Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell (2012–2018): Season 14, Episode 7 - Episode #14.7 - full transcript
This program is live captioned by
Red Bee Media.
Hey, it's going to be very difficult
for Shaun Micallef
to be able to send this up.
# Wiki-wiki-wah
Wiki-wiki-wiki-wah-wah
# Wah-wiki-wiki-wiki-wah-wah-wah
(THEME MUSIC)
# Wiki-wah
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Well, it's official -
according to this week's Newspoll,
for the first time in two years,
Anthony Albanese has drawn level
with Scott Morrison
on 42% as preferred prime minister,
which means we don't have
a preferred prime minister.
(LAUGHTER)
We're obviously looking for
a government to be run
by some sort of co-op.
And interestingly,
16% registered as 'uncommitted',
so both parties will,
I'm sure, be looking
to get those people committed.
(LAUGHTER)
Although, I'm not sure if they're
allowed to vote if that happens.
The big question, though, is,
how did it come to this?
A big question I'd like to answer
with a little bit of Plain Speakin'.
(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)
(PIG SQUEALS)
OK, so, there's this guy, right?
I don't want to say who it is.
Doesn't matter who it is.
(LAUGHTER)
Could be you or I,
so relatable is he.
Anyway, he was sick with COVID
a couple of weeks back
and he couldn't control
the narrative and gaslight us
as much as he usually does,
so two of his friends,
very close friends -
so close, in fact, they often
hold hands with each other...
(LAUGHTER)
..tried to win us over
in the hope they could get his job
in a leadership spill.
Now, one of the men -
doesn't matter which one -
tried to frighten us into liking him
by pointing at China
and saying, "Boogie boogie!"
(LAUGHTER)
And the other, shorter one
tried to get us to like him
by pointing out
our economic recovery
and saying something
about wage growth.
I'm sorry, I always drift off
when he starts talking.
Anyway, the man who was off sick
saw what his friends were up to,
probably on social media,
because he's never off it,
and he thought -
and I'm paraphrasing here -
"Fuck this shit. I'm going to..."
(LAUGHTER)
"..announce that we're spending
38 billion on a submarine base.
"That'll make me look as though
"I'm in charge of the economy and
national security, and not them."
Now, unfortunately,
on the day of the announcement,
one of the proposed sites
for the submarine base, Brisbane,
was under water,
so the whole thing was in bad taste,
but he made the announcement anyway,
eventually getting around to
declaring a national emergency
because of the floods a week later.
Although, he excluded Queensland.
And you know something?
That man was the prime minister -
Scott Morrison.
And unfortunately for the PM...
(LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
Unfortunately for the PM...
Oh, yes, please. Let's applaud...
We should applaud
the prime minister.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Although, unfortunately for the PM,
no matter what he does these days,
he can't seem to win.
He bans journalists when
he goes up there to visit because...
In disasters like this,
not everybody wants a camera
shoved in their face.
Then he lets cameras
get shoved in his face
so they can photograph him
pretending to help clean up
and they make fun of him
on a show like this.
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, look at that.
"ScoMop"! It's dis...
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
It's disgraceful!
And it's not just that -
or they say,
"Oh, sure, not everyone
wants a camera
"shoved in their face
during a disaster,"
but apparently they do want a hand
shoved in their hand.
Well, no more.
Tonight, we are treating the PM
with the dignity his office deserves
and not just someone
obsessed with promoting some image.
(LAUGHTER)
The fact of the matter is,
the PM spent a lot of time
visiting flood-affected areas -
with his hands behind his back
just in case
someone refused to shake them.
(LAUGHTER)
That's smart thinking.
And while he wasn't
apologising for anything,
at least he was using
the word 'apologise'.
I do apologise that
the amount of support
that has been provided,
and continues to be provided,
I still don't believe will always
meet the expectations
that are just at, you know,
very high levels.
Yes, levels that are only seen
once every 500 years.
(LAUGHTER)
So the problem is
not a slow response,
it's that people have been
expecting too much.
Which, when you look
at the government's record
in crisis management,
he's got a point.
(LAUGHTER)
A point that he went on to sharpen.
I don't think any amount of support
was ever going to be enough.
Yes. This is 'can't do' capitalism.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Draymella Burt
from the PMO-No-Not-Again,
some have criticised the federal
government's response as inadequate,
but the PM's got nothing
to apologise for, has he?
Shaun, if you're looking for
inadequate responses,
you only have to look
at the one Scott gave
about whether he should apologise.
Every federal government
would always be apologetic.
See? It's not just the fault
of the state governments.
He's spreading the blame
across past, future
and, for that matter,
purely hypothetical governments.
Can I ask about links between
this flood and climate change?
Shaun, Scott has already avoided
this question very comprehensively.
I mean, we are dealing with
a different climate
to the one we were
dealing with before.
I think that's just an obvious fact.
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, it's obvious.
It goes without saying.
Is that why he didn't
actually say anything?
Look, all we know is
the climate is different,
and it's impossible to say
if it's the old one that has changed
or a totally new one
that's come along
and replaced it
by some other process.
That's not for him to say
or not say.
So it's like how you might not
believe in a change of government
but we will definitely have
a different one after the election?
Well, that's just an obvious fact.
And it's also obvious
that we can't react to this flood
in the ways we would have
other crises.
In what way?
Backgrounding against the flood.
Trying to wedge the floods
in western Sydney
by introducing
a religious discrimination bill.
Having Jenny say she found
the floods a bit disappointing
because there is a such a thing
as manners and respect.
(APPLAUSE)
You know, the usual.
I'm talking to Draymella Burt.
Now, Draymella, when the PM says...
I absolutely understand
the frustration.
I understand the anger.
I understand the disappointment.
..does he also understand
that the frustration, anger
and disappointment
is directed at him
as leader of the country?
Shaun, Scott 'understands'
in the same way
he 'understood' those
Canberra anti-vax protesters
but said that they should blame
the state premiers.
Why not dip into more of that
4 billion Emergency Response Fund?
Shaun, that's
the emergency management minister
Bridget McKenzie's department.
You should ask
HER pretend spokesperson.
Alright, I will.
(LAUGHTER)
Shaun, it's like Bridget reckons -
"We know the climate change
over the coming decades
"will make these events
more intense,
"and that's exactly what
this fund is for."
Yeah, but won't kicking
the climate change can down the road
only ensure things will always be
progressively worse in the future?
Of course,
and this fund will generate
more and more money
to support those disasters.
Which you also won't spend?
The LNP have always been
superior economic managers, Shaun.
The less we spend on climate,
the more we ensure we also never
spend on disaster relief.
You've got to save money
to save money.
Alright, well,
Bridget accompanied the PM
on his trip to Brisbane last week,
where she watched him
shake hands with various people,
compare the cleaning action
of various brooms...
(LAUGHTER)
..and also ape his hand gestures,
as you can see there.
She later stood firmly behind
and unnervingly close to the PM
as he deflected blame for
the tardiness of his response.
What do you think Bridget's thinking
there? Right there?
I think she was petrified
he'd throw her under the bus
and blame her for everything,
like he did with the sports rorts.
(APPLAUSE)
So, tell me, Megan,
why did it take so long
to declare a national emergency?
Ah. Well, as Bridget said, Shaun...
Ah. Well, this is the first time
we've actually had these powers
enacted at a federal level.
What, and you don't know
how to use them yet?
Did they not come with instructions?
If you'd let Bridget finish, Shaun.
Oh, sorry.
There's actually a threshold trigger
for calling a national disaster,
and, you know, if a, um...
uh...national...
..like, if there was
a nuclear attack,
that would be an immediate response.
Whereas this,
there was no single event
through the course of that week
that would trigger the threshold
in the legislation
for us to be able to do that.
(LAUGHTER)
It's not exactly a hair trigger,
is it,
if it takes a nuclear bomb
to set it off?
(LAUGHTER)
It compounds, Shaun.
One droplet of rainwater
is obviously not enough
to pull the threshold trigger,
but several hundred billion
will prompt the states,
in consultation
with the federal government,
to write a letter to the PM,
and then Emergency Management
Australia will advise Bridget
as minister for emergency management
and national recovery
and resilience,
and the threshold trigger
is eventually squeezed,
and then, as Bridget says...
Well, it triggers the fact
that we as a federal government
can reduce red tape.
(LAUGHTER)
Would there be any red tape left
to reduce at that point?
Not really, no. But that makes it
very easy to reduce.
Well, ultimately, though, it seems
to all depend on the advice
Bridget receives from
Emergency Management Australia.
Yes. It's all their fault.
Alright. And who runs that?
The minister for home affairs,
Karen Andrews.
Can I speak to her spokesperson,
please?
Yes, you can. I'll put you through.
Thank you.
One moment, please.
Your call is very important to us.
It's ringing.
OK.
(PHONE RINGS)
(LAUGHTER)
We apologise for the delay, but all
our staff are busy at the moment,
and we recommend you contact
the state premiers.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you very much, Draymella.
Thank you.
Alright. And...
And also thank you very much,
Megan St John.
Well, coming up, lab-grown meat -
how tasty is it?
(HORRIFIED LAUGHTER)
And UN Security Council carpet
really needs a good shampoo.
(LAUGHTER)
Disgusting.
But right now, Mad As Hell's senior
political correspondent Lois Price
is high in the sky and joins us now.
Lois, you flew the prime minister
around the flood-affected areas
last week, as I understand it?
The greatest honour of my life,
Shaun, along with being chosen
as the Cohuna Farmers Weekly's
Junior Queen of the Mallee.
He's so different in real life
to how he seems on the telly.
Well, I must say, he always looks
very rugged and macho in a chopper.
Yeah, very different in real life.
(LAUGHTER)
There's been some discussion, Lois,
about the appropriateness
of using ADF personnel
in these situations.
What are your thoughts?
I like it, Shaun.
In fact, if you ask me -
which you did, I think -
there are many other ways
the government can deploy
the ADF to help,
like managing the sandwich bars
in our CBDs
that closed down after COVID,
or picking fruit on farms,
or standing in
a New South Wales seat
for the Coalition in the election.
And given we're already carrying
a debt of about a trillion dollars,
what about the government's decision
to spend another 38 billion
expanding the ADF?
Yeah, I think they've been surprised
by Labor's popularity
in the polls, Shaun,
so they're trying to make themselves
look more like Labor
by indiscriminately spending
shitloads of money.
Car tyres rooted? It's time
to re-tyre at Pablo's Tyre Palace.
This week, every tyre in the shop
is slashed
after Pablo had a bit of an episode
with a Stanley knife.
Bridgestone, Michelin, Pirelli,
you name it, they're all in ribbons.
This month only, buy 13 tyres
and get the ninth one half price.
I'm Lois Price for Mad As Hell.
(APPLAUSE)
Thanks, Lois! Thank you!
Thanks. Thanks, Shaun.
Well, we alluded to Josh Frydenberg
earlier,
and as the treasurer prepares
for what will be
his last federal budget
before the election,
the excitement is palpable.
(LAUGHTER)
And who can blame him, with reports
that higher interest rates
and higher debt run up
dealing with coronavirus
are on track to push
the federal budget interest bill
towards 30 billion a year,
eclipsing even the cost
of aged care services?
Former government finance spokesborg
Darius Horsham,
that's a lot of money.
How does Josh make it go away?
Well, Richard Colbeck is
doing his best, Shaun.
(LAUGHTER)
No, no, not aged care services,
the interest on the national debt.
Shaun, you are forgetting
the number one rule
of LNP superior economic management.
Uh..."Don't shit on my leg
and tell me it's a brown kitten"?
(LAUGHTER)
No, that is number twos.
Number one is that
the only interest on debt
anyone needs to pay any attention to
is the interest
the Coalition will take
in how bad debt is
once Labor are in charge.
Yes, but these interest payments
are only going to increase
as the interest rates go up.
Which is why it is so important
for the government
to pay back the Labor debt
as soon as possible.
Yeah, but this debt is incurred
under the Coalition government.
Yes, but in a very Labor way, Shaun,
what with all the spending
on the poor and the needy
and the "boo-hoo-hoo, I want to go
to the bathroom" people.
We are all in the bathroom!
(LAUGHTER)
But why repay the debt at all?
A small debt has, say,
you or I worried,
but a large debt
has the lender worried.
Why not let the debt grow,
then when it gets too big
and the lenders come a-knockin',
transfer the government of Australia
into a relative's name
in an offshore account,
and then phoenix
the country of Australia
under the new ownership
of Anthony Albanese?
Oh, Shaun, don't sneeze on my hair
and tell me it's a new range
of Garnier Fructis conditioner!
What you am proposing
will never work.
The point of 'phoenixing' a company
is that the same people
who ran the company before
are meant to run it afterwards,
and the Scott Morrison
and Anthony Albanese
aren't exactly the same person,
are they?
I don't know.
Give Albo a couple more weeks.
(LAUGHTER)
Fantastic.
Alright, thank you very much,
Darius Horsham.
Now, it's not just the PM who's come
in for criticism this last week.
The deputy prime minister,
Barnaby Joyce...
# Is that
the Chattanooga choo-choo? #
..has come in for some stick
claiming the floods were
a "one-in-3,500-year event"
without at least quoting the chapter
and verse from the Book of Genesis
where that figure appears.
Although, to be fair to Barnaby,
the Bureau of Meteorology
have been no help at all.
Their records don't go back
anywhere near that far.
(LAUGHTER)
They're completely useless.
I mean, when's the last time
they accurately predicted a meteor?
(LAUGHTER)
In my view,
they should be closed down
and the money donated to
Barnaby's re-election campaign.
Who's with me?!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Now, as well as the standard
of Barnaby's Bible studies,
there is dissatisfaction
with his lack of understanding
about Russian oil imports,
his likening of Australia to Russia
in the Ukraine conflict,
his disapproval among women,
and his writing-off of the PM
even before turning up in Lismore
and doing it himself.
(LAUGHTER)
Man from the pub who gives Barnaby
his ideas Mick Nobone...
(APPALLED LAUGHTER)
..maybe, uh...
Mick, maybe you should stop
and let Barnaby come up with
a few of his own ideas.
You can blame Bumblebee
for many things, Shaun,
but you can't blame him
for the floods.
He hasn't been minister for water
since 2017.
This is a natural disaster,
so if people are gonna blame anyone,
they should be blaming
Mother Nature.
Pfft! Women, eh?
Mmm.
(LAUGHTER)
Is it a natural disaster, though?
The LNP do seem keen to distance the
floods from its climate inaction,
just as they did
after the bushfires.
Well, which is it we're causing?
Fire, or its opposite, water?
Make up your bloody minds.
I guess the main criticism is
that the ADF weren't involved
early enough in the flood recovery,
that there should have been
more uniforms on the ground.
Well, it's funny
you should mention that, actu...
(SIGHS) One sec.
I said to Carbuncleby, I said,
"Why don't you just send
a whole bunch of actual ADF uniforms
"to the flood-affected areas
straightaway,
"then get the people up there
who are actually helping
with the clean-up
"to dress up in them
while they did that essential work?"
(LAUGHTER)
That way, the community
would have seen
people in ADF uniforms helping
from day one,
which would have provided that sense
that the government
cared about them.
(LAUGHTER)
The actual ADF could rock up
a few days later
and focus on their core function
of filming promotional videos
of themselves unloading and then
reloading trailers full of debris.
Yes, I suppose that's right.
Plus, dressing up civilians
in uniform would be one way
for the ADF to get
anywhere close to their target
of an extra 18,500 new personnel
they're after.
NOW you're thinking like Barnably.
Alright. Well, thank you very much,
Mick. Mick Nobone.
I haven't finished yet.
Yep.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Now, there's no doubt our defence
resources are overstretched.
I mean, look at
this recovery vehicle
having to urgently leave
the flood front line
to sit in the background
during the PM's press conference...
(LAUGHTER)
..to make him look more imposing.
But what will this 38 billion
defence force expansion,
the biggest since the Vietnam War -
always the reassuring gold standard
when it comes to
military excellence -
mean in real terms,
Vice Rear Cabin Boy Sir Bobo Gargle?
Well, I'll have more junior officers
under me, Shaun,
and that can only be a good thing.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, the PM's used this announcement
to put the boot into
the opposition, claiming...
REPORTER: Defence would have
received 55 billion less
if the Coalition
had maintained funding
at the settings it inherited
from Labor.
That's a yawning gap.
Now, to put both the yawning
and the gap into perspective,
55 billion could have bought us
the French submarines the LNP
government initially bought in 2016,
or half of those same submarines
a few years later,
or we could have taken
the 2.4 billion already spent
on the submarines
that never got built
and scrapped them 20 times over.
Or, if you really wanted to splurge,
we could have blown it
on roughly a third of
the estimated 171 billion
that the new AUKUS submarines
may end up costing us.
Look, I don't want to politicise the
issue, Shaun, but the PM is right.
If Labor had remained in power,
then we wouldn't have been able
to afford even a third
of the speculative, undesigned,
unpurchased submarines
that we don't have today.
This interview with Bobo Gargle
is brought to you
by Pablo's Tyre Palace.
(LAUGHTER)
Sorry, Bobo, you were saying?
Oh, yes.
One thing we're
going to need, Shaun,
when we get our new
nuclear submarines,
apart from someone who knows
how to maintain them,
is somewhere to put them.
And that's why
the Morrison-Joyce government -
and I don't mean that
pejoratively - is...
..establishing a second
submarine bose on our east coast.
A submarine 'bose'?
Yes.
A 'bose' being
a 'base' on the 'coast'.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
I think he meant to say...
I think he meant to say 'boast'.
Right. And I understand
from this clip...
REPORTER: Of 19 potential sites,
Defence has narrowed it down
to three -
either in Brisbane, Newcastle
or Port Kembla.
Depending on which is most marginal
before the election.
Alright, now, Malcolm...
# Smooth operator... #
..Turnbull is apparently
not a fan, is he?
I mean, really,
this has descended into farce.
Has it?
No, I won't have that.
It's AScended into farce.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, the ADF has copped some flak
over the flood emergency response,
hasn't it?
And unfairly so, Shaun.
You can't expect the ADF
to miracly be everywhere at once.
'Miracly'?
Yes.
Is that a word?
Absolutely.
Can you point to another occasion
when that word has ever been used?
I can.
I mean, the ADF just can't
miracly get through things...
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
..that you can't get through
to get to a particular location.
My humblest apologies.
And finally, Bobo,
we have a video question
from Anthony in New South Wales.
Why are people having to pitch in
and privately hire helicopters
when the ADF have access
to these resources?
Well, that's a good question,
Anthony.
(LAUGHTER)
So that we get them used to the idea
that should we become involved
in a conflict,
they will need to hire their own
armoured tanks and submarines.
And what of the gap
in our submarine capability
before the arrival
of the nuclear-powered ones
and the speculation
about the possibility
of leasing some in the interim?
What if you can't lease any?
Well, then...we lease...
No, no, no, no.
We said we're... No, we said
we're not doing that anymore.
Oh.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
No!
(LAUGHTER)
No! It's been 10 years
and we've just worked out
it doesn't make any sense at all.
(LAUGHTER)
Anyway, you were saying?
(ROARS) ..the Kraken!
('MICKEY' PLAYS)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
# Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
# Hey, Mickey
Hey, Mickey... #
No, no, no, no! No, that's enough!
No, no, no, no! Out! Off! Off!
VOICEOVER: Life is busy,
and it can be hard to stay on top
of everything that's happening.
In fact, we can't do it.
It's impossible.
Sorry, but there's too much
going on.
Maybe try SkyNews.
VOICEOVER: Ready for
some new adventures?
Why don't you fuck off
back to the city?
Back Roads is back...
You stinkin' ABC greenie!
..on a journey to some of this
country's most remote towns...
We all watch Prime here anyway!
..and to meet some of our most
fascinating local characters.
Nothing to do here. Can't wait
to get out of this shithole.
You just can't get stuff here.
We can't get fast broadband,
can't get a doctor,
can't get a booster shot,
can't get a COVID test...
Mice, you can get. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, we had a bloody mouse plague
last year -
now you can't get hold
of a single RAT!
(LAUGHS)
Nah, it's shithouse.
Sell off the bloody ABC!
You're all just Labor stooges!
You won't put that on TV, will you?
Or if you do, you'll make me out
to be some two-dimensional idiot
by getting a really broad
performance from the actor.
(SPITS)
Partly new Back Roads.
Two nights ago at 8:00 and on iview.
Now, retired Admiral Chris Barrie,
a former colleague of
Vice Rear Cabin Boy Sir Bobo Gargle,
is a senior member of the Australian
Security Leaders Climate Group,
who have been highlighting the ways
in which a worsening climate
will destabilise global security,
and he blames:
Which does beg the question,
what would Woolworths be like
as a government?
Gemma Peadie,
leader of the opposition, Coles.
They would be
an absolute disaster, Shaun.
Brad Banducci is the most left-wing
leader of a supermarket
since Joseph Stalin had that
IGA franchise in St Petersburg.
Woolworths say they're
"the fresh food people"
as if we at Coles are selling
rotten, mouldy produce.
It's just a scare campaign, Shaun.
And what we know will happen
under a Woolworths government
is that home delivery times
will blow out,
shopping trolleys will lie around
abandoned for months,
special catalogues will be
shoved in our letterboxes
despite the 'no junk mail' signs,
and the cost of everyday items
like Nivea Cellular
Anti-age Night Cream -
now just 16.80 at Coles,
save 11.20 - will skyrocket.
(LAUGHTER)
Thanks very much, Gemma.
And of course,
the way the polling's going,
independent grocers may well end up
with the balance of power.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, Tony Abbott - was he
our best prime minister ever?
No! No!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Well, Australia's biggest
coal-fired power station, Eraring,
is set to shut down
seven years ahead of time.
The plant's owner, Origin Energy,
has blamed cheap renewables
for making the economics
unsustainable.
Right, so, cheap renewable energy
is the bad guy here.
But the federal energy minister
is warning
of grid instability
and higher power prices.
OK, so, cheap renewable energy
leads to higher power prices.
Well, bugger that.
I want the cheaper,
more expensive coal-fired power!
Who's with me?!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
According to outspoken
Nationals senator without portfolio
Matt Canavan...
(LAUGHTER)
That's him.
..who in this clip is in, I think,
the tool aisle at Bunnings,
this will all get only worse
under Labor.
It is absolutely absurd
and is selling out
this nation's sovereignity,
and we should fight back against
that, because it'll only get worse
when they get into...
if they ever get into power
and have to do deals
with the Greens as well.
Yes. Our national 'sovereignity'
is at stake.
No, sir or madam, we need to build
more coal-fired power stations,
and the government needs
to pay for them.
Unlike the weather and foreigners,
coal is dependable.
Even when...
(LAUGHTER)
Even when an explosion
in one Queensland coal-fired plant
caused mass outages last year,
Matt reckoned it was because
we had let our energy system
become vulnerable
so that one explosion was enough
to take down the power
for thousands of people.
"Build modern coal-fired
power stations," tweeted Matt,
"so we can keep the lights on,
exclamation mark."
Matt Canavan's skin care consultant,
Brett Campervan.
So, what's to stop more explosions
taking out any new
coal power stations we build?
Well, Shaun, the only way
to guard against explosions
is to decentralise our electricity
generation infrastructure.
The more coal-fired power stations
we have around the network,
the more secure
our electricity will be.
So that way, if there's an explosion
in one of them,
Correct, and that's why
Matt is advocating
for a rooftop coal-fired power
station scheme for all Australians.
So that way, if there's an explosion
in one of them,
as there surely will be,
there'll still be plenty of
backup capacity in our suburbs.
At the very least, the explosions
would provide some light.
Correct.
How would you get the coal
to all those houses?
Oh, there'll be challenges, Shaun.
Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
Fortunately, most houses already
have a gas connection,
so they'll be able to run
their rooftop coal plant on that
until their street is hooked up
to a national mine-to-the-curb
coal delivery network.
I already have 400 missed calls
from Joel Fitzgibbon,
so it's safe to say this proposal's
got bipartisan support.
(ALARM BLEEPS)
Oop. Time to take my tablets.
(LAUGHTER)
Meanwhile, our energy and emissions
reduction minister, Angus Taylor,
has been having increasing trouble
reconciling the competing interests
of his two portfolios.
He claims his government
is "technology-agnostic",
which means that he isn't sure
technology exists
because it can't be proved,
but at the same time
regularly attends a church
where people dance around naked,
worshipping piles of burning coal.
This cognitive dissonance
has manifested itself recently
in Angus decrying those opposing
federal government investment
in gas and oil exploration
in the Beetaloo Basin
as 'activists',
boasting that Australia has
"kept its foot on the accelerator"
in terms of such exploration,
and wagering that
countries in Europe
facing the energy privations
of Russia's war in Ukraine
wished they'd had
a gas-fired recovery like we had.
So, is taxpayer-funded investment
into fossil fuel exploration
and taxpayer-funded investment
into machines that magic away
their carbon emissions
the best idea?
Why not just spend the money once
on stuff like windmills,
solar panels, batteries
and butt plugs for cattle...
(LAUGHTER)
..psychic bridge across
Angus Taylor's polarised agendas
Dichotomy August?
Shaun, Labor have all these
great plans to save the planet
using good vibes or what have you,
but where do they expect
to get the money
for all these wonderful toys?
(LAUGHTER)
The same place you are?
I'll tell you.
OK.
The same place we are - out the back
pockets of working families.
But only we can deliver
good, clean, dependable power
at affordable prices,
whereas Labor will deliver
exactly the same thing
except when the wind ain't shining
and the sun ain't blowing
and the batteries ain't working.
Mmm.
Good man.
Why wouldn't the batteries
be working?
Beware the fibreglass pink batt man!
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, but insulation batts
and batteries
are two completely different things,
aren't they?
Let me explain it to you
one more time.
Australians want affordable power,
no emissions,
no lack of reliability,
a cup of coffee and wheat toast.
(LAUGHTER)
You're investing
in oil exploration...
Right.
..you want to keep prices down...
Now we understand each other.
(LAUGHTER)
..yet you won't cut the fuel excise
to reduce the rising price
of petrol?
Let me explain it again.
We need the fuel excise
to pay for the roads.
The roads are being swept away
in the floods.
We can't use the money
in the Emergency Response Fund
because we're saving that
for a rainy day,
a day when another fresh hell
we haven't planned for adequately -
like, say, I don't know,
national security -
threatens to wipe us all out!
(LAUGHTER)
Figures don't lie.
Unless they're on a PDF coming out
of Angus's office printer.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you very much,
Dichotomy August.
Ah!
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Well, not coming up because
Starstruck is on in a minute...
Another government MP
crosses the floor.
Australia Post defends
controversial underarm delivery.
And PM escapes questioning
through humanitarian corridor.
Well, tune in next week,
when we look at the independents
challenging moderate
Liberal candidates
following Liberal MP Dave Sharma's
warning that...
If it looks like a political party,
if it acts like a political party,
if it feels like a political party,
I'd suggest it is a political party.
Mind you, given
Dave's own election materials
make no mention of the Liberal Party
and uses the same colour
as the independent candidate,
it's also safe to say
if it looks like an independent,
acts like an independent
and feels like an independent,
it's probably just a Liberal
candidate trying to convince you
they've got nothing to do with
the whack-jobs they sit next to
at the party room meetings
and who've been dictating
the aimless direction of the country
for the last eight and a half years.
(LAUGHTER)
Goodbye.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captions by Red Bee Media
Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation
Red Bee Media.
Hey, it's going to be very difficult
for Shaun Micallef
to be able to send this up.
# Wiki-wiki-wah
Wiki-wiki-wiki-wah-wah
# Wah-wiki-wiki-wiki-wah-wah-wah
(THEME MUSIC)
# Wiki-wah
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Well, it's official -
according to this week's Newspoll,
for the first time in two years,
Anthony Albanese has drawn level
with Scott Morrison
on 42% as preferred prime minister,
which means we don't have
a preferred prime minister.
(LAUGHTER)
We're obviously looking for
a government to be run
by some sort of co-op.
And interestingly,
16% registered as 'uncommitted',
so both parties will,
I'm sure, be looking
to get those people committed.
(LAUGHTER)
Although, I'm not sure if they're
allowed to vote if that happens.
The big question, though, is,
how did it come to this?
A big question I'd like to answer
with a little bit of Plain Speakin'.
(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)
(PIG SQUEALS)
OK, so, there's this guy, right?
I don't want to say who it is.
Doesn't matter who it is.
(LAUGHTER)
Could be you or I,
so relatable is he.
Anyway, he was sick with COVID
a couple of weeks back
and he couldn't control
the narrative and gaslight us
as much as he usually does,
so two of his friends,
very close friends -
so close, in fact, they often
hold hands with each other...
(LAUGHTER)
..tried to win us over
in the hope they could get his job
in a leadership spill.
Now, one of the men -
doesn't matter which one -
tried to frighten us into liking him
by pointing at China
and saying, "Boogie boogie!"
(LAUGHTER)
And the other, shorter one
tried to get us to like him
by pointing out
our economic recovery
and saying something
about wage growth.
I'm sorry, I always drift off
when he starts talking.
Anyway, the man who was off sick
saw what his friends were up to,
probably on social media,
because he's never off it,
and he thought -
and I'm paraphrasing here -
"Fuck this shit. I'm going to..."
(LAUGHTER)
"..announce that we're spending
38 billion on a submarine base.
"That'll make me look as though
"I'm in charge of the economy and
national security, and not them."
Now, unfortunately,
on the day of the announcement,
one of the proposed sites
for the submarine base, Brisbane,
was under water,
so the whole thing was in bad taste,
but he made the announcement anyway,
eventually getting around to
declaring a national emergency
because of the floods a week later.
Although, he excluded Queensland.
And you know something?
That man was the prime minister -
Scott Morrison.
And unfortunately for the PM...
(LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
Unfortunately for the PM...
Oh, yes, please. Let's applaud...
We should applaud
the prime minister.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Although, unfortunately for the PM,
no matter what he does these days,
he can't seem to win.
He bans journalists when
he goes up there to visit because...
In disasters like this,
not everybody wants a camera
shoved in their face.
Then he lets cameras
get shoved in his face
so they can photograph him
pretending to help clean up
and they make fun of him
on a show like this.
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, look at that.
"ScoMop"! It's dis...
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
It's disgraceful!
And it's not just that -
or they say,
"Oh, sure, not everyone
wants a camera
"shoved in their face
during a disaster,"
but apparently they do want a hand
shoved in their hand.
Well, no more.
Tonight, we are treating the PM
with the dignity his office deserves
and not just someone
obsessed with promoting some image.
(LAUGHTER)
The fact of the matter is,
the PM spent a lot of time
visiting flood-affected areas -
with his hands behind his back
just in case
someone refused to shake them.
(LAUGHTER)
That's smart thinking.
And while he wasn't
apologising for anything,
at least he was using
the word 'apologise'.
I do apologise that
the amount of support
that has been provided,
and continues to be provided,
I still don't believe will always
meet the expectations
that are just at, you know,
very high levels.
Yes, levels that are only seen
once every 500 years.
(LAUGHTER)
So the problem is
not a slow response,
it's that people have been
expecting too much.
Which, when you look
at the government's record
in crisis management,
he's got a point.
(LAUGHTER)
A point that he went on to sharpen.
I don't think any amount of support
was ever going to be enough.
Yes. This is 'can't do' capitalism.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Draymella Burt
from the PMO-No-Not-Again,
some have criticised the federal
government's response as inadequate,
but the PM's got nothing
to apologise for, has he?
Shaun, if you're looking for
inadequate responses,
you only have to look
at the one Scott gave
about whether he should apologise.
Every federal government
would always be apologetic.
See? It's not just the fault
of the state governments.
He's spreading the blame
across past, future
and, for that matter,
purely hypothetical governments.
Can I ask about links between
this flood and climate change?
Shaun, Scott has already avoided
this question very comprehensively.
I mean, we are dealing with
a different climate
to the one we were
dealing with before.
I think that's just an obvious fact.
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, it's obvious.
It goes without saying.
Is that why he didn't
actually say anything?
Look, all we know is
the climate is different,
and it's impossible to say
if it's the old one that has changed
or a totally new one
that's come along
and replaced it
by some other process.
That's not for him to say
or not say.
So it's like how you might not
believe in a change of government
but we will definitely have
a different one after the election?
Well, that's just an obvious fact.
And it's also obvious
that we can't react to this flood
in the ways we would have
other crises.
In what way?
Backgrounding against the flood.
Trying to wedge the floods
in western Sydney
by introducing
a religious discrimination bill.
Having Jenny say she found
the floods a bit disappointing
because there is a such a thing
as manners and respect.
(APPLAUSE)
You know, the usual.
I'm talking to Draymella Burt.
Now, Draymella, when the PM says...
I absolutely understand
the frustration.
I understand the anger.
I understand the disappointment.
..does he also understand
that the frustration, anger
and disappointment
is directed at him
as leader of the country?
Shaun, Scott 'understands'
in the same way
he 'understood' those
Canberra anti-vax protesters
but said that they should blame
the state premiers.
Why not dip into more of that
4 billion Emergency Response Fund?
Shaun, that's
the emergency management minister
Bridget McKenzie's department.
You should ask
HER pretend spokesperson.
Alright, I will.
(LAUGHTER)
Shaun, it's like Bridget reckons -
"We know the climate change
over the coming decades
"will make these events
more intense,
"and that's exactly what
this fund is for."
Yeah, but won't kicking
the climate change can down the road
only ensure things will always be
progressively worse in the future?
Of course,
and this fund will generate
more and more money
to support those disasters.
Which you also won't spend?
The LNP have always been
superior economic managers, Shaun.
The less we spend on climate,
the more we ensure we also never
spend on disaster relief.
You've got to save money
to save money.
Alright, well,
Bridget accompanied the PM
on his trip to Brisbane last week,
where she watched him
shake hands with various people,
compare the cleaning action
of various brooms...
(LAUGHTER)
..and also ape his hand gestures,
as you can see there.
She later stood firmly behind
and unnervingly close to the PM
as he deflected blame for
the tardiness of his response.
What do you think Bridget's thinking
there? Right there?
I think she was petrified
he'd throw her under the bus
and blame her for everything,
like he did with the sports rorts.
(APPLAUSE)
So, tell me, Megan,
why did it take so long
to declare a national emergency?
Ah. Well, as Bridget said, Shaun...
Ah. Well, this is the first time
we've actually had these powers
enacted at a federal level.
What, and you don't know
how to use them yet?
Did they not come with instructions?
If you'd let Bridget finish, Shaun.
Oh, sorry.
There's actually a threshold trigger
for calling a national disaster,
and, you know, if a, um...
uh...national...
..like, if there was
a nuclear attack,
that would be an immediate response.
Whereas this,
there was no single event
through the course of that week
that would trigger the threshold
in the legislation
for us to be able to do that.
(LAUGHTER)
It's not exactly a hair trigger,
is it,
if it takes a nuclear bomb
to set it off?
(LAUGHTER)
It compounds, Shaun.
One droplet of rainwater
is obviously not enough
to pull the threshold trigger,
but several hundred billion
will prompt the states,
in consultation
with the federal government,
to write a letter to the PM,
and then Emergency Management
Australia will advise Bridget
as minister for emergency management
and national recovery
and resilience,
and the threshold trigger
is eventually squeezed,
and then, as Bridget says...
Well, it triggers the fact
that we as a federal government
can reduce red tape.
(LAUGHTER)
Would there be any red tape left
to reduce at that point?
Not really, no. But that makes it
very easy to reduce.
Well, ultimately, though, it seems
to all depend on the advice
Bridget receives from
Emergency Management Australia.
Yes. It's all their fault.
Alright. And who runs that?
The minister for home affairs,
Karen Andrews.
Can I speak to her spokesperson,
please?
Yes, you can. I'll put you through.
Thank you.
One moment, please.
Your call is very important to us.
It's ringing.
OK.
(PHONE RINGS)
(LAUGHTER)
We apologise for the delay, but all
our staff are busy at the moment,
and we recommend you contact
the state premiers.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you very much, Draymella.
Thank you.
Alright. And...
And also thank you very much,
Megan St John.
Well, coming up, lab-grown meat -
how tasty is it?
(HORRIFIED LAUGHTER)
And UN Security Council carpet
really needs a good shampoo.
(LAUGHTER)
Disgusting.
But right now, Mad As Hell's senior
political correspondent Lois Price
is high in the sky and joins us now.
Lois, you flew the prime minister
around the flood-affected areas
last week, as I understand it?
The greatest honour of my life,
Shaun, along with being chosen
as the Cohuna Farmers Weekly's
Junior Queen of the Mallee.
He's so different in real life
to how he seems on the telly.
Well, I must say, he always looks
very rugged and macho in a chopper.
Yeah, very different in real life.
(LAUGHTER)
There's been some discussion, Lois,
about the appropriateness
of using ADF personnel
in these situations.
What are your thoughts?
I like it, Shaun.
In fact, if you ask me -
which you did, I think -
there are many other ways
the government can deploy
the ADF to help,
like managing the sandwich bars
in our CBDs
that closed down after COVID,
or picking fruit on farms,
or standing in
a New South Wales seat
for the Coalition in the election.
And given we're already carrying
a debt of about a trillion dollars,
what about the government's decision
to spend another 38 billion
expanding the ADF?
Yeah, I think they've been surprised
by Labor's popularity
in the polls, Shaun,
so they're trying to make themselves
look more like Labor
by indiscriminately spending
shitloads of money.
Car tyres rooted? It's time
to re-tyre at Pablo's Tyre Palace.
This week, every tyre in the shop
is slashed
after Pablo had a bit of an episode
with a Stanley knife.
Bridgestone, Michelin, Pirelli,
you name it, they're all in ribbons.
This month only, buy 13 tyres
and get the ninth one half price.
I'm Lois Price for Mad As Hell.
(APPLAUSE)
Thanks, Lois! Thank you!
Thanks. Thanks, Shaun.
Well, we alluded to Josh Frydenberg
earlier,
and as the treasurer prepares
for what will be
his last federal budget
before the election,
the excitement is palpable.
(LAUGHTER)
And who can blame him, with reports
that higher interest rates
and higher debt run up
dealing with coronavirus
are on track to push
the federal budget interest bill
towards 30 billion a year,
eclipsing even the cost
of aged care services?
Former government finance spokesborg
Darius Horsham,
that's a lot of money.
How does Josh make it go away?
Well, Richard Colbeck is
doing his best, Shaun.
(LAUGHTER)
No, no, not aged care services,
the interest on the national debt.
Shaun, you are forgetting
the number one rule
of LNP superior economic management.
Uh..."Don't shit on my leg
and tell me it's a brown kitten"?
(LAUGHTER)
No, that is number twos.
Number one is that
the only interest on debt
anyone needs to pay any attention to
is the interest
the Coalition will take
in how bad debt is
once Labor are in charge.
Yes, but these interest payments
are only going to increase
as the interest rates go up.
Which is why it is so important
for the government
to pay back the Labor debt
as soon as possible.
Yeah, but this debt is incurred
under the Coalition government.
Yes, but in a very Labor way, Shaun,
what with all the spending
on the poor and the needy
and the "boo-hoo-hoo, I want to go
to the bathroom" people.
We are all in the bathroom!
(LAUGHTER)
But why repay the debt at all?
A small debt has, say,
you or I worried,
but a large debt
has the lender worried.
Why not let the debt grow,
then when it gets too big
and the lenders come a-knockin',
transfer the government of Australia
into a relative's name
in an offshore account,
and then phoenix
the country of Australia
under the new ownership
of Anthony Albanese?
Oh, Shaun, don't sneeze on my hair
and tell me it's a new range
of Garnier Fructis conditioner!
What you am proposing
will never work.
The point of 'phoenixing' a company
is that the same people
who ran the company before
are meant to run it afterwards,
and the Scott Morrison
and Anthony Albanese
aren't exactly the same person,
are they?
I don't know.
Give Albo a couple more weeks.
(LAUGHTER)
Fantastic.
Alright, thank you very much,
Darius Horsham.
Now, it's not just the PM who's come
in for criticism this last week.
The deputy prime minister,
Barnaby Joyce...
# Is that
the Chattanooga choo-choo? #
..has come in for some stick
claiming the floods were
a "one-in-3,500-year event"
without at least quoting the chapter
and verse from the Book of Genesis
where that figure appears.
Although, to be fair to Barnaby,
the Bureau of Meteorology
have been no help at all.
Their records don't go back
anywhere near that far.
(LAUGHTER)
They're completely useless.
I mean, when's the last time
they accurately predicted a meteor?
(LAUGHTER)
In my view,
they should be closed down
and the money donated to
Barnaby's re-election campaign.
Who's with me?!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Now, as well as the standard
of Barnaby's Bible studies,
there is dissatisfaction
with his lack of understanding
about Russian oil imports,
his likening of Australia to Russia
in the Ukraine conflict,
his disapproval among women,
and his writing-off of the PM
even before turning up in Lismore
and doing it himself.
(LAUGHTER)
Man from the pub who gives Barnaby
his ideas Mick Nobone...
(APPALLED LAUGHTER)
..maybe, uh...
Mick, maybe you should stop
and let Barnaby come up with
a few of his own ideas.
You can blame Bumblebee
for many things, Shaun,
but you can't blame him
for the floods.
He hasn't been minister for water
since 2017.
This is a natural disaster,
so if people are gonna blame anyone,
they should be blaming
Mother Nature.
Pfft! Women, eh?
Mmm.
(LAUGHTER)
Is it a natural disaster, though?
The LNP do seem keen to distance the
floods from its climate inaction,
just as they did
after the bushfires.
Well, which is it we're causing?
Fire, or its opposite, water?
Make up your bloody minds.
I guess the main criticism is
that the ADF weren't involved
early enough in the flood recovery,
that there should have been
more uniforms on the ground.
Well, it's funny
you should mention that, actu...
(SIGHS) One sec.
I said to Carbuncleby, I said,
"Why don't you just send
a whole bunch of actual ADF uniforms
"to the flood-affected areas
straightaway,
"then get the people up there
who are actually helping
with the clean-up
"to dress up in them
while they did that essential work?"
(LAUGHTER)
That way, the community
would have seen
people in ADF uniforms helping
from day one,
which would have provided that sense
that the government
cared about them.
(LAUGHTER)
The actual ADF could rock up
a few days later
and focus on their core function
of filming promotional videos
of themselves unloading and then
reloading trailers full of debris.
Yes, I suppose that's right.
Plus, dressing up civilians
in uniform would be one way
for the ADF to get
anywhere close to their target
of an extra 18,500 new personnel
they're after.
NOW you're thinking like Barnably.
Alright. Well, thank you very much,
Mick. Mick Nobone.
I haven't finished yet.
Yep.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Now, there's no doubt our defence
resources are overstretched.
I mean, look at
this recovery vehicle
having to urgently leave
the flood front line
to sit in the background
during the PM's press conference...
(LAUGHTER)
..to make him look more imposing.
But what will this 38 billion
defence force expansion,
the biggest since the Vietnam War -
always the reassuring gold standard
when it comes to
military excellence -
mean in real terms,
Vice Rear Cabin Boy Sir Bobo Gargle?
Well, I'll have more junior officers
under me, Shaun,
and that can only be a good thing.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, the PM's used this announcement
to put the boot into
the opposition, claiming...
REPORTER: Defence would have
received 55 billion less
if the Coalition
had maintained funding
at the settings it inherited
from Labor.
That's a yawning gap.
Now, to put both the yawning
and the gap into perspective,
55 billion could have bought us
the French submarines the LNP
government initially bought in 2016,
or half of those same submarines
a few years later,
or we could have taken
the 2.4 billion already spent
on the submarines
that never got built
and scrapped them 20 times over.
Or, if you really wanted to splurge,
we could have blown it
on roughly a third of
the estimated 171 billion
that the new AUKUS submarines
may end up costing us.
Look, I don't want to politicise the
issue, Shaun, but the PM is right.
If Labor had remained in power,
then we wouldn't have been able
to afford even a third
of the speculative, undesigned,
unpurchased submarines
that we don't have today.
This interview with Bobo Gargle
is brought to you
by Pablo's Tyre Palace.
(LAUGHTER)
Sorry, Bobo, you were saying?
Oh, yes.
One thing we're
going to need, Shaun,
when we get our new
nuclear submarines,
apart from someone who knows
how to maintain them,
is somewhere to put them.
And that's why
the Morrison-Joyce government -
and I don't mean that
pejoratively - is...
..establishing a second
submarine bose on our east coast.
A submarine 'bose'?
Yes.
A 'bose' being
a 'base' on the 'coast'.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
I think he meant to say...
I think he meant to say 'boast'.
Right. And I understand
from this clip...
REPORTER: Of 19 potential sites,
Defence has narrowed it down
to three -
either in Brisbane, Newcastle
or Port Kembla.
Depending on which is most marginal
before the election.
Alright, now, Malcolm...
# Smooth operator... #
..Turnbull is apparently
not a fan, is he?
I mean, really,
this has descended into farce.
Has it?
No, I won't have that.
It's AScended into farce.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, the ADF has copped some flak
over the flood emergency response,
hasn't it?
And unfairly so, Shaun.
You can't expect the ADF
to miracly be everywhere at once.
'Miracly'?
Yes.
Is that a word?
Absolutely.
Can you point to another occasion
when that word has ever been used?
I can.
I mean, the ADF just can't
miracly get through things...
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
..that you can't get through
to get to a particular location.
My humblest apologies.
And finally, Bobo,
we have a video question
from Anthony in New South Wales.
Why are people having to pitch in
and privately hire helicopters
when the ADF have access
to these resources?
Well, that's a good question,
Anthony.
(LAUGHTER)
So that we get them used to the idea
that should we become involved
in a conflict,
they will need to hire their own
armoured tanks and submarines.
And what of the gap
in our submarine capability
before the arrival
of the nuclear-powered ones
and the speculation
about the possibility
of leasing some in the interim?
What if you can't lease any?
Well, then...we lease...
No, no, no, no.
We said we're... No, we said
we're not doing that anymore.
Oh.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
No!
(LAUGHTER)
No! It's been 10 years
and we've just worked out
it doesn't make any sense at all.
(LAUGHTER)
Anyway, you were saying?
(ROARS) ..the Kraken!
('MICKEY' PLAYS)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
# Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
# Hey, Mickey
Hey, Mickey... #
No, no, no, no! No, that's enough!
No, no, no, no! Out! Off! Off!
VOICEOVER: Life is busy,
and it can be hard to stay on top
of everything that's happening.
In fact, we can't do it.
It's impossible.
Sorry, but there's too much
going on.
Maybe try SkyNews.
VOICEOVER: Ready for
some new adventures?
Why don't you fuck off
back to the city?
Back Roads is back...
You stinkin' ABC greenie!
..on a journey to some of this
country's most remote towns...
We all watch Prime here anyway!
..and to meet some of our most
fascinating local characters.
Nothing to do here. Can't wait
to get out of this shithole.
You just can't get stuff here.
We can't get fast broadband,
can't get a doctor,
can't get a booster shot,
can't get a COVID test...
Mice, you can get. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, we had a bloody mouse plague
last year -
now you can't get hold
of a single RAT!
(LAUGHS)
Nah, it's shithouse.
Sell off the bloody ABC!
You're all just Labor stooges!
You won't put that on TV, will you?
Or if you do, you'll make me out
to be some two-dimensional idiot
by getting a really broad
performance from the actor.
(SPITS)
Partly new Back Roads.
Two nights ago at 8:00 and on iview.
Now, retired Admiral Chris Barrie,
a former colleague of
Vice Rear Cabin Boy Sir Bobo Gargle,
is a senior member of the Australian
Security Leaders Climate Group,
who have been highlighting the ways
in which a worsening climate
will destabilise global security,
and he blames:
Which does beg the question,
what would Woolworths be like
as a government?
Gemma Peadie,
leader of the opposition, Coles.
They would be
an absolute disaster, Shaun.
Brad Banducci is the most left-wing
leader of a supermarket
since Joseph Stalin had that
IGA franchise in St Petersburg.
Woolworths say they're
"the fresh food people"
as if we at Coles are selling
rotten, mouldy produce.
It's just a scare campaign, Shaun.
And what we know will happen
under a Woolworths government
is that home delivery times
will blow out,
shopping trolleys will lie around
abandoned for months,
special catalogues will be
shoved in our letterboxes
despite the 'no junk mail' signs,
and the cost of everyday items
like Nivea Cellular
Anti-age Night Cream -
now just 16.80 at Coles,
save 11.20 - will skyrocket.
(LAUGHTER)
Thanks very much, Gemma.
And of course,
the way the polling's going,
independent grocers may well end up
with the balance of power.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, Tony Abbott - was he
our best prime minister ever?
No! No!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Well, Australia's biggest
coal-fired power station, Eraring,
is set to shut down
seven years ahead of time.
The plant's owner, Origin Energy,
has blamed cheap renewables
for making the economics
unsustainable.
Right, so, cheap renewable energy
is the bad guy here.
But the federal energy minister
is warning
of grid instability
and higher power prices.
OK, so, cheap renewable energy
leads to higher power prices.
Well, bugger that.
I want the cheaper,
more expensive coal-fired power!
Who's with me?!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
According to outspoken
Nationals senator without portfolio
Matt Canavan...
(LAUGHTER)
That's him.
..who in this clip is in, I think,
the tool aisle at Bunnings,
this will all get only worse
under Labor.
It is absolutely absurd
and is selling out
this nation's sovereignity,
and we should fight back against
that, because it'll only get worse
when they get into...
if they ever get into power
and have to do deals
with the Greens as well.
Yes. Our national 'sovereignity'
is at stake.
No, sir or madam, we need to build
more coal-fired power stations,
and the government needs
to pay for them.
Unlike the weather and foreigners,
coal is dependable.
Even when...
(LAUGHTER)
Even when an explosion
in one Queensland coal-fired plant
caused mass outages last year,
Matt reckoned it was because
we had let our energy system
become vulnerable
so that one explosion was enough
to take down the power
for thousands of people.
"Build modern coal-fired
power stations," tweeted Matt,
"so we can keep the lights on,
exclamation mark."
Matt Canavan's skin care consultant,
Brett Campervan.
So, what's to stop more explosions
taking out any new
coal power stations we build?
Well, Shaun, the only way
to guard against explosions
is to decentralise our electricity
generation infrastructure.
The more coal-fired power stations
we have around the network,
the more secure
our electricity will be.
So that way, if there's an explosion
in one of them,
Correct, and that's why
Matt is advocating
for a rooftop coal-fired power
station scheme for all Australians.
So that way, if there's an explosion
in one of them,
as there surely will be,
there'll still be plenty of
backup capacity in our suburbs.
At the very least, the explosions
would provide some light.
Correct.
How would you get the coal
to all those houses?
Oh, there'll be challenges, Shaun.
Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
Fortunately, most houses already
have a gas connection,
so they'll be able to run
their rooftop coal plant on that
until their street is hooked up
to a national mine-to-the-curb
coal delivery network.
I already have 400 missed calls
from Joel Fitzgibbon,
so it's safe to say this proposal's
got bipartisan support.
(ALARM BLEEPS)
Oop. Time to take my tablets.
(LAUGHTER)
Meanwhile, our energy and emissions
reduction minister, Angus Taylor,
has been having increasing trouble
reconciling the competing interests
of his two portfolios.
He claims his government
is "technology-agnostic",
which means that he isn't sure
technology exists
because it can't be proved,
but at the same time
regularly attends a church
where people dance around naked,
worshipping piles of burning coal.
This cognitive dissonance
has manifested itself recently
in Angus decrying those opposing
federal government investment
in gas and oil exploration
in the Beetaloo Basin
as 'activists',
boasting that Australia has
"kept its foot on the accelerator"
in terms of such exploration,
and wagering that
countries in Europe
facing the energy privations
of Russia's war in Ukraine
wished they'd had
a gas-fired recovery like we had.
So, is taxpayer-funded investment
into fossil fuel exploration
and taxpayer-funded investment
into machines that magic away
their carbon emissions
the best idea?
Why not just spend the money once
on stuff like windmills,
solar panels, batteries
and butt plugs for cattle...
(LAUGHTER)
..psychic bridge across
Angus Taylor's polarised agendas
Dichotomy August?
Shaun, Labor have all these
great plans to save the planet
using good vibes or what have you,
but where do they expect
to get the money
for all these wonderful toys?
(LAUGHTER)
The same place you are?
I'll tell you.
OK.
The same place we are - out the back
pockets of working families.
But only we can deliver
good, clean, dependable power
at affordable prices,
whereas Labor will deliver
exactly the same thing
except when the wind ain't shining
and the sun ain't blowing
and the batteries ain't working.
Mmm.
Good man.
Why wouldn't the batteries
be working?
Beware the fibreglass pink batt man!
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, but insulation batts
and batteries
are two completely different things,
aren't they?
Let me explain it to you
one more time.
Australians want affordable power,
no emissions,
no lack of reliability,
a cup of coffee and wheat toast.
(LAUGHTER)
You're investing
in oil exploration...
Right.
..you want to keep prices down...
Now we understand each other.
(LAUGHTER)
..yet you won't cut the fuel excise
to reduce the rising price
of petrol?
Let me explain it again.
We need the fuel excise
to pay for the roads.
The roads are being swept away
in the floods.
We can't use the money
in the Emergency Response Fund
because we're saving that
for a rainy day,
a day when another fresh hell
we haven't planned for adequately -
like, say, I don't know,
national security -
threatens to wipe us all out!
(LAUGHTER)
Figures don't lie.
Unless they're on a PDF coming out
of Angus's office printer.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you very much,
Dichotomy August.
Ah!
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Well, not coming up because
Starstruck is on in a minute...
Another government MP
crosses the floor.
Australia Post defends
controversial underarm delivery.
And PM escapes questioning
through humanitarian corridor.
Well, tune in next week,
when we look at the independents
challenging moderate
Liberal candidates
following Liberal MP Dave Sharma's
warning that...
If it looks like a political party,
if it acts like a political party,
if it feels like a political party,
I'd suggest it is a political party.
Mind you, given
Dave's own election materials
make no mention of the Liberal Party
and uses the same colour
as the independent candidate,
it's also safe to say
if it looks like an independent,
acts like an independent
and feels like an independent,
it's probably just a Liberal
candidate trying to convince you
they've got nothing to do with
the whack-jobs they sit next to
at the party room meetings
and who've been dictating
the aimless direction of the country
for the last eight and a half years.
(LAUGHTER)
Goodbye.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Captions by Red Bee Media
Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation