who suddenly have an interest in
how and where McDonald's operates
because they accidentally caught
five minutes of the news
between bong hits.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, but if the Australian
government and Australian business
wants credit for
pulling out of Russia,
why is it happy for Austrade to
continue operating in Saudi Arabia,
which has been engaged in
a seven-year civil war in Yemen?
Shaun, no-one's happy
to be making blood money
in a country like Saudi Arabia,
but last I checked,
blood money was still legal tender.
(LAUGHTER)
Sometimes you've just gotta close
your eyes and think of the Lexus.
Anyway, if legitimate businesses
stopped operating
in every country with
a two-star human rights rating,
illegitimate businesses
would take over
and provide those goods and services
on the black market.
Well, that would be a concern.
Shaun, "concern" doesn't
even begin to cover it.
With their local knowledge,
community engagement
and strong brand recognition,
if these organised crime groups
get a foothold in the market,
businesses like ours will have
no hope of competing with them.
Well, Leo Hatred,
thank you very much in...
(ABC NEWS STING)
Yes, thank you very much.
Well, in news just to hand...
NEWSREADER: The largest boring
machine in the Southern Hemisphere
began digging the earth
under Yarraville today.
Mmm, and while it's a bit mean
calling the Docklands Ferris wheel
a "boring machine"...
(LAUGHTER)
..at least they've finally found
a good use for it.
And for an update now
on what else has been making news
down in Victoria today,
we cross to Mad As Hell's Victorian
state reporter Oliver Bluebird.
And, Oliver, an armed man arrested
after being found hiding
in the grounds of Government House.
Oh, wow. Interesting.
(LAUGHTER)
Also, more protests in the city.
Oh, OK. Again, huh?
And speculation that interest rates
could be set to rise.
Gee.
Well, thanks so much for bringing me
up to date on that, Shaun.
It's a pleasure. Pleasure.
(LAUGHTER)
But with trouble overseas
and disasters at home,
it's good to know
Australia can rely on one man
to take a step back, usually
off a cliff of his own making,
to look at the big picture
and tell us what needs to be done.
All we have a job to do
in Australia
is to become as strong as possible
as quickly as possible.
I'm gonna keep saying that
till it makes people sick.
Does he need to go that far, though,
man from the pub who gives Barnaby
his ideas Mick Nobone?
I don't think Bouncinette
goes far enough, Shaun.
Take what he says about them kids
complaining about them coalmines,
for example -
that those carrying coffins
out of Ukraine
aren't focused on climate change.
A good point,
and well made, obliviously,
A good point,
but why pussyfoot around?
Why not go over there and personally
stage false-flag attacks in Russia
just to keep the conflict going
so it pushes up returns
for investors in Whitehaven Coal?
Ooh. (GRUNTS)
(DISGUSTED LAUGHTER)
(SIGHS) That's better.
Oh!
Mick Nobone there,
speaking on behalf of Barnaby Joyce.
# Is that
the Chattanooga choo-choo? #
VOICEOVER: Next up,
the ABC budget is squandered
on yet another program
about regional Australia
with Hopefully This One
Will Shut Them Up.
Followed by more
poorly written period drama
celebrating anachronistic diversity
with The Women Are In Charge.
And later, a look back at:
Welcome back.
The Great Barrier Reef is now
so bleached and the coral so white
that pretty soon, you'll have to
wear sunglasses when you go diving
because of the glare,
yet still the Morrison government
wanted the IPCC to say
the Great Barrier Reef was
"not yet in crisis".
But will leaving things till the
last moment before doing anything
work as well as it has so far
for the Morrison government?
A question for
The Wisdom Of The Elders.
(STATELY MUSIC)
Uh... yeah...
Sorry I'm late, Francis.
Ah, you've just been appearing
in an old people's home
for four-year-olds?
No.
Oh.
Uh, now, Bill...
Yes?
..you were there when the Great
Barrier Reef Marine Park opened
in 1975.
Yes, I was, Francis.
I swam down to the bottom
to break a bottle of champagne
over the coral myself.
And I was a park ranger
when they declared her
a World Heritage site in '81.
Ah, you think of the reef
as a woman?
Ah, yes, well, like a woman,
the Great Barrier Reef is
beautiful, majestic,
and can take the skin off your legs
if you scrape her on the bottom.
(LAUGHTER)
Are you concerned that the reef is
on UNESCO's endangered list?
Nah. Nah.
I mean, it's gonna die anyway, isn't
it, from run-off from Adani mines?
Euthanasing it naturally through
global warming is, I think, a mercy.
Do you think people will want
to come and see it if it's dead?
Well, the Colosseum
and the Parthenon do alright,
and they're not exactly
looking at their best.
People love visiting ruins.
But I...
You think tourists would want
to take a picture of Stonehenge
if it had a roof on it? No!
(LAUGHTER)
But the Great Barrier Reef is
one of Australia's natural wonders.
This... this need we have
to be entertained by nature
is typical, I think,
of the 'if it doesn't fizz,
I'm not drinking it' generation.
When I was a lad,
we were quite content
with looking at boring things
like egg-laying mammals,
or baobab trees, or thylacines -
which were, quite frankly,
far easier to kill than coral.
And so what if it's bleached?
It's a lovely colour.
You go to Antarctica,
you show people a polar bear
and they don't bang on
about it not having
tangerine and lavender stripes.
You want that,
you go and buy yourself
a packet of fucking
licorice allsorts!
(LAUGHTER)
But before you do, come with me.
I've got something to show you.
Oh! I'd be delighted.
Come!
(GRUNTS) Right.
Like a crab. Come on.
Do I have to?
Come, come, come! Come, come, come!
Yes, yes!
Well, voila.
The control room?
Well, I didn't say
it'd be interesting.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, not coming up because
Starstruck is on in a minute...
PM caught branch stacking.
(LAUGHTER)
And finally this week,
the Nine Network -
a former employer of mine
until advising me
that we had mutually agreed
to go our separate ways -
ran some useful consumer tips on
how you can save on your fuel bill.
REPORTER: On the freeway, carrying
a bike on the roof of your car
can add 15%
to the overall fuel bill.
A storage pod adds
even more wind resistance,
causing a 25% jump
in petrol consumption.
While a tent attachment can add
as much as 30%.
(LAUGHTER)
But did you also know
an aircraft carrier can increase
consumption by as much as 44%,
the Pyramids of Giza can guzzle up
a further 65%,
while popping Jupiter
on your roof racks
can mean an 80% spike in fuel use?
Goodbye.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captions by Red Bee Media
Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation