Shameless (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 5 - Own Your Shit - full transcript

Look, I have Frank and
Monica as parents,

even I know how to show up
and turn on a fuckin' TV.

What the fuck happened to you?

First of the month. Pony up.

Fiona's gonna kick me out
unless I can pull my weight.

Find husband.

- Where's Derek?
- You scared him.

He doesn't want to have a baby.

I've had a hell of a day.

We haven't really spoken in weeks.

You're busy. No time for me and my shit.

Military school changed my life.

Fiona, I want to go to military school.

You serious?

Svetlana's been going over

our bills and income from the bar.

Our yield on gross revenues are shit.

You know that the woman
who owns this place

dropped out of high school,

and now she owns, like,
half the South Side?

I'm packing, dummy.

Fuck, you brought a gun in here?

No, I am trans man.

So you don't have a dick?

Tinder rocks... Free
sex anytime I want it,

no strings attached.

Welcome, new Gallaghers.

Home sweet homeless shelter.

All in favor of preserving the shelter?

One local hero has
decided to take a stand.

- Uh, who are you?
- Dylan Oswald.

Your new boss.

You knew that you were hooking me up

with a shady business?

Is it a crime to rip people off

who are ripping other people off?

♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪

♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪

♪ You were beaming once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

♪ Round up the friends you got ♪

♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪

♪ You were willing once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

Hey.

Hey.

Shit, what time is it?

It's still early.

Oh.

Um, sorry for crashing overnight.

It's all good.

I got to jump in the shower and
get ready for work, though.

Oh, so should I wait?

Or, you know, I could join you.

Everybody's gonna be up soon.

Better if you're not still here.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay.

I don't like a lot of
casual guys hanging around.

It confuses Lucas.

Yeah. No, I-I get that.

I'll see you at the diner later?

Yeah, after my intern gig.

It's the first day back
after the Feds busted us,

so I have no idea what I'm walking into.

Sounds fun.

- What the hell?
- Mm, sugar...

either I'm still high,
or we got company.

What're you doing there, amigo?

- Checking the roof, pendejo.
- Oh, no.

Wait.

Wait.

Oh, God.

Are they throwing us out again?

- Mr. Gallagher?
- No.

Maybe.

I'm Elena Torres

from the Make A Nest
nonprofit on Troy Street.

Your news coverage has
been making quite a stir

in the social-services community.

It has?

We've got some good news
concerning your housing crisis.

You... you, uh...

Here. Uh, Jesus.

Oh, come on, hey, hey.

G-get a room, you two.

Uh, sit, sit.

I-I, uh... Yeah, I-I'll stand.

- Yeah.
- Mr. Gallagher...

perhaps you've heard of Simon Epstein,

the real estate mogul?

The billionaire who got
busted emailing dick pics?

Mr. Epstein, um, is
actually a philanthropist

for the homeless.

After seeing you on the news,

he immediately contacted our
community-service organization.

- You're kicking us out?
- N-no, no, Mr. Gallagher.

Simon Epstein purchased this house

for the South Side homeless.

A billionaire with a bleeding heart

and a big dick bought this place for me?

Uh, he, uh... He bought
it for all of you.

And he's asked our organization
to manage the property.

We're getting calls from
corporate interests

who would like to become sponsors.

Because of your commitment
to the homeless,

this is now public housing.

Mr. Epstein will drop by later today

for a quick photo opportunity
with you and your family.

I own this place.

Uh, no. Uh...

not just you, but, yes,
it is off the market,

and we are thrilled to
be part of your cause,

and we would love to
participate in any way we can.

Yes.

Whew.

I may have broken a Tinder record

for how many places to
hit it in one room.

So, uh, take the El or call an Uber?

Wow. Okay.

Down to business, huh?

No offense, it's just
I'm running a business,

and I can't save chips
unless I'm working.

Oh, I get it...

Sex and back to thinking money.

Just a little word of advice...

If you're really a businesswoman,

you'd stack chips, not save 'em.

What are you, my financial consultant?

Marketplace Consulting International?

You mean you're actually
a financial consultant?

Let me know when you want to
book an investment consultation.

I'm just a swipe away.

Bye, Fiona.

Shit.

Uh-oh.

- What was that noise?
- I think it was the sound

of the washer dyin'.

Fiona broke it.

I got to get some loads in

before I have to go to work.

- Ugh.
- Just call V.

You can use her washer.

No V.

What's wrong with V?

I guess we're on the outs.

We got into it pretty bad about
me not being there for her

and her not givin' a shit about me,

and we haven't spoken since.

Don't start the wash.

I need to throw in one of my shirts.

- Can't.
- Washer's broken.

What am I supposed to do about
my military-school interview?

I can't go on there smelling
like one of Frank's homeless.

You're still going through with that?

Don't they check your GPA
for military school?

Dom's dad wrote me a
killer recommendation.

Who died?

Another appliance.

Oh, shit, the washing machine?

Yeah, it's the one fucking
Jimmy bought for us.

I should've known it would never last.

I guess you're gonna have to
date another shithead con artist

to replace it for us, huh?

Somebody has to call to get this fixed,

and it's not going to be me.

What am I supposed to do about my shirt?

Oh, uh, there's such a thing as a sink.

Oh, Flintstones living up in here?

Yo, where's Debs?

I think she's avoidin' me

'cause she doesn't have her portion

of the monthly utilities.

You are being kind of cunty about it.

Yeah, she really thinks
you're gonna kick her out.

Maybe you want to set her straight?

Who says that I'm not?

Somebody drop Liam at day care.
I got to hit the Laundromat.

Yeah, I'll take him.

Come on, bud.

- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Straight cavemen.

How are the books comin', Lana?

Ah, much better with reduced overhead.

Now we just have to collect running tabs

from regulars who don't pay.

Come on, fist bumps, kid. Fist bumps.

Mommy, Mommy, and Daddy
are makin' money.

Ha, breaking even.

We are getting out of tax debt.

Can we claim each other's
kids on our tax returns?

We're married.

We got tax returns?

We can claim as dependents,

but we would have to do adoption.

Whose kids are we adopting?

She and I would adopt each others'

since we're married.

We would save money on write-offs

and become legitimate family.

Wait, wait, wait.

So, V adopts Yevgeny.

Svetlana adopts Amy and Gemma.
Where does that leave me?

That leaves you big, sexy
man in boxer shorts.

He either said, "I
burnt your breakfast,"

or, "I fucked up your eggs."

He said, "Good morning."

Hey.

Fiona gone?

She knows you're avoiding her.

Don't feel like being
harassed about the bills.

I still got two days to pay up.

She's not really gonna kick you out.

She just wants you to make an effort.

She's a bitch.

My stuff will be on the
street in 48 hours.

I've got to find financial
security for me and Harry.

All right, well, I'll
loan you the money.

I get paid on Tuesday.

Hmm, yeah, $372?

You owe $372?

What, is that baby formula made
out of caviar or something?

It's cool. I'll get the money.

I've got time. I can handle it.

She's not gonna kick you out.

Hot water?

Thank God!

Don't got to clean my flaps with
disinfectant wipes no more.

Whoa.

Uh, whoa.

My family and unbathed brethren,

we have won the first
battle for homeless dignity

by staking our claim.

We demanded our 40 acres and a mule,

our three bedrooms and a toilet,

and yours truly has
delivered it upon you.

- Thank you very much.
- Great job, Frank!

But... but listen,

now... now that we got
the hot water turned on,

we want to make sure that it stays on,

and let's keep food

and illicit substances in our belly.

So I'm sending you out in groups

to ply the most basic
commerce known to mankind...

Begging, okay?

You four, take the bodega.

You three, uh, um, the dry cleaners.

You, sir, you look like you
could use a touch of grooming,

so let's send you to the barbershop.

Okay, let's go.

Other people's money waits for no man.

Go out there.

Give 'em homeless! Yeah!

I don't understand why
you're not on board.

It's just the whole
lesbian-wedding thing again.

You and Svetlana are a thing,
and I'm the third wheel.

It is just paperwork
to secure more money

for Amy and Gemma.

What if somethin' happens to us?

Svetlana will be able
to take care of 'em.

I thought you wanted Fiona
to take care of 'em

if somethin' happened to us?

Fiona only cares about herself anymore.

Oh, would you please?
Fiona's your best friend.

We have the key to her
house, And I'm pretty sure

that half our clothes
in our closet are hers.

- Then I'll take 'em back.
- Is this a permanent thing

between you two, or is it
until one of you caves

- and apologizes?
- Screw Fiona!

It's time for us to move on and think

about what's best of our
family, and that's Svetlana.

Adoption will give our kids stability.

Don't you want them to have more
than what we had growin' up?

I still get to be called
"Daddy" no matter what.

- Or Big Papa.
- Oh!

Your choice, baby.

Chicks in uniform rule.

Not into dudes,

especially the teenage kind.

Save your compliments.

Impressive letter of
recommendation, Mr. Gallagher.

I know some people.

You should definitely reapply next year.

We're at capacity this fall.

All 75 slots for this upcoming
term have been filled.

Wait, so that's it? No interview?

We'll definitely keep
your application on file.

Well, the brochure says

that incoming classes have 100 students.

The remaining slots are reserved

for students of color.

We try to strongly encourage

the underrepresented groups to apply...

Native Americans, Pacific
Islanders, Hispanic,

and, of course, African-Americans.

I'm part black.

Black Irish doesn't count.

We'll contact you if
anything becomes available.

Marco Nunez, you're up.

Go fuck yourself, Pancho.

Slow mornin', Etta?

Change machine's out of quarters.

I brought quarters.

Some of your machines
are broken, too, huh?

Ah, people keep using slugs
so they won't have to pay.

They get jammed in there

tighter than a string bikini in my ass.

I ain't fishin' 'em out.

My load's not done.

I need change for a dollar.

There's your change.

Gave her too much change.

I did?

You wouldn't have to deal with quarters

if you got swipe cards.

Tell that to the new owners.

Not that they'd care anyway.

You're sellin' the place?

Ah, those North Side suits...

They've been pokin' around,
trying to buy out my lease.

I think they're trying to
rack up the whole block.

I told 'em to get lost.

What do they want to do with it?

Turn it into a Starbucks

or... or a cheese and wine shop.

I-I can't handle this
place since Wendell died.

You know, we tripled customers
over at Patsy's when we updated.

I'm too old for that.

Worried about my babies, though.

Seriously? The cats?

Kittie's gettin' her thrills, huh?

The newbies around here don't
understand the South Side.

You and me... the lifers...

We still get it.

Just rented this new space yesterday,

and I need you to order 25 desks,

5 printers, scanners,

make sure the Trinity
gets the swivel seats

with the nice butt cushion.

Uh, need a new espresso machine,

the Breville 870XL,

and a treadmill desk for Joe an...

- You jotting this down?
- Yeah, yeah, no, I got it.

All right, got to pimp
this place back out, man.

We lost a quarter of our staff,

so we need you to get
everyone back on the network.

Lost a quarter of our staff, huh?

Yep.

And your intern got scared
off, so you're gonna have

to hire a new one and
fetch your own lunch.

Mine too.

Yeah, Game Change is
back up and running.

Good, Candice.

Fifty bucks is a great start,

but, um, we got to talk about technique

to increase our profits.

Oh, an out-of-work vet

is worth at least 40
bucks an hour, Hector.

You're gon... try to
triple this, all right?

And, please, just say no to pennies.

Frank, I need to speak with you.

Well, well, well...

the prodigal daughter returns.

How do I make some money, fast?

No, no, no, no, no, no free advice

- for Gallagher traitors.
- Come on, Frank.

You've been hustlin' your entire life.

I need expertise.

I already have a Debbie

to bestow my gentle wisdom upon.

- Yes, Daddy Frank?
- You see?

She knows who the real papa is.

- Isn't that a boy?
- Not to me.

Well, what about your granddaughter?

Don't you care what happens to her?

Oh, you mean that strange mixed-race kid

with the butch name?

What if I change her
name back to Franny?

Franny for life? No take-backs.

Fine.

Come here. Can I pick you up?

Oh, I've missed you. Yes, yes, yes.

How much cash we talkin' about?

Three hundred and seventy-two
dollars in 48 hours.

Well, that's a fast turnaround.

I hope you're good at hand jobs.

I don't know.

Got to shake a lot of snakes to
come up with that kind of dough.

Anything that doesn't involve
touching male anatomy?

Oh, good sign, Morris.

- Yeah.
- Shouldn't that be "homeless"?

No, spelling deficiency
is good for the cause.

You know, you're really
wasting your best assets.

Young, white, mother, female.

You're a cash cow on the corner.

You want me to be a prostitute?

No, don't be ridiculous.

Competition is way too steep,

but stick a sign with you
and a baby in your arms

and just watch the
middle-class pity roll in.

- Go.
- Begging?

Yep. Hey.

Hey.

Got your text. What's up?

Uh, grab a bag.

- This for Frank's shelter?
- Yeah.

One of my teens from the
youth center is moving in.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Ian, this is Gia.

Hi. Appreciate it.

Not as strong as I look.

These shits are heavy.

Cute and got manners?

Nice.

Gia got kicked out of the house.

We're lucky the shelter had some space.

Hey, Frank didn't give him too much shit

about moving in, did he?

Gia's a her, not a him.

Her proper pronoun is "she."

Your dad's a local hero.

Well, Frank is a Frank, not a dad,

and his proper pronoun is "it."

We, uh... we hangin' tonight?

Hope so.

Jesus!

Sorry.

Uh, what are you doin' here?

Uh, lookin' for Margo.

Is this still her office?

Uh, she's out for a deposition today.

What's the problem?

No problem.

I just came to report that
Patsy's is doing great.

We've been overcrowded
on our off shifts,

and our nighttime crowds are so heavy,

we have to take names for tables.

- Good work.
- Thanks.

I got a lot more ideas,
but I'd like to discuss

me gettin' a reasonable cut.

Cut of what?

The profits,

seein' as how I'm the
reason that they increased.

On what planet do diner managers

get a cut of the business profits?

I turned that place around.

Yeah, so we wouldn't close it down.

I worked 24-7 and got it jumpin'.

That's above and beyond manager.

I busted my ass on that shit diner,

and I'm not gettin' paid what I'm worth.

Join the club.

Nobody making a paycheck is
paid what they're worth.

Look, you have to own
something to make real money,

and Margo's the only owner around here.

Fine. What about an
additional 50 bucks a week?

You just got a raise.

Not gonna happen.

So who's married to whom?

- We're married...
- To each other.

But we still have relationship
with all three of us.

I'm Big Papa.

And who's adopting whom?

She's adopting our daughters.

She's adopting son I have with jailbird.

- And that's him?
- No, this is Big Papa.

He's a good daddy and a good husband.

Jailbird in jail.

Not daddy anymore. New daddy, Big Papa.

Huh, fascinating.

A-a-and your triplets?

My son, their daughters.

So weird how we have to keep explaining

our situation to people.

It's like they never heard
of a menage-a-three.

This may be the most
exciting adoption case

this firm has ever seen.

I mean, I'll be the face
of the modern family.

- This is career changing.
- So we negotiate discount fee

for mutual benefit.

Let's get the paperwork started

to begin the application process.

You'll need to gather

all of your health-care information

to build your case file,

and the same for the children.

All of their checkups, immunizations,

MMR vaccines.

Uh...

- MMR vaccine?
- Not now, Kev.

What do you want?

I didn't get into military school, sir.

You fail the drug test?

No.

Said the only slots left
were for colored people.

People of color, son.

Don't say "colored people."

That's reverse racism.

So what you call all the white slots?

Reverse reverse racism?

Well, I told 'em I was part black.

They didn't believe me.
You've met my brother, Liam.

Somebody in my families been
dipping in the chocolate.

Can you write me another letter?

Tell 'em I qualify for a diversity slot?

You want me to vouch for your blackness?

If it wouldn't be too much trouble.

I don't know what you are, Gallagher...

Part black, part white, part dipshit.

Any asshole can claim
black by convenience.

- It's not fair, sir.
- White man's burden, son.

Until there's some genuine
racial balance out there,

you got to take the short
end of the diversity stick.

Well, where am I supposed
to learn to be a real man?

I'm gonna be stuck in this hood forever.

Ugh, two arson victims,

a 35-year-old heart attack,

and a projectile-vomiting
three-year-old,

and it's not even five o'clock.

Yep.

How's your stain coming?

Gonna need something
stronger than baby wipes.

That kid got you good.

It's not my first time
wearing projectile vomit.

Usually there's cheap
beer and fists involved.

Oh, we're all hittin'
up the bar after work.

- You want to come?
- Ah, no, I'm supposed

to meet up with a new friend later.

A new friend, huh?

Sounds like a rebound.

You got to go slow.

My last rebound

slashed the tires of
the rig I was workin'.

I had a patient in the back

with a Coke bottle shoved up his ass.

Not a rebound, all right?

Just a guy I met.

His name's Trevor.

He's a lot of fun to hang out with.

It's just platonic.

There's no such thing as platonic.

You're either bonin',

or you're waitin' to bone.

See, that's why I only hang
out with my coworkers,

'cause after a day on the rig

wearin' everybody's piss and vomit,

- none of us are fuckable.
- What?

- No offense.
- Oh.

No, trust me, this
friend is just a friend.

Can't be any other way.

Is that your strictly
friend there texting?

Address to a yard party tonight.

Bonin' or waitin' to bone, Gallagher.

- Yo, we connected yet?
- Uh, nah.

I need someone to log in to
complete the network setup.

All right.

There.

Create a temporary
password and get it done.

Once we're back on, start
tweeting from our account.

Folks need to know we're alive.

So one second the offices are
getting raided by the Feds,

and the next we're here

like nothin' happened.

How do you guys stay afloat?

By makin' a shit-ton of money.

Think we don't budget
for that kind of crap?

It's part of the business plan.

Like, the first time we
were alive, 14 months.

This time it was 20. Called progress.

Yeah, but won't you guys just
end up gettin' busted again?

No, there's no crime in fantasy sports

and processing credit cards.

The Feds can try and fight it
till they're blue in the face.

Hey, so I was thinkin', you know,

since we got less staff now, um...

you know, any chance
maybe I could get paid?

Sarah's Pomeranian needs to be

at the groomer before lunch.

Got it.

Since we're gonna be new parents,

we should probably all
have the same last name.

How about Kev's?

Great. We'll all be Balls.

Pregnant again, V? Congrats.

I'm not pregnant.

We're adopting each other's kids.

Adoptin' kids you already have?

You want to take some of
mine while you're at it?

Did we get the kids the MMR shot?

Isn't that linked to autism?

In Russia, we don't do vaccines.

In winter, we send baby
out to nap in cold.

It gets immune to virus.

So the doctors inject
the babies with a virus

to prevent the virus, but does that mean

that they give 'em a virus
that they didn't already have?

The government did that to black
soldiers with penicillin.

Gave 'em syphilis. A lot of 'em died.

Government wants to give
our babies syphilis?

My sister gave her kid that shot.

Now he just hides in
the corner and hums...

Vaccines are the greatest
medical invention

of all time.

No polio, no smallpox, no measles.

You want your kids to end
up with scarlet fever?

- Used to kill thousands.
- Sounds bad.

- It was bad.
- It's not as safe as they say.

Better than polio.

So we experiment.

Don't give vaccine to
all babies, just some.

See what happens.

- This is like my family.
- Yeah.

It's like a family. Highs
and lows, right, ladies?

- A lot of highs.
- A lot of lows.

You're a real people's
champion, Mr. Gallagher.

- Thank you.
- If there's more you need,

please don't hesitate

to let Elena and the organization know.

Well, good sir, since
you're so generous,

we could use a new television

to keep us distracted from the drugs...

and a microwave, new refrigerator,

some appliances, maybe
a furniture upgrade.

- We'll send some things over.
- Thank you.

Now, which ones of these kids are yours?

Want to make sure they
get in the picture.

Oh, this is little Liam right here.

Hey, there.

Nice smile, son.

Okay, show 'em your pearly browns.

- Here's your check.
- Thank you.

Hi.

Sixteen dollars and eighty-three cents.

Take it off my tab, and
I'll be back with more,

so don't touch my things.

Gallagher.

Been looking for you.

As much as an annoying

and otherwise rodent-like pest

you've become in my daughter's life...

I've grown to feel a sense
of responsibility for you.

Military school might be your best shot

to avoid being human scum.

You're gonna vouch for my blackness?

Still no.

But you can take a DNA test to
prove your African ancestry.

All it takes is an oral
swab of your cheek.

They swab my ass cheeks?

Oral, Gallagher.

That's the mouth.

Oh, cool.

Pick you up at 10 a. m. sharp.

Debbie?

Hey, Tanya, what's up?

What are you doing out here?

Just raisin' money for Franny.

Job scarcity, and nobody's hiring.

Crazy, right?

Got any spare change?

Do you need help or something?

Or, like, a babysitter?

No, we're fine.

Just doing whatever it takes.

If you talk to Derek,
tell him I said hi.

I'll see you later.

Hey...

my corner, freckle face.

Excuse me?

Pack up your stuff and get lost.

This belongs to me and my baby.

I've still got 355 bucks to earn.

Find another fuckin' corner.

Oh, no, you know what? I
think I'll keep this one.

- What are you doing?
- Marking my territory.

So am I, bitch.

- No, no, no!
- Hey!

Oh!

Back off!

Ooh!

You're a terrible person!

- Hey.
- Hey.

You get a quote on the washer?

Uh, I didn't have time today.

Can't you handle it?

I was serious about not
taking this house shit on.

I'll pay my fair share of
whatever it costs to fix it,

but until then, I'll
keep taking my quarters

to Etta's at the 'mat.

Uh-huh!

This DJ's wild. Whose place is this?

My friend Kali.

She's a legendary party promoter.

She even planned one for
Prince in Paisley Park.

It's been a while since I had
someone to party-hop with.

I miss this shit.

It's good to see you let
your hair down, Red.

I turned around profits at the diner,

and I asked for a raise, but
how can I ensure my future?

Well, you might want
to consider a SEP IRA

or a Roth IRA to prepare
for the long term.

I'm surprised you messaged me again.

I know.

My rule's one time, but I
could really use the tips,

and, you know, you're a great lay.

No problem.

You might also want to consider bonds.

Some low risk, high yield.

Perhaps something more aggressive.

I can do all this stuff
on a manager's salary?

Investing and ownership is
really the only way to go

from being poor to rich.

- Ownership?
- Yeah.

Anybody who's really
rich, owns something.

Or lots of something.

Next time, we can just
meet in my office.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Three hundred thirty-seven
dollars per pint of blood.

I could sell two pints before
my body goes into shock.

Ugh. Nah, you're right.

That would only last
us a couple of months.

Ten dollars per square inch of skin.

Seems kind of low.

We still have time. I am
not going to let Fiona

kick us to the curb.

How much for one cornea?

Had some of your things at my house,

so I thought I'd bring 'em by.

Oh, those fit you better
than they fit me anyway.

You can just keep 'em.

Not sure what you want to do
with the spare key, but...

I can bring by your stuff later.

No need. Kev will pick it up.

- Fine.
- Cool.

- Hey, V.
- Hey.

Sorry. Kev put that one
in with the colors.

Ah, it's okay.

- Thanks.
- No problem.

That's what friends do for each other.

Jesus, any colder in here,
we're gonna need parkas.

What's with you and V?

Really couldn't go to the Laundromat

just like everyone else?

Well, just 'cause you
want to ice everyone out

doesn't mean I have to.

- What's up with you?
- What's up with me?

I'm workin' around the clock.

I'm doin' great. What's up with you?

Jesus, how hard can
managing a fucking diner be

for you to stop giving
a shit about us and V?

Who says I don't give a shit?

I'm not gonna apologize for
gettin' my life together.

V will be fine once she
realizes that self-improvement

is not a crime, and so will all of you.

Guys, watch your backs.

You fuckin' seein' this?

Is that a new washer/dryer

gettin' delivered to Frank?

Even the homeless get
better stuff than us.

Okay, so which one

of you little titans is
getting vaccinated first?

This one's first. She
gets the whole bundle.

None for her, and for the boy,

can we get, like, half of 'em?

- Oh, shit.
- Hey!

- Yo, bro.
- Jesus.

- Sorry to interrupt.
- What's up, dude?

Nah, nah, we're... We're good here.

Yeah?

So, uh, catch you later?

Fuck off, Joaquin.

Hey.

Hey, you guys here to get the swab kit?

- That's right.
- For both of you?

- Just for the kid.
- All right, just so you know,

we got a special promo going
on today if you're interested.

Get two DNA tests at half off,

so, basically, you get one free.

Just for the kid, thanks.

What are my chances of
being from the Motherland?

As in Africa or as in...

Africa.

It's pretty fair, actually.

You know, I had the test done,
and it changed my life.

Found out my family was from
the Fulani tribe of Nigeria.

Been there twice now.

Planning on moving there next year.

Even changed my name to Chuku.

What was your name before?

My slave name was Lin.

Hey, what if we're in
the same tribe, Mr. W?

- Wouldn't that be cool?
- I don't think so, Gallagher.

- How do you know we aren't?
- You could find out.

We'll let you know when
we get the results.

Our two-for-one special's
kind of unbeatable.

If I find out

any of your people owned
any of my people,

I'm gonna have to shoot you.

- Whoa!
- Ow, ooh, oh!

I'm sorry.

Need a ride?

Ah.

Frank, aren't you supposed to be buried

under some bulldozers?

Take more than that to
kill this cockroach.

Barmaids, whatever you have
on tap for the wife and me.

- We gettin' married?
- No.

It's a figure of speech.

No more running bar tab for sewer rat

who never pays.

I assume

you're referring to Kermit,

but I'm ready to reconcile my debt.

Give me the numbers.

Two hundred twenty-three dollars
and seventy-five cents.

How about just for the last 30 days?

Two hundred twenty-three dollars
and seventy-five cents.

It's gonna take real money, Frank.

Kev's not here for you to confuse.

Mm-hmm.

What other kind of money is there?

What, did you rob a bum there, Frank?

Or a lousy stripper?

Old-fashioned
entrepreneurship, my friends.

I create financial opportunities

for the homeless,

I get to keep a nest egg for myself...

The American way.

Hey, careful spending
all that in one place.

How you gonna afford your drugs?

That's a good point.

It may be time to increase my profits.

Two hundred twenty-three dollars...

And 75 cents.

Mm.

Oh, my God, I'm crazy...

Properly boozed and debt-free...

What a way to live.

Uh, one second, please.

Neil?

I took the bus.

I met a redheaded girl with big tatas.

Uh, you two know each other?

This is my brother. Excuse him.

He was in an accident and
says whatever he's thinking.

Hey, Neil, no tatas.

Oh, sorry.

He seems sweet,

and Franny seems to really like him.

I'm hungry.

I have to work, but I'll
bring you a burger,

- all right?
- Okay.

- I could sit with him.
- You sure you don't mind?

Totally sure.

Okay, uh, if he tries to
touch your tits or anything,

just swat his hands
away. It's involuntary.

Okay.

I'll bring you guys some Cokes.

Who is that weird, creepy
guy sitting with my sister?

Uh, my brain-damaged brother.

Debbie sitting with him cool?

- Yeah, of course.
- All right.

- Hey.
- Hey. Peppermint tea.

Sober tonic before headin' into work.

Good idea. Thanks.

Come on.

I, um... I had a blast
hangin' last night.

Yeah, the party was epic.

Might need to go light
a few days to recover.

Oh, we can always hang out
at my place next time.

Watch a movie or fuck.

What?

Well, dude, come on.

You were all over me last night.

- We were drunk.
- Call it whatever you want,

but, uh, you couldn't keep
your tongue off of me.

You were in heat,

ready to hump anything that moves.

I, uh... I get it if
you're too scared to admit

that you've got the
hots for a trans dude.

I'm not scared of anything.

I-I'm into cock.

What, afraid you'll get
your world rocked, Red?

You do have a vagina, right?

Like, technically, not philosophically?

I have a cock for packing.

I have a... several
silicone cocks for fucking.

I consider to have a cock
connected to my body.

The "vagina" is a nonfactor.

It's cool, okay?

There's no need to be freaked out.

We can just be friends...

really hot friends

who both have cocks.

Give me a shout when you're
free to hang, all right?

Yeah, yeah.

See you later, friend.

So workforce or college...

Which one's the bigger scam?

Uh...

I don't know. Maybe equal, I guess.

Look at all this fresh meat.

College has got to have
an edge on that, right?

Yeah, higher concentration maybe.

I don't know about an edge.

You not planning to come back?

Nah, I'm, um...

interning for a bunch of
rich college friends.

Degrees bought and paid for
by trust funds or whatever.

I tutor douche bags like
that in Micro Engineering,

and they'll still end up with the jobs.

It sucks ass, but...

We could hack these fucks, and
they wouldn't know what hit 'em.

Wait, w-what?

Look, I'm already into their system

helping them reboot the company, right?

Easy access to reroute
credit card payments

to our own account.

This is what you came up here for?

You're the smartest lowlife I know.

So you had an accident?

I rode my skateboard into a bus.

What does your hair smell like?

Uh, shampoo, I think.

- Were you wearin' a helmet?
- No.

Like strawberry shampoo
or dandruff shampoo?

Closer to strawberry, I think.

Did you sue the bus company?

Yeah, won a lot of money and disability.

And I like babies. And I
like your juicy booty.

Involuntary, right?

Uh, do you have your own place?

Yeah, with my sister.

- Is it soft?
- My booty?

Uh, sort of, I guess.

Your nipples are hard
through your shirt.

Uh, who takes care of you?

Sierra, when she's not busy,
but she's busy a lot.

Hmm.

So let me get this straight.

You have your own place,

your own money, and nobody
to take care of you?

Neil, do you believe in fate?

- Hey.
- What's up?

Mind if I use the washer?
It's some of Liam's stuff.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Just keep your mouth shut.

The babies are still sleepin'.

Oh, man, they got their shots today.

Well, some did.

We're waitin' to see on who gets sick.

These viruses... Deadly stuff, man.

Oh, uh, Fiona left some,
uh, shit for you.

It's V's, I guess.

What, hooker boots and CDs?

Did Fiona tell you what's
goin' on with those two?

I-I think I must've missed somethin'.

Uh, not really. She's just being weird

- about the whole thing.
- Must be what it's like

for kids whose folks are
going through a divorce.

One minute they're BFFs,

the next minute you're picking on

who you want to live with.
It's stressin' me out.

I mean, I'm pickin' V, obviously,

but it doesn't mean I don't miss Fiona.

Ah, they're both being stupid.

What's goin' on with you?

Same old, same old.

Ah, dude, don't hold out on me.

I've been dealing with toddlers
all day, talking ABCs,

telling 'em what sounds a cow makes.

It's moo, motherfucker. It's moo.

I'm thinkin' about fuckin'
one of my friends.

Sweet. Why... why even think about it?

- Just do it.
- He's got a vagina, kind of.

What, like a real vagina,
or he acts like a pussy?

No, no, like a real, live vagina,

except I'm not supposed to call it that

because the vagina's, like,
a fuckin' nonfactor.

- I don't know.
- So is it imaginary?

No, I think it's more like a man cave.

I don't even know if we're still
talking about body parts.

Uh, you know...

I re... I really like the guy,

and, uh, he's... he's hot.

I don't want to mess up
the friendship part,

and I-I don't know if I
can suck silicone cock.

Right.

Right. I'm still confused.

Is guy vag different from girl vag?

Uh, don't worry about it. I'll
be back for Liam's clothes.

Yo, thanks for the adult convo, Kev.

Glad I could help, man.

Hey, Etta,

those suit guys hassling you again?

Whose suits?

From the North Side, the realtors?

Oh.

They offered me 100 grand for the lease,

but they said I couldn't live
upstairs with my cats no more.

They're tryin' to kick you
out of your apartment?

I've lived in this place since the '50s,

and now they're tryin'
to buy out my lease

and take my apartment, too.

You don't have to get
run out by these guys.

I bet if you offered a few perks,

offered free delivery, maybe.

You'd get a ton more people up in here.

Hell, I've been doin'
other people's wash

since I was in diapers.

We could split the profits.

You wouldn't even have
to worry about it.

What's the use, honey?

Rich people always win.

Seventy-four, 75 bucks!

Not bad, New Lip.

Not bad at all.

I'm gonna take, uh, 50%
for the savings fund.

I thought it was 25%?

I'm contributing to home improvement.

Electric bills for flat
screens and washers

don't pay themselves.

What do you say, troops?
Keep it or send it back?

Keep it, keep it, keep it.

Don't forget who's lookin'
after your financial future.

Daddy Frank, Daddy Frank,

Daddy Frank, Daddy Frank,

Daddy Frank, Daddy Frank, Daddy Frank.

Hey, hey, hey, we can't hear the TV.

Excuse me.

Tight-ass lady at table two

said she owns the place, asked for you.

Mushroom turkey burger
with sweet-potato fries

is our most popular.

Chad said you stopped by
today askin' for a raise.

We're doin' great. I think I earned it.

- How are your prime costs?
- Food cost is at 35%.

Lots of new items on this menu.

I removed 20 old items
that weren't sellin',

and I saved two percent on meat costs

by gettin' rid of the
triple beef burger.

- Labor costs?
- Down to 28%.

I deserve that raise.

I authorized Chad to give
you 25 extra bucks a week.

I asked for 50.

- We're negotiating now?
- Yeah, we are.

You got a city block for sale somewhere

or a rundown apartment building

in some up-and-coming neighborhood?

'Cause those are the only
people that I negotiate with.

I'm throwin' you a bone. Take it.

And I will take that
mushroom turkey burger.

Okay, adoption application
is ready for signature.

So I got to admit...

As much as I was worried about
this whole adoption thing,

I kind of like bein' Big Papa.

On count of three, we
take shots, and we sign.

Speaking Russian

To thrupple kids.

- Yo?
- What's up?

We in the system?

Uh...

All right, hide a transfer
beta where they won't see it.

Now.

Screw you, Rocky.

Mr. Gallagher, we didn't find

any African lineage in your strand.

Wait, rea... Are you sure?

Ah, but we did find 33.5%
Native American ancestry

traceable to the Apache tribe.

- You mean I'm an Indian?
- Mmm.

And, uh, Mr. Winslow,

your DNA test reveals 22% Irish
traceable to the Puritans.

What? As in Pilgrims?

Mm-hmm, that's right.

You two are the Pilgrims
and the Indians.

Didn't your people kill my people?

Don't say another word.

Apache, bitch.

I'm goin' to military school.

Who is it?

Deb Gallagher at this address?

Debs, for you.

- Uh, yeah?
- Debbie Gallagher?

I'm Tony Casas

from the Department of
Children and Family Services.

We want to inform you that
we're opening an investigation

to determine whether or not your
daughter, Frances Gallagher,

is the victim of child
endangerment and neglect.

What?

This is you, correct?

Babies look okay so far.

I don't see any smallpox or measles.

Ooh.

Gemma sounds like she's gettin' a cold.

Did she get vaccinated or no?

Yes. Wait, no.

Wait.

Shit, I forgot to write it down.

No, yeah. I don't know.