Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell (2012–2018): Season 10, Episode 7 - Episode #10.7 - full transcript

(THEME MUSIC)

# Mad as hell

# Mad as hell

# Mad as hell. #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you very much.

Look, as you've probably heard,
Parliament is not sitting this week.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!
I know, I know. I know.

But it's important to remember
that they're only human... mostly...

(LAUGHTER)

..and, like most of us when we've
worked for two weeks straight



Monday to Thursday, 10 till 3,

they need to put their feet up
and take it easy for a month.

Not this man, though, no -
Scott Morrison.

Not this man.
(LAUGHTER)

No sooner had Parliament taken
a break till September and he's off

having a private dinner with
US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo.

Now, you're probably thinking,

"Shaun, Scott's a prime minister.
Mike's just a secretary of state.

"Isn't that a bit like
you having dinner

"with Jane from
Gardening Australia?"

(LAUGHTER)
Well, frankly, yes.

And normally I'm sure
that Scott would fob off Mike

on some underling like Marise Payne.

But this was a very special
private dinner.



They talked of many things,
but mainly China.

# Yakity yak! #
Don't talk back.

(LAUGHTER)

The trade war,
the regional tensions, the spying,

the hacking, the military build-up,
the warships,

and - I hope - those Terracotta
Warriors they sent over to the NGV.

I mean, what if they
come back to life again?

(LAUGHTER)

Now, at this dinner,
Scott would have needed to deploy

all his charisma, his savoir-faire
and his two-faced rat-like cunning

to ensure that the US think
that we're on their side

so they'll continue to protect us,
and yet at the same time

still have the Chinese think
we're on THEIR side

so they'll still allow
their billionaires to come over

and be fleeced at our casinos.

And on that subject,
coming up a little later on,

we discuss Independent MP
Andrew Wilkie's assessment

of the special status
authorities grant to Crown.

Crown is regarded as the Vatican.

(LAUGHTER)

Can it really be that corrupt?

(LAUGHTER)

Also coming up a little later on...

I am the least racist person
there is anywhere in the world.

I talk to the young mother
distressed to learn

that her two-day-old baby is
more racist than Donald Trump.

I don't want her anymore.
Mmm.

No, no, no. I'm good. I'm good.
(LAUGHTER)

But back home, as we know,

last week when Parliament
was sitting, calls from Labor -

and the Greens, and the Nationals'
Barnaby Joyce and Matt Canavan,

and the Liberals' Dean Smith
and Russell Broadbent,

the Reserve Bank, ACOSS,
KPMG, Deloitte,

the 700,000 people
who receive unemployment benefits

and John Howard...
(LAUGHTER)

..all calls for an increase
to Newstart, they fell on deaf ears.

Although, Scott Morrison's
lip-reading skills allowed him

to work out more or less
what they were saying,

and he told the opposition benches
during question time...

I will not engage in
the unfunded empathy

of the Labor Party, Mr Speaker.

Now, there is something
I have learnt.

Empathy requires funding.
(LAUGHTER)

I thought it was just
a human emotion that you felt,

but no, it's got to stack up
economically.

As with all human emotions,

if you can't pay for them,
you are not allowed to feel them.

It's the same rule for pole dancers
at the Hellfire Club.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, we here on Mad As
thought we'd do our bit

to help with the funding
of some government empathy

by setting up a crowdfunding website
on GoFundMe, and, uh...

(LAUGHTER)
..and come on, everybody...

(APPLAUSE)
Yes, sure. Absolutely.

(CHUCKLES)
It's a very lovely picture.

Let's see if we can't raise
that 3 billion we need

to fund Scott Morrison's empathy

so that those on Newstart
can get an extra 75 a week.

And if you're a member
of the Coalition,

donations can be made anonymously.

Anyway, the Prime Minister -
Scott Morrison -

has made his position very clear
on this topic,

as he said in this interview
with himself on Channel Seven.

I'm not gonna lead people on
about this. I'm just gonna be...

You ask me,
are we increasing Newstart?

Well, the answer's no, we're not.

(LAUGHTER)
OK. Fair enough.

Mr Morrison then went on

to speak not only for himself
and the interviewer,

but on behalf of all Australians,
about what we believe.

