Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell (2012–2018): Season 14, Episode 5 - Episode #14.5 - full transcript

Hey, it's going to be very difficult
for Shaun Micallef to be able

to send this up.

# Wiki-wiki-wah
Wiki-wiki-wiki-wah-wah #

Wah-wiki-wiki-wiki-wah-wah-wah

AND APPLAUSE) (ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)

Thank you.

Ah, well, remember the old days
when all we had to deal

with was a global pandemic?

(BITTER LAUGHTER) Life

When someone compared
somewhere to Nazi Germany,

it was because of border closures.



(LAUGHTER) Not because they were

to invade your country.

And the other thing is I feel

I mean, you think you

He likes animals...

(LAUGHTER) ..he enjoys the outdoors,

hanging out with cool friends...

(LAUGHTER) ..goes out
with a lovely young woman, he...

(LAUGHTER) ..he lives in a secret
luxury fortress built

into a mountain, addresses
the nation from a room with golden

walls, poisons his political
opponents, invaded the Ukraine seven

years ago, and he turns around
and he does something like this.

(LAUGHTER) You know,
I'm glad that Tony Abbott had

the guts to shirtfront
him back in 2014.



(LAUGHTER) Yeah, I bet that made him
realise he wasn't gonna get away

with doing exactly the sort
of thing he's doing now.

So too our current prime minister -
Scott Morrison - is not afraid

to call out the Putin regime
from 14,500 kilometres away.

"For the only thing necessary
for the triumph of evil "is for good

men not to eventually put some
sanctions in place."

And the PM is serious about this.

He has called for
Australian banks to be...

ANDREW PROBYN: ..put on alert
for suspicious transactions.

Yes, and we know from the findings
of the banking royal

commission and the...

(LAUGHTER) ..record-breaking fines
imposed by AUSTRAC for more than 23

million breaches of their money
laundering regulations that

if there's anyone you can trust
to do the right thing,

it's these guys.

(LAUGHTER) Now, when the government
tells them to do something -

unless it's passing
on the interest rate cuts -

they do it.

Now, the more cynical
among you might say,

"Well, what's the point of Australia
imposing sanctions "when we do

so little business with Russia?

"Isn't that just an empty gesture,
"meaningless lip service to create

the illusion "of an impression
of the idea of a strong leadership

"in order to fool us that the PM
is a safe pair of thumbs

"in the lead-up to an election
he looks like otherwise losing?"

Well, as the PM said
to his official biographer,

Karl Stefanovic, just
the other morning...

It's important for the entire
international community to be

at one, regardless of
whether they're liberal democracies

or other regimes.

Exactly.

It is important - and I'm not saying
this just to undercut it

in a moment...

(LAUGHTER) ..to make those sorts
of commitments on the world stage

as a global citizen,
regardless of whether individually

they make much of a difference,
to show solidarity with the rest

of the international community.

Just like we did at the UN
climate summit last year.

(LAUGHTER) And the PM
was onto all of this pretty early.

A week before the invasion,
he said this.

What we are seeing in Ukraine
is looking regrettably inevitable.

Now, of course, anything that you're
actually seeing looks inevitable,

because it's already
in the process of happening.

(LAUGHTER) But I'm nitpicking here,
and that's the last thing

I want to do on the show tonight.

(LAUGHTER) The PM also said this.

The likelihood of an invasion
in Ukraine by Russia is imminent.

Yes, the likelihood
being imminent...

(LAUGHTER) ..rather
than the invasion itself.

But as I say, this is not
a time to nitpick.

Russia has only one
decision that it can make,

and that is to withdraw.

(LAUGHTER) As it turned out,
there was another decision

they could make.

(LAUGHTER) Anyway... anyway...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Anyway...

Yes, applaud our PM!

Yes, why not?

(LAUGHTER) No?

You're done?

Alright.

Anyway, that was then,
and the important thing now is...

The moment that other countries put
in place strong and severe

sanctions, we will be
in lock step with them.

So, the PM reinforcing our stature
on the world stage there,

in that the very moment -
the VERY moment - someone else shows

some leadership, we will
immediately follow.

(LAUGHTER) And so...

(APPLAUSE) And so Australia has
since the invasion adopted

the international foreign policy
of speaking loudly and carrying

a small stick, specifically by...

REPORTER: ..imposing travel bans
and financial punishment on eight

members of Russia's
national security council.

And those travel bans
are really gonna hurt too,

because now those guys aren't gonna
get here for Moomba.

(LAUGHTER) And the West
has reacted swiftly,

though, with the UK PM,
Boris Johnson, announcing that

all major Russian banks will be
removed from the UK financial

system, while the US vowed
to remove more than half

of Russia's high-tech imports.

China, too, has come
down hard on Russia,

pledging to remove more of Russia's
wheat and barley from Russia.

(LAUGHTER) Have we been
going about our trade relations

all wrong, Draymella Burt
from the Prime Minister's Office?

Should Dan Tehan declare war
on New Zealand, or perhaps someone

we could beat, like Tasmania?

Shaun, the PM has reacted in the way
he has not in order to puff himself

up without actually having to do
anything, but because...

Australians...

always stand up to bullies.

(LAUGHTER) Well, 'bully'
is a very strong word,

but I suppose the PM
is on the right side of history

here in using such language.

Wasn't it Neville Chamberlain
who described Hitler's invasion

of Poland as 'naughty'...

(LAUGHTER) ..and George Bush
who dubbed Osama bin Laden

as 'overtired and silly'?

Shaun, when you're a major player
strutting the international stage

like Scott is, you still have to be
tactful, respectful and diplomatic

with your world leader counterparts.

Unless, of course, they're French.

Well, that is the exception that
proves the rule, obviously.

But the PM's not afraid to tell it
like it is when what it is isn't

what someone is saying it is.

He's been very clear about that.

They're not peacekeepers,
they're invaders, and that's how

we see it, and we'll call it

like it, that's tough.

(LAUGHTER) It's impressive.
like it, that's tough.

What is he, nine years old?

Well, it'll certainly make Putin
think twice next time,

assuming he ever gave us a moment's

What's the endgame here
for Russia, Draymella?

Is Putin attempting
to reassemble the Soviet Union?

And will all the pieces fit

What glue is he using?

Will it be able to hold water,
if in my analogy it's a vase?

Or will, should the president manage
to put all the pieces back together,

Humpty Dumpty turn out to be a rare
Faberge egg that he can't insure...

Yeah, alright, Stan Grant!

You want to get on with the end
of your question before I fall

asleep, or should I just do it now?

(LAUGHTER) I'm talking
to Draymella Burt.

Later on, walking your cat -

and wearing hats thinking you look
pretty good when in fact

you look stupid.

(LAUGHTER) That's coming
up on No Judgement.

Finally, Draymella, can I ask
you about the PM's $804 million

commitment to strengthening
Australia's presence in Antarctica

for reasons of national security?

Labor's position on this

There's been longstanding bipartisan
support for the importance of

Antarctica.

So I take it there's no
policy difference there?

Oh, make no mistake, Shaun,

pick to win the election.

(LAUGHTER) Labor are
soft on Antarctica.

Scott Morrison will never be

and our government will never be
the preferred partner of a continent

that's chosen to intimidate this
country and has sought to threaten

this country by melting.

(LAUGHTER) Thank you
very much, Draymella.

(LAUGHTER) Thank you
very much, Draymella.
And for balance, we should ask some

Goodbye, Shaun.

Bizarro Draymella, what would
you say are the key milestones

of the Morrison-led LNP government?

In no particular order, me say -
climate change, COVID rollout,

pork-barrelling, rorts,
lack of transparency,

Christian Porter, women,
deterioration of relationship

with China, submarine fiasco,
backgrounding, lying,

Hawaii, Biden not even

short-term game in long-term job,
putting Stuart Robert in charge

of anything, letting Barnaby Joyce
open mouth, undeserved JobKeeper.

Mmm.

Interesting.

Bizarro Draymella Burt there.

Hello!

Bizarro Draymella Burt
and actual Draymella Burt.

Now, that was a pretty good
interview, wasn't it?

Short and to the point.

And I don't want to sound full

over hosting 7.30 when Leigh Sales
finishes up in July.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING

Thank you.

I...

Frankly...

Frankly, the audience and I can't
think of anyone who could do

a better job, and so tonight

as the new host.

(LAUGHTER) And we cross now live

(LAUGHTER) Thank you, Laura.

Well, to domestic issues now,
and pork-barrelling electorates has

become so widespread in this country
that it was refreshing to see

the pork-barrelling of a single

electorate last week -
half a million dollars' worth

to a fruit and vegetable
grower, Costa Group.

Now, the great thing

# ..the Chattanooga choo-choo?

# ..this is not indicative of some
broader policy of rorting that we've

seen with other ministers.

In fact, as far as the NBN goes,
the government's made it very clear

they're against taxpayer-funded

Man from the pub who gives
Barnaby his ideas Mick Nobone,

some might see this

of the government's averred policy.

By which I mean it's...

(LAUGHTER) ..it's inconsistent
if not completely the polar opposite

of what they said they'd do.

No, no, no, Shaun.

It's completely the polar
opposite of what they said

they would NEVER do.

There's a big difference.

Plus, the NBN rollout is different

of pork barrels.

The NBN is fibre to the node,
and this pork-barrelling

is delivered direct to the premises,

is NBN, then something's gotta give.

Yeah.

In this case, it's the taxpayer
that's gotta give -

half a million dollars
to a private business.

A fruit and vegetable
business, Shaun.

And everybody needs
fruit and vegetables!

What, to throw at Barnaby when he's

in his electorate?

Shhhhaun, you are so cy-mical.

This was just a common or garden

company that Barn-laby's partner,
Vikki Campion, owns shares in.

And if you infer anything
untoward about that,

then you have to answer to me.

No, no, no.

I'm not inferring anything.

Just as well.

It's just that when Labor suggested
a program of expanding the NBN

to premises back in November,
the minister for communications,

Paul Fletcher, said that what Labor
was proposing was more wasteful

government spending of taxpayers'
money and that that's what Labor

does because that's
what Labor's good at.

He says they're good
at wasting taxpayers' money.

Can't they take a compliment?

(LAUGHTER) Well, thanks very much,
Mick, and for coming in tonight,

please accept this

Well, you might want to make it two.

It tends to come from
more than one place.

(LAUGHTER) Still to come,
baptisms invalid because priest

used wrong word.

Still, at least he used

And...

(LAUGHTER) ..with those in aged care

is the vaccine actually
protecting them?

This 7 News reporter isn't so sure.

REPORTER: And while most residents
who are triple-vaxxed seem

to be avoiding death...

(HORRIFIED LAUGHTER) Yes,
they "seem to be", so she's

obviously not convinced.

Could be some post-mortem
spasming going on there.

(LAUGHTER) Plus, Uber Eats unhappy
with supersized sandwiches.

(LAUGHTER) But right now,
I'd like to answer the accusation

from the Australian that
as the free world shrinks,

Australia is dithering when it comes

and I'd like to do that
with a little bit of Plain Speakin'.

(BLUEGRASS MUSIC) (PIG SQUEALS) OK,

As our reaction to the pandemic
proved, we can leave things

to the last minute -
if we attend to them

at all in the case of nursing homes
and apart from a few

earlier-than-usual deaths, it turns
out OK in the end, no worries.

Now, it's the same with
the war in Ukraine -

it's not on our doorstep,
it's down the block,

round the corner and a few streets
up, so we can afford to carry

on with our clueless pontificating

is actually listening.

The thing is that America,
the world's Neighbourhood Watch

coordinator, has actually gone down
there to see what's going on,

and the big worry for us is that
while they're off doing that,

the house up the road
from us will invade Taiwan.

Now, obviously, if there's trouble,

pop over and knock on the door,
but unfortunately, we don't

have any knuckles.

France was making us some knuckles,

and we're now waiting for some
new ones from the UK and US.

Not only that, but our fingers -

at the moment looking after aged

for Richard Colbeck.

Now, you're probably thinking, "OK,
we've got no knuckles,

fingers or hands.

"Why can't we just ring the doorbell
with our stump and THEN run away?"

Well, the thing is, we prefer
the softly-softly approach when it

comes to cowering in fear.

We need to be part of a gang
if we're gonna take on someone

bigger than us, a group
of strongarmed friends willing

to carry us into battle -
friends like India, the US

and the UK.

Now, as the PM made very clear

weeks back, when it comes
to Chinese coercion...

None of you understand better
than we do, and that is a great

comfort to us.

(LAUGHTER) Yes, "none
of you understand better than we do"

"you" being...

India, the US and the UK,
and "we" being either that same

group plus us or maybe
just Australia.

"And that" - whatever "that" is -
"is a great comfort to us",

"us" being either all of us
or maybe just Australia.

(LAUGHTER) Should we be worrying,
Vice Rear Cabin Boy Sir Bobo Gargle?

(LAUGHS) Not at all, Shaun.

The new Chinese ambassador
to Australia has made it

very clear that...

China is willing to work
with Australia to meet each

other half way.

Yeah, I don't know how reassuring
that is when the halfway point means

we'll be meeting them

(LAUGHTER) That's not

At the rate China keeps
building their islands,

halfway just keeps getting
closer and closer to us,

so pretty soon there won't be
so far for us travel.

Eventually, we won't have

which will be handy given
the state of our frigates,

the price of fuel and the continued

You think they'll get that close?

Shaun, the Chinese company leasing

isn't called Landbridge for nothing.

(UNEASY LAUGHTER) I'm
talking to Bobo Gargle.

Who's he talking to?

(LAUGHTER) Bobo, Australia aren't
going to help defend Ukraine

militarily against

Oh, it's not that we
don't want to, Shaun.

What I wouldn't give to get
Vladimir Putin alone in a room

with Ben Roberts-Smith.

But no boots on the ground
on the front line?

Well, not unless our feet
are in them running away from it,

Shaun, no.

As the PM has initially indicated,

to support Ukraine is by providing
non-lethal military equipment.

Non-lethal?

Well, Shaun, the ADF's proven
itself a world leader

in acquiring non-lethal...

(LAUGHTER) ..in fact,
barely operational -

military equipment, so Ukraine
could rest assured they were getting

the best of the best.

Then when the PM saw that the rest
of the Western world was sending

stuff that actually worked,
we decided to get on their

coat-tails and pledge to send
some lethal aid as well.

Yeah, which, going by
the government's record,

should start arriving in early 2026.

(LAUGHTER) As the PM says, Shaun...

I've taken nothing off the table.

Including the dead cats he's been

of the pandemic.

(LAUGHTER) Thank you very
much, Bobo Gargle.

Well, it's all very well to call
them names and ask the banks

to watch their savings accounts,

from a distance that isn't gonna
put us out too much?

Senator Jacqui Lambie,
what are your thoughts on this?

Um, I think the thing is cyber.

If you have the rest
of the Western world against him,

we should be doing everything
we can to create havoc

with their IT systems.

Anywhere and everywhere

And seriously, don't tell me
we don't have the capacity to be

able to do that.

That's exactly what

We should be using everything we've
got in cyber and fighting

against this to make it absolutely
havoc for Russia so their comms

are down at all times,
anything else.

Go in there and smash 'em
with cyber, 'cause I don't know

what else they've got,
unless they're gonna start sending

rockets in there,
to be honest with you.

Well, thank you very much.

Jacqui Lambie there.

Prisecco Mule is Jacqui
Lambie's interpreter.

What did she...

(LAUGHTER) What did

Cyber, Shaun.

Bloody cyber.

Seriously, don't tell Jacqui
we don't have the capacity to be

able to do that.

Do what, exactly?

Well, create havoc
anywhere and everywhere.

That's exactly what
we should be doing.

Yeah, but what, though?

Cyber.

Just make it absolutely
havoc with bloody cyber,

to be honest with you.

Go in there and bloody
smash 'em with cyber.

Yeah, yeah, but how do we "make
it absolutely havoc"?

Oh, I don't know, get bloody
Craig Kelly to spam Putin

with all those bloody text
messages he's been sending.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Get bloody ScoMo to...

..ScoMo to, like, Instagram
a curry at Sergei Lavrov.

Put all those bloody Russian bloody
oligarchs in a Centrelink phone

queue for a few days.

Seriously, just get in there and do
it, to be honest with you.

Alright, OK.

And the missiles that she mentioned?

Oh, bloody...

Pfft!

Alright, well, thank you very much,
Prisecco, for coming in.

Before you go, something
to take home with you -

a slice of birthday cake
to celebrate the ABC's 90th year.

No sugar, because she's diabetic,
and no gluten, because she's got

No sugar, because she's diabetic,
elderly-onset coeliac disease.

And because Aunty has developed
dysphagia and can't swallow,

we usually just mush it up
into a paste with an osmotic

laxative, because Aunty,
she does have trouble

straining at stool.

(LAUGHTER) We've also crushed
in her hypertension medication,

and some anti-psychotic drugs
because she's been getting violent

with some of the other patients.

Anyway, do enjoy.

And, Bobo, as we go to the break...

Hmm?

..we have a slice for you too.

There we go.

Delightful!

Thank you, Shaun.

Enjoy yourself.

And we'll be back right
after this break.

(LAUGHS) (APPLAUSE)
VOICEOVER: She's unorthodox.

She's uncompromising.

And she's stolen

Please report any sightings
of Wendy Louise McCrockshofter

to the police immediately.

Recent changes in international
recycling markets mean that local

contractors are having to dump

That's why councils nationwide
are rolling out a new program

to tackle this problem.

The wheelie bin trio.

The important thing for you to know
is that you don't have

to do anything different.

So you can continue to separate your
recyclables and organics

from your general waste.

Remember, coffee cups can't
go into the recycling,

but the lids can.

The new technology automatically
recombines your garbage,

saving time and money
for the contractors,

which means the council can
keep your rates low.

Now, that's what I call
a great Aussie innovation.

Well, off the back, thighs,

of Bob Hawke's sex life

comes another facepalm for Labor,

minister Kevin Rudd wanted to make
it third time lucky by contesting

the federal seat of Fairfax
at the next election.

Several anonymous ALP figures say
it was Kevin's idea.

Kevin says local ALP branch members
approach him all the time.

Team Albo - Vaguary Bellchamber,
Noblitt Mulepuke and Cardamom Pye -

where does the truth lie?

In a shallow grave off

the Maroochydore and Mons Road

That fever dream is over, Shaun.

Buried and forgotten in our zeal
to propel Albo to the highest office

in the land despite his
obvious shortcomings.

Check out this pic.

Isn't he sexy?

He looks like a young,
undead Richie Benaud.

Yeah, would Kevin Rudd have
been such a bad idea?

Third time's a charm, they say.

A charm?

More like that soul transference
spell in Harry Potter that

creates a Horcrux!

Shaun, K-Rudd re-entering politics
would be the equivalent of,

like, letting a bull back
into a china shop after he'd gone

down the pub, gotten pissed,
put on a pair of rollerskates

and smoked some meth.

Fun to watch but impossible to claim
the damages back on your insurance.

Yeah, well, he still seems
very popular, though.

The idea of Kevin Rudd is always
more popular than the reality.

Yeah.

He's like a dream lover, you know?

All very well climbing
in your window and getting his kit

off in your imagination,
but if it happens in real life,

you want to chase him away

the fire department.

Well, he might not have
ambitions for the top job.

He might be quite happy sitting

(SNORTS) As fuckin' if!

(LAUGHTER) Getting K-Rudd
to keep his lust for power bridled

is like trying to get Paul Keating

in his pants every time he gets

acolytes from his fan
club here at the ABC.

Yeah.

(LAUGHTER) Better Kevin stay out
of harm's way and do what he does

best - whinge incessantly
about Rupert Murdoch on social media

while pretending he's not driven
by white-hot personal revenge,

thus drawing fire away from Albo
as he neutralises yet another policy

difference between him and ScoMo.

Well, thank you very much,
Team Albo, and for coming along

tonight, this sultana.

(LAUGHTER) Alright, now, coming up,
with a Nationals-led Senate

committee inquiry handing
down their findings calling

for stricter food labelling
of plant-based meat products,

we ask, is this just yet another
frontier in the government's war

on identity politics?
frontier in the government's war

(LAUGHTER) A special report
from the Clockwork Movement Dance

Ensemble.

(LAUGHTER) And just

in the Ukrainian-Russian conflict,
my interview with the fictional

Captain Ramius from

(LAUGHTER) (LISPED SCOTTISH ACCENT)
Shaun, what you must understand

is this is not about scaring
the West by saying we'll launch

missiles unless they submit.

Oh, really?

Certainly.

Since Chernobyl and the
disintegration of the Soviet state,

Russia has been lost and embarrassed
and seeking solace in the past.

Is that right?

Sure.

When the Kursk sank in 2000,
we suffered the shame of the US

saying they'd rescue
us should we ask.

But these hostilities are less

about Vladimir Putin making up
for the fact that he's got

a small penis.

(LAUGHTER) Mmm.

Well, thank you.

Anyway, thank you, Captain Ramius.

Anyway, that interview
coming up later, not now.

Well, calls for wage increases
to keep pace with inflation are,

unlike the wages
themselves, increasing.

The ACTU claims workers are facing
the largest cuts in real wages

in more than two decades.

The Chamber of Commerce
and Industry's new shill,

Leo Hatred, joins me now.

Leo Hatred, joins me now.
Leo, is business gonna do anything

Leo Hatred, joins me now.
or is it business as usual

Well, Shaun, if real
wages are a problem,

business is happy to pay people
in a form they're more comfortable

with, be it day-old produce,
or leftover Blu-ray copies

of Shallow Hal...

No, I don't think the concept
of wages is the problem so much

as that they're falling.

Well, Shaun, business would love
nothing more than to pay

people more money.

Really?

If they're at board level, sure.

But anywhere down the food chain
and increases in wages

are unsustainable unless they're
driven by increased productivity.

Alright, and how do
businesses do that?

Well, they don't.

(LAUGHTER) No?

Why would they?

It's not like there's
a business case for it.

They'd have to spend time and money
working out how to make themselves

more productive, and it'd end
up costing them more

than the wage increases.

Far better to let Treasury
or the Productivity Commission work

out which corporate taxes to cut
or safety regulations businesses

should no longer
have to comply with.

Well, thank you very much, Leo.

Leo Hatred there.

In fact, er, still here.

Now, we were talking
about the Antarctic earlier,

and, like the Coalition's
popularity, its sea ice levels

are at a record low.

And in both cases,
the problem is man-made.

Unfortunately for sea ice,
it's battling global warming,

an opponent far less likely
to mystifyingly lose than Labor.

(LAUGHTER) And so the PM has
committed a lot of money

to Antarctica, much in the way
the Coalition would a marginal seat.

As the PM said...

We need to keep eyes in Antarctica.

Because so much of it is melting.

(LAUGHTER) Now, some of this grant
will fund a new $17.4 million krill

aquarium, in order to improve our
understanding of krill.

(LAUGHTER) Strange person off
the street Jojoba Dayspa,

is krill misunderstood?

So dreadfully misunderstood, Shaun.

Just because billions of krill
routinely die every day devoured

by whales and seals doesn't
mean krill don't yearn

to improve their lot in life,
to move higher up the food chain.

Krill have hopes and dreams
like the rest of us,

and despite what anti-crustaceans
say, their voice deserves

to be heard.

Uh... with some sort
of hydrophone, presumably?

Obviously.

Mm-hm.

But, Shaun, call me cynical,
but why is it only in the run-up

to an election that we hear all this
krill talk from the government?

Where was all this concern for krill
over the last three years?

Did you ever hear Scott
Morrison mention krill?!

Um... did he make a curry with them?

It's just typical pre-election
krill-barrelling bullshit!

(LAUGHTER) Well, thank

Jojoba, and please accept
with our compliments this beautiful

spit hood from Phillipe
of Double Bay.

(LAUGHTER) Nice.

Wow!

So...

..this is where you grew up?

This is... this is where he grew up?

Well, this is where he lives.

Wow!

So, tell me, what was this area

Er... it was just sort of like this.

He's only two.

Yeah.

Must have brought
back some memories!

VOICEOVER: Join child actor

on This Old House.

VOICEOVER: More people get out
of cars in Australia

than in any other country.

Getting out of the car holds
a special place in our hearts.

From blue cars to white cars,
getting out of cars is the ultimate

shared experience for Australians.

It just blows my mind to think that
only 70 years ago the first woman

was allowed to get out of a car.

It's been the focus of a revolution
in social and cultural acceptance.

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And welcome back.

Well, will a gas-led recovery lead
to a brighter future

for our manufacturing industry?

No is the short answer,
but the government isn't one to take

no for an answer, particularly

all that money in them to say yes.

Zapff Dingbatts.

MAN: I don't want people to think
that money is some sort of pay-off

in return for us getting

These are political donations
we make to both parties to cancel

out their effect but leave them with
a sense of obligation towards us.

Whoever gets in feels
beholden to us.

Whoever doesn't won't have announced
any policies that can get in our way

during the election.

Plus, they're tax-deductible.

It's win-win on both
occasions - for us.

Excuse me, Mr Lohan?

We were doing some pipe
maintenance outside sector 7

and we found this coal.

Put it back, mate.

We also found some hydrogen.

We're only interested in gas here.

ZAPFF: The politicians, though,
deny such donations buy

access to them.

Not at all.

If we have a $5,000-a-plate dinner
and the gas company execs decide

to buy a few tables,
come along and sit next to us,

well, that's up to them.

We just happen to be eating
in proximity to each other.

Pfft!

We're not obliged to listen to them
when they talk to us.

Nor are we obliged to,
say in the case of gas,

pretend that a response to COVID
would be to set up a board

of advisers largely predisposed
to pushing for the gas industry that

they're already aligned with.

If they want to then recommend
that we subsidise gas-fired power

stations with taxpayer dollars
because the market sees it

as a commercial dead end,
that's their business -

literally!

If we decide to follow that advice

with self-interest it is,
then that's up to us.

You say you want to keep

Down, down.

Price of gas down.

For the voters, yes.

Absolutely.

Number one priority.

But at the same time,
a gas-led recovery will lead

to a slew of high-paying jobs.

Exactly.

More jobs.

Higher pay.

Money.

Employment.

So, how can the price of gas be
so low per unit that it's cheap

for the consumer but at the same
time still be generating sufficient

profits to go towards increasing
the income of workers?

Pfft.

You'd have to ask the guys

about that one.

That was their department.

How do we keep prices low

on the cost?

And does the subsidy go
toward keeping the price low

or the wages high, or do they go

or executive bonuses?

Uh, listen, we've got

We need to shift that stock.

At the moment, it's expensive

in their shop.

Government subsidies will make it
a less unattractive proposition.

We get our money...
a less unattractive proposition.

And presumably the provider then

then buys it?

Hmm?

Oh, no, that's up to the market.

We don't want to interfere
with any of that.

I'm not interested!

But...

Put that oil back in
the ground immediately!

What about this uranium?

No!

Uh... just... yep.

Mmm.

Well, not coming up because

"No, no, I'M the crazy one," says

Prime Minister relatable
declares focus group.

And, "We had a fascinating 45-minute
chat," says Piers Morgan of meeting

with Scott Morrison.

And finally...

Russia has been banned

So, Putin got what he wanted.

(LAUGHTER) Goodbye.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Captions
by Red Bee Media Copyright

Australian Broadcasting Corporation