Shameless (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - A Bottle of Jean Nate - full transcript
Although Frank would do just about anything to rid the house of Grammy, Fiona likes having her around...until Carl blows up their meth lab in the basement
For those of you
who were too fucking busy...
...this is what happened last week on Shameless.
-Hey, you filthy fucking Portuguese. KEVIN: Stan's losing his marbles.
-What happened? -You fucked my sister.
KEVIN: He shouldn't be alone. -Call his daughter.
-I'm gonna come down-- -He wants to stay in his apartment.
-Where you been? -Brazil.
We should get together, have lunch.
FIONA: I'm seeing someone. STEVE: So am I. Bring him.
STEVE: Estefania doesn't speak English. -You're married?
You married a drug lord's daughter to hang on to your ear?
I missed you.
-Hey- -okaY-
Whoa.
DEBBIE: Was it weird seeing Jimmy? FIONA: Who's Jimmy?
Jimmy is Steve.
V, they're gone. Ethel and Jonah.
All their stuff is gone. His clothes, her suitcase, gone.
Fuck you. I'll make West Point on my own. I don't need you.
She's a married mother publicly flaunting the geriatric she's sleeping with.
JASMINE: Come on, I need an accomplice.
When I tell Hal we're going out, I won't be lying.
I'm sorry, who are you?
-I'm your grandmother. -Grammy showed up.
-Grammy's back. -Jesus. They let you out?
Surprised to see you. Thought you were doing 20 to life.
I will fuck you up.
-Oh, my God. There's a woman with a gun. -Shit.
-She's at a party. She's shooting people. -Pull it! Do it!
[GUNSHOT]
And I'm gonna kick your ass.
-Put some pants on, man. -I got pants on.
FIONA: Mm.
Babe, stop.
Come on. You know I hate that.
I'm gonna stick my thumb in your butt if you don't stop.
JASMINE: Mm, now we're talking. Mm.
Morning, sunshine.
-Who let you in? -Carl.
We don't let people in the house before I wake up!
-Which guy doesn't like a finger up the butt? -What are you doing here?
I came to invite you out on David's boat today.
I thought you weren't allowed. Isn't it the wife's?
Yeah, but they're dropping one of the brats off at college.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Oh. Steve's back in town.
-Not sure what to do about it. -Bring him. Boat's got a Jacuzzi.
Ah, kids start school Tuesday. Got a lot to do to get ready.
So come for an hour.
Everybody says that, but it never happens.
-I'll kick you out after an hour. -Shouldn't you get your kids ready?
Hal's on it. He loves doing that crap.
So you'll come?
I'll think about it. I'm gonna take a shower now, wash your slobber off me.
You know, men pay lots of money for that slobber.
-Oh, yeah. Thanks for the visual. -Mm.
Go make yourself useful. I need coffee.
You look like shit, Frank. You just getting in?
-Just got up. -It's 7 a.m.
Hurry up. I gotta help my mother out of bed and take her to the bathroom.
Putting a damper on your drink-puke-sleep schedule, huh?
I can't take it anymore.
Your problem, not ours.
What about this little guy? Hey, fella. Oh....
KEVIN: Yeah, I don't know, V. VERONICA: Oh, come on.
He's so cute. How could anyone have abandoned him?
-And his tongue is almost as good as yours. -A dog is not gonna fill the hole in my heart.
When you gonna get over this, Kev?
Doesn't it bother you that Ethel's gone?
-It bothers me we're not gonna get the money. -Why would she leave us?
-She's ungrateful. -Stop.
If she doesn't give a shit about us, why should we give a shit about her?
She was family.
-We have to move on. -I liked having someone depend on me.
-Well, then pick out a stupid dog. -Dogs are too much responsibility.
A kid isn't? A cat then.
-It's gonna piss everywhere. -We're not leaving here without something.
Fine.
We'll get that.
This baby is pushing on my bladder.
Morning.
Ah, Jesus. Not again.
[SEAL'S "KISS FROM A ROSE" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
-Knowing you were peeing made me horny. -You're a sex addict.
Knowing I have a cold sore makes you horny.
[GRUNTING]
I've been kissed by a rose
Look at me. Look at me, I'm about to come.
Look at me. Oh, baby.
Oh. Oh, baby. Oh, baby.
My power, my pleasure, my pain.
My power, my pleasure, my pain
[GASPING]
To me you're like a growing addiction That I can't deny
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?
KAREN: Oh.
Why do you always do that?
JODY: What? -Cry.
To release.
-It's weird. JODY: I can't help it.
I feel so close to you.
It's like I'm giving you all my hurt and joy to hold and protect.
[JODY SOBBING]
So gay-
Be nice to have a little Jean Nate in the water.
FRANK: I'll get some tomorrow.
And stop breathing all over me.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
I wanna go to Indian bingo today.
-I'm feeling lucky. -Can't. Got a big day planned.
Where? At the Alibi?
We can go after you take me to Indian bingo.
I was thinking. We should look for a new place for you to live today.
Why the hell would I wanna do that?
Be a lot more comfortable.
Walk-in tub.
One of those chair-stair things.
Ramp on the front porch.
You'd be a lot more independent.
I don't need it.
-I have you. -Well...
...I can't always be here. Got a full-time job. Six kids to raise.
Are we talking about the same person?
Scrub harder. You're scrubbing like a pussy.
Oh. That's a disturbing image.
-Morning, Lip. LIP: How's it going, Grams?
[ZIPPER OPENS]
-You fuck girls with that pecker? -As often as they let me.
Hard to believe he got Karen pregnant with that thing. It's so small, isn't it?
[LAUGHING]
Don't kiss up to me because you feel like a worthless piece of shit.
Missed a spot, Frank.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
-Assfuck. -Jackoff.
-You guys still not talking? -Dude!
-Carl! -What the fuck?
Why have I never done that before?
You have too much time on your hands. Summer school next year.
-How's your head? -Little dizzy.
You're fine. Go have some breakfast.
LIP: How much in the winter squirrel fund?
Just over nine grand.
-That's all to get us through winter? -Frank screwed us when he gave Liam away.
-There was the compressor for the fridge. -The stuff for Liam's infection. Mwah.
Everyone needs to get winter jobs. Debs, get down here.
-Breakfast. DEBBIE: I'll be right there.
I'll use the downstairs toilet.
School supplies and clothing. Nothing else.
No candy, drugs, beer or concert tickets. I want receipts.
What if the drugs are really good?
-Still here? -I got caught up reading a magazine.
Hey, that's mine.
Debs, I need you to find the backpacks and any old school books.
-Carl, put the supplies in the basement. DEBBIE: Okay.
-Roger that. -Lip, you and Ian clean the pool.
There's a few surprises in there.
-Carl, tell Lip to do it himself. -Lip, Ian says you can do it yourself.
Tell Ian he's being a douche bag for not talking to me.
-You're being a douche-- FIONA: Okay.
Whatever you guys are doing, I want it over before school starts.
-So figure it out. -Mommy, what's my assignment?
-Ah, go home to your family? -Actually...
...I need to go get the boat ready. Belmont Harbor.
Slip 22. Two o'clock.
—I said I'll think about it. -Uh-huh.
FRANK: I wanna see what Fiona's cooking for breakfast.
It's a rooster in the henhouse. Hide the money.
FIONA: Morning, Grammy. LIP: Morning, Grammy.
[CHATTERING]
Your grandmother thinks you're being selfish by not spending time with her.
Why don't you hang out?
Have girl time. I'm gonna eat.
PEGGY: Frank. -Aargh!
Give me two three-minute eggs, dry toast, and a cup of Maxwell House...
...before we go to Indian bingo.
Have fun, you guys.
[FRANK SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
-Only one cup. -Mm?
-That's your second cup. -So?
So baby book says caffeine's not good for the fetus.
-Well, it's good for me. -Hey.
You want our baby to come out healthy?
You Okay?
-Yeah. -Sure?
Yes, stop asking me. I'm fine.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Door is open. -Who's here?
My friends from tattoo school. I told you.
Come in, come in.
[KIDS LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]
They're gonna give us some info about natural childbirth.
-Hey, you guys! MAN: Look at this man.
Hey, motherfucker.
Yeah. Looking good.
Just fucking sits there.
-Should we take her out of the cage? -Probably needs to acclimate.
Let's call her Ethel Number Two.
[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
-What did we do wrong, V? -We didn't do anything wrong.
I feel like we should be looking for her.
-Social Services says they're on it. -Please. Social Services.
You think they have time to look for her? You heard that woman.
-Eighty-five percent of foster kids run away. -There's nothing we can do.
—Maybe she didn't like living here. -You said 85 percent of foster kids run away.
What makes you think we're in the top 15 percent?
How can you be so cold about this?
Because she hurt my Kev.
And no one hurts my Kev.
Come here.
-Mm, my baby's getting his mojo back. -It was never gone, just on hold.
[VERONICA LAUGHS]
Oh, shit.
What?
One of her weird underwear things. So what?
I'm not in the mood anymore.
-What--? Well, where are you going? -The Alibi Room.
We can do Lady and the Tramp.
I'm sorry if it's gonna take me longer to get over losing our child than you, V.
Please don't go out in public with that shirt.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Hey. -I didn't text you back for a reason.
-I wanna explain. -Don't. I got everything I need, Jimmy.
-I'm still Fiona, by the way. -Fiona.
When I found out you were married, I was hurt.
But when you had a whole other life, I realized I dodged a bullet.
-I was trying to explain at the restaurant. -Not necessary. We're totally cool.
Everything's great, Jimmy-Steve.
I'll be seeing you around.
JODY: These powdered doughnuts are fantastic.
HELEN: I got them at Costco. Case was only $5. -We were there to get a Vizio flat screen.
Two hundred bucks later, no Vizio.
-Just a cart full of groceries. -Which we needed more than a TV.
-It's hard to watch the game on a baked ham. HELEN: Heh.
You guys can use our membership card any time you want.
Great. Lots of stuff we need around the house.
-I guess. -You know what you and I should do?
Can you pass the Pop-Tarts, honey?
We should go in on a couple of cases of diapers.
Mm?
Since our babies will probably be born around the same time.
-You're pregnant? -Why do you think I'm eating so much?
You could save a bundle on your hospital bills if you just have the baby at home.
-You have a tub? -Yeah, upstairs.
Besides, if you deliver at the hospital, you risk them slicing you like a turkey.
-What? LISA: Yeah, it's true.
Victor here--? Come here, baby.
He was 9 pounds. His little elbow was stuck behind my pelvis.
-Doctors had to give me an episiotomy. -What's that?
It's where they cut you open from vagina to anus.
You don't feel a thing. There's good drugs.
TOM: I got the video. -She doesn't wanna see that.
Nobody wants to see it.
I'm telling you, have the baby in the tub. It'll squirt right out.
LISA: My lady business hasn't been the same since the episiotomy.
-I swear I could fit a walrus up there. -It's not that bad.
Why did you wrap your penis in toilet paper before putting the condom on?
TOM: You saw that? -I've been pulling tissue out of me all week.
Hey, Karen, you okay?
Guess who the big winner was at Indian bingo.
[CHEERING]
Attagirl, Peggy. Did you cheat?
-Well, of course. TOMMY: Ha-ha-ha.
How about you, Frank? You win anything?
-Come on, Mom, let me play. -Did you bring any cash?
FRANK: No. -Then no bingo for you.
Fuck you, Tommy.
[LAUGHING]
-Hey, Kev. -Hey, guys. What can I get you?
PEGGY: A couple Old Styles with whiskey backs...
...and a round for everyone on me.
ALL: Yeah!
PEGGY: Except for Jinny. I haven't forgotten...
...you fucked my husband, you miserable excuse for a vagina.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
-Hey, Kermit. -Frank.
Yeah, it kind of doesn't go away.
So your house is tricked out with all that handicap crap, then.
Hand rails, shower bench, Rascal Scooter.
How would you feel about taking in my mother?
-No. -It's just that I'm getting busy--
-I'm not taking care of your mother, Frank. -When he was 10, our family cat was in heat.
He thought that meant we should open the windows.
[LAUGHING]
-Fire in the hole. -Jasmine invited me out to David's boat.
I never been on a boat. Said it has gold-plated bathroom fixtures. You going?
-I don't know if I have time. VERONICA: It's the end of summer.
Before you know it, you'll be back to mittens and multiplication tables.
Maybe. I'm coming down.
It'll be a nice distraction for Kev.
-He's driving me crazy. -He's still upset?
It's not like Ethel was our real kid. She was our job.
FRANK: I'm getting them now. PEGGY: Bring down the Jergens.
Need you to massage my feet.
-Fiona. FIONA: Mm?
-We have to get rid of your grandmother. FIONA: What?
FRANK: Where are the toenail clippers?
I didn't want to say this...
-...but she's not happy here. -Put them back when you're done.
These are never gonna cut through her crusty talons.
How could she not be happy? She just moved in.
-Ah, he just doesn't wanna deal with her. -That's not true.
I love having her here. I wish I could spend all my waking hours with her.
-Do we have any bolt cutters? -Good. She's staying.
-The kids like having her around. -It's not their house. Do they pay rent?
She buys them things.
And she likes good food. That she pays for.
Shou|d've been here two nights ago. We had porterhouse.
You're invited and I'm not?
PEGGY: And I need some more chocolate Ensure.
Fiona, she's gone. With or without your help.
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
What do you make of these?
Three of the most boring states of our country.
My foster daughter's been sending these.
I'm trying to figure out where she's going or why she left.
"Having a nice time in Kansas. Ethe|."
-What does it mean? -If I had to guess...
-...she's having a nice time in Kansas. -Or she's being held at gunpoint...
-...forced to write that. -Like I'm not worried enough.
Just saying, you should get these postcards DNA tested.
-See if there's other fingerprints. -That's not gonna prove anything.
You know how many people have touched this postcard?
Then throw a blue light on it. Check if there's any blood or sweat.
-Or semen. That'|I tell a lot. KERMIT: Could be right.
Many foster kids become prostitutes.
Jesus. Give me those.
There's no semen on them and my kid's not a prostitute.
Social Services is on it.
Like they're on my sister's welfare checks that keep getting stolen?
STAN: I gotta go to my game. I'll see you guys later, okay?
[STAN CHUCKLES]
KEVIN: Stan, what the fuck are you doing? TOMMY: Holy shit.
Look at the hog on Stan.
Baseball game, what do you think?
-I've heard rumors about that thing. -Go to your apartment.
Get your hands off me, knucklehead.
You're gonna make me late.
-You don't have a baseball game. —Yes, I do. It's at Archer Field.
-I saw it today on my calendar. -Your calendar from 1984?
Come on, let's go upstairs.
Who's gonna play first base?
You know, Ijust got a call. They canceled the game.
Oh, jeez. And I had a lot of money on it too. Damn it.
Damn it.
Come on, Kevin. It's time to call Stan's daughter.
-Put him in a home. -Shut up. Stan's not going anywhere.
And Ethel is not a prostitute.
LIP: Surprised you called.
I need you to do something for me.
What?
-Get rid of Jody. -Kill him?
No, just make him go away. Everything he does is bugging me.
Get a divorce.
I can't. He'll take half of the money from my dad's life insurance.
You didn't get that yet?
No, they said another couple months.
-The police are still investigating. -Yeah?
But when I do finally get it though, I'm gonna open a tanning salon.
Or buy a convertible.
Or get a boob job.
Should have done a prenup.
Well, it's not too late.
KAREN: Aren't you supposed to get that before you get married?
Yeah, if you wanna do things the traditional way.
Look, we can print one up online.
I know a guy. He's a notary. He'll predate it for a couple hundred bucks.
Really?
-All you gotta do is get Jody to sign it. -Heh, that'll be easy.
-He's an idiot. -Oh, well. You said it, not me.
MAN [ON TV]: --the detectives working with him...
...decided the time had come to pick up the murderer....
You're in my way.
What's wrong with the TV?
Nothing. This show's in black and white.
You're still in my way.
Looks old.
So do I.
-Now move. DEBBIE: Here, Carl.
I found these old readers you can use.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
Little old for third grade, aren't you?
It's my second time.
Not too smart, huh?
Anything you're good at?
How about let's teach you a skill?
[CHATTERING]
[DEV'S ''IN THE DARK" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
I'm not promising I'm having any fun today, ladies.
-Here it is. -Wow.
Thought she was only having a few people over.
Dancing in the dark
Ooh, la, la Ooh, la, la
Why don't we party like this?
-You keep forgetting to buy a boat. -Oh, right.
[FIONA CHUCKLES]
Open my body up and do some surgery
JASMINE: Fiona. -Hey.
Hey! Come onboard. Grab some champagne. There's sushi.
Guess who's here?
Right there.
-With his W-I-F-E. -Oh, shit.
-Are we doing this? -I wanna see the Jacuzzi.
Push, push, push, push the start
Excuse me. My grandmother's having an allergy attack.
I need to buy her Sudafed, but I'm under 18 and her driver's license was revoked.
Can you buy it for her?
-You making meth? -Free rock when we're up and running.
[PEGGY CHUCKLES]
PEGGY: All right.
[DOOR BUZZES THEN OPENS]
[DOOR BUZZES]
-You wanted to speak with me? -Yes, Officer Rodriguez...
-...I think we may have a problem. -What kind of problem?
Well, uh, I'm not one to be a rat...
...but you might have released an inmate in error.
-And who might that be? -Peggy Gallagher.
You mean Body Bag?
That's her prison nickname. She was released on medical furlough.
That's just the thing. She's not sick.
-She's faking it. -Are you her doctor?
No, but I saw her in a kickboxing class today.
A 78-year-old woman?
I'm trying to do my part to preserve the integrity of our penal system.
She's old. She can barely walk.
What threat could she possibly be to society?
[SPANK'S "GET THAT MONEY" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Whoo!
Whoo, that shit is awesome.
Should have been hanging with me sooner. It was snowing all summer in Chicago.
-Ha-ha-ha! -So this is where the party's at.
What's up, you dirty fucker? How's it hanging?
-Long and hairy, hard to carry. KEVIN: Ha-ha-ha-ha!
I miss you, man.
STEVE: Sure that's not the drugs talking?
-It might be. Heh-heh-heh. -You remember Kev and the gang, right?
[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
KEVIN: Hola.
Ooh, I love this song.
Estefania, let's go dance. Have you ever heard of Jell-O shots?
Ooh, you are so sexy. Come here.
What are you waiting for? Drop trou. Jump in.
STEVE: All right. -What?
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Oh....
-Ha-ha! -Ooh!
What'd you expect? I've been in Brazil for months.
Ah....
H9)’-
All right.
Where are you going? I thought you said we were totally cool.
I like your bathing suit.
Thank you.
For the first day of school, what if I wear this red top...
...with these blue shorts?
Must be nice to not get hand—me—downs.
Or is the pink top better?
IAN: Not stuck with Lip's old crap.
It has flowers on it.
Flowers are for babies, aren't they?
You're lucky Fiona's clothes don't fit you yet.
Get to have all new stuff.
Ian, I'm gonna need a little more help than this.
Good, you're here.
I'm trying to make a good impression for my last year of elementary.
-Red top, blue shorts. -That's what I thought. Thanks.
[LIP CLEARS THROAT]
Karen and I are getting back together. She ditched Jody. Now I can step up.
Be a father to our kid.
-Why, what's wrong with Jody? -He's a tool.
DEBBIE: He is? LIP: Mm-hm.
How will I know if I'm dating a tool?
You'll figure it out. Or we'll beat the shit out of him for you.
Okay. Cool.
Pathetic.
Ladies and gentlemen, he speaks.
You could have anything you want.
This is the life you choose?
I'm not gonna split on my kid like Frank.
IAN: Fucking waste. LIP: You know what?
You're the one pretending to date Mandy so you can fuck her brother.
Even the Pentagon says it's okay to be gay...
...but you're too chickenshit.
Least I'm not getting trapped by some skank.
-Fuck you. -You'll probably quit school.
-Start working at Best Buy. -Watch your mouth!
I wonder how long before you start huffing glue.
Hey! Hey!
Put all that Sudafed down in the basement, Carl.
I know what's going on here. Saw it with my own boys.
[IAN COUGHS]
One of the lions has to leave the den.
Strongest one's gotta push the other one out or eat him.
Only one way to resolve this. Somebody's gotta bleed.
Fight it out. See who's alpha wolf.
-I'll kick your ass. -Won't last two minutes.
No knives, no guns, no bricks.
-Just fists. -Tomorrow?
—Labor Day. I work till five. -Six, then. Under the 'L'.
[DOOR OPENS]
-Okay. FRANK: Chocolate Ensure.
-Just like you wanted. -Too late.
Gotta go to bed. Take me upstairs.
I need you to powder under my tits, I'm chaffing like a son of a bitch.
Honey, I 'm so sorry.
We should get on Take the Money and Run after you have the baby.
-We could totally win. -Oh. Shoot. Gosh, I forgot.
I need you to sign a few things.
-Can it wait till after the show? -It'll just take a second.
-What are they? -Joint credit card application.
Checking accounts. Safety deposit box. Some boring bank stuff.
Heh-heh-heh. Oh, man, poor guy's crying like a baby.
Just sign here.
Mm-hm.
MAN 1 [ON TV]: Cliche saying, you know, whatever doesn't kill you...
...makes you stronger. I am strong.
[JODY CHUCKLES]
MAN 2 [ON TV]: In these trying economic times....
Prenuptial agreement? We're already married.
You can do it aftenlvards in some states.
Okay-
I love you no matter what.
[KAREN CHUCKLES]
[THE DNC'S "DANCE (THE WAY IT MOVES)" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
llove it, love it, love it
-Ow! What the fuck! -Quit trying to rape my friends, Scotty.
-How you feeling? -Oh, my God, great party, Jazzy.
I'm glad you're having fun.
Did V tell you we're gonna hit the highway, find Ethel?
-We're what? -Did I not say that out loud to you yet?
No.
The idea came to me when I did my third line of coke.
VERONICA: We are not riding down Route 66 looking for Ethel.
-Why are you so heartless? -We're supposed to be having fun.
Tell him to stop calling his wife heartless.
-My fake wife. STEVE: Guys, guys. Come on.
-Relax, it's just the drugs talking. -This is the drugs leaving.
-You're not leaving. I'm leaving. VERONICA: I said it first.
KEVIN: Yeah, well, I said it last. VERONICA: I'm gonna throw your ass...
...over the boat!
I'm gonna check on Estefania. Make sure she's still breathing.
I can, uh, give you a ride home if you want.
I'm all set. I took Kev's keys a couple of hours ago.
-I'm gonna get some more champagne. -Yeah.
Dangerous is the way it moves
Got me floatin' Got me gone
Hypnotize when I'm on the floor
[MORCHEEBA'S "EVEN THOUGH" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Even though we know It's forever changing
Even though we know We lie and wait
How many of these people do you think Jasmine actually knows?
Even though we know The hidden danger
-Were you ever gonna tell me? -Yes. Many times.
When? On the flight to Miami?
Or is telling your girlfriend about your other life...
...more of an international waters conversation?
Why does my name have to make a difference?
-You're also married. -Say the word, and I'll leave her.
The fact that you would do that means that I could never be with you.
[ESTEFANIA SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
-She doesn't hold her liquor very well. -Ah, you should take her home.
[ESTEFANIA SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
[ESTEFANIA GRUNTS]
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
-Uh, we'll finish this later. FIONA: Hm.
Good night, Jimmy.
[ESTEFANIA SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
Fuck.
Fuck.
Thought she was out for good.
You have a chance to talk?
I don't know what I'm doing.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Why couldn't he just stay in Costa Rica or Brazil or wherever the hell he was?
Hey, look at me.
Men are assholes.
And you deserve to have someone treat you like a queen.
Mrn.
I misread that, didn't I? I'm sorry.
It's late. I should get going.
It's just that I love you, Fiona. And I-- Forget it.
Forgetjust everything I said. I'm really drunk and high.
I'm gonna go.
That's a good idea. I'm an idiot. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
-Thanks for the party. -Yeah.
Okay-
[JASMINE EXHALES SHARPLY]
Fuck.
I've been kissed by a rose
Oh. Oh, yeah.
There is so much a man can tell you So much he can say
[JODY MOANING]
My power, my pleasure, my pain
[KAREN SCREAMING]
What's wrong? What's wrong? Is everything all right?
-I can't breathe! -Is it the baby?
No. It's you. Get out.
-What? -Get out!
Shit! Out where? Did I do something to upset you?
Yes! Everything!
-Get out! -Baby, are you sure? I love you--
Aahl
Karen? When do you want me to come back in?
-Never! -Shouldn't we talk about this?
Karen?
[TRAIN RUMBLING]
[EXPLOSION THEN FIONA YELLS]
-What was that? -No idea. I'll investigate.
-What was it? -Nothing out there.
CARL: Fiona! Fiona!
-Where's your grandmother? -Buying more supplies.
I'm gonna kill her.
She could live upstairs with Stan. Look after each other.
They've always had a thing.
-I wouldn't charge you that much. -For what?
My matchmaking services. It's a win-win for everyone.
Frank, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about...
...but if you don't shut up, I'm gonna stab you with this ice scooper.
-What did I do this time? -Where's your mother?
She didn't need me this morning, had some personal business to do.
I change her diaper, what's more personal than that?
—Shot of Jager, Kev. -Uh, don't hit the bar, Fi.
If you're buying, make it two.
I never thought I'd say this, but you were right.
We have to get rid of her.
JODY: Hey, Lip.
[SIREN WAILING]
LIP: Jody?
How's it going, man?
What, uh...? What are you doing?
Karen kicked me out.
-So you're, uh, sleeping under the 'L'? -Talked to my friend Lisa.
She said this is what happens to women when they're pregnant. It's hormones.
You sure about that?
No, you won't, weirdo!
I'll see you.
-We could put a hit out on her. -She's your mother.
Like you haven't thought about doing that to me before.
Can't we call the police? The FBI? Tell them about the meth lab.
-They'd haul us away. -Not me, I had nothing to do with it.
Happened in our house. You're an accomplice.
-And there are minors involved. TOMMY: Something's leaking. Come on.
Ah, shit, not again. What the fuck?
Fucking Stan.
What if she happens to commit a crime away from the house?
You mean like we set her up?
I don't know. I hadn't fleshed it out. I guess that's what I mean.
Finally thinking like a Gallagher.
She's putting our lives in danger.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
We could have the cops pick her up, tell them it's a Chapter 405.
-A mental disorder? -They'd take her away.
Involuntary psychiatric hold.
-Just like that? -No questions asked.
[FIONA LAUGHING]
-That'|| work. -That'|| work.
Stan, you leave the tub running again?
Goddamn it.
Aah! Fuck! Cock, cock, cock, cock, cock!
Goddamn it.
[WATER RUNNING]
Stan.
No, no. No, no, no. Stan. Stan.
_Aah! _Aah!
-What are you doing? -Jesus Christ!
You stupid old shit! You scared the hell out of me.
-What? -I thought you were dead.
No, no, I'm just taking a bath.
Why was it overflowing?
Well, the water got cold, so I was adding some hot water.
-I guess I fell asleep. -Stan, you can't keep doing that...
-...or you won't be able to live on your own. -Please, I'm fine.
Yeah? You left the stove on too.
Yeah, I know that. I did it on purpose.
Now get the hell out of here.
-Get out. -You're lucky I don't drown you.
Ah, get out. Ee....
FIONA: Okay, so we'll clean up the meth lab, air the place out, then call.
They'll bring her to a geriatric psych ward, hold her 72 hours, do an evaluation--
-What if they find her normal? -Get the fu--
Okay, you're right.
When she doesn't pass, they'll hold her another 14 days, then test her again.
Why didn't we think of this sooner?
I warned you about this yesterday. But do you listen to me?
No, you don't.
-Shit. Carl. -We cou|d've avoided every--
[I NDISTI NCT RADIO CHATTER]
-What's going on? What happened? -I'm fine. Don't listen to them.
-You the guardians of Margaret Gallagher? -She is.
She's my grandmother.
-What happened? -Your grandmother blacked out.
She was at an Ace Hardware, fell, was taken to the emergency room.
-What was it? -ER doc says cancer.
Stage IV, pancreatic. Doesn't have long to live.
-Thank you, Lord. CARL: Grammy.
Hey, it smells in here. You blow up our lab?
-A little bit. PEGGY: Oh, come here.
We'll get it right next time.
PARAMEDIC: She's gotta be in a lot of pain.
Shouldn't be leaving the house.
These morons don't know what they're talking about.
Sign this form, please. If she were my grandmother, I'd call hospice.
They can manage her pain. Make her more comfortable.
[PEGGY SIGHS]
Hey, knucklehead, set up the card table.
I wanna teach Carl a little five-card stud.
JODY [SINGING]: I'm all out of love
I'm so lost without you
I know you were right
Believing for so long
I'm all out of love
What am I without you?
Shit, I can still see him.
To say that I was so wrong
Shut the fuck up!
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
KAREN: Now, where were we? -Uh, it's okay, it's okay.
[LIP SIGHS]
But I owe you for the prenup.
[GRUNTS]
It's a little hard to keep going with Michael Bolton out there serenading us.
-I'm gonna get a restraining order. -That's okay.
I gotta go beat the shit out of Ian anyway.
Call you later.
JODY: If you don't like Air Supply, I know other songs.
ISIGHS]
[SIREN WAILING]
You're late. Where the fuck you been?
Just getting blown by some, uh, pregnant skank, as you called her.
Because that's what she is.
[GRUNTING]
Fuck.
I'm sick of living in your shadow.
Who the fuck's asking you to?
It's hard not to when all my clothes are hand—me—downs.
Well, it's not my fault I was born first...
...or more handsome or smarter.
-Asshole. -Dickhead.
Wanna get a beer?
Yeah.
[TRAIN RUMBLING]
Let's go. School. Come on, monkeys.
[FIONA CLAPS HANDS]
-Carl, come on, get out of there. -Our house still smells like meth.
Yeah, whose fault is that?
Whoa. Good way to start school.
-Wow! You look nice, Debs. -Thanks.
Hey, little fella, did you get out of your crib yourself? Oh, my gosh.
Lip, come on, wake up.
LIP: Ah. -Gallagher tickle spot. Come on.
-First day of school, senior. LIP: Oh.
-Not going. -You sick?
-Nope. Dropped out. -What are you talking about?
-Quit. -You only have a year left.
Gotta get a job. Take care of Karen and my kid.
VERONICA: Kev?
-Kev, wake up. KEVIN: What is it?
-Ethel's missing. -I know, for two weeks.
Not that Ethel. Ethel Number Two.
[MAKING KISSY NOISES]
Ethel!
How'd she get out in the first place?
-Ethel? -Baby?
-I was cleaning out her cage. Ethel! KEVIN: And?
-Forgot the back door was open. -V.
-It was hot inside. KEVIN: Yo, you let our new bunny escape.
I didn't do it on purpose.
[SNIFFLES]
Hey, come here. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
It's all my fault.
KEVIN: No, it isn't.
I was cold to her when she first got here.
Yeah, but you warmed up real quick.
Because I loved her.
She knew that.
[SNIFFLES]
Then why did she leave us?
ISIGHS]
I wish I knew.
We're talking about the real Ethel, right?
I think we should have our own kid.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Yeah? Well, hell, heh-heh, can we start right now?
[VERONICA LAUGHING]
KEVIN: Mm-hm. VERONICA: Aah!
Ethel!
KEVIN: Oh, shit, there she is. Okay, hold on.
Don't you hop away from us, you dumb fucking whore!
Hi, I'm calling about my brother.
-Uh, yeah, I can hold. -Hey.
Hey, I'm on hold.
Sorry about the other night. I was pretty drunk.
Uh, yeah, I'm still here. Phillip Gallagher, twelfth grade.
Uh, won't be in school today. He's sick.
I think it's just a summer cold. He'll be there tomorrow.
Okay. Okay. bye-
-I'm pretty embarrassed about the other night. -It's okay. Don't even worry about it.
I have some blow left over. We could get into some trouble today.
Uh, you should go home.
Actually, I don't have a home.
-What? JASMINE: Yeah.
Hal found out about David, he kicked me out.
-Jesus. -It's okay.
It was bound to happen sooner or later, right? Heh.
-I guess so. -Now I get to start over.
Do what I want. Be a single woman.
What about your kids? Are they doing okay?
Eh, Hal's better with them. I've just been staying on David's boat.
Although he didn't know until the cops showed up.
-You've been breaking into his boat? -He never uses it. It's just sitting there.
I gave him the best blow jobs of his life.
You saw him. I was so out of his league.
I gotta get in the shower, start looking for a job.
Hey, do you think I could stay here for a couple of days?
-What? -I'll kick in some rent money.
-No. -No? But I do everything for you.
-What are you talking about? JASMINE: I brought Steve to the party.
I gave you a job this winter. I gave you clothes and jewelry.
[BURPSI
-She still alive? -I haven't been up there.
Fuck me.
I got Estefania drunk so that you could have sex with Steve.
I didn't wanna have sex with Steve.
-Ha! Right. -I don't need you meddling in my life.
Meddling? When you need something from me it's fine...
...but when I need something, suddenly little Miss Fiona runs away?
-Okay, you need to go. -Fine!
I don't give a shit! You just kick me out like David and Hal!
You're all just a bunch of assholes!
ISIGHS]
Jasmine.
Ah, fuck.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
Get out of my yard.
Why didn't you meet me at the airport?
I was on my way.
What happened?
Doesn't matter now.
I love you.
Don't.
No one's gonna notice some new dude suddenly showing up?
No one gives a shit. This is Irving's room. He kicked it a few days ago.
It'll be weeks before anyone figures out.
[WHISPERING] Okay, I'll get his legs. On three.
One, two, three.
[STAN BURPS]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Do it again. Ready? One, two, three.
[STAN BURPS]
Fuck it, leave him. Wait, we forgot his buddy.
[KEVIN SIGHS]
VERONICA: Aw. I'll look in on him every day.
KEVIN: See you tomorrow, Stan.
[English - US - SDH]
...this is what happened last week on Shameless.
-Hey, you filthy fucking Portuguese. KEVIN: Stan's losing his marbles.
-What happened? -You fucked my sister.
KEVIN: He shouldn't be alone. -Call his daughter.
-I'm gonna come down-- -He wants to stay in his apartment.
-Where you been? -Brazil.
We should get together, have lunch.
FIONA: I'm seeing someone. STEVE: So am I. Bring him.
STEVE: Estefania doesn't speak English. -You're married?
You married a drug lord's daughter to hang on to your ear?
I missed you.
-Hey- -okaY-
Whoa.
DEBBIE: Was it weird seeing Jimmy? FIONA: Who's Jimmy?
Jimmy is Steve.
V, they're gone. Ethel and Jonah.
All their stuff is gone. His clothes, her suitcase, gone.
Fuck you. I'll make West Point on my own. I don't need you.
She's a married mother publicly flaunting the geriatric she's sleeping with.
JASMINE: Come on, I need an accomplice.
When I tell Hal we're going out, I won't be lying.
I'm sorry, who are you?
-I'm your grandmother. -Grammy showed up.
-Grammy's back. -Jesus. They let you out?
Surprised to see you. Thought you were doing 20 to life.
I will fuck you up.
-Oh, my God. There's a woman with a gun. -Shit.
-She's at a party. She's shooting people. -Pull it! Do it!
[GUNSHOT]
And I'm gonna kick your ass.
-Put some pants on, man. -I got pants on.
FIONA: Mm.
Babe, stop.
Come on. You know I hate that.
I'm gonna stick my thumb in your butt if you don't stop.
JASMINE: Mm, now we're talking. Mm.
Morning, sunshine.
-Who let you in? -Carl.
We don't let people in the house before I wake up!
-Which guy doesn't like a finger up the butt? -What are you doing here?
I came to invite you out on David's boat today.
I thought you weren't allowed. Isn't it the wife's?
Yeah, but they're dropping one of the brats off at college.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Oh. Steve's back in town.
-Not sure what to do about it. -Bring him. Boat's got a Jacuzzi.
Ah, kids start school Tuesday. Got a lot to do to get ready.
So come for an hour.
Everybody says that, but it never happens.
-I'll kick you out after an hour. -Shouldn't you get your kids ready?
Hal's on it. He loves doing that crap.
So you'll come?
I'll think about it. I'm gonna take a shower now, wash your slobber off me.
You know, men pay lots of money for that slobber.
-Oh, yeah. Thanks for the visual. -Mm.
Go make yourself useful. I need coffee.
You look like shit, Frank. You just getting in?
-Just got up. -It's 7 a.m.
Hurry up. I gotta help my mother out of bed and take her to the bathroom.
Putting a damper on your drink-puke-sleep schedule, huh?
I can't take it anymore.
Your problem, not ours.
What about this little guy? Hey, fella. Oh....
KEVIN: Yeah, I don't know, V. VERONICA: Oh, come on.
He's so cute. How could anyone have abandoned him?
-And his tongue is almost as good as yours. -A dog is not gonna fill the hole in my heart.
When you gonna get over this, Kev?
Doesn't it bother you that Ethel's gone?
-It bothers me we're not gonna get the money. -Why would she leave us?
-She's ungrateful. -Stop.
If she doesn't give a shit about us, why should we give a shit about her?
She was family.
-We have to move on. -I liked having someone depend on me.
-Well, then pick out a stupid dog. -Dogs are too much responsibility.
A kid isn't? A cat then.
-It's gonna piss everywhere. -We're not leaving here without something.
Fine.
We'll get that.
This baby is pushing on my bladder.
Morning.
Ah, Jesus. Not again.
[SEAL'S "KISS FROM A ROSE" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
-Knowing you were peeing made me horny. -You're a sex addict.
Knowing I have a cold sore makes you horny.
[GRUNTING]
I've been kissed by a rose
Look at me. Look at me, I'm about to come.
Look at me. Oh, baby.
Oh. Oh, baby. Oh, baby.
My power, my pleasure, my pain.
My power, my pleasure, my pain
[GASPING]
To me you're like a growing addiction That I can't deny
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?
KAREN: Oh.
Why do you always do that?
JODY: What? -Cry.
To release.
-It's weird. JODY: I can't help it.
I feel so close to you.
It's like I'm giving you all my hurt and joy to hold and protect.
[JODY SOBBING]
So gay-
Be nice to have a little Jean Nate in the water.
FRANK: I'll get some tomorrow.
And stop breathing all over me.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
I wanna go to Indian bingo today.
-I'm feeling lucky. -Can't. Got a big day planned.
Where? At the Alibi?
We can go after you take me to Indian bingo.
I was thinking. We should look for a new place for you to live today.
Why the hell would I wanna do that?
Be a lot more comfortable.
Walk-in tub.
One of those chair-stair things.
Ramp on the front porch.
You'd be a lot more independent.
I don't need it.
-I have you. -Well...
...I can't always be here. Got a full-time job. Six kids to raise.
Are we talking about the same person?
Scrub harder. You're scrubbing like a pussy.
Oh. That's a disturbing image.
-Morning, Lip. LIP: How's it going, Grams?
[ZIPPER OPENS]
-You fuck girls with that pecker? -As often as they let me.
Hard to believe he got Karen pregnant with that thing. It's so small, isn't it?
[LAUGHING]
Don't kiss up to me because you feel like a worthless piece of shit.
Missed a spot, Frank.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
-Assfuck. -Jackoff.
-You guys still not talking? -Dude!
-Carl! -What the fuck?
Why have I never done that before?
You have too much time on your hands. Summer school next year.
-How's your head? -Little dizzy.
You're fine. Go have some breakfast.
LIP: How much in the winter squirrel fund?
Just over nine grand.
-That's all to get us through winter? -Frank screwed us when he gave Liam away.
-There was the compressor for the fridge. -The stuff for Liam's infection. Mwah.
Everyone needs to get winter jobs. Debs, get down here.
-Breakfast. DEBBIE: I'll be right there.
I'll use the downstairs toilet.
School supplies and clothing. Nothing else.
No candy, drugs, beer or concert tickets. I want receipts.
What if the drugs are really good?
-Still here? -I got caught up reading a magazine.
Hey, that's mine.
Debs, I need you to find the backpacks and any old school books.
-Carl, put the supplies in the basement. DEBBIE: Okay.
-Roger that. -Lip, you and Ian clean the pool.
There's a few surprises in there.
-Carl, tell Lip to do it himself. -Lip, Ian says you can do it yourself.
Tell Ian he's being a douche bag for not talking to me.
-You're being a douche-- FIONA: Okay.
Whatever you guys are doing, I want it over before school starts.
-So figure it out. -Mommy, what's my assignment?
-Ah, go home to your family? -Actually...
...I need to go get the boat ready. Belmont Harbor.
Slip 22. Two o'clock.
—I said I'll think about it. -Uh-huh.
FRANK: I wanna see what Fiona's cooking for breakfast.
It's a rooster in the henhouse. Hide the money.
FIONA: Morning, Grammy. LIP: Morning, Grammy.
[CHATTERING]
Your grandmother thinks you're being selfish by not spending time with her.
Why don't you hang out?
Have girl time. I'm gonna eat.
PEGGY: Frank. -Aargh!
Give me two three-minute eggs, dry toast, and a cup of Maxwell House...
...before we go to Indian bingo.
Have fun, you guys.
[FRANK SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
-Only one cup. -Mm?
-That's your second cup. -So?
So baby book says caffeine's not good for the fetus.
-Well, it's good for me. -Hey.
You want our baby to come out healthy?
You Okay?
-Yeah. -Sure?
Yes, stop asking me. I'm fine.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Door is open. -Who's here?
My friends from tattoo school. I told you.
Come in, come in.
[KIDS LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]
They're gonna give us some info about natural childbirth.
-Hey, you guys! MAN: Look at this man.
Hey, motherfucker.
Yeah. Looking good.
Just fucking sits there.
-Should we take her out of the cage? -Probably needs to acclimate.
Let's call her Ethel Number Two.
[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
-What did we do wrong, V? -We didn't do anything wrong.
I feel like we should be looking for her.
-Social Services says they're on it. -Please. Social Services.
You think they have time to look for her? You heard that woman.
-Eighty-five percent of foster kids run away. -There's nothing we can do.
—Maybe she didn't like living here. -You said 85 percent of foster kids run away.
What makes you think we're in the top 15 percent?
How can you be so cold about this?
Because she hurt my Kev.
And no one hurts my Kev.
Come here.
-Mm, my baby's getting his mojo back. -It was never gone, just on hold.
[VERONICA LAUGHS]
Oh, shit.
What?
One of her weird underwear things. So what?
I'm not in the mood anymore.
-What--? Well, where are you going? -The Alibi Room.
We can do Lady and the Tramp.
I'm sorry if it's gonna take me longer to get over losing our child than you, V.
Please don't go out in public with that shirt.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Hey. -I didn't text you back for a reason.
-I wanna explain. -Don't. I got everything I need, Jimmy.
-I'm still Fiona, by the way. -Fiona.
When I found out you were married, I was hurt.
But when you had a whole other life, I realized I dodged a bullet.
-I was trying to explain at the restaurant. -Not necessary. We're totally cool.
Everything's great, Jimmy-Steve.
I'll be seeing you around.
JODY: These powdered doughnuts are fantastic.
HELEN: I got them at Costco. Case was only $5. -We were there to get a Vizio flat screen.
Two hundred bucks later, no Vizio.
-Just a cart full of groceries. -Which we needed more than a TV.
-It's hard to watch the game on a baked ham. HELEN: Heh.
You guys can use our membership card any time you want.
Great. Lots of stuff we need around the house.
-I guess. -You know what you and I should do?
Can you pass the Pop-Tarts, honey?
We should go in on a couple of cases of diapers.
Mm?
Since our babies will probably be born around the same time.
-You're pregnant? -Why do you think I'm eating so much?
You could save a bundle on your hospital bills if you just have the baby at home.
-You have a tub? -Yeah, upstairs.
Besides, if you deliver at the hospital, you risk them slicing you like a turkey.
-What? LISA: Yeah, it's true.
Victor here--? Come here, baby.
He was 9 pounds. His little elbow was stuck behind my pelvis.
-Doctors had to give me an episiotomy. -What's that?
It's where they cut you open from vagina to anus.
You don't feel a thing. There's good drugs.
TOM: I got the video. -She doesn't wanna see that.
Nobody wants to see it.
I'm telling you, have the baby in the tub. It'll squirt right out.
LISA: My lady business hasn't been the same since the episiotomy.
-I swear I could fit a walrus up there. -It's not that bad.
Why did you wrap your penis in toilet paper before putting the condom on?
TOM: You saw that? -I've been pulling tissue out of me all week.
Hey, Karen, you okay?
Guess who the big winner was at Indian bingo.
[CHEERING]
Attagirl, Peggy. Did you cheat?
-Well, of course. TOMMY: Ha-ha-ha.
How about you, Frank? You win anything?
-Come on, Mom, let me play. -Did you bring any cash?
FRANK: No. -Then no bingo for you.
Fuck you, Tommy.
[LAUGHING]
-Hey, Kev. -Hey, guys. What can I get you?
PEGGY: A couple Old Styles with whiskey backs...
...and a round for everyone on me.
ALL: Yeah!
PEGGY: Except for Jinny. I haven't forgotten...
...you fucked my husband, you miserable excuse for a vagina.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
-Hey, Kermit. -Frank.
Yeah, it kind of doesn't go away.
So your house is tricked out with all that handicap crap, then.
Hand rails, shower bench, Rascal Scooter.
How would you feel about taking in my mother?
-No. -It's just that I'm getting busy--
-I'm not taking care of your mother, Frank. -When he was 10, our family cat was in heat.
He thought that meant we should open the windows.
[LAUGHING]
-Fire in the hole. -Jasmine invited me out to David's boat.
I never been on a boat. Said it has gold-plated bathroom fixtures. You going?
-I don't know if I have time. VERONICA: It's the end of summer.
Before you know it, you'll be back to mittens and multiplication tables.
Maybe. I'm coming down.
It'll be a nice distraction for Kev.
-He's driving me crazy. -He's still upset?
It's not like Ethel was our real kid. She was our job.
FRANK: I'm getting them now. PEGGY: Bring down the Jergens.
Need you to massage my feet.
-Fiona. FIONA: Mm?
-We have to get rid of your grandmother. FIONA: What?
FRANK: Where are the toenail clippers?
I didn't want to say this...
-...but she's not happy here. -Put them back when you're done.
These are never gonna cut through her crusty talons.
How could she not be happy? She just moved in.
-Ah, he just doesn't wanna deal with her. -That's not true.
I love having her here. I wish I could spend all my waking hours with her.
-Do we have any bolt cutters? -Good. She's staying.
-The kids like having her around. -It's not their house. Do they pay rent?
She buys them things.
And she likes good food. That she pays for.
Shou|d've been here two nights ago. We had porterhouse.
You're invited and I'm not?
PEGGY: And I need some more chocolate Ensure.
Fiona, she's gone. With or without your help.
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
What do you make of these?
Three of the most boring states of our country.
My foster daughter's been sending these.
I'm trying to figure out where she's going or why she left.
"Having a nice time in Kansas. Ethe|."
-What does it mean? -If I had to guess...
-...she's having a nice time in Kansas. -Or she's being held at gunpoint...
-...forced to write that. -Like I'm not worried enough.
Just saying, you should get these postcards DNA tested.
-See if there's other fingerprints. -That's not gonna prove anything.
You know how many people have touched this postcard?
Then throw a blue light on it. Check if there's any blood or sweat.
-Or semen. That'|I tell a lot. KERMIT: Could be right.
Many foster kids become prostitutes.
Jesus. Give me those.
There's no semen on them and my kid's not a prostitute.
Social Services is on it.
Like they're on my sister's welfare checks that keep getting stolen?
STAN: I gotta go to my game. I'll see you guys later, okay?
[STAN CHUCKLES]
KEVIN: Stan, what the fuck are you doing? TOMMY: Holy shit.
Look at the hog on Stan.
Baseball game, what do you think?
-I've heard rumors about that thing. -Go to your apartment.
Get your hands off me, knucklehead.
You're gonna make me late.
-You don't have a baseball game. —Yes, I do. It's at Archer Field.
-I saw it today on my calendar. -Your calendar from 1984?
Come on, let's go upstairs.
Who's gonna play first base?
You know, Ijust got a call. They canceled the game.
Oh, jeez. And I had a lot of money on it too. Damn it.
Damn it.
Come on, Kevin. It's time to call Stan's daughter.
-Put him in a home. -Shut up. Stan's not going anywhere.
And Ethel is not a prostitute.
LIP: Surprised you called.
I need you to do something for me.
What?
-Get rid of Jody. -Kill him?
No, just make him go away. Everything he does is bugging me.
Get a divorce.
I can't. He'll take half of the money from my dad's life insurance.
You didn't get that yet?
No, they said another couple months.
-The police are still investigating. -Yeah?
But when I do finally get it though, I'm gonna open a tanning salon.
Or buy a convertible.
Or get a boob job.
Should have done a prenup.
Well, it's not too late.
KAREN: Aren't you supposed to get that before you get married?
Yeah, if you wanna do things the traditional way.
Look, we can print one up online.
I know a guy. He's a notary. He'll predate it for a couple hundred bucks.
Really?
-All you gotta do is get Jody to sign it. -Heh, that'll be easy.
-He's an idiot. -Oh, well. You said it, not me.
MAN [ON TV]: --the detectives working with him...
...decided the time had come to pick up the murderer....
You're in my way.
What's wrong with the TV?
Nothing. This show's in black and white.
You're still in my way.
Looks old.
So do I.
-Now move. DEBBIE: Here, Carl.
I found these old readers you can use.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
Little old for third grade, aren't you?
It's my second time.
Not too smart, huh?
Anything you're good at?
How about let's teach you a skill?
[CHATTERING]
[DEV'S ''IN THE DARK" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
I'm not promising I'm having any fun today, ladies.
-Here it is. -Wow.
Thought she was only having a few people over.
Dancing in the dark
Ooh, la, la Ooh, la, la
Why don't we party like this?
-You keep forgetting to buy a boat. -Oh, right.
[FIONA CHUCKLES]
Open my body up and do some surgery
JASMINE: Fiona. -Hey.
Hey! Come onboard. Grab some champagne. There's sushi.
Guess who's here?
Right there.
-With his W-I-F-E. -Oh, shit.
-Are we doing this? -I wanna see the Jacuzzi.
Push, push, push, push the start
Excuse me. My grandmother's having an allergy attack.
I need to buy her Sudafed, but I'm under 18 and her driver's license was revoked.
Can you buy it for her?
-You making meth? -Free rock when we're up and running.
[PEGGY CHUCKLES]
PEGGY: All right.
[DOOR BUZZES THEN OPENS]
[DOOR BUZZES]
-You wanted to speak with me? -Yes, Officer Rodriguez...
-...I think we may have a problem. -What kind of problem?
Well, uh, I'm not one to be a rat...
...but you might have released an inmate in error.
-And who might that be? -Peggy Gallagher.
You mean Body Bag?
That's her prison nickname. She was released on medical furlough.
That's just the thing. She's not sick.
-She's faking it. -Are you her doctor?
No, but I saw her in a kickboxing class today.
A 78-year-old woman?
I'm trying to do my part to preserve the integrity of our penal system.
She's old. She can barely walk.
What threat could she possibly be to society?
[SPANK'S "GET THAT MONEY" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Whoo!
Whoo, that shit is awesome.
Should have been hanging with me sooner. It was snowing all summer in Chicago.
-Ha-ha-ha! -So this is where the party's at.
What's up, you dirty fucker? How's it hanging?
-Long and hairy, hard to carry. KEVIN: Ha-ha-ha-ha!
I miss you, man.
STEVE: Sure that's not the drugs talking?
-It might be. Heh-heh-heh. -You remember Kev and the gang, right?
[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
KEVIN: Hola.
Ooh, I love this song.
Estefania, let's go dance. Have you ever heard of Jell-O shots?
Ooh, you are so sexy. Come here.
What are you waiting for? Drop trou. Jump in.
STEVE: All right. -What?
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Oh....
-Ha-ha! -Ooh!
What'd you expect? I've been in Brazil for months.
Ah....
H9)’-
All right.
Where are you going? I thought you said we were totally cool.
I like your bathing suit.
Thank you.
For the first day of school, what if I wear this red top...
...with these blue shorts?
Must be nice to not get hand—me—downs.
Or is the pink top better?
IAN: Not stuck with Lip's old crap.
It has flowers on it.
Flowers are for babies, aren't they?
You're lucky Fiona's clothes don't fit you yet.
Get to have all new stuff.
Ian, I'm gonna need a little more help than this.
Good, you're here.
I'm trying to make a good impression for my last year of elementary.
-Red top, blue shorts. -That's what I thought. Thanks.
[LIP CLEARS THROAT]
Karen and I are getting back together. She ditched Jody. Now I can step up.
Be a father to our kid.
-Why, what's wrong with Jody? -He's a tool.
DEBBIE: He is? LIP: Mm-hm.
How will I know if I'm dating a tool?
You'll figure it out. Or we'll beat the shit out of him for you.
Okay. Cool.
Pathetic.
Ladies and gentlemen, he speaks.
You could have anything you want.
This is the life you choose?
I'm not gonna split on my kid like Frank.
IAN: Fucking waste. LIP: You know what?
You're the one pretending to date Mandy so you can fuck her brother.
Even the Pentagon says it's okay to be gay...
...but you're too chickenshit.
Least I'm not getting trapped by some skank.
-Fuck you. -You'll probably quit school.
-Start working at Best Buy. -Watch your mouth!
I wonder how long before you start huffing glue.
Hey! Hey!
Put all that Sudafed down in the basement, Carl.
I know what's going on here. Saw it with my own boys.
[IAN COUGHS]
One of the lions has to leave the den.
Strongest one's gotta push the other one out or eat him.
Only one way to resolve this. Somebody's gotta bleed.
Fight it out. See who's alpha wolf.
-I'll kick your ass. -Won't last two minutes.
No knives, no guns, no bricks.
-Just fists. -Tomorrow?
—Labor Day. I work till five. -Six, then. Under the 'L'.
[DOOR OPENS]
-Okay. FRANK: Chocolate Ensure.
-Just like you wanted. -Too late.
Gotta go to bed. Take me upstairs.
I need you to powder under my tits, I'm chaffing like a son of a bitch.
Honey, I 'm so sorry.
We should get on Take the Money and Run after you have the baby.
-We could totally win. -Oh. Shoot. Gosh, I forgot.
I need you to sign a few things.
-Can it wait till after the show? -It'll just take a second.
-What are they? -Joint credit card application.
Checking accounts. Safety deposit box. Some boring bank stuff.
Heh-heh-heh. Oh, man, poor guy's crying like a baby.
Just sign here.
Mm-hm.
MAN 1 [ON TV]: Cliche saying, you know, whatever doesn't kill you...
...makes you stronger. I am strong.
[JODY CHUCKLES]
MAN 2 [ON TV]: In these trying economic times....
Prenuptial agreement? We're already married.
You can do it aftenlvards in some states.
Okay-
I love you no matter what.
[KAREN CHUCKLES]
[THE DNC'S "DANCE (THE WAY IT MOVES)" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
llove it, love it, love it
-Ow! What the fuck! -Quit trying to rape my friends, Scotty.
-How you feeling? -Oh, my God, great party, Jazzy.
I'm glad you're having fun.
Did V tell you we're gonna hit the highway, find Ethel?
-We're what? -Did I not say that out loud to you yet?
No.
The idea came to me when I did my third line of coke.
VERONICA: We are not riding down Route 66 looking for Ethel.
-Why are you so heartless? -We're supposed to be having fun.
Tell him to stop calling his wife heartless.
-My fake wife. STEVE: Guys, guys. Come on.
-Relax, it's just the drugs talking. -This is the drugs leaving.
-You're not leaving. I'm leaving. VERONICA: I said it first.
KEVIN: Yeah, well, I said it last. VERONICA: I'm gonna throw your ass...
...over the boat!
I'm gonna check on Estefania. Make sure she's still breathing.
I can, uh, give you a ride home if you want.
I'm all set. I took Kev's keys a couple of hours ago.
-I'm gonna get some more champagne. -Yeah.
Dangerous is the way it moves
Got me floatin' Got me gone
Hypnotize when I'm on the floor
[MORCHEEBA'S "EVEN THOUGH" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Even though we know It's forever changing
Even though we know We lie and wait
How many of these people do you think Jasmine actually knows?
Even though we know The hidden danger
-Were you ever gonna tell me? -Yes. Many times.
When? On the flight to Miami?
Or is telling your girlfriend about your other life...
...more of an international waters conversation?
Why does my name have to make a difference?
-You're also married. -Say the word, and I'll leave her.
The fact that you would do that means that I could never be with you.
[ESTEFANIA SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
-She doesn't hold her liquor very well. -Ah, you should take her home.
[ESTEFANIA SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
[ESTEFANIA GRUNTS]
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
-Uh, we'll finish this later. FIONA: Hm.
Good night, Jimmy.
[ESTEFANIA SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
Fuck.
Fuck.
Thought she was out for good.
You have a chance to talk?
I don't know what I'm doing.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Why couldn't he just stay in Costa Rica or Brazil or wherever the hell he was?
Hey, look at me.
Men are assholes.
And you deserve to have someone treat you like a queen.
Mrn.
I misread that, didn't I? I'm sorry.
It's late. I should get going.
It's just that I love you, Fiona. And I-- Forget it.
Forgetjust everything I said. I'm really drunk and high.
I'm gonna go.
That's a good idea. I'm an idiot. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
-Thanks for the party. -Yeah.
Okay-
[JASMINE EXHALES SHARPLY]
Fuck.
I've been kissed by a rose
Oh. Oh, yeah.
There is so much a man can tell you So much he can say
[JODY MOANING]
My power, my pleasure, my pain
[KAREN SCREAMING]
What's wrong? What's wrong? Is everything all right?
-I can't breathe! -Is it the baby?
No. It's you. Get out.
-What? -Get out!
Shit! Out where? Did I do something to upset you?
Yes! Everything!
-Get out! -Baby, are you sure? I love you--
Aahl
Karen? When do you want me to come back in?
-Never! -Shouldn't we talk about this?
Karen?
[TRAIN RUMBLING]
[EXPLOSION THEN FIONA YELLS]
-What was that? -No idea. I'll investigate.
-What was it? -Nothing out there.
CARL: Fiona! Fiona!
-Where's your grandmother? -Buying more supplies.
I'm gonna kill her.
She could live upstairs with Stan. Look after each other.
They've always had a thing.
-I wouldn't charge you that much. -For what?
My matchmaking services. It's a win-win for everyone.
Frank, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about...
...but if you don't shut up, I'm gonna stab you with this ice scooper.
-What did I do this time? -Where's your mother?
She didn't need me this morning, had some personal business to do.
I change her diaper, what's more personal than that?
—Shot of Jager, Kev. -Uh, don't hit the bar, Fi.
If you're buying, make it two.
I never thought I'd say this, but you were right.
We have to get rid of her.
JODY: Hey, Lip.
[SIREN WAILING]
LIP: Jody?
How's it going, man?
What, uh...? What are you doing?
Karen kicked me out.
-So you're, uh, sleeping under the 'L'? -Talked to my friend Lisa.
She said this is what happens to women when they're pregnant. It's hormones.
You sure about that?
No, you won't, weirdo!
I'll see you.
-We could put a hit out on her. -She's your mother.
Like you haven't thought about doing that to me before.
Can't we call the police? The FBI? Tell them about the meth lab.
-They'd haul us away. -Not me, I had nothing to do with it.
Happened in our house. You're an accomplice.
-And there are minors involved. TOMMY: Something's leaking. Come on.
Ah, shit, not again. What the fuck?
Fucking Stan.
What if she happens to commit a crime away from the house?
You mean like we set her up?
I don't know. I hadn't fleshed it out. I guess that's what I mean.
Finally thinking like a Gallagher.
She's putting our lives in danger.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
We could have the cops pick her up, tell them it's a Chapter 405.
-A mental disorder? -They'd take her away.
Involuntary psychiatric hold.
-Just like that? -No questions asked.
[FIONA LAUGHING]
-That'|| work. -That'|| work.
Stan, you leave the tub running again?
Goddamn it.
Aah! Fuck! Cock, cock, cock, cock, cock!
Goddamn it.
[WATER RUNNING]
Stan.
No, no. No, no, no. Stan. Stan.
_Aah! _Aah!
-What are you doing? -Jesus Christ!
You stupid old shit! You scared the hell out of me.
-What? -I thought you were dead.
No, no, I'm just taking a bath.
Why was it overflowing?
Well, the water got cold, so I was adding some hot water.
-I guess I fell asleep. -Stan, you can't keep doing that...
-...or you won't be able to live on your own. -Please, I'm fine.
Yeah? You left the stove on too.
Yeah, I know that. I did it on purpose.
Now get the hell out of here.
-Get out. -You're lucky I don't drown you.
Ah, get out. Ee....
FIONA: Okay, so we'll clean up the meth lab, air the place out, then call.
They'll bring her to a geriatric psych ward, hold her 72 hours, do an evaluation--
-What if they find her normal? -Get the fu--
Okay, you're right.
When she doesn't pass, they'll hold her another 14 days, then test her again.
Why didn't we think of this sooner?
I warned you about this yesterday. But do you listen to me?
No, you don't.
-Shit. Carl. -We cou|d've avoided every--
[I NDISTI NCT RADIO CHATTER]
-What's going on? What happened? -I'm fine. Don't listen to them.
-You the guardians of Margaret Gallagher? -She is.
She's my grandmother.
-What happened? -Your grandmother blacked out.
She was at an Ace Hardware, fell, was taken to the emergency room.
-What was it? -ER doc says cancer.
Stage IV, pancreatic. Doesn't have long to live.
-Thank you, Lord. CARL: Grammy.
Hey, it smells in here. You blow up our lab?
-A little bit. PEGGY: Oh, come here.
We'll get it right next time.
PARAMEDIC: She's gotta be in a lot of pain.
Shouldn't be leaving the house.
These morons don't know what they're talking about.
Sign this form, please. If she were my grandmother, I'd call hospice.
They can manage her pain. Make her more comfortable.
[PEGGY SIGHS]
Hey, knucklehead, set up the card table.
I wanna teach Carl a little five-card stud.
JODY [SINGING]: I'm all out of love
I'm so lost without you
I know you were right
Believing for so long
I'm all out of love
What am I without you?
Shit, I can still see him.
To say that I was so wrong
Shut the fuck up!
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
KAREN: Now, where were we? -Uh, it's okay, it's okay.
[LIP SIGHS]
But I owe you for the prenup.
[GRUNTS]
It's a little hard to keep going with Michael Bolton out there serenading us.
-I'm gonna get a restraining order. -That's okay.
I gotta go beat the shit out of Ian anyway.
Call you later.
JODY: If you don't like Air Supply, I know other songs.
ISIGHS]
[SIREN WAILING]
You're late. Where the fuck you been?
Just getting blown by some, uh, pregnant skank, as you called her.
Because that's what she is.
[GRUNTING]
Fuck.
I'm sick of living in your shadow.
Who the fuck's asking you to?
It's hard not to when all my clothes are hand—me—downs.
Well, it's not my fault I was born first...
...or more handsome or smarter.
-Asshole. -Dickhead.
Wanna get a beer?
Yeah.
[TRAIN RUMBLING]
Let's go. School. Come on, monkeys.
[FIONA CLAPS HANDS]
-Carl, come on, get out of there. -Our house still smells like meth.
Yeah, whose fault is that?
Whoa. Good way to start school.
-Wow! You look nice, Debs. -Thanks.
Hey, little fella, did you get out of your crib yourself? Oh, my gosh.
Lip, come on, wake up.
LIP: Ah. -Gallagher tickle spot. Come on.
-First day of school, senior. LIP: Oh.
-Not going. -You sick?
-Nope. Dropped out. -What are you talking about?
-Quit. -You only have a year left.
Gotta get a job. Take care of Karen and my kid.
VERONICA: Kev?
-Kev, wake up. KEVIN: What is it?
-Ethel's missing. -I know, for two weeks.
Not that Ethel. Ethel Number Two.
[MAKING KISSY NOISES]
Ethel!
How'd she get out in the first place?
-Ethel? -Baby?
-I was cleaning out her cage. Ethel! KEVIN: And?
-Forgot the back door was open. -V.
-It was hot inside. KEVIN: Yo, you let our new bunny escape.
I didn't do it on purpose.
[SNIFFLES]
Hey, come here. I'm sorry. Don't cry.
It's all my fault.
KEVIN: No, it isn't.
I was cold to her when she first got here.
Yeah, but you warmed up real quick.
Because I loved her.
She knew that.
[SNIFFLES]
Then why did she leave us?
ISIGHS]
I wish I knew.
We're talking about the real Ethel, right?
I think we should have our own kid.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Yeah? Well, hell, heh-heh, can we start right now?
[VERONICA LAUGHING]
KEVIN: Mm-hm. VERONICA: Aah!
Ethel!
KEVIN: Oh, shit, there she is. Okay, hold on.
Don't you hop away from us, you dumb fucking whore!
Hi, I'm calling about my brother.
-Uh, yeah, I can hold. -Hey.
Hey, I'm on hold.
Sorry about the other night. I was pretty drunk.
Uh, yeah, I'm still here. Phillip Gallagher, twelfth grade.
Uh, won't be in school today. He's sick.
I think it's just a summer cold. He'll be there tomorrow.
Okay. Okay. bye-
-I'm pretty embarrassed about the other night. -It's okay. Don't even worry about it.
I have some blow left over. We could get into some trouble today.
Uh, you should go home.
Actually, I don't have a home.
-What? JASMINE: Yeah.
Hal found out about David, he kicked me out.
-Jesus. -It's okay.
It was bound to happen sooner or later, right? Heh.
-I guess so. -Now I get to start over.
Do what I want. Be a single woman.
What about your kids? Are they doing okay?
Eh, Hal's better with them. I've just been staying on David's boat.
Although he didn't know until the cops showed up.
-You've been breaking into his boat? -He never uses it. It's just sitting there.
I gave him the best blow jobs of his life.
You saw him. I was so out of his league.
I gotta get in the shower, start looking for a job.
Hey, do you think I could stay here for a couple of days?
-What? -I'll kick in some rent money.
-No. -No? But I do everything for you.
-What are you talking about? JASMINE: I brought Steve to the party.
I gave you a job this winter. I gave you clothes and jewelry.
[BURPSI
-She still alive? -I haven't been up there.
Fuck me.
I got Estefania drunk so that you could have sex with Steve.
I didn't wanna have sex with Steve.
-Ha! Right. -I don't need you meddling in my life.
Meddling? When you need something from me it's fine...
...but when I need something, suddenly little Miss Fiona runs away?
-Okay, you need to go. -Fine!
I don't give a shit! You just kick me out like David and Hal!
You're all just a bunch of assholes!
ISIGHS]
Jasmine.
Ah, fuck.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
Get out of my yard.
Why didn't you meet me at the airport?
I was on my way.
What happened?
Doesn't matter now.
I love you.
Don't.
No one's gonna notice some new dude suddenly showing up?
No one gives a shit. This is Irving's room. He kicked it a few days ago.
It'll be weeks before anyone figures out.
[WHISPERING] Okay, I'll get his legs. On three.
One, two, three.
[STAN BURPS]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Do it again. Ready? One, two, three.
[STAN BURPS]
Fuck it, leave him. Wait, we forgot his buddy.
[KEVIN SIGHS]
VERONICA: Aw. I'll look in on him every day.
KEVIN: See you tomorrow, Stan.
[English - US - SDH]