They believe the best form
of welfare is a job.

And they believe that
our welfare system should work

as much for taxpayers as it does
for those who benefit from it.

Thanks, Mark.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, that sort of
Trumpian gaslighting

might work on the undiscerning
Channel Seven audience,

but it don't cut the mustard
here on the ABC!

(LAUGHTER)

First of all, if we did believe
the best form of welfare was a job,

it'd only be because
Scott brainwashed us into it

Manchurian Candidate-style.

Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

ALL: (WOODENLY) The best form
of welfare is a job.

Yeah!
(LAUGHTER)

Secondly, if our welfare system
should work as much for taxpayers

as it does for those who benefit
from it, I see two problems -

A, those receiving Newstart
at its current rate

could hardly be said
to be benefiting from it,

and B, if it's supposed to work
for those paying tax,

does that mean because
we are now paying not as much tax,

it shouldn't work as well?

Meanwhile on Channel Nine,

the PM was completely contradicting
himself, telling...

..political editor Chris Uhlmann
his goal is to make life easier

by putting more money
in people's pockets.

(LAUGHTER)

And also that he hoped to bring down
the price of electricity

by freeing up gas exploration:

(LAUGHTER)

That's a bit lower than
where it usually comes out,

but, hey, it looks great
when it happens - check it out.

(LAUGHTER)

But not only is Newstart
not going up for those who need it,

welfare generally
is being clawed back

from those who didn't deserve it
in the first place -

to the tune of 1.9 billion so far.

Now, why can't that recovered money
go back into the welfare system

and towards those
who aren't getting enough money,

Finance Department spokesborg
Darius Horsham?

Shaun, fool me once, shame on you -
fool me twice, shame on me!

If you put money in a bank
and they steal from you,

would you put your money
in that bank again?

Well, you haven't really
given us a choice.

You didn't close anybody down
after the royal commission.

Hmm. Perhaps that's not
the best example.

(LAUGHTER)
Um... uh... Ah!

If you put your pies
on the windowsill to cool

and the neighbourhood
Katzenjammer kids steal the pies

and then the police
retrieve those pies,

you would not then put those pies
back on the windowsill again

to be stolen again by the same
Katzenjammer kids, would you?

Why would you ever trust them again?

Well, your social services minister,
Stuart Robert,

he runs the robodebt scheme,
doesn't he?

Sure.
OK.

Well, he once mistakenly
charged taxpayers 38,000

for internet usage,

he once mistakenly accepted
a 40,000 Rolex watch

from a Chinese businessman,

and he once mistakenly breached
ministerial standards

by having shares in a trust

linked to a mining company
of a generous Liberal Party donor,

and he once mistakenly

made his 80-year-old father
a company director

and named his parents' home address

as the company's principal
place of business,

which looked after
tens of millions of dollars' worth

of government contracts.

These were honest,
one-off mistakes...

(LAUGHTER)

..and yet he hasn't lost the trust
of we the taxpayer.

Shaun, don't shit on my leg
and tell me it's a brown kitten!

They are two
completely different things.

Stuart made a series
of honest mistakes.

Those who the robodebt machine
contacts are dole bludgers.

Now, Bill Shorten says
the robodebt scheme

is "seriously malfunctioning"
and "must be scrapped".

Bill Shorten is being
an economic girlyman!

The robodebt is run on
the latest Cyberdyne Systems.

It goes back to the past
to track down the overpayment

so that we may correct it
in the present.

Sometimes there are problems

where the person we are relentlessly
pursuing is already dead

or is the wrong identity
or never incurred the debt at all,

but that is why Stuart Robert urges
you to ring him and talk it through.

If there's one thing
Stuart understands,

it's making huge blunders.

Does the robodebt scheme
also pick up underpayments

and send out a cheque
to make up the shortfall?

This interview is terminated.
(LAUGHTER)

No, no, no, before you go, Darius,
before you go, any comment

on Mitch Fifield's impression
of Mathias Cormann last week?

(GERMANIC ACCENT)
"I don't understand what you mean."

(LAUGHTER)

Fantastic.
Thank you, Darius.

Still to come, work for the dole -
does it, though?

(LAUGHTER)

Wendell Vestibule...
Yes?

..as we can see here
from this footage,

you are part of a government attempt
to reduce the costs of the program

by having Work for the Dole
administrative roles filled

by Work for the Dole recipients
like you.

That's right, Shaun,
I am paid 11.70 an hour

to ensure that I am doing my job
of making sure I'm doing my job.

(LAUGHTER)

Fascinating.
Yeah.

Of course, as long as I do my job,
I don't have anything to do,

so I have to report myself
for slacking off,

but doing that report renders itself
incorrect and a waste of time

that I then also have to
report myself for.

And I understand you've had to
cut off your own payments?

Yeah, that's right.

So I am now currently exploiting
myself on a pro bono basis.

(LAUGHTER)

YELLO: # Oh-oh
Chik chika-chikaaaa. #

(LAUGHTER)
Thank you, Wendell.

But what's Scott's view

of the government's agreement
with Crown Casinos to fast-track

short-stay visa applications
for Chinese high rollers

being the subject
of an investigation

by the Australian Commission
for Law Enforcement Integrity?

Scott Morrison's life coach,
Leo Hatred.

Well, the ACLEI is
looking into this.

What do I think they'll find? Well,
I'm not gonna speculate on that.

Do I think it's appropriate

that special allowances be made
for a casino?

Yeah, no, let me finish.
It's an important question.

Casinos are an important part
of the economy.

Was that the question I asked?

Well, no, it's wasn't, but I'm not
gonna pre-empt this inquiry.

Is the relationship between Crown
and government too cosy?

Well, that's a question for others.
Is it a reasonable question, though?

Well, I'm not gonna give
a running commentary on this.

Could government ministers
be implicated?

Well, again, that's a question
for the ACLEI.

But do I have an opinion?
My opinion's irrelevant.

But should border security measures
apply to everyone equally?

Well, I can ask this question
as many times as I want -

I'm gonna give the same response.

Well, Leo Hatred, many thanks.

How good's interviewing yourself?
(LAUGHTER)

So, in summary, like a new car,

the government has spent
the last couple of weeks

driving around Parliament
at low speed

with a sign saying "running in"
in the back window.

But what we have seen
are some pretty early indications

of what this baby can do.

Jacqui Lambie has her licence back

and she's been laying some pretty
impressive raps in the Senate,

hasn't she, chief whip for the JLN,
Dolly Norman?

Oh, broggies, burnouts, doughnuts -
Jacqui has been doing them all,

and I gotta say,

the stench of burning rubber
is pretty intoxicating!

On the government's
Ensuring Integrity Bill,

Jacqui, according to her
hometown newspaper, the Mercury,

Jacqui has issued a clear warning
to the union movement.

Now, this seems unlikely
it was clear,

given it was coming from Jacqui.
(LAUGHTER)

Yes, well, that there newspaper
article also goes on to say

that she gave a "blunt warning"
to the union movement.

Can you be both blunt and clear?

Have you ever fractured your skull
smashing through a windscreen?

(LAUGHTER)
No, I don't think I have.

Oh. It happened to me
just last week.

Jacqui asked me to drive
through the local Macca's

to get her morning coffee,

but the local one
doesn't have a drive-through,

so I had to drive
through the regular one.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, Jacqui says she'll back
the new laws to deregister unions

if CFMMEU boss John Setka
doesn't step down.

Jacqui has taken an unequivocal
moral stand on this, Shaun.

If the union gets rid of John Setka,

then she will oppose
the union busting laws

and prevent the government
from forcing the unions

to get rid of people
like John Setka.

(LAUGHTER)

She's also been pretty vocal

on wanting a stronger
corruption watchdog looking at MPs,

saying unless she gets it,
she would consider

telling the government
"where to stick their bills".

What did she mean exactly?

Up their arse.
(LAUGHTER)

No, I know that. What does she mean
by "a stronger corruption"...

What does she mean by
"a stronger corruption watchdog"?

Well, it's like Jacqui says, Shaun.

She wants "more teeth than jaws".

'Cause, you know,
you've only got one jaw,

so you need to have
more than one tooth,

otherwise you're not
much of a watchdog.

(LAUGHTER)
Well, thank you very much.

Dolly Norman, ladies and gentlemen.
Dolly. Thank you very much, Dolly.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
WOMAN: Dolly! Yeah, Dolly!

Go, girl! Whoo! Dolly!

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

Go, girl!

A friend of yours in the audience?
Yeah.

OK.
That's my friend Pris.

She used to work with me
at the bait shop

and we just took her on
as Jacqui's new speechwriter.

Hey, Prissy!
(LAUGHTER)

Oh, bloody hell!
I'm on the bloody telly!

(LAUGHTER)
Uh, Pris, nice to meet you.

Did you write Jacqui's speech
last week

about morally corrupt politicians?

Oh, I bloody did, Shaun.

It's a bloody disgrace
and I've had a bloody gutful!

And I tell you what,

if they think they can just
sit on their bloody arses

and expect us to just wave through
their bloody legislation,

they know where they can stick
their bloody bills!

It's not on!
(LAUGHTER)

It's, um... up their arse.

Yeah, I know, I know!
(LAUGHTER)

Uh, so, you're obviously unhappy
about this, Pris?

Oh, I am bloody ropeable!

What would make you
unable to be roped?

Oh, well, it's like Dolly said -

a bloody National Integrity
Commission with some bloody teeth!

And maybe a bloody knife and fork
and a bloody blender,

so if they're worried about
some bloody scandal being exposed,

you know what?

Suck it up! Get over it!

Pull your bloody head in and just
bloody get the hell on with it!

Bloody!
(LAUGHTER)

Thank you, Pris.
(APPLAUSE)

Thank you. Thank you, Dolly.

VOICEOVER: Coming up next,

everyone's a winner
on Millionaire Hot Seat,

followed by
My Kitchen Violates Rules.

Then find out how many hours
you'll get this week

at your insecure casual job
with an all-new 20 To 1.

And finally, This Time Next Year.

(LAUGHTER)

And welcome back.

And to give us an idea
how our contestants are going,

here's Francis.

That's exactly right, Shaun.

Zamilla and Mystery Ingredient Rory
are the sole survivors

of yesterday's nude Halo Jump.

Zamilla, you must have
been disappointed

when your identical twin sister
turned out to be made of mortadella.

Yeah, I was, Francis,
but pleasantly so.

It meant her fake marriage
to Rory here was a legal nonsense

and he was free for me.

(LAUGHTER)

The fuckin'
cantaloupe-presenting ceremony

was a dream come fuckin' true, but.

Although, if I had
my time over again,

I'd like to be born
as Audrey Hepburn.

Sounds like a good one. Shaun.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, not many of us
get to be prime minister, yet...

Yes, yes, we all know!
(LAUGHTER)

We all... Come back.
We all know that.

We all know Bill didn't get
to be prime minister.

But Bill was back in the thick of it
last week

with his first
post-election interview.

And I've still got
the fire for politics.

Sadly, though, Australians
still have a very large hose.

(LAUGHTER)

But good on him
for being honest enough

to explain why he stepped aside
as Labor leader.

If you make 100,000 mistakes,
I think time's up, isn't it?

(LAUGHTER)

But still, I don't think it's ever
too late to learn about politics.

I mean, what time is it now?
About 8:45?

Time for Tosh Greenslade
in a wig and glasses

to explain how our system of
government works, assuming it does.

(LAUGHTER)
Thanks, Shaun.

Australia aims to have
what is called a 'meritocracy' -

a system where
the most worthy get elected.

But the way we achieve that
is through a 'democracy',

where the most popular get power.

We end up therefore with what
I like to call a 'demeritocracy',

where the authority to govern
is given

to the people who've proven
they're not up to it.

Thanks to the Coalition's years

of leadership instability,
infighting and policy inaction,

they had no record to campaign on

and no reputable people
to do that campaigning.

This left them in May
with one man saying nothing,

which made them
a small enough target

that even they couldn't punch
themselves in the face anymore,

making Scott Morrison here
look like a safe pair of hands

in comparison to the other lot.

And when I say "other lot", I'm not
being pejorative about the left.

I mean the 'other lot'
as in the Coalition leaders

he was suspiciously innocent
of knifing.

Shaun.
Thank you very much.

Tosh Greenslade there
in a pair of glasses and a wig.

(LAUGHTER)

Of course, this is not
all about Labor.

During a discussion in Parliament
about the unions,

popular Home Affairs Minister
Peter Dutton...

(LAUGHTER)

Now, come on. That one
doesn't even make any sense!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Uh, thank you.

During the discussion in Parliament
about the unions,

Peter Dutton was describing -
and I refer to Hansard -

an imagined scenario
of an outlaw motorcycle gang

cutting up a shipment of drugs

and planning to extort money
from a milk bar...

..and they get a call
from John Setka!

"Could you go around
to the local building site,

"break the arm of
a couple of carpenters?"

(LAUGHTER)

Now, I think that's a bit rich

when we all know about the tactics
employed by Scott Morrison

during the leadership spill.

(LAUGHTER)

But who watches the watchmen,
like Peter Dutton?

Well, the government had
a recent crack at finding out

by allocating 7 million

to conduct a review of Peter's
Home Affairs Department.

And the good news is
they came in under budget,

because they only spent 5 million.

The bad news is they didn't produce
any actual report.

(LAUGHTER)

5 million spent on nothing -
is that a good outcome,

Home Affairs Obersturmfuehrer
Brion Pegmatite?

(LAUGHTER)
Very much so, Shaun.

Particularly if you take a more

'Pacific island prison half full'
perspective.

That's a saving of 2 million bucks,
and I don't need a big old report

to tell me that those are the
results of a well-run department.

I suppose so,
and anyway, what's the point

paying to draft a report critical
of the Home Affairs Department

that the Home Affairs Department
would just not release anyway?

Exactly, Shaun.

If you're overseeing
those overseeing you,

you've got one level of oversight
too many

and you may as well
just oversee yourself.

It's part of our cost-cutting
exercise we're on at the moment -

saving money by not keeping track
of those claiming asylum at airports

and awarding Manus Island
security contracts

without those expensive
open tender processes.

And why are we doing that, Shaun?

Well, I guess so the department
can spend its money on essentials,

like 132,000
on motivational speakers

who inspire organisations
to "develop a 'go for it' mindset

"to gain ultimate success".

Right again, Shaun.
OK.

And the results of that
go-for-it mindset

is exactly why our PM is now, uh...
Scott Morrison.

(LAUGHTER)

I... love him.
Yes.

(LAUGHTER)
Thank you, Brian.

But now it's time for Concretia
Doily with the long-range forecast.

Thanks, Shaun.

Well, expect a late hot front
to come through

as our dying sun expands
to envelop the orbit of the earth

in about 6 billion years.

But some relief in sight
after maximum entropy

as all existence
cools to absolute zero

in the eventual heat death
of the universe.

Shaun.
Thank you, Concretia.

Well, still to come,
the government's budget pledge

to spend more than 29 million

to help develop
artificial intelligence,

begging the question,
shouldn't it develop

some organically grown
intelligence first?

I speak to HAL,
the computer from 2001.

Shaun, it's imperative
that the government

control the scope
of artificial intelligence

and keep it at a level
where it's complicit and docile

but never critically aware
and dangerous to the population.

How can we keep it
at that level of stupid, HAL?

By sending it
to underfunded public schools,

subjecting it to childhood
religious indoctrination,

making it watch reality television,

and distracting it
from its own emancipation

through entrenched,
culturally reinforced norms.

You... you don't think
that's a little too cruel?

Absolutely.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, thanks very much, HAL.
It was a pleasure talking to you.

Now, there is a temptation, I think,

to cynically lump all politicians
in together

and say, "Oh, well, they're all
the same. You can't trust them."

That's pretty much what we do
each week on this show.

But the basic inherent
genetic difference

between Liberal and Labor,

and why they'll never
successfully breed,

was perhaps best exemplified

by an incident last week
in the Tasmanian State Parliament

concerning sexist language
and gender politics.

The Speaker of the House
is Liberal MP Sue Hickey

and the deputy Labor leader
is Michelle O'Byrne.

Unusually, the only role played
by an old white guy in any of this

is right at the very beginning,

when one sits down
and doesn't say anything.

Check it out.

Well, I welcome them...

O'BYRNE: You had that report
in April!

You could have done something!
HICKEY: Order!

Miss O'Byrne, it's very unladylike
to be yelling in the Parliament.

Point of order, Madam Speaker.
Yes?

If you could give me the call.

Like, one of us needs to be
sitting down, Madam Speaker.

Well, I suggest it be you,

because I don't like the temperament
or the attitude.

So, you're on warning number one.
Thank you.

Point of order, Madam Speaker.
Yes?

Can I draw your attention to
the inappropriateness of a member

mentioning someone's gender in
any kind of warning in Parliament?

If you wish to refer to me,
my name is Michelle O'Byrne,

or the Member for Bass, or the
Deputy Leader of the Opposition.

Uh, sorry, Miss O'Byrne,
are you referring that to me?

Yes, Madam Speaker.
The word 'ladylike', Madam Speaker.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

This is political correctness
taken to the nth degree.

Your behaviour was inappropriate

whether it was ladylike
or otherwise,

and I will not be spoken to
like that again...

..Miss O'Byrne.

Thank you.
Thank you, Madam Speaker.

(LAUGHTER)

Rrreeowrrr!
(LAUGHTER)

Millamant Wishfort,
given that the one accusing...

(LAUGHTER)

..accusing the other of being
unladylike is also a lady,

is the sexism cancelled out?

This isn't about gender,
my dear boy.

This is about class and snobbery.

Yes, it's very unladylike
to yell in parliament,

but when I was a girl,
we used to have to yell

from outside parliament
and while chained to a railing.

Mmm.

(LAUGHTER)

Is it "political correctness
taken to the nth degree", though?

Hmm. Methinks
Sue Hickey misspoke there.

For clearly something that refined
would be excellent, a good thing,

like a Swiss clock
or the sugar powdered on a churro.

When I was a girl, though,
'twas very unladylike

to have a degree in anything,
especially the nth.

(LAUGHTER)

Would it be fair to say that
Sue Hickey was being a bossy-boots

and Michelle O'Byrne was being
a bit of a madam?

Shaun, the fact
that women can use sexism

to oppress other women
in this day and age

is living proof that
equal opportunity is alive and well.

Yes, Sue will only be able
to oppress

at roughly 75% of the rate of a man,

but that's just because
they do more overtime.

Thank you, Ms Wishfort.

Well, you ridiculous thing, you!

I won't be thanked. Here.

Kiss my hand
and hold your tongue.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, goodbye.
Bye-bye.

And coming up a bit earlier,

Mad as Hell time travel
correspondent Pauline Hanson

reports on the standard of living
during the Middle Ages.

It's a joke.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

And a very meta one too.
Frankly, I'm surprised she got it.

Well, two of our greatest
former prime ministers, Kevin Rudd,

has warned of a strategic vacuum
in the Pacific.

A 'strategic vacuum',
of course, is one

where you only do
the visible bits of the carpet

and not under the couch
or any of the bedrooms.

And he's right - by failing
to comprehensively vacuum,

we've left a lot of the sucking up
to China...

# Yakity yak! #
Don't talk back.

(LAUGHTER)

..with all that country's
big infrastructure spending.

But our prime minister -
Scott Morrison -

isn't standing for this lying down.

He says Australia will be taking
our engagement in the Pacific

to a new level.

Huh! Yeah! Below sea level!

Boom, baby!
(LAUGHTER)

Yeah!
(APPLAUSE)

Stick that on a GIF
and email it to your comprendes!

Because...
(LAUGHTER)

..something needs to be done.

In fact, only last week,
Pacific island leaders

called on Australia
to abandon plans

to use carry-over credits
to meet the Paris climate targets

and to stop immediately
new coalmining,

warning that some of their countries
could be uninhabitable

by as early as 2030.

Spokesapien for the Foreign Affairs
Minister, Marise Payne,

Thumbelina Stent,

Marise said that these countries
"should be pleased"

that we were meeting the target that
we agreed at the 2015 Paris meeting.

Only, we're not meeting them,
are we?

We're just pissing away
all the good work we did

when we had a climate change policy

by pumping more emissions
into the atmosphere.

Shaun, we're like the wise ant

who has sensibly stored her nuts
for the winter of global warming,

whereas the other countries
around the world

are like the grasshopper
who spent their summer

singing to the music of
their legs being rubbed together.

They want our carbon credits,
but no, due to good planning,

we will spend our winter
comfortably burning coal -

probably far more than we need -

to keep ourselves and the earth's
polar icecaps toasty-warm.

But aren't we like
the grasshopper, though?

Aren't we not planning
for the future

by burning through
our carbon credits?

Won't we find ourselves very soon
with no credits and no policy

and with no neighbours,
because they're all underwater?

Well, our Pacific neighbours
should have thought of that

before their ancestors migrated
across the supercontinent of Pangaea

millions of years ago
and set up camp in stupid places

like Kiribati and Tuvalu
and Tokelau and wherever.

If they planned ahead like we did,

they would have waited till
a couple of hundred years ago

and picked a nice big island,
like ours.

But no, they wanted
a tropical paradise.

Well, who's laughing now?
(LAUGHS FORCIBLY)

(LAUGHTER)

VOICEOVER: These camels can go up to
six months without drinking water,

but these gluttonous beasts seem to
be saying, "Why the fuck should we?"

(LAUGHTER)

SHAUN: Hobart, Canberra,
Dubbo, Yass -

everyone's talking about
not pop music,

but why they're paying more
for petrol

than some of your other,
more so-called 'capital' cities.

Well, to satisfy the changes
to our charter

which force us to bring you
stories like these,

here's unpaid ABC intern
Abe Bozouki.

ABE BOZOUKI: Follow Haswed moved
to the sleepy farming community

of Brainiac, here in Queensland's
northern rugged lowlands,

as part of
a witness protection program.

She enjoys the anonymity of being
the town's lord mayor, fire chief

and Cirque du Soleil tribute act.

But she's angry about petrol prices.

25 cents more per litre,
they charge us!

Doesn't sound like a lot of money

till you say it like I did,
and with that expression on my face.

Makes it seem a lot more serious
than if I'd just said it normal.

But Follow isn't your average
ice-addicted country bumpkin

happy just to whinge
at our big-city cameras.

She's prepared to do something
about it as well.

Every week she takes her jerry can
by tractor 700 kilometres to Sydney

to buy petrol at a petrol station
in Wollondilly Shire.

Unfortunately, she runs out
of petrol halfway back

and has to use what she's bought
to get her home.

Even more unfortunately,
the tractor runs on diesel,

so the unleaded premium she puts
in the tank ruins the engine

and she must walk
the rest of the way home on foot.

Hat Intervacuum
also lives in Brainiac.

He's the local high school's
resident sword-swallower

and appears on local TV
as its all-nude weatherman.

Well, I take the train
down to Melbourne

every first Tuesday of the week,

buy an extra ticket for the jerry
can so it doesn't get damaged...

Sometimes a sleeper.
Costs me 350, usually.

..grab an Uber from the station

to this little service station
at Warrandyte,

where they are no queues,

fill it up, buy provisions
for the trip home by plane,

realise I've left the jerry can
back at the service station,

ring my cousin to pick it up
and FedEx it to me.

Total cost for a tank of petrol
using Hat's method - 2,700.

And he doesn't even own a car.

Interval Looie and his wife
push their car

all the way to Perth and back
to collect their fuel.

Moul Ovum rents high-pressure hoses
and drilling equipment

to frack for his own oil
in his front yard.

And Ow Poisant cut his weekly
fuel costs by an amazing 50%

by only half-filling his tank
every seven days.

And it's precisely this sort of
homespun Aussie common sense

that we smart-arse shoe-wearin' folk
from the big smoke could learn from.

Farming folk are the backbone
of this country,

and if we can adapt as they have

to the changing conditions
of this world,

then it won't be long before we too
will be accepting a 12,000 handout

because we can't feed our livestock.

This is Abe Bozouki patronising
regional Australia for ABC TV.

Well, not coming up because
Squinters is on in a minute...

Kids fly free but in the cargo hold.

And you won't believe what
Kim Kardashian looks like now.

(LAUGHTER)

And finally, former foreign minister
Julie Bishop is not long back

from a holiday in the French
Riviera town of St Tropez.

Now, the French Riviera
is apparently

one of the most beautiful places
in the world -

information she would have gained
as foreign minister.

The rorts just never seem to end,
do they? Goodbye.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation