Sex and the City (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 6 - Critical Condition - full transcript

Miranda feels a double failure as motherhood nor professional life can get her full attention, and people give her looks. Samantha feels her own problems, such as a broken down vibrator, are no less important, and demonstrates her expertise on the subject in the shop, and most surprisingly when she suddenly offers to babysit Brady while Miranda goes to her hairdresser. When Charlotte feels uncomfortable talking tough with her attractive lawyer about Bunnys divorce terms for Trey, so she switches to his bald partner Harry Goldenblatt.

ln the life of a New Yorker,

there are unpleasant things

one has to face.

Having your purse stolen,

random public urination...

...and seeing a gay friend's boyfriend
in a Broadway revue.

- l understand the three drink minimum.
- You're not enjoying the revue?

l'm more concerned about
my review in ''The Times''.

Your book's reviewed this week.
You must be so excited.

More like terrified.

Michiko Kakutani.
She's ''The Times'' book critic.

l thought you were suggesting
an appetizer.

- She's brilliant and tough.
- And impossible to pronounce.

l think they're bringing us home.

How could you not love this?
My boyfriend is gorgeous.

He can kick.


lsn't he great?

l have to go to the ladies' room.

They're doing an encore.

l have to go.

Broadway's best, Debbie Cass.

Who would have thought the phrase

''See your cousin Debbie's club act''

could contain such horror?

l thought there'd be one straight guy.

lf not in the audience, behind the bar.

Hold on. Tomorrow we're gonna cruise

the cute pretzel guys at Village Square.

ls that as sad as that just sounded?

l used to have a thing for the
Amish guys who make hairbrushes.


- You're Carrie Bradshaw.
- Yeah. Have we met?

- l recognise you from your column.
- Oh.

And l went out with Aidan after you.

There l was worried about ''The Times'',
when l'd already been reviewed.

l'm telling you it was a hit-and-run.
No, a face-and-run.

Make it again.

- That ain't good.
- You're being over-sensitive.

lt was a facial spasm. A lot of people
have them, like Bell's palsy.

lt was not Bell's palsy.
lt was a full frontal attack of the face.

Like, ''Wow, was he messed up.
You really screwed him up good.''

- What did you say to her?
- l didn't have time. She ran out.

- Fuck that fucking face girl.
- When you put it like that...

l haven't slept for days.
Brady's been crying non-stop.

- Poor thing. Can l do anything?
- Put me out of my misery.

ls he sick?

He's not sick. He's not hungry.
He's not teething. He wants to scream.

l can't please him. lf he was 35,
this is when we would break up.

He has issues.

This 13-pound meatloaf is pushing
me over the edge. l feel disgusting.

My clothes smell like barf.

l don't have time for a shower,
much less a haircut.

That reminds me. l have to confirm my
appointment at the John Mandy Salon.

You have no idea how hard it was
to get this appointment.

Samantha Jones. l'm calling
to confirm my appointment Saturday

for a cut and colour with John. Thanks.

Crisis averted.

Magda's waiting for me.
Time to go back to prison.

- Let me come. l can help.
- You don't have to.

l have a few questions. l'm meeting
the divorce lawyer on Monday.

Ask him if l could get
an injunction to stop a face.

Who'd you get?

Matthew Bloom
of Bloom & Goldenblatt.

- What's he like?
- He's smart, tough.

ls he tough enough
to beat Bunny to a pulp?

- Yeah.
- Good.

OK. Bye, guys. Have a nice day.

Miranda, call me if you need anything.

Damn. Why is that girl
still bothering me?

Let it go. lf l worried
what every bitch says about me,

l'd never leave the house.

Monday morning,
Charlotte met her lawyer.

He was smart, tough...
and gorgeous.

You said you had bad feelings

about your mother-in-law,
Bunny MacDougal.

Did l?

l get a sense from her lawyer
this is gonna be a battle.

lt was a battle all right.
The battle of the Charlottes.

Charlotte who wanted to seem
attractive to her adorable lawyer.

And Charlotte who wanted to kick
Bunny MacDougal's ass.

Mrs MacDougal's been hiding assets

to make sure
you don't get...anything.

l just really want what was promised.
My apartment.

Technically it's not yours.
Trey's family owns it.

She was careful to make sure
your name wasn't on the deed.

Trey gave me that apartment.

Sorry. Usually l'm very refined.

With your husband out of the country,
you need to be more specific.

Charlotte realised she could never be
as ugly as she needed to be

in front of a man
she considered so handsome.

Sorry to bust in.
There's a bagel with my name on it.

Harry Goldenblatt. Charlotte York.
l'm handling her divorce.

How you doing?
You're in the right hands.

He's a killer.

Who the hell ordered blueberry?
l'm talking to Thelma about this.

Good luck to you.

ls he a killer too?

Just like that,
Charlotte changed lawyers.

After a gruelling day, including
leg, eyebrow and bikini waxes,

Samantha decided to reward herself
with a night of R and R.

Unfortunately, her favourite vibrator
needed a little CPR.

Brady, please. What?
l cannot read your mind.

- Who is it?
- 4D.

lt's 2:30 in the morning.

- l know. l'm sorry.
- You've got to stop that baby.

l said l was sorry, but l have a baby.
Sometimes babies make noise.

l know. l have a baby too.

lf you bothered to say hello,
you would know that.

l'm Kendall. My baby is Alika.
Have a nice night.

Evidently, Miranda had been getting
bad reviews from her own building.

As for my review, l was pretty nervous.

- ''Times''.
- Thank you.

l hadn't been up this early
since Princess Diana's wedding.

Good morning.

''All in all, l enjoyed Ms Bradshaw's
sharp, funny, finely drawn world,

''where single women rule
and the men are disposable.''


l believe what you have is a rave review
from ''The New York Times''.

''The men are disposable''?
l don't dispose of men, do l?

- No.
- Michiko Kakutani thinks so.

- l always agree with her.
- Fuck her.

- No sleep again?
- lt was a good night.

l got a whole hour.

l can't believe
l have to pretend to be a lawyer now.

- Can l wear a baseball cap to work?
- With what shoes?

l'm going on about Michiko Kakutani

when you have real problems.

- Can l obsess for another minute?
- Don't say her name.

lt'll push me over the edge.

Some of the men in the book
are maybe a little disposable.

This makes it sound like
l think men are disposable in life.

- What? What's with the pause?
- l'm sorry. l fell asleep for a second.

That's a terrible thing to think.

That's what the face meant.

Do you think that Aidan thinks
l think he was disposable?

You did not throw Aidan away.

Good morning.

That girl thinks l did.
He must have said something to her.

Where else would she get it?

Steve and Aidan are close. Has Steve
said anything? Does Steve hate me?

You're spinning. He doesn't hate you.

How come l never see him?

Because l have to keep him away.

lf l see him, l'll ask him to marry me
to give me some help.

l worked hard taking care of Aidan's
feelings. Mention that to Steve.

- lf Aidan told Steve...
- You know what?

Maybe you should call Samantha.

She has all kinds of time
to talk about this stuff.

l know it's me
and l'm jealous of her free time.

lf she could just once acknowledge
that l've had a baby.

lt's not enough
l've alienated my neighbour.

- l'm alienating my friends.
- You're not alienating anyone.

Tell that to 4D.
She's pissed off l don't know her name.

- Do you know your neighbours?
- Please.

- l'm a bad neighbour and mother.
- Not true. You're doing great.

- Yeah, right.
- You're having a bad week.

- Can l do anything to help?
- That helps. Just asking.

l'm late. l gotta go.
Congratulations on the review!


Why is it that we only believe the
negative things people say about us?

No matter
how much evidence to the contrary.

A neighbour, a face, an ex-boyfriend

can cancel out
everything we thought was true.

When it comes to life and love,
why do we believe our worst reviews?

After a long day in court,
Miranda faced another jury.

Don't cry.

At City Bakery, Samantha and l
were reviewing the desserts.

Delish... l'll buy you dessert
if you do something for me.

- l'm not eating desserts this week.
- Best brownies in New York.


l'll take a brownie.

- What do you need?
- lt's about Miranda and the baby.

- Forget the brownie.
- No, she'll take it.

Babies are not my scene.

This one sounds like an asshole.

You can't call a baby an asshole.

She called it a meatloaf.

l don't think it would kill us
to be more supportive.

All right. When he's in college,
l'll take him for a drink

and flirt with his friends.

You could stop by tomorrow and say,

''l hear you had a baby.
How's it going?''

l have no time. l'm booked all day.

l have my hair appointment
and l'm returning a vibrator.

Hair and a vibrator.

Yes. That is my life
and l don't have to justify it.

l hate it when people have babies

and expect you to turn into
a Norman Rockwell painting.

We're not talking about people.

We're talking about our friend,
and she's sinking.

So Miranda's like Venice?

That'll be $14.20.

She's paying for the brownie.


Hey, Julia. Hi.

This is Samantha. This is Julia Afton.
We work at ''Vogue''.

She gets to run in once a month
while l'm chained to Anna Wintour.

- Oh, there's my friend. Nina!
- l'm here.

- About time.
- Sorry, l'm late.

Carrie. Hi.

There l was,
face to face with the face girl.

- How do you know each other?
- l'll tell you over lunch.

- Nina Katz? Samantha Jones.
- Nice to see you again.

Can we eat? l am starvation central.

- See ya.
- Bye, Carrie.

- How do you know Nina Katz?
- How do you know her?

Everybody knows her. She's
the booker for ''Saturday Night Live''.

- She's also the face girl.
- No. Nina Katz is the...

Exactly. Great, that face
will be all over ''Vogue''.

Not to mention ''SNL''.
Nina Katz loves to talk.

- $15.30.
- l'm going to need a brownie as well.

The next day,
Samantha did some personal shopping.

Very personal.

- May l help you?
- Yes.

l'd like to return this vibrator.

- We don't sell vibrators.
- l bought it here six months ago.

That's not a vibrator.
lt's a neck massager.

No, it's a vibrator.

Sharper lmage doesn't sell vibrators.
lt's a neck massager.

Women buy these
to help their sore necks?

lt's a neck massager.

Fine. l'd like to return
this neck massager.

- What's wrong with it?
- lt failed to get me off.

lt has a warranty and it stopped.
lt made the saddest little sound.

- Perhaps you wore it out.
- lt wouldn't be the first.

Fine. Just find another
and go to the cashier.

l know a man in desperate need
of a neck massage.

You don't want that one.
Too many bells and whistles.

That one works against you.

lf we wanted to work that hard,
we'd get a man.

Samantha instantly established herself
as the Michiko Kakutani of vibrators.

- That one actually is a back massager.
- Not if you mount it.

Absolutely not.
That will burn your clit.

- Even with underwear?
- Even with ski pants.

l brought you something.

lt belongs to Alika.
An oscillating chair.

- lt helps.
- Come on in.

Hey there, Mr Mouth.

What have you got to say
that is so important?

l'm sorry. lt's been non-stop.

This chair is a little controversial.

But l don't give a shit.
lt stopped my baby from crying.

l was about ready to throw myself
off the fire escape.

Sounds good.

Oh, my God. The chair is a genius.

l don't know. Something about
the vibration. They love it.

Alika could sit in it for hours.

How come you haven't heard of this?

Don't your girlfriends have babies?

- No, l'm the only one.
- Then you're screwed.

They've been very helpful.

lf they don't have kids,
they don't have a clue.

Miranda, you're not a bad mother.
You just didn't have the chair.

Thank you...


Three blissful baby hours later...

- Samantha, what are you doing here?
- l'm not Samantha. You are.

You have a 5:30 appointment
at the John Mandy Salon. Go.

What? l can't take your...

l'm counting to five
then changing my mind.

- You want to babysit?
- Five, four...

l don't know what to say.
l can't believe it.

Neither can l but here l am.
Mary fuckin' Poppins.

Thank you.

The numbers are on the fridge.
Don't take him out of that chair.

lt's the only thing that keeps him quiet.

And don't call boys. don't look so bad.

Meanwhile, in a chair across town,

l was enjoying an afternoon
of absolutely nothing.

Do you think Nina Katz
is telling random celebrity hosts

that l'm the bad break-up girlfriend?

- What?
- You said she loved to talk.

Do you think she's trashing me
to Gwyneth Paltrow or lan McKellen?

You can't be serious.

l don't flatter myself
that Gwyneth Paltrow or lan McKellen

would be interested in my love life,
but... Are you at a zoo?

No. Thanks to you, l'm at Miranda's.

Brady won't stop screaming
and l don't know what to do.

- You're at Miranda's?
- l sent her to get my haircut.

- That was nice.
- Yes. Now l'm being punished.

- He's not hurt?
- No.

- Wet?
- No.

- l don't know what his problem is.
- He's an asshole.

- Maybe you should call Miranda.
- l will not.

lt took me months to get that
appointment. Someone should benefit.

l'll find some way
to keep this kid quiet. Goodbye.

- What about Nina?
- Maybe Charlotte has time to talk.

l have a screaming baby on my hands.

What? What do you need?

Well...that's better.

- ls everything OK?
- Absolutely.

- The chair broke, but shit happens.
- The chair broke?

But what did you...? l mean, did he...?

That better be brand new.

Monday morning,
Harry Goldenblatt did his best

to make sure Bunny
didn't hop all over Charlotte.

Mrs MacDougal is willing to offer
her son's collection

of mint condition, silver buffalo coins.

She's not going to settle
for a coin collection.

According to the pre-nup...

This is ridiculous.
Trey gave me that apartment.

She gave him her word.
Till death do them part.

- lf you have something to say...
- l shall.

- l strongly recommend...
- Allan, hush.

You took a vow. When things
didn't go your way, you broke it.

l come from a generation of women
that valued marriage.

We believed in for better or worse,

not for better
or until the road gets rocky.

When l think of the heartache

and shame you caused my dear boy,

l'm amazed you could
even look me in the face.

Charlotte couldn't fight any more.

lt seemed she'd been fighting
for this marriage forever.

Be advised, young lady.
l'm prepared to go to court.

lt's the coin collection.
Take it or leave it.

Our office just received a telegram
from Scotland

from Dr MacDougal.
Shall l read it?

By all means.

Charlotte York was
a wonderful wife. Stop.

She did nothing wrong. Stop.

Give her everything she wants. Stop.

Seriously, Mother. Stop.

That's the thing about reviews.

When you least expect it,
you get a rave.

- Just the apartment.
- l'll have papers drawn up

so Mrs MacDougal
can transfer the deed.

Even though things were ugly,

Charlotte didn't want them
to end that way.

l'm sorry things didn't work out better
for all of us.


Charlotte realised there was
no fairy-tale divorce, either.

Ding dong, the witch is dead.

Farther uptown,
still unable to let it go,

Nina Katz and that face
had driven me to face my worst fear.

l know l was vague on the phone.

Miranda, right? She doesn't want me
calling so much. lt's fine.

lt's not about Miranda.

How does Aidan feel about me?

You're not going to try
to get back together, are you?

No, but that answers any question
l had about how you feel.

- Does he hate me?
- No, but come on. lt was pretty bad.

How bad, Steve?

- Steve, the ball.
- Sorry.

- How is he now?
- Great. He's great.

- Good.
- He's

But back then
he couldn't get out of bed for...

- Days, weeks?
- A month. l brought him chicken wings.

- Oh, Christ.
- l don't mean to make you feel bad.

- Well...a month?
- Yeah, he was devastated.

He lost his ability
to open up and trust women.

He lost his ability to open up
and trust women. Did he tell you that?

Guys don't talk about
shit like that. We ate wings.

Nina, who he was dating, told me.

We're looking for
the cute pretzel guys.

You never wanted to cruise guys
when l was available.

This is about clarity. That Nina Katz
face chick is hitting too close to home.

l want to tell her my side
of the break-up story.

- You know what you and Aidan had.
- l do, but she doesn't.

She's yip-yapping her version
all over town.

lt takes one bad review to cancel
all the good word of mouth.

- What do you think of Marcus?
- Nice.

Relationships are complicated.
You can't reduce them to a face.

- l know Aidan has feelings...
- OK, stop.

l am done.

l've listened to you talk about Aidan
for ten blocks and two years.

l've been a wonderful audience.

l ask you about my Marcus,
and all l get is ''nice''.

l'm sorry.

How many relationships have l been in
since you've known me?

Real or imaginary?

Your opinion means a lot to me.
You're my machico caca matza.

You want me to review
your relationship?

- lmmediately, if not sooner.
- l like that he makes you happy.

Oh, my God.


One more time,
you are officially stalking me.

Hi, l'm Heather.

Heather Graham, l know.
l love you. l'm Stanford Blatch.

- Heather, this is Carrie Bradshaw.
- Carrie Bradshaw. Really?

OK, Nina...

l need to talk to you for a second,
alone, if l can.

- Ms Graham, may l buy you a pretzel?
- OK.

- Get me one.
- A man or a pretzel.

- Whatever has less carbs.
- Right.

l get the sense that you have a feeling

about what happened with Aidan.

l want to clear something up.

Break-ups are awful,
and they are private.

They are not necessarily symptomatic
of what two people had.

l loved Aidan very much.

l would never have done anything
to deliberately hurt him.


Suddenly, l realised the critic
l was most afraid of wasn't Nina Katz.

lt was me.



The truth is at any moment,

someone somewhere
could be making a face about you.

lt's the reviews you give yourself
that matter.

l'm with Heather and l'm like,
''What do we talk about?''

- She's pretty.
- But we had nothing to talk about

but pretzels, so l said...

Sorry. Come on.

l said, ''Have you been to Bavaria?
They make the best pretzels.''