Shameless (2004–2013): Season 7, Episode 11 - Episode #7.11 - full transcript

Tickets this way
for the Chatsworth Express.

Come and watch pikeys making
a mess of the lives they

were given by 'im upstairs.

And kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.

Stay away!

What sounds on Earth
could ever replace...

Oi!

..kids needing money
or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon -
and me included -

is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented.

To calm us all down to
stop us going mental.



These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.

We are worth every penny.

For grinding your
axes you shit on our head.

But you pay the taxes.

Imagine a Britain without
Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face
for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history!

Cheaper drugs now!

Had double maths today.

We had to make up our own sums.

Peter Brannigan calculated how many
times a bloke will masturbate

during their lifetime.

He didn't use that word though.



Got a detention.

I worked out
the total number of days

I spent with Mum
before she left. Twice.

Hiya, love.

Came to 1,976.

Made your favourite.

Not great when you consider
I've been on the planet for 4,382.

Makes you want
to become self-sufficient.

You know,
cope with stuff on your own.

Means no-one will ever
let you down again.

Oh, and in case you're wondering,

it's 5,783 - the number of times
a bloke will, you know.

What they teaching you
at school - how to be a twat?

She's been cooking all afternoon.

Didn't ask her to.

She's bending over backwards.
Show some respect.

She's trying to impress Dad.

Grow up! They're here to stay,
so get used to it.

I'll give them a month.

Stella loves having them here,
never seen her so happy.

Sleeping through for the first time
ever. Don't fuck it up for her!

DOORBELL RINGS

Hold yer friggin' horses!

Dad found out I'm gay.

I left a porno in the bathroom
and he went schizo.

He did that?!

I'm going round there.

No! He's lost the plot.

Didn't Mum do anything?

She wasn't there.
She hasn't been for a month.

She's run off with another bloke.

And nobody bothered to tell me?
Thanks(!)

I don't want to go back there
until he's calmed down.

Stay here for a few days.

Cheers, mate.

You can sleep with me.

Top to tail.

So, how did your dads react
when they found out?

What - they don't know?

I'm just waiting for
the right moment, you know.

There's no point telling him
any more.

What do you mean?

We're seeing each other.

Fuck me! So you're bi?

Just found the right person.

(RETCHES)

Oi, greedy arse,
you going to pass that or what?

I didn't hear your dad come in.

He didn't.

So who's that for? Me.

No, you don't. It's illegal.

You can't tell me what to do.

What is it with you, Liam?
Do you know what?

Don't bother speaking at all

if you're going to be
a cheeky little prick.

'Night, love.

Now, that's what I call service!

I'll be wanting some money
off this. Got a dint in it.

Yeah, I know. I saw you do it.
Full price.

10p cheaper at Cost Chopper.

Piss off to Cost Chopper, then!

I'll be buying me girls' condoms
elsewhere an' all!

You're going to have to stop

taking your sexual frustration
out on customers.

Jamie still making the earth move?

Yeah, I've got
a great sex life, thanks.

Really - so when did you last come?

How many times, Joe? It's over.

You're doing my fucking head in.
This is getting sorted out.

It's already sorted.

I'm with the bloke
that I want to be with.

Yeah? Deal with it.

Right.

I will!

Morning, love.

Made any friends at big school?

You're welcome
to invite them back.

As long as they aren't gingas.

What about your breakfast?

I'm all right.

I'm worried about him.

Worry's like a rocking chair -

gives you something to do
but never fucking gets you anywhere.

Needs his cherry popping.

I think it's obvious what
his behaviour's signifying.

He needs mothering.

Have to bloody find her first.

Bit early, innit?

I'm still in a bit of pain.

You need to be discreet
to survive around here.

Anyone finds out you're a mincer,
your life won't be worth living.

So just follow my lead,

and if a bloke catches you
perving...

What you looking at, faggot?!

..there's only one way out of it.

I don't know,
but you're looking at a Maguire.

Bruce!

I don't know what you bothered
changing the locks for.

