Shameless (2004–2013): Season 5, Episode 1 - Episode #5.1 - full transcript

Tickets this way
for the Chatsworth Express!

Come and watch pikeys making a mess

of the lives they were given by
'im upstairs...

And kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.

Wicked!

Piss off!

What sounds on Earth
could ever replace

kids needing money
or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon -
me included -

is why pubs and drugs

were kindly invented...



To calm us all down
and stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.

We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes...

You sit on our head,

but... you pay the taxes.

CHEERING

Imagine Britain
without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face
for the price of a beer, eh?

Eh!

Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now!

CHUCKLES

Scatter! Party!

You know it makes sense.



You might be beyond the help of
beauty sleep, Frank, but I'm not.

Hey,

inner beauty
is the measure of the man.

I earned this face.

Oooh, eggy-peggy.

'Oh, what a rogue
and peasant slave am I!

'Is it not monstrous that this
player here, but in fiction,

'in a dream of passion, could force
his soul so to his own conceit?

'He would drown the stage with tears
and cleave the general ear

'with horrid speech.'

< Go on, fuck off.

Oh, what fucking price beauty.

< Fuck off, Frank.

'Make mad the guilty
and appal the free.

'Confound the ignorant,

'and amaze indeed the very faculties
of eyes and ears.

'Yet, am I, Vernon Francis Gallagher,
a rogue and peasant slave?

'Did I say nothing for my cause?

'What was my cause?

'What nature of man have I been? '

GRUNTS, CAR ALARM BLARES

'Fucking Shakespeare.

'What a cunt.'

(Debbie) Come on, read it!

In the government of which country

did Canaan Banana
serve in the 1970's and 80's?

Banana?
That's not a real name - false.

It's not a true or false question.

- All right, true, then.
- You need to name the country.

I'm not bothered, Debbie.

(Both) lan!

I'm gonna turn it down.

We're playing a game!
What's the answer, Liam?

Zim... Zim...

Zimbabwe. Your turn, Carl.

Five. One, two, three, four, five.
I'm in the centre!

Can I read it?

(Both) No!

After which Italian explorer
is the USA named?

It's Amerigo Vespucci.

Shut up!

They teach you that at uni?

Yeah, how you doing?

Amerigo Vespucci.

Hello, mate. High five.

Amerigo Vespucci.

He told you, game abandoned.

- How did you get here?
- Hitched. Took me fucking eight hours.

Do you want a cuppa,
Prodigal Son or something stronger?

- I'd love one.
- Spots have cleared up.

Oh, thanks, Mum! Hello, baby.

It's not fair.

(Lip) I've missed you too.

I've never won before.

Shut up.

(Lip) Twinkle, twinkle...

Wave. Wave to Mummy.

Clever girl!

When did she learn that?

A few weeks ago.

Feel like I'm missing
out on everything.

Don't be daft. Can't be two places
at once, can you?

Besides, she's a total Daddy's girl.

KNOCKING

What?

You're not at uni now,
you lazy student ligger.

It's hardly a lie-in, is it?

- I thought you wanted to pick up a shift.
- I do.

- Ten minutes.
- Nice one.

This is brilliant.
How much'd it cost in the shops?

A lot more than what I paid for it.

If you're gonna have a wank,
at least lock the door.

I weren't wanking.

You're sick.

I'm not. Debs, wait.

Out the way.

- I weren't wanking, I were...
- What?

I... I were praying.

- At least make it believable.
- I was!

I haven't had my end away
since Meena.

I've got bollocks like footballs.

You think Jesus
is gonna help you get some girl

on her back, thinking of England?

I don't want her to think of England.

I know what you want

and praying isn't going to get it yer.

How not?

- See you for lunch.
- Come on, we'll be late.

Quite the little Anthea Turner
these days, aren't you?

We're not letting Granny get
under our skin today, are we, Katie?

You tell her, not today, Granny.

I'm too young to be called Granny.

Say "Monica". Monica.

< Monica.

Why won't God help me?

Mainly cos he doesn't exist.

No blaspheming in front
of the children, Debbie.

I'm an atheist.

(Carl) People have miracles.
Saw it on a documentary.

A bloke were crippled, got dipped in
a Grotty, then he could walk again.

In a "Grotty"?

Maybe an agnostic. Haven't decided yet.

Religion's just superstition, left
over from when we lived in caves.

I mean, we didn't know how
the sun rises in the morning,

and the crops grow in the summer.

It's just a way of explaining
things that we don't comprehend.

That has been blocked for two months.

Four times you've done that.

It's early. I forgot!
And there's no fucking milk!

Cleverer people than you
believe in God, Debbie.

- Where did you read that? Heat or OK?
- Come on.

It's not my fault we live in
a celebrity-obsessed culture.

COUGHS

COUGHS

Get off! Aaaarrghhh!

- Is everything all right?
- No, everything is not all right.

I just woke up with this sheet
on me head, and I know for a fact

I did not join
the fucking Ku Klux Klan.

Your breath was causing
other patients to feel nauseous.

Oh, distracting them
from the MRSA, was it?

Keep your voice down, please.

What, waking the dead, are we?

COUGHS

Hello, anybody home?

Hey, if you see a bright light,
walk towards it.

More than I can do.

Jesus wept.

Oh, my...!

It looks like a black pudding.

Hey, I don't think so,
Harold fuckin' Shipman.

What's all...

What's this... What does NFA mean?

Notify Family Afterwards.

After what?

We did some tests
when you were under.

Right.

You're suffering
from aortic stenosis.

When it's at home, love.

There's an obstruction
to your aortic valve.

Not enough blood
getting to your heart.

So, what, it's like
a pill or something?

No pill, Mr, er...

Gallagher. Frank Gallagher.

No operation.

This is a terminal diagnosis.

Truth is, if you make it to the weekend,
it'll be a minor miracle.

The weekend?

Fucking hell, you're having a...
Come on, it's gotta be...

Don't you dare die.

I'm alive!

Pathetic!

- Dad!
- He's just pissed.

He's not breathing.

I'm dying.

Pack it in. I can't concentrate.

I'm nearly finished. I'm just...

It's not you, it's him.

Hey, relax. I was just
fixing a pipe, when I, er...

saw an opening.

This is a place of work.

(Jamie) We're just trying
to keep our record up.

What record?

They've had a shag at least once
every day since they've been married.

It's like a chain letter.

You break the sequence
and you're jinxed.

Nice one.

All right, Dad.

A pint and four Es.

Not open for another ten minutes.

Oh, not today, oh, Lord! Not today!

Do not abuse the minuscule authority
you possess. Not today.

OK, keep your hair on.

Oh!

Thank you.

What's wrong with you, Dad?

My mortality
is weighing heavily, son...

...like an albatross around me...

legs.

Don't give him any more Es.

Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry.

Third time you've
been late this week.

It's me nieces,
they keep me up all hours.

I don't give a shit
what your excuse is.

I'm not paying for a cleaner
who's never here.

You're not the fuckin' boss of me.

I'm not hoovering it tomorrow.

What d'you mean,
you're not paying for a cleaner?

Who d'you think's running the gaff,

since Carol fucked off
with two months' takings?

So muggins here has been left
holding the shit-bucket.

Sorry I asked.

Now, where were we?

Sorry. I've lost me erection.

lan, hoover doesn't go here.

GROANS AND GRUNTS

Fucking hell! What do you
want, you creepy little twat?

Who are you?

I'm Frank Gallagher.

Don't you recognise me?

Burn, baby, burn, disco inferno...

What?!

All right, Frank.

He can't see me.
Only you can, cos you're dying.

You've got a guilty conscience.

Can you see him?

Who?

Him. Fucking refugee
from the Partridge Family.

You're a fucking walking advert
for abstinence, you are, Frank.

Guilty conscience about what?

You what?

About wasting your life.

You're pissing on your shoes.

Oh, fuck,
I can't feel a fucking thing. Oh!

Oh...

I'm looking for Phil.

Wrong house.

Phil Gallagher?

No. I am not interested.

I've got enough on my mind
as it is without being stalked

by the ghost
of Christmas fucking past.

And what are you wearing?
Looks like a sofa cover.

You're counting, aren't you?

What?

If you can make it to the end of the
week, you're counting how much beer

and how many pills you can
get down your neck before you die.

Well, what else am I supposed to do?

I'm facing the fucking celestial
firing squad here.

If you expect me to get on my knees.
"Excuse me, God, now I'm going

"to pop my clogs, if you wouldn't mind
wiping the slate clean."

I've got some dignity, you know.

Life's a precious gift.

Most people
try and do something with it.

What have you done?

Hey, I have done...

...plenty.

I could've done things,
been someone.

Instead of which, I became you.

What's the point of you?

What are you doing here?

You told me you were an orphan.

Who's this?

This is Alex, Phil's girlfriend

from uni.

Who's Phil?

Fuck!

Shit!

Fuck.

Are you with him?

I've got a right to the truth...

I've come here
all the way from Brighton.

Was he expecting you?

Well, no.
I've got a domestic situation,

and I needed some support
from my boyfriend.

Upstairs.

She's a nutter.
I saw her once, twice at most...

Three months, she says, since
the fourth day of Freshers' Week.

- What?
- Think she stood silent

while you ran off
to find your backbone?!

What other lies have you told?

Did you use condoms?

Yeah... She's not pregnant, is she?
She told me she were on the pill.

If she is up the duff,
she hasn't mentioned it.

My concern is more diseases,
since you shagged me last night,

and you've been riding
bareback with her.

Jesus Christ, Lip,
it's not rocket science.

I know. I'm sorry.

Four simple rules.

Always use condoms, never get involved,
neither of us finds out who

the other one's shagging,
and it never impacts on our home.

It were your idea.

I need to talk to Phil.

You'll get your turn. Fuck off!

The whole point
of an open relationship

is to protect what we've got.

Not completely forget about it.

I know, I made a mistake.

Fucking right, you did.
And you're going to sort it.

Last thing...

I want it noted that you've
never found out about mine.

Lillian?

Lillian?

Hello, love.

I thought I'd pop round.
Look, I'm sorry

I flew off the handle a bit earlier.

If anyone's apologising, it's me.
Don't get me sleep, I'm like a bear

with a sore arse.

- What are you doing?
- Catching up on some domestics.

It's like a Chinese laundry
in here with the girls.

Thanks, Victor, love.
See you next week, all right.

These girls aren't really
your nieces, are they, Lillian?

Not by blood, but
they like to call me "Auntie".

They've had their problems,
bless 'em, living on the street as such,

D-R-U-G-S.
But I'm looking after them now.

Ta-ra, Mike!

Right.

This can't be right,
it's Lillian's house.

We've got a nosy neighbour
keeping a log, taking photos,

17 men in 24 hours.

Who'd have thought it?
Madam Sin.

It's a competitive market these days,

with the Eastern European girls
offering more for less.

(Carrie) We'll have to raid her.

- No!
- We've got no choice.

Don't see how we have to shift,
it's our house.

(Debbie) Cos they need privacy to talk.

The bedroom probably isn't the most
appropriate venue, considering.

You an' all, Monica.

I thought you might need
a mature head.

If you know any,
be sure and let us know.

Frank, I think you should hear this.

No, no, no! It's all just
tomorrow's chip paper.

I'd better go and see
what's bothering your dad.

I thought your dad died in Bosnia.

Oh... >

Frank?
What are you looking for?

Wedding photograph.

There. There, see, wedding day.

I was there, I made an impact
on that day, didn't I?

Mmm, but you were unconscious
in that one so we had to prop you up.

Fiona, birth of my first-born,
that has to count, ain't it?

Mmm, except you're not in that one,

cos you disappeared
to wet the baby's head... for four days.

Oh, fucking hell. >

Mon, Mon, I need you to tell me,
have I been a good man?

You know, made a contribution?

Of course you have, love.

Well, how? Show me evidence.

Look, what's brought all this on?

I'm dying, Mon.

I took a piss on a generator...

...and me cock got burnt,
and I went to hospital, and...

and... and...
SOBS

...and they said I've got...

...stenography of the heart.

All right, all right.
Come on, calm down.

Calm down!

SOBS QUIETLY

Tell me all about it.

We have an open relationship,

he can see other people,
and so can I.

Cardinal rule is,
you don't get involved.

So, I was just a fling, was I? >

What happened to
going travelling together,

and, "Do you believe in soul mates"?

Is no-one in this fucking world
who they appear to be?!

I was woken up at 5.30am,
by the police arresting my mum and dad,

they've been running
a time-share scam in Turkey.

Have you any idea what it's like
to have criminals for parents?

I thought at least
you were there for me.

She said... She said I'll be lucky
to make it beyond the weekend.

Oh, don't be silly,
you're just confused.

You had a lot to drink last night,
that's all...

No! Mon, my head
has never been clearer.

And I need to know,

I mean, what is my legacy?

Well...

Well, I suppose you could say, um...

Go on!

Jesus, Frank, it's not easy.

You're an alcoholic. You've never put
a penny in the family pot.

You've as much chance of being
elected Prime Minister

as naming any of your
eight children's birthdays.

Well, thank you very fucking much
for your support!

Oh, Frank, don't spit the dummy out,
nobody looks to you for achievements,

you're not an achievement
kind of a bloke!

So, who made heaven and earth, then?

Well, for a start,
there is no heaven.

The earth started with the Big Bang.

So, what happens when you die,
smartarse?

Nothing, you just die.

Remember, Man, thou art dust,
and into dust thou shalt return.

- Dad, tell her, sure there's a God.
- What?

God. Does He, She or It exist?

Carl wants to know
if divine intervention

can help him get his end away.

In the dark of night...

...every atheist half-believes, Debs.

So if I come back to haunt you,

you'll know for sure.

What kind of answer's that?

I knew nothing about you,

or the little girl.

As far as I was aware,

he was an orphan, who brought
himself up from the age of 14.

(Lip) It was a white lie
that got out of hand,

it wasn't meant to go this far.

What wasn't? The lie, or our relationship?

Both.

I think you're stretching it a bit
to call it a relationship.

No, no, no, no, no!

Don't stop on my account.

It's like being a prisoner
in your own home!

SIGHS HEAVILY

It seems you've got a choice to make.

Oh, well, I'll help. >

Cos I can't kick the dust of this
place off my shoes quick enough.

I'm having a brew.

I'm really sorry...

What's your happiest memory of me?

Bloody hell, Dad,
what you lurking for?

Just tell me, daughter to father,
best birthday party?

Favourite day out?

I never had a birthday party, and
you were always wasted on days...

Well, there was that time when...

Yeah, go on.

When we went to court
to see you being bound over.

I wanted to be a lawyer
for ages after that.

And that's it?

Well... I could make something up,
if you want.

Et tu, Debbie?

Et tu?

You ate two what?

Dad?

All right?

Did I hurt you?

No.

Yeah. It stings like fuck.

So does my wrist.

What's your plan?

Haven't got one.

Look, I'm really sorry about...

I don't care about the stupid lies
you've told about your family.

I just need to know one thing.

Stuff you said when it was
just you and me, the pillow talk.

Did you mean it?

Of course I did.

Then I don't understand.

Neither do I.

I'll sort it out when I get
back to Nottingham, yeah?

No, Phil, it's not good enough.

I have to go to work.

- What?
- I've got a shift at the pub.

I can't just not go.

I'll see you at uni.

Nobody would give a good account of you.

If anything,
you've had a negative impact.

(Mocking) "If anything,
you've had a negative impact!"

What you doing?

What you doing?

- Looking for evidence.
- Evidence of what?

Of why you're here,
and why you're haunting me,

like Casper the fucking
less than friendly previous self.

You know why.

No, I do not.

All right, so I've contributed
slightly less than Einstein

and slightly more than Fred West
to the human condition, so what?

Who the fuck are you to criticise?

Oh!

See! Hey?
I was hardly a little angel, was I?

Already well acquainted with Lady Palm
and her five fucking sisters.

So what,
I never said I was an angel.

Then what do you want?

What else happened when you were 12?

I don't know.

Malcolm Allison
became City manager.

Rodney Marsh shagged a model.

- Closer to home.
- I don't know.

Well, they cancelled my birthday
because...

...Mum died.

You promised you'd make her proud.

How could I make her proud
with him as me old man?

< You'll see her soon enough.

< Tell her yourself
about the man you became.

< That is, if you make it up there.

What, heaven?

< Confession's good for the soul,
especially if the Day of Judgement

< is fast approaching.

But... But I can't go to chapel.
I'm barred.

< Who needs a priest?

< With a soul as black as yours,
you'd better get started.

< And remember...

(Both Frank and boy's voices)
God sees everything, Frank.

Hello, Dennis?

Listen, remember that party,

when somebody put the chip pan on
and the house burnt down?

Right. Anyhow, it was me.

Hello, is that Emma?
Hi, it's Frank Gallagher here.

It was me. Remember that party...

...when you shagged that builder,

and your old fella cottoned on
and turfed you out?

Rickets?
Hi, it's Frank Gallagher here.

It was me. It was me. It was me.

Yeah. Yes, I know I'm a cunt,
but I just thought you should know.

Hello, Dennis? Frank again.
I forgot to say...

- Who were you talking to?
- Nobody, it was the wrong number.

- Oh, look at you. You're all sweaty.
- No, I haven't got time for this, Mon.

Isn't that Lip's?

Yeah, well, he'll get
it back soon enough.

Frank?

I probably didn't tell you enough, Monica,

but I love you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, where's this pub
your brother's working at?

Just over there.

So, are you gonna
buy me a drink then?

I'll give you the money.

Come on, Mrs Maguire.

I am claiming my conjugal rights.

I'm busy.

Oh, come on, it doesn't have to be
a Doctor Zhivago or anything.

A quickie'll do.

Well, that's tempting.

Meet you upstairs in five.

You're having a fucking laugh!

Karen?

Can I have a word?

Are you mental?

Open relationships are never equal!

What was the alternative?

Him tripping over himself, trying
to remember which lie he's told?

When he goes back to uni,
if it's not this one,

it'll be somebody else.

We're holding him back.

I just hope you've been getting some
to even out the score.

Fucking annoying thing is...

...I love him, Karen.

Hey!

By the time you view this,

I will be dead.

I've led a full life -

or perhaps a fool's life -

I'll let history be the judge.

But I leave you
the proud father of six...

...the proud father of eight.

So...

Lip, you were a gobby little shite,

always had too much
to say for yourself.

So you should know that I've had
a lickle piss in every bottle of pop

you've left in the fridge since 1997.

lan...

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

Speaking.

He's not here at the moment.

Between the ages of three and four,

I regularly gave Liam
a couple of downers,

so he would shut the fuck up.

I dropped Carl on his head
when he was a baby.

...And then they fucking haul you in
for indecent exposure.

I still don't see
what's indecent about it,

cos if they all had Alzheimer's,
how would they know any different?

If there's something wrong with him,
you better fucking tell...

And finally, something
I've always guarded with my life.

- Where you going?
- I need to find your dad.

That's it.

The end.

How did I wind up here?

You were always gonna wind up here.

Christ! I've never been before.

- He wouldn't let me go to her funeral.
- I know.

- Which one is it?
- You'll find it.

MUSIC PLAYS

Heaven

Must be missing an angel

Missing one angel, child

Cos you're here with me right now...

And remember, folks,
all proceeds go to Cancer Research.

Wish you had it, you tosser.

MUSIC RESTARTS

Fancy a shag?

...Heaven

Must be missing an angel

Missing one angel, child

Cos you're here
with me right now...

Have you been crying?

Have I fuck!

Who was it, Mandy?

What?

The bloke you shagged.
Somebody in here?

It's only fair, you know about mine.

You're such a prick.

- All right, Mandy.
- Hiya.

Maybe it was him. He's fit.

Hung like a donkey, by all accounts.

Fuck you!

It's the blokes who are the criminals.

Girls on the game,
they've got no choice.

But the men...

Scum.

I wonder why
they call it "the game"?

I should know. I've been there.

- Somebody paid you for sex?
- It's all about self-esteem.

Girls need a helping hand,
not prosecution.

Somebody paid you for sex?

I'm sorry.

Do you think that's
entirely appropriate?

Oh, get off your high horse!

Some of the fondest memories
I have of her

is her with an ale in her hand.

I think she would have approved.

Need to find an envelope for this.

Zooml

Just one look,
and my heart went boom

Suddenly, we were on the...

A pint and two Es.

- There you go, Frank.
- I'll get those.

Darling, I've been looking
for you everywhere.

The hospital phoned, and...

I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
I'm so sorry!

You can't leave me, Frank.

I don't know what
I'll do without you.

Oh, for fuck's sake,
get it over with.

Well, if you're sure...

Go!

What's up with her now?

(Frank) Love will find a way.

Don't worry.

Where's my bag?

Where's my bag?!

What are you talking about?

My bag! It was...

It was right there.

How could anyone have nicked it?
It must have weighed a tonne!

You left your bag by the door?

Take it easy, it's only stuff.

I don't think this is a good idea.

Listen.
I've had the shittiest day of my life.

It doesn't matter.

What's important is this.

I don't care what lies you told, OK?
I love you.

It's past time you left.

No, I want you to hear this.
I want Phil to come back with me.

He doesn't belong here.

Phil?

I'm staying here.

Well, you don't have to decide now.

I thought I should be up front.

Very noble.

We need to be friends.

If this works out,

I could be partly responsible
for bringing up your daughter.

Ah!

Mandy!

My ear!

She bit my ear!

Do what you want with him,
you fucking bitch,

but don't you dare
bring my daughter into this!

- Mandy!
- Bitch!

Mandy, please! Don't!

Go on, Mandy!

Get it to her!

You fucking what?

What you looking at?

Get off me, Shane!

Come on, where are you,
you little bastard?

Come on, show yourself!

Oi!

What's more alive than this, eh?

Gallaghers,
fighting for the family honour!

Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

This is my legacy!

You've got your hands on my tits!

I know.

And they all come from here!

Oh, me cock!

Party!

Fucking hell! I haven't even
taken any poppers,

- and I can hear all sorts of shit.
- Me an' all!

Oh, fuck! Oh!

BIRDS SINGING

Fucking hell.

'I've got no shadow! '

That's cos you're dead.
You've got no physical form.

What?

You died last night.

But...

I feel normal.

So do I.

Don't mean I'm real.

Oh, God. So, what happens now?

How do I know if it's the Pearly Gates,
or eternal damnation?

How should I know?
I haven't died yet.

I'm just a figment
of your imagination.

- Who's that?
- Big Dennis.

Hello, Dennis.

Torchy, we called him,
after the fire.

Thank fuck he can't see me.

GRUNTS

- You said I had no physical form.
- What do I know?

Who the fuck are you talking to?

Oh, oh, fuck.

Told yer. There is a God!

Is that it?

Don't be silly.

You should be ashamed of yourself.
You're exploiting women.

They'd be on the streets otherwise.

What's this?

It's for running the cards through.
Yvonne sold it me wi' carbon,

100 quid. I'm rubbish with cash.

It's all Chip and PIN these days, Lillian.
Banks don't use this any more.

So, you haven't made
one penny profit.

- Which means she hasn't committed a crime.
- What?!

What about the other evidence?

What about the neighbours' photos,
the log?

Without any proof to back it up,
it's just hearsay.

GIRLS LAUGHING

Result being, though,
you lot haven't made no money.

How are you feeling?

I don't know.

Mandy, listen.

I'm so sorry.

I lost sight.

Uni's full of kids wi' no worries,

free to do whatever they want...

...and I forgot what's important.

You and Katie are what's important.

We'll knock the open relationship
on the head.

I'm gonna quit uni and get a job,
stay here.

Will you fuck! You'll go back.

I'm not having you use me
as an excuse for failing.

You know I love you, don't you?

Of course I do.

Good.

Cos that's why we're finished.

No, Mandy,
I couldn't give a toss about Alex.

I know, but that's not the point.

If it's not her,
it'll be somebody else.

No, it won't, I promise.

It will, Lip. I know for a fact.

You could have slept with 20 girls
over that three months,

but you didn't, you stuck with one.

- I was stupid.
- Just listen to me.

It's not about jealousy or blame,

it's about what you want.

And in your fantasy...

...there is no me, and there's no Katie.
- That's not true.

How many people at uni know
you've got a daughter?

Your life's out there now.

Alex was right.

You don't belong here any more.

Go back to uni,

till Easter.

You can visit Katie then.

She'll always be your daughter.

You need to go.

Mandy, please. Don't...

Mandy, please. Mandy.

Fuck's sake.

Hiya, Mon.

Have you any idea about the worry

that you have put me through
these last 24 hours?

- You're good to go.
- You? What about me?

A death sentence, followed by
an unprovoked and savage assault.

Well, I hope it's knocked
some sense into you.

Wait... Just... No... The doctor...
The doctor said...

There is nothing wrong
with your heart.

They've been running
tests all morning.

It's not... But they phoned you.

My mistake. They weren't calling
about your dicky ticker.

They were calling
about your dicky cock!

Cooling cream, to stop your
little man from going all scabby.

Hey, aortic fucking stenosis!

My heart is stronger than Popeye
in a spinach factory.

What medical school did you go to?

You are going to have a malpractice suit
so far up your...

I'm not a doctor. I never said I was.

What?!

I came to see if you were all right,
and you just assumed.

Bollocks.

What about Notify Family Afterwards?

As far as I know,
NFA means No Fixed Abode.

You were in such a state when
you came in, they could hardly

get a name out of you,
let alone an address.

Fuck!

So, you know, what's your fucking game,
hanging about hospitals

trying to scare the living shit out
of everybody?

"Waking the dead. If you see
a bright light, walk towards it."

That was my husband you were heckling.

Why should I
have shown you any courtesy?

Well, there's a difference

between courtesy and telling a body
that they're gonna die.

I was tending to my husband
when you woke up.

So, what's wrong with him?

He has aortic stenosis.

So he's dying?

All right, mate.

Hey, I know exactly what
you're going through.

I tell you there's
fuck all to worry about.

Yeah?

'So what if I never peaked?

'I was here. I've lived.

'Am I a rogue and peasant slave?

'A muddy-mettled rascal?
Who gives a shit?

'What did fucking Shakespeare know?

'He never even wrote
most of them plays.

'So what, if I'm not an astronaut,
or a Prime Minister,

'or a football player?
I am Vernon Francis Gallagher.

'I came, I saw,
I drank the fucking lot.'

(Frank) And finally,
something I've always guarded with me life

and, I hope, won't sully your memory of me.

Monica, at your 21st birthday party,
when you were passed out on the coats,

I shagged your mother, God rest her soul.

I was wasted, but she wasn't - dirty cow.

Anyhow, the upshot is,
you know that surprise late baby

that your mam and dad never planned?

Your little sister?

Well, technically,
she's also your stepdaughter.

The end.