Sex and the City (1998–2004): Season 3, Episode 5 - No Ifs, Ands or Butts - full transcript

Carrie is attracted to a furniture maker named Aidan and starts dating but he can't date a smoker. She must decide on Aidan or smoking. Charlotte attempts to coach a bad kisser while Miranda finds difficulty in supporting Steve's pipe dream of making a half court shot at the Knick's game. Samantha begins dating an African-American record executive who has a strong-willed sister who runs a new restaurant.

One reason why people still risk

the possible horror of a first date,

is the possible magic of
the good-night kiss at the front door.

I had a great time.

So did I.

The world slows down for a second

as some people take that hopeful lean
into a possible future together.

All around my mouth.

How do you think I felt?

His tongue licked my teeth.

Did he wanna fuck you or floss you?

Bad kissers are the worst.

The worst. The top of the worst.

He has sweet lips.
I thought he'd be a good kisser.

You can never tell. They look normal.

Until their pointy tongue
darts in and out.

Pointy tongue, the worst of the worst.

The worst is when they expect you

to do the work.

Their tongue lays in your mouth

like a clam.

Clam-mouth. That's the worst.

I'd say, "Get it out, put it in a cab
and take its lazy ass home."

- You'd dump a guy for a bad kiss?
- You have to.

If their tongue just lays there,
what is their dick gonna do?

Point taken.

Maybe we can work on it.

A bad kisser is a non-negotiable.

I'm not dumping Brad because of that.

Then change his name

from Brad to Bad.

I like him. Well, I did until...

Until his tongue
was in your stomach?

Can you ladies hold it down?
This is a respectable restaurant.

Adeena Williams was my newspaper's
former food editor.

And the chef and owner of Fusion,

whose specialty was a mingling
of trendy food with soul food.

Martha Stewart meets
Puff Daddy on a plate.

Poached salmon with okra...


This time next year,
okra will be so fashionable.

We are leaving.
Come and say goodbye.

This is my brother, who brings me
tons of music industry business.

I gotta go, but I'm sending dessert.

- No.
- Pecan and praline pie.


Didn't we meet at the Columbia
Records party for Jennifer Lopez?

I don't think so. My PR firm handled it.
I'm sure I'd have remembered you.

I guess I just saw you.
Chivon Williams, I used to rep for...

Tommy Boy Records.
I remember from the guest list.

- You're good.
- Samantha Jones, if you need me...

for a party.

Ladies, I apologize for interrupting.
Have a pleasant evening.

Could he any be cuter?

Gotta love a fella
who loves jewellery.

That is one fine-Iooking man.
I'd like some of that.

- Don't talk like that.
- Like what?

Relax with the liberal reaction.
That's not black talk. It's sex talk.

First of all, it isn't black talk.
It's African-American talk.

You shouldn't be talking like that.
It's rude and politically incorrect.

Samantha is rude
and politically incorrect.

- She's an equal opportunity offender.
- Precisely.

I don't see color. I see conquests.

Talk about affirmative action.

The next day I had just settled down
with a cup of fresh coffee

and a coffee table
full of fashion magazines, when...

- Who is it?
- Mr Right.

Have you seen
"The New York Times" style section?

I can't handle hard news before noon.

There's a beautiful man downtown,
selling furniture. We're going.

I got a whole afternoon planned
with Australian "Vogue".

I'm not gonna drop everything
to go to see some cute guy.

- He's straight.
- I'll get my purse.

People with nothing better to do
than ogle some craftsman. Pathetic.

Look at this place.
Nothing but baguettes and faggots.

If you see anything you like, say
you're a designer. You get a discount.

- I got $50 off my end table.
- You're a classy guy.

His name was Aidan Shaw.

He was warm, masculine and
classic American. Like his furniture.

The dog is overkill.

- Go get him.
- Excuse me?

He's perfect for you. I'll visit you
and the kids at your cabin up state.

We're staring. Look away.

His name was Marty Mendleson.

He was warm, stylish and classic gay.
Like his outfit.

He's a designer.
And single.

Go get him. I'll come visit you
in your cabin up state.

Hey, doggie. Hi.

Bad doggie. Down.

Pete, there you go.

You should get him a chew toy.

To his credit,
he picks the best-Iooking ladies.

You can't imagine how flattered I am.

- I'm Aidan.
- I'm humiliated.

I shouldn't let him run loose
in the store.

This is your store?
I had no idea.

When I heard the lie come out
of my mouth, I knew I was interested.

- This is a beautiful chair.
- This is my favorite piece.

You say that about every piece, right?

Not really.
This leather is about 100 years old.

I stripped it off
an old railroad car seat. Feel this.

- Soft?
- I'll take it.

I wasn't really in the market
for a leather chair.

But I had to have
whatever it was I just felt.

I'm a designer. Carrie Bradshaw.
Carrie Bradshaw Designs.

Let's see. With the designer discount
and dog humiliation factor...

How's that?

- How soon can it be delivered?
- End of the week.

In New York City retail lingo,
that meant "I like you too".

Where do you want it delivered
and can I take you out for dinner?

Will you knock another $10 off?

The dog humping aside, it was one of
those perfect New York Saturdays.

I'm back!

At Miranda's, Steve was having
an even better Saturday.

- Guess what happened? It's so great!
- What?

You know at the Knicks game,

somebody makes a half-court shot
for a million dollars?

- Kind of, but go ahead.
- Next Tuesday, it's me.

They picked my name from
the contest I entered at Sam Goodies.


It's not great.
A million dollars. It's fucking great.

It is fucking great.

But don't get your hopes up.
It's a tough shot, isn't it?

For other guys,
but they don't have my moves.

The problem is
you don't know how good I am.

Don't let these legs fool you.
I'm great.

I like your little legs.

Let's go to the playground.
I'll show you.

No, please. I believe you.
You've got the moves.

I don't want no charity.
Seeing is believing.

Next week, come to the playground
and watch me shoot. Promise?


- That's Ralph Lauren paint.
- I'll buy you more. I'm a millionaire.

I have a crush.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You haven't had a crush in a while.
Not since Big.

Big wasn't a crush, he was a crash.

His name is Aidan.
And I believe him to be very cute.

So cute, I bought a chair I couldn't
afford just because he made it.

Did he ask you out?

So the chair is a write-off.

I haven't had a crush
since Sean Cassidy.

No way.

At this age I'd have to say
I'm crush-proof.

What about Steve?

I forgot about my boyfriend.
Is that normal?

You're asking me?

Steve thinks he's gonna win
a million dollars.

- You told me.
- I have to repeat it until I believe it.

It's totally illogical
and he wants me to be supportive.

It's a half-court shot.
There are Knicks who can't make it.

I would support a real dream,
like opening his own bar. This is silly.

Isn't that what you couples do,
support each other's silly dreams?

You're asking me?

That week, Chivon invited Samantha
to go uptown

and hear an artist
he was thinking of signing.

Back in the line, motherfucker.

Although Samantha
had been in the club scene for years,

she'd never been asked to spread
without being offered a cocktail.

This is DJ Oldman.

In a matter of minutes, Samantha
felt at home in Chivon's world.

Hi, guys. I'm Samantha.

In a matter of hours, Chivon was
at home in Samantha's home.

Do you like this groove?
It's the new kid.

It's so soft.
I thought all rap had a harder edge.

They can be hard or soft, like you.

You have so much attitude up front.

Look at you now. Soft, sweet...

Sweet, me?

Who do you think you're fooling?

I don't usually sleep with men
who have nicer accessories than me.

Where did you get
these fabulous earrings?


Where else?

I hope you can sleep in a little.


Samantha rarely asked a man
to stay over,

but she couldn't resist
having breakfast with his Tiffanies.

One reason some people still risk
the possible horror of a first date,

is the possible magic of
the good-night kiss at the front door.

My dog is obsessed with you.

He kept me up talking all night.
"Her leg, man."

I had to say,
"Pete, let her go. It's over."

I have a confession to make...

I'm not a designer. I'm a writer.

What was that?

I wanted the discount.
It's shameful, but true.

But don't worry,
I only lie about furniture, nothing else.

Are you upset?

You smoke?

Just a little.

When the lie came out of my mouth,
I realised how much I liked him.

If it bothers you, I'll just...

I had a great time.

- I can taste that cigarette.
- I'm sorry, I have an Altoid.

I think you're...

I totally get it. I have a mint here.
They are curiously strong.

- Can you just hold that?
- Sure.

I don't wanna be a jerk,
but I can't date a smoker.

So... Really?

It's a thing I have.

I couldn't believe what my crush
was saying. I was crushed.