He'll never want
to step foot in here again!

So he thought
he'd come crawling to you?

He couldn't exactly get very far!

You haven't got a bloody clue
what things have been like.

Turning your back on your son!

He smokes that shit
from the minute he wakes up...

Oh, right, so you chucked
him out for being a stoner.

He needed a wake-up call, the loser!

Coward!
You're just making up excuses

to cover up for the fact that you
threw him out because he's gay.

Bruce is what?

Pathetic! I'm glad
Mum's seen the light.

She should've left you years ago.
What - you going to give me
a crack as well?

What the fuck
has he been telling you?

I'm going to call the police.

He's probably at Homework Club.

It's nearly ten!

He could be at a friend's.

I don't like this,
he's not been himself.

Oh, cheers, great welcome.

Liam's not home from school yet.

Probably run off -
wouldn't be the first time.

I knew a lad who ran
away to London once.

Ended up living in the slums,
forced into a life of crime.

That'll be Oliver Twist.

He'll be back when he wants feeding.

You ever thought of entering
Father Of The Year(?)

You read about all sorts.
Anything could've happened.

You are a little
ray of sunshine, Patty.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, thank God!

We thought you were
heading somewhere exotic.

So where've you been?

Out.

I thought we could go into town
on Saturday. Just you and me.

Who's she?

Wayne Dobson's little sister.

Thought you two could play.

I'm 11!

No, I mean go and...

"play".

Would you like me
to read you a bedtime story?

So, were you in the army?

RAF.

What plane did you fly?

Spitfire.

What was the name of your squadron?

This is worse than
the bloody Gestapo.

Your school said
it'd only take half hour.

I don't want to do
this any more than you do -

I wanted someone from World War I,
but they're all dead.

Stupid bloody soldiers
and stupid bloody wars.

"We make war that we
may live in peace."

Aristotle.

Be lot less bother if people
actually talked,

told each other what was wrong.

Like Churchill said,
"Less war war, more jaw jaw."

(COUGHS)

(WHEEZES)

Piss off if you're going.

How long've you got?

I said piss off.

You've done this before.

I'm surrounded by cabbages at home.

I'd better go.

Your teacher said
you'd fail this module

if you didn't get this assignment in.

Come tomorrow, huh?

Let yourself in. Any time.

Do you ever get any gay boys in here?

Only the ones who
like hospital food.

What you drinking?

Better have a pint.

Two pints, please, Karen.

Straight enough for you?

You don't have to go overboard.

Mam, this is Bruce, Maxine's
brother. He's staying with us.

About time we had a bit of eye candy
round here, aye, Karen?

Mimi Maguire.

Oh, Katie's nana?

You must really miss her.

Feel like I've had
me heart ripped out.

I hear she doted on you.

I was always in her nightmares.

Saving her from the monsters, like.

Good-looking lad like you could
have her with the click of a finger.

She's not got the right bits.

He means she's not his type.

He likes big tits,
not fried eggs.

I'm gay.

Urgh!

Better stick some Kylie on the
jukebox for the fudge-packer.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Go on, get on with it.
Give him a fuck.

He only went and told
everyone he's a Mary!

I just wish you'd had the bloody
decency to tell me first.

I'm not really.

I saw you in the pub.

I was just having a laugh.

So why did you tell everyone
that's why I kicked you out?

I kicked him out to force
him to sort himself out.

Make-up!

You snidey little...

We all tell porkies occasionally.
He's not a doctor. He isn't anything.

You complete fuck-up.

I needed somewhere to...

Going to miss footie practice
tonight.

You, miss footie?

He must be seeing a bird.

Well, are ya?

Yeah.

Mimi, any chance of you sticking
this one on the slate?

Same chance
as me sitting on yer face.

The milk of human kindness curdles
and turns slowly sour.

Yes, mate?

Pint and a whisky chaser. Double.

It's like a jungle out there,

sometimes I wonder
how I keep from going under.

So, well, they say a problem
shared is a problem halved.

Could you get him a drink?

Oh, cheers. You're a gent.
Frank Gallagher.

Ian's father?

Well, sort of.

Cameron Donnelly. Maxine's dad.

Oh, hoh, the meeting of the in-laws!
Mimi, line them up.

Need to celebrate the coming
together of two noble tribes.

Great. Cheers, mate.

So, either your missus has left you,

or you've just discovered
your son's a poof.

Both.

Shit! Two emergency Es, Mimi.

What would you do if you
found out your son was bent?

Actually...

..I don't think I'd mind.

Well, it has its advantages,
doesn't it?

They don't have nippers,

so you 'aven't got robbing
grandkids bleeding you dry.

They've got lots of girlie mates,
so you've got plenty to ogle at.

And statistically they die younger,
you know, AIDS and shit.

They may come into a bit of money,
plus you'd never have to run a
Hoover across the house again -

they like a nice clean home,
don't they?

Hey, what would you do, Paddy,

if you discovered one of
your lads was a fruit?

I'd do the right thing.

I'd put him out of his misery.

You're going to fuckin' night school!

What the hell are you
doing following me?

Just wanted to see
what she looked like.

Where is she?
Finishing off her macrame basket?

What's this?

I have to write down all
the times I get narked.

I'm doing an anger management
course.

Yeah, right!

So there's no girlfriend?

Look, if you're doing this for me...

I'm not.

I need to sort meself out.
I know I've got a problem.

You could've told me.

It's none of your business.

It is if you're talking
about me in there.

I talk about me.

You can't do this on your own.
I can help.

Leave it.

Oh, thank the Lord. I've phoned
all the hospitals, Frank.

That's a strange habit.

Like a dog - always finds
his way home eventually.

Come sit down, Ray.

Oh!

DRUNKEN LAUGHTER

Hey, didn't realise Tories
knew how to party!

CAM-ER-0NI CAM-ER-0NI CAM-ER-0NI

Where were you again last night?

I think he's got a girlfriend.

Ooohhh!

We don't all need adoration
to mask our insecurities.

It's not, it's not a problem
if she's a minger, son.

We all have to start somewhere.

I was at Reggie's.

Bring him round.
Want to see if he's as geeky as you.

He can't walk.

You don't want to be hanging
around with a raspberry ripple, son.

It's crap for your street cred.

He doesn't go to my school.

Even worse! Kid from another school,
you got to beat the shit out of 'em.

Oh, don't do that again, sir...

He doesn't go to any school.
He's 84.

What are you doing spending all
your time with a coffin-dodger for?

You know what for. You signed
the consent form for school.

I just don't show up
on your radar, do I?

Who is he, where's he live?

Come here, give me the bag,
give me... Give me the bag!

No! It's mine.

What's this?

When did this come?

We're all worried sick about her
and you kept this to yourself!?

Easy, Carl.

Four days ago!

Debbie sent it to me,
it's mine, it's private.

"Dear Liam, hope you lot haven't
burnt the bloody house down.

"By the time you read this
I'll be in Afghanistan,

"just been told
I've been posted there."

Is this what you've
been worried about?

Afghanistan!

Liam, if you need to talk.

If you're after getting
something off your chest,

some sort of touchy feely nonsense,

you've come to the wrong place.

All I'm after's a bit of privacy,
so that's fine by me.

You're having a bad time,
don't worry, it won't last forever.

What the hell's this?

It's for you,
for helping with my project.

You shouldn't go wasting your money.

I've got enough shit
in this place as it is.

What was it like?

Flying?

I don't want to talk about it.

PROPELLER AIRCRAFT AND GUNFIRE

I read a lot of pilots found
it hard to cope after the war.

They missed it so much.

Reggie. Reggie.

Yeah?

You're the only person I know
who enjoys meals on wheels.

Why do you get them delivered?

Legs don't work.

No-one to push me,
since I lost the wife.

Why don't you ask for some help?

I like to keep myself to myself.

Like a bit of privacy.

Two little ducks, 22.

Kelly, love, Libby wants a word.

It's about Liam.

What's up?

He's just really withdrawn.

Plus, he's lost his appetite.

I thought he might open up to you.

Young and keen, number 15.

How's he doing at school?
Has he made any friends?

Not really.

But he has befriended a retired
gentleman. Always round there.

S and M. Number 10.

What's wrong?

Well...why would an old geezer
want to spend time

with an 11-year-old boy?

I'll have a word.

Danny La Rue, 52.

Where have they all come from?

Autumn Days.
Nursing home on Brewer Lane.

Sister-in-law works there. She's
give me the entertainment budget.

They keep forgetting to cross
off the bloody numbers. Senile!

Frank Gallagher!

Sky, speed, adrenalin -

the best thrill, the purest high,
of my entire life!

Feel it. Feel it.

Feel it, lad -

that energy, that strength!

That's how we lived.
That's how we got through it.

Grasp every opportunity.

Take it and squeeze every second out
of every minute, out of every hour,

out of of every day,
knowing it could be your last.

No!
every bullet that whistled through the
air every streak of fire

that flew from the enemy guns,
could mean you'd be over, like that.

Faces melted,

blown apart, torn limb from limb.

The screams, the pleas.

"You would not tell
with such high zest

"To children ardent
for some desperate glory

"The old lie

"Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori."

My sister's just been sent
to Afghanistan.

I'm sorry.

But that's how it is.

Nutter's flipped again.

Karen. What the fuck?!

What? There's a free Engie Benjy
in selected boxes.

He's Connor's favourite.

Not our lucky day, eh?

Sorry about the mess.

Hey, hey. How much did you get
for her? (CHUCKLES)

You OK, kiddo?

I, er...hear you've got
a new friend.

Where'd you get the cash
for all that?

Used my dinner money.

You get free meals.

How did the interview go?

All right. OK.

Good. I dunno.

Well, they'd be stupid
not to take you on.

What does a head cleaner do, anyway?
Get a bigger brush?

You did the right thing. He needs
to stand on his own two feet.

Chucking your own brother
out on the streets?!

Homophobe!

What can I get for you?

Two pints. Vodka and coke.

He said anything about me?

Only that you made him very welcome.

Considering he's a royalty-loving,
right-wing nonce,

your dad's quite a laugh, in't he?

You've met me dad?

Met?! He was Sonny to my Cher.

Portland Street Hotel. We're barred.

It's nice to know
he's busy enjoying himself.

I don't think he's coping very well.

That's why he needed
some medicinal support.

Listen. As much as we care
about our kids,

we don't always
do the right thing by them.

Even I have been neglectful
on occasion.

He doesn't give a shit about me.

He never has.

You see, that's where you're wrong.

You leaving home and living with us
was a kick in the teeth for him.

He said so himself.

Listen, you'll have to act straight
when you're serving.

Oh, it's a good job I left my Lycra
hot pants at my dad's, then, innit?

Punters aren't used to it.

Don't usually get
arse-bandits round here.

I'm not the only bloke here who gets
a stiffy watching the Rugby League.

Hi, son.

Excuse me.

What the...?

What?

Your mother's left me up shit creek.

When did you last eat?

Can't remember.

Right, get your arse in the bath.
Tea'll be ready when you come down.

And chuck your dirty washing
down t'stairs.

Did "time outs" tonight.

Leaving a situation whenever
you start to feel uptight.

Yeah, well, I think it's
a load of touchy-feely bollocks.

Well, it's working.
As you've already seen.

Can see why your Liam likes
going to that old boy's house.

Spoiling him rotten.

Bags of sweets and...

Thought he'd be chuffed, but...

Looked far from chuffed
when I just saw him.

(FRANK) Vroom, vroom!

Frank! What are you doing with that?

(CHUCKLES) Found it in the yard.

So why's that old bloke
been giving you sweets?

Button it up, Jenson.

Might be a perv, Liam.

Evolution passed you by, didn't it?

Has he touched you?

Yeah. Where?

Living room, kitchen...

Where?

Here! In here!

Carl, you can't go
accusing people.

Look what happened when everyone
thought you'd murdered that lad.

(MUTTERS IN IRISH ACCENT)

He's helping with my project

and he's one of the few people
who isn't constantly on my back!

What's it about?

World War Two?

What a bloody waste of time that was!

Frank!

Well, what is the point
of us winning?

(IN GERMAN ACCENT)
You might not be able to hear

the sound of marching jackboots,

but it is still oppression.

Might be best if you don't
go round there any more, love.

We can help you with your project.

Pathetic fucking mates.

It makes you wonder why
all those fucking brave soldiers

gave their lives,

when you look at the modern landscape
of loutishness and disorder.

It's going cold.

I'm not hungry.

Whatever.

You know, Bruce is still
the same person.

He's queer.

It's not what I hoped for.

What every father hopes for.

Why did you make up a pathetic lie
about Ian being a doctor?

My school reports
all said the same thing...

"Maxine lacks confidence."

I've only ever encouraged you.

Shouting at me for coming second
at sports day?

You could've won.

I got Ian to lie

because I wanted you to think
I'd made something of myself.

Don't blame me for your
under-achieving.

You never pushed yourself.

I'm a glorified cleaner
at that hospital.

I clean floors like no other.
I take pride in my work.

I applied for a promotion
to be head cleaner.

I didn't get it.

My boss said I lacked confidence.

I tried ringing Mum.
Her phone's dead.

Ah, I bet you're dead pleased,
seeing all the boys settled down.

It's just this one to marry off now.

You not brought any women home
to see your Mam lately?

No, he keeps 'em all to himself.
Heard all about them, though.

Oh yeah?

Well, there was that fiery redhead.

Got a bit obsessive,
didn't she, son?

Yeah.

Then there was that stunning blonde.
But she dumped him.

Sat in his room
listening to Whitney for weeks.

Aww, bless!

D'you want another beer?

Anyone'd think you're keeping tabs
on me.

GROANING

Sorry, son. Can't have
a screamer collecting debts.

No! No!

VACUUM WHIRRS

Couldn't get rid of you last night.
It's a shame you fell asleep,

cos me and your mum -
we were up talking for hours.

I want a word with you, soft lad!

(GROANS)

(SOBS)

No! No!

(SCREAMS)

What's this I've heard about
you not flushing after a shit?

Anyone'd think you were dragged
up!

PHONE PLAYS
# GIRLS ALOUD: Can't Speak French

Silly cow burnt my school shirt.

Been getting the rise
taken out of me all day.

Oh, get some new ones, uh?

I can't take it with me.

My brother says
you could be a pervert.

My brother says
you could be a pervert.
(CHUCKLES)

He's right. But I haven't got the
energy for it, lad. You're safe.

I know.

CHORAL SONG PLAYS

Can I turn it up?

Yes.

Aren't you a bit hot in all that?

I'm fine.

We must never judge a man by his
actions until we know his motives.

I'm 84.

You can't show me anything
I've not seen before.

Take it off.

So, what little test
have you got for me today?

I've realised I've been
wanting everything my own way.

And so you should.

What you need is stability.

I just need time.

Got any extra long?

Bottom shelf.

I thought you weren't buying
in here any more.

We've cleared Cost Chopper out.
We had a few stag dos.

Can't we just go back
to the way we were?

No.

I'll only ever be just a fuck to you.

I want more.

A wife, family.

If I can't have a future with you,

then I'll have to have
it with someone else.

Have you not got any ribbed?

I like to treat me girls
now and again. Keeps the morale up.

She forgot her milk, dozy cow!

It's Debbie's.

My sister.

It's the wife's.

I've worn it since the day she died.

Here.

Reminds me of all we had, though.

She's just that bit closer.

A ring's symbolic -

has no beginning...

no end.

I don't know what the fuck wearing
a dress is all about, though.

I can still smell her perfume.

The house used to smell of it
on a Saturday night.

Doesn't any more, though.

I hope she makes it.

I hope she's
one of the lucky ones.

Fetch the milk, would you?

Help me up, would you?

I'm sorry, lad. I was just...

I know what you were doing.
I trusted you! I trusted you!

Just...

I just can't stand it
when you're in the supermarket

and somebody walks in front of you.

And you think, "Hold on. Fuck off!
I've been here ten minutes..."

VOICES BLEND INTO A CACOPHONY

Excuse me. Can I help you?

I'm Karen Pritchard. Joe's wife.

There's a room at my place
if you want it.

Is that you making a pass at me?

No. You're not my type.
Take it or leave it.

Just stop threatening me. There's
only so much I'll take. Got that?

Look, the thing about addicts is...

they're just running away
from who they really are.

And what they hate about themselves.

Just talk to him, calmly, civilised.

Bruce.

Why can't you be a man
and just admit that you're a faggot?

Although I realise that's
a contradiction in terms.

OK.

I'm a big fucking screaming faggot.

It's not quite what I meant.

Effective!

I just...

snap, see red.

And I've gotta sort it out,

cos I can't keep fucking up
all my relationships.

When I started seeing her...

it was a complete head-fuck.

Cos...

..I'd never felt like that
about anybody before.

I made out it was just a bit
of fun, cos I was shit scared.

Tell your wife.

I just want to get away from here.

A new life - whatever it takes.

Free from the past.

After all this time...

we deserve a chance at happiness.

The three of us.

You, me and our son, Connor.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Why are we here?

Cos there's a right
bloody draught in that lounge.

I meant, why are we here?

Oh.

I don't think there is
one definite reason.

Just got to find your own.

How?

Through your actions.

Making the world a better place
for your family and your mates.

Especially when they need you most.

Where are you going?

Reggie's.

I'm sorry, Liam - no.

I was walking by
earlier and I saw you...

in the dress.

What?!

No, Carl! Carl, no!

You can't go jumping to conclusions!

Where does he live?

(SHOUTS) Where does he live?!

Libby? Don't!

I'll find him and I'll kill him.
Keep him here.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS ON TV

I need to see him.

I need to.

TV CHANNELS CHANGE RAPIDLY

No, Mum, stop. Don't do that.

You know it...

DOOR OPENS

It was just a bloody hug, lad.

I know.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

You need to get up.
It'll make you feel better.

It's too late.

No time.

Bags of time!

Open the fucking door, now!

Open the fucking door, now!

Open the fucking door!
Open the door!

Liam! Liam!

Carl, no. Stop!

Liam, get out here! (SCREAMS)

Just get up.

Come on!

(ALL SHOUT INDISTINCTLY)

Get up!

CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC SOARS

(BOTH GIGGLE)

EXPLOSIONS

FIGHTER PLANE PASSES OVERHEAD

He didn't.

He didn't, Carl.

We should call the police.

Not yet.

MOURNFUL MUSIC PLAYS

'People are always going to
leave eventually,

'no matter how much
you don't want them to.

"That's why you've got to
enjoy them while they're here.

'Doesn't matter how much time
you actually spend with someone.

'It's the fact you've spent time
with them at all that's important.'

I'm going to be a fireman.

I've only got one more test to pass.

Give it up, son.
You'll never make it!

Beat my drum, Dad. Don't beat me
into the fucking ground.

Get down Ian's boxing club, Ches -
take some of that out on a bag.

You hitting this hard cos it's me?

You hitting this hard cos it's me?
Too right!

CHEERING

You can carry a tune. Been known to.

Known to murder a few.

Used to love my singing.
Said I had the voice of an angel.

No! Micky, tell him!

No!

(WAILS)

Synced & Corrected by GT4

# GNARLS BARKLEY: Crazy

# Ever since I was little

# Ever since I was little
It looked like fun

# And it's no co-incidence I've come

# Mmm

# And I can die when I'm done

# But maybe I'm crazy

# Maybe you're crazy

# Baby, we're crazy

# Probably-y-y. #