Sex and the City (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 3 - Luck Be an Old Lady - full transcript

When venturing out

on your first blind date in a decade,

it's crucial to have the right attitude.

Hope for the best.

Ted?

Sorry.

Prepare for the worst...

...and who knows,

you might be pleasantly surprised.

Or not.

l got stood up.



l deigned to go on a blind date

against my better judgment.

l was willing to lower myself
into the gutter.

- l miss dating.
- He doesn't show.

Are you sure?

Either he didn't show
or took one look at me and ran.

Which is worse? l can't decide.

l'm sure we'll get to the bottom of this.

A stranger hurt my feelings.
That's scraping bottom.

You shouldn't be going
on blind dates. lt's beneath you.

That's not true. l know great couples
that met on blind dates.

- Eric and Marcy...
- Stop. Even if he had shown,

first dates are like interviews
with cocktails. l'm done.

l said that yesterday about bread.
l ordered pancakes.



Why should l risk
having a god-awful evening,

when l am guaranteed
to have fun with you guys?

Honey, you're cute,
but l'm never gonna fuck you.

l'm sorry this happened
on your first date back. Keep trying.

l came out, l saw my shadow.
l'm going back in. See you next winter.

You have to take risks
so you don't wind up an old maid.

Oh! That's right.
Must not wind up old maid.

How will l remember that?
Does anybody have a pen?

Why do we get
''old maid'' and ''spinster''

and men are
''bachelors'' and ''playboys''?

No matter how shrivelled
their dicks are.

The end. New topic.

Charlotte's 36th birthday
is Saturday night.

l say we spinsters
take back Manhattan.

l've thought about it
and l've decided l'm sticking at 35.

- lt was such a good year?
- l'm not where l thought l'd be at 36.

- l don't feel 36. l don't look 36, right?
- No.

Men are more interested in meeting
35-year-olds. So l'm sticking.

We all turned 36 like big girls.
Now it's your turn.

Lying about her age is
the smartest thing she's done in years.

Where are we celebrating
Charlotte's 35th birthday, the sequel?

Today is the baby nurse's last day.

Now, you have to book me in advance.

You're like Nobu.

l can't go either.
Richard's taking me to Atlantic City.

- What'd you do wrong?
- He loves to gamble.

There's a heavyweight fight
he wants to see.

We are going on his private jet.

No celebration is fine with me.

The four of us can't get together
for Charlotte's 30-faux birthday?

This is bullshit!

Two nights later,
with no friends, no dates,

not even any good bad TV to watch...

This is bullshit.

OK, this is my third and final phone call.

Miranda thinks she can get
Steve to watch the baby.

Charlotte agreed as long
as we don't mention her birthday or 36.

l'm still a little fuzzy on the rules.
Can't you get out of Atlantic City?

- l'll have to ask Richard.
- Please do.

l am looking at the last picture
taken of us and it is mouldy.

Miranda is wearing
a blouse with shoulder pads.

Carrie's hell-bent on getting
the four of us together Saturday.

Would you be terribly disappointed
if l didn't come?

Why not bring them?
l'll raise two suites.

- There's room on the jet.
- Yes!

That Friday, l picked up my fellow
jet-setter on the way to the airport.

Under the boardwaIk
We'II be having...

What?

l can't go. l'm not ready
to be separated from the baby.

- What?
- l'm kidding!

Steve took him two hours ago.
l'm free! l'm leaving the compound!

Don't do that to me!
l'm a 36-year-old woman!

Come on in. l need two seconds.

- Two seconds.
- OK. Oh, man...

Hi, Magda. How are you?

You want to see something beautiful?
l show you.

Look at him.
You ever see such beautiful face?

Look here. So smiley.

And here, after bath.
With his little poopick.

OK.

As l live and breathe, Ms Hobbes,

l never thought l'd see the day.

That's not me, that's her.
l didn't take most of those.

This is my only sweater
that covers my ass.

Can l get away with this
and stretchy pants?

Atlantic City is the capital
of stretchy pants. They're mandatory.

Let's go. Let's go.

Hi. How you doing?

What's wrong?
Why are you back?

l thought l forgot the Wipies,
but turns out actually...

- l don't think l can do this.
- Excuse me?

l'm afraid that l might break him.

l accidentally scratched his face
with my dirty fingernail. Look...

lt's nothing. You've taken care
of him before. lt's been fine.

Yeah, but...for two hours l'm great.
After two hours, l might...

