Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell (2012–2018): Season 14, Episode 6 - Episode #14.6 - full transcript

Hey, it's going to be very difficult
for Shaun Micallef

to be able to send this up.

# Wiki-wiki-wah
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(THEME MUSIC)

# Wiki-wah

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Well, well, well!

Well, it was International
Women's Day yesterday,



and what better way to celebrate it
than by releasing the Thom report

exonerating Alan Tudge
from any wrongdoing...

(LAUGHTER)
..the previous Friday?

Showing sensitivity, the government
released it at 4:45pm

to avoid it being
on the evening's news,

which was very nice of them, and
I think they should be applauded.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Now, I've read the report, and I've
got to tell you, it is disgusting.

I mean, look at it. All the good
bits have been redacted.

I mean, look at it. All the good
(LAUGHTER)

It's a story
as old as politics itself.

An education minister has four
occasions of intimacy with a staffer

not involving sexual intercourse,

the staffer gets promoted
with his approval



after the first occasion of intimacy
not involving sexual intercourse,

and an inquiry finds
that there has been

no breach of ministerial standards.

And I would also...I would like
to congratulate the media

for their restraint
in reporting on the matter.

It was almost a full hour
before the Sydney Morning Herald

published the minister's texts
to his staffer

and the Australian published
the staffer's texts to the minister.

So, some desultory applause

for the media too, I think,
ladies and gentlemen.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
No, not too much. Not too much.

Not too much.

Now, despite apparently
not doing anything wrong,

Alan has decided not to return
to the front bench,

preferring instead to remain under
the bus where the PM threw him...

(LAUGHTER)

..and devote his time and energy
to a doomed re-election campaign.

The good news, though, is that
his portfolio will be looked after

by this man, Stuart Robert.

(GROANING)

(LAUGHTER)

No, Stuart is a safe pair of hands

and he knows all about the
importance of ministerial standards,

having breached them
when he was human services minister

and assistant minister for defence

and he went to Beijing
to attend a ceremony

to sign a deal with a mining company

in which he had
a financial interest.

And to be fair to Stuart,

he's been a good
acting education minister so far.

Within only a week
of being appointed,

he rejected six approved
research programs

because they "did not represent
value for taxpayer money".
he rejected six approved
research programs

And Stuart also knows
the value of taxpayer money,

having once had to pay back
$38,000 of it in...

(LAUGHTER)
..excessive home internet charges.

(APPLAUSE)
Certainly. Let's applaud Stuart.

Now, Stuart is already the minister

for employment, workforce, skills,
and small and family business,

as well as acting
education minister.

Not bad for a man
who could barely find his own arse

when it was sitting
on the back bench.

But the prime minister...

AUDIENCE: Scott Morrison!

..had bigger thorns
in his paw this week

than an education minister
who didn't do anything wrong

and the fact that
his acting education minister

is Stuart Robodebt.

(LAUGHTER)

He's got an election to win,
and the good news is

that the Liberal Party's chances
of doing that

have certainly been enhanced

now that they have some candidates
for it in New South Wales.

As you know, the party's federal
executive and the state branch

have been squabbling like seagulls

over who should run for the nine
federal New South Wales seats.

The glacial speed with which
the party has dealt with this

made the progress of
a National Integrity Commission

look like it's in
a Large Hadron Collider.

(LAUGHTER)

The New South Wales state branch

blamed immigration minister
Alex Hawke

for failing to make himself
available to review candidates,

ultimately engineering a crisis
which required federal intervention.

He even failed to show up

to a Supreme Court hearing
to resolve the matter.

Anyway, it's all resolved now

and the PM will get
what he wanted all along -

a bunch of candidates
who will do his bidding.

Incidentally,
we are worried about Alex.

If anybody has any information
as to his whereabouts...

(LAUGHTER)

..please send your entry to our
'Where's Hawkey?' competition and...

(LAUGHTER)

..and you could win a pair of
Richard Glover Lover Glove Covers.

(LAUGHTER)

Fondle ABC Radio's favourite
drive presenter with these

hand-stitched, washable poly-cotton
hand and finger protectors

guaranteed to fit your gloves
like a glove.

Mmm, that's completely unnecessary
on a number of levels.

(LAUGHTER)
I'm sorry, Richard.

Of course,
it's not all been good news.

The PM has been in quarantine,

stuck in this hellhole
for the last week...

(LAUGHTER)
..with COVID-19,

and I was pleased to see that when
the news broke of the PM's illness,

Albo, his sworn enemy,
was quick to pass on his hopes

that the PM overcame
not only COVID-19

but two other afflictions as well,

tweeting that he wished him
"a speedy recovery

"from not only COVID
but from myself..."

(LAUGHTER)

"..and all
the Australian Labor team".

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
But, uh... Yes, certainly.

Very nice of him.

But of course,
it should be remembered,

it's the long-term effects of Labor
that can be really debilitating.

(LAUGHTER)

The PM's work experience
and excursion coordinator

is Donald McEngadine.

Donald, it must have been
difficult for the PM

not to be able to get out and about
this last week.

Well, of course it is.

It's been very difficult for ScoMo

and everyone trapped
in that house with him.

In any given week, we would normally
be out and about in the community

being photographed rubbing elbows
with the Quiet Australians,

pointing at maps, mishandling
their tools, fumbling his words,

rivalling Florence Foster Jenkins
for tone-deafness.

Yes, when previously
in self-isolation, though,

he was still able to perform
his duties as PM, wasn't he?

Of course he was.
Yeah.

Just because you don't see him being
PM doesn't mean he stops being PM.

As they say,
if a tree falls in a forest,

chances are there's a koala in it

and it's part of a dodgy
land clearing deal.

(LAUGHTER)
Alright.

So it's business as usual?
Of course.

Last time, I was able to get off
some great shots of the Scomester

exercising...

(LAUGHTER)
There he is.

..exercising while listening
to Tina Arena's greatest hits.

So, just a short workout, then?

Yeah.

But, now...
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Yeah, but look how blurry
I made his legs look!

Oh, yeah.
Like he was going so fast,

the camera couldn't even
register the speed.

Like he's a character
in a Warner Bros. cartoon.

Yes. It's a very powerful image.
Mmm.

And I also got this candid moment
of him on his mobile

scrolling through the comments
about the previous picture

after we posted it on Instagram.

Yeah, what it makes up for in
raw emotion, it lacks in trousers.

Mmm.
(LAUGHTER)

It's an homage to this portrait
of John F. Kennedy.

Back in the '60s, of course,
it wasn't considered appropriate

for a world leader
to show a man's bare legs.

Yeah, well, different times.
Well, of course they are.

Regrettably, this time around,

I couldn't get into Kirribilli
to shoot the big fella

and he had to do selfies.

Look at that.
(LAUGHTER)

Shithouse!
Mmm.

No composition of shot.
Framing's uninspired.

I told him to use landscape mode,
but he reckons

his arms are too short
to hold the phone that far away.

Yeah. He's got no idea.

He's no fucking Richard Avedon,
that's for sure!

Can I ask some non-cult-of-
personality questions, if I may?

Firstly, about the war in Ukraine.
Of course.

Alright, now, one of the practical
ways Australia is helping Ukraine,

aside from calling Russia bullies
whether they like it or not,

is to support those
fleeing the country.

Yes, and I hope you noticed

the helpful visual demonstration
by ScoMo there

of putting something on top of
a pile of other things.

Yeah, yeah, a bit more of that

and we wouldn't have to bother
listening to him.

I'm talking to Donald McEngadine.

(LAUGHTER)

But when he says

"the visa applications
of all Ukrainian citizens",

have all 44 million
Ukrainian citizens

applied for Australian visas?

I wouldn't think so, Shaun.

Unless it's some Labor
branch-stacking exercise.

He has been criticised, though,
for this, hasn't he?

Oh, I'm sure the usual suspects
have had a crack, Shaun.

Which myopic left-wing loonies
are at it this time?

Well, the Australian
Christian Lobby.

(LAUGHTER)
Uh...right.

Whose spokesperson said,
"By 'go to the top of the pile',

"what does this say in regards
to those fleeing the horrors

"of the Taliban in Afghanistan?"

Well, I take their point,
but when you have a pile,

someone has to be on top of the pile

and someone on the bottom,
don't they?

Well, assuming there needs to be
a pile at all.

Does there have to be a pile?

Well, if there wasn't a pile,

all the visa applicants
would just pile in.

How do you think we managed
to get unemployment so low?

A pile of visa applications
is far more preferable -

to the electorate -
than a pile of unemployed.

to the electorate -
Well, speaking of unemployed,

what will Scott Morrison do
if he loses the election?

He'll go straight to the top
of that pile.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm still talking
to Donald McEngadine.

(LAUGHTER)

Finally, Donald,
the PM's gone hard on China

for not speaking out against Russia.

And he doesn't apologise for that.
Yeah.

Or, indeed, anything.
Yep.

Australia is a country...

..and when we see something
go through to the keeper

after coming off the edge
of the bat, we'll call it out.

It is inexcusable for a country

with such a close
and longstanding relationship

to remain silent on such an issue.

And I guess the PM will
similarly be pushing India

to speak out against
the Russian invasion?

Well, we're not in the business
of telling other leaders

how they should run their own
sovereign nations, Shaun.

That's a matter for them.

Well, thank you very much,
Donald McEngadine,

and for coming in tonight,
please accept this Scomomix blender.

Ooh!
(LAUGHTER)

(GAME SHOW MUZAK)
Ideal for incompleting sentences

and half-arsing analogies

to make the PM's signature
word smoothies.

Mmm, that's nice!

SCOTT MORRISON: "That daughter
was written by my poem."

(APPLAUSE)

How good?

(LAUGHTER)

Not particularly.

Well, again, another good political
interview from me, I think,

and we cross now live
to Laura Tingle for her reaction.

(LAUGHTER)
Yes, very much as I thought.

Thank you very much, Laura.
(APPLAUSE)

Um...now, while we've paused,
a bit of housekeeping, if I may -

and you'll notice that in honour of
International Women's Day,

I am doing it.

(LAUGHTER)
First of all, some congratulations.

Home affairs minister Karen Andrews
has announced the finalists

in the banned terrorist
organisation list for 2022,

and they include
Hay'at Tahrir al-Sham,

Hurras al-Din
and the National Socialist Order,

the Abu Sayyaf Group, al-Qaeda,

al-Qaeda in the Lands
of the Islamic Maghreb,

and Jemaah Islamiah.

So, well done there, I think.
(APPLAUSE)

Not too much. Oh!

And given the criteria for being
a banned terrorist organisation

includes being,
in the government's view,

extremist groups
with hateful ideologies,

commiserations to GetUp!
and Climate 200,

who must have only just missed out.

Still, there's always next year.

Also, an apology - last week,
I referred to the Quad alliance

as being comprised of Australia,
India, the US and the UK,

whereas it is Australia,
India, the US and Japan.

And I also suggested
that the PM hosted those talks,

whereas in fact they are hosted by
our foreign minister, Marise Payne.

And I think we have footage of
Marise Payne hosting the quad talks.

There they are, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

That's her there.

We pride ourselves on accuracy
in this show.

Right now, though,
with the federal debt having grown

by 221% in the last 20 years,
equating to 10% a year,

and currently at 44.1% of GDP,

its highest since Menzies was PM
in 1964,

here's Tosh Greenslade
with a wig and glasses

and a cumbersome analogy.

That's exactly right, Shaun.

Net interest alone on our debt
for the coming financial year

is expected to be $14.8 billion,

which, to give you some idea
of how much that is,

is about 93% of what we all paid for
last year in undeserved JobKeeper.

So, what can be done to avoid

the inevitable slashing
of government spending

on things that can't be stuffed
into pork barrels,

like unemployment benefits
and the NDIS?

Well, the solution is simple
when you realise

that money can be made
out of nothing

by borrowing even more of it
from our global investors,

reinvesting it in
our sovereign wealth fund,

and then distributing the dividends
through a trust

to fund our welfare system.

At real negative interest rates,

the cost of servicing the loan
is less than GDP growth,

meaning our entire welfare system
would cost us nothing.

Enough return and we could fund
the age pension the same way,

free preschool for all,

and the Pharmaceutical
Benefits Scheme,

or even more important things,
like the ABC and my wage.

Shaun.

Tossed Green Salad there
in a wig and glasses

being satirical about
modern monetary theory.

Not that things don't seem
to be going OK without it.

Like many of us forced
to stay at home for months on end

with nothing to do
but eat and drink,

the Australian economy
is now 3.4% bigger

than it was before the pandemic.

Earlier today, I spoke
to treasurer Josh Frydenberg:

So, take a bow, Australian economy,

but stand up straight again quickly
before Labor boots you up the arse.

Still, what a magnificent economy
it is, though.

In fact, I'd like to take
the opportunity tonight

to nominate it for
Australian of the Year.

It's been so resilient
in the face of natural disasters,

hammered by the global pandemic,
decimated by JobKeeper,

lurching from one lockdown
to the next,

and after it all, having delivered
an annual growth rate of 4.2%

on the eve of an election.

It's certainly smiled
on Scott Morrison -

unlike previous
Australians of the Year.

(LAUGHTER)

Small round of applause
for the economy.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Now, the, uh...the trouble
with being in the middle

of an unofficial
election campaign, though,

is that you can't use official
campaign money to pay for stuff,

and have to run off your posters
and other material

on the work photocopier
at taxpayers' expense

when no-one's looking.

The treasurer's office, though,

has found a neat solution
to this problem

by accidentally sending its stuff
to an ALP photocopier...

(LAUGHTER)
..for printing.

Walbin Hecht, you look after IT
in Parliament House.

(LAUGHTER)

I do, Shaun.

I keep everything up to date,
shipshape and Bristol fashion -

mimeograph machines, pneumatic
tubes, Bakelite telephones,

potato stencils, baskets on pulleys,
phone message spikes,

street urchins for some of the more
long-distance communications.

You name it, I'm all over it

when it comes to state-of-the-art
intra-office communications.

How did posters of Josh Frydenberg

and private correspondence from
the Australian Electoral Commission

saying the posters might breach
the Australian Electoral Act

end up coming out of the photocopier
of a Labor office

instead of Josh Frydenberg's?

That's the first I've heard of it!
That's outrageous!

I've got a good mind to type
a strong letter to the treasurer!

(LAUGHTER)

Note to self -
order some more carbon paper.

There's obviously been some mix-up
with nominating the default printer.

It might need more toner.

(LAUGHTER)

I assume each office has its own
dedicated security code

to avoid this type of thing
happening?

Oh, yes, it is essential

that each office has its unique
passwords and numerical combination

and that access to same
be restricted

to only those with
sufficient clearance.

I've got 'em all written down
in my little black book here.

(LAUGHTER)

Er, Josh Frydenberg - 9265643...
(LAUGHTER)

..password 'Frydo71'.

(LAUGHTER)

Bit easy to crack, that one.
He should change it.

Scott Morrison's got
the right idea -

1234, password 'GodBoy666'.

(LAUGHTER)

But usually...
(APPLAUSE)

..usually he just gets Phil Gaetjens
to burn everything.

Oh, which reminds me -

I was supposed to delete this
Tourism Australia report on him,

but I keep getting
a '401 Unauthorised Error' warning.

See?
(LAUGHTER)

Was there anything else?
Uh, yes.

Well, we have been having trouble
with our air conditioning.

Oh, yes.
Well, that'd be your flanges.

Well, while you're here...
(LAUGHTER)

Thank you, Walbin Hecht, uh...
They're tricky things, flanges.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you, Walbin.

VOICEOVER: This Sunday
on Grantchester,

an unpopular local deadshit
has been murdered.

Colin Grimms says you bought a jar
of pickled onions from his shop

just before closing time,
about half past five.

He wouldn't know his arse from his
elbow. He's a confused old fool.

That'd put a 90-minute hole
in your alibi, though, wouldn't it?

What's he doing here?

Why am I being interrogated
by a bleedin' vicar?

Shut up and answer the question!

I can't do both.

What is it with you lot -
Father Dowling, Father Brown -

all acting like you're from
bleedin' Scotland Yard?

Who's saying mass down the church,
then? Mr Plod?

So, what time DID you get home
on Friday night, then?

I told you, seven o'clock.

You're lying!

You went to that shop
to buy pickled onions! Admit it!

And after the suspect demands to see
DI Keating's superior officers...

This is Chief Inspector
Reverend Tom Valvoline

and Superintendent
Bishop Harvey Norman.

..Reverend Davenport becomes
the subject of a formal complaint.

Could this be the end of
Reverend Will's sleuthing days?

Looks unlikely, doesn't it?

Grantchester.
Sunday on ABC and iview.

And the old, better ones
are on 9Now, I think.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, a monkey paw, whale ear bones,
grey wolf skin,

elephant feet
and an orangutan skull -

if this sounds like someone
you'd like to meet,

call Unique Escort Services today.

(LAUGHTER)

Another good way
of saving taxpayers' money

is to rely on charity,

and the defence minister, Peter
Dutton, has copped some flak lately

after he started a GoFundMe page
for those impacted by the floods.

The PM has defended the move

with his signature
disingenuous obtuseness.

I commend Peter for what he's doing.
I mean, it might...

I mean, I don't understand
the criticism of it, frankly.

I really don't.

Mmm.
(LAUGHTER)

Brion Pegmatite, gatekeeper to
the defence minister's hell mouth,

doesn't Peter understand the same
money ministers use for rorting

can also be used
to fund disaster relief?

Shaun, the money used for rorts
is already spoken for,

and while it's true that
the auditor-general has found

Peter is more likely to fund
community grants in Coalition seats,

it's hard to tell
which seats are Coalition ones

when they're under water.

(LAUGHTER)

So the GoFundMe page would be fairer

because it would avoid government
and ministerial discretion entirely.

Well, the PM has decided to abandon

$100 million worth of previous
car park rorts promised last year,

which the PM said would mean...

What Australians are getting
are more car parks!

Australians are the winners.
Thanks very much!

(LAUGHTER)

Why not just use that money
to help the flood victims?

Shaun, GoFundMe donations
will get to people a lot faster

than emergency relief funding,

as the $5 billion in unspent
natural disaster money attests.

Sure, but money from charities often
ends up in courts for a long time

and not necessarily going
to the people who need it most

and when they need it most.

Shaun, it's election time.

Rest assured that the people
who need to get any money

will be photographed receiving it

in the form of large novelty cheques
delivered by their local members.

If it comes from government and is
going to a safe or marginal seat,

Peter will be there handing it over.

If it's from the GoFundMe page,

then Peter will be there
taking credit for that as well.

It's win-win.

I'm talking to Brion Pegmatite.
What?

Still to come...
(LAUGHTER)

..'Why?', and 'For Fuck's Sake!'.

That's coming up later
in No Judgement.

Brion, can I ask you
about Peter's portfolio -

and I'm not talking about
this study of him as...

(GROANING, LAUGHTER)

..Audrey Hepburn from
Breakfast At Tiffany's.

(MOANS) What a hunk.

The, uh...
(LAUGHTER)

The Defence Department has rejected
vehicles you're having built

at a cost of $1.3 billion

because of concerns
about their brakes.

That seems like a waste of money -
money that could be sitting unused

in a disaster relief fund
earning interest.

Shaun, we in the Ministry of Defence
would like to think

that in our own way,
how we use public monies

paying for things like $45 billion
frigates that are slow and unsafe,

$16 billion joint strike fighters
which can barely fly,

and $171 billion nuclear submarines

on top of the $2.4 billion
we've already paid

for the cancelled French ones,

that we're a bit of
a disaster ourselves.

(LAUGHTER)

These $1.3 billion faulty brakes
on some land-based vehicle

are a drop in the ocean.

Yes, but given you've identified
the problem with the brakes,

why has the contractor
continued to produce them?

The problem with making faulty
brakes is that once you get going,

production is almost
impossible to stop.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Yeah. Well, thanks, Brion.

And for coming in tonight,
please accept this tub

of Climate Change Denialopolitan
ice-cream.

(LAUGHTER)

The great unrelenting summer treat.

Oh.
It's all melted!

Yes. Well, don't worry.
Somebody else will clean that up.

(LAUGHTER)

The inability of the government
to even deliver a rort to itself

is a free pass for this man,

who could soon be...
(LAUGHTER)

..our prime minister
if he doesn't say anything stupid.

Treating taxpayers' funds
as if it was Liberal Party funds.

Except that the government
actually spends Liberal Party funds,

so there goes his shot
at the top job.

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg, though,
was keen to assure us

that the Urban Congestion Fund:

And I'm glad to hear that,

because I think people are too quick
to jump to the conclusion

that just because the government

isn't doing anything
about something,

that means it's not
important to them.

I mean... (LAUGHS)
I mean, on that logic,

a federal anti-corruption commission
isn't important to them.

(LAUGHTER)

Hey, who'd like to hear
a cute animal story?

(CHEERING)

OK. Cue animation
and musical sting.

(EXCITING MUSICAL STING)

OK, now...
(LAUGHTER)

..good news for those who enjoy
the horrific consequences

of crimes against nature.

When man plays God,
it usually doesn't turn out well

for either the mad scientist
or the creation that murders him,

but the University of Melbourne

are hoping to develop technologies
to de-extinct the Tasmanian tiger.

Lindy-Bee Ankle,
this is very exciting news

for Australians everywhere,
including right here in Australia.

I'll say, Shaun!

And it's great news
for the koala and the platypus

and all sorts of native
critters and plants

that look like dying out real soon

because we haven't done anything
about climate change

and don't look like attending to it
anytime soon.

(LAUGHTER)
Mmm. So it's never too late?

2025, 2050, 2070, whenever!

It's never too late for any species

now that we can bring them back
from extinction.

Of course, WE have to
still be alive.

Oh, some DNA, a Petri dish,
an ear on the back of a mouse

and some sort of
giant robot-computer

and even the human race
can be saved, Shaun.

We never have to worry about
looking after the environment again.

Do your darnedest, Ra,
you celestial ball of burning gas!

We will outlive you
and rule the universe for eternity!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Will the, um...

Will the, uh...

Will the Tasmanian tiger enjoy being
brought back from the dead, though?

I mean, he died out in 1936. What
will he make of the modern world?

When he roamed the earth,
King George VI was still king

and Married At First Sight
had, mercifully,

not even been thought possible.
(LAUGHTER)

Shaun, we're not bringing
these things back to life

and then just letting them escape
out the lab through the cat flap

like they would in China.

We'll school them
in the ways of 2022

and release them
back into the wild slowly

in case they go feral and upset
whatever's left of the ecosystem.

Mmm. And if there are problems?

We'll just kill them again.
(LAUGHTER)

They're really easy to wipe out,
as history proves.

Alright. Can the same approach be
taken with the Great Barrier Reef?

Sadly, the thylacine can't
breathe underwater, Shaun.

We've tried it thousands of times
with native cats,

and every time, they drown.

(LAUGHTER)
But no fear.

We are in the process

of future-proofing
the Great Barrier Reef,

creating a more resilient coral

by accelerating the naturally
occurring evolutionary processes.

Right. Hothousing natural selection?

Conditions and temperatures
in our oceans

are perfect for exactly that, Shaun.

And when they reach boiling point,
ka-bloom!

A super monster coral will rise
out of the sea like Godzilla,

but more beautiful

and worth forking out
tourist dollars to have a dekko at.

Alright, well, thank you very much
to Lindy-Bee Ankle

for coming along tonight.

Would you please accept
on behalf of the show

this Scott Morrison
Arc Welding of Autocracy mask?

Wow!
That's yours to keep. Absolutely.

VOICEOVER: Next, Peter Jackson's
312-hour documentary

on the last National Party room
meeting under Michael McCormack

continues.

Then later, catch all the action

with the superyachts
seized by the West

in The Russian Oligarchs'
Sydney To Hobart.

Welcome back.

Well, despite the coming budget
being likely

to roll out more pork barrels
for self-funded retirees

in the hope they'll vote
the Morrison government back in

out of self-interest,

what about those
in their autumn years

who can't afford to be
self-funded or retired?

Boweavil Megafauna.

WOMAN: Where's the drawer?

BOWEAVIL: Like most Australians,

Blinkia Mushroom is
a 105-year-old retiree

who, because of
insufficient superannuation,

must move out of
the modest rental property

negatively geared by her owner son

and move into
an Almohadian nursing home

providing she converts and
reverse-mortgages her funeral plot

to pay for extras
like food and running water.

Well, that's nice.

As her room is only
partially subsidised

by the federal government
and her pension,

paid directly to her care provider's
off-shore account,

is not enough to cover costs,

Blinkia works part-time
as a rodeo clown

entertaining people lining up
for COVID vaccinations

in her local Bunnings car park.

Could you give me a hand, love?

She also contributes
to the gig economy

with the occasional 14-hour shift
at a fulfilment and delivery centre

when her sister can't do it because
of exhaustion, clinical depression

or vitamin D deficiency
brought on by lack of sunlight.

(PHONE CHIMES)
Today, Blinkia is in luck.

Her sister has rickets

and she must get down
to the fulfilment centre by 6am

to replace her or else.

Like most Australians,
Blinkia travels to work

on an old ride-on lawnmower

bearing a flag with a picture
of a vampire on it

that she bought at a garage sale
run by Matt Canavan.

Blinkia picks up a few extra
much-needed dollars

grabbing products and putting them
in a tub before a bell rings.

An electronic glove tells a computer

how many items she's touched
every 30 seconds.

If she doesn't achieve her target,
she is electrocuted.

(ZAP!)

If she does achieve her target,
she's not electrocuted as much...

(BUZZ!)

..and accrues points
that go towards a toilet break -

of uncertain duration,
not including walking time.

I'm not complaining.

It's gratifying to know

that I'm still a valued member
of our society.

that I'm still a valued member
Get back to work, you old crone!

(ZAP!)
Arggh! Oh!

More importantly, though,
it gives me something

that I think we all need

and that many of us forget
in this business of life -

human dignity.

Lights off after 7pm!

Oh.

Goodnight.

Sweet dreams!
(BARKS) And no talking!

Yes.

Hmm. A bit sad, that one.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, not coming up because
Starstruck is on in a minute...

Italy's Mount Etna elects new pope.

And retired ADF personnel
already in aged care facilities

called up and mobilised to go
back in and look after themselves.

And finally, we mentioned
the Vivienne Thom report

into Alan Tudge
earlier in the show,

and a lot of people
have been wondering

why it took so long
for it to be made public

given it was delivered
to the government

back in December of last year.

Next week, a special program

that looks at what's been happening
to that report

during those intervening months.

Here's a sneak peek.

(DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC)
VOICEOVER: This is The Tudge Report.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

Don't miss it.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation