Shameless (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - I Only Miss Her When I'm Breathing - full transcript
Frank is struggling with the loss of a loved one. Fiona gets a promotion at the diner. Mickey is handling business behind bars. Debbie is making a decision with her pregnancy.
[Showtime fanfare]
[scoffs] You've got to be kidding me.
You don't remember what
happened to us last season?
What are you, some kind of fucking idiot?
♪ rock music ♪
- [Liam] You got married?
- [Fiona] Yeah.
Well, are you happy, or...
Gus seems like a good guy.
Something is going on
with us. We both know it.
[Sean] Well, I don't
want to be that shithead
who's sleeping with some nice guy's wife.
What if Gus and I split up?
♪♪♪
I think I'm falling in love
with one of my professors.
Helene... you know, she
knows what she wants.
She doesn't second-guess herself.
It's really sexy.
See if it's safe to leave?
♪♪♪
- I want to have sex with you.
- We don't need that.
- I'm on the pill.
- Cool.
[Fiona] You can't have a boy in your bed.
- You do.
- I'm a grown-up.
[Debbie] I'm pregnant.
[Fiona] Are you sure?
Oh, shit.
Why are you taping horse to my tummy?
'Cause I'm your uncle,
and you do what I say.
- [dog barking]
- Carl?
[Gaither] I sentence you to the maximum:
one year at the Illinois
Department of Corrections
Juvenile Justice Division.
Don't you worry.
No one's gonna mess with you again.
Let's do this.
Whoo!
- What the hell happened?
- He's crazy. He steal baby.
[eard] Bipolar one, acute mania
with psychotic features.
- This means...
- No, we know what it means.
I hate the meds. You
gonna make me take them?
You get fucking nuts when you don't.
You can't fix me, 'cause I'm not broken.
I don't need to be fixed, okay?
This is you breaking up with me.
[Sammi] Mickey.
Holy shit.
[gunshot]
Fuck you!
[both yelling indistinctly]
[siren wails]
That can't be good.
Oh, I need a drink.
What's the occasion?
Cancer.
I've seen what chemo does to a body.
It's not a battle. That's a lost cause.
Dying is lonely. We know that.
Doesn't have to be.
Thank you.
[Frank] For what?
[Bianca] You've made me happy.
[Frank] Bianca!
[waves lapping]
♪ rock music ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so sure of? ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Round up the friends you got ♪
♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ You were willing once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so sure of? ♪
[sprinkler clicking]
♪ somber guitar music ♪
♪♪♪
♪ mellow rock music ♪
♪♪♪
Hey.
Hey!
Hey!
[sighs]
Come on, man.
We talked about this.
Look, I'm sorry for your loss,
but you can't keep sleeping here.
Look, you need to get
on with your life, man.
That's what your daughter would've wanted.
She wasn't my daughter.
She was the love of my life.
My sun, my moon,
my dusk, my dawn.
The spring in my step,
the syrup on my waffle...
the Tootsie in my pop.
Look, man, I got a grave
to dig right over there,
and you can't be here when
the funeral party shows up.
Have a good day, my love.
I'll see you tonight.
[whimpers]
[hip-hop ringtone playing]
♪ Hip-hop ♪
♪ Gonna live ♪
[groans]
Time to get up, old man.
♪ upbeat rock music ♪
♪♪♪
- [light knock on door]
- [Debbie] Occupied!
♪♪♪
Time for work.
Don't forget to take your meds.
[growls and smooches]
Up and at them, Bean.
[Debbie] Ugh, use the downstairs toilet
if you're so fucking desperate.
We got to be at the clinic before 8:00
or we're gonna be waiting all day.
We're doing this today, Debs.
We got to know for sure one way or another.
Debbie.
[Debbie] I heard you.
Is she gonna go?
Oh, she's going.
How are you today, Mrs. P-fender?
The P is silent, and stop calling me that.
You're still married, though, right?
Separated.
- Sounds like a "yes."
- [chuckles]
You're the one sleeping
with a married woman.
What's that make you?
Lucky.
♪♪♪
♪ Oh, eh ♪
Frank's gonna burn the house down.
♪ I'm never gonna feel,
go and take my soul ♪
♪ Keep protecting what is good ♪
Go away! Oh, my God.
♪ The only thing that's on my mind ♪
♪ Yeah, you're looking all around ♪
♪ All across the land ♪
♪ Now you're never, ever,
ever gonna understand ♪
♪♪♪
Don't you have to open today?
- [groans]
- What is he doing?
- Weeping, I think.
- Are you weeping again, Frank?
It's called mourning a
loved one taken too soon.
- You want a lift to work?
- No.
Your shift starts in half an hour.
Meds?
Yes, Mom.
I'm not your mother. I'm just concerned.
Did you take them?
[gasps] Fuck, Frank.
I love you.
I... I just want you to
know I'm... I love you.
I ever tell you about the time
I caught an octopus on the reef
outside of our hut and Bianca cooked it
on an open fire right on the beach?
- Yes.
- Yes.
And the funny little sneeze she
would do when she was asleep?
[all imitate Bianca's sneeze]
- Debs, I love you.
- Jesus.
I just... I want you to know that.
Go away, Frank.
You almost ready to go, Debs?
- I'm eating.
- Well, eat faster.
We got to drop Liam
off at pre-K on the way.
Has anyone seen my black armband?
She's dead, Frank.
She...
Jesus.
What's the matter with you people?
She was my soul mate.
She probably killed herself
just to get away from you.
Can I borrow five bucks?
No.
- Debs?
- For what?
I... I want to light a candle for Bianca
at the foot of the blessed.
No.
I hope someday you two
have the precious gift
of feeling what I felt for
that beautiful young woman...
[sobs]... and then to have that
love stolen cruelly from you
by a pitiless God, and
then maybe, just maybe,
you'll remember this day
and your father's anguish
and you'll be ashamed
of the lack of compassion
you showed him in his time of need.
I love you, my little brown banana.
I just want you to know. [Sobs]
I don't know how much
more of that I can take
before I stab him in the neck
with a broken beer bottle.
- What are you smiling about?
- I'm happy.
- Can't I be happy?
- No, not about this.
There's absolutely no reason
to be happy about this.
Drugs.
- Are you high?
- No.
- [switchblade clicks]
- [gasps]
Fuck. Where did you get that?
From Carl's pillow.
Probably has a pipe bomb
stashed in there somewhere too.
We should go visit him this weekend.
- No, thank you.
- Why not?
- [Debbie] Busy.
- Doing what?
Living my life away from my
degenerate criminal brother
who keeps a switchblade in his pillow.
Go. Work.
Can't be late again.
You ready, Debs?
Come on.
Hey, Debs.
Ooh.
Debbie.
I love you.
[laughing] I just want you to know
I really, really love you.
[laughs]
♪ guitar chord ♪
♪♪♪
Hi.
Hey.
I thought you were gonna set the alarm.
No, I lied.
- I have a class.
- Yeah, me too.
[sighs] Neo-Marxist philosophy
of the Frankfurt School,
Adorno and Fromm.
Mm. I love Adorno.
[laughs] You don't even
know who Adorno was.
Theodoro Adorno,
Negative Dialectics,
Minima Moralia.
Now, Adorno advanced a
dialectical conception
of natural history
that critiqued the twin temptations
of ontology and empiricism
through studies of Kierkegaard and Husserl.
You remembered that.
I had an excellent professor.
[sighs]
No, stay.
I can't be responsible for
impeding your academic growth.
[sighs] Professor Youens won't care.
He doesn't show up half the time.
Well, then you teach.
That's what teacher's assistants are for.
What, to fill in for absent professors?
To teach survey courses to business majors
who don't give a damn.
Oh, he doesn't teach survey courses.
Applied mathematics and particle dynamics
for physics majors.
He still drinking his breakfast?
No, he's usually still
hammered from the night before.
You know, two fluid dynamics majors
reported him to the Dean.
Think he's gonna get himself fired.
Oh, nobody's firing Dr. Youens.
He's a member of the
National Academy of Sciences.
He's been short-listed for
the Fields Prize four times.
Not to mention he
literally wrote the textbook
he teaches from.
Hey, can I come over tonight?
No.
Why?
I'm busy.
Doing what? [Kiss]
♪ dramatic rock music ♪
♪♪♪
Gallagher.
Here.
You're coming?
- You don't want me to?
- Not really. [Chuckles]
Is that okay? She's only 15.
It's your daughter's choice.
- Sister.
- Sister.
Thanks, but I'll be okay.
Great. I'll just wait here.
[knocking]
[breathing heavily]
[doorbell rings]
Kev.
Kev.
[exclaims] What?
Door.
[doorbell rings]
♪ intense music ♪
[baby crying]
- [Kev] It's okay. It's okay.
- [doorbell rings]
Baby, go back to sleep.
It's just some idiot pounding on the door.
[knocking]
♪♪♪
[doorbell rings]
[knocking]
Shit, I'm coming!
[knocking, doorbell ringing]
- Oh, good morning.
- Holy shit.
What is with the doorbell? Somebody dying?
We have a petition for you to sign.
We are collecting signatures
to force the police
to do something about the noise.
- [engine revving]
- What noise?
- You don't hear that?
- Every morning?
- We've asked him nicely.
- Begged numerous times.
We've called the police.
[sighs] It's the ghetto.
Lots of noises in the ghetto.
Automatic gunfire, people
begging for their lives.
Okay, it's not the ghetto; it's our home,
and that Turkish idiot
is doing this on purpose
- because we asked...
- Asked nicely.
that he remove that rusting car
and rotting sofa from his yard.
Well, first of all, Yanis isn't Turkish.
He's Greek
or Albanian or something,
and that's a Ford Fairlane
he's trying to fix up.
What is going on?
They want Yanis to clean up his yard.
And stop the motorcycle noise.
They have a petition they want us to sign.
- A what?
- Sign here.
Look, I know Yanis pretty well.
Let me talk to him first, all right?
Let me... we don't want
things to get dramatic.
Let me see what I can do, okay?
Okay?
Okay.
♪♪♪
Forty-five,
46,
47,
48,
49.
- Gallagher.
- Fifty.
Ready to go?
♪ guitar music ♪
♪♪♪
Peace out.
Peace. Yo.
Deuces, fam.
Yo.
- Deuces.
- White boy Carl!
[all chanting] White
boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
♪♪♪
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
♪♪♪
On the door.
[buzzer blares]
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪♪♪
- So it's positive.
- So we're pregnant?
Would you like to discuss
your options going forward?
Oh, no. No, no, thank you.
We're having this baby.
[child laughs]
You're not pregnant?
I'm not.
[sighs]
Are you okay?
It's for the best, Debs.
Come on, let's get jelly doughnuts
before I drop you off at school.
[toddler babbling]
Come on.
[knocks on window]
Professor?
Professor Youens?
Hey.
Morning.
Holy shit Is that a new scratch?
It didn't look like that yesterday?
No, I don't think so.
Is there any blood or bits of
clothing stuck in the grille?
- Nope.
- [sighs]
Good rule of thumb, Philip:
you start sideswiping cars,
it's time to pull over and park.
[gasps] Boss Tweed cometh.
How do I look?
Honestly, like shit.
[sighs]
♪♪♪
Morning, Dean.
Glorious morning, wouldn't you say?
Go, thee witch.
Your virginity breeds mites,
much like a cheese.
♪♪♪
One short stack with sausage,
two over easy with bacon,
hash browns, and a side of Texas toast.
Does Debbie seem okay?
She was actually disappointed. Jesus.
It was all I could do not
to start dancing the Nae Nae
in the middle of the waiting room.
- She's in love.
- She's 15.
She's got all those hormones
slamming around in her body
screaming, "Procreate!"
Fucing Otis, he won't pick up the phone.
- How late is he?
- Over an hour.
Again.
Otis, man, what the hell? Come on.
Seriously, you got to get here on time.
I got held up. I'm sorry.
No, sorry's not gonna cut
it. You're assistant manager.
- Get your ass here on time.
- All right.
I think Otis is using again.
Hey, Otis, you using again?
- No.
- There you go.
Ian. We go see Mickey today.
Hey, Yevgeny. No, thank you.
I told you I'm not gonna see him again.
But he won't see me if you don't come.
Well, I'm done with that part of my life.
I pay you.
How much?
- Twenty-five.
- [scoffs]
Okay, $50.
Do you want to go fishing tonight?
Hmm?
Date night. Fishing.
- Fishing?
- Yeah.
Come on, you're gonna love it.
[bell tolling]
Jesus.
Uh, excuse me.
I'm... I'm late for work,
and you all look like
you haven't had gainful
employment for decades,
so if you don't mind, I'll just, um...
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been 23 hours
since my last confession.
Frank.
I just can't understand
why God would take her
away from me, Father.
Her family threw me out of the funeral.
My own family ridicules my pain.
Why, Father? Why?
It was God's will, and
she's in a better place.
But why?
Why, when we had just found each other?
Is God really so vengeful?
Why is he punishing me with this torment?
All right, ten Hail
Marys and light a candle.
Ten? Really? Just ten?
All right, 20. What the hell do you want?
Do you want me to tell you to flog yourself
with a cat-o'-nine-tails,
make you wear a hair shirt?
- What's a hair shirt?
- Oh, damn it, Frank.
It's not the Middle Ages,
and there's a line out there
for confession, so will
you please let other people
come in here and confess their sins?
Well, Jesus freaking Chr...
If a man can't find a little comfort
from the Catholic Church,
maybe it's time to admit
Martin Luther had a point.
Let's give the Lutherans a try.
Don't give me that look.
What could you possibly have to confess?
Your cooch dried up
before Nixon went to China.
[bell tolling]
[sighs]
[man] chanting in Latin
♪ hard rock music ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Spoonful of sugar ♪
[engine revving]
Yanis!
[engine revving]
Yanis!
[engine revving]
Yanis!
[engine revving]
[revving winds down]
Bike's a little loud. Can
you tone it down a bit?
People in the neighborhood
starting to complain.
Oh, yeah? What people? The lesbians?
Did you take the muffler off the bike?
Let me tell you something, Kev.
These dykes can't tell Yanis
Gregorian Papadiamantopoulos
what to do, okay?
They're always complaining.
Always complaining about my yard, my fence,
the color of my house, my dogs barking.
They're calling the cops.
These rich lesbo bitches
always up in everybody's business!
Yanis, what does their
sexual orientation have to do
with you taking the muffler off the bike?
Kev, my pit bulls can tell when a vagina
hasn't had a cock in it, okay?
That's why they bark.
Look, I know they're a pain in the ass,
but we need to figure
out a way to get along.
[mocking] "Oh, we got to figure out"...
Twenty-six years I've been in this house.
Twenty-six years, Ke... I fucked
my first girl in that house!
My mom died on the
toilet! Dead in that house!
Never any complaints from anybody!
Ever!
They call the cops one more time,
I'm gonna go over there,
I'm gonna rape-fuck
the dyke out of them until
they are begging for more Yanis!
All women beg for more Yanis.
[sighs]
[engine revving]
[bell dings]
That's a great color on you, Mrs. Timor.
Really brings out your
eyes. Let me refill that.
You can take it back to the site.
Slow down, girl, you're
gonna ruin our reputation
as a greasy spoon.
You gonna charge them for that?
Free refills, right?
I want to get half your tip.
And I want a pony for Christmas,
but I ain't gonna get it.
Can you get your brother to hurry up?
I've seen trees grow faster
than he's bussing that table.
Hey, you need to pick up the pace a bit.
Nobody's waiting. It's not a big deal.
It is a big deal. The boss is watching.
- [crashing]
- [people gasp]
♪ upbeat rock music ♪
Otis, stop!
It'll be fucking worth
it if I gotta catch you.
Damn it, Otis!
♪♪♪
[siren approaching]
[tires screeching]
- Stop! Hold it right there!
- [people gasp]
♪ Graveyard empty and
the book been closed ♪
♪ Don't pass the plate,
just put down the rose ♪
- [people gasp]
- Get off me!
♪ Gonna get out the valley
so the shadow don't grow ♪
Get off me!
Get the fuck off me, you pigs!
♪♪♪
Guess our reputation as
a shithole is still safe.
Ian, why don't you take your rag
and wipe that blood
and snot off the window?
♪♪♪
Looks like I'm gonna need
a new assistant manager.
♪ Well, look at what's
going down the river now ♪
♪ Big steam whistle
gonna blow, man, blow ♪
♪ Look at what's going
down the river now ♪
♪ Let the wheel stop
turning, let the anchor go ♪
♪ Showboat, pretty boat, stop awhile ♪
♪ Make a little music
for the baby to smile ♪
♪ Showboat, pretty boat, you and me ♪
♪ Gonna sail on down to the shiny sea ♪
♪♪♪
[no audible dialogue]
♪♪♪
♪ We go down to the field
to the sandy shore ♪
♪ Lay down the plow, leave
the milk in the cow ♪
♪ Down to the field
to the sandy shore ♪
♪ Just to look at what's
going down the river now ♪
♪ Master in the cabin
with his head hung low ♪
♪ Tide been a-turning
but the boat won't go ♪
♪ Hit rock bottom, left high and dry ♪
♪ Down in the delta where
the river runs high ♪
♪♪♪
[no audible dialogue]
[no audible dialogue]
[no audible dialogue]
[no audible dialogue]
I love Ben for a boy.
Or Catherine, depending.
Or both if we have twins!
I think we really need to
get our families together
to talk about the baby.
My mom and dad and your sister...
No, no, no, no.
Just not yet, okay?
I looked up Lamaze classes online.
There's one at the Y on Tuesdays.
We can do it together.
Look, I got to go.
I'm behind on my alignment
worksheet for auto.
Okay, just don't forget about
our appointment after school.
What?
Planned Parenthood, 4:00?
Right.
[person coughs]
[snoring]
[mouthing words]
[mouthing words]
Okay, uh, listen up.
Professor Youens has
been unavoidably detained,
uhh, so let's review chapter 26
in anticipation for
next Friday's test, okay?
Um...
that's, uh, differential equations, uh,
applied probability,
approximation theory,
asymptotic and variational methods.
Um...
okay, most of you were
lost on optimal polynomials
on the last quiz, uh, so
once you choose the degree
and domain of the polynomial,
the polynomial is chosen
to minimize your worst-case error,
so the goal here is...
to minimize the maximum probability
of P(x)-f(x),
where f(x) is the actual function here.
Uh, P(x) is the approximate polynomial.
X varies over the chosen intervals.
Now, for well-behaved functions,
there's always an Nth-degree polynomial...
take you to an error curve that oscillates
back and forth between...
positive epsilon and negative epsilon...
the value of N+2 times brings you back
to your error of epsilon.
Got it?
It's possible to make
contrived functions f(x),
for which no such polynomial exists,
but these rarely occur in practice.
Thank you, Mr. Gallagher.
[sighs]
Now...
who knows what Mr. Gallagher almost got to?
A Chebyshev polynomial approximation?
[rock music playing]
What the hell are you doing?
I bought some fancy empty
bottles from the bartender
at The James.
These idiots put so much
fruit and coffee and crap
into their cocktails,
I can serve them jet fuel.
They'd never know the difference.
Hi, uh, appletini.
No pussy drinks. Vodka only.
Uh, what about a negroni?
Grow testicles.
Vodka.
What'd I tell you? Classic, right?
[laughs] Uh, what about ice? Can I get ice?
It's $10.
Uh, it was $8 yesterday.
Twelve.
[sighs] This is so going on YouTube.
♪♪♪
Uh, my change?
My tip.
Spasibo.
[laughing] Fucking fantastic.
Spasibo.
Oh, shit. Yeah, cheers.
Jesus, twenty bucks and you
get to treat them like shit?
They love it.
They think it's authentic or some crap.
Hey, hey, hey, you know,
you should save that.
It's gonna be worth a mint
when they win the doubles
at the French Open.
Hey-o, Frank.
- The usual, barkeep.
- Still one a day, Frankie?
I got to say, I never thought
you'd be able to stick to it.
Six ounces every 24
hours. No more, no less.
I'm impressed in spite of my deep loathing
for you personally.
Just trying to keep it real, friend.
Good Lord only gave me two livers.
What's with all the lumberjacks?
Urban pioneers.
They overpay for drinks, like to be abused,
and love these curry muncher flicks.
I tell you gents about the love of my life?
- [groans]
- Beautiful, magical,
- pert-breasted, luminous...
- Damn it.
Yes, you've told us.
We get it. She had nice tits. Moving on.
- Shut the fuck up, Tommy.
- [laughs]
Sick fuck.
Evening, boys.
Howdy.
Those are good-looking work boots.
Thank you.
I recently experienced a tragedy.
I lost the love of my life,
a beautiful, magical,
pert-breasted, luminous soul
named Bian...
[camera shutter clicks]
[groans] Thanks.
Otis wasn't using. He was cooking.
Cops found over 100 crystals in his toilet.
His toilet?
Well, the... the tank.
It's a terrible place to hide your stash.
Past experience?
I was a connoisseur of
household stash spots.
Back of the toilet,
that's a rookie mistake.
It's the first place they look.
So no more Otis?
Yeah, I guess I'm gonna
have to find and train
a new assistant manager.
We really need one?
Unless you want me working
90-hour weeks, we do, yeah.
- Hey, you should do it.
- Do what?
The assistant manager gig.
You're organized, good with people.
No tips.
You should think about your future.
Get a little management
experience on your résumé
for when you're looking for your next job.
- Are you firing me?
- You offering Fiona Otis's job?
Uh, table four needs coffee, Melinda.
- What about me?
- What about you?
I've been here longer than her.
I'm gonna need somebody
who's dedicated to the job.
I'm dedicated.
I've been working in this
roach motel for nine years.
Yeah, you gonna work weekends and holidays?
Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving Day?
- I have a kid.
- Yeah, me too.
That's why the assistant manager
works Christmas and holidays.
You're just offering her the
job because she blows you.
I'm right here.
No.
I mean, it's a great side benefit.
You leave your order up under
that heat lamp any longer,
your tuna melt's gonna need sunscreen.
Think about that assistant manager thing.
You'd be great at it.
Did Professor Youens grade
my dynamical systems paper
or did you?
Uh...
Yeah, this was me.
I deserve way better than a D.
[scoffs] Uh...
No. No, no, no.
You... you plagiarized it, dude.
"Qualitative behavior of dynamical systems
or equations of motions
that are primarily mechanical
can impact solutions of
differential equation"...
You sound like a Nobel Laureate.
You know why you sound
like a Nobel Laureate?
Because you were. You
lifted it from Ketterle.
No, I didn't.
What, you want me to Google it?
All right, listen, rewrite
it in your own words,
hand it back to me tomorrow,
I'll only knock you down
one letter grade, all right?
Thanks.
He a friend?
No.
You could have had him expelled.
Yeah, well, the kid seemed
like he needed a break.
So you assumed the
decision on what to do next
was in your purview as
my teaching assistant?
Uh...
I don't think he's gonna do it again.
[sighs]
You...
should consider teaching.
- Teaching?
- Yeah.
The noble act of passing
on knowledge to hungry minds
starving for something to pull them out
of their shallow little Facebook worlds?
- I hear the pay kind of sucks.
- [sighs]
That your objective in life?
An unconscionably large paycheck?
Yeah, sounds all right to me.
Plus, you know, the
student loans are piling up.
[laughs]
Are you even intending to
repay your student loans?
Uh, no, no. Probably not.
So why not then use your
talents for something
more challenging than
managing a hedge fund portfolio
and paying off your Ferrari?
Think about it.
♪ light rock music ♪
[sighs]
♪♪♪
♪ How long now have I been here? ♪
♪ And how long will I stay? ♪
♪ Got a little more work to do ♪
♪ Before I'm on my way ♪
- ♪ Tying all my loose ends ♪
- Debbie.
♪ Still got debt to pay ♪
My boyfriend, Derek, the
baby's father, is running late.
Uh, when he gets here, can you
ask someone to send him back?
Sure, honey.
♪♪♪
♪ Before I get there ♪
♪ Before I show up ♪
♪ Before I'm somewhere ♪
♪ Before I grow up ♪
♪ I'll be here taking in right now ♪
♪ Till I'm ready to go ♪
♪♪♪
♪ When my time comes along to move on ♪
♪ Then I'll already know ♪
♪♪♪
[Fiona] Debs, did you get my text
about picking up hamburger buns?
Nah, it's me.
Carl!
Oh, my God!
Holy shit!
Hi! When did you get out?
- This morning.
- Why didn't you call?
Oh, Jesus, your hair.
Nice, huh?
Uh, it's different.
I thought you had another couple months.
Got out on good behavior.
Yo, what's up, my nigga?
Cracker.
[laughs]
Wow, your voice. It
dropped, like, two octaves.
Yeah, my testicles dropped too.
How'd you get home?
G-Dogg picked me up from Kewanee
this morning, drove me back up.
Are you hungry? You must be.
Nah, we hit Popeye's on the way back.
Could I have a friend sleep over?
Is it G-Dogg?
Nah, just a kid I met.
A kid? Sure.
That'd be great,
and we should have a party,
a... a welcome home party.
Right? The whole family.
- Yeah.
- Does that sound good?
Okay.
It's really great to have you home.
Yeah.
It's good to be home.
♪ rock music ♪
♪♪♪
[buzzer blares]
[no audible dialogue]
Say hi to Yevgeny like you care.
What's up, little man?
You're getting big.
You never know when they're watching.
Oh, what, that fat fuck?
Could give a shit, believe me.
All he's thinking about
is whether to have extra helpings
of kielbasa or pierogies
at his mom's tonight.
I got another job for you.
Joe Francetti, C block, 602.
They pay $2,500, but you
must stab him in the eye.
- Dead or blind?
- Doesn't matter.
- Either way.
- What's my cut?
Same as last time. Fifty/fifty.
He just gonna sit back
there the whole time?
Lots more jobs coming in.
We make a lot of money with you in here.
Fine, look, why don't you
take the milk sucker and scram?
I want to talk to Ian.
Hey. In the eye, yes?
- Yes.
- In the eye.
In the fucking eye. I got it.
Thanks for coming back.
Yeah.
Svetlana paid me.
You look good.
[chuckles]
Got a new tattoo.
Did it myself. Hurt like a son of a bitch.
Jesus.
It looks fucking infected.
Kind of hard to round up
a clean needle in here.
Gallagher's spelled with two Ls.
No, it's fucking not.
[laughs]
Fuck.
[laughs]
Been thinking about you.
You ever think of me?
Gonna wait for me?
[chuckles]
You're here for 15 years.
Yeah, but I'll be out in
eight with overcrowding, so...
You tried to kill my sister.
Half sister, one.
Two, like you give a shit.
Bitch had it coming,
calling fucking MPs on you.
[buzzer blares]
[guard] Time to wrap it up.
Will you?
Wait?
[guard] Let's go. Move it in.
Fucking lie if you have to, man.
Eight years is a long time.
Yeah.
Yeah, Mickey, I'll wait.
♪ light rock music ♪
♪ Hello ♪
♪♪♪
Heh-hey.
- What are you doing home, huh?
- Yo.
♪♪♪
No 40-year-old professor
coochie on the menu tonight, bro?
Hey, you know about that?
Dude, you've been sneaking her
in here a couple times a week.
I heard she might be fucing somebody new.
Oh, yeah? Where'd you hear that?
Around.
Hey,
probably just a rumor, you know,
but you should definitely be lining up
some age-appropriate dorm snatch.
Have it in your pocket for when, uh,
Professor Kinky bails on you.
[doorbell ringing]
Hi, Mrs. D. Is Derek here?
No, sorry.
Uh, we were supposed to meet
someplace kind of important
today, but he never showed up.
I tried calling him, but
I guess his phone's off.
Can I leave a message for him to
call me back when he gets here?
He's not coming back.
Wh... what?
His father took him to the airport.
He's moving to Florida to
live with his grandmother.
You won't be hearing
from him again, Debbie.
I'm... I'm sorry.
Wait, what?
♪ hard rock music ♪
What?
♪♪♪
He can't go to Florida!
He can't go to Florida!
He's the father of my child!
♪♪♪
I'm carrying your grandchild!
♪♪♪
[hip-hop music playing on TV]
♪ Cook a meal, clean, and
she suck me like a vacuum ♪
♪ Took a vacation to the county ♪
Fourteen and already a
convicted drug trafficker.
I got to tell you, son...
♪ Smoking on the gateway ♪
I couldn't be prouder.
I hope hopes for Lip, but
with him in college now
and this one punching a clock,
I was afraid none of my sons
were gonna follow me
into the family business.
[chuckles]
♪ That was strange, though ♪
- I love you.
- Ignore him.
No, it's important that you know that.
I really love you.
Sure, Frank.
♪ Living like I'm 16 ♪
Call me Dad.
♪ Damn, bitch ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's... ♪
Which nobody can deny.
♪ Which nobody can deny ♪
[Kev chuckles]
[sighs] That's all they had left.
[blows]
- Hey.
- All right.
- These my eggs?
- Mm-hmm.
He didn't even make a wish.
So, Carl...
a lot of the kids in there
having to take it up the ass to survive?
- Kevin.
- What?
That's what everybody's thinking, right?
[doorbell rings]
Mm. That's my sleepover.
He didn't answer.
♪ heavy hip-hop music ♪
This is Nick.
Holy shit.
[Carl] All right, I'll show
you around the crib later.
Let's hit up the boys first.
Carl.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks for the party.
Good seeing you all.
Great to be home.
Later.
♪♪♪
Well, I guess he won't
mind if I eat his eggs.
And we can still have our date.
Fishing?
Sure. I'll get my jacket.
♪ upbeat rock music ♪
Fishing?
♪ Hey ♪
♪ And as a matter of fact ♪
♪ There's a time and a place ♪
♪ We can both trace back to ♪
♪ Maybe a concert hall
playing rock and roll ♪
♪ Or a hole in the wall too ♪
How much did you have to pay
your friend to let us in here?
Oh. [Laughs] Nothing.
I was holding for him one
time when I was busted,
and I didn't rat him out.
Lance owes me big-time.
[grunts]
[sighs]
You thought any more about
that assistant manager job?
- [groans]
- What?
I don't know. Management?
Wouldn't everybody hate me?
Well, everyone doesn't hate me.
Sure, they do.
[chuckles]
Everybody hates their boss.
That's, like, part of the
all-American birthright.
It's life, liberty, the
pursuit of happiness,
and hating the fucking asshole
that you have to work for.
Well, you already have a felony conviction,
and people are gonna be
reluctant to give you a chance,
but with a little management
experience on your résumé...
[scoffs]
it'll make that next job easier to get.
Yeah, doing what?
I don't know. Sales.
You can run an office or
work at the Midas Muffler shop
or the Carpet Warehouse.
A muffler shop?
Well...
you'd really be helping me out.
There's nobody I trust more.
♪ light guitar music ♪
- Okay, I'll do it.
- [chuckles] Really?
Don't make me think about it for too long.
- Okay.
- I'll back out.
[laughing] Okay.
Yeah, okay. Great.
[scoffs]
[whispering] This is fucking stupid.
[dog barking in distance]
Yo.
Did you fuck her?
- What?
- Did you fuck her?
♪ dramatic guitar music ♪
[grunts]
♪♪♪
[yells]
♪ dramatic rock music ♪
♪♪♪
[both grunting]
Shit! Stop!
Fucking stop!
Shit!
What's wrong with you?
Stay away from her! You
stay the fuck away from her!
Stay away from who?
From her! From Helene!
[yelling] From my mom?
Huh?
Stay away from my mom?
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪♪♪
Get the fuck...
get the fuck out of here.
Fuck.
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪♪♪
Making a bed for Nick.
Wouldn't he be more
comfortable on the couch?
Likes the floor.
Was in solitary for, like, a year.
Can't sleep in a bed.
I'll be right there, Nick.
He likes me to have
his back in the showers.
Makes him feel safe.
He doesn't know any better.
He's been in juvie since he was nine.
What was he in for?
He set his dad on fire.
Accidentally?
I don't think so.
Otherwise they wouldn't have been able
to charge him with murder.
- How old is he?
- Eighteen.
Had to let him out 'cause of his birthday.
He was living on the streets.
Said he could crash at my crib.
He's my brother from another mother.
You feel? We're tight.
[water rushing]
Don't forget to take your meds.
[knocks on door] Debbie?
[Debbie] Go away, Fiona.
What's up? Are you okay?
Just go away, Fiona.
Please.
♪ light guitar music ♪
You know you can always
talk to me if you need to.
♪♪♪
[sniffles]
[sniffles]
[sniffles]
♪♪♪
♪ I said stop ♪
♪♪♪
♪ I'm in my head ♪
♪♪♪
♪ I've been down ♪
♪♪♪
It was so hot.
You were sweating,
and you had all that
salt on your upper lip.
Mm-hmm.
I licked it off.
You loved that, didn't you?
[sprinkler clicking]
My God, I love you.
What?
You crazy kook.
[laughs]
You're gonna get us in trouble.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
[chuckles]
You keep quiet, okay?
No yelling or anything like that.
I love how lusty you are.
You ready?
Oh, my God, I love your breasts.
♪♪♪
Oh, baby. [Moaning]
Oh, it's so good.
[grunts]
Mm.
Oh, God.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, baby.
It's so good.
Mm-hmm.
[moans]
Oh, God.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, no, no, no.
You get on top.
Love it when you're on top.
Oh, God, baby.
Yeah.
I like to feel your breasts.
Your beautiful breasts.
Oh, God, yes.
Oh, God, baby.
You a sick fuck, Gallagher!
Get the hell out of my cemetery!
I warned you! Didn't I warn you?
I warned your dumb ass!
Get your ass out of my cemetery!
You crazy motherfucker!
Get the hell out of here!
Fuck you! Jesus!
Get out of here! I hope you rot in hell!
♪♪♪
[knocking]
[louder knocking]
All right.
[knocking]
- You beat up Dylan?
- Shh. I didn't know...
- You beat up my son?
- I didn't know he was your son!
- Are you out of your mind?
- Professor? Tiffany Thomas.
Yeah, I was in your Intro
to Ethics last semester.
What were you doing coming over
to my house without calling?
- I didn't know who he was.
- Okay, but what were you doing?
Were you spying on me? Are you insane?
You have no right to be anywhere
near my family or my house.
I know.
Yeah, you're right. It was stupid.
I'm... I'm really...
[sighs] I'm really sorry.
[sighs]
[breathing heavily]
Is Dylan okay or...
He will be.
He's a tough kid.
He wrestles at Yale.
Oh, Jesus.
[sighs]
His right eye is pretty swollen.
- Says you hit hard.
- Yeah, he hits hard.
I mean, I think he nearly
broke a rib or something.
[sighs]
♪♪♪
You know, I thought your son
was, like, ten,
off in prep school or something.
[scoffs]
♪♪♪
Tiffany Thomas?
Yeah, I know.
Guess I was... I was feeling
a little sorry for myself.
Did you remember her from class?
Not really very memorable.
Is she?
♪♪♪
[gasps] Oh.
What are you doing, Frank?
I'm just watching you sleep.
Oh, Jesus Christ, you're
really starting to creep me out.
Are you looking out for yourself?
Doing breast self-exams?
You know, cancer can sneak up on you.
[Carl] Fiona!
Why are you wet?
Oh, a misunderstanding with the landscaper.
I'm gonna take a shower
in a minute, get warm.
[Carl] Fiona!
♪ hip-hop music ♪
♪♪♪
[Carl] Fiona!
♪♪♪
Fiona!
[yelling] What?
Stop yelling.
[sighs] Can I help you?
Are you Fiona?
Yup.
We're Derek's parents.
Debbie's friend Derek.
We'd like to talk to you about the baby.
What baby?
Derek and Debbie's baby.
♪ rock music ♪
♪♪♪
Holy shit. What else did I miss?
♪♪♪
What?
Nice panties.
They help me feel closer to her.
♪♪♪
[scoffs] You've got to be kidding me.
You don't remember what
happened to us last season?
What are you, some kind of fucking idiot?
♪ rock music ♪
- [Liam] You got married?
- [Fiona] Yeah.
Well, are you happy, or...
Gus seems like a good guy.
Something is going on
with us. We both know it.
[Sean] Well, I don't
want to be that shithead
who's sleeping with some nice guy's wife.
What if Gus and I split up?
♪♪♪
I think I'm falling in love
with one of my professors.
Helene... you know, she
knows what she wants.
She doesn't second-guess herself.
It's really sexy.
See if it's safe to leave?
♪♪♪
- I want to have sex with you.
- We don't need that.
- I'm on the pill.
- Cool.
[Fiona] You can't have a boy in your bed.
- You do.
- I'm a grown-up.
[Debbie] I'm pregnant.
[Fiona] Are you sure?
Oh, shit.
Why are you taping horse to my tummy?
'Cause I'm your uncle,
and you do what I say.
- [dog barking]
- Carl?
[Gaither] I sentence you to the maximum:
one year at the Illinois
Department of Corrections
Juvenile Justice Division.
Don't you worry.
No one's gonna mess with you again.
Let's do this.
Whoo!
- What the hell happened?
- He's crazy. He steal baby.
[eard] Bipolar one, acute mania
with psychotic features.
- This means...
- No, we know what it means.
I hate the meds. You
gonna make me take them?
You get fucking nuts when you don't.
You can't fix me, 'cause I'm not broken.
I don't need to be fixed, okay?
This is you breaking up with me.
[Sammi] Mickey.
Holy shit.
[gunshot]
Fuck you!
[both yelling indistinctly]
[siren wails]
That can't be good.
Oh, I need a drink.
What's the occasion?
Cancer.
I've seen what chemo does to a body.
It's not a battle. That's a lost cause.
Dying is lonely. We know that.
Doesn't have to be.
Thank you.
[Frank] For what?
[Bianca] You've made me happy.
[Frank] Bianca!
[waves lapping]
♪ rock music ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so sure of? ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Round up the friends you got ♪
♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ You were willing once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so sure of? ♪
[sprinkler clicking]
♪ somber guitar music ♪
♪♪♪
♪ mellow rock music ♪
♪♪♪
Hey.
Hey!
Hey!
[sighs]
Come on, man.
We talked about this.
Look, I'm sorry for your loss,
but you can't keep sleeping here.
Look, you need to get
on with your life, man.
That's what your daughter would've wanted.
She wasn't my daughter.
She was the love of my life.
My sun, my moon,
my dusk, my dawn.
The spring in my step,
the syrup on my waffle...
the Tootsie in my pop.
Look, man, I got a grave
to dig right over there,
and you can't be here when
the funeral party shows up.
Have a good day, my love.
I'll see you tonight.
[whimpers]
[hip-hop ringtone playing]
♪ Hip-hop ♪
♪ Gonna live ♪
[groans]
Time to get up, old man.
♪ upbeat rock music ♪
♪♪♪
- [light knock on door]
- [Debbie] Occupied!
♪♪♪
Time for work.
Don't forget to take your meds.
[growls and smooches]
Up and at them, Bean.
[Debbie] Ugh, use the downstairs toilet
if you're so fucking desperate.
We got to be at the clinic before 8:00
or we're gonna be waiting all day.
We're doing this today, Debs.
We got to know for sure one way or another.
Debbie.
[Debbie] I heard you.
Is she gonna go?
Oh, she's going.
How are you today, Mrs. P-fender?
The P is silent, and stop calling me that.
You're still married, though, right?
Separated.
- Sounds like a "yes."
- [chuckles]
You're the one sleeping
with a married woman.
What's that make you?
Lucky.
♪♪♪
♪ Oh, eh ♪
Frank's gonna burn the house down.
♪ I'm never gonna feel,
go and take my soul ♪
♪ Keep protecting what is good ♪
Go away! Oh, my God.
♪ The only thing that's on my mind ♪
♪ Yeah, you're looking all around ♪
♪ All across the land ♪
♪ Now you're never, ever,
ever gonna understand ♪
♪♪♪
Don't you have to open today?
- [groans]
- What is he doing?
- Weeping, I think.
- Are you weeping again, Frank?
It's called mourning a
loved one taken too soon.
- You want a lift to work?
- No.
Your shift starts in half an hour.
Meds?
Yes, Mom.
I'm not your mother. I'm just concerned.
Did you take them?
[gasps] Fuck, Frank.
I love you.
I... I just want you to
know I'm... I love you.
I ever tell you about the time
I caught an octopus on the reef
outside of our hut and Bianca cooked it
on an open fire right on the beach?
- Yes.
- Yes.
And the funny little sneeze she
would do when she was asleep?
[all imitate Bianca's sneeze]
- Debs, I love you.
- Jesus.
I just... I want you to know that.
Go away, Frank.
You almost ready to go, Debs?
- I'm eating.
- Well, eat faster.
We got to drop Liam
off at pre-K on the way.
Has anyone seen my black armband?
She's dead, Frank.
She...
Jesus.
What's the matter with you people?
She was my soul mate.
She probably killed herself
just to get away from you.
Can I borrow five bucks?
No.
- Debs?
- For what?
I... I want to light a candle for Bianca
at the foot of the blessed.
No.
I hope someday you two
have the precious gift
of feeling what I felt for
that beautiful young woman...
[sobs]... and then to have that
love stolen cruelly from you
by a pitiless God, and
then maybe, just maybe,
you'll remember this day
and your father's anguish
and you'll be ashamed
of the lack of compassion
you showed him in his time of need.
I love you, my little brown banana.
I just want you to know. [Sobs]
I don't know how much
more of that I can take
before I stab him in the neck
with a broken beer bottle.
- What are you smiling about?
- I'm happy.
- Can't I be happy?
- No, not about this.
There's absolutely no reason
to be happy about this.
Drugs.
- Are you high?
- No.
- [switchblade clicks]
- [gasps]
Fuck. Where did you get that?
From Carl's pillow.
Probably has a pipe bomb
stashed in there somewhere too.
We should go visit him this weekend.
- No, thank you.
- Why not?
- [Debbie] Busy.
- Doing what?
Living my life away from my
degenerate criminal brother
who keeps a switchblade in his pillow.
Go. Work.
Can't be late again.
You ready, Debs?
Come on.
Hey, Debs.
Ooh.
Debbie.
I love you.
[laughing] I just want you to know
I really, really love you.
[laughs]
♪ guitar chord ♪
♪♪♪
Hi.
Hey.
I thought you were gonna set the alarm.
No, I lied.
- I have a class.
- Yeah, me too.
[sighs] Neo-Marxist philosophy
of the Frankfurt School,
Adorno and Fromm.
Mm. I love Adorno.
[laughs] You don't even
know who Adorno was.
Theodoro Adorno,
Negative Dialectics,
Minima Moralia.
Now, Adorno advanced a
dialectical conception
of natural history
that critiqued the twin temptations
of ontology and empiricism
through studies of Kierkegaard and Husserl.
You remembered that.
I had an excellent professor.
[sighs]
No, stay.
I can't be responsible for
impeding your academic growth.
[sighs] Professor Youens won't care.
He doesn't show up half the time.
Well, then you teach.
That's what teacher's assistants are for.
What, to fill in for absent professors?
To teach survey courses to business majors
who don't give a damn.
Oh, he doesn't teach survey courses.
Applied mathematics and particle dynamics
for physics majors.
He still drinking his breakfast?
No, he's usually still
hammered from the night before.
You know, two fluid dynamics majors
reported him to the Dean.
Think he's gonna get himself fired.
Oh, nobody's firing Dr. Youens.
He's a member of the
National Academy of Sciences.
He's been short-listed for
the Fields Prize four times.
Not to mention he
literally wrote the textbook
he teaches from.
Hey, can I come over tonight?
No.
Why?
I'm busy.
Doing what? [Kiss]
♪ dramatic rock music ♪
♪♪♪
Gallagher.
Here.
You're coming?
- You don't want me to?
- Not really. [Chuckles]
Is that okay? She's only 15.
It's your daughter's choice.
- Sister.
- Sister.
Thanks, but I'll be okay.
Great. I'll just wait here.
[knocking]
[breathing heavily]
[doorbell rings]
Kev.
Kev.
[exclaims] What?
Door.
[doorbell rings]
♪ intense music ♪
[baby crying]
- [Kev] It's okay. It's okay.
- [doorbell rings]
Baby, go back to sleep.
It's just some idiot pounding on the door.
[knocking]
♪♪♪
[doorbell rings]
[knocking]
Shit, I'm coming!
[knocking, doorbell ringing]
- Oh, good morning.
- Holy shit.
What is with the doorbell? Somebody dying?
We have a petition for you to sign.
We are collecting signatures
to force the police
to do something about the noise.
- [engine revving]
- What noise?
- You don't hear that?
- Every morning?
- We've asked him nicely.
- Begged numerous times.
We've called the police.
[sighs] It's the ghetto.
Lots of noises in the ghetto.
Automatic gunfire, people
begging for their lives.
Okay, it's not the ghetto; it's our home,
and that Turkish idiot
is doing this on purpose
- because we asked...
- Asked nicely.
that he remove that rusting car
and rotting sofa from his yard.
Well, first of all, Yanis isn't Turkish.
He's Greek
or Albanian or something,
and that's a Ford Fairlane
he's trying to fix up.
What is going on?
They want Yanis to clean up his yard.
And stop the motorcycle noise.
They have a petition they want us to sign.
- A what?
- Sign here.
Look, I know Yanis pretty well.
Let me talk to him first, all right?
Let me... we don't want
things to get dramatic.
Let me see what I can do, okay?
Okay?
Okay.
♪♪♪
Forty-five,
46,
47,
48,
49.
- Gallagher.
- Fifty.
Ready to go?
♪ guitar music ♪
♪♪♪
Peace out.
Peace. Yo.
Deuces, fam.
Yo.
- Deuces.
- White boy Carl!
[all chanting] White
boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
♪♪♪
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
White boy Carl! White boy Carl!
♪♪♪
On the door.
[buzzer blares]
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪♪♪
- So it's positive.
- So we're pregnant?
Would you like to discuss
your options going forward?
Oh, no. No, no, thank you.
We're having this baby.
[child laughs]
You're not pregnant?
I'm not.
[sighs]
Are you okay?
It's for the best, Debs.
Come on, let's get jelly doughnuts
before I drop you off at school.
[toddler babbling]
Come on.
[knocks on window]
Professor?
Professor Youens?
Hey.
Morning.
Holy shit Is that a new scratch?
It didn't look like that yesterday?
No, I don't think so.
Is there any blood or bits of
clothing stuck in the grille?
- Nope.
- [sighs]
Good rule of thumb, Philip:
you start sideswiping cars,
it's time to pull over and park.
[gasps] Boss Tweed cometh.
How do I look?
Honestly, like shit.
[sighs]
♪♪♪
Morning, Dean.
Glorious morning, wouldn't you say?
Go, thee witch.
Your virginity breeds mites,
much like a cheese.
♪♪♪
One short stack with sausage,
two over easy with bacon,
hash browns, and a side of Texas toast.
Does Debbie seem okay?
She was actually disappointed. Jesus.
It was all I could do not
to start dancing the Nae Nae
in the middle of the waiting room.
- She's in love.
- She's 15.
She's got all those hormones
slamming around in her body
screaming, "Procreate!"
Fucing Otis, he won't pick up the phone.
- How late is he?
- Over an hour.
Again.
Otis, man, what the hell? Come on.
Seriously, you got to get here on time.
I got held up. I'm sorry.
No, sorry's not gonna cut
it. You're assistant manager.
- Get your ass here on time.
- All right.
I think Otis is using again.
Hey, Otis, you using again?
- No.
- There you go.
Ian. We go see Mickey today.
Hey, Yevgeny. No, thank you.
I told you I'm not gonna see him again.
But he won't see me if you don't come.
Well, I'm done with that part of my life.
I pay you.
How much?
- Twenty-five.
- [scoffs]
Okay, $50.
Do you want to go fishing tonight?
Hmm?
Date night. Fishing.
- Fishing?
- Yeah.
Come on, you're gonna love it.
[bell tolling]
Jesus.
Uh, excuse me.
I'm... I'm late for work,
and you all look like
you haven't had gainful
employment for decades,
so if you don't mind, I'll just, um...
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been 23 hours
since my last confession.
Frank.
I just can't understand
why God would take her
away from me, Father.
Her family threw me out of the funeral.
My own family ridicules my pain.
Why, Father? Why?
It was God's will, and
she's in a better place.
But why?
Why, when we had just found each other?
Is God really so vengeful?
Why is he punishing me with this torment?
All right, ten Hail
Marys and light a candle.
Ten? Really? Just ten?
All right, 20. What the hell do you want?
Do you want me to tell you to flog yourself
with a cat-o'-nine-tails,
make you wear a hair shirt?
- What's a hair shirt?
- Oh, damn it, Frank.
It's not the Middle Ages,
and there's a line out there
for confession, so will
you please let other people
come in here and confess their sins?
Well, Jesus freaking Chr...
If a man can't find a little comfort
from the Catholic Church,
maybe it's time to admit
Martin Luther had a point.
Let's give the Lutherans a try.
Don't give me that look.
What could you possibly have to confess?
Your cooch dried up
before Nixon went to China.
[bell tolling]
[sighs]
[man] chanting in Latin
♪ hard rock music ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Spoonful of sugar ♪
[engine revving]
Yanis!
[engine revving]
Yanis!
[engine revving]
Yanis!
[engine revving]
[revving winds down]
Bike's a little loud. Can
you tone it down a bit?
People in the neighborhood
starting to complain.
Oh, yeah? What people? The lesbians?
Did you take the muffler off the bike?
Let me tell you something, Kev.
These dykes can't tell Yanis
Gregorian Papadiamantopoulos
what to do, okay?
They're always complaining.
Always complaining about my yard, my fence,
the color of my house, my dogs barking.
They're calling the cops.
These rich lesbo bitches
always up in everybody's business!
Yanis, what does their
sexual orientation have to do
with you taking the muffler off the bike?
Kev, my pit bulls can tell when a vagina
hasn't had a cock in it, okay?
That's why they bark.
Look, I know they're a pain in the ass,
but we need to figure
out a way to get along.
[mocking] "Oh, we got to figure out"...
Twenty-six years I've been in this house.
Twenty-six years, Ke... I fucked
my first girl in that house!
My mom died on the
toilet! Dead in that house!
Never any complaints from anybody!
Ever!
They call the cops one more time,
I'm gonna go over there,
I'm gonna rape-fuck
the dyke out of them until
they are begging for more Yanis!
All women beg for more Yanis.
[sighs]
[engine revving]
[bell dings]
That's a great color on you, Mrs. Timor.
Really brings out your
eyes. Let me refill that.
You can take it back to the site.
Slow down, girl, you're
gonna ruin our reputation
as a greasy spoon.
You gonna charge them for that?
Free refills, right?
I want to get half your tip.
And I want a pony for Christmas,
but I ain't gonna get it.
Can you get your brother to hurry up?
I've seen trees grow faster
than he's bussing that table.
Hey, you need to pick up the pace a bit.
Nobody's waiting. It's not a big deal.
It is a big deal. The boss is watching.
- [crashing]
- [people gasp]
♪ upbeat rock music ♪
Otis, stop!
It'll be fucking worth
it if I gotta catch you.
Damn it, Otis!
♪♪♪
[siren approaching]
[tires screeching]
- Stop! Hold it right there!
- [people gasp]
♪ Graveyard empty and
the book been closed ♪
♪ Don't pass the plate,
just put down the rose ♪
- [people gasp]
- Get off me!
♪ Gonna get out the valley
so the shadow don't grow ♪
Get off me!
Get the fuck off me, you pigs!
♪♪♪
Guess our reputation as
a shithole is still safe.
Ian, why don't you take your rag
and wipe that blood
and snot off the window?
♪♪♪
Looks like I'm gonna need
a new assistant manager.
♪ Well, look at what's
going down the river now ♪
♪ Big steam whistle
gonna blow, man, blow ♪
♪ Look at what's going
down the river now ♪
♪ Let the wheel stop
turning, let the anchor go ♪
♪ Showboat, pretty boat, stop awhile ♪
♪ Make a little music
for the baby to smile ♪
♪ Showboat, pretty boat, you and me ♪
♪ Gonna sail on down to the shiny sea ♪
♪♪♪
[no audible dialogue]
♪♪♪
♪ We go down to the field
to the sandy shore ♪
♪ Lay down the plow, leave
the milk in the cow ♪
♪ Down to the field
to the sandy shore ♪
♪ Just to look at what's
going down the river now ♪
♪ Master in the cabin
with his head hung low ♪
♪ Tide been a-turning
but the boat won't go ♪
♪ Hit rock bottom, left high and dry ♪
♪ Down in the delta where
the river runs high ♪
♪♪♪
[no audible dialogue]
[no audible dialogue]
[no audible dialogue]
[no audible dialogue]
I love Ben for a boy.
Or Catherine, depending.
Or both if we have twins!
I think we really need to
get our families together
to talk about the baby.
My mom and dad and your sister...
No, no, no, no.
Just not yet, okay?
I looked up Lamaze classes online.
There's one at the Y on Tuesdays.
We can do it together.
Look, I got to go.
I'm behind on my alignment
worksheet for auto.
Okay, just don't forget about
our appointment after school.
What?
Planned Parenthood, 4:00?
Right.
[person coughs]
[snoring]
[mouthing words]
[mouthing words]
Okay, uh, listen up.
Professor Youens has
been unavoidably detained,
uhh, so let's review chapter 26
in anticipation for
next Friday's test, okay?
Um...
that's, uh, differential equations, uh,
applied probability,
approximation theory,
asymptotic and variational methods.
Um...
okay, most of you were
lost on optimal polynomials
on the last quiz, uh, so
once you choose the degree
and domain of the polynomial,
the polynomial is chosen
to minimize your worst-case error,
so the goal here is...
to minimize the maximum probability
of P(x)-f(x),
where f(x) is the actual function here.
Uh, P(x) is the approximate polynomial.
X varies over the chosen intervals.
Now, for well-behaved functions,
there's always an Nth-degree polynomial...
take you to an error curve that oscillates
back and forth between...
positive epsilon and negative epsilon...
the value of N+2 times brings you back
to your error of epsilon.
Got it?
It's possible to make
contrived functions f(x),
for which no such polynomial exists,
but these rarely occur in practice.
Thank you, Mr. Gallagher.
[sighs]
Now...
who knows what Mr. Gallagher almost got to?
A Chebyshev polynomial approximation?
[rock music playing]
What the hell are you doing?
I bought some fancy empty
bottles from the bartender
at The James.
These idiots put so much
fruit and coffee and crap
into their cocktails,
I can serve them jet fuel.
They'd never know the difference.
Hi, uh, appletini.
No pussy drinks. Vodka only.
Uh, what about a negroni?
Grow testicles.
Vodka.
What'd I tell you? Classic, right?
[laughs] Uh, what about ice? Can I get ice?
It's $10.
Uh, it was $8 yesterday.
Twelve.
[sighs] This is so going on YouTube.
♪♪♪
Uh, my change?
My tip.
Spasibo.
[laughing] Fucking fantastic.
Spasibo.
Oh, shit. Yeah, cheers.
Jesus, twenty bucks and you
get to treat them like shit?
They love it.
They think it's authentic or some crap.
Hey, hey, hey, you know,
you should save that.
It's gonna be worth a mint
when they win the doubles
at the French Open.
Hey-o, Frank.
- The usual, barkeep.
- Still one a day, Frankie?
I got to say, I never thought
you'd be able to stick to it.
Six ounces every 24
hours. No more, no less.
I'm impressed in spite of my deep loathing
for you personally.
Just trying to keep it real, friend.
Good Lord only gave me two livers.
What's with all the lumberjacks?
Urban pioneers.
They overpay for drinks, like to be abused,
and love these curry muncher flicks.
I tell you gents about the love of my life?
- [groans]
- Beautiful, magical,
- pert-breasted, luminous...
- Damn it.
Yes, you've told us.
We get it. She had nice tits. Moving on.
- Shut the fuck up, Tommy.
- [laughs]
Sick fuck.
Evening, boys.
Howdy.
Those are good-looking work boots.
Thank you.
I recently experienced a tragedy.
I lost the love of my life,
a beautiful, magical,
pert-breasted, luminous soul
named Bian...
[camera shutter clicks]
[groans] Thanks.
Otis wasn't using. He was cooking.
Cops found over 100 crystals in his toilet.
His toilet?
Well, the... the tank.
It's a terrible place to hide your stash.
Past experience?
I was a connoisseur of
household stash spots.
Back of the toilet,
that's a rookie mistake.
It's the first place they look.
So no more Otis?
Yeah, I guess I'm gonna
have to find and train
a new assistant manager.
We really need one?
Unless you want me working
90-hour weeks, we do, yeah.
- Hey, you should do it.
- Do what?
The assistant manager gig.
You're organized, good with people.
No tips.
You should think about your future.
Get a little management
experience on your résumé
for when you're looking for your next job.
- Are you firing me?
- You offering Fiona Otis's job?
Uh, table four needs coffee, Melinda.
- What about me?
- What about you?
I've been here longer than her.
I'm gonna need somebody
who's dedicated to the job.
I'm dedicated.
I've been working in this
roach motel for nine years.
Yeah, you gonna work weekends and holidays?
Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving Day?
- I have a kid.
- Yeah, me too.
That's why the assistant manager
works Christmas and holidays.
You're just offering her the
job because she blows you.
I'm right here.
No.
I mean, it's a great side benefit.
You leave your order up under
that heat lamp any longer,
your tuna melt's gonna need sunscreen.
Think about that assistant manager thing.
You'd be great at it.
Did Professor Youens grade
my dynamical systems paper
or did you?
Uh...
Yeah, this was me.
I deserve way better than a D.
[scoffs] Uh...
No. No, no, no.
You... you plagiarized it, dude.
"Qualitative behavior of dynamical systems
or equations of motions
that are primarily mechanical
can impact solutions of
differential equation"...
You sound like a Nobel Laureate.
You know why you sound
like a Nobel Laureate?
Because you were. You
lifted it from Ketterle.
No, I didn't.
What, you want me to Google it?
All right, listen, rewrite
it in your own words,
hand it back to me tomorrow,
I'll only knock you down
one letter grade, all right?
Thanks.
He a friend?
No.
You could have had him expelled.
Yeah, well, the kid seemed
like he needed a break.
So you assumed the
decision on what to do next
was in your purview as
my teaching assistant?
Uh...
I don't think he's gonna do it again.
[sighs]
You...
should consider teaching.
- Teaching?
- Yeah.
The noble act of passing
on knowledge to hungry minds
starving for something to pull them out
of their shallow little Facebook worlds?
- I hear the pay kind of sucks.
- [sighs]
That your objective in life?
An unconscionably large paycheck?
Yeah, sounds all right to me.
Plus, you know, the
student loans are piling up.
[laughs]
Are you even intending to
repay your student loans?
Uh, no, no. Probably not.
So why not then use your
talents for something
more challenging than
managing a hedge fund portfolio
and paying off your Ferrari?
Think about it.
♪ light rock music ♪
[sighs]
♪♪♪
♪ How long now have I been here? ♪
♪ And how long will I stay? ♪
♪ Got a little more work to do ♪
♪ Before I'm on my way ♪
- ♪ Tying all my loose ends ♪
- Debbie.
♪ Still got debt to pay ♪
My boyfriend, Derek, the
baby's father, is running late.
Uh, when he gets here, can you
ask someone to send him back?
Sure, honey.
♪♪♪
♪ Before I get there ♪
♪ Before I show up ♪
♪ Before I'm somewhere ♪
♪ Before I grow up ♪
♪ I'll be here taking in right now ♪
♪ Till I'm ready to go ♪
♪♪♪
♪ When my time comes along to move on ♪
♪ Then I'll already know ♪
♪♪♪
[Fiona] Debs, did you get my text
about picking up hamburger buns?
Nah, it's me.
Carl!
Oh, my God!
Holy shit!
Hi! When did you get out?
- This morning.
- Why didn't you call?
Oh, Jesus, your hair.
Nice, huh?
Uh, it's different.
I thought you had another couple months.
Got out on good behavior.
Yo, what's up, my nigga?
Cracker.
[laughs]
Wow, your voice. It
dropped, like, two octaves.
Yeah, my testicles dropped too.
How'd you get home?
G-Dogg picked me up from Kewanee
this morning, drove me back up.
Are you hungry? You must be.
Nah, we hit Popeye's on the way back.
Could I have a friend sleep over?
Is it G-Dogg?
Nah, just a kid I met.
A kid? Sure.
That'd be great,
and we should have a party,
a... a welcome home party.
Right? The whole family.
- Yeah.
- Does that sound good?
Okay.
It's really great to have you home.
Yeah.
It's good to be home.
♪ rock music ♪
♪♪♪
[buzzer blares]
[no audible dialogue]
Say hi to Yevgeny like you care.
What's up, little man?
You're getting big.
You never know when they're watching.
Oh, what, that fat fuck?
Could give a shit, believe me.
All he's thinking about
is whether to have extra helpings
of kielbasa or pierogies
at his mom's tonight.
I got another job for you.
Joe Francetti, C block, 602.
They pay $2,500, but you
must stab him in the eye.
- Dead or blind?
- Doesn't matter.
- Either way.
- What's my cut?
Same as last time. Fifty/fifty.
He just gonna sit back
there the whole time?
Lots more jobs coming in.
We make a lot of money with you in here.
Fine, look, why don't you
take the milk sucker and scram?
I want to talk to Ian.
Hey. In the eye, yes?
- Yes.
- In the eye.
In the fucking eye. I got it.
Thanks for coming back.
Yeah.
Svetlana paid me.
You look good.
[chuckles]
Got a new tattoo.
Did it myself. Hurt like a son of a bitch.
Jesus.
It looks fucking infected.
Kind of hard to round up
a clean needle in here.
Gallagher's spelled with two Ls.
No, it's fucking not.
[laughs]
Fuck.
[laughs]
Been thinking about you.
You ever think of me?
Gonna wait for me?
[chuckles]
You're here for 15 years.
Yeah, but I'll be out in
eight with overcrowding, so...
You tried to kill my sister.
Half sister, one.
Two, like you give a shit.
Bitch had it coming,
calling fucking MPs on you.
[buzzer blares]
[guard] Time to wrap it up.
Will you?
Wait?
[guard] Let's go. Move it in.
Fucking lie if you have to, man.
Eight years is a long time.
Yeah.
Yeah, Mickey, I'll wait.
♪ light rock music ♪
♪ Hello ♪
♪♪♪
Heh-hey.
- What are you doing home, huh?
- Yo.
♪♪♪
No 40-year-old professor
coochie on the menu tonight, bro?
Hey, you know about that?
Dude, you've been sneaking her
in here a couple times a week.
I heard she might be fucing somebody new.
Oh, yeah? Where'd you hear that?
Around.
Hey,
probably just a rumor, you know,
but you should definitely be lining up
some age-appropriate dorm snatch.
Have it in your pocket for when, uh,
Professor Kinky bails on you.
[doorbell ringing]
Hi, Mrs. D. Is Derek here?
No, sorry.
Uh, we were supposed to meet
someplace kind of important
today, but he never showed up.
I tried calling him, but
I guess his phone's off.
Can I leave a message for him to
call me back when he gets here?
He's not coming back.
Wh... what?
His father took him to the airport.
He's moving to Florida to
live with his grandmother.
You won't be hearing
from him again, Debbie.
I'm... I'm sorry.
Wait, what?
♪ hard rock music ♪
What?
♪♪♪
He can't go to Florida!
He can't go to Florida!
He's the father of my child!
♪♪♪
I'm carrying your grandchild!
♪♪♪
[hip-hop music playing on TV]
♪ Cook a meal, clean, and
she suck me like a vacuum ♪
♪ Took a vacation to the county ♪
Fourteen and already a
convicted drug trafficker.
I got to tell you, son...
♪ Smoking on the gateway ♪
I couldn't be prouder.
I hope hopes for Lip, but
with him in college now
and this one punching a clock,
I was afraid none of my sons
were gonna follow me
into the family business.
[chuckles]
♪ That was strange, though ♪
- I love you.
- Ignore him.
No, it's important that you know that.
I really love you.
Sure, Frank.
♪ Living like I'm 16 ♪
Call me Dad.
♪ Damn, bitch ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's... ♪
Which nobody can deny.
♪ Which nobody can deny ♪
[Kev chuckles]
[sighs] That's all they had left.
[blows]
- Hey.
- All right.
- These my eggs?
- Mm-hmm.
He didn't even make a wish.
So, Carl...
a lot of the kids in there
having to take it up the ass to survive?
- Kevin.
- What?
That's what everybody's thinking, right?
[doorbell rings]
Mm. That's my sleepover.
He didn't answer.
♪ heavy hip-hop music ♪
This is Nick.
Holy shit.
[Carl] All right, I'll show
you around the crib later.
Let's hit up the boys first.
Carl.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks for the party.
Good seeing you all.
Great to be home.
Later.
♪♪♪
Well, I guess he won't
mind if I eat his eggs.
And we can still have our date.
Fishing?
Sure. I'll get my jacket.
♪ upbeat rock music ♪
Fishing?
♪ Hey ♪
♪ And as a matter of fact ♪
♪ There's a time and a place ♪
♪ We can both trace back to ♪
♪ Maybe a concert hall
playing rock and roll ♪
♪ Or a hole in the wall too ♪
How much did you have to pay
your friend to let us in here?
Oh. [Laughs] Nothing.
I was holding for him one
time when I was busted,
and I didn't rat him out.
Lance owes me big-time.
[grunts]
[sighs]
You thought any more about
that assistant manager job?
- [groans]
- What?
I don't know. Management?
Wouldn't everybody hate me?
Well, everyone doesn't hate me.
Sure, they do.
[chuckles]
Everybody hates their boss.
That's, like, part of the
all-American birthright.
It's life, liberty, the
pursuit of happiness,
and hating the fucking asshole
that you have to work for.
Well, you already have a felony conviction,
and people are gonna be
reluctant to give you a chance,
but with a little management
experience on your résumé...
[scoffs]
it'll make that next job easier to get.
Yeah, doing what?
I don't know. Sales.
You can run an office or
work at the Midas Muffler shop
or the Carpet Warehouse.
A muffler shop?
Well...
you'd really be helping me out.
There's nobody I trust more.
♪ light guitar music ♪
- Okay, I'll do it.
- [chuckles] Really?
Don't make me think about it for too long.
- Okay.
- I'll back out.
[laughing] Okay.
Yeah, okay. Great.
[scoffs]
[whispering] This is fucking stupid.
[dog barking in distance]
Yo.
Did you fuck her?
- What?
- Did you fuck her?
♪ dramatic guitar music ♪
[grunts]
♪♪♪
[yells]
♪ dramatic rock music ♪
♪♪♪
[both grunting]
Shit! Stop!
Fucking stop!
Shit!
What's wrong with you?
Stay away from her! You
stay the fuck away from her!
Stay away from who?
From her! From Helene!
[yelling] From my mom?
Huh?
Stay away from my mom?
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪♪♪
Get the fuck...
get the fuck out of here.
Fuck.
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪♪♪
Making a bed for Nick.
Wouldn't he be more
comfortable on the couch?
Likes the floor.
Was in solitary for, like, a year.
Can't sleep in a bed.
I'll be right there, Nick.
He likes me to have
his back in the showers.
Makes him feel safe.
He doesn't know any better.
He's been in juvie since he was nine.
What was he in for?
He set his dad on fire.
Accidentally?
I don't think so.
Otherwise they wouldn't have been able
to charge him with murder.
- How old is he?
- Eighteen.
Had to let him out 'cause of his birthday.
He was living on the streets.
Said he could crash at my crib.
He's my brother from another mother.
You feel? We're tight.
[water rushing]
Don't forget to take your meds.
[knocks on door] Debbie?
[Debbie] Go away, Fiona.
What's up? Are you okay?
Just go away, Fiona.
Please.
♪ light guitar music ♪
You know you can always
talk to me if you need to.
♪♪♪
[sniffles]
[sniffles]
[sniffles]
♪♪♪
♪ I said stop ♪
♪♪♪
♪ I'm in my head ♪
♪♪♪
♪ I've been down ♪
♪♪♪
It was so hot.
You were sweating,
and you had all that
salt on your upper lip.
Mm-hmm.
I licked it off.
You loved that, didn't you?
[sprinkler clicking]
My God, I love you.
What?
You crazy kook.
[laughs]
You're gonna get us in trouble.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
[chuckles]
You keep quiet, okay?
No yelling or anything like that.
I love how lusty you are.
You ready?
Oh, my God, I love your breasts.
♪♪♪
Oh, baby. [Moaning]
Oh, it's so good.
[grunts]
Mm.
Oh, God.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, baby.
It's so good.
Mm-hmm.
[moans]
Oh, God.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, no, no, no.
You get on top.
Love it when you're on top.
Oh, God, baby.
Yeah.
I like to feel your breasts.
Your beautiful breasts.
Oh, God, yes.
Oh, God, baby.
You a sick fuck, Gallagher!
Get the hell out of my cemetery!
I warned you! Didn't I warn you?
I warned your dumb ass!
Get your ass out of my cemetery!
You crazy motherfucker!
Get the hell out of here!
Fuck you! Jesus!
Get out of here! I hope you rot in hell!
♪♪♪
[knocking]
[louder knocking]
All right.
[knocking]
- You beat up Dylan?
- Shh. I didn't know...
- You beat up my son?
- I didn't know he was your son!
- Are you out of your mind?
- Professor? Tiffany Thomas.
Yeah, I was in your Intro
to Ethics last semester.
What were you doing coming over
to my house without calling?
- I didn't know who he was.
- Okay, but what were you doing?
Were you spying on me? Are you insane?
You have no right to be anywhere
near my family or my house.
I know.
Yeah, you're right. It was stupid.
I'm... I'm really...
[sighs] I'm really sorry.
[sighs]
[breathing heavily]
Is Dylan okay or...
He will be.
He's a tough kid.
He wrestles at Yale.
Oh, Jesus.
[sighs]
His right eye is pretty swollen.
- Says you hit hard.
- Yeah, he hits hard.
I mean, I think he nearly
broke a rib or something.
[sighs]
♪♪♪
You know, I thought your son
was, like, ten,
off in prep school or something.
[scoffs]
♪♪♪
Tiffany Thomas?
Yeah, I know.
Guess I was... I was feeling
a little sorry for myself.
Did you remember her from class?
Not really very memorable.
Is she?
♪♪♪
[gasps] Oh.
What are you doing, Frank?
I'm just watching you sleep.
Oh, Jesus Christ, you're
really starting to creep me out.
Are you looking out for yourself?
Doing breast self-exams?
You know, cancer can sneak up on you.
[Carl] Fiona!
Why are you wet?
Oh, a misunderstanding with the landscaper.
I'm gonna take a shower
in a minute, get warm.
[Carl] Fiona!
♪ hip-hop music ♪
♪♪♪
[Carl] Fiona!
♪♪♪
Fiona!
[yelling] What?
Stop yelling.
[sighs] Can I help you?
Are you Fiona?
Yup.
We're Derek's parents.
Debbie's friend Derek.
We'd like to talk to you about the baby.
What baby?
Derek and Debbie's baby.
♪ rock music ♪
♪♪♪
Holy shit. What else did I miss?
♪♪♪
What?
Nice panties.
They help me feel closer to her.
♪♪♪