...accidentally kill him.

We're both afraid
we're going to kill the baby.

We made an agreement this week.

Monday to Friday,
l try not to kill him.

Saturday and Sunday,
you try not to.

l'm sorry.

l can't do it.

You should go.
You're gonna miss the plane.

The four of us are going to Atlantic City.
We will figure something out.

- Hello! Sorry l'm so late.
- Hi.

- Welcome aboard.
- Where is everybody?

- l thought l was late.
- Some problem with the baby.

- They're meeting us there.
- They are?

So, it's just going to be
the three of us for the whole flight?

Yeah, come in.
Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, Samantha, you shouldn't have.

Ooh, it's pretty...

But what is it?

l'm sorry.
That was actually meant for Samantha.

- A pearl thong.
- For me? You naughty boy.

Did l tell you l've taken up knitting?
lt calms my nerves.

Practical and stimulating.
What will they think of next?

Knitting is the new yoga,
according to ''New York Magazine''.

l'm making these for Brady.

Maybe later, l'll give you
a pearl necklace to match.

My father gave me a beautiful
pearl necklace for my sweet sixteen.

We're talking about
the other kind of pearl necklace.

You know,
when a guy decorates your neck?

You're sure that Carrie said
they were coming down tonight?

''Knit one, purl two'' would never sound
the same to Charlotte again.

l need to go somewhere
that l've been looking forward to...

- Excuse me.
- No, no...

Time out, guys.

- Magda has offered to help Steve.
- That's not her job.

Throw some money
at the problem. Let's hit the road.

We've missed the jet.
How will we get there?

This is the final call for Atlantic City.

Passengers should board
for immediate departure.

This is pleasant.
l think we're on the old lady express.

- Right there.
- Where are all the old men?

Dead or married to 20-year-olds.

l am so excited. l have been dreaming
about being alone with these.

l love that ''The New Yorker''
is your porn.

Will we still be friends
when we're this old?

- Sure.
- What do you mean, ''sure''?

l could barely get us together
for the weekend and we're all mobile.

Hey ''New Yorker'', l'm talking to you.

How are we gonna make it
to 70 if you've already zoned me out?

l'm listening. Talk fast.

Friendships don't magically last
40 years. You have to invest in them.

lt's like savings. You don't expect
to wake up when you're old

and find a big bucket of money.

- Did you finally open that lRA?
- No.

My point is, we need
an emotional retirement plan.

This is important, making time
for each other and taking trips like this.

As we can see, at the end of the line,
it's gonna be us ladies riding a bus.

l'm so happy right now.

Atlantic City boarding at gate 104.

Two ''New Yorker'' magazines
and two knit booties later,

we all arrived at
the understated Taj Mahal casino.

Here it is, ladies. Atlantic City.

Breathe deep and take it all in.

Oh, God. l've missed this.

Oh, yeah.

- l thought you've never been here.
- l'm referring to the smoke.

- Look at the old ladies.
- This is nothing.

- You should've been on the bus.
- l wish l had.

A little harmless over-the-bra action

and Miss Prissy here
is running for a parachute.

Have you heard of a pearl necklace?

- l'm hitting the slots.
- l told Richard l'd stop by.

Not so fast. We'll take care of that later.

Right now, l'm taking my ladies
to dinner. That's right, it's on me.

Steak, you got it.
Lobster, coming right up.

Nothing is too fancy
for my Atlantic City ladies.

We have got to get a picture here.
This place is fantastic!

- ls that a euphemism for tacky?
- lt's so delirious.

- ls it bad to order more sour cream?
- No. You're on vacation.

l almost forgot about
Charlotte's present.

- lt's tomorrow, and l said l didn't...
- Relax. lt was in the gift shop for $3.99.

Old maid?
ls this supposed to be funny?

Of course. You couldn't be
farther from an old maid.

l remember her looking a lot older.
She looks about our age now.

Oh, she's had work done.

So here's where
the bathing beauties are hiding.

You flatterer.

My poker game's starting.
Would you like to join me?

- l think l'll stay with the girls.
- All right.

Richard, welcome back
to the Taj Mahal. How are you?

- l'm very well, Denise.
- Oh. Hello, Denise.

l'm Samantha. Pleasure to meet you.

lf you'll excuse me. Five gentlemen
are waiting to take my money.

- l'll walk you out.
- Thank you.

- That reminds me. l have to pump.
- Who picked this ''breastaurant''?

Cleavage is big here.
lt's part of the regional charm.

l propose a toast.

To the four of us. May we always...

l think l will join Richard. Goodnight.

Ladies, would you like
the souvenir photograph?

- Oh!
- No.

lt was supposed to be the four of us.
Now one of us has a puss on.

Thanks.

When are we gonna gamble?

Baby needs new shoes.

OK, you won. Let's go find Samantha.

- l'm winning.
- That's why you should leave now.

l don't want to.

No one's offered us drinks yet.

- They're free.
- Hey, blondie.

- Blow my dice for luck.
- l don't know how to play. Let her do it.

- No, get the hot one.
- l want you, my lucky blonde. Blow.

- Five to stay alive!
- Come on.

- Fuck, l lost.
- Oh.

You just won me 12 grand, blondie.

Here.

Oh, my God.

- l can't accept this.
- lt's yours, blondie.

Get in the game. Have some fun.

- Are you going to gamble it?
- lt's $1,000.

- Did you hear that?
- lt could be a lot more.

''Lucky blonde.'' So sexist!

- What have you got to lose?
- $1,000.

That would not make me happy.

What would make us happy is to see
ZZ Top in the Magic Carpet Room.

l'm gonna pass. l've got pay-per-view
and a frozen Milky Way in my room.

What? A minute ago
you were bouncing off the walls.

l'm like this now.
l stop for a minute, l have to lie down.

- Goodnight.
- What? You...

You can't go to sleep.
ln five minutes Charlotte turns 35 again.

Goodnight.

Charlotte went to sleep that night
with a $1,000 chip on her shoulder.

The easier a game is to understand,
the greater the house edge.

Roulette is no exception.

The house edge on all bets
is 119, for 5 points...

Except for zero, double zero,
1, 2, 3 combination,

which carries a house edge of...

People go to casinos for the
same reason they go on blind dates...

...hoping to hit the jackpot. But mostly,
you wind up broke or alone in a bar.

lf we know the house always wins,

why gamble?

Next morning, Richard and Samantha
awoke in the Kublai Khan suite.

How long will you be with the girls?

All day, probably.
What are your plans?

l haven't decided yet.

- l'm sorry to interrupt, Richard.
- Not a problem, Terry.

Apparently, there were no old maids
at the Taj Mahal.

Terry, was it? Easy to remember.
Terry with her terry cloth towels.

Samantha had the distinct feeling
she was being Kublai conned.

Thank you.

You're not jealous
of a casino cleaning lady, are you?

lt's impressive you know the name
of every woman who works here.

l know the male employee's names.
Doesn't mean l'll sleep with them.

Aren't you keeping the girls?

Hi. l'm Samantha.

Can l get you some towels,
a chocolate for your pillow?

- A blow job.
- Yes, but not necessarily in that order.

Meanwhile, Charlotte's encore
35th birthday was off to a running start.

There she was, an old maid.

And it wasn't funny.

Three hours later, l was waiting
for our foursome to come together.

- Here's the spin.
- You're quite the spinster.

Sorry l'm late. l've been fucking
Richard for three hours.

- He's all fucked out.
- ls he breathing?

lt was defensive fucking.
l had no choice.

There are cheap-looking whores
flying at him from every direction.

There she was.

Miss Atlantic Slutty.

- Charlotte, are you in there?
- No, but l think ''Harlot'' is.

l didn't like what l packed,

so l picked something
at the casino shop.

Those are for women who have lost
their money and have to turn tricks.

- Does this gal gamble?
- Yeah!

No wonder the house always wins.
These guys are smothered in breasts.

What was l thinking bringing
a cheating man to Atlantic Titty.

- What you doing down there?
- lt's the pearl thong.

lt's good for foreplay.
Not good for post-play.

- You bet it all?
- You've gotta play big to win big.

Ma'am, would you like a hit?

- Over.
- Well, we just lost big.

lt's all part of the fun.
We need your chip.

- Who, me?
- You're sitting on $1,000.

- Don't make me hit the ATM again.
- Haven't we lost enough?

- We're just starting.
- Are you playing?

lf you're not playing,
you'll have to give up your seats.

lt's OK, we're leaving.

Would you mind taking our picture first?

- l'm not allowed to do that.
- lt's not Disneyland.

Hey, Red, move your fat ass!

- What did you just say to her?
- Who the hell do you think you are?

- Fuck you!
- Get in the game or get out.

Guys, let's go. lt's OK.

