Sex and the City (1998–2004): Season 3, Episode 7 - Drama Queens - full transcript

It happened two days ago.

Aidan and I had been seeing each other
for three weeks when...

- What is it? Bad dream?
- I'm not sure.

- What's wrong?
- I don't know.

The truth was I really didn't.

The next day
I searched for unpaid bills,

unanswered calls, unmet deadlines.

But I hadn't so much as missed
a teeth cleaning.

My life appeared to be in order.

But the next night, like clockwork...

I realized I was in an existential crisis.



One that not even the sight of this
season's Dolce & Gabbana sandals

could lift me out of.

Do you wanna spend the night?

- I'm gonna get some water.
- Relax. I'll get it.

Then I realized it.

What was wrong was,
for the first time in my life,

I was in a relationship
where absolutely nothing was wrong.

It's smooth sailing.

Nothing but calm seas, blue horizons.

See what I'm saying?

Absolutely. Not a cloud in sight.

We adore each other.

We have fun. We mesh.

And this is a problem?



It feels odd.
I'm used to the hunt.

This is... effortless.
It's freaking me out.

I totally understand.
You're not getting the stomach flip.

Which is just a fear of losing the guy.

Maybe I'm not used to
being with someone

who doesn't do the seductive
withholding dance.

But there is an upside to being
with a guy with no surprises.

Steve is completely predictable,
but that's what I love about him.

He's so comfortable and safe.

Are you dating a man or a mini-van?

My new favorite thing to do
on a Saturday night is Steve's laundry

and I've never been happier.

Your relationship
is my greatest fear realized.

I understand your dilemma
and from my experience,

if he seems too good to be true,
he probably is.

I don't believe this. Now we're
dumping guys for being too available.

This is all solid proof of what
I've read in this great new book.

It says if you
really wanna get married,

you shouldn't spend so much time
around dysfunctional single women.

"Marriage Incorporated:

"How to apply successful business
strategies to finding a husband".

Chapter one:
"How To Get Ahead By Giving Head".

Fine! Make fun.
It's a very smart book.

It encourages professional women
to approach finding a mate

with the dedication and organization
they bring to their careers.

I'm more a student of chaos theory.

If you don't see as much of me,
I'm with my married friends.

And how will this help you
meet your mate?

Bachelor friends of married men are
the city's greatest untapped resource.

The way to meet them
is through the husbands.

So my first assignment is to befriend
the husbands. It's my new job.

That evening, as Charlotte began
her new career as a husband-hunter,

Miranda returned home to feather
her stress-free love nest.

- I heated up some leftover lasagne.
- Great. I'm starving.

- Wanna get some plates?
- What for? It's just us.

An hour later it was on to dessert.

Followed by exactly eight minutes
of no-frills sex.

And 12 minutes of "Front Line".

Theirs was the kind of closeness
that only came from true intimacy.

Samantha was experiencing intimacy
that only came from anonymity.

His name was Dr. Mark Raskin.

An ear, nose and throat man
that Samantha met...

actually we're not sure where.
Suffice to say it happened quickly.

Will you get me some water, please?

- What for?
- I want to take a hit of Viagra.

Number one -
that's very presumptuous of you.

And number two -

from what I can tell, you don't need
any help in that area whatsoever.

I don't need it.
I just take it recreationally.

What does it do for you?

Sends me on a rocket trip
right through your solar system.

I'll be right back with that...

...water.

While Samantha enjoyed
the thrill of the new

and Miranda's relationship
happily floated on a placid sea

I was searching for hidden icebergs.

Why are you still single?

- Why are you still single?
- Don't do that.

I hate it when guys act all cute.

- What?
- Waiting for an apology.

OK. I'm a bitch. I'm sorry.

You should know I get a tad bitchy
from time to time.

I'm sure you have your bad traits.
And they would be?

- Alphabetically?
- Whatever you got.

It's all gonna come out eventually,
so I'd like to know now

and that way I can decide
if I'd like to deal with it or not.

This is the strangest two blocks
I ever walked.

Again I'm sorry, but this relationship
cannot just sail on like it is: Perfect.

Frankly, I can't take the pressure.

OK. I'm gonna kiss you now.

Seriously. What the hell is wrong
with you that you're not married?

- Tell me.
- Can't you relax and go with the flow.

Go with the flow? No, I can't do that.
It's so seventies.

How long you think
this phase is gonna last?

My folks are coming this weekend
and I want you to meet them.

- That's so...
- Fifties?

That is really nice.

So, these parents
that are coming to town...

do they know what's wrong with you?

Let's get you a doughnut.

Nuts.

The next evening, taking a page
from "Marriage Incorporated",

Charlotte had dinner with her
married friends, Amy and Dennis.

Allow me to get right to the point.

After careful consideration,
I've decided that I'm getting married.

- Charlotte, that's wonderful!
- Who's the lucky guy?

I don't know yet.
That's where you two come in.

Dennis, name one great single friend
that you have to fix me up with.

I don't know.
No one you'd like offhand.

- What about Phil?
- Phil, yeah.

If he can tear himself away from his
internet company to go on a date.

Yes! Phil.

Phil, Phil, Phil.

He is so nice and cute.

- You think Phil's cute?
- He's cute.

I can see that.

Great. Then it's all set up.
I'll call you tomorrow to follow up.

Look! I have tickets
to the opera on Saturday night.

- I would like to take Phil.
- Great.

The next morning before work,
while sorting Steve's laundry,

Miranda came face to face
with the true meaning of intimacy.

I was wrong.

There is a point where a couple
can get too comfortable.

I reached it this morning
washing Steve's underwear.

Why, what happened?

- I'm living with "skid marks" guy.
- Oh, no! Terrible.

I don't get it.
Why do men get skid marks?

Is it laziness?
Or are they just in a rush?

I don't know but it goes hand in hand
with urinating on the seat.

I tell you one thing. When
your boyfriend is so comfortable

he can't be bothered to wipe his ass,
that's the end of romance.

It's certainly the end of laundry night.

It got me thinking. Maybe I mistake
falling into a rut with intimacy.

- How often are you having sex?
- Often enough.

But it's totally generic.
We've got every move down pat.

It's more like a race
to have an orgasm.

- It's nice to be a contestant, isn't it?
- Sure. I know what you mean.

We whine when we don't have
a boyfriend, we whine when we do.

Do you remember how Big
kept me away from his mother?

- I remember.
- And how pissed it used to make me?

Now, Aidan's offering both his parents
on a silver platter

and I'm not sure I want to meet them.

Maybe it's too soon.

I've never met Steve's mother
and I'm in no rush.

The irony is Aidan's acting exactly
how I wish Big would have behaved.

And I'm behaving just like Big.

Maybe you don't believe it's for real
unless somebody plays hard to get.

When things come too easy,
we're suspect.

Do they have to get complicated
before we believe they're for real?

We're raised to believe that
true love never runs smoothly.

There always have to be
obstacles in Act Two

before you can live
happily ever after in Act Three.

But what happens when
the obstacles aren't there?

Does that mean
there's something missing?

Do we need drama
to make a relationship work?

A few days later, still hearing no word
from Dennis about her date

Charlotte made a call to his office.

Charlotte Yorke.
He can reach me at home or at work

and it's very important because I have
tickets to the opera on Saturday.

Never mind, just have him call me.

Her call unanswered,
Charlotte followed up persistently.

Can you tell Dennis
that Charlotte Yorke called?

Yes, he'll know what it's regarding.

It's regarding my future husband, Phil.

OK? Thank you.

Hi. You've reached
the office of Dennis Fincher.

I'm either out of the office
or away from my desk.

Please leave a message
at the sound of the tone.

Well. Obviously, you have some good
reason for keeping Phil and I apart.

I can't imagine what it is
but this is Phil's loss and not mine

and don't bother
returning this call either.

While Charlotte was a woman on
the verge of a nervous breakdown...

...my anxiety-free relationship
was driving me crazy.

Excuse me.

- Sorry it's taking so long.
- That's all right.

I'm gonna have to pass on dinner.
It's getting so late. I've got a deadline.

OK. No problem.

My parents get in tomorrow night.
They'll want to crash.

But I thought you'd meet us
for breakfast the next day.

I've been thinking
about this meeting your parents.

- I just wondered if it's a good idea.
- They gonna love you.

No, I'm not worried about that.
Parents always think I'm adorable.

- What's the problem?
- Well...

What if they love me...
and if we break up

you'll always have to explain to them
what happened to the adorable girl.

- Are you breaking up with me?
- No.

Where I come from,
meeting the parents... Oh, so big!

- You'll meet them some other time.
- OK.

So, I guess we won't be seeing
each other this weekend.

- I'll miss you.
- Maybe that's good.

Maybe we should see each other less
then we can miss each other more.

You're so available to me,
and I'm so available to you.

Maybe we're both too...

...available.

Carrie, it's no big deal.
I have a life.

I'm just making room for you.

You always say the right things.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

This is nuts. I'm sabotaging
the best relationship I've ever had.

It's better to have a man waiting
for you than the other way around.

- I guess.
- And if you hadn't been available,

I'd be here alone,
just some pathetic dateless freak.

So glad it worked out for you.

- Who are you calling?
- I'm not taking this lying down.

Hi. You've reached Amy and Dennis.
Leave it at the beep.

Well, here I am at the opera
which I planned on going to with Phil,

who I guess you've decided
I'm not good enough for.

Charlotte?
It's Dennis.

I'm so sorry.
I just got back from a business trip.

My secretary gave me
all your messages.

I had no idea
you wanted to meet Phil so badly.

Well, he sounded nice.
It's not a big deal.

Why don't I set something up
tomorrow evening? 7:30?

- You know Rudy's, Midtown?
- I love that place.

Phil will meet you there.
I guarantee it.

I'm so silly. I created all that drama
in my head for nothing.

- What are we seeing again?
- "Aida."

- I guess I'm in for another wild ride.
- I'd say we both are.

What would happen
if I tried one of these?

I don't think they've established
that it works for women.

There's no harm in trying is there,
doctor?

Bottoms up!

20 minutes later,

Samantha officially became
the first woman to land on the moon.

- Isn't the opera romantic?
- Even more so with a man.

Well, I did expect to be taking Phil.

It's quite a lovely evening you planned
for a man you've never even met.

He sounded really nice.

- Here.
- Thanks.

You know what, honey,
I'm not feeling well. I'm going home.

- Do you want me to come with you?
- No, I'm fine. Stay, enjoy.

It's all right. I'll call you.

I'll be right back.

I knew it was rude and over-dramatic,

but I felt like I'd just seen
the phantom of the opera.

Yes, ditching Charlotte
was slightly hysterical,

but the idea of sitting across
from Big and Natasha

through the second act of "Aida"
was too emotional to bear.

This time I knew what was wrong.

The shock of seeing Big again
not only made my stomach flip

it sent my spleen leaping
right into my throat.

- Hello.
- It's me. I'm really sorry.

- What's wrong?
- I saw Big tonight at the opera.

- That's why you ditched Charlotte.
- She told you. Was she pissed?

I think she's swearing
off women forever.

- Are you OK?
- Yeah. I'm great actually.

I'm realizing that maybe there is
something to this available man thing.

Yeah. It's kind of nice.
Just separate your whites.

Now I know I wanna be with a man
who wants to be with me.

I've had enough relationship drama
for one lifetime.

Shouldn't you be telling this to Aidan?

It's 3:00 am.
I'll wait until a more civilized hour.

The next morning I waited
until a decent hour to call Aidan

and tell him how much I missed him.

- Furniture Company.
- Hi, it's Carrie calling for Aidan.

- He's not here right now.
- He's not?

- Just tell him I called.
- I'll give him the message.

- Thanks.
- Bye.

When I hadn't heard from him
by that evening

I began to get butterflies
in my stomach.

Hey, I'm not in but Pete is.

Hey. It's Carrie.
Remember me?

The girl you wanted to introduce
to your parents.

I'm just calling to say hey.

Hey.

I was getting a dreaded feeling
that I had played this all wrong.

Suddenly, the idea of losing Aidan
left me short of breath.

Meanwhile, Miranda was trying not
to breathe near Steve's shorts.

What are you doing?

I thought you might need some help
with the wash.

But there's nothing like a twist
in the third act

to spice up even
the most banal scenario.

And while Miranda and Steve
found new life in the familiar,

Charlotte was blindly feeling
her way through the unfamiliar.

Excuse me.
Are you Phil?

Sorry.

- Are you Phil?
- I could be.

- Hi.
- Well, hello.

- Are you here to chaperone?
- Yes, sort of.

What's wrong?
You couldn't trust me alone with Phil?

Charlotte, Phil's not coming...
I never called Phil.

I didn't want you to meet him. You'd
like him and that could be a problem.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm in love with you, Charlotte.

You can't be in love with me -
you're married to my friend.

Things haven't been great with us,
and I can't stop thinking about you.

- This is nuts.
- Don't leave.

You kept your single friends
away from me so you could cheat?

- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- You're such a spark plug. I love that.

I'm not interested
in starting some married man's car.

Wait. Don't leave, please.
I love you!

Charlotte, please. I love you. Wait.

- Taxi!
- What the hell?

Are you all right?

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, thanks.

- Let me help you.
- Thanks.

- I'm Trey.
- Charlotte.

And that's how,
in the most dramatic fashion,

Charlotte met her new leading man.

Well, time to pop
one of those baby blues.

Let's go au naturel this time.

No, I really want one.

- Don't you think it's good without it?
- No, I do not!

Let's save it for those special times.

Give me my pills, goddammit!

Mark realized he had brought too
much intensity to their relationship.

He wrote Samantha a prescription

and she promised
never to call him again.

You have no messages.

After two days
of not hearing from Aidan,

I realized only a dramatic gesture
could salvage things.

- You gonna...
- Hi, how are you?

You're gonna like this.

What's going on?

You asked me to be here,
and I wasn't sure if I could.

Honestly... I mean,
meeting the parents is so...

Then I realized I wanna meet them but
I didn't know if you still wanted me to.

I've called and you haven't called me,
so then I thought I'm just gonna go,

because being in a relationship
means taking a risk... a leap of faith.

No matter how many times one
might have been disappointed before.

I said to myself I'm just gonna show
up... because you're a good man.

A really good man.

- Why haven't you called me back?
- I was just trying to be less available.

Really?

You don't have to do everything I say.

Well, you're here now.
Can I introduce you to my parents?

- Won't they think I'm nuts?
- Probably.

They'll just have to get used to that.

Come on, Nuts.

I realized then, that I had made
my stomach flip all on my own.

And it felt really nice.