Shameless (2004–2013): Season 6, Episode 1 - Episode #6.1 - full transcript
Monica has had her baby,delivered with Ian's help and christened Stella Iana. Somewhat bizarrely the baby seems capable of speaking - or is it Frank hallucinating again? As Debbie hits sixteen she and Tom go public and the Gallaghers throw a party. It's bad news for Shane though when Kelly tells him she miscarried and for Ian,who is attacked and wakes up in hospital with total amnesia.
Come and watch pikeys
making a mess of the lives
they were given by 'im upstairs.
And kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth
could ever replace
kids needing money
or wives in your face.
Cos this, people reckon,
and me included,
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented.
To calm us all down
to stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.
We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes,
you shit on our head,
but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without
Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your
face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history,
cheaper drugs now.
Make poverty history,
cheaper drugs now!
(LAUGHS)
Scatter.
CLOCK TICKS
NEWSPAPER RUSTLES
CLOTH SQUEAKS ON GLASS
Sorry.
This is fucking ridiculous.
(SLURPS)
It's a Friday night.
Oh, for fuck's...
CHATTING, DANCE MUSIC
MUSIC STOPS
(ALL) Hey!
All right, fuck the law.
You can smoke inside.
(ALL CHEER)
(MAN) Nice one, boys, nice one...
(MAN) Why? Why? Why would ya
go and lie to me?
Listen, listen, listen....
Listen, listen, listen....
No, I'm not listening!
'Look at them.
'Who are these people?
'Never happier than when
they can mix'n'match substances
'in the company of like-minded
dwellers of the underbelly.
'How have they survived
the evolution of the species?
'Breeding like rabbits,
kids having kids,
'scavengers on the edge of society.
'Maybe the tabloids are right.
'Point and laugh, ridicule them,
lock 'em up and throw away the key.
'Why would anyone choose to
live here and be amongst them?
'I'm not sure I would.
I'm not sure I'm gonna!
'And they are my family,
they are my people.
'My name is Stella Gallagher.
'Don't worry,
it'll dawn on them eventually.
'"What have we forgot?" Here we go.
Three, two, one. Bingo.'
Fuck.
Stella!
Oi!
This is your last fucking warning.
Get it sorted by tomorrow,
or you're a dead man.
Cannon and Ball aren't dead, are...
SHANE! JAMIE!
Oi! Arsehole!
What was all that about?
What was all that about?
Don't know. I've never
seen him before.
Honest, I haven't. Some fucking
dickhead handing out death threats
to the wrong people.
Oh, hello.
The Ugly Police been using batons?
Fuck off!
Norma's doing the cake.
Mm!
Learnt to bake in jail, says it kept
her in tobacco the whole stretch.
Yvonne's doing the curry. Lillian's
girls are making the sandwiches,
and Karen's throwing
in sausage rolls and chicken wings.
You should stick on a cover charge,
you might make a profit.
So what time d'you
think I should arrive?
I want you there at the start.
Then people'll know we're together.
Then people'll know we're together.
I'll be 16 and we'll be legal.
Yeah,
but they'll think it started before.
So what? You can't control what
other people think, so why bother?
I'm not bothered.
(EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT)
Church is strong, big numbers.
Many people from
east of Europe come.
EU great for Catholics.
Yeah, cos that's what
the country needs,
more religious fundamentalists(!)
Exactly. Not weak,
like Church of England,
with lady priests and embracing
of the...homosexualists.
Baptism very serious business.
We do understand. We take religion
very seriously. Don't we, Frank?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Fish on Friday,
drink the blood of virgins,
self-flagellate on a regular basis.
I could be godfather.
(CLEARS THROAT)
What is this?
Baptismal vows I wrote myself.
We were hoping, you know,
to personalise
the service a little bit.
What are you?Hippy or something?
No, we're not into peace,
or anything like that.
Do you promise to renounce Satan,
and all his works, and all his pomp,
blah, blah, blah...
Do you promise to shower
this child with a rainbow of love,
and sprinkle on her head
the stardust of each wondrous day?
We do.
Oh, very much so, we do.
BABY CRIES
Excuse me, Father.
She's not feeding
very well at the minute.
Oh, no, please - allow me to
reluctantly drag myself away(!)
Carry on, Father. It gets better.
All right, settle down.
You see what you're responsible for?
Pope fucking Pious
Head Up His Arse in there?
And you won't thank us for it,
will ya,
when you'll be drinking cider on
street corners like all the rest.
when you'll be drinking cider on
street corners like all the rest.
(STELLA) Would you blame me?
Hello?
All this crap about
showering me wi' love,
it's just words to you, innit?
Oh, yeah, very funny(!)
Rip the piss out of
the sleep-deprived new father.
The only sleep-deprivation
you've ever suffered
has been caused by popping too many
E's of a night in The Jockey.
Babies enter life pure,
but they lose their innocence when
they're exposed to people like you.
What's the matter?
Cat got your tongue?
Bit early to be mashed, innit, Dad?
No. Y-Yeah.
Y-You're probably right.
You ought to be sterilised,
the lot of ya.
Being a parent should be
a privilege, not a right.
Course it should.
I-I-I'll just leave this with ya.
(PRIEST)..Strike lightning
for such blaspheming!
(MONICA) But, Father!
(MONICA) But, Father!
No buts. My decision is made.
Absolutely not.
No personal vows, tradition only.
But, Father...!
But, Father...!
And think very carefully.
Not every Tom, Dick and
Jerry can be godfather.
Not every Tom, Dick and
Jerry can be godfather.
I could be godfather!
It's like communism
never fucking happened.
Frank?
Yeah... What? Yeah. W-What?
Our baby,
growing inside your belly.
We'll even have a picture
after today, won't we?
It's only a scan, Shane.
It's like an X-ray of a peanut.
Tell you whatismiraculous though,
I've got piles already.
God knows what they'll be like
when I'm the size of a gable-end.
I'm sure your tits
are getting bigger.
I'm sure your tits
are getting bigger.
Easy, tiger!
Your 10.30's in, love. I should be
charging you ground rent.
I'm security.
With a face like that,
you should beinsecurity.
With a face like that,
you should beinsecurity.
Best make myself scarce, then.
Come on, Shane,
we've talked about this.
They pay extra cos I'm up the duff.
We'll need the cash.
You and this baby mean
everything to me, to all of us.
I know.
I'll see you later for the scan.
OK.
(STELLA) There's been a mistake.
I shouldn't be with you and her.
Look at the pair of ya.
This estate, what chance have I got?
The same as anybody else.
Exactly - none.
Oh, no, please don't say that!
What, you can hear her as well?
Of course I can.
I'm her mother.
Well, thank you very much
for fucking sharing.
I thought I was going off my dinger!
I thought I was going off my dinger!
Well, what was I supposed to say?!
"Oh, hello. Sorry, Frank,
but I'm communing
"with the spirit of
Caspar the Grumpy Baby?"
I'm a listener.
Only when you're not talking.
Only when you're not talking.
You talk all the fucking...
Only when you're not talking.
You talk all the fucking...
Oi, role models!
Stop arguing for two minutes.
The deal's off.
I'm not feeding, I'm not sleeping.
I'm just gonna...go.
Oi, nip it, you!
You're upsetting your mother.
She carried you around
for nine months, didn't she?
All right, fair point.
She did manage to stay off
the pills and the booze...mostly.
Tell you what, you find me
five good men on the Chatsworth,
show that there's something
decent about the place
and I'll stick around, give it a go.
Well, how do we prove that? You want
signed confirmation, or what?
Hello?! I'm trying to establish
the rules of the game here.
She's been doing this for days,
talking, then going quiet.
All right, all right.
Five good men - or women, I presume -
on the Chatsworth? No sweat.
Salt of the earth, round here.
It's hardly a curry, Debbie,
without garam masala.
Just a bit of cardamom and chilli.
I know, but our toilet was
like Piccadilly on a Saturday
for two days after.
All right.
I'll keep it mild.
Something else?
Something else?
No.
Everything all right, Tom?
Yeah, just the new
Community Initiative.
No trouble in the precinct?
No, it's been dead.
Stan didn't say owt
about a new initiative.
No, it's a secret. No-one knows.
You're Debbie Gallagher, aren't you?
You're Debbie Gallagher, aren't you?
That's right.
Didn't I hear that you've got
a birthday coming up?
Didn't I hear that you've got
a birthday coming up?
My sixteenth.
What you doing? I know that you go
out with each other. Stan told me.
What?
He's my partner, Tom.
We tell each other everything.
This is so embarrassing.
Debbie, wait!
That was so humiliating.
I know.
I thought we could trust Stan.
That's not the point. It's bizarre,
pretending we don't know each other.
If Yvonne knows,
everyone probably does.
Trust me, it'll be worth it,
they'll be off our backs.
Trust me, it'll be worth it,
they'll be off our backs.
No-one is on our backs, Tom.
Love's young dream!
Don't let me interrupt ya.
LOUD BANG
Fuck!
Are you determined to become
a human punchbag, or what?
Are you determined to become
a human punchbag, or what?
Sorry. I weren't paying attention.
You don't look right good, mate.
You don't look right good, mate.
Just a little freaked out
from last night.
Want me to see what I can find out?
Want me to see what I can find out?
No, leave it. It's not worth it.
You don't have to pay me
or owt like that.
I could do with t' practice.
I could do with t' practice.
Nah. Cheers, though.
What's the wood for?
It's a secret project. For Kelly.
Ian!
It's not him!
It's not him!
What?
It's not him!
What?
It's the wrong fucking geezer.
How is that red hair?!
Shit!
I came as soon as I heard.
I've had me mobile off all day.
Oh, my God. He's in a coma!
No, he's not. They put him to sleep,
to help his body get over the shock.
just stitches.
Was it the guy who
nutted him outside The Jockey?
I got the plate.
We don't want any trouble.
No. I'll just have a little chat
with him about the Highway Code.
Ian, love.
How d'you feel?
Ian, son,
it's me, your adoptive father.
Can you talk?
Liam, get a doctor.
Ian, say something.
Yeah, you're freaking us out.
Who the fuck's Ian?
I should be so lucky,
lucky, lucky, lucky...
After ten o'clock, put 5p on a packet
of 10, 10p on a packet of 20...
Hope you're hungry.
Nothing like a tea-time fry-up.
Something wrong?
It's just we're fasting, Stan.
It's not Ramadan.
It's not Ramadan.
It's Sawm.
We do it every year for a week.
I'll do it as well. We're a family
unit. Got to support each other.
For fuck's sake, Shane!
Twenty a day. Trying to keep the baby
small, cos I'm too posh to push.
'What team do you support?'
I don't know.
United.City.
Maybe something more cultural.
Erm...
What's your favourite uniform,
firefighter or Household Cavalry?
Yeah, something a bit closer to home.
Do you remember your
middle name, son?
That's a trick question.
He hasn't got one.
We didn't give him a middle name?
Fuck, how poor were we?
Why aren't you dressed?
There's nothing wrong with you,
bar a few stitches.
We've had worse playground
accidents.
We've had worse playground
accidents.
But he hasn't got a memory.
I don't remember Saturday night,
but you don't see me hogging a bed.
Come on! Chop chop! If you want
R&R, check into The Priory.
Oh yeah! You'd love that!
Clear the wards, replace them
with high-priced rehabilitation
for the working classes, which...
Yeah, whatever.
Give him his clothes.
He hasn't got any.
They cut them off him.
He hasn't got any.
They cut them off him.
Didn't you bring any spare?
Did you?
You know what the weirdest thing is?
I don't know any of you.
Don't know who my mates are.
Couldn't even say if I
had a girlfriend or not.
We'll have to tell him.
We'll have to tell him.
No, we don't.
This could be a second chance.
This could be a second chance.
Second chance for what?
Not to be a poof. He might
not remember he fancies blokes.
It's not a choice, it's part of you,
like the colour of your eyes, or...
Your favourite curry or something.
Mum, you know when you was a dyke?
Did you choose it,
or was it in your genes.
Ah, discussing the
girlfriend problem, are we?
Well, I've no idea how you
tell someone they're too Plug
to have ever had a bird.
I suggest
we keep it between ourselves,
shall we?
Oh, look at you!
He looks like an old man.
Who give you that shirt?Oxfam?!
I don't give a toss.
Get here in 20 minutes.
Terrible thing, amnesia.
Imagine not being able to
remember your loved ones,
or what kind of pies you like.
He might be fine,
back to normal.
Not with brain injuries.
They can completely
change your character.
I'm so sorry. I've been
looking for you everywhere.
I went to hospital
with Ian Gallagher.
I went to hospital
with Ian Gallagher.
We heard.
How is he?
He don't know if it's
Christmas or Crackerjack.
He don't know if it's
Christmas or Crackerjack.
Crackerjack!
Well?
What?
The scan.
I want to see a picture of the baby.
They didn't do it. Needs
two of you there. I'm tired
And what's wi' sawdust?
Terrible thing, amnesia.
Imagine not being able to
remember your loved ones,
or what kind of pies you like.
Easy! Stitches!
Sorry. I'm Mandy,
your brother's ex-partner,
mother of your niece.
And mate.
I'm gonna have to start
writing this down.
This is the kitchen.
And this is the kettle.
I know what stuff is.
Listen. I'm shattered
and I wouldn't mind a kip.
Of course, love.
Well, show him his room, then.
Get him some clothes. It's his memory
he's lost, not his fashion sense.
Get him some clothes. It's his memory
he's lost, not his fashion sense.
I've got some magazines to show you.
Not the ones with the animals.
Don't wanna confuse him.
Did the baby feed?
Not a drop.
Been upstairs a couple of hours.
I've checked on her, but
she's just lying there awake.
How 'bout her?
She's all right.
Or her?
Look, just give us a rest, will you?
Franny Gower?
Boiled his neighbour's parrot on
the stove. Said it were abusive.
Xavier O'Neill?
Cut his mother up in the bath.
What about old Aggie Palmer? Nobody's
ever had a bad word to say about her.
They kicked her out
the sheltered housing.
Turned out she never needed
that wheelchair.Fuck!
There must be somebody!
I mean good's a relative concept.
So if we could get her to be
more specific, or lower the number.
'Fine. One good person.
Not five. One.
'That's all you need to find and
you'll be up shit creek with that.'
Hey, language! No swearing before
you're six months. She's right.
What does "good" mean?
One person's good man
is another person's arsehole.
Look at Terry Waite. Moaning bastard.
'Tick, tock...'
It's not a game!
'Tick, tock, tick...'
Eh! Alexander the Great ruled half
of Asia by the time he was your age.
Stop wasting your mystical,
fucking talking baby
powers tormenting us!
What you doing?
New parenting
technique, all the rage.
Compare your baby to figures from
history. It helps them be achievers.
We're off out.
How are you feeling?
Live in the Dormobile out back.
Why?
Oh, this should be good.
Oh, hi.
MUSIC
Anyone there? Please let me out!
Let me out. It wasn't me.
You've got the wrong man.
Honestly, it wasn't me.
How d'you get on?
Fuck all.
What?
What?
You?
(SIGHS)
I know!
Old Harry. He ran the
Scouts and the Boys' Club.
Harry, Lollipop Man.Yeah.
OBE!
Would you like a sweetie?
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Thanks a fucking bunch, Harry.
You were my safe bet.
Hiya, Carl.
You all right?
You're popular.
Patsy Bell. Gave four of us a seeing
to last summer, behind the Reccy.
Not as popular as you.
You're a right shagger.
The girls round
here are totally into you.
Surprised you're not
a Dad ten times over.
Bollocks.
Lick it, you buy it. All right?!
Like her.
She was mad into you for ages.
Husband left cos of it.
Did we...?
Yeah, all the time.
Hiya, love. How's your head?
Cool.
Just getting back to myself.
Just gonna go for a walk.
Maybe once I'm back
on my feet,
we can... spend some
time together.
Whatever it is you've been
saying to him, pack it in!
What you doing?
Nothing.
Not cruising for company, are ya?
Not got an itch to scratch?
No.
You're a homo.
What?
A homosexual. A man
who fancies other men...
Yeah, I know what a homosexual is.
Well, that's you.
You're full of shit.
It's true!
You were one even before I was.
Well, before I admitted it.
So, how come I've
shagged all those women?
What women?
The one at the shop,
she were one of them.
I saw her a minute ago.
She was totally into me.
Who? Yvonne?
Who? Yvonne?
Yeah.
You never shagged her.
You shagged her husband.
You're sick.
You did!
And you loved him.
And his name was Kash.
Have you got a pink car?
Have you got a pink car?
You're remembering.
What you doing?
Taking in the air.
Has it all coming flooding back?
Not really.
A bit.
It's bizarre,
I keep getting this feeling,
I don't know if I'm happy
or if I'm not.
Nobody's happy.
It's only in retrospect,
looking back, you think
"Fuck, that was a good time."
So, how do I know if I'm doing
the right thing, with my life?
Do I look like Oprah?
Who?
Just follow your gut,
see where it takes you.
Is that what you did?
I have the face I deserve son,
make your own judgement.
What does that mean?
Fucked if I know.
You've got to show support.
I mean, Yvonne's great.
Never been any pressure
for me to convert or anything.
It's the least I can do.
And besides, it's got to stand
me in good stead, hasn't it?
Brownie points in the...
personal stakes.
What, sex?
No monkey business
during fasting, Stanley.
Didn't she tell ya?
It's about self-control, patience,
atonement for us faults and
misdeeds, cleansing your inner soul.
I gave up chocolate for Lent
16 years running, but no sex?
The whole point of being
in a relationship is that...
It'll be worth it, Stan,
you'll feel better about
yourself, and you'll have
earned it when it comes.
What?
The food, or the other?
Both.
At the same time?
What's the big mystery?
Did somebody die?
Just, er, sit down.
This is Caley Quigley,
she's an Aislingeach.
I'm sorry, I'm none the wiser.
A Dreamer, an Irish visionary.
She sees things other people can't.
Still don't get it.
She can tell us about the baby,
if he's healthy, and happy
and what sex he might be.
And all she'll have to do
is put her hands on your belly.
She will fucking not!
Wait,
Kel, come on this is important.
Her mother was an Aislingeach,
and her grandmother before that.
Caley has dreamt of every
child born into this family.
Her hands know my womb
better than I know it meself.
Please.
Fine.
Grope away.
Relax.
You'll probably feel
a wee tingling go through you,
but it's nothing
to be alarmed about.
It's very early in the pregnancy.
If I could just...
I see a boy.
A big, healthy, hairy, boy.
I knew it! >
The seed of my son is strong!
I am so tired me eyeballs feel like
they've been dipped in vinegar.
D'you think we're sick?
That's not easy to say.
Some people think you're
born with it, others think
that it's nurture over nature.
With you, being a dyke was more
lifestyle choice, wasn't it?
I'm not talking about Norma
and me,
I'm talking about us.
Our daughter's talking to us,
through some sort of baby telepathy.
I think it means
we are good parents.
I feel...
that I have a particularly
strong bond with her.
So, er, what's her middle name?
It's something weird, in't it?
Brian?
Mum, she's freaking me out,
she keeps staring all the time.
Iana.
Her middle name's Iana.
Think I prefer Brian.
Jamie, get yourself
into that dusky cellar,
and remove a crate
of your finest champagne
and none of your
sparkling wine shite.
What's the occasion?
It's a boy.
A healthy, bouncing, baby boy.
You're looking well on it.
How far gone are you?
Thirteen weeks.
Caley Quigley were over
and everything
is exactly as it should be.
Well, congratulations again, Debbie.
I, I better be going.
Nonsense, you're going nowhere.
Get yourself and this lovely
girlfriend of yours a drink on me.
In fact, drinks all round.
She's not my girlfriend.
Of course she is.
You've been seeing each other for...
For months. What are you doing?
Oh, my God.
Does everybody know?
It seems like it.
Well, this is a disaster.
You're only concerned with
what other people think.
We've only been going
out a few months.
It should be young
and carefree and fun.
It is fun.
When was the last time you
surprised me, did something wild?
I do wild things.
No, you don't.
You act like you're...
old.
VOICE OVER THE RADIO
I have to go.
Thanks, doctor.
That was about as useful
as an echo in a coffin.
He says there's nothing
physically wrong with her.
We could always take her to casualty.
What, on a weekend,
in the Chatsworth?
She's really still.
Her eyes don't even
follow you when you move.
'You couldn't find one, could ya?
'Not one good person
on this whole estate.'
We're still trying.
'Don't waste your time. I'll
be gone, and we can all move on.'
Why don't you have a little milk
and then a nap, and we can
carry on looking tomorrow?
Why are you saying stuff to her?
We're communicating, son.
Just...just listen.
'It's nothing personal, you know?
I don't hate you. It's just...
'I'd hoped for more.'
Will you try, baby?
Talk to us, sweetheart.
Whatever it is...
..I promise too.
Anything?
I'm sorry if I hurt ya.
It were a long time ago.
And you were... you are a good lad.
Weren't down to you.
Doesn't look like
the venue for the high point
in anybody's life though.
Were it?
I can remember it.
Ian,
stop reminiscing and come with me.
Shane got the licence plate.
Couple of phone calls.
Present from the family.
What am I supposed to do with them?
Anything,they tried to kill you.
Which one first?
Left or right?
What?
You know, eeny-meeny-miney-moe.
No.
I can do 'em, if it bothers you?
Me Dad and Shane normally
do this sort of stuff,
but how hard can it be?
No, I mean...
I might not know who I am,
but I know I'd rather
fuck them than chop 'em up.
What?
Is this what my life's been like?
Sneaking around,
scared to tell anyone I'm gay,
but happy to
get involved in murder?
No, not the murder bit.
We mainly keep that in the family.
I don't want this, Micky.
Why would I want to remember this?
But they're hoodlums.
Not them, everything.
All of it.
My whole fucking so-called life.
Ian!
Hello?
Please, baby, please.
You're mother's in there throwing up
rings round herself with worry.
We'll try, we will try.
I mean we've been trying...
Please, please, please...
♪ Don't go breaking my heart
♪ I won't go breaking your heart
♪ Don't go breaking my heart
♪ I won't go breaking your heart... ♪
If I could have your attention.
Sorry for interrupting
your drinking,
but I'd like you to join me
in extending your best wishes
to the Birthday Girl...
and my girlfriend, Debbie Gallagher.
CHEERING
Time to open the gifts, I think...
me first.
For fuck's sake, hurry up!
Go on.
It's a key to our flat.
I put down a deposit this evening.
Who says I can't be wild, eh?
Say something.
I don't want to live with you, Tom.
Debbie, wait!
What do you mean
you don't want to live with me?
What made you think I would?
Well, you love me, don't you?
Of course I do.
But I'm not ready for that
commitment.
How am I supposed to know
what you want, Debbie?
You know, do something wild,
surprise me, you said.
Yeah, but not like this.
Then like what?
It's like dealing
with a child sometimes.
I don't, I don't mean that.
Well, I do...
A bit.
You want to be wild and carefree
and passionate and unpredictable,
fine.
But I've got a job
and concerns and responsibilities.
Now you can laugh at me for
trying to get us off on a respectable
footing with the people who live
round here, but one of us has to.
I'm 16.
I don't care about
being respectable.
Well, I do.
I've never had it.
I never grew up with a family.
You want to wing it
and be a teenager, I don't.
I've been there, and truth be told,
I didn't really enjoy it
the first time round.
So, what do we do?
I don't think I even have to say it.
No, don't follow me.
Come wi' me.
Since when did you turn into
an international man o' mystery?
I don't know if I can take
any more surprises, Shane.
Come on.
Jamie!
This is why all the sawdust.
Inside of my mouth's been like
a butcher's floor
for the past few days.
Da-da.
I wanted to build him one meself,
before anybody bought him one.
It needs a...
I'm not pregnant, Shane.
It's a pseudocyesis,
a phantom pregnancy...
like hysterics get.
What about the dream?
She must have been dreaming about
somebody else. I had the scan, Shane.
Here's the baby.
It's non existent, Shane.
It's an empty fucking space.
Seems I'm having some kind
of breakdown.
I either want a baby too much,
or I don't want one at all,
they can't tell me.
All they do know is,
my fucking stupid body made it up,
so I'm sorry, but I can't give you
a son, or a daughter, or anything.
No, don't touch me.
Mum.
(SOBS)
How you doing?
You shouldn't be going
steady at your age, any road.
At least not with someone who's
old enough to be your grandfather.
I just feel so stupid,
getting so teary over a boy.
You're the one with real problems.
getting so teary over a boy.
You're the one with real problems.
Cheers.
You know what I mean.
I'm remembering stuff.
Well, some stuff.
And...?
I can't believe that's all there is,
that I've settled for what I've got.
You haven't settled.
Everyone thinks
the sun shines out your arse.
Not about what other
people think, though, is it?
Carl's right.
No, he's not!
About the gay thing.
About it being a second chance.
I've got to make changes, Debs.
Get shot of the carrots, Ches.
After sundown, all bets are off.
What have you got?
What have I not got. Must have
nearly every dish on Ashoka's menu.
Have you really had nothing to
eat or drink, sunrise to sunset?
Two days now. I'm really
starting to feel the benefit.
Didn't think you were up to it.
I can understand supporting us
during Ramadan, but Sawm's voluntary.
That's going the extra mile.
Voluntary?
Sawm is voluntary.
Not compulsory, voluntary.
Yeah, I know.
Chicken jalfrezi and a lamb bhuna.
Get upstairs.
But...Now!
Mum?
Debbie!
Please, we have to talk.
Debbie!
Oi, I've got a baby
sleeping in there, or not sleeping.
She's still in there.
I want to talk to her.
That's a woman's prerogative, son.
Lesson number one.
That's a woman's prerogative, son.
Lesson number one.
I said, I want to talk to her!
Agh!
What did you do that for?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just...
Because you picked the wrong night.
There's been enough crying
round here. I'm not having it.
I've got a gun.
Yeah, and I don't give
a monkey's fart if you use it.
I've got a wife and a daughter
in there, both of whom are going to
need scraping off the floor later.
So go on, do your worst.
Fine.
I'll use it on myself.
Dad?
Go inside, Carl.
You don't understand.
I can't make you out,
you've got the...
I can't make you out,
you've got the...
You don't understand. I love her.
I've got nine kids
by two different women,
both of whom are beautifully demented
in their own unique manner.
You think I haven't shed tears?
We could have made it
if it wasn't for everybody else.
We could have made it
if it wasn't for everybody else.
There's always someone to blame.
I'll tell you something
I do know, though.
When it goes bad,
no matter how hard you try,
you'll never get it back again.
Never!
So just gather yourself up,
and move on.
I'd rather die.
Then, think on this, Constable.
That is my daughter in there,
and if you ruin her life
by blowing your charming,
but deeply flawed, Celtic brains
all over my back yard,
I will piss on your grave
each and every fucking day.
That I promise ya.
Don't be a daftie, give me that.
Is everything all right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Think there's a lad could
do with an escort home, Stan.
Of course.
I'll just get dressed.
Come in, Tom.
Oh, how...?
I don't know.
She wouldn't stop crying,
and I didn't know what else to do,
and she hasn't come up for air.
Oh.
So what's the story, morning glory?
I'm proud of ya, Dad.
I baptise you
Stella Iana Princess Gallagher,
in the name of the Father
and the Son and the Holy Ghost.
Amen.
Thought you might want these.
Only if you two will be godparents.
Only if you two will be godparents.
Can I be the bloke?
I don't mind.
Do you promise to shower this child
with a rainbow of love,
and sprinkle on her head
the star-dust of each wondrous day?
(BOTH) We do.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm going away for a bit.
You haven't had your stitches out.
They're dissolving ones.
It'll be fine.
They're dissolving ones.
It'll be fine.
Where are you going?
I don't know yet.
I've got some money in the bank,
or so the statement says.
I'll see where I end up.
Do you hate us?
Do you hate us?
God, no. I love ya.
It's just remembering stuff
you'd forgotten about yourself.
It's exciting,
but it's disappointing, too.
And I don't want disappointments.
Will you write to us?
I'll phone you. It's not the
18th-fucking-century.
Shouldn't you tell the rest of them?
Shouldn't you tell the rest of them?
You tell them for me.
They've had a rough few days.
But you'll come back?
Course I will.
You fucking better.
Oi! Just cos you're 16,
don't mean you can swear.
So maybe the tabloids are wrong
and we, yes, we are not all so bad.
So what if we wear our hearts
and our appetites on our sleeves?
Who's to judge? You?
Life shouldn't be bland.
You get one shot.
Life should be devoured
like the feast that it is.
Keith Richards on a bender,
and that's why I'm sticking around.
making a mess of the lives
they were given by 'im upstairs.
And kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth
could ever replace
kids needing money
or wives in your face.
Cos this, people reckon,
and me included,
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented.
To calm us all down
to stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.
We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes,
you shit on our head,
but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without
Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your
face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history,
cheaper drugs now.
Make poverty history,
cheaper drugs now!
(LAUGHS)
Scatter.
CLOCK TICKS
NEWSPAPER RUSTLES
CLOTH SQUEAKS ON GLASS
Sorry.
This is fucking ridiculous.
(SLURPS)
It's a Friday night.
Oh, for fuck's...
CHATTING, DANCE MUSIC
MUSIC STOPS
(ALL) Hey!
All right, fuck the law.
You can smoke inside.
(ALL CHEER)
(MAN) Nice one, boys, nice one...
(MAN) Why? Why? Why would ya
go and lie to me?
Listen, listen, listen....
Listen, listen, listen....
No, I'm not listening!
'Look at them.
'Who are these people?
'Never happier than when
they can mix'n'match substances
'in the company of like-minded
dwellers of the underbelly.
'How have they survived
the evolution of the species?
'Breeding like rabbits,
kids having kids,
'scavengers on the edge of society.
'Maybe the tabloids are right.
'Point and laugh, ridicule them,
lock 'em up and throw away the key.
'Why would anyone choose to
live here and be amongst them?
'I'm not sure I would.
I'm not sure I'm gonna!
'And they are my family,
they are my people.
'My name is Stella Gallagher.
'Don't worry,
it'll dawn on them eventually.
'"What have we forgot?" Here we go.
Three, two, one. Bingo.'
Fuck.
Stella!
Oi!
This is your last fucking warning.
Get it sorted by tomorrow,
or you're a dead man.
Cannon and Ball aren't dead, are...
SHANE! JAMIE!
Oi! Arsehole!
What was all that about?
What was all that about?
Don't know. I've never
seen him before.
Honest, I haven't. Some fucking
dickhead handing out death threats
to the wrong people.
Oh, hello.
The Ugly Police been using batons?
Fuck off!
Norma's doing the cake.
Mm!
Learnt to bake in jail, says it kept
her in tobacco the whole stretch.
Yvonne's doing the curry. Lillian's
girls are making the sandwiches,
and Karen's throwing
in sausage rolls and chicken wings.
You should stick on a cover charge,
you might make a profit.
So what time d'you
think I should arrive?
I want you there at the start.
Then people'll know we're together.
Then people'll know we're together.
I'll be 16 and we'll be legal.
Yeah,
but they'll think it started before.
So what? You can't control what
other people think, so why bother?
I'm not bothered.
(EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT)
Church is strong, big numbers.
Many people from
east of Europe come.
EU great for Catholics.
Yeah, cos that's what
the country needs,
more religious fundamentalists(!)
Exactly. Not weak,
like Church of England,
with lady priests and embracing
of the...homosexualists.
Baptism very serious business.
We do understand. We take religion
very seriously. Don't we, Frank?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Fish on Friday,
drink the blood of virgins,
self-flagellate on a regular basis.
I could be godfather.
(CLEARS THROAT)
What is this?
Baptismal vows I wrote myself.
We were hoping, you know,
to personalise
the service a little bit.
What are you?Hippy or something?
No, we're not into peace,
or anything like that.
Do you promise to renounce Satan,
and all his works, and all his pomp,
blah, blah, blah...
Do you promise to shower
this child with a rainbow of love,
and sprinkle on her head
the stardust of each wondrous day?
We do.
Oh, very much so, we do.
BABY CRIES
Excuse me, Father.
She's not feeding
very well at the minute.
Oh, no, please - allow me to
reluctantly drag myself away(!)
Carry on, Father. It gets better.
All right, settle down.
You see what you're responsible for?
Pope fucking Pious
Head Up His Arse in there?
And you won't thank us for it,
will ya,
when you'll be drinking cider on
street corners like all the rest.
when you'll be drinking cider on
street corners like all the rest.
(STELLA) Would you blame me?
Hello?
All this crap about
showering me wi' love,
it's just words to you, innit?
Oh, yeah, very funny(!)
Rip the piss out of
the sleep-deprived new father.
The only sleep-deprivation
you've ever suffered
has been caused by popping too many
E's of a night in The Jockey.
Babies enter life pure,
but they lose their innocence when
they're exposed to people like you.
What's the matter?
Cat got your tongue?
Bit early to be mashed, innit, Dad?
No. Y-Yeah.
Y-You're probably right.
You ought to be sterilised,
the lot of ya.
Being a parent should be
a privilege, not a right.
Course it should.
I-I-I'll just leave this with ya.
(PRIEST)..Strike lightning
for such blaspheming!
(MONICA) But, Father!
(MONICA) But, Father!
No buts. My decision is made.
Absolutely not.
No personal vows, tradition only.
But, Father...!
But, Father...!
And think very carefully.
Not every Tom, Dick and
Jerry can be godfather.
Not every Tom, Dick and
Jerry can be godfather.
I could be godfather!
It's like communism
never fucking happened.
Frank?
Yeah... What? Yeah. W-What?
Our baby,
growing inside your belly.
We'll even have a picture
after today, won't we?
It's only a scan, Shane.
It's like an X-ray of a peanut.
Tell you whatismiraculous though,
I've got piles already.
God knows what they'll be like
when I'm the size of a gable-end.
I'm sure your tits
are getting bigger.
I'm sure your tits
are getting bigger.
Easy, tiger!
Your 10.30's in, love. I should be
charging you ground rent.
I'm security.
With a face like that,
you should beinsecurity.
With a face like that,
you should beinsecurity.
Best make myself scarce, then.
Come on, Shane,
we've talked about this.
They pay extra cos I'm up the duff.
We'll need the cash.
You and this baby mean
everything to me, to all of us.
I know.
I'll see you later for the scan.
OK.
(STELLA) There's been a mistake.
I shouldn't be with you and her.
Look at the pair of ya.
This estate, what chance have I got?
The same as anybody else.
Exactly - none.
Oh, no, please don't say that!
What, you can hear her as well?
Of course I can.
I'm her mother.
Well, thank you very much
for fucking sharing.
I thought I was going off my dinger!
I thought I was going off my dinger!
Well, what was I supposed to say?!
"Oh, hello. Sorry, Frank,
but I'm communing
"with the spirit of
Caspar the Grumpy Baby?"
I'm a listener.
Only when you're not talking.
Only when you're not talking.
You talk all the fucking...
Only when you're not talking.
You talk all the fucking...
Oi, role models!
Stop arguing for two minutes.
The deal's off.
I'm not feeding, I'm not sleeping.
I'm just gonna...go.
Oi, nip it, you!
You're upsetting your mother.
She carried you around
for nine months, didn't she?
All right, fair point.
She did manage to stay off
the pills and the booze...mostly.
Tell you what, you find me
five good men on the Chatsworth,
show that there's something
decent about the place
and I'll stick around, give it a go.
Well, how do we prove that? You want
signed confirmation, or what?
Hello?! I'm trying to establish
the rules of the game here.
She's been doing this for days,
talking, then going quiet.
All right, all right.
Five good men - or women, I presume -
on the Chatsworth? No sweat.
Salt of the earth, round here.
It's hardly a curry, Debbie,
without garam masala.
Just a bit of cardamom and chilli.
I know, but our toilet was
like Piccadilly on a Saturday
for two days after.
All right.
I'll keep it mild.
Something else?
Something else?
No.
Everything all right, Tom?
Yeah, just the new
Community Initiative.
No trouble in the precinct?
No, it's been dead.
Stan didn't say owt
about a new initiative.
No, it's a secret. No-one knows.
You're Debbie Gallagher, aren't you?
You're Debbie Gallagher, aren't you?
That's right.
Didn't I hear that you've got
a birthday coming up?
Didn't I hear that you've got
a birthday coming up?
My sixteenth.
What you doing? I know that you go
out with each other. Stan told me.
What?
He's my partner, Tom.
We tell each other everything.
This is so embarrassing.
Debbie, wait!
That was so humiliating.
I know.
I thought we could trust Stan.
That's not the point. It's bizarre,
pretending we don't know each other.
If Yvonne knows,
everyone probably does.
Trust me, it'll be worth it,
they'll be off our backs.
Trust me, it'll be worth it,
they'll be off our backs.
No-one is on our backs, Tom.
Love's young dream!
Don't let me interrupt ya.
LOUD BANG
Fuck!
Are you determined to become
a human punchbag, or what?
Are you determined to become
a human punchbag, or what?
Sorry. I weren't paying attention.
You don't look right good, mate.
You don't look right good, mate.
Just a little freaked out
from last night.
Want me to see what I can find out?
Want me to see what I can find out?
No, leave it. It's not worth it.
You don't have to pay me
or owt like that.
I could do with t' practice.
I could do with t' practice.
Nah. Cheers, though.
What's the wood for?
It's a secret project. For Kelly.
Ian!
It's not him!
It's not him!
What?
It's not him!
What?
It's the wrong fucking geezer.
How is that red hair?!
Shit!
I came as soon as I heard.
I've had me mobile off all day.
Oh, my God. He's in a coma!
No, he's not. They put him to sleep,
to help his body get over the shock.
just stitches.
Was it the guy who
nutted him outside The Jockey?
I got the plate.
We don't want any trouble.
No. I'll just have a little chat
with him about the Highway Code.
Ian, love.
How d'you feel?
Ian, son,
it's me, your adoptive father.
Can you talk?
Liam, get a doctor.
Ian, say something.
Yeah, you're freaking us out.
Who the fuck's Ian?
I should be so lucky,
lucky, lucky, lucky...
After ten o'clock, put 5p on a packet
of 10, 10p on a packet of 20...
Hope you're hungry.
Nothing like a tea-time fry-up.
Something wrong?
It's just we're fasting, Stan.
It's not Ramadan.
It's not Ramadan.
It's Sawm.
We do it every year for a week.
I'll do it as well. We're a family
unit. Got to support each other.
For fuck's sake, Shane!
Twenty a day. Trying to keep the baby
small, cos I'm too posh to push.
'What team do you support?'
I don't know.
United.City.
Maybe something more cultural.
Erm...
What's your favourite uniform,
firefighter or Household Cavalry?
Yeah, something a bit closer to home.
Do you remember your
middle name, son?
That's a trick question.
He hasn't got one.
We didn't give him a middle name?
Fuck, how poor were we?
Why aren't you dressed?
There's nothing wrong with you,
bar a few stitches.
We've had worse playground
accidents.
We've had worse playground
accidents.
But he hasn't got a memory.
I don't remember Saturday night,
but you don't see me hogging a bed.
Come on! Chop chop! If you want
R&R, check into The Priory.
Oh yeah! You'd love that!
Clear the wards, replace them
with high-priced rehabilitation
for the working classes, which...
Yeah, whatever.
Give him his clothes.
He hasn't got any.
They cut them off him.
He hasn't got any.
They cut them off him.
Didn't you bring any spare?
Did you?
You know what the weirdest thing is?
I don't know any of you.
Don't know who my mates are.
Couldn't even say if I
had a girlfriend or not.
We'll have to tell him.
We'll have to tell him.
No, we don't.
This could be a second chance.
This could be a second chance.
Second chance for what?
Not to be a poof. He might
not remember he fancies blokes.
It's not a choice, it's part of you,
like the colour of your eyes, or...
Your favourite curry or something.
Mum, you know when you was a dyke?
Did you choose it,
or was it in your genes.
Ah, discussing the
girlfriend problem, are we?
Well, I've no idea how you
tell someone they're too Plug
to have ever had a bird.
I suggest
we keep it between ourselves,
shall we?
Oh, look at you!
He looks like an old man.
Who give you that shirt?Oxfam?!
I don't give a toss.
Get here in 20 minutes.
Terrible thing, amnesia.
Imagine not being able to
remember your loved ones,
or what kind of pies you like.
He might be fine,
back to normal.
Not with brain injuries.
They can completely
change your character.
I'm so sorry. I've been
looking for you everywhere.
I went to hospital
with Ian Gallagher.
I went to hospital
with Ian Gallagher.
We heard.
How is he?
He don't know if it's
Christmas or Crackerjack.
He don't know if it's
Christmas or Crackerjack.
Crackerjack!
Well?
What?
The scan.
I want to see a picture of the baby.
They didn't do it. Needs
two of you there. I'm tired
And what's wi' sawdust?
Terrible thing, amnesia.
Imagine not being able to
remember your loved ones,
or what kind of pies you like.
Easy! Stitches!
Sorry. I'm Mandy,
your brother's ex-partner,
mother of your niece.
And mate.
I'm gonna have to start
writing this down.
This is the kitchen.
And this is the kettle.
I know what stuff is.
Listen. I'm shattered
and I wouldn't mind a kip.
Of course, love.
Well, show him his room, then.
Get him some clothes. It's his memory
he's lost, not his fashion sense.
Get him some clothes. It's his memory
he's lost, not his fashion sense.
I've got some magazines to show you.
Not the ones with the animals.
Don't wanna confuse him.
Did the baby feed?
Not a drop.
Been upstairs a couple of hours.
I've checked on her, but
she's just lying there awake.
How 'bout her?
She's all right.
Or her?
Look, just give us a rest, will you?
Franny Gower?
Boiled his neighbour's parrot on
the stove. Said it were abusive.
Xavier O'Neill?
Cut his mother up in the bath.
What about old Aggie Palmer? Nobody's
ever had a bad word to say about her.
They kicked her out
the sheltered housing.
Turned out she never needed
that wheelchair.Fuck!
There must be somebody!
I mean good's a relative concept.
So if we could get her to be
more specific, or lower the number.
'Fine. One good person.
Not five. One.
'That's all you need to find and
you'll be up shit creek with that.'
Hey, language! No swearing before
you're six months. She's right.
What does "good" mean?
One person's good man
is another person's arsehole.
Look at Terry Waite. Moaning bastard.
'Tick, tock...'
It's not a game!
'Tick, tock, tick...'
Eh! Alexander the Great ruled half
of Asia by the time he was your age.
Stop wasting your mystical,
fucking talking baby
powers tormenting us!
What you doing?
New parenting
technique, all the rage.
Compare your baby to figures from
history. It helps them be achievers.
We're off out.
How are you feeling?
Live in the Dormobile out back.
Why?
Oh, this should be good.
Oh, hi.
MUSIC
Anyone there? Please let me out!
Let me out. It wasn't me.
You've got the wrong man.
Honestly, it wasn't me.
How d'you get on?
Fuck all.
What?
What?
You?
(SIGHS)
I know!
Old Harry. He ran the
Scouts and the Boys' Club.
Harry, Lollipop Man.Yeah.
OBE!
Would you like a sweetie?
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Thanks a fucking bunch, Harry.
You were my safe bet.
Hiya, Carl.
You all right?
You're popular.
Patsy Bell. Gave four of us a seeing
to last summer, behind the Reccy.
Not as popular as you.
You're a right shagger.
The girls round
here are totally into you.
Surprised you're not
a Dad ten times over.
Bollocks.
Lick it, you buy it. All right?!
Like her.
She was mad into you for ages.
Husband left cos of it.
Did we...?
Yeah, all the time.
Hiya, love. How's your head?
Cool.
Just getting back to myself.
Just gonna go for a walk.
Maybe once I'm back
on my feet,
we can... spend some
time together.
Whatever it is you've been
saying to him, pack it in!
What you doing?
Nothing.
Not cruising for company, are ya?
Not got an itch to scratch?
No.
You're a homo.
What?
A homosexual. A man
who fancies other men...
Yeah, I know what a homosexual is.
Well, that's you.
You're full of shit.
It's true!
You were one even before I was.
Well, before I admitted it.
So, how come I've
shagged all those women?
What women?
The one at the shop,
she were one of them.
I saw her a minute ago.
She was totally into me.
Who? Yvonne?
Who? Yvonne?
Yeah.
You never shagged her.
You shagged her husband.
You're sick.
You did!
And you loved him.
And his name was Kash.
Have you got a pink car?
Have you got a pink car?
You're remembering.
What you doing?
Taking in the air.
Has it all coming flooding back?
Not really.
A bit.
It's bizarre,
I keep getting this feeling,
I don't know if I'm happy
or if I'm not.
Nobody's happy.
It's only in retrospect,
looking back, you think
"Fuck, that was a good time."
So, how do I know if I'm doing
the right thing, with my life?
Do I look like Oprah?
Who?
Just follow your gut,
see where it takes you.
Is that what you did?
I have the face I deserve son,
make your own judgement.
What does that mean?
Fucked if I know.
You've got to show support.
I mean, Yvonne's great.
Never been any pressure
for me to convert or anything.
It's the least I can do.
And besides, it's got to stand
me in good stead, hasn't it?
Brownie points in the...
personal stakes.
What, sex?
No monkey business
during fasting, Stanley.
Didn't she tell ya?
It's about self-control, patience,
atonement for us faults and
misdeeds, cleansing your inner soul.
I gave up chocolate for Lent
16 years running, but no sex?
The whole point of being
in a relationship is that...
It'll be worth it, Stan,
you'll feel better about
yourself, and you'll have
earned it when it comes.
What?
The food, or the other?
Both.
At the same time?
What's the big mystery?
Did somebody die?
Just, er, sit down.
This is Caley Quigley,
she's an Aislingeach.
I'm sorry, I'm none the wiser.
A Dreamer, an Irish visionary.
She sees things other people can't.
Still don't get it.
She can tell us about the baby,
if he's healthy, and happy
and what sex he might be.
And all she'll have to do
is put her hands on your belly.
She will fucking not!
Wait,
Kel, come on this is important.
Her mother was an Aislingeach,
and her grandmother before that.
Caley has dreamt of every
child born into this family.
Her hands know my womb
better than I know it meself.
Please.
Fine.
Grope away.
Relax.
You'll probably feel
a wee tingling go through you,
but it's nothing
to be alarmed about.
It's very early in the pregnancy.
If I could just...
I see a boy.
A big, healthy, hairy, boy.
I knew it! >
The seed of my son is strong!
I am so tired me eyeballs feel like
they've been dipped in vinegar.
D'you think we're sick?
That's not easy to say.
Some people think you're
born with it, others think
that it's nurture over nature.
With you, being a dyke was more
lifestyle choice, wasn't it?
I'm not talking about Norma
and me,
I'm talking about us.
Our daughter's talking to us,
through some sort of baby telepathy.
I think it means
we are good parents.
I feel...
that I have a particularly
strong bond with her.
So, er, what's her middle name?
It's something weird, in't it?
Brian?
Mum, she's freaking me out,
she keeps staring all the time.
Iana.
Her middle name's Iana.
Think I prefer Brian.
Jamie, get yourself
into that dusky cellar,
and remove a crate
of your finest champagne
and none of your
sparkling wine shite.
What's the occasion?
It's a boy.
A healthy, bouncing, baby boy.
You're looking well on it.
How far gone are you?
Thirteen weeks.
Caley Quigley were over
and everything
is exactly as it should be.
Well, congratulations again, Debbie.
I, I better be going.
Nonsense, you're going nowhere.
Get yourself and this lovely
girlfriend of yours a drink on me.
In fact, drinks all round.
She's not my girlfriend.
Of course she is.
You've been seeing each other for...
For months. What are you doing?
Oh, my God.
Does everybody know?
It seems like it.
Well, this is a disaster.
You're only concerned with
what other people think.
We've only been going
out a few months.
It should be young
and carefree and fun.
It is fun.
When was the last time you
surprised me, did something wild?
I do wild things.
No, you don't.
You act like you're...
old.
VOICE OVER THE RADIO
I have to go.
Thanks, doctor.
That was about as useful
as an echo in a coffin.
He says there's nothing
physically wrong with her.
We could always take her to casualty.
What, on a weekend,
in the Chatsworth?
She's really still.
Her eyes don't even
follow you when you move.
'You couldn't find one, could ya?
'Not one good person
on this whole estate.'
We're still trying.
'Don't waste your time. I'll
be gone, and we can all move on.'
Why don't you have a little milk
and then a nap, and we can
carry on looking tomorrow?
Why are you saying stuff to her?
We're communicating, son.
Just...just listen.
'It's nothing personal, you know?
I don't hate you. It's just...
'I'd hoped for more.'
Will you try, baby?
Talk to us, sweetheart.
Whatever it is...
..I promise too.
Anything?
I'm sorry if I hurt ya.
It were a long time ago.
And you were... you are a good lad.
Weren't down to you.
Doesn't look like
the venue for the high point
in anybody's life though.
Were it?
I can remember it.
Ian,
stop reminiscing and come with me.
Shane got the licence plate.
Couple of phone calls.
Present from the family.
What am I supposed to do with them?
Anything,they tried to kill you.
Which one first?
Left or right?
What?
You know, eeny-meeny-miney-moe.
No.
I can do 'em, if it bothers you?
Me Dad and Shane normally
do this sort of stuff,
but how hard can it be?
No, I mean...
I might not know who I am,
but I know I'd rather
fuck them than chop 'em up.
What?
Is this what my life's been like?
Sneaking around,
scared to tell anyone I'm gay,
but happy to
get involved in murder?
No, not the murder bit.
We mainly keep that in the family.
I don't want this, Micky.
Why would I want to remember this?
But they're hoodlums.
Not them, everything.
All of it.
My whole fucking so-called life.
Ian!
Hello?
Please, baby, please.
You're mother's in there throwing up
rings round herself with worry.
We'll try, we will try.
I mean we've been trying...
Please, please, please...
♪ Don't go breaking my heart
♪ I won't go breaking your heart
♪ Don't go breaking my heart
♪ I won't go breaking your heart... ♪
If I could have your attention.
Sorry for interrupting
your drinking,
but I'd like you to join me
in extending your best wishes
to the Birthday Girl...
and my girlfriend, Debbie Gallagher.
CHEERING
Time to open the gifts, I think...
me first.
For fuck's sake, hurry up!
Go on.
It's a key to our flat.
I put down a deposit this evening.
Who says I can't be wild, eh?
Say something.
I don't want to live with you, Tom.
Debbie, wait!
What do you mean
you don't want to live with me?
What made you think I would?
Well, you love me, don't you?
Of course I do.
But I'm not ready for that
commitment.
How am I supposed to know
what you want, Debbie?
You know, do something wild,
surprise me, you said.
Yeah, but not like this.
Then like what?
It's like dealing
with a child sometimes.
I don't, I don't mean that.
Well, I do...
A bit.
You want to be wild and carefree
and passionate and unpredictable,
fine.
But I've got a job
and concerns and responsibilities.
Now you can laugh at me for
trying to get us off on a respectable
footing with the people who live
round here, but one of us has to.
I'm 16.
I don't care about
being respectable.
Well, I do.
I've never had it.
I never grew up with a family.
You want to wing it
and be a teenager, I don't.
I've been there, and truth be told,
I didn't really enjoy it
the first time round.
So, what do we do?
I don't think I even have to say it.
No, don't follow me.
Come wi' me.
Since when did you turn into
an international man o' mystery?
I don't know if I can take
any more surprises, Shane.
Come on.
Jamie!
This is why all the sawdust.
Inside of my mouth's been like
a butcher's floor
for the past few days.
Da-da.
I wanted to build him one meself,
before anybody bought him one.
It needs a...
I'm not pregnant, Shane.
It's a pseudocyesis,
a phantom pregnancy...
like hysterics get.
What about the dream?
She must have been dreaming about
somebody else. I had the scan, Shane.
Here's the baby.
It's non existent, Shane.
It's an empty fucking space.
Seems I'm having some kind
of breakdown.
I either want a baby too much,
or I don't want one at all,
they can't tell me.
All they do know is,
my fucking stupid body made it up,
so I'm sorry, but I can't give you
a son, or a daughter, or anything.
No, don't touch me.
Mum.
(SOBS)
How you doing?
You shouldn't be going
steady at your age, any road.
At least not with someone who's
old enough to be your grandfather.
I just feel so stupid,
getting so teary over a boy.
You're the one with real problems.
getting so teary over a boy.
You're the one with real problems.
Cheers.
You know what I mean.
I'm remembering stuff.
Well, some stuff.
And...?
I can't believe that's all there is,
that I've settled for what I've got.
You haven't settled.
Everyone thinks
the sun shines out your arse.
Not about what other
people think, though, is it?
Carl's right.
No, he's not!
About the gay thing.
About it being a second chance.
I've got to make changes, Debs.
Get shot of the carrots, Ches.
After sundown, all bets are off.
What have you got?
What have I not got. Must have
nearly every dish on Ashoka's menu.
Have you really had nothing to
eat or drink, sunrise to sunset?
Two days now. I'm really
starting to feel the benefit.
Didn't think you were up to it.
I can understand supporting us
during Ramadan, but Sawm's voluntary.
That's going the extra mile.
Voluntary?
Sawm is voluntary.
Not compulsory, voluntary.
Yeah, I know.
Chicken jalfrezi and a lamb bhuna.
Get upstairs.
But...Now!
Mum?
Debbie!
Please, we have to talk.
Debbie!
Oi, I've got a baby
sleeping in there, or not sleeping.
She's still in there.
I want to talk to her.
That's a woman's prerogative, son.
Lesson number one.
That's a woman's prerogative, son.
Lesson number one.
I said, I want to talk to her!
Agh!
What did you do that for?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just...
Because you picked the wrong night.
There's been enough crying
round here. I'm not having it.
I've got a gun.
Yeah, and I don't give
a monkey's fart if you use it.
I've got a wife and a daughter
in there, both of whom are going to
need scraping off the floor later.
So go on, do your worst.
Fine.
I'll use it on myself.
Dad?
Go inside, Carl.
You don't understand.
I can't make you out,
you've got the...
I can't make you out,
you've got the...
You don't understand. I love her.
I've got nine kids
by two different women,
both of whom are beautifully demented
in their own unique manner.
You think I haven't shed tears?
We could have made it
if it wasn't for everybody else.
We could have made it
if it wasn't for everybody else.
There's always someone to blame.
I'll tell you something
I do know, though.
When it goes bad,
no matter how hard you try,
you'll never get it back again.
Never!
So just gather yourself up,
and move on.
I'd rather die.
Then, think on this, Constable.
That is my daughter in there,
and if you ruin her life
by blowing your charming,
but deeply flawed, Celtic brains
all over my back yard,
I will piss on your grave
each and every fucking day.
That I promise ya.
Don't be a daftie, give me that.
Is everything all right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Think there's a lad could
do with an escort home, Stan.
Of course.
I'll just get dressed.
Come in, Tom.
Oh, how...?
I don't know.
She wouldn't stop crying,
and I didn't know what else to do,
and she hasn't come up for air.
Oh.
So what's the story, morning glory?
I'm proud of ya, Dad.
I baptise you
Stella Iana Princess Gallagher,
in the name of the Father
and the Son and the Holy Ghost.
Amen.
Thought you might want these.
Only if you two will be godparents.
Only if you two will be godparents.
Can I be the bloke?
I don't mind.
Do you promise to shower this child
with a rainbow of love,
and sprinkle on her head
the star-dust of each wondrous day?
(BOTH) We do.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm going away for a bit.
You haven't had your stitches out.
They're dissolving ones.
It'll be fine.
They're dissolving ones.
It'll be fine.
Where are you going?
I don't know yet.
I've got some money in the bank,
or so the statement says.
I'll see where I end up.
Do you hate us?
Do you hate us?
God, no. I love ya.
It's just remembering stuff
you'd forgotten about yourself.
It's exciting,
but it's disappointing, too.
And I don't want disappointments.
Will you write to us?
I'll phone you. It's not the
18th-fucking-century.
Shouldn't you tell the rest of them?
Shouldn't you tell the rest of them?
You tell them for me.
They've had a rough few days.
But you'll come back?
Course I will.
You fucking better.
Oi! Just cos you're 16,
don't mean you can swear.
So maybe the tabloids are wrong
and we, yes, we are not all so bad.
So what if we wear our hearts
and our appetites on our sleeves?
Who's to judge? You?
Life shouldn't be bland.
You get one shot.
Life should be devoured
like the feast that it is.
Keith Richards on a bender,
and that's why I'm sticking around.