Sex and the City (1998–2004): Season 3, Episode 13 - Escape from New York - full transcript

Charlotte is getting sexually desperate after a 'dry' honeymoon in the Bermudas, so she literally measures Trey's nocturnal erection. Meanwhile Carrie, whose column got the interest of a ...

New York City - dreary, grey, miserable.

Or was that just me?

After a sordid affair with my ex-boyfriend,

and a break-up with my current one,

it was time for a change of scenery.

And I wasn't alone.

You're going to LA without me?!

You went on your honeymoon without us.

I have pictures.

While we planned our escape,

Charlotte celebrated her return.

She and Trey had returned from Bermuda.

Here, Trey and I are playing golf.

Do you think the studio
will send a limo to pick us up?

- No, I do not.
- They're making your column into a movie.

It's a little company that's just
talking about optioning my columns.

I know. I was just practising my LA spin.

Look, here's one of Trey pretending
to get a hole in one. He loved that gag.

Who wouldn't?

Did you notice
we're both wearing Bermuda shorts?

Bermudas in Bermuda.
You kids were crazy down there!

I'd love to stay,
but I gotta take my cat to the kennel.

- Lovely.
- I gotta go too.

- The car's picking us up at one.
- We'll be there.

Welcome back, you old married lady.

- Bye. Have fun.
- All right.

- How are you?
- Good. How are you?


I told Aidan about the affair.
He broke up with me.

- We never had sex on our honeymoon.
- You win.

Shall we get more coffee
or shall we get guns and kill ourselves?

He couldn't get it up.

We tried twice. It was so frustrating,
we started playing golf.

After many days on the golf course,
Charlotte's handicap had gone down twelve.

Trey's handicap had stayed the same.

- Well, impotence is a common problem.
- Oh, God.

Do you think he's impotent?


My husband can't be impotent.
He's gorgeous.

All right then. Glad you solved that.

Maybe he was nervous about the wedding,
the honeymoon and the golf.

- He played really badly one day.
- What do you want me to say?

- Let's change the subject.
- Right.

- What happened with Aidan?
- Nothing good.

I only agreed to this trip to get
away from Aidan and the whole mess.

Let's go to Barneys. I can't go to
Los Angeles without another pair of shoes.

No. You go, I'm gonna stay
and have another cup.

- Just go. Have fun.
- All right.

- Call me if you need me.
- OK.

Later that day, three single New Yorkers
arrived in the City of Angels.

I so needed this vacation.

- You and me both, sister.
- Hooray for Hollywood!

That's his job?
To sit in a fake fish tank in underwear?

- What do you think he's reading?
- The wanted ads?

- There's a problem.
- Words I'm never fond of hearing.

I have reservations for Ms Jones
and Ms Bradshaw, but not Ms Hobbes.

- That's just great.
- There should be three reservations.

The production company requested
two rooms, and we're booked up.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

She's from New York.

I understand.
I'll have another room tomorrow.

Until then, could you stay
with one of your friends?

- I'll stay with her.
- Don't complain about my smoking.

They didn't request smoking rooms.

- Excuse me?
- You're on a non-smoking floor.

Words I'm even less fond of hearing.

Later, decked out
in our "New York goes to LA" finest,

we were ready for a night on the town.

- OK, I'm ready.
- Let's go.

Back in the hotel bar, we realised

the three hour time difference also
made us three hours late for cocktail hour.

- Welcome to LA. I'm Garth.
- How did you know I was from out of town?

If you lived here,
we would have met by now.

What do you do when you're not
a one-man welcome wagon?

- I'm a dildo model.
- You wouldn't tease a girl, would you?

I'm the number two model in the US.
Number one in Canada.

- My dick's bigger in Canada.
- You gotta love that metric system.

I gotta run.

A dildo emergency?

You think I'm yanking your chain,
but I'm not.

We're having a promotional party
at Hustler Store,

celebrating the launch
of a new line of toys and accessories.

Here's an invitation. Come.

I always do.

As Samantha said goodbye to Mr Dildo,

Miranda said hello to Mr Dique.
Mr Jason Dique.

It's spelled D-l-Q-U-E.
And yes, I've thought about changing it.

It would be worse
if your first name was Little.

What do you do?

- I'm a lawyer.
- I thought I had it bad.

- No.
- No, it's great. You look like a lawyer.

You look like a dick.

It is so great
to talk to a smart and funny woman.

What was I saying?

- It's great to talk to a smart woman.
- Yeah.

Could you excuse me for a second?

Across the bar, I was having drinks with
the most feared creature in Los Angeles -

the junior development executive.

I love your columns.
They're so relatable.

- Thanks. I try.
- It's like I'm you.

I will be when I turn 30.

You! You are such a loser.
You're a loser.

You are. Loser.

I'm kidding.

What a loser. Last year,
he pitched me nothing but shit 24-7.

- That's a lot of shit.
- No shit.

Seriously, I am you.

You've had your heart broken,
I've had my heart broken.

If I have,
that means other girls have.

If other girls have,
that means big opening weekend.

Not X-Men big, but chick flick big.

The guy who came up with that term
should have his balls cut off.

- Isn't that a little severe?
- Do I sound like an asshole? I hope not.

- I love your shoes.
- Oh, thanks.

Big news.
I have a star interested. Guess who.

- Drew Barrymore?
- No. Guess.

- I'm not good with celebrity names.
- Guess.

- That Jennifer Love Something girl?
- No. Guess.

I'm done guessing.

Matthew McConaughey.

- Why would he wanna be involved?
- Because he's smart.

He's a producer as well,
and he took to the material.

We're meeting him tomorrow at 3:00.

Hot, hotty, hot.
What do you think?

Back in New York, Charlotte was dealing
with a bed that was still cold, coldy, cold.

- Trey, come to bed. It's late.
- In a minute.

I won't sleep until I've entered
all these wedding gifts.

Sleep was the last thing Charlotte hoped
Trey would do in bed that night.

I've listed the gifts,
who it's from, and the addresses.

Make it a breeze when you
send out the thank-you notes.

I can't wait till this wedding nonsense
is behind us.

Then we can relax
and just be a regular man and wife.


The Jamesons for the crystal candlesticks,
and the Sullivans for the silver...

Hello there.

You know, since we've been home,

I've been feeling so much more relaxed.
Haven't you?

You've deleted Mr and Mrs Evan Handy
and their Steuben glass bowl. Hang on.


We have a problem.

I know.

Somehow we've got two serving platters.
We only registered for one.

Charlotte walked back
to her big Park Avenue bed,

wishing she had remembered
to register for her sex life.

When visiting LA,
there are two things you must do -

one is rent a fabulous car,

two is learn how to drive it.

- You said you knew how to drive a stick.
- I did a few times in a parking lot.

Why didn't you get an automatic?

I love this car.
It goes with my outfit.

I believed that cars are to Los Angeles
what handbags are to New York.

What's with this hill?
A way is supposed to be flat.

- They mean culturally.
- The hotel's there.

To get there
we have to go up this hill.

That's enough. Stop.

I'm not going to die in this tin can.
I have a date with a dildo.

- I'm sorry.
- All right. Come on, we're gonna do it.

Yeah, baby.

A little later,
freshly showered and freaked out,

I drove to the studio for my meeting
with Matthew McConaughey.

- Can I help you?
- Building five?

There aren't any hills in there, are there?

- Go down there, make a left.
- Thank you.

I do. I like all of it.
Your writing is brilliant.

I really do.
It's sharp, edgy, brutal at times.

It's always a little juicy.
It's very New York.

I do like it. I really do.

My God. Thank you,
Matthew McConaughey.

You're welcome,
Carrie Bradshaw.

Here's what I've been thinking about -

how do we get your column
to translate to the silver screen?

I think I've got the answer.

What if we flesh out
the central relationship?

- OK. The central relationship.
- Carrie and Mr Big.

I don't see why they couldn't make it work.

I couldn't believe it.
I flew 3,000 miles

to have Matthew McConaughey ask
what I've been asking myself for years?

Look at him.
He is such a great guy.

I don't know anybody
any cooler than Mr Big.

The only question is,
"What the fuck is Carrie's problem?"

What do you think?

I don't particularly think

it was just her problem.

He had some commitment issues.

That's bullshit, Carrie, and you know it.


Kidding. I'm acting.

That's what I do.
See what I mean?

That's why I wanna develop
the story with you.

I'm Mr Big.

Oh, OK.
Well. Yeah. That's...

Excellent. You're in.
You know what else?

I really wanna fuck you, baby.

- Are you acting now?
- I'm Big, OK? You be Carrie.

- I am Carrie.
- We're animals.

Man, woman, walking the earth.
We're made of head, heart and loins.

We're talking about using them, am I right?

I have...

The girl said that we would
talk about the columns today.

Let's get down to the underbelly
of these two characters.

Let's figure out why they're so fucked up.

Well, I have a facial at four.

I love you. I don't understand
why we can't be together.

- Do you mind if I smoke?
- I don't think you should.

- What?
- I don't think Carrie should smoke.

That's all right.

Or in my office. OK?

After I left the meeting
I took a wrong turn

and somehow found myself
right back where I had started -

back in New York,
back wondering about Big.

I had come to LA for a vacation,

hoping to get away from Big, Aidan,
and most of all myself.

Sitting on the fake set,
all my issues felt more real than ever.

I couldn't help but wonder -
no matter how far you travel or run from it,

can you ever really escape your past?

Ma'am? No smoking.

I'm outside.

And it's New York.

In New York, the release of a new book
is cause for celebration.

Here in LA, a new line
of sex toys will do the trick.

- Isn't this fun?
- The answer would be no.

- We want to go.
- What? We can't leave yet.

- They haven't cut the cock.
- What are the chances it's cream filled?

I am exhausted
from McConaughey mania.

I wanna get in the bed, go to sleep
and pretend this day never happened.

Stay a little longer. Garth is gonna
autograph some dildos. He's a big seller.

- He's the John Grisham of penises.
- I'm gonna get in line.

I can't believe how open
and "Hi. Have sex" this place is.

In New York
sex is bottom shelf, paper bag.

Exactly. It's all hidden, like me.

- What do you mean?
- Last night I talked to this cute guy.

We were having a great time.
Then a woman in a tight dress walked by,

with big breasts -
just boom, here they are.

- He totally went for it.
- Right.

I wanted to have sex too, but it was hidden
in my witty banter and my little looks.

- She put it out there and got the guy.
- But how long did she have him?

Who cares?
I wanna get laid.

I admire women who can put it out there
where you can see it.

Like her.

- You want to dress like her?
- You know what I mean.

Do you think there's any chance
she's not up for sex?

No, because she's a hooker.

- Hi. Have we met?
- No.

I was telling my friend
how much I admire what you're wearing.

Thank you.

- Are you in the porn industry?
- God, no. I'm a lawyer for Disney.


- There you go. Enjoy.
- Thank you so much.

You made it.

My opinion of Canadian consumers
just went up a notch.

Sign it, please.

- How shall I sign it?
- I don't know.

To Samantha,
who's staying at the standard room 324.

- Perfect. I'll deliver it personally.
- You're too kind.

That night,
Samantha took home the Deluxe Garth.

Next door, I learned
that not only could I not escape my past,

I couldn't escape my present.

What is it about California air?
It makes me sleep so well.

It's not the air. Your headboard
knocked you unconscious.

- You heard us?
- I didn't.

- No, Ms Snore, you wouldn't.
- Are you OK?

I'm cranky. I have another meeting
with McConaughey and his partners.

We're gonna brainstorm what goes wrong
with "Carrie" and the relationships.

Don't go.

I have to.
I'm their little writer monkey.

I've got something to make you feel better.

Dildos before 10:00 am. I'm all perked up.

They're autographed.
One for each.

My friend went to California,
and all I got was this lousy dildo.

Could you put these back?
People are staring.

It's LA. No one cares
if your egg whites have a sight of cock.

Wow! Nobody needs this much.

The average woman
is only five inches deep.

Is that written on your placemat?

- The mark of a fine penis is width.
- Couldn't agree more.

That's why you'll enjoy your presents.

Are you saying
that Garth has the perfect girth?


As much as I enjoy
the fine life-like craftsmanship,

I'm going to leave mine with you.

I'm holding on to mine. LA isn't
working out the way I had hoped.

Meanwhile, back in New York
and still no closer to being in-put by Trey,

Charlotte addressed thank you notes.

Every time she licked a love stamp,
she felt it made a mockery of her marriage.

It's me. It's been days and still nothing.
What if he really is impotent?

What kind of impotence do you think it is?

- The kind that makes it soft.
- No, no. Physical or emotional?

- I don't know.
- Have you asked him about it?

He's embarrassed.
He doesn't want to talk about it.

Here's how you find out: put a ring of paper
around his flaccid penis while he's asleep.

- I sound like a perverted Nancy Drew.
- What does that do?

If it rips during the night, he is capable of
an erection. The problem is not physical.

- This floor is non-smoking.
- I have an addiction, sir.

- A ring of paper.
- Yup.

Later that night, Samantha invited Mr Dildo
out for dim sum, and then some.

Samantha, tell me more about yourself.
What are your interests?

- That's pretty obvious.
- I'm serious.

Don't you wanna know
more about me, my interests?

- OK.
- I'm a poet.

I've been published in journals...

Garth wanted Samantha to know
that he was more than just a sex toy.

He had a soft side.

Do you want to hear one?

Far away, Charlotte was dealing
with Trey's soft side as well.

She was going to get some answers.

She came to bed armed with love.

She went to sleep
hoping her male had sufficient postage

to deliver his package into her box.

Back at the hotel, Samantha
was waiting for a delivery of her own.

Once again, the leaves bloomed forth
Some headed south, some headed north

That's beautiful.
Come here.

Blue as a baby bird

Winged and aloft
My eyes search your eyes

For something I've lost

Samantha, I was thinking.

- You were?
- We have this great connection.

And I've done LA.
How about I move to New York?

I could pursue my two passions,
poetry and porn.

- I...
- Wouldn't it be great?

We could keep seeing each other.

Having a fling in LA is one thing,

but introducing Mr Dildo to everyone
at a gala at the Met was quite another.

I don't think it would work. I know me.

I'm much too possessive a woman
to share your penis with the world.

Just like that,
Samantha escaped a life as Mrs Dildo.

She moved Garth
out of her present and into her past.

But she took the best part of him with her.

I had finally found a place
to escape Miranda's snoring.

The ghosts of my relationships past
weren't so easy to shake.

I hadn't really moved on from Big
and Aidan. I'd just moved.

Excuse me.

I'll put it out, OK?

No, I was wondering if I could borrow one.

Sorry, it was my last one.

Do you want some company?

- Are you sure you wanna be alone?
- I am.

As soon as I said it out loud,
I knew that that was what I wanted...

...and needed.

The next day Charlotte woke up as excited
as a little girl on Christmas morning.

She couldn't wait to see
if Trey's package was unwrapped.

Morning, morning, morning.

Good morning.
What are you so excited about?

Nothing. I just love you.

I love you too.

For the first time in weeks,
Charlotte felt relieved.

Trey's problem wasn't physical.
Then she realised,

if it wasn't physical, she couldn't escape
the fact that it might be emotional.

There was no easy
love stamp solution to fix that.

I am totally digging this scene.

It's so urban cowboy circa 1982.

All the fabulous places in LA and we're
at the Saddle Ranch Chop House?

Don't complain, it's the closest bar
without a hill involved.

This is what I'm talking about.
Look at her.

She screams sex. It's so honest.

- I wish I could be more like that.
- Stop complaining. Do something about it.

OK, which lovely lady is gonna be next?

- I will.
- Miranda, no.

- She will.
- No.

Hold on.

We weren't sure if it was the California
climate or the five beers she drank,

but as soon as she got on that bull,
Miranda escaped Miranda.

Wow, I can see
she really did need a vacation.

The next day,
as I pulled up to the studio, I realised,

I was the one who held the key
to my escape.

I could drive in and have someone tell me
the mistakes I'd made in my past,

or I could drive on
and figure them out myself.

That's what I did.

If I could master a stick shift,

could a successful relationship
be that far behind?