Sex and the City (1998–2004): Season 6, Episode 18 - Splat! - full transcript

Carrie finally has a chance to present everybody to Aleksander at a dinner, but he's rather aloof and drops the bombshell: he expects her to move with him to Paris for good. Samantha and Charlotte act supportive after some questions, but Miranda doesn't hide she's dead against the idea. Enid invites Carrie to a party, and asks to bring Petrovsky and a friend of his for her- she rejects graying food critic Martin Grable as an elderly 'hobbit', sort of dumps him on Carrie and argues the fishing pond for her age group is so small Carries relationship with the Russian is unfair. Charlotte's king Charles joins the list of pregnant females to be jealous of, annoyingly after doing it with eight pedigree-less mutts, but when the puppies come so does 'mamie' Charlotte's maternal instinct. After ample consideration Carrie chucks in her job and announces, symbolically at the funeral of Lexi Featherston, the party scandal queen of the 1980, she accepts to move to Paris...

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When you live in New York City,
it can take all your energy to stay in vogue.

So when Enid Frick, my old boss at Vogue,
wanted to meet me for lunch...

I was eager to hear what she had for me.

Carrie, I need to ask you a favor.

Apparently, this would be about
what I had for her.

I wanted to invite you to a party
that I'm throwing a week from Saturday.

It's for an amazing couple,
Rama Patel and Andre DiBiachi.

They make documentary films.

Well, unless I'm doing the catering,
it sounds like a fun favor.

There'll be a lot of couples
from the art world...

and maybe you could
bring your Aleksandr Petrovsky.

- Done. Is that it?
- No.

I was hoping you might...

I can't believe I have to ask this.

Does he have a single friend
that you could bring along for me?

A date?

The thing is,
it's shaping up to be mostly couples...

and I'm not a couple,
and there are no exciting prospects...

so I thought that someone from his crowd
might be right for me.

Please never mention this conversation
to anyone at Cond? Nast.

- Excuse me. Do you know what you want?
- Yes, I'll have the dorado.

The dorado. This is a much larger fish,
so this fish we recommend for two people.

See? You have to be a couple
just to order lunch in this town.

- I'll have the dorado as well.
- Do you even like dorado?

Because if this is a pity dorado,
I can have crab cakes.

- We'll have the dorado.
- Very good.

The only thing is,
I'm not sure if Aleksandr is...

a "Let's set people up" kind of guy.

Carrie, I got you a job, you get me a man.

Later that evening,
the couple I was in had a couple of hours...

to prepare a dinner party
for a couple of couples.

Your friends enjoy red wine?

My friends enjoy all wine.

Yes. We'll have the Barolo.

- Do you have any single male friends?
- Are you tired of me already?

It's for this friend of mine.

I have a friend.

- He's a food critic.
- Perfect.

Is this really how one finds love?

No, it's just what we do to distract ourselves
until the real thing comes along.

- Now, I have a question for you.
- Sorry, all my friends are taken.

Wow. I've never said that before.

You know, I'll be in Paris for some time
with my exhibition.

I'm going next week,
and I am not sure when I'll come back.

Unfortunately, having a man leave me
for Paris was not foreign to me.

I am hoping you will come.

Sure, I'll come for the opening...

and maybe another weekend also.

No, you misunderstand.
I am hoping you'll come and be with me.

- In Paris?
- Yes.

For who knows when we'll come back?

Yes. I need you there.

But this was foreign to me.

The caviar.

For most women,
the goal of a dinner party...

is to have your friends feel comfortable
around your boyfriend.

I think my maid is using my vibrator.

Other times, you wish your friends
were not quite so comfortable.

I don't think you're supposed
to say "maid" anymore.

I don't think we're supposed
to say "vibrator" over dinner.

I'm telling you,
I went into the kitchen to get it...

- Wait, why was it in the kitchen?
- I like to mix it up.

But yesterday, the batteries were dead.

They were new the last time I used it.

And I haven't used it
since Smith came back.

Baby, that's sweet.

Now, maybe in the Dominican Republic
people like to share vibrators...

but this is America, land of plenty!

I think you could have
a potential lawsuit on your hands.

What, breaking and vibrating?

As long as it's not entering.

- It's a beautiful piano. You play?
- Yeah, I do.

You know any Billy Joel?

I am not familiar.

- Uptown Girl? Always a Woman?
- Piano Man?

Tell us about your sculpture exhibition
in Paris.

They are not technically sculpture.

Oh, sorry.

They are large-scale light installations,
integrated with video imaging...

That's fine.

I don't like Paris. Too much attitude.
And what's with the toilet paper?

Paris is the best city in the world.

Easy, fella, you're talking
to New Yorkers here.

New York is wonderful,
but there is nowhere like Paris.

You'll see, Carrie.

- Are you going for the opening?
- Yes, she's coming with me to live.

No, we hadn't actually
discussed the details...

but, yes, I have been invited to go to Paris.

Later, my friends
wanted a tour of the apartment...

a.k. A... ' time to ask me
what the hell was going on.

- You would go live with him?
- I don't know.

When were you planning to tell us?

No, he just sprang this on me
two hours ago.

- How long would you go?
- Where would you live?

- Is there a guest room?
- You really thinking of going?

I'm not sure! I haven't digested it yet.
I'm still digesting dinner.

This is so exciting!

I know! My boyfriend has just asked me
to go to Paris with him.

This is the most romantic thing
that has ever happened to me.

What are they doing down there?

Not having a Billy Joel sing-along,
that's for sure.

Ladies, time's up.

I can't pretend to be
one of the boys any longer.

So, I spoke to my girlfriends...

and they have a few questions about Paris.

But you are the one who's going.

We don't know about that yet.

I mean...

how could this work?
Would I get my own place?

Why would you get your own place?

Well, I don't know.
I've never done this before.

You will live with me.

I have a beautiful apartment
on the Left Bank...

but it's being remodeled,
so we would stay at the Plaza Ath?n?e.

Okay, but are we talking a year?

Don't I need to learn French?
Would I be able to work there?

And what about my cell phone?
Would it work there?

So many questions. Which is yours?

I can't remember.
I think I drank too much Barolo at dinner.


Here's one of mine:

What about my apartment here,
would I sublet it?

- I will pay for your apartment.
- That's crazy. I can't let you do that.

Why? I have plenty of money.

What I don't have:
Plenty of Carrie Bradshaws.

And I've always wanted to learn French,
and drink wine before noon.

So, basically, it's my fantasy...

complete with Parisian parties
and museum openings.

- But for how long?
- As long as it's fun. Indefinitely.

- So you'd be moving there.
- No, 'cause I'd still have my apartment here.

- Which he'd be paying for.
- He can certainly afford it.

Do you think you might get married?

No, that's... I don't think that's the point.

- Then what is he promising you?
- The world?

But what about your job?
Your column is all about New York.

- You're all about New York. How would...
- I don't know!

How can you people still have questions?

I got all your questions answered,
and they were good answers, by the way.

So this is the time...

when everybody
should be really excited for me.

- We are excited, it's fabulous.
- No, forget it.

- No, I think it's really romantic.
- Then stop killing it with questions.

We just want to make sure
you think this through.

I am thinking it through. But it's a nice offer.

And it would be nice
if my friends could be happy for me...

especially when I've always
been happy for them.

Carrie, we are happy for you.

Anyone want to talk about cancer?


They say the unexamined life
is not worth living.

But what if the examining
becomes your life?

Is that living, or just procrastinating?

And what if all those helpful lunches...

and late-night phone calls to friends...

have made us all girl-talk
and no girl-action?

Is it time to stop questioning?

Certain questions should never be asked
by anyone, especially a husband.

You think someone's getting
a little chunky?


I'm talking about the dog.

Elizabeth Taylor had gained four pounds...

which, for a dog who used to
weigh eight pounds, seemed excessive.

Hi. Can you tell me
where the diet dog food is?

Oh, a Cavalier! She's beautiful. May I?

Yes, she is beautiful,
but she's getting a little fat.

She's not fat.

You're right, that is an ugly word.
She's full-figured.

No, she's pregnant.

Honey. I got your message.
So the dog's knocked up?

Yes, she's pregnant.

Because everyone around me gets pregnant,
just not me.

- It's not like she planned it. She's a dog.
- Exactly!

She's not even thinking about it, and bam!
On her first try.

It might have been her first time,
but it was with at least eight dogs.

Eight mutts!

And now we are going to have to raise
her whole trampy, un-pedigreed family!

Elizabeth, Mommy can't look at you
right now.

Miranda just doesn't like him.
This is all about Billy Joel.

It's not about Billy Joel, it's about you.

We're not going to encourage you
to cross an ocean.

We're selfish bitches
who like you in New York.

I like me in New York, too.
But I really like him.

- He's great, isn't he?
- Yes.

A bit arrogant,
but he's got the goods to back it up.

- And he can be really sweet.
- Then he's got it all.

Then why does Miranda not like him?

She doesn't not like him.
She doesn't know him.

She didn't try to get to know him.

She didn't ask him one question all night.
And she is all about the questions.

Well, here's a question: Why do you care?

Have you ever heard me once ask
what anybody thinks about my boyfriend?

I've never heard you
use the term "boyfriend."

My point is, it doesn't matter.

Nobody knows what goes on
behind closed doors.

You know the most annoying thing?

- What's annoying?
- Miranda has a point.

What about work, and everything?

Maybe I can't leave New York.
I don't know how I'd do someplace else.

Believe me,
your fabulousness will translate.

And nobody says
he gets to dictate the terms.

Figure out how to do it
so you're comfortable.

Maybe half the time you're there,
half the time I'm there.

Now you're being too supportive.

Later, I still had questions filling my head,
but at least they were in French.

- Are you coming?
- Yeah, I'm just putting my earrings on.

No, to Paris.

I haven't decided yet.

I'm inviting you to go to France, not to jail.

- I just have...
- More questions? Is it possible?

Things to figure out.

My whole life is here.

Could we stay in New York, and then...

just go to Paris for a few months
for your show?

Then it wouldn't feel like we're moving.

I need to be in Paris now.

I have been here for three years.
I'm finished with New York.

It's time for Paris.

But I'm not finished with New York.

Maybe we could do
long-distance for a while.

You mean, back and forth?
It's never worked for me.

You know, someone meets someone,
someone gets bored.

I don't know.

Voulez-vous an ultimatum?

Normally, a couple doesn't go
from an ultimatum to a party.

But we were in charge
of bringing something very important.

Carrie, so glad you came.

- Enid, this is...
- Aleksandr Petrovsky. I'm thrilled.

Pleasure to meet you.

And this is Martin Grable.

Hi. Looks like it's going to
start snowing out there.

They say it's going to be reminiscent
of the '74 nor'easter.


Martin is a food critic for Bon Appetit.


The coat check is right around the corner.

He's very sweet and smart.

He's a hobbit.

Carrie Bradshaw!

Where the fuck have you been hiding?

Lexi Featherston was
one of New York's legendary party girls...

who always ended up on Page 6...

because of her barhopping
and her bedhopping.

I'm going to go up to the roof
and have a smoke. I'll be back in five.

He's just so pretentious.

- Are we still talking about him?
- It's not him.

I've been thinking about this,
and it's how she is around him.

She's different, and not in a good way.

She didn't laugh all night. Not once.

Miranda, no offense, but you never think...

anyone is good enough for you
and your friends.

- You didn't think I was good enough.
- That's not true.

Yes, it is, and it's fine.
I knew you'd come around.

"Large-scale light installations."
What the fuck is that?

- All right, he is kind of full of himself...
- Thank you!

Let's not wake the kid.

If she moves, it'll be okay.
You'll talk, you'll visit.

I bet she won't go.

She can't leave New York.
She's got too much here.

The best raw-milk white cheddar
I ever had was from a farm in...

- Guess where?
- Oh, I don't...

New York!

We now rival England
for the best cheddar in the world.

An hour later,
I had somehow ended up on Enid's date.

Actually, raw milk couldn't even be used
in the States until recently...

because it isn't pasteurized. I mean,
it basically goes from the cow right to you.

And Enid had somehow ended up on mine.

That's priceless. I never liked I.M. Pei either.

Martin, can you excuse me
just for a minute?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Excuse me.

I have to tell you,
I have been a fan of your work...

for longer than I'd like to admit.

I have been doing my work
for longer than I'd like to admit.

- Carrie, I love this man.
- Yes, I see that.

Would anybody like a drink?

Are you always this attentive?
I'd love a vodka martini.

- Carrie?
- No, I'm fine, thanks.

One vodka martini coming up.

Carrie, why aren't I with him?

Because I am?

- What are you doing?
- What?

All right, I'm sorry. It's not fair.

He's my age, and you've got him.

And I am in no-man's-land, literally.

No man anywhere.

Men can date anyone, any age,
but let's be frank...

most of them prefer the bimbos.

So if you're
a successful 50-something woman...

there's a very small pool.

It's very small. It's a wading pool, really.

So why are you swimming
in my wading pool?

It was another question
I wasn't prepared to answer.

- I need to go to the bathroom.
- Yeah, it's down the hall.

Outside, the snow
was starting to come down.

And inside, it was going up.

Want some?

- No, thanks.
- Close the door.

- Wow, do people still do coke?
- No, unfortunately.

God, Carrie, I'm 40 years old.
Can you fucking believe it?

Don't answer that.

Remember when we used to go to Tunnel?
We were, like, 5.

Do you need to use the john?

No, I was just trying to get away
for a minute.


I don't know why I pulled strings
to get an invite to this piece-of-shit party.

I'm so glad to see you, though.
We're the only two single girls here.

- Well, actually, I'm with someone.
- Fuck you!

And speaking of little piece-of-shit parties...

- Babe?
- No, Harry, I cannot come to bed right now...

because someone left me a little present.

Because someone
is too pregnant to hold it in.

Well, someone isn't holding it in anymore.

In fact, someone
is giving birth in the bathroom.

- Right now?
- Honey, it's time.

Elizabeth Taylor, Mommy's coming!

That night, Charlotte embraced
her maternal instinct...

and three puppies.

Little babies.

And I embraced my boyfriend
for as long as I still had him.

So, now Rama and I split our time
between Los Angeles and Calcutta.

- He splits his time.
- Rama hates Los Angeles.

Frozen yogurt is not culture.

So she stays in our home in Calcutta,
while I edit our movies in Los Angeles.

But I get final Calcutta.

- Nice to meet both of you.
- You, too.

They aren't together all the time.
They seem happy.

Carrie, I don't want that.

I want: You wake up, you see me, I see you.

We go for dinner, we sit in cafes.


I want you every day, too,
but I have a life here.

Yes. But what do you want
to come home to?

What do you want your life to be?

- Carrie, do you have a lighter?
- No, sorry, I don't smoke anymore.

Fuck you!

Anyway, I'm just a huge fan
of the pomegranate.

Do either of you have a light?

There's no smoking in here.
Please go outside.

There is no outside. It's fucking snowing.


- She was rather rude.
- I don't even know how she got in here.

How do you open this fucking thing?

Excuse me, miss, could you keep it down?

You keep it down. Fucking geriatrics.

Now, our hostess has already said
there's no smoking.

When did everybody stop smoking?

When did everybody pair off?

This used to be
the most exciting city in the world.

And now it's nothing
but smoking near a fucking open window.

New York is over.



No one's fun anymore!

Whatever happened to fun?

God, I'm so bored I could die!

It was the first time
Lexi had ever left a party early.

An hour later,
the snow really started to fall...

the first time that winter.

And it didn't stop.

The city was silent.

There were no more questions.

Only white noise.

I want to go to Paris.

It was a day made for first snows.

Look, Brady. Look, snow angels.

And staying home with family.

See that? That's called snow.

Two days later,
we said goodbye to our snow angel.

Wait, she tripped on her Manolo?

Stanny, the girl died. It's sad. The end.

I'll say it's sad.

The scandal of the New York social scene,
and I missed it.

I need details. Last words.

"I'm so bored I could die."


This funeral is better than Fashion Week.

I know. Marcus is saving us seats
next to Hugh Jackman.

I'll see you in there.

I didn't know Lexi had so many friends.

She wasn't always so tragic.
Remember the '80s? She was the "it" girl.

I thought I was the "it" girl.

It's your word against a dead girl's,
so you win.

You guys,
we're supposed to be in mourning.

We are. It's the end of an era.

Yep, the party's officially over.

Ladies, if you are single in New York,
after a certain point...

there is nowhere to go but down.

Eighteen stories down, to be exact.

I'm going to Paris.

- That's so exciting!
- Good for you!

Because you're afraid
of going out a window?

No. Because I want to open a new one.

- What about your job?
- I quit.

- What? When did you...
- Stop.

We are done with the question portion
of the program.

I'm happy.

I'm going.

Now, let's go say goodbye to Lexi.

It really is the end of an era.

After the funeral, a couple of friends
walked a couple of blocks.

You want to go get something to eat?

- I'm not hungry, but I'll go sit with you.
- Okay.

- Isn't Gordon's around here?
- It's two blocks.

I can't believe you quit your job.

Couldn't you write the column there?

No. They weren't really into
my "American girl in Paris" angle.

New York paper, New York girl.

It got to be such a hassle, so...

Are they going to have
someone new write it or...

Don't know.

Probably some 29-year-old single girl
with all-new problems.

- I think you're making a mistake.
- Miranda, please.

Carrie, you can't quit your column.
It's who you are.

No, it's not who I am, it's what I do.

That's my column.

- I think I should go home.
- What? I'm not allowed to have an opinion?

You have an opinion.
You've had it for quite some time.

What are you going to do over there
without your job? Eat croissants?

- Why can't you be happy for me?
- I'm sorry, but...

I don't understand why you have to
move away and give up your life.

- You moved to Brooklyn.
- It's just Brooklyn.

I cannot stay in New York
and be single for you.

- What?
- This is about you.

As long as I'm here, in the same place,
writing my column...

then nothing has really changed.

No, this is about you.

No, you moved on, Charlotte's moved on,
even Samantha's moved on.

I can stay here and write about my life...

or I can go with him and live my life.

You mean, his life.

Carrie, I love you, come on!

Just say it! You don't like him!

Fine, I don't like him!

Then don't you go to Paris with him!

You're living in a fantasy!

Maybe I was living in a fantasy...

but I found a man
who could make it a reality.

And I wasn't going to question any of it.

Not even how he found
a horse-drawn sleigh...

in the middle of Manhattan.

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