Shakespeare & Hathaway: Private Investigators (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - O Brave New World - full transcript

Oi! Hey, you! Oi! Come back here!

After him!

Don't just sit there, drive!

- Not until you've paid your fare, friend.
- What? - Round trip,

- plus waiting time.
- Oh!

Here. There's 20.

Put your foot down!

- You're a heart attack in waiting, Frank, you know that Frank?
- Go!

- Heart attack.
- Drive!

The Tudor Rose is a popular choice.
Subtle yet sophisticated.

Or the blushing beauty,



tiger lilies,

and my personal favourite, as it's
modelled on my own wedding bouquet.

I think subtle.

I think a bride needs to stand
out on her wedding day.

I wouldn't worry on that score, darling.
We'll go with the roses.

- You haven't mentioned the honeymoon.
- Anywhere nice? Bora Bora.

Clive insisted on somewhere
remote and exotic. He spoils me.

- Hello, ladies.
- Oh, yes, he's quite the charmer.

- Thanks for everything.
- Not at all.

Anyone would think SHE was getting married.

- Let's elope.
- Don't tempt me.

- I thought we'd eat out tonight.
- Yeah. Yeah.

You'll have to drop me in town first.

Got to get a pedicure and a manicure.



A bride needs to look her best, you know.

I'd marry you in sackcloth and ashes.

Audition?

Walking tour of Stratford.

I'm a wandering minstrel.

- That's one way of putting it.
- Yeah, at least they pay me.

- End of the week.
- You said that last week.

Ongoing stolen vehicle case.

I tracked the car down to a
salvage yard in Evesham.

I shall inform the client
we've found the car,

report the details to the police,
case closed and money in the bank.

Which leaves us a workplace comp claim

- and a missing Westie.
- Oh!

Oh, and a woman waiting in your office.

Sebastian, get me a coffee.

Excuse me.

Frank Hathaway.

How can I help you, Miss er..?

Luella Shakespeare.

Well, for the next 72 hours anyway,

- cos I'm getting married on Saturday.
- Congratulations.

I think my fiance might
be having an affair!

Right, er,
I'm just going to stop you there.

I don't do extra maritals.

We're out of coffee, tea and milk.

Well, take some money out the petty cash.

And petty cash.

Your... Your website said "no
job too small" so, er...

I've always seen adultery
as a waste of me talent.

I'm sure he could be persuaded
to make an exception.

For the appropriate financial incentive.

Yes.

Yes, erm,
due to the incommodious time frame

I would have to charge you double.
That'd be 200.

And £50.

A day. Plus any incurred per diems.

Would a thousand do as a retainer?

He'll take it.

Oh, good!

Clive Brenton.

And you've been together how long?

13 weeks and 3 days.

We met online,
so it was a whirlwind romance.

And his line of business?

Company director.

Of imports and exports.

So what makes you think
he's having an affair?

Well, I asked him to take the day
off to do the seating plans.

"Wall-to-wall meetings", he said.

And then I found this in his diary.

It's a lunch reservation for
two at La Mela Dell'Amore.

- Pricey.
- Yeah, and intimate.

And then I found this, on his car seat.

It's Autumn Sunset.

Yeah. I'd know that shade anywhere.

She's not even a natural redhead.

It's Janice. His, erm, his secretary.

I've seen the way she looks at him...

I'll need a photo.

Yeah.

Yes!

Er...

Please. And a carafe of red wine.

Excuse me. Thanks.

Cheers. Well Done.

Look. Isn't that sweet?

- What do you think? - Oh, fantastic.
- Is it good? I think she'll love it.

He bought her a diamond!

Well, that doesn't prove anything.

Have you had much success with
women, Frank? It's... It means...

- He's back! He's back!
- Try not to do anything...

..rash.

Something smells nice.

I'm starving.

Oh, didn't make time for lunch, then?

I took Janice to La Mela Dell'Amore.

Hmm. Janice?

Yeah, to say thank you
for all her hard work.

If I didn't know better, I'd
say that you were jealous.

Oh! Should I be?

OK.

You got me.

I needed a woman's opinion... on this.

It belonged to my grandmother.

She'd have wanted you to have it.

Oh, Clive!

Oh, Clive, it's...

Oh! Oh, Clive!

Hi.

Oh, yeah, wedding present
from my Auntie Gwen.

Her and my mum never got on.

Right, so what couldn't wait?

The case is closed.

It was a complete misunderstanding.

Look. It's a family heirloom, so...

I should never have doubted him.

At least let me finish
those background checks.

Your services are no longer required.

What, you're going to sprint up the
aisle with a bloke you met online?

You hardly know him!

Let me rephrase that - you're fired!

Oh, well, don't say I didn't warn you.

OK, so the groom's side is looking
distinctly thin on the ground

so I've moved Uncle Andy's
mob over to pad them out.

I mean, they'll be half
cut when they arrive

so I doubt they'll even notice.

What do you think?

Oh, yeah!

Right, well...

I certainly think you've made
the most of what you've got.

OK!

And there you have it that's our
vintage solitaire only 79.99,

plus postage and packaging.

What can I say except I can't
believe they're not diamonds!

- Jack?
- Well, you certainly had me fooled, Diane.

- Huh!
- Now, you too can enjoy the look...

Family heirloom, my...

Clive Brenton used several dating
sites under different aliases.

Either he suffers from
multiple personality disorder

or the man's a compulsive liar.

- Romance fraud.
- There we go, Frank.

Oh, cheers, Will.

It's all the rage at the moment.

Right.

And?

And she fired me.

Apparently it was all
some big misunderstanding.

She's marrying a con man
in less than an hour.

Who will, in all probability, ruin
her life and render her destitute.

Mm-hm?

Maybe someone needs to warn her?

Maybe somebody already did.

"Let me not to the marriage
of true minds admit..."

- Veronica Vinten. Wedding planner. You are?
- I'm with the bride.

If any person present knows of any
lawful impediment to this marriage,

he or she should declare it now.

Um... excuse me.

You interrupted my wedding to tell
me he lied on his dating profile?!

He's not the man you think he is.

Mine says I'm an outdoorsy
girl who likes to cook.

- You hired me to - - I hired you to
find out if he was having an affair.

- Is he?
- Well, no, not to my knowledge but...

I'd like this man removed.

You're making a big mistake!

You're strong.

Just a drunk.
Wandered into the wrong wedding.

So, erm, as you were.

We were... We were here.

So, er, if any person present knows
of any lawful impediment to this

marriage, he or she should declare it now.

Lovely.

Clive William Brenton and
Luella May Shakespeare,

your vows are your promises to each other.

"Love's gentle spring
doth always fresh remain."

"Love is all truth Lust
full of forged lies."

By the giving and receiving of rings,

I therefore proclaim that
they are husband and wife.

Well, he's certainly got Auntie
Gwen in the palm of his hand.

You are happy for me though?

Oh, I-I-I think you've done very well.

Under the circumstances.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Ladies, if I may?

- Oh!
- Oh!

Cheers.

I hope it's not too late for
you to make me a grandmother.

I've only been married 20 minutes!

- Well, you know what they say.
- Old hens don't lay eggs.

If my Tudor Rose will excuse me,
I left my speech in our room.

Oh, OK. Don't be long.

Yes, I'm going to freshen up.

- Make sure you talk to all the cousins.
- Yep. Yes.

Are you a cousin?

Excuse me.

It's time for the toasts and
we seem to be minus the groom.

Oh, yes. He popped upstairs
to get his speech, so...

- I'll fetch him.
- No, it's fine. His wife can go.

You. Again!

- Five minutes with the bride.
- Five seconds until he throws you out.

- Well, can you give her a message?
- Three, two...

- Just tell her...
- ..one.

- Afternoon. DI Marlowe. Arden Constabulary.
- This way, please.

You know disturbing a crime
scene is a criminal offence?

Well, you took your time.

Single blow to the abdomen
with a thin-bladed instrument.

Bled out on the carpet.

Er, the door is self-closing.

Someone wiped the handle clean.

- Just appraising you of the facts.
- You're not my boss any more, Frank.

You miss me. Go on, admit it.

- Murder weapon?
- Er...

Well, you might want to bag that up, yeah.

- It's missing a pair of scissors.
- Yeah, got it.

100 wedding guests, 15 waiting staff,

a hotel with 80 occupied rooms,
and a waitress who wants us

to investigate the theft of a pair
of shoes from the staff cloakroom.

We could be looking for
hairdresser's scissors.

Funny, that.

Bride used to own a hair salon.
Sold it after she got engaged.

Cordon off the area. Full sweep.
No-one leaves till I say so.

- Got it?
- Yeah. What is he doing here?

Good question.

Constable Keyfob.

It's Keeler and it's
Detective Sergeant now.

Who'd have thought?

- I'm waiting for an explanation, Frank.
- Well, bride hired me.

- Client confidentiality.
- You're not a bloody lawyer, Frank.

He's not even a copper. Not any more.

- Meow.
- OK!

You either fill me in now

or I arrest you for
obstructing a murder inquiry.

So you hired a private investigator
because you suspected your fiance

- was having an affair with his secretary?
- It...

Well, it was all a
misunderstanding, so it's...

Do you recognise this?

That's my hairdressing pouch.

I brought it with me so
I could do my mum's hair.

There appears to be a
pair of scissors missing.

Oh, do you think that's the murder weapon?

Well, no doubt the postmortem
will shed more light on that.

And we have some CCTV footage
taken from the hotel stairwell

at 14:25 this afternoon.

Yet no sign of this waiter
you claim to have seen.

No, I definitely passed him.
I passed him on the stairs.

Well, we've checked with the hotel and...
no-one matching.

Che Guevara's description works here.

I need to speak to Frank Hathaway.

Turn that thing off!

Well...

..you'll be pleased to hear
we're back on the case.

I'm positively ecstatic.

Did those, erm, background
checks throw up anything?

Er... just some stuff from Companies House.

Brenton Exports. No registration
of any such company.

Janice, isn't it?

- You were at the wedding.
- Yeah, I'm a private investigator.

Frank Hathaway.

I was hired by Mrs Brenton.

Going somewhere?

The landlord served an eviction
notice, it doesn't make any sense.

So, how long have you
worked for Mr Brenton?

Six-month contract.

I came through a temping agency.

So you weren't aware his
business was bogus, then?

I just did the filing
and answered the phone.

Any idea of anyone that might
want to do him any harm?

He always said she didn't trust him.

Fond of the boss, were you?

I hope they lock her up
and throw away the key!

Janice - jilted lover and woman scorned.

If she couldn't have Clive, no-one would.

"And wet my cheeks with artificial tears."

They were genuine.

I can tell when a woman's faking it.

I'm sure you've had plenty of experience.

Why don't you get in touch
with the wedding photographer?

We've got the widow's authority
to get the video footage.

- And where are you off to?
- Arden nick.

They gotta charge her soon or let her go.

Oh, sorry - slipped my mind -
they released her 20 minutes ago.

Last heard of headed back
to the scene of the crime.

I'm here to collect my honeymoon cases.

I'll handle this, Derek.

On behalf of the hotel, I'd like to
extend our sympathies for your loss.

However, we have impounded your
luggage until the outstanding amount

has been settled,

which is £18,608.49.

We didn't charge you for
the toasting champagne.

I'm sorry if we've caused
you any inconvenience.

Three wedding cancellations
already this morning.

Which is probably a
blessing as the bridal suite

is cordoned off as a murder scene.

Hm.

It seems your payment has been declined.

Please hold.
An operator will be with you shortly.

Seems your instincts
about Janice were right.

Clive was more than just the boss.

And I thought things
couldn't get any worse.

Actually, they can.

His business was a front.

Brenton Exports doesn't exist.

What have you done?

I've invested all the money
from the sale of the salon.

How much?

250,000.

Come on.

Where?

Your place.

Files, phones, computers.

Can't have invested all that
money in a bogus business.

All we have to do is find a trail.

You do believe I'm innocent, then?

Well, I wouldn't be here if I
didn't, would I?

But seeing as now it's a murder case
I will have to charge premium rates.

If there's a killer out
there I want danger money.

Arden Banking. How can I help you?

My bank account was emptied this morning.

Well, not by a corpse.

Looks like Clive had a partner in crime.

I have been a victim of fraud!

I need to tell the police.

What, that you fell for
a smooth-talking con man?

Yet another motive for murder.
CPS would have a field day.

I really thought he loved me, you know.

Oh, how could I be so stupid?

You'd be surprised how
easily people can be conned.

Go on, then, say it - I told you so.

Let's just concentrate on getting
your money back, shall we?

Hang on.

Stay there.

Frank! Frank!

Hey, hey. No, no, no, no!

Frank!

Argh! My eyes!

Sorry!

Sorry!

Ow! Be careful!

I'm telling you, it was Che Guevara.
Did you not see the resemblance?

- Hardly - you blinded me.
- Yes, I said I'm sorry.

- What was on the laptop that's so important?
- I don't know.

It's Clive's work computer.

Did you at least get a
decent look at the car?

White.

Ish.

It was cream, sort of.
It was more of a vanilla.

Well, was it a saloon? Hatch back?
Estate? Did it have four wheels?

I don't know. I can't think
while you're shouting at me.

- It was, er...
- Well, did... - Sh!

It's the registration.

And there was an air freshener.

And there was a logo on it and that said...

..Hot Wheels Car Hire.

- The cleaners finished an hour ago.
- Yeah, I'm here for your hardware.

Terminally Clean. Customised
commercial cleaning solutions.

They didn't tell me you were coming.

Just need to disinfect your keyboard.

More germs on that than
your average toilet seat.

Yeah, your colleague
does the evening shift,

tapping away for hours...

Morning.

Where have his fingers been?

Five minutes.

Thiago Cabrera.

Panamanian national, over here on business.

Did Clive ever do any work in Panama?

He never really talked about his job.

See, if he's been mixing
with dangerous people

we could be looking at a professional hit.

With hairdressing scissors?

Ask him yourself.

I got the address where he's staying.

Sebastian, I could kiss you!

Please don't.

- Police?
- You should be so lucky.

You can forget your human rights
and tell me about Clive Brenton.

Pocket. Card.

What?

Pocket. Card.

What?

- There's a card in my pocket!
- Oh.

If this is an English apology, it's
no wonder you are constantly at war.

It tastes like your weather.

The laptop?

Encrypted files.

Which my client hopes will lead
to the whereabouts of monies

- that are rightfully hers.
- Your client being?

Valentina Sanchez Garcia Beralta Rodriguez.

A former business associate of
an Englishman who went missing,

presumed drowned in a swimming
accident off Bocas del Toro in 2012.

Tragic.

For my client.

This man was in possession of
a great deal of her money.

So imagine her surprise when
he resurfaces alive and well

under the alias Clive Brenton.

You were at the murder scene, weren't you?

Looking for this.

He was already dead
when I entered the room.

I doubt the police would
have been understanding.

They'd have had you cautioned
and locked up in no time.

May I enquire, what was your rank?

That obvious?

Former Capitan Cabrera of
the Panama National Police.

Ex-Detective Inspector Hathaway. Arden CID.

Well, Detective, I have what I
need to take back to my client.

Er, in return,

I need a name.

"Brian Bettsworth married bride
Ronnie in St Oswald's Church,"

"Wentworth, before honeymooning
in Central America."

"An idyll tainted by tragedy"

"when Mr Bettsworth failed to
return from a midnight swim."

"A resort spokesperson said, 'Our
sympathies are with his wife"

"'who is receiving all our
assistance at this terrible time.'"

He had an ex-wife.

Dead men don't get divorced.

I married a bigamist!

Yeah, but look on the bright side -

we got another suspect.

Somewhere out there is a grieving widow.

- Clearly he's done it before.
- What did the police say?

Ah, Marlowe said she'd follow it up.
She didn't seem that interested.

Yeah, bet she did. Too busy
trying to pin it on me still!

Well, well,
it's lucky I found us another lead.

Hey! Who said you could touch that?

- Most of these files are encrypted.
- Yeah, we know that already.

Except a few photo albums.
Corporate stuff mainly,

but look at this.

Six months she said they'd
been working together.

2012?

They've been working together for years.

Janice Bardolph served a 12-month
sentence for credit card fraud

- in 2010.
- And before you suggest going to the police AGAIN,

if she gets arrested now you can
kiss your hard-earned cash goodbye.

Have you never thought of
the benefits of a big 4x4?

Don't you listen to him.

There's a name for women like you.

Objectum sexuals.

Like that bird that
married the Eiffel Tower.

At least it won't bigamously marry
her and steal all her money.

So what's the story
with you and DI Marlowe?

Purely professional.

Oh, right.

So you're an ex-policeman, then?
I thought so, yeah.

So what happened? What, you
fail the yearly medical?

Can we just stick to the case in
hand, please?

Ooh. Hello.

Waxing parlour, beachwear
boutique and summer highlights.

I'd say she was planning a holiday.

- Ooh, quite the detective.
- Do you think?

Come on, put your foot down!

Stay here.

And this time I mean it.

Well, well. Fancy seeing you here.

I, er, I think that belongs to my client.

Huh. How much do you reckon's in there?

Ooh, around 250K.

I was the only partner that ever mattered!
He owed me!

Yeah, well,
you can call it a citizen's arrest,

I just call it reckless vigilantism.

Clive Brenton was a serial bigamist.

Three wives that we know of and counting.

All the evidence is on here.

Been fleecing vulnerable women for years.

Sad, desperate women,

- weak-willed, pathetic...
- All right, Frank, they get the gist.

Janice was his partner in crime.

The only other person with
access to his bank accounts.

She got greedy, killed him,
made off with the money.

So where's this hold-all
full of cash, then?

Did... Did you see a hold-all?

A hold-all? What did it look like?

OK, Janice Bardolph didn't kill anyone.

She's got a cast-iron alibi
and the video footage proves

that she didn't leave the venue
during the murder window.

And we found them missing scissors.
Dropped out of the hotel window.

- Well, that doesn't prove anything.
- No, not yet.

Forensics are testing them now.

I wouldn't go too far if I were you.

Well, that went well, didn't it, Frank?!

- At least we got your money back.
- I can't spend it in prison, can I?

Why don't you get an early night?

Yeah, it may be the last one
you spend in your own bed.

- I'm just saying -
- No-one's going to prison, OK?

We've still got the ex-wife to find.

A woman that size should
never wear strapless.

And tiger lilies at a wedding, so passe.

It's about time you left
this to the professionals.

Don't worry your little head about it, pet.

Turn that thing off!

Hi. I've come to settle my bill.

In cash.

£18,608.49.

Well, it's highly irregular. But I
suppose under the circumstances

- I'm willing to make an exception.
- Thanks.

- I'll ask the concierge to bring down your bags.
- Aw, you're very kind.

I'm lucky I found you, aren't I?
Although, if I remember correctly,

it was you that contacted me, wasn't it?

I keep a file.

Yeah, that was it, Clive didn't
want an engagement announcement,

but my mother did. She wanted
everything done properly.

- So she just sent a photo into the paper without telling us.
- Mothers.

Always think they know best.

Is that when you realised
your husband was still alive?

The blushing beauty bouquet
modelled on your own wedding.

I mean, without that I'd just, I
would never have recognised you.

- You must have lost what, 50 pounds?
- 54, actually.

After I was widowed I thought
a change was in order.

New hair. New nose.

New job.

Wedding planning.

There's irony. Especially when
your late husband pops up

with another unsuspecting bride.

You must have hated him.

Six days of wedded bliss

and then widowed on the
other side of the world

in a country where I didn't
even speak the language.

Although I did become very
fluent in Spanish condolences.

I'm, er, guessing he's
not all that went missing.

- Clean you out, did he?
- My savings.

Money from the sale of the house.

My hopes and dreams.

- Sorry, I was, er...
- Expecting someone else?

Don't you recognise me, Brian?

- Ronnie?
- It's Veronica now.

So much more refined, don't you think?

My God, you've changed.

You haven't.

Just older.

Grey hair.

- What do you want?
- The money you stole from me.

Every penny of it.

- Sorry, all gone.
- Well, my money is, perhaps.

Don't you have another victim now?

Bora Bora?

Another honeymoon
accident, is that the plan?

You're different.

I don't mean the nose job.

My money, Brian.

Or I call the police. You're
looking at a seven-year stretch.

If I could turn back the clock,

make everything right between us...

The old me might have fallen for that.

I find the new you
infinitely more attractive.

If you'd looked like
this when I married you

I would have made the honeymoon
last a little bit longer.

You should be thanking me.

I'm the prime suspect for this murder.

They haven't got enough evidence
to convict either of us.

- And I'm only going to deny it.
- Well, you could try.

Although, I was talking
to one of the waitresses.

She reported a pair of shoes stolen.

Er... pink shiny wedges.

£60, half price.

It's a bargain, that. Although
she wasn't too chuffed

when someone nicked them out of her locker.

Cos, erm, you changed your
footwear, didn't you?

Er... between 14:00 and 14:20.

So I borrowed a pair of shoes.
Doesn't make me a murderer.

That depends on where you put the old ones.

In fact, the police are searching
your house as we speak.

Frank! I've got them.

Ah, 48 minutes.

Not bad.

- You're a jammy sod, Frank.
- Don't mention it.

And, er, my client?

- Free to go.
- Oh!

I owe you.

Invoice is in the post.

We made a good team.

Do you want a lift?

Nah. I think I'll stretch me legs.

Stay out of trouble.

Right. I'm here to help
you with the upward turn.

What you need is some positive psychology.

- What's this?
- A mini break in the Cotswolds.

I know it's not Bora Bora, but
at least you'll have company.

The world is your oyster, Luella!

People will always need haircuts!

Luella? Luella!

- Might as well take that.
- What the hell's going on?

Francis Hathaway, yeah?

You've been served for a
non-payment of business rates.

- Some guard dog you are.
- I was tuning my lute.

Look, it's just a short-term
cash flow problem.

- Cut me some slack, just a couple of days.
- Sorry, mate, can't do that.

- How much does he owe you?
- None of your business.

- £3,622.
- Ooh.

I can cover that.

No! No, no, not the chair!
I need me chair! No! No!

Oh, come on, you don't want to
carry all that downstairs, do you?

- Put it down, Colin. Start unloading the van, yeah?
- Good man.

I don't know how you sleep at night!

I'll just go and do the..

That's it. I'll pay you back every penny.

Minus my outstanding invoice, obviously.

It's not a loan, Frank.

- I want into the business.
- No.

No!

I need a partner like I
need a hole in the head.

You said we made a good team.

No, you said that, I just didn't...
disabuse you.

I'm done with cutting hair, Frank.

I want to do something
that makes a difference.

- Well, go volunteer in a soup kitchen, then.
- Frank,

you're up to your eyeballs in debt,

you've got an out-of-work
actor answering the phones...

A RADA-trained out-of-work actor!

What this place needs, Frank,
what it needs is a woman's touch,

you know, maybe some
cushions, a bit of a throw.

- Oh, do let's go shopping for curtains.
- Curtains!

Do not encourage her!

You don't know the first thing
about being a detective!

Yeah, but I know about people.
That's a good start, isn't it?

How hard can it be? Come on,
Frank, I can learn the rest.

I can learn it on the job.
I'll learn from you.

What do you say, Frank - partners?

Shakespeare and Hathaway,
Private Investigators. How may I help you?

- Three months, trial basis.
- Six months. Joey?

When you've finished there,

I've got a curtain pole
that needs putting up.

Please don't upset yourself, madam.

- Perhaps you'd prefer to speak to a female detective?
- Yes, yes!

- Put her through.
- Connecting you now.

Luella Shakespeare, how may I help you?

OK, no problem.