Shameless (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Parenthood - full transcript

Where the hell were you guys
last week?

I think we should have
our own kid.

Well, can we start right now?

You're a loud, mean,
vicious bitch.

I will fuck you up!

Shit!

Shit!

How about,
let's teach you a skill?

(explosion, gasps)
Where's your grandmother?

Buying more supplies.
I'm gonna kill her.

Can't we just call the police,
tell them about the meth lab?

She's my grandmother.
What happened?

E.R. doc says cancer.

Stage four, pancreatic,

doesn't have long to live.

Can you do something for me?

Get rid of Jody.

Everything he does
is bugging me.

(screams)
Get out!

Even the Pentagon says it's

okay to be gay, but you're too
chickenshit to let anyone know.

At least I'm not getting trapped
by some pregnant skank.
Fuck you!

Lip, come on, wake up.
First day of school, senior.

Dropped out.
What are you
talking about?

Got to get a job and take
care of Karen and my kid.

You two are married?

You're married?
Ah, si.

Why didn't you meet me
at the airport?
I was on my way.

What happened?
Doesn't matter now.

I love you.
Don't.

♪ Think of all the luck
you got ♪

♪ Know that it's not
for naught ♪

♪ You were beaming once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Round up the friends you got ♪

♪ Know that they're not
for naught ♪

♪ You were willing once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so... ♪

♪ Sure of? ♪

Frank?

My mother has cancer.

The bad kind?

As opposed to?

I'm gonna be an orphan.

Well...

things worked out
for Oliver Twist.

And Annie.

She found a way
to abandon me

one last time.

The sun'll come out,
just like the song says.

God, do you know
how many years

I've prayed for this moment?

I'll be free.

Well, this might not
be nice to say,

but if anyone deserves cancer,

it's your mother.

Where's Grammy?
Frank took her to Sheila's

late last night. She was
having trouble breathing.

The chemicals from the fire
were aggravating her emphysema.

Will the chemicals give
us emphysema?

Probably, but we won't
know for 50 years.

FIONA: Carl, the team gives you
one helmet and if you break it,

we can't afford to replace it.

Don't matter. Season's over.
What?

Coach got arrested for exposing
himself at the park.

He was peeing being
a shed. A couple of
seven-year-old girls

saw "it."

I don't get it. Half
the world has penises.

Why do people get so upset
about seeing them?
Context.

What's that?

When, how, where and with who.

Ian, you played--
you could coach.

Uh, can't. I got to work
after school, bud. Sorry.

You going to school early?
Chemistry study group.

Can you coach?

I know nothing about football.

It's just boys crashing
into one another.

With pads. And some--
some rules.

Ask Lip.
He won't do it.

Wake him and ask.
Can't hurt.

Lip!

I could have done that.
Upstairs, please.

Good morning, love.
Where's the pisser?

Upstairs.
Oh, that's not happening.

Get me a bucket.

(clearing throat)

I heard you have cancer.

Yeah.

I hope it's painful.

Your wish is granted.

You've got two more.
Don't waste 'em.

(rattling)
You'll be back in
your bed by tonight.

The chemical smell from the
explosion will be over by then.

It's not the flu, is it?

No, just my body
feeding on itself.

Sheila makes a top-notch
breakfast.

I'm good with my
smokes and coffee.

We don't smoke in the house.

Well, good.
I won't have to share.

Come on.

Right there.

(urinating)

(mutters)

Where are you going?
To the store.

Repl... replenish your smokes.

15 minutes. I'm timing you.

And get me a new Bic--
a blue one.

Not pink like that last one.

O.J., Frank. No pulp.
Hey, numb nuts--

toilet paper.

I'm not going to drip dry.

Oh, Kleenex.

The best for the best.

How do you take
your coffee?

With Baileys or not at all.

I have some Bacardi.

Pepsi to mix it with?

Fresca.

For fuck's sake.

Fresca it is--

Twiggy.

Couldn't wake him.
Debbie, go brush your teeth.

And tell Lip that ice cubes are
going down his shirt next.

He's missed a week
of school already.

Morning, Gallaghers.
Hi!

Who likes coffee and doughnuts?
All right.

Double latte, two sugars.

What the fuck are you doing?
We were out getting coffees,

and I thought,
"Hey, school's started.

Why not pop by and give the kids
a ride like the old days?"

No heads up so
I could put pants on?
I like you with no pants on.

Dude, your wife is
standing right there.
No English.

(Estefania speaking Portuguese)

Does she ever leave your side?

I bought coffee for Lip.

Please, stop trying
to make this seem normal.

(Estefania speaking Portuguese)

Lip won't get up.

Ooh, thanks for
the doughnuts, Jimmy.

Yes. You know what, I get it.

You think it's
funny to call me

Jimmy, but I think it's probably
time to give it a rest.

Fat chance, Jim-Jim.
Yeah, yummy doughnuts, Jimbo.

All right.

(Estefania speaking Portuguese)

I'm not doing this.
Doing what?

This. Was there some
signal that I sent you

that suggested popping
by would be cool?

I just wanted to bring
you a coffee, start
the day right.

Figure out that chick who's
sitting on my sofa wearing
your wedding ring,

and then we'll talk.

(Estefania speaking Portuguese)

Who wants a ride to school?
DEBBIE AND CARL:
I do.

Great. Let's go.
We're going to
figure thiout.

Just don't give up on me.
Please stop talking.

Let's go!

Lip!

All right. Dig
the helmet, Carl.

You play any ball
growing up?

Carl.
Yo.

Junior high. Flanker.
What's a flanker?

It's a white wide receiver.

Hey, you doing anything
this afternoon?

Carl!
What? We need a coach.

For what?
Pop Rec Warner League.

Flag?
Helmet to helmet.

Fiona go to games?

Never misses one.

Call me "Coach."

Awesome.

Not a smart move, Jimmy.

♪ ♪

(rhythmic groaning)

Hello, boys.

The front door was locked,

so I came in the back--
no pun intended.

You might want to check
the locks.

Um, I see that you're
preoccupied,

so why don't we put this
little loan on my tab?

As you were, sailors.

FIONA:
Lip!

Jesus!

I covered for you while

you've been going through
this shit, but enough.

You been lying up here a week.
Shit is what we all go through.

We still got to get up
and get shit done.
Is that from a Toby Keith song?

School now.
I dropped out.

It's your senior year.
You're graduating.

No.
Get up and get to school!

You quit.
Because Mom and Dad
were hooked on Oxy.

You were 13. Don't try
to win this argument.

You got the golden ticket.

You know it and I know it.

I'm going to get a job.
After you graduate.

I don't need another year
of crappy public high
school education.

Here's the way life works.

Mmm...
You suck it up, you do your
work, you get your diploma,

and that little piece of paper
tells every other person who
wanted to quit high school,

that you can follow through
and finish something.

You don't have yours,
and you're doing fine.

I'm going to stab you
in the chest. You're graduating.

I didn't and I still regret it.
Who's stopping you?

Uh, Debbie, Carl, Liam, you.

Hey, don't do me
any favors.

You're going back to school.

Fine. I'll go back when you do.

What?

What? You get your diploma,
I'll get mine.

Sheila can help
out with Liam.

Debbie and Carl can
take care of themselves.

I'll go back, you go back.

We'll graduate together.

Walk down the aisle--
all "Pomp and Circumstance."

Hand in hand?

All right.

Fuck it. Sure.
Great.

Put Liam in a stroller, we'll
hit the registrar's office.

Hey, Fi?

Huh?

We gotta kill him.
WOMAN (knocking):
C'mon! Open up!

Fuck off! Look, nobody
will miss Frank, anyway.

We shoot him in the head,
we dump him in the river.

Look, he has a lousy
short-term memory;

he's probably already forgotten.

Can't chance that.

I'll talk to him.
Gotta cut his hands off,

pull his teeth;
he can't even be identified.

You stay here, watch the store.
I'll take care of it.

My Uncle Joe works at the
foundry; he'll dump the teeth

into the chrome plating vat
and it's done.

Mickey, you need this job
for your probation.

No, what I need is to take care
of Frank and his big mouth.

Stay here.

This won't take long.

(doorbells jingle)

WOMAN:
Go to Miss McIntyre's
study hall

in room 392,
give her this from me.

Fill out your course
selections and bring it back.

Quickly. You've already
missed a week.

Good luck, sis.

Miss Gallagher.

So, you quit
during your junior year?

Halfway through.

I came in and explained
the situation...

I don't keep track
of quitters.

Got enough on my plate.

How many credits do I need
to get a diploma?

Uh, looks to be about 38.

You have English, Trig,
World History, Earth Sciences.

You're gonna be busy.

Is there a night school
here where I could do that?

Why don't you just
take the GED?

It's for the quitters.

Uh-huh.

Is it as good as
getting your diploma?
No.

But it shows
you know most of

what someone would've
learned in high school.

Proves you're not
a total loser.

It's just a test?

Something you can
do in one day?

Less than a day.
This is a practice test.

If you can pass it, you won't
even need to take a prep course.

Okay.

Jack Daniels
and orange juice

mix better than
I would've imagined.
Mickey's upset.

He thinks you're gonna
tell people what you saw.

Take this in
to your grandmother.

I'm serious.

Keep the money.
I'll pay Linda back myself.

If you don't want to go in,
I don't blame you.

Just lean it against the door
and ring the bell.

Ding-dong, ditch it.

(doorbell rings)

(sighs)

(blows kazoo)

Coast clear?

(blows twice)

Is twice yes or no?
I forgot.

(blows three times)

GRAMMY (in distance):
Enough with that kazoo!

Coast is clear!

♪ ♪

(chuckles)

(door closes)

(chuckles)

Hey. You guys got plans today?

I was gonna drop a Cialis
and stroke it.

I need help killing somebody.

Someone we
care about?

No.

Knife, gun or tire iron?

Gun's safest.

Not with today's
forensics.

Fine, a knife.
That's a lot
of blood flow.

One drop left behind,
that's life in the joint.

Why don't you tell me,
John Wayne Gacy?

Kidnap and strangle.

Perfect.

Where's your rophenol?

I ran out.

That quinceañera
over at Jamie's.

I got plenty
of duct tape.

Get it.

Thought you dropped out.
Uh, made a deal
with Fiona.

She'll blow her end, and I'll be
back home chilling in a week.

I'm gonna give the baby up
for adoption.

Sometimes I wonder if

getting high
makes it easier for me

to keep up with you
or more difficult.

I thought I was in love
with Jody; I'm not.

I thought it would be cool
to have a baby and love it,

but no, I
suck at it.

I thought about aborting it,
but I'm this far along,

and even though I don't want it,
other people probably do.

So I figure why not

suck it up a few more months,
vag it out and sell it?

"Vag it out"?

Well, the truth hurts,
but it's still the truth.

Well, you know, if you are gonna
let the baby live,

maybe you should

stop smoking weed.

Weren't Monica and Frank

on acid the whole time
you were in vitro?

Uh, shrooms, mostly.

Well, you want to go to some
adoption agencies with me later?

I need someone to play the dad,
sign the paperwork.

You could help me
pick out a good buyer.

(footsteps approaching)
Oh!

Mr. Healey,
how goes it?

Later.

(school bell beeps)

What the hell is this schedule
you signed up for?

Woodworking?
Auto Repair?

Welding?
Hey, I'm just trying

to learn the skills
that can make me

a productive member
of the working class, Mr. H.

You as my guidance counselor
should appreciate that.

You have any idea
what it's like

to be a guidance counselor
in this shit hole?

I get one

National Merit Scholar

every nine years.

So there's not a
chance that you're not

going to live up to
your goddamn potential.

Feeling very "O Captain!
My Captain!" are we?

I had a teacher who took
a special interest in me

when I was
about your age.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

He use a condom or...?

It was a woman, smart-ass.

And she showed me the way out,
changed my life.

Yet you still ended up
in this job?

I had 22 years in the
Coast Guard before I got here.

And I retired a
lieutenant commander.

Wow.
So you're gonna
take Physics,

Probability and Statistics,
Advanced Chemistry.

And you're gonna take the ACT,

and you're
gonna get into

either Yale or Harvard or MIT
on a full academic ride.

Give me your hand.

At what point in your career
did you realize that your name,

Dick, had become
a euphemism for cock?

Watch your mouth.

The ice you're
standing on is

cracking all around
you, Phillip.

And I won't stand around
and watch you drown.

(school bell beeps)

Get to class.

Boys, I'm the biggest munchkin
in Munchkin Land,

verging on jigging
while that falling house

called cancer is about to crush

the wickedest witch
on the South Side,

my mother, Margaret!

Cheers!

(scattered cheers, clapping)

Mmm.

Fabulous Bloody
Mary, Kev.

Three dollars, Frank.

Know why I ordered
a Bloody Mary?

You lack vitamins?

I used to make these

for Mother on Sundays.

Every Sunday.

Horseradish, celery,

tomato juice, vodka.
Four fingers worth.

Bring it to her
in her chair,

like she was the Queen of Spain.

Spain got rid
of their royalty.

Three dollars, Frank.

I'd bring her her Bloody Mary,

and she'd sniff it,

and then stick

the tippity tip
of her tongue in it,

testing it,
and if I didn't

get it just right,
I'd get a smack.

Yeah, she looked like
she'd be a spanker.

Oh, no, no, not a spanking.

Thought it was half-ass
corporal punishment.

Thought, you want
to make an impression,

you got to hit kids
where it hurts:

in the face with a closed fist.

Not in the ass,
with all that padding.

I wish I could punch
my kid in the face.

Looks just like my ex-wife.

Tommy, you realize other people

can hear you
when you speak, right?

If I was off
with even

one part of her recipe, smack!

Deal was, if I didn't cry
the first time, she'd stop.

But if I flinched
or shed a tear, another smack.

Had a foster dad
once shaved half my head

when I broke curfew.

Looked kinda badass, though.

Flinch? Smack.

Misty? Smack.

Yelp? Smack.

Every Sunday,

without fail.

Bloody Mary Sunday.

Gotta piss.

Watch my eggs.

Are those the good memories
of his mother

or the bad ones?

Interchangeable,
apparently.

Hey, what's
happening, boys?
You seen Frank?

Frank who?
Don't give me
"Frank fucking who?"

How many people
come in here named Frank?

Hey, don't get salty, sweetie.

There's Frank Stinson,
substitute math teacher

who loves Sudoku.

There's Frank Salmon,

comes in on Thursdays
with his softball buddies,

and there's Frank Migneault,

retired air traffic
controller,

playing pool.

Frank Gallagher.

Check the Rusty Hammer.

They got happy hour breakfast
9:00 to 11:00.

He's a bargain drinker.

(TV playing quietly)

Pat her down for weapons?

She'll be gone
by dinner.

My grandfather died
of lung cancer.

Lived with him
the last three months-- brutal.

Was it chilly
in the tent last night?

Not too bad.

Has, uh, Karen mentioned me?

But you keep believing.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Not often.

You need the bucket?

No, I'm gonna climb
the stairs for this one.

Ow!

Ooh!

(groans)

Are you okay?

Here you go.
I don't need help.

How about a glass
of water, then?

What is that smell?

Did someone
step in dog doo?
Not me.

Let's get you upstairs
and clean you up.

(groaning)

Oh!

Oh!

Ooh!
Let me...

let me draw you a bath.

Let me get you
a bath, sweetie.

Let me get you a bath.

Do you have something
for the pain?

They gave me some Vicodin, but
I don't want to be all doped-up.

I can get you
something stronger.

No.

(groans)

Okay.

(door opens)

Geez! Open the windows.

It smells like a meth lab.

I'm gonna get high
just standing here.

Lean into it.

It's a manageable high.

Who's boning
a barista?

Steve brought by coffees
and his wife.

Bad times.

He doesn't give up, does he?

He's trying to wear me down.
Just keeps

showing up, hoping I'll
find him too irresistible.

When guys get
focused on something,

it's hard to
get 'em off.

They have one-task minds.

Kevin turned down
a blow job today.

He only wants to get off
inside me now.

Obsessed with saving his
spunk for having a baby.

Look at you, the romantic.

It's one thing talking
about making a baby,

another having to
raise it from scratch.

I don't know if I got
what it takes.

You'll be a
kick-ass mother.

So much shit you got to know--
SIDS, sleep habits,

tooth decay, bullying.
You work in a
nursing home.

It's like taking care of
old people in reverse.

You did great with
Ethel and Jonah.

Come on. Imagine your
own kid that looks

like the two of
you combined.

That will be one
drop-dead gorgeous child,

I'll give you that.
Mm-hmm.

What you doing?
Studying.

What?

You taking your GED?

All right, Fi!
Made a deal with Lip

that I'd go back to
school if he did.

Quiz me.

Who was the fourth president
of the United States?

John Quincy Adams.

James Madison.
Jasmine was right.

I should just have some rich
dude knock me up

before it's too late.
We could be barefoot

and pregnant together.
(chuckles)

(knock at door)

Frank here?

No.

When's he going to be back?

For as long as I've been alive,

I haven't known the answer
to that question.

That is the dirtiest white boy
in America.

WOMAN:
You have made
a great choice

to honor the budding life
inside you.

(chuckles)
Time will tell.

I'm sure we'll find the baby
a good home.

Can you find me one?
(woman chuckles)

The Catholic couple
that we'll place

your baby with has most likely
struggled to get pregnant,

so they are committed
to having a family.

Now, um, are...
are you limited

to, uh, only
Catholic families,

or can other people apply?

WOMAN:
We do attempt to find

families of faith first.

Yeah. Cool. So how
much do we get?

We'll be sure
to place your baby

with parents
who can support it.

Yeah, you...
you said that.

How much do we get

for the baby?

This is a chance
to celebrate a life.

So no money?

Oxy...

and Percocet, Valium.

Yikes.

I also got
an I.V. morphine drip.

(gasps)
Got a lot of
friends I met

in programs that end
in the letter "A."

You still want a shower?

Nah, I'm going
to hit the tent.

Karen could
be home soon.

I don't want to upset
her and blow my chances.

I'm... I'm going
to talk to her

about keeping the baby

and about keeping
you in her life.

Thanks, Mom.
You'd be an
incredible daddy.

I've always wanted to be.

(groaning)

Ow.

Take this.

JODY:
Wash it down.

(sighs)

Ugh.

She should really
be in hospice.

(groaning sigh)

God, life is just so...

just...

(growls)

You know, like, sometimes
don't you just want

to shake your fists at it?

Why does it have to be
so hard for people?

(groans)

(sighs)

It's going to
be all right.

Let's don't start lying
to each other now.

Walked in on
my mother

and my sixth-grade
teacher having sex once.

That'll teach you
not to play hooky.
(inhaling)

My mother's nipples
were the size of sand dollars.

(inhaling)

She was on top,
riding him.

He's underneath,
bucking like a horse

who knows it's headed

for the glue factory.

She didn't even tell me
to leave the room.

(whistle blows)

Tell Fiona you're coaching,
Jimmy?

Don't you tell her
everything for me?
Family first.

Those of us with only one name
find that easy to remember.

Haven't told her about this,
because I wasn't sure

you were going
to show up.

You know, I'm just
trying to give back

to the community,
help some disadvantaged kids

learn a great American sport.

(Estefania speaking Portuguese)

(blows whistle)
Yo. When do we get to tackle?

Soon. Take a knee.

All right, boys.

Football is all about

who wants it more.

When you tackle,
aim low, hit hard!

Who thinks they're man enough
to take me down?

Huh?
You don't have pads on.

We're just... we're
doing a walk-through.

Okay?

(grunts)

(groans)

Clean hit.

I like it.
(laughter)

Oh... (sighs)

I wish I'd had
a girl coach.

I'd totally tap that.
Yeah.

I love long hair.

No, no, no.

The one with the little
brunette pixieish cut.

Like a 1963

brunette Mia Farrow.

No titties, all ass.

Just sit and spin her

all night long.

Heaven.

I-I think
that's a dude.

(whistle blows)

Start by filling
out these.

Now, uh,
do you check,

uh, the families

for, you know, um,

alcohol and drug abuse?

You know, make sure they have

enough income
to feed it and stuff?

We do.

Right, and, uh, are the families

mostly in the Chicago area
or the whole state?

What's it matter?
We're getting rid of it.

You going to stalk it

at its Little League games?

Have you looked
at other options?

Like aborting it? Yeah.

But my dad taught me
it was murder,

and the thing does have
a heartbeat and all.

Yeah, we went to see
the Catholics earlier.

We found out
they don't pay anything.

Neither do we.

I thought there was a separation
of church and state.

I'm not following you.

I get the Catholics went broke
with those pedophile lawsuits,

but how can the government
expect me not to smoke

or do drugs so that the baby
doesn't turn out

a brain-damaged future criminal,

yet expects me

to do all the work for free?

Call my friend, Timothy.

He's a family attorney.

No, we can't
afford a lawyer.

Tell him Stacy sent you.

Which of the following
political actions violated

the principle of unalienable
rights of liberty

that evolved
from the above excerpt

of the Declaration
of Independence?

One. In 1857, a U.S.
Supreme Court ruling

promoted the
expansion of slavery

in U.S. territories.

Two...
That one.

It's a, uh...

multiple choice test.

You want to hear
the other options?

It's that one.
Hey, Mickey Milkovich

came by earlier looking
for Frank, all sweaty.

Isn't he working at the store
while you're at school?

When he shows up.

Why is he
looking for Frank?

Probably getting high together.

(door closes)

Dinner in 15 minutes.

I'm going to head out
for a while.

Where were you guys?

Football practice.

Thought your coach
got arrested.

A new guy stepped
in to save the day.

What do you know about football?

Well, you... make a pass,

sometimes you score.

Ugh. I meant what
I said this morning.

We got a big
scrimmage tomorrow.

And I say that we celebrate
the guaranteed victory

Yeah!
by cooking a big
Brazilian dinner.

What do you say?
Right, Esty?

"Esty."

Tomorrow, come here.

Cook food.
Si, si.

Eat. Eat.
Uh...
Uh, poor people.

Crack. I help.

Dude.

Poor people? Awesome.

See you tomorrow.

CARL:
Can we go bring
Grammy back?

She promised to teach us
how to palm cards.
Grammy blew up the basement.

We could've lost Carl. So she's
having a time-out at Sheila's.

And you know,
when you're having a time-out,

you don't get
to visit with your family.

Yo, you pick out
all your classes?

Taking my GED.

Uh... no, that
wasn't the deal.

Well, I still got to earn
money-- food, utilities.

You finish your senior
year, I take the GED.

I didn't agree to an equivalent.
If it's good enough
for the state,

it's good enough for me.
Fine. Then I'll
take my GED.

The GED is for quitters, not
geniuses. Put the pasta in

when the water boils.
I have to go study.

Why is she still here?

No one came and picked her up.

What's with the bed?

Jody set it up.

Mammoth heart,
that Jody.

Oh, it smells in here.

I've rinsed the bucket
twice already.

Get on the kazoo.

Tell Jody to roll her
to a fire station

and safe-haven
her ass.

Frank, she's in pain.

What... what's
all this?
Pills.

Jody got them.

He even started an
I.V. drip-- morphine.

How many milligrams?
He'd be the kind

of son-in-law
that would take care of us

in our later years.

You know?

Why don't you go upstairs?

Get your rest.

I'll sit with Mom.

You sure?

She's my mother.

We're a good team,
Frank, you and I.

You're a good son.

Well...
Make your peace
with her.

I don't think she
has a long time.

(mouthing)

(door opens and closes)

♪ ♪

Why we
killing him again?

He raped a girl.

Statutory or catch
and release?

Shit. He's locking up.
No Frank.

KEVIN:
Hey, man, you all right?

You need a cab?

(engine starts)

Shit.

Mm.

(yawns)
Morning.

Meg texted you from the club.
Says your last paycheck's in.

I told her you'd
go get it today.
Please don't take my phone.

And please don't impersonate me.

You left it in the bathroom.

Liam almost dropped it
in the toilet.

Where's Ian?
Left early again.

Coming to my scrimmage today?
Wouldn't miss it!

Should I bring some breakfast
over to Grammy?

She gets hungry after
her morning cigarettes.

Sheila has food at her house,
she'll feed her.

Lip! Up!

I don't have class till 10:00.
I'm gonna go help Kev.

You like your classes
this year?
I love them. Thanks.

Quite welcome.
Go learn your state capitals.

Go fuck yourself.
Will do.

Hey. Swing this at my head.

I'm trying to
strengthen my neck.

Awesome...

(train rattles past)

I don't have
any money.

IAN:
You got to lie low, Frank.

Mother's laying down.

A lot of pain. I...

I got her pain pills.

Mickey thinks you're
going to tell everybody

about what you saw

(scoffs)

Men have always had men.

DaVinci, Abe Lincoln,
the guy from Hogan's Heroes.

Choose a gender,

and find someone
who wants to fuck.

Preferably...
for free.

Mickey wants to kill you.

I don't want him to go to Juvie.

Hey.

This is bad, Frank.

What's happening to
my mother is bad.

Very, very bad.

Dying is bad.

(sighs)

Try to avoid it, son.

It's amazing, when you start
thinking about babies.

My testicles have
never been my ally.

It's a whole other thing,

shifting from screwing just as,
you know, screwing,

to screwing with the purpose
of creating a new person.

Of course,
you know that already,

you've proven your sperm
can spawn new life.

Yeah, well, might not be mine.

And it's a little different
when the baby's a surprise

and the mother doesn't want it.

Karen decide what
she want to do yet?

No. We're seeing a family
attorney this morning.

Ask me again after school.

You're back in school?

Yeah. I promised Fiona
I'd go back if she did.

Fiona's back in high school?

Trying to get her GED.

She'll fail.
Then I can quit again.

She won't fail.
She's smart.

Yeah, but...
not school smart.

Dude, who the hell around here
is gonna go to school

if the one really
smart guy quits?

That's not my problem.

I disagree.
You want to quit something,

quit trying to make
your life complicated.

Go to school, and enjoy
being smarter than everyone,

and become Master of
the Universe. I mean, fuck.

Well, what if I don't want to
be Master of the Universe?

Tough! You've got to be
one of those ridiculously rich,

successful dudes, and put my kid

through college someday.

But no pressure.

(Grammy moans)
How you feeling?

Incredible.

Let's go dancing.

(groans)

Christ.

I shoulda ate more salads.

Do you want me to
get you one now?

No.

Did you call Fiona?

Well... she seemed

reluctant to-to have you

come back home.

Reluctant?

She said you set
her house on fire.

Christ!

Somehow, I've been banished
to ride this out

in a stranger's house

where none of my grandkids
come to visit me.

And my son ran away with all
the painkillers you brought me.

I'm on it.
Drug run!

He's like a superhero.

He's all right.

And so are you.

Monica-- you know, Frank's ex?--
she was a bitch.

You're not a bitch.
Thank you.

How do you do that?

The "nice" thing?

I was a shitty mother.
Shitty, shitty, shitty.

But what are you gonna do? Cry?

Nah.

Three of my four sons
turned out all right.

None of them are
incarcerated, currently.

So I'm not gonna complain.

I'm sorry I pointed
that gun at you.

Well...

I never

should've said your

cootchie smells like sulfur.

I...

I've always taken care
of myself down there.

Not easy, the older you get.

Oh, don't I know it.

(winces)

Oh, Jesus God...

(groans)
(murmurs)

Ah...
Maybe. Let me see if
I can get Jody.

Hold on.

(playing loudly)

Where is he?

I have no idea.
He's had 24 hours

to run his mouth already.
Where is he?

He won't.
If my dad finds
out about this,

he will kill me himself.

I've been to 16 bars,

the homeless shelter,
shantytown under the El,

your house, batty Sheila's...
where the fuck is he?

I don't know!
Bullshit!

You warned him.

I hate him more than you do.

I ain't stealing this.

This is less than what I'm owed
for my hours this week.

I'm done. Done... done.

Frank's walked in on Fiona
and all of her boyfriends,

walked in on Lip and his girls.

We got nothing to be ashamed of.
What fucking world
do you live in?

You can't...

you can't... you know...

I don't want you to...
What did I just say to you?
Done is done.

What, you think we're boyfriend
and girlfriend here?

You're nothing but
a warm mouth to me.

Sorry I gotta go kill your dad,
but I'm doing a lot of people

a favor, including you.

MAN:
You say go,

I'll put out the word.
All right, so you're a broker?

I introduce you to a pool of
parents that want to adopt.

They want to make sure that the
baby gets good prenatal care,

food, travel to and from
the doctor... I mean,

these things cost
money, and they

pay cash for these things.

And other things that you
might think that you need.

A new computer, so you can read
up on all the Mommy Web sites.

Maternity clothes.
Paternity clothes.

I mean, you're young.

As long as you
take your folic acid

and avoid hard drugs,
you'll clean up.

I like this guy.

And you can always change
your mind, and keep the baby

and the money
that they gave you.

But I wouldn't.

Kids can be, uh...
a pain in the ass.

Here are some letters from
prospective parents lobbying me

for an all-white baby.

You look them over.

See if any of
their prose sways you.

In my experience, the deeper

the flowery bullshit,
the richer they are.

Wealthy, infertile people will
go all out trying to buy babies.

Right. But they're still
good families, right?

I mean, you make sure
they're going to decent parents?

Since when is rich not good?

Something a little extra
in there for you.

Ah, you covered my
ass a few times,

never called in fake sick.

Thanks.

Customers sure do love you.

No way you can stay on?

Summer's over. Nobody left at
home to watch my baby brother.

Well, we might be opening up
a new club soon.

Upscale, tips are
gonna be good.
I appreciate it, Meg.

I just...

I just can't.

But you're good with people.

And not just people who nap
and use sippy cups.

There's not much flexibility
when your childcare worker

has to go back to
elementary school.

Gonna need a third
assistant manager soon.

Kiomi's heading back to Tokyo

to get married to
that jerk from Nokia.

I can't work nights.

Liam needs me during
the day. I like him.

Most of the time, he likes me.

(cell phone ringing)

Well, if things change,
track me down.

Hey. Yeah.

(sighs)

KAREN:
These douches sent me a picture
of a tree with a swing in it.

(laughs) And this guy's wearing
a Tommy Bahama shirt.

I'm not letting my kid

get molested by some guy
in a Tommy Bahama shirt.

Prada, maybe.

Why is this such
a joke to you?

It's not a joke.

I'm providing a valuable service

to losers who God
doesn't want having kids.

And I'm getting paid.
Oh, yeah, but don't you think

it's a little messed up?

You know, our kid's gonna
be out there alive.

You know, living life,
looking like us,

being raised by strangers?

Who says it's yours?

The 200 times we fucked!

We weren't exclusive.

Stop making this a big deal.

I'm merely the manufacturer.

If there's a market
for babies out there,

I'm gonna corner my share.

Who knows? I might just
do this every year.

Make a mint.

JODY (singing):
♪ And you say, go slow ♪

♪ I fall behind ♪

♪ The second
hand unwinds ♪

♪ If you're lost,
you can look ♪

♪ And you will find me ♪

♪ Time after time... ♪
Stop it, please.

Me or Jody?
♪ If you fall
I will catch you ♪

♪ I'll be waiting ♪
Both of you.

♪ Time after time... ♪
Please!

Well...

you're looking very beautiful.

I am not.

And no toenail polish

is gonna fix it.

Everyone's beautiful
on the inside.

Way, way inside.

Have the coroner cut me open
when this is done

and see if that's true.

I need a drink.

JODY: Sorry I couldn't
rustle up more drugs for you.

Shipment lands tonight.
Can you ride it out?

At the Alibi,

yes.

Sheila, get me three

big envelopes and some stamps.

We're off to the Alibi.

I don't like to
leave the house.

Well, suck it up.

You need to get me

out of this morgue.

I owe you a drink,
at the very least.

What are you doing?

Sending cash to my sons.

That will make Frank
very happy.

Frank gets none.

That's what happens
when you steal my drugs.

Accretion onto a stationary
black hole has been solved

analytically only

under the assumption
of spherical symmetry.

Who used the Newtonian treatment
of accretion?

Who used the full
general relativistic one?

It's in your
textbooks. Anyone?

Mr. Gallagher?

What?

Do you know the answer?

Uh, I believe the answer
to that question, um,

like the answer
to most questions, is fuck you.

(students gasping)

Anyone else?

Newtonian accretion?

No, really, the answer
is fuck you!

Frank's at the Alibi.

I got this.

No, we got your back.

I know you do, but I got it.

I hate rapists, too.

Okay, so get the next one.

We're coming.
Grab a mask.

(knocking)

Miss Gallagher?

Yeah. Come on in.

I didn't know
if you remembered me.

Of course, Mr. Healey.

How are you?

Well, one more year
till full pension,

then it's taillights.

Congrats.

What's up?

(sighs)
Lip's been expelled.

What?

Threw a chair
through a window.

Come on. Expelled?

Smoking dope
in the bathroom,

telling teachers to eff off.

But I called around
to a few friends.

I used to coach wrestling
over at Mckinley.

They'll take him.

But they won't put up

with any of his
smart-ass stuff.

Thank you, Mr. H.

Don't let him
screw it up, Fiona.

(door opens)

(door closes)

GRAMMY:
Why'd you quit drinking?

The first time I quit,
I woke up one morning

after I'd slept with
my best friend's fiancée.

Felt really,
really awful.

Bad hangover, huh?

Gin or Tequila?

Beer.
Beer?

So I made a list

of the top 50 stupidest
things I'd ever done.

All 50 were done drunk.

Took that as a sign.

Stop. Mail these.

♪ ♪

(horns honking,
tires screeching)

(horn blaring)

(tires screeching)

Was that on purpose?

It was.

(horn blares)

(tires screeching)

(horn blaring)

(whistle blows)

(over phone): Hey, it's Lip.
Leave me a me a message.
(answering machine beep)

Seriously,

dude, seriously?

Explain this to me.
(whistle blows)

Hi!

♪ ♪

(grunting)

Yes!

Yeah!
Yes!

Go, Carl!

Good job, buddy!

You got owned, punk, owned!

(applause and cheering)

All right,
I got to go.

SHEILA:
Jody.

Tent time.

You give humanity
a good name.

(chuckles)

(grunts)
Peg.

I need a pen.

Oh.

According
to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross,

there's five stages
of death,

and you're
in the acceptance stage.

I was just trying
to get hit by a bus

so my family could
sue the city.

You're facing death
with acceptance,

and that's good.

(groans)

Do you have a
plastic bag?

Are you gonna be sick
to your stomach?

I need a plastic bag.

Ziploc or garbage?

Anything will do.
Okay, okay.

MICKEY:
Run up a couple blocks.

I'm gonna come
from behind.

I'll catch him in an alley
and get it done.

♪ You got the right time ♪

♪ This is the right time ♪

♪ You got the callback ♪

♪ You got the handout ♪

♪ You've seen the sign
and the sign says "Leave here" ♪

♪ You got just one step ♪

♪ This is the one step ♪

♪ You got the part, girl ♪

♪ Right, you want this? ♪

♪ You found the pulse ♪

♪ Now you're all out
and over this ♪

♪ You've seen the sign,
and the sign says... ♪

(siren wailing)

♪ You got the one step,
this is the one step... ♪

(siren chirps)

Hey...

Officer,

oink oink.

♪ You lit the wire,
now it's burning. ♪

Does that violate my probation?

COP: Shut up!
(laughs)

Go into the light,

go into the light.

(grunts)

Go.

It's not working.

Be brave.

I can't die
looking at you.

Well, close your eyes.

It was too hot.

Oh.

Hold my nose, suffocate me.

Really?
Yeah.

Same idea as the bag,
but it'll go quicker.

Well, should I wash
my hands first?

Just do it.

How's that?

I am still breathing
out of this mouth.

Okay, well, I can cover it
with my other hand.

No, my survival instinct

will kick in
and I'll just end up

biting you.

How about a pillow?

Think you're strong enough
to hold it over my face

and finish the job?

Well, I'm...
I'm strong enough to try.

This isn't considered
murder?

Not if I give
you permission.

(grunts)

Do you give me your permission

to hold this pillow
over your face?

I do.

(sighs)

Good-bye, Sheila.

Good-bye, Peg.

Don't pussy out on me.

Okay.

(groaning)

Oh, wow.

Well... hold it.

Oh, go, go into the light.

Go in-- go into the light.

Uh...

your, your sins are forgiven.

Go into the light.

Tell St. Peter you're sorry

for being so shitty.

Do it while you still have
your breath.

(door opens)

Uh, Frank, your mother's passed.

(sobs)

Do you have a
paring knife?

You're not cooking dinner.

Oh, come on.
Let him.

(door opens)

(door closes)

Hey!

Hey.

Expelled?

You win.

I win?

That's all you have to say?

I lose.
Well, you're lucky

for a loser.

Mr. Healey got you
into another school.

Yeah, I'm not going.
You are.

No, I'm not.

Guys, guys,
calm down.

Hey, Jimmy, butt the fuck out.

You are finishing high school.

I've done a year
more than you.

This isn't about me.

So, what, you want me
to bust my ass,

get a diploma
and a high-paying job,

so I can buy you all
houses and shit

while you lay around
doing fuck-all?

I'm down for that.

Why is that
on me, huh?

Because I've done
all right on some tests?

(whispers in Portuguese)

No, I'll pull my weight,
but I'm not going to be

the fucking
golden goose!

School or out.
What?

My job is to keep
this house going.

Busting my ass for you,

working eight jobs,
making meals,

keeping everything straight.

Your job is school!

School or leave.

(sighs)

What are you doing?

Well, I'm not going
back to school, so

I guess it means I'm leaving.

Lip, come back!

Lip!

Mom died.

Aw...

(sobbing)

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