Sex and the City (1998–2004): Season 3, Episode 1 - Where There's Smoke... - full transcript

The Manhattan quartet takes the ferry to Staten Island when Carrie is on the jury for the New York Fire Department's annual male calendar finalists selection, together with a politician who's rather interested in her. Sam gets the hottest fireman in her opinion in her bed, but her fantasy of doing it in the fire station proves less romantic then she hoped. Charlotte's next dream prince suddenly turns out too macho. Miranda insists on proving her independence by refusing the practical assistance Steve volunteers when she's scheduled for laser eye-surgery.

New York city. Home to one million
exciting, eligible, single men...

and four cold and slightly cranky
single women.

Well, this is good. We're actually
crossing water to meet men.

Reminder, I am not going
to Staten lsland to meet men.

I am going to judge them.

One of the perk's of being a minor
New York celebrity

is that you get invited to major events.

Like the fire department of New York's

annual calendar competition.

This it's an awfully long way to go to watch

some firemen take their shirts off.

I'm on the fuckin' ferry.
I better see more than just packs.

I'm freezing!

I don't understand

why they couldn't hold the competition

in a bar in Manhattan.

They have firemen

on the Upper East side too.

And they only put out top-notch fires.

Look at how small it looks.

Who would have thought
an island that tiny

would be big enough
to hold all our old boyfriends.

He loves to cook
and can whip up a great baked ziti.

He's from engine 275, ladder 133,

way out there in Queens.

- Is he hot?
- He's a six.

on a scale of how many?

His name was Bill Kelley.
He was a divorced politician,

campaigning for New York city

And the token male judge.

- Watch the firemen.
- I'm more into cops.

He's a dancer and married.
sorry, ladies.

His wife Maria said he's a good guy
but he works too hard.

Work that belly!

Ladies, over here.

oK, they don't make cosmopolitans,
it's a staten lsland iced tea.

- Is that like a Long lsland iced tea?
- I think so.

Hello, I'm drunk.

Do we have to be this close?
It's embarrassing.

- You gotta be in it to win it.
- I'm moving back.

I can't see the cute firemen
from back there without my glasses.

Why do you even care?
You have Steve.

I do not have Steve. There is no
having of the Steve, we're just friends.

We're just friends.
I don't put my dick in you.

Another one of these
and I might let you.

There are no datable men here.

What was your first clue? The plether
jackets or smell of "Hai Karate"?

Ladies, this is Ricky Fantucchi.
He's a capricorn.

His uncles are firefighters.

Yes, ladies,
that's a cheetah on his arm.

Ricky represents engine 53
in Lower Manhattan.

I'd like to show him
my Lower Manhattan.

- Look at his arms, they're huge.
- You know what they say.

Big arms...big arms.

Hello, 911. I'm on fire.

After the contest,
I began to realize that staten lsland

was like a quaint European country.

The American music
was 20 years behind

and you could smoke
wherever you wanted.

Hi. You know if those shirts are for sale?
I'd like to get one for my nephew.

Yeah, you could buy'em.
But I don't know if you can buy them here or not.

I got this one at work, but I'm sure you
could buy 'em at other places.

- I've seen them in those shops...
- Samantha.

- Ricky, how are you doing?
- Good. How are you doing?

- I saw you up there.
- I saw you too.

- You looked fantastic.
- Yeah?

I never did anything like that.
My sisters said, "Do it, Ricky".

And I said,
"l never did anything like that before".

You did it very well.

- I wonder what month you'll be.
- Maybe october.

- My birthday is in october.
- I bet July, or any month that's hot.

Two songs later, it was time for this
dancing queen to take a breather.

Hello. Can I bum a smoke?

- sure.
- Thanks.

There you go.

- That's good. I quit three years ago.
- How's that working out for you?

- Good. I allow myself one a week.
- You live right on the edge, don't you?

- can I buy you a beer?
- No, I got it.

It's on me.
For helping me out during the contest.

sure. And by the way,
you have the worst taste in men...

- No way.

You gave that guy from Midtown a 7.

I like a firefighter with love handles
to hold on to

when escaping a burning building.

- You got a point there.
- But you were tough.

And what's with the half-points?
6.5, 8.5?

What can I say?
sometimes a girl needs a half.

so, which district do you vote in?

Whichever one is near Barneys.

You've never voted
in New York city?

You're correct, Mr. President.

What's your address?
Official government purposes.

- I can tell you your district.
- Officially?

It's 245 East 73rd street.

District 23. Same as mine.
I'm at Madison and 82nd.

Fancy. I thought all honest politicians
lived in samll studios

and ate beans out of a can.

I'm not a fan of beans.

Can I get your phone number?
Government purposes only.

I'm just here with my friends
having a good time.

- I'm not into dating right now.
- What, bad break-up?

That was a long silence.

Actually, it was a silence and a half.

Have dinner with me.

Would it help if I took my shirt off?

Time to go.
Politician's hitting on me.

- And is that a bad thing?
- He's just way too "I,m the guy".

Are you sure? He's pretty cute.

I don't want to have to tell you this.
I saw him give someone a thumbs up.

We're out of here. Samantha
went home with that firefighter.

- Toot toot, beep beep.
- And Charlotte's around somewhere.

- How many cocktails did she have?
- A couple, why?

And so, three girls headed home,

taking only fond memories of staten
lsland and its infamous iced teas.

Honey, close up, it's cold.

- Are you gonna help?
- I held her head in the taxi.

You're so nice, Carrie.

- I'm nice too, aren't l?
- Yes, you're nice.

I'm nice...

I'm pretty and I'm smart.
I'm a catch.

Yes, you're a catch.

I hate you.

You knowwhat? I'm gonna meet
the perfect guy and get married.

Yes, you're getting married.

Did you hear that New York?
I'm getting married this year.

I'm getting married and here I come!

If she falls over
I will never stop laughing.

I wasn't quite sure
if it was the ice teas

or the staten lsland dating pool
that broke the camel's back.

But something set Charlotte on fire.

And uptown on dry land, Samantha
and Mr. July had their own fire going.

You're so big and strong.

I believe the official fire department
count is "a four alarmer".

The next morning at breakfast,
Miranda and I wanted poached eggs,

Samantha wanted to give us
the juicy details

and Charlotte wanted to keep
her head from exploding

all over her burberry raincoat.

I'm telling you, i don't think
a guy has ever gotten me that wet.

- Pass the salt. - Milk ?
- Let me tell you about his cock.

Will you be quiet? The people
at the next table have a child.

- That's their choice.
- Little Miss Hangover's right.

can we spare the cock talk
till cocktail time?

I wanted you to know my fireman was
every bit the fantasy I had in mind.

New York's finest.

- That's cops.
- Whatever.

I think it's wrong to sleep with a man
just to fulfill a certain fantasy.

All the men we sleep with
fulfill a certain fantasy.

or nightmare.

You fantasize of a man with a Park Avenue
apartment and a nice big stock portfolio.

For me, it's a fireman with a big hose.

Why are firemen so fuckin' cute?

Even when they're not that cute...
they're still cute.

First, there's a weight limit.
second, it's the hero thing.

- You see him on that truck...
- That truck is hot.

...hurrying to save someone trapped.

They've got that
"I'm a good guy" look in their eyes.

It's because women really
just want to be rescued.

There it was, the sentence
independent single women in their thirties

are never supposed to think,
let alone say out loud.

It's true. I've been dating since I was
15, I'm exhausted. Where is he?

- Who? The white knight?
- That only happens in fairytales.

My hair hurts.

Did you ever think
that maybe we're the white knights

and we're the ones
that have to save ourselves?

- That is so depressing.
- Is it?

Later that day I got to thinking
about fairytales.

What if Prince Charming
had never showed up?

Would Snowwhite have slept
in that glass coffin forever?

or would she have eventually woken
up, spit out the apple, gotten a job,

a healthcare package and a baby
from her local neighbourhoud sperm bank?

I couldn't help but wonder. Inside
every confident driven, single woman

is there a delicate, fragile princess
just waiting to be saved?

Was Charlotte right?

Do women just wanna be rescued?

And after your laser surgery
on saturday

you'll need a significant other
or a friend to help get you home.

sign here.

While for some women the idea
of rescue was a life raft,

for Miranda it was an insult.

I don't need anybody to help me.
I'll be fine.

You'll be sedated
and your vision will be blurred.

You will need someone
to get you home and to bed.

Then take two sleeping pills,
sleep for 12 hours.

Wake up and you'll be able
to see perfectly.

I can't believe I'm gonna wake up
and see clearly

without glasses or contacts
for the first time.

BelieVe it.

They slit your eyeball open
and flip up the top.

- Gross.
- It just flips right up. Flip, my eye.

- oK, stop.
- This little blade cuts it. Just...

...Iike the top of a grape.

It sounds pretty bad.

You want me to come down
and hold your hand?

I'm fine. I do not need anyone
to hold my hand.

I'm not saying you need anyone.

I'd just like to be there.
To help you, whatever.

You'll need help getting home.

Yeah, I'm gonna ask Carrie.

Why do you have to ask Carrie
when I'm offering?

Because, you know,
Carrie is my friend.

- oK, and what am l?
- We haven't established that yet.

- Are you coming up?
- We haven't established that yet.

What are we doing here?
I mean, are we...

Steve, after they flip the eye up,
these jets...

And over on the East side
at a more Charlotte-friendly bar,

the ice tea princess began her quest
for a white knight.

oh, my God. He's so cute.
cute, right?

very cute.
And I'm a professional.

I have to meet him.
How am I gonna meet him?

We got here ten minutes ago.
Pace yourself.

Hey beautiful. I'm J.J.
can I buy those sweet lips a drink?

I'm sorry. We were just leaving.

Charlotte was a firm believer
in the laws of dating feng shui.

change location, change luck.

Why is it always a guy like that?
Is it me?

No, it's not you.
Into every life a little J.J. must fall.

I just want a nice, sweet,
handsome, funny, great guy,

who doesn't say things
like sweet lips.

Is that too much to ask?

Hey, you didn't leave.
You're just over here now.

- Let me buy you a drink.
- I'm not interested.

one drink.
I'll even buy blondie here one.

- one little drink.
- Excuse me. she's not interested.

Am I talking to you?
No. come on...

- You're not listening. The lady said...
- Hey, fuck you.

- I'm sorry about that.
- Did you hurt your hand?


His name was Arthur.

He was a nice, sweet, handsome,
great investment banker

who lived between Madison and Fifth.

so, maybe there
really were white knights.

The day after Charlotte met her knight,
I met my credit card limit.

With no man in sight,
I decided to rescue my ankles

from a life of boredom

by purchasing too many pairs
of Jimmy choo shoes.

Hello, my name is Bill Kelley and
I'm gonna be your city comptroller.

- You're not seriously here.
- I assure you I am.

I brought some voter registration
forms. I filled out your name.

Under occupation I put heartbreaker.
I really did. Look.

You're like a Jehovah's Witness
with a good suit.

- How long have you been here?
- Your number is not listed.

- What did you buy?
- shoes.

Let me see.
sit down and show me.

- God, you are...
- I know.

I'm not showing you a shoe.


- Hey, I need a favor.
- You do?

It's for the city of New York.
I really am one of the good guys.

I'm carrying all the boroughs
but I need help with staten lsland.

- You want one?
- No, I had one on Thursday.

Here's the thing.
I gotta go back out there

to do a schmooze
at the capri restaurant

on sunday night
and I want you to go with me.

- And why is that?
- Because they have great ltalian.

And also, for the record...
I can't stop thinking about you.

I'll pick you up at 7.:00.

- No.
- Don't answer now. Think about it.

I'll drive by at 7.:00. I'll wait in the car.
If you come, you come.

If you don't, no pressure.
Wear the shoes.

These. pass them.

That saturday, when I was unable to
take Miranda to her laser surgery

due to a looming column deadline,
she didn't call Steve.

she decided to take things
into her own hands.

Who needs a man to hold your hand,
when you have cab fare

and a black marker
to write down emergency numbers?

And while Miranda
was under the knife,

Charlotte was having her first glass
of white wine with her white knight.

I did the Hasty Pudding show
a couple of times, to blow off steam.

My friend Tom
says that Harvard is still

the most aggressive place he's seen.
And he's a trader.

- Not Tom Kennedy?
- Yes, do you know Tom?

He's a great guy. And his wife.
That's my idea of a perfect marriage.


Charlotte nodded, thinking what
a nice, sweet, handsome,

funny, great couple they made.

Excuse me,
you just bumped into her chair.

- A little crowded.
- Yes, but you bumped her chair.

You should say you're sorry.

- It's Ok.
- No, it's not ok.

- That's no way to treat a lady.
- Lighten up. It's brunch.

Charlotte realized that her date wasn't
a man who came to women's rescue,

he was a man who liked to start fights.

- Excuse me, sir...
- You want a piece of me?

And just like that,

Charlotte's white knight
changed into a white nightmare.

Miss Hobbes, your friend is here.

- Carrie?
- Actually no, it's me.

Carrie thought you might need
some help. oK?

I'm on valium, everything's oK.

- Here, give me your hand.
- I'm good.

Just don't let me hit the door frame
and never mention these goggles.

one cab ride and two sleeping pills
later, Steve put Miranda to bed.

All right. Give me your leg.

No, this leg. I want this leg.

stop! No rescue.

Fine, oK. All right!
Put your feet in, sleeping Beauty.

The next morning, after what felt like
a hundred years, Miranda awoke.

And for the first time in her life,
she sawthings clearly.

That night, Mr. July invited Samantha
to come down and hang with him

while he worked the sunday shift.

Hello? Where is everyone?

The idea being in a firehouse
filled with a calendar hot firemen,

was a fantasy, Samantha felt,
whose time had definitely come.


This was not the firehouse fantasy
Samantha had in mind.

Samantha. I just put a pot of chilli on.
come on, sit down.

come on, get up.
Make a move for sam.

I'll be right back.

Samantha's rescue fantasy
was suddenly something

she needed to be rescued from.

- It's me, leave a message.
- Hey, I'm still down here in the car.

I'll wait ten more seconds
and then I'll go alone.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, poor me...

five, four, three, two... one and a half,
sometimes a girl needs a half.

oK, that was my best shot,
you're not coming.

so long... vote!

- I don't knowwhat I'm doing.
- oK.

I'm standing here, fully dressed,
watching that politician guy

drive off to staten lsland
without me. Why?

- You hate staten lsland?
- Don't think so. Any other ideas?

Just say it.

Big. You're terrified
of getting hurt again.

There it was. The phrase single,
independent women in their thirties

are never supposed to think.
Let alone say out loud.

oK, gotta go.

Miranda was right.

I was like a woman frozen
on the ledge of a building on fire.

I'd been so burned
in my last relationship,

I was afraid to leap off
into the next one.

Excuse me for a second.

- Hey. How did you get here?
- Ferry.

- All alone?
- I'm very independent.

- I can see that.
- And this isn't a date.

I'm a concerned citizen.

A woman on my block
won't pick up after her poodle.

I'll see what I can do.
can I take your coat?

And, Mr. President,
it was a bad break-up.

so I need to take this slow.

somewhere between
the chilli and half-time,

Samantha decided if she wanted
her firehouse fantasy to happen,

she'd have to make it happen.

Up here.

Nice pole.
Wanna see it again?


Samantha rode the pole
a couple of times that night.

Why are these boots set up like this?

so we'll be ready
at a moment's notice.

Well, I should be a fireman,
because I am always ready to go.

We've got a job.

Get out of my gear.
Get the fuck out of my gear!

Let's go!
Move, lady, it's a fuckin' fire!

I'm coming.

Samantha learned there's
quite a difference

between a rescue fantasy
and a rescue reality.

It's getting late.
Are you sure I can't give you a ride?

No, I'm good.

You go...
You go and do your thing.

Do I get your vote?

Too fast?

My God, you're so sexy.
come home with me.

Kissing is enough.

It's enough for tonight, really.

oh, shit. It's almost 12:00,
I'm gonna miss the last ferry.



I lost my choo.

Need a ride?

He didn't have a white horse,

but he did have a BMW
with a working heater.

so I guess, sometimes a woman
absolutely has to be rescued.

- You're taking me home and that's it.
- That's it...for tonight.

Now, any idea
how we get the fuck off this island?

Ok, make a right.

And sometimes, a woman absolutely
has to rescue a man.

At least, that's how it ends
in this staten lsland fairytale.