Sex and the City (1998–2004): Season 6, Episode 15 - Catch-38 - full transcript

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew

I'd been dating the Russian
for two months...

when we hit a relationship benchmark
so rare...

I didn't even know it existed.

He gave me his alarm code.

And I had keys made.

You made me a set of keys?

I had my assistant go to a locksmith...

but, yes, keys were made.

Okay, what's the code?

It's four...



seven...

three...

five?

I will write it down for you.

It was a kind of security
I'd never experienced...

in a relationship.

His alarm code. Like it was nothing.

- Do you really want to hear about this now?
- Yes, I need the distraction.

Samantha was feeling less secure...

as we waited for the results
of her lumpectomy.

It's going to be fine, sweetie.
They got it out, it's going to be fine.

I know.

So, Petrovsky...

It was just so easy.



Big made me beg for a key
in front of his doorman...

whereas the Russian...

has just welcomed me
into his life and apartment.

Did I mention the extra robe
in the bathroom?

- Is it as nice as this one?
- Even nicer, if you can believe it.

- Hello, I'm Dr. Pinkner.
- How do you do?

- Her friend, Carrie.
- Hello, Doctor.

Samantha, I have good news.

The lumpectomy went very well,
all your scans look clean...

and I'd classify you as stage one.

- And one is...
- The best, right?

One is pretty much the best.

You're healing nicely.

Because of the nature of your tumor...

I would still recommend a course of chemo.

- I still have to have...
- Chemotherapy. As a precaution.

I don't understand
how this happened to me.

It could be genetics. Since there's
no breast cancer in your family...

it could be a variety of factors:
Diet, lifestyle choices...

Lifestyle choices?

Some studies have shown
women who haven't had children...

have an increased chance of getting it.

I see.

So I brought this on myself.

- I'm just giving you the basic...
- I think we're done here.

Maybe I wasn't clear...

Give me my chart.
I'm going to find a woman doctor...

some hot woman doctor
who understands what this is all about.

- I meant statistically...
- You're lucky to have touched my breasts.

Carrie, my purse.

It was hard to be huffy in a cloth robe,
but Samantha pulled it off.

All right then, good to meet you.

Like it's my fault.
I shouldn't be punished for not having kids.

I should be rewarded.

Since when did kids
become the get-out-of-cancer-free card?

He's basically saying
I'm a whore who deserves chemo.

I don't think that's what he was saying.

What I don't understand is,
if they got it all...

why do you need chemo?

Because he's an asshole.

- There can be something microscopic...
- Like his dick?

Do you have cancer or Tourette's?

- I'm getting a new doctor. A woman.
- I think you should.

- I've heard great things about a Dr. Mc...
- Andrew. I'm on it.

Top-rated oncologist by New York magazine
four years running.

I'm trying to get in.

I'm sorry. I got to get back to the office.

I'm taking a long weekend,
so I can't take a long lunch.

You never take long weekends.

Steve wanted to go on a little trip...

so we're driving up
to some mountain lodge tomorrow.

It's supposed to be nice.

Slow down there, missus.

Is this "little trip" your honeymoon?

No, it's just a...

- Whatever.
- And yet you just got married last week.

That's interesting.

It's your honeymoon.

Here we go.

- Who's taking care of Brady?
- We're bringing him.

It's not a real honeymoon if Brady's there.

Then it's a "whatever."

What have you got against honeymoons?
It's basically sex with room service.

You have to have a real honeymoon.

- It's very important.
- To whom?

I'm with Star of David on this one.
Leave Brady with Magda.

It's four days,
I've already given her the time off.

She's made plans.
She's going to nannypalooza or something.

I'll take him. I'd love to take him.
He's adorable.

It's four days.
Adorable stops after a day and a half.

I could take care of him part of the time.

I'm his godmother, it's the least I can do.

I can handle him for a couple of days.

I saw that.

You guys would really do that?

- Absolutely.
- With pleasure.

I wouldn't.

Because Smith is coming back into town...

and I've always chosen sex over babies.

And that's apparently why I got cancer.

The next day, I tried on two labels.'

Classic Vuitton and New Mommy.

We're going to go in the carriage
and we're going to see the...

My phone's ringing.

Stay here, hold on.

- Yeah, hello?
- How's it going?

I was just mistaken for a mother
by a mother.

So he's okay?

Yes, Brady and I are having a lovely time.

We are going to spend the afternoon
at the Hotel Petrovsky.

Is he a baby person?

When I told him I had Brady for the day,
he said to bring him over.

But is it safe? Are there stairs?
What about sharp edges?

It's a deathtrap.
We're gonna strap a pillow around the kid...

and hope for the best.

And further downtown,
Samantha was in hot pursuit...

of the hot woman doctor.

Hi. I'm Samantha Jones.

We've spoken on the phone several times.

- Please stay behind the partition.
- Sorry.

I know that you said
Dr. McAndrew was booked...

but I was referred here
by Dr. Ward and Dr. Popham...

who both attended
the Paint for the Cure benefit I threw.

I'm sorry,
the doctor is booked through March.

My good friend Susan Schaffer,
who threw the Dance for the Cure benefit...

said that sometimes Dr. McAndrew
can squeeze you in...

- if you just show up.
- March.

Who do you have to fuck
to get chemo around here?

- Excuse me?
- I'm sorry, I'm upset.

I'm dealing with cancer.

All of New York is dealing with cancer...

not to mention some very pushy people
in Los Angeles and Miami.

Fine, I'll just take a seat
and hope for an opening.

- The doctor has no openings till March.
- You already said that.

I've been here since 9:00 a. M...

so if anyone's going to get in
without an appointment, it's me.

Loud and clear.
Don't you worry about me, I'll get in.

I've been waiting for two days,
and so far no one has gotten in yet.

I was once told I wouldn't be able
to get backstage to see Mick Jagger.

Well, I did get backstage. And I blew him.

Excuse me...

I don't know if this is an appropriate
question to ask.

I think we passed appropriate
a few second ago.

What kind of cancer do you have?

- Breast.
- Me, too.

- I'm curious. Do you have children?
- I'm a nun.

- You have none?
- No, I am a nun.

But that doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy your Mick Jagger story.

- I thought that nuns had to wear...
- I haven't worn a habit in years.

So then...

you don't have sex.

- No.
- Never had sex.

No.

- Just one more.
- Go right ahead.

Are you allowed to masturbate?

I never asked.

But thanks for getting my mind off cancer
for the first time in a week.

Happy to help.

Samantha felt a little better
knowing that saints and sinners...

despite their habits, get the same treatment
when it comes to cancer.

And so far...

that was no treatment at all.

We're here.

Come on in, Brady, I'll get you the candy.

The alarm.

Oh, my gosh, okay.

Four, seven, what?

Welcome.

Hi.

- Brady knocked the vase over.
- That's pathetic, blaming the baby.

My other plan was just to leave...

and pretend you'd been burgled.

Do you want the keys back right now?

Noise? Yes, the alarm.

She's clumsy, isn't she?

Aleksandr holding a baby
was the most disarming thing of all.

And upstate in Honeymoon Central...

That was really great.

Now what?

What do you mean?

We relax.

Should we go for a walk or something?

No, let's just lay here, hang out.

- How often do we get to do that?
- That's true.

Should we get dressed?

I plan on being naked for the next four days.

I'm gonna unpack.

Knock yourself out.

There's no TV or radio.

You okay with that, partner?

I'm fine.

But there is a CD player and a CD.

"Sounds of Mohonk Mountain."

Shit.

- What's the matter?
- I forgot my cell phone charger.

You won't need your cell phone.
It's just you and me.

As Miranda got a crash course
in life as a twosome...

I got a glimpse of life as a threesome.

He's good. This is your best work yet.

The guy's a genius.

- Reminiscent of the early Basquiat.
- You're very good with him.

- You ever thought about having children?
- I have one.

Many years ago.

No more children.

Actually, I cannot, I've...

Yeah, closed the factory.

How about you?
You never wanted children?

You know...

I've always thought that I might.

I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

When were you planning to do this?
How old are you?

Thirty-eight?

I felt like I was just shot with a.38.

The Russian doesn't want to have kids.
Had one a long time ago. He's done.

Then do svidaniya, or however you say it.

What? For you, maybe, but not for me.

- Don't you want to have the option?
- Yes.

But it is my experience that men like him
don't come along often.

But we're 38. These are the years.

Yes, I know, I've heard.
I'm running out of time.

- I don't even have time to eat this cookie.
- How is it?

It's so good I forgot to have children.

Maybe he'll change his mind.

No, I don't think so.

- He had a vasectomy.
- Those are reversible.

Is he willing to have it reversed?

I can't ask him that.

- I don't even know his birthday.
- Too bad.

At our age you have to be able to talk
about having children...

if you think it might get serious.

That attitude...

that awareness on the part of a woman
that time is ticking...

is very sexy to a man.

You can't be scared to have those talks.

Why not?

It's a perfectly scary conversation.
I didn't want to have it with myself.

- What does that mean?
- It means...

if I really wanted to have a baby,
wouldn't I have tried to have one by now?

I wanted to be a writer,
I made myself a writer.

I want a ridiculously extravagant
pair of shoes...

I find a way to buy them.

But this is totally different.

You have been waiting for the right man
and the right time.

That's exactly the way it goes
in my head, too.

Maybe I'm just not a baby person.

Why should you give up having a baby
for a man you hardly know?

Why should I give up a man
for a baby I hardly know I want?

I think you're a baby person.

- You're a closeted baby person.
- What?

You didn't want to leave Brady with me
for two days.

Look at how well you did.

Hi.

I think you should definitely have a baby.

Okay.

So what did he have, a boy or a girl?

I forgot to ask.

See, a baby person would've asked.

All right.
I should get home and do some work.

Why don't you keep Brady
a little while longer? Till dinnertime at least.

You think I'll decide if I'm a baby person
in the next couple of hours?

You still have a couple years.

I'm starting to prune.

You know what would be romantic?

We have a fire, a bubble bath...

champagne.

What would be romantic?

I want to wash your hair.

I washed it already.

I know, but I want to wash it for you.
Like in...

Out of Africa.

Hold the soap.

What could be better than that?

Hurt, soap in my eye!

Hello?

I'm having an anxiety attack.

Brady is fine.

Good, but that's not why I'm calling.

I'm in the woods in my negligee,
and my cell phone only has two bars left.

- Help.
- Are you lost?

Completely.

This whole place, this trip, is screaming:

"You should have sex
with your husband again."

The fire, the tub.
We've already done it twice today.

It's like sex is the only thing
on the itinerary.

So you two are getting along.

Of course, it's our honeymoon.

- Where's he?
- In bed.

He thinks I'm getting ice.

Then don't forget the ice.

Last night Steve and I held hands
for an hour and a half, watching...

the fire.

He was looking into my eyes.

I was looking for the remote.

It feels good to be sarcastic.

You can't be sarcastic on your honeymoon.

You should talk to Steve.

I can't talk to Steve, he's on his honeymoon.

How's Brady? I miss him.

He's great. We're great.

So, this whole motherhood thing,
all it's cracked up to be?

There's something in the bushes.

I hope it's a wild animal...

and not Steve coming to have sex
with me again.

I should be able to do this, Carrie.

This should be the most romantic time
of my life.

Raccoon.

After Miranda used the "S" word twice...

I wondered if should
was another disease plaguing women.

Did we want babies
and perfect honeymoons...

or did we think we should have babies
and perfect honeymoons?

How do we separate what we could do
from what we should do?

And here's an alarming thought.'

It's not just peer pressure,
it seems to be coming from within.

Why are we should-ing all over ourselves?

Then there are the shoulds
of promoting a film...

which Samantha should have been
in favor of, but she wasn't in the mood.

You should stay at the party.
Harvey Weinstein is here.

I did enough parties in L.A.
I'd rather go home with my girl.

Smith, right here!

I don't feel like having
my photograph taken tonight.

I'm gonna go out first
and we'll talk tomorrow.

What's going on? We haven't spent
a night together since I've been back.

- Did I do something?
- No.

- It's not you.
- Something's up.

You were quiet all night.

You didn't talk that much the last few times
we had phone sex.

When you were in L. A...

they found a lump in my breast,
and it's cancer.

Hey, Smith.

The next day at the Hotel Vasectomy...

I had some questions
for the man next to me.

So this child you had...

- Yes.
- How old is...

- She.
- She, yes.

Her name is Chloe.

She is 22.

She lives in Paris,
and her mother lives there, too.

- You were married to her mother?
- Yes.

It's the only time I was married.

It lasted seven years, five of them good.

This is my little thing at the age of four...

in our little house in Santorini.

- She's beautiful.
- Still is.

That's her mother?

She's lovely.

And so young.

I was young then, too.

Why only one child?

I like my life the way I like it.

I got really lucky with Chloe.
Somehow it worked out.

Look, it's her seventh birthday.

Everything is purple.

Purple cake, purple dress, purple shoes.

It was great. So funny.

There it was, wrapped up in a bow.

The whole life
I am never gonna have with him...

because he had it already
with somebody else.

And I know I shouldn't say this
to someone with cancer...

but why me?

Let it rip.

I guess it's not going to happen.

That life, if I'm with him.

Then bye-bye, baby.
What else is on the menu?

What do you mean?

There are a lot of fabulous things in life
that don't include a baby.

What would that be like?

Well.

Him.

Sex and travel, comfort...

Iove...

and extraordinary adventures.

Not too shabby.

If that's where this is going.

At this point, I've only been invited in
as far as...

a security code and a robe.

And the question that I need to ask...

is just impossible to ask.

What is that?

"Will you love me enough...

"to make up for the fact
that I didn't have a baby?"

- Honey, no.
- Exactly, it's only been two months.

38 years and two months.

No, no.

I know.

It's too early in a relationship
to have that conversation...

but it's too late in my life not to.

It's a catch-38.

And after safely putting Brady to bed...

in his very sturdy crib...

Charlotte and Harry
enjoyed some romance as well.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, stop!

What happened?

Brady saw us having sex.
I've scarred him for life.

Him? You've scarred me for life.

Brady.

Look away.

Hello?

I have bad news.

Spit it out. Do I need to come home?

Brady saw us having sex.

- And...
- He was looking at me during...

He doesn't know what he's looking at.

He doesn't know where his nose is.

Are you sure?

Harry, Brady can't be anywhere near
this conversation.

I think it may be too late.
He just said, "Sex is dirty."

That's not funny.

Charlotte, he's fine.

But you sound tense.
Maybe I should still come home.

No, I'm sorry to bother you.
Go back to your honeymoon.

I still have half a bar left...

- No!
- What?

Are you on the phone?

Charlotte panicked, but everything's fine.

Then come back to bed.

I don't need to come to bed. I'm rested.

So am I, come on.

Steve, I can't have sex anymore.

- I have a brain.
- I know you have a brain.

I love you, but I can't love you this often.

I can't love you twice a day every day.
I'm going crazy here.

I miss ESPN and NPR and Dateline.

I am not the honeymoon type.

Do you hate me?

No, I don't hate you.

But it was my honeymoon, too.

I like being quiet sometimes.

I like reading a book.

Four days is a long time.

It isn't actually,
but it's all I had off from work.

Suddenly, Miranda understood
the new should in her life.

The things you should do
for someone you love.

I'm sorry, Steve, I'm an asshole.

Yeah, you are, but you're my asshole.

That's sweet and gross at the same time.

Well, relax.

We're leaving in the morning.

The honeymoon's over.

Say that again.

The honeymoon's over.

For Miranda, once the honeymoon
was over...

it could finally begin.

Hey, I got a brain, you know.

The next day, at Dr. McAndrew's office...

impatient patients were getting desperate.

God bless.

Pulling out all the stops, huh?

What else was I gonna wear?

A big tumor?

This is my second day at this...

facacta office, and my good friend...

the features editor at Vanity Fair...

Miss Jones, I've told you a thousand times,
there's nothing I can do.

Oh, my God.

You're Smith Jerrod's girlfriend?

Yes, I suppose I am.

It was the one name
Samantha hadn't dropped.

Oh, my gosh, I love him.

He's my screen saver.

What's he like?

He's a very loyal boyfriend.

Always by my side.

He would probably come here with me
if I had an appointment.

Smith Jerrod, in this office?

Oh, my gosh.

Let's see...

Sometimes I make an appointment at 8:00.
She doesn't like it, but she'll do it.

- I could come at 8:00.
- And Smith? Does he get up that early?

For this, I think he would.

And...

if you could get her an appointment...

he might kiss you on the lips.

You're tomorrow at 8:00 am, she's 7:45.

Thank you so much.

Smith turned out to be more
than a screen saver.

He was a lifesaver.

We're in.

Oh, my God.

No, oh, my boyfriend.

That is how Smith got Samantha in.

Plus nun.

- Are you cold?
- I'm okay.

You're very quiet today.

What is it?

This vasectomy.

It's not reversible, is it?

I guess, not for me.

Okay.

And we are quiet again, eh?

I know you may think...

it's way too early to say
what I'm about to say...

but it's not.

To say what?

I think that...

I could really be with you.

And I just want to say that...

if this is something...

you are thinking...

I need to know, because...

I'm 38, as you said...

I'm 38.

Thirty-eight is young.

That depends who you're talking to.

So here we are, so soon.

As you said...

I could really be with you as well.

But believe me, I know who I am...

and I won't change my mind.

I'm simply too old for that.

Being a parent is an extraordinary thing.

I wouldn't want you to miss that,
if it's something you want.

And you should have everything you want.

I am kind of cold.

I didn't know exactly what I wanted...

but I felt like I was getting warmer.

Ripped by RavyDavy
part of the [RL] Crew