No! lt is most certainly not OK!

Listen, you big jerk!
Her ass isn't normally this big.

Thank you, l almost forgot.

My ass is fat because l just
had a baby, you asshole.

- What's your excuse?
- You having triplets?

Come on, let's go.

The Lennox Lewis match
sold out that night,

but our heavyweight fight
caused a bigger stir.

l think l'm gonna go upstairs.

They're just idiots. Don't go.

l'm tired. l'm sorry, Charlotte.
Happy birthday.

Stay. You can have my chip.

lt's Richard. Hello. Really?

- Should l talk to her?
- She'll be all right.

Sure. l'll go with one of the girls. Ciao.

He had a sudden conference call
and he can't go to the fight.

''Go with the girls.'' Right. So he
can get serviced by room service.

We'll see about that.

Shit!

Under other circumstances,
running stairs in a pearl thong

would have been Samantha's idea
of a good time.

By the eighth floor, somewhere
between pissed off and getting off,

she had to take it off.

Yes, thank you. l will.

No one's here.

- No one's here.
- What's going on?

l can't do this any more.
That's what's going on.

l ran up 11 flights of stairs

because l was sure
you were fucking someone.

- As you can see, l'm not.
- Right now.

Right now you're not.
But you were and you will again.

l can't spend my life running
up and down stairs wondering when.

l thought l could handle this, but l can't.
l'm too old. l'm 37, after all.

l told you l'd do my best
never to hurt you again, and l meant it.

- Right, your best.
- Samantha...l love you.

l love you too, Richard,
but l love me more.

And there, high above the casino,
Samantha pulled her highest bet,

her heart, off the table.

Just when Samantha thought
she might have folded too soon...

One drink here, then we should see
the boardwalk before it's dark.

- Hey, can we buy you a drink?
- Like to sit down?

- No, we're fine.
- That would be lovely.

- You having a good time?
- Yes, today's my birthday.

- Oh, now it's your birthday.
- Happy birthday.

- Yeah.
- What are your names?

Can you just...wait one second?

- What is the point of this?
- You wanted a drink.

Can l have a word with you, alone?

Sure. We'll be right back.

lt's Charlotte.

- The one in the black's cute.
- l didn't leave Manhattan

to double-date two guys
we'll never see again.

You didn't even talk to them.

l don't want to. l would rather have
a real conversation with you.

Can't we have one drink?
lt might be fun.

- Let's go.
- They're gone.

Well, problem solved.

20 minutes later, we were
out of the dark and into the light.

lsn't this amazing?
lt's like a postcard from the '20s.

- What's the harm in one drink?
- l can't believe you're still upset.

What role did you think
they were going to play in our lives?

- We might have hit it off.
- Come on.

Look at the odds. How many guys
do we ever hit it off with?

Very few, and even if we do,
those relationships don't last.

Even if they did, men die first.
We're back where we started.

l say we skip all the drama
and enjoy each other's company...now.

But l don't want to skip
all the drama. That's life.

That's everything. That's relationships
and anniversaries and kids.

l want all that, in addition to my friends.

That sounds wonderful,
but don't bank on it happening.

You must be getting cold.
l'll meet you back at the hotel.

l'm going to get some saltwater taffy.

- Are you sure?
- l'm dying for it.

Watch the tramcar, please.

By my fifth piece
of peppermint taffy, l realised...

maybe l wasn't banking on my friends.
l was hiding in them.

Ready for a swim?
Got your bathing suit on under there.

Oh yeah, it's a bikini. You'll love it.

l was hoping for a skinny dip.

There is nothing skinny about
either of us. Should we go back?

- ln a minute. lt's almost sunset.
- You and your pink sky.

Then again, maybe there are
some things worth gambling on.

Back inside, l had a thought.
To hit the jackpot in the future,

you might have to bet on
where you are in the present.

Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets.

What happens after 36?

l don't know.
l guess you fall off the table.

All right, no more bets. Here we go.

29.

The winner is...number 29.

Well...

l can't believe you gambled
all that money. We could be in a limo.

You told me to.
l thought we were taking the jet.

You couldn't have broken up tomorrow?

And lose my dignity?

Don't let me have any more of these.

Anyone up for playing Old Maid?

Aren't we?

- l'm in.
- l'm in. Oh, wait!

- Oh, my God!
- No.

Excuse me.
Would you mind taking our picture?

This is the moment
we'll want to remember.

Turns out, it was.