Later that night, I wondered...

When did dating become
so dump-friendly?

What happened to the time
when a bad kiss or a cigarette

or a ridiculous dream
was part of a person's portfolio?

In today's dating market,
is it wise to liquidate certain stocks,

the first sign they might not perform
as well as expected?

Or are there things
one should try and negotiate?

In relationships,
what are the "deal breakers"?

I think it's really sexy when you
lightly touch your lips to mine.

Never one to trade a stock
before it had matured,

a determined and patient Charlotte
tried to teach Bad how to kiss good.

You like that?

And I like it when you
slowly open your mouth...

and just tickle my lips
with the tip of your tongue.

You like that?

With just a little negotiating,
Brad's stock suddenly began to rise.

Stop it!

You're sucking too hard.
And my mouth is up here.

- Is there a problem?
- I can't do this. You're a bad kisser.

It's my thing.

Where are you going?

Downtown at Marty Mendleson's,

others were experiencing
a much more successful first kiss.

Let's move it to the bedroom.

These are my dolls.
I've been collecting them for years.

I had no idea.

This... is the Queen of Siam.

She's my favorite.

Bisque china face.
She's a real collector's item.

And this... is Mary, Queen of Scots.

- Are they all queens?
- The ones from Madame Alexander's.

Help me clear the bed?

No, the Southern Belle
sits on the table.

Was Stanford enough of a queen to
sleep with one who collected queens?

Uptown at Fusion, Samantha felt
a bit like a queen herself.

Did I tell you
how beautiful you look tonight?

Thank you.

What's up, genius?

Genius' over-tired ass
is dragging all over this restaurant.

Aunt Alice and her friends are leaving,
if you want to pay your respects.

Favorite aunt. I'll introduce you.

Aunt Alice is out of the door already.
You go and I'll talk with Samantha.

How is everything?

Chivon is right, you are a genius.

Thank you.

A non-food related question. What's
going on between you and Chivon?

- What do you mean?
- You've been in here three times.

Well, we're dating. Why?

You're not just fucking?

Not that's any of your business,
but no, we're not just fucking.

We actually really like each other.

I don't want you seeing my brother.

- Excuse me?
- I don't approve.

- You don't know me...
- Let's not get personal.

I'm sure you're a nice person,
but you're white.

I have a problem with my brother
getting serious with a white woman.

To Adeena, Samantha's skin
was a non-negotiable.

- How can you say that?
- That's how I feel.

I'm never going to approve and my
approval means a lot to my brother.

Just save us the time and trouble
and get out before anybody gets hurt.

I'll send over some
Mississippi mud pie.

The only place Adeena was interested
in fusion was on a plate.

- She can't dis me just cos I'm white.
- Please tell me you didn't say dis.

Maybe you should stop seeing him.
Race is a big issue.

There is no reason
to bring race into this.

Chivon is a sweet man.
We have great sex.

He happens to have the biggest...

Black cock.
We know he has a big black cock.

I was about to say the biggest heart.

But, yes, he does have
a big black cock.

It's big African-American cock.

- Don't make fun of me. My chin hurts.
- What happened?

He raped my face.
I'm never seeing him again.

To Charlotte, a black and blue chin
was a deal breaker.

I'm not backing down to her.
That's not who I am.

She shouldn't sacrifice who she is
because somebody has a problem.

Like me and smoking.
Too bad Aidan had a problem with it.

But you have to accept people
for who they are.

- You choose cigarettes over a guy?
- He's not that cute.

You bought furniture, he was so cute.

For him to dump me
over a little thing like smoking.

Smoking is not a little thing.
It's dirty and you're killing yourself.

We hate it. We put up with it cos we
love you. You have a reason to quit.

- I don't like being ganged up on.
- Who's ganging up on you?

Smoking is a part of who I am.

I'll quit when I want to,
not cos a cute guy told me to.

- Right, Samantha?
- No.

Fighting for Chivon is one thing.
Holding on to cigarettes is just wack.

Tell me she didn't say "wack".

It's all total bullshit.

What is wrong with cigarettes?

Nothing, they're fabulous.

It's not like you have
a hideous doll-collection.

You think that's an overreaction
to a repressed childhood?

Who cares? It's freaky.

I could overlook his receding hair.
But the dollies? No.

So, it's "Goodbye, Dolly"?

It's too bad. I kind of liked him.

Well, Stannie, if I may call you that.
Maybe you should reconsider?

When was the last time someone
you had a crush on asked you out?

You're no one to talk,
Miss Marlboro Lights.

You're right. I am no one to talk.

Maybe I could quit, just a little.
Till I see what's up.

- Et tu?
- Fine.

I can't see myself getting excited

because my boyfriend's three-foot
Lady Di doll is arriving from QVC.

Let's go.
Time to go shoot hoops.

- I can't. I got behind on this file.
- No, you don't. You promised.

This has to be ready Monday. I don't
have time to watch you shoot hoops.

I ask you to do one thing for me
and you can't. What is that?

What's with the attitude?

You know how many times
I do what you want?

Why are you getting so upset?
It's just a stupid shot.

Not to me it's not.

Why are you always pessimistic?
"You can't make that shot."

Steve, come on.

It's not just the shot. It's everything.
"We can't move in together."

If this is ever gonna work,
I need you to believe in us.

I need you to believe in me,
even if you think it's fucking stupid.

All right, hot shot.
Show me what you got.

Nice legs! Very nice!

This is for the big money!

Steve never did win the big money
at Madison Square Garden.

But having Miranda show up,
made him feel like a million bucks.

You were robbed!

- Do over!
- OK.

- Don't get any ideas.
- Pete. Let's go.

This isn't fair.
He was just starting to get over you.

Since you negotiated
such a good price for me on the chair,

maybe I can negotiate a little deal
for you on the smoking.

What kind of deal?

I've been thinking
about quitting anyway. Why not now?

No cigarettes.

Can you do that?

Maybe you think
I'm more of a smoker than I am.

I only have like a cigarette
with cocktails.

I'm done here.
Do you wanna get some coffee?

The second he said coffee,
I knew I wanted a cigarette.

I'd love it.

It was one of those dates
when you have so much to say

that coffee turns into a movie,
a movie into a long walk

and a long walk turns into
the beginning of cold turkey rehab.

Would you like to eat some dinner?

I was completely ready
to trade in my crush...


...when it dawned on me how much
I was willing to give up for a cigarette.

Maybe a quick bite.

Her name is Sheeba.
She's French.

back in the "Valley of the Dolls",

Stanford thought there was something
more rare than a porcelain face...

his passion.

Wait, the dolls.

To Marty Mendleson,
a broken face was a deal breaker.


Samantha was about to come
face to face with her deal breaker.

- What's up?
- You tell me. I just got here.

You know Samantha.

What's my favorite girl drinking?

- Champagne.
- Marguerita.

Coming right up.

What are you doing here?
I don't want you dating my brother.

I'm a lovely person.
Get to know me, then hate me.

This is not a game.
This is my brother we're talking about.

For a woman with such
a progressive view of world food...

- That's business, this is family.
- I don't understand...

I'll say it to you plain. I don't care
how many Jennifer Lopez dresses

you have hanging in your closet,
you don't belong in here.

You'll never understand what I'm
talking about. This is a black thing.

Please go
and leave my brother alone.

As Samantha turned to leave,
she realised this wasn't a black thing.

It was a Samantha thing.

She'd never backed down to a bitch
and she wasn't about to start.

No woman, no matter what color,
has the right to tell me who I fuck.

Get your little white pussy
away from my brother!

Get your big, black ass
out of my face!

And your okra wasn't all that!

Get off me!

Keep it real.

I'm trying to keep it real.

Seven hours into the world's
longest date, all I could think was,

"Five more minutes and I can smoke
the cigarette hidden in my purse."

- Would you like a dessert menu?
- I'll take a look.

I forgot, I have a deadline.
I have to go.

- I'll walk with you.
- No!

Stay and enjoy your dessert.
I'm fine.

We've got a little problem.

What can I say?
Adeena has always been there for me.

Ever since Mom died,
it's only been the two of us.

Adeena has her issues,
but you didn't have to insult her food.

You mean the world to me.

But Adeena, she's my blood.

Samantha knew the real problem
wasn't her white pussy.

It was that Chivon was a black pussy
who wouldn't stand up to his sister.

And for Samantha Jones,
that was the deal breaker.

It was too bad we had to end.
But that's the way it goes, I guess.

We had some good times together
and I'm sure we could have had more.

But, it's over.

In the end, I really did it for me.
I just hope he's